Where to Begin?
At this point in time, I do not even know where to begin. I feel like I am stuck asleep reliving a nightmare over and over. No matter how hard I try to wake up, I am forced to stay.
My son with the mental disability is still at the psych ward. His behaviors are not getting any better. He is just as narcissistic and manipulative as he was before I had him admitted. The staff tries their best with him, but have admitted that because of all of his behaviors (not just the narcissism and manipulation) they do not know what to do with him. He is autistic as well, so he freaks out with too motion stimulation. The staff finds themselves entertaining him off by himself in front of a computer or the television. I cannot even be mad at them, because that is much easier to handle then one of his violent tangents.
My time has been consumed with countless meetings with different state agencies and hospitals. I feel like that is my full time job- going to meetings for my son.
As a family (my mother, youngest, and I), go up to visit my son, but lately he is back to being pissed off at us. And all because we told him he could not come home just yet. Because of those words, he went ape shit on us. We were on a pass with him & outside the hospital driving, after taking him to McDonalds. He was so pissed off, he tried jumping out of the car. We got him to the hospital parking lot and he went ballistic. He was cussing, hitting, spitting on us, being inappropriate, etc. We got him back in the car & he threw my youngest booster seat at him. I sat in the back & had to hold my son because he was kicking, screaming, spitting, etc. He tried attacking my mother the entire time she drove. It took an act of God, but I got him back inside to the hospital & on to the psych ward where he went ape shit again.
Dealing with my son and his current state of mind is so stressful. I do not know whether I am coming or going. I yearn for him to be home with us, but I know that it is not safe for any of us, if he comes home.
His behavior is so awful and his brain functioning is so rare, that professionals do not know what to do. They say they have never seen a child with these behavioral issues and mental instability. It has come to the point where now the State of Hawaii is looking into a placement facility on the Mainland. It is heartbreaking to hear that my son will be away from us because no one here knows what to do or how to help him.
I find myself isolating myself from all of those around me. I feel like I have given my all to everyone and that now it is time for people to give themselves to me (even if it is just 1%). I spend so much time helping others, but feel that when my life is upside down & I am in need of a friend that I have no one. Because of this, I have ejected from a social life. I figured, people know how to reach me, if I am important to them.
I know this is a long, rambling post, but it was needed. I needed the world to know why I’m silent. I needed to verbally (written) throw up my thoughts and feelings.
Hopefully, my life will steady and I can go back to focusing on writing, which is my true passion. Right now, I hardly have the energy to even write this.
Happy Reading, as Always,
S.E.Isaac
