More lessons in "The Year of Being A Writer"

This morning I sent my former students an e-mail. It was a hard one.

I've been teaching Writing for Children in the MFA program at Simmons College for the past four years—first at Simmons in Boston, and then through the Eric Carle Museum. Since I was an undergrad, teaching was my "BIG DREAM". It was one of those things I imagined I would never get a chance to do because I wasn't smart enough. Wasn't brave enough. Wasn't experienced enough. Etc. So when I was asked to apply, I was shocked, thrilled and terrified. But oh. I loved it so much. I loved meeting new students and watching them find their voices. Watching them discover their unique talents. Watching them gain confidence. And most importantly, watching them bond with each other to become lifelong colleagues and friends. Teaching at Simmons changed my life. It was the most rewarding job I've ever had.

But teaching takes time. A lot of time.

Last January, I declared this to be "The Year of Being A Writer."

What I meant by that and what this year has turned out to be a lesson in, are two very different things. I thought "Being A Writer" was going to mean that I wrote my fiction full time. Instead, what it's meant is living the writer's real life: struggling to balance freelance jobs with finding time to work on my own writing and not become a stranger to my family. It's meant making tough choices that feel almost selfish. Learning how to put writing before washing dishes. To put writing before laundry. But understanding that my child still comes first.

The more freelance jobs I've received (which I've been very grateful for), the less time and energy I've had for writing. The thought of adding teaching to the mix again this fall seems impossible. In many ways, I've felt like this "Year of Being A Writer" has been anything but. Except, I guess that's what being a writer is all about. Being a writer is learning how to roll with the insanity. And yet... It's also learning when and how to take control of the reins. And so, since this year is already half-way over, I've decided I needed to slow this crazy horse down. What makes the most sense for my sanity and everyone who lives with me, even though it is the hardest choice, is to stop teaching.

It is a very scary thing, to REALLY put your writing first. I mean, in front of a sure thing as far as a paycheck goes. But this, too, seems what BEING A WRITER is all about. Having a little faith in yourself.

I feel like I have arrived at both the top of a steep hill, and at the bottom of another. I don't know how much harder the rest of the climb will be. But it's time to take a big gulp of water and find out.

Thanks so much to all of my students for making my dream come true. And, as Laurie puts it, attending the "Knowlesian School of Writing." ;-) Teaching really did change my life, you know. You did. I will never forget you.

xoxo