Asexuality with BDSM elements.

I just had my first experience of being topped the other night since I started IDing as asexual, and I want to Talk about it.

Because it’s also the first time I’ve had a different reaction to being topped/Dom’ed/whatever you want to call it for more than 10 years, and that made it Notable to my mind.

This was also the first time I’ve ever been in a situation that went from something as innocent as some head scritches with my newly shorn fresh fuzzies, while we were both reading, to Something Else. 

Vulnerability.

I felt vulnerable, which is not uncommon for anyone who has ever experienced sub space. At this point it becomes incredibly obvious whether you trust the person before you to treat you well, or whether you need to Get The Hell Out Of There.

But I felt differently about this vulnerability, and that sat weirdly with me. A first possible reason is that I haven’t known this person for an incredibly long period of time, but that’s been true of people who have topped me in the past. I tend to trust on sight, for better or worse, based on little more than instinctual feelings. Second was the aforementioned not intending for things to go as they did. We weren’t in a fetish club, we were in my room. We were fully clothed. I’m ace. There were books. Distracting me from books in any way is generally kinda like trying to distract me while I’m watching an episode of Buffy. Although this person being a top and me being a sub had been mentioned, it had been talked about in a ‘Interesting weather we’re having this time of year, pass the butter?’ kind of way. There were no indications of things to come. 

So I’m left feeling that my experience of vulnerability was different because, well. Because. 

Sex + BDSM.

Despite my own wants and inclinations, BDSM in the past has often been linked to, and led, to sex. 

This was nothing like that. There was the lightest touch of fingers against my hair, trailing down my neck, light against my jaw. I was still holding my book, lying in bed against the person in question and, at certain points, I’m sure they were still reading their book. 

And it was one of the most titillating BDSM experiences I’ve ever had. 

Tense and hardly breathing and wanting to show in my micro movements that I was completely on board and present and consenting and oh wow so enjoying what was going on. 

And there was aftercare. fingertips stroking along my upper arm while my head was rested on their stomach. 

Past Experiences, Present Situations.

Having written and seen this on the page, I think that my changed experience in vulnerability was less about an old experience with a new personal identification, and more about tension inherent in waiting for it to turn sexual into a sexual experience rather than one that was intensely both sensual and seductive without needing to be more. 

I was waiting for it to turn, not knowing what I would say if it did, knowing what I should say if it did. 

I was sitting on the edge of a precipice, knowing how close we were to blowing things before they began, and being maybe too selfish, maybe too comfortable, in the Present to be willing to pass that up. Yet there was nervous energy just in these thoughts occurring to me.

And then… it was a self contained, perfect experience. And I was an idiot for letting past experiences colour the moment with someone who had made it incredibly clear even in our limited experience that they were incredibly conscientious when it came to my new and evolving boundaries. 

It was strange, as we settled into the rest of our night together, how much I felt like we were on the same page while at the same time knowing that we had so many conversations about boundaries and expectations to come

Now I just need to figure out those boundaries and expectations beyond not moving any further forward for a little while while I process old and expected play through the new filter of asexual identification.