In the Meantime

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This column almost wasn’t written. At least not on this topic.

 

You see, at the moment, I’m mad at God.

 

But as a faith writer, I feel it’s my responsibility to be encouraging, to always put the best face on my walk of faith. So I wondered what you would think of me if I admitted that I’m getting the silent treatment from God. And it leaves me lonely, impatient, and sad.

 

I feel as if I’ve been praying and pursuing a variation of the ‘home and career’ prayer for the last twenty years, without a lasting or satisfactory conclusion. I’m tired of God not answering my prayers.

 

And I’m tired of failing by my own efforts.

 

I read somewhere that God doesn’t answer our prayer requests, He only strengthens us to bear whatever we are faced with.             That image of a hands-off, Higher Power, doesn’t fit with my understanding of God. It feels too formal: we revere God for His divinity, and expect nothing more.

 

Frankly, this notion of God isn’t Biblical. Throughout the Bible we see God clearly desires to be involved in the messiest parts of our lives. So much so, that his Son, Jesus, lived with us on a daily basis for 33-years, so fully human that he laughed with us, cried with us, experienced our broken hearts and how we love imperfectly. Jesus’ human-ness was so real that he felt humiliation, pain, and even abandonment, as when he cried out for God, and received silence.

 

 God did not respond to his son, not because He was uncaring but so that Christ’s purpose on Earth could be fulfilled.

 

God’s desire to be part of our lives didn’t end at the Cross. But it does give me a clue about His use of silence in our times of darkness.

 

I know that I am not alone in wondering if God has abandoned me now. Job wrote, “Oh for the days when I was in my prime, when God’s intimate friendship blessed my house,” (Job 29:4)

 

The closer we grow with God, the more painful separation from God will feel. But what are we to make of God’s promise, “I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5) when the only response we receive to our prayer is God’s silence?

 

What are we to do then?

 

In the Meantime…

 

I believe we can find our way through the darkness by following in the steps of David, who was beloved by God.

 

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.” (Psalm 130:1-2)

 

During times of worry, we need to speak with God throughout each day. We need to open our hearts as David did, and be confident that God can handle our anger, our tears. Even Jesus cried out on the Cross, “Why have you forsaken me?”

 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, His love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:1)

 

When I recall how God has helped me in the past, how He has always worked things out for my good, I can use this as a rope of hope to cling to, certain that God’s help will be present again.

 

Being thankful for God’s provision gives me the courage to go out and try again and again. I believe that when we are waiting on God, it’s important to be active, to keep trying and consider my failure as a learning experience that will eventually lead to success.

 

But what am I to make of God’s silence during this time? When my heart still hearts in the midst of my actions?

 

As much as I hate to admit it, God’s silence usually signals that He is building my faith, making me a better person. When I speak with God every day in prayer, seek his wisdom through the Bible, thank Him for my many blessings, my faith deepens. Of course, this doesn’t stop me from telling God I’ve had enough and want things to change.

 

Be confident of God’s plan for my life: “For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

This familiar verse is hard to believe when I am wondering whether my next step will provide a safe landing or a drop off a cliff. I think it’s been so overused, it’s lost its impact. Yet, I know it is true.

 

That is the imperfect, uncomfortable balance I live with. I know that God’s actions are to make me the best version of myself that I can be, but at the same time, I am tired and I doubt. And so I face the Believer’s Paradox: Jesus said, “All things are possible to him who believes!” Immediately the boy’s father cried out, “I do believe; help my unbelief!”

 

And that is my faith journey: To embrace my disbelief and hope my love for God is stronger than my fear of the future.  “I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” (Psalm 130:5) My hope springs from experience, I can see God has made me better through this winnowing process.  And even when I cannot know the outcome, and I grow weary, I rest in God’s promise, “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” (Psalm 126:3)  

 

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Suzanne Elizabeth Anderson is the author of “A Map of Heaven.” She lives in Breckenridge. Join her at www.Facebook.com/suzanneelizabeths or at www.suzanneelizabeths.com