To Twitter or not to Twitter . . .

My friends keep telling me: “You have GOT to get twitter”. I assume the reason they keep telling me this is they are basically whores who would stoop to just about any level to get one more ‘follower’. . . but occasionally my ego allows me to believe it’s because I sometimes post insightful, thought provoking Facebook status (yes, that’s the proper plural, not stati or statuses . . . I looked it up).

So with that in mind, I’ll let you be the judge (and keep in mind, this is an important investigation . . . not just a way to get some mileage out of old crap rather than coming up with something fresh). Here are some of the status I’ve posted on facebook:

I wonder if Disney would do one of their customizable shirts with "Tits McGee" if I sent it in. . . . and if so, would Linda wear it.

I finally tried that burger place everyone's been talking about. Now . . . like Madonna . . . I can also say I had Five Guys tonight.

I got a letter saying: "Your daughter is eligible to apply for an overseas educational experience." I'm tempted to send a note saying: "Wow! How did you know I had a daughter? My wife doesn't even know about her."

My MP3 decided to shuffle a number of Johnny Cash and Tom Waits songs this morning and now I'm resisting the urge to throw a couple cans of beans and some moldy bread crusts in a battered satchel and hop a box-car to Wichita.

I tried to order a small soup at Chik-Fil-A today and was told: "We don't have 'small', we only have medium and large." Doesn't 'medium' imply the existence of a 'small'? Am I crazy or is Chik-Fil-A crazy (in addition to being terrible spellers)?

Does anyone else - when they're checking their heart-rate on the treadmill or passing one of those radar signs that show your speed - think: "I can beat my high score this time."?

God just told me that if at least 10 people don't like this status he will 'call me home'.

Ryan was here with a bunch of friends but they took off to somewhere. One of Ryan's friends left his guitar and Linda wants me to be doing a "Naked Cowboy" imitation with it when they get back.

So does anyone else around here leave the room for a minute to grab a soda and come back to find gay porn on their computer and their wife cackling like a witch who is roasting children?

Raise your hand if you've ever called someone who was in the same room as you . . . just to hear what kind of ring-tone they had for you . . . bonus points if it turned out to be Cartman.

I'm wondering if maybe, just maybe, one of my Facebook friends knows why I just received a copy of "Essence" clearly addressed to me.

Why does my car smell like old, stale farts when I'm the only one in there 95% of the time . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind, I think I may have figured it out. Damn you gassy foods! Why must you taste so delicious?

Linda, if you're wondering where one of your apples went, I needed something to throw at the heron that was in our back-yard. . . . I missed him . . . damn it

(This one posted from Disney World) I find it interesting that the Disney World headgear (with Mickey Mouse-head balls on springs that make it look like you have Disney themed antennae) have mirrors built into the display stands . . . As if someone might put a set on their head, look in the mirror and think: "Yeah, this is a good look for me."

To the petite young woman in the check-out line behind me at Target this morning: You may have fooled most of the people around us, but you can't fool me. I know that smell didn't come out of me. Good strategy though - getting up behind the fat guy before letting it go. Well played, missy, well played.

Thank God for the Shake-Weight . . . seriously . . . I'm watching the CNN coverage of Japan this morning and getting really depressed . . . then along comes a Shake-Weight commercial and illustrates - in such clear terms - that: 'life goes on'.

Some day I hope to have the chance to shake the hand of brilliant man or woman who first thought to put a couple celery sticks with an order of wings. Now I can feel like I'm eating healthy. What did I have for lunch? Why I had celery sticks . . . with a few wings on the side.

I've got a yodeling marmot. Do you have a yodeling marmot?

YES Mr. LA Fitness Guy, I saw you look at me . . . and then look at the defibrillator hanging on the wall. Not today, buddy . . . not today.



So what do you think? Yeah, I guess my friends are just whores trying to rack up more followers.




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