Escaping from Freedom

"I'd spent my whole young life being spoon-fed how to think about this book from the pulpit, but now that I'm 'free' I've allowed myself to be spoon-fed how to think from the 'free thinker' crowd. Everywhere I look, only other people's opinions appear in my head, pretending to be my own thoughts. What did I miss? Why is true freedom so elusive? Where is MY mind?

"How can I continue to make the claim that I am awake, that I am now conscious, when I've only traded one pre-packaged opinion for another? I think these ideas are so because I'm SUPPOSED TO according to my new preachers. I wanted to think them, too, at first because it felt like I had discovered where I belonged and it was so different (and thrilling!) from what I had known in my youth. But am I really free? Am I really thinking?

"The most celebrated of us free thinkers (I am unsure if I am still one anymore, at least not in the way they use the term) are rewarded for adding to The Official Free Thinker Book of Knowledge®... helping to define its voice, language, and own distinct doctrinal beliefs. You would think it would be because they thought freer than everyone else, but no.  Originality is treated like a cancer here. I guess this is the important work, building up the doctrine so it can be more easily grasped for the spoon-feedings of new initiates. 'Just add water (but not TOO much!), stir, and eat up!'

"I think I do believe in God... I want to believe actually, deep down... but I don't know how to read that book without hearing the voice of that pulpit guy telling me how to read it, and what parts I'm supposed to be focused on according to his doctrine. How do I read it while hearing my OWN voice?

"When I've asked the smartest people I know for their advice, they just tell me to trust one or the other of the spoon-fed doctrines. The book doctrine advocates tell me I need to just trust the pulpit guy, but I cannot do this. I'm not going back. The free thinkers wrap it in language that gives the illusion that they're encouraging me to 'think for myself,' or worse -- tell me to uncritically trust the opinion of one of the celebrated free thinkers -- which only makes me feel sad and alone."

See Also:

Choosing Faith: Separating Wheat from Chaff

Studying to Show Your Own Self Approved

An Embrace of True Art in a High Culture