If Charlie Sheen Lived on My Cul-De-Sac

I think Charlie Sheen is or is soon-to-be broke, and he obviously needs some down time. Perhaps what is best for him is to settle into a nice, quiet, suburban neighborhood for a while. Mine's as good as any, with plenty of undervalued five-bedroom houses for sale. That's plenty of room for the kids, the entourage, the hookers and blow. I'm giddy at the prospect.

If Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac:

~ block parties would be fun again.

~ his yard would look both bitchin' and gnarly, BUT

~ he would SO get written up for not bringing in his trash bins.

~ we could all stop trying to get high off Ritalin and Nyquil.

~ I would ask him to tutor my kids in Greek mythology. Hello? Adonis DNA? Beds goddesses?

~ he could teach the rest of us how to deal with fools and trolls.

~ I would stop bugging the doctor next door to call in prescriptions and get Charlie to cure my Strep with his brain.

~ a LOT of people would be praying for him. A lot.

Most importantly, if Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac

~ I would no longer be the last person invited to the carpool.

Don't tell me Sheen wouldn't fit in here in Suburbia. His life is perfect, remember? Just like all of ours.