Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

By Kathy Sweeney

Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to rejoice when a human dies.  Sanctity of life and so forth. But if there ever was a time to make an exception to a rule, it's this week.  A few people put it nicely:

Mark Twain said: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

Charles Dickens said: "He would make a lovely corpse."

Clarence Darrow said: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Samuel Goldwyn said: "The reason so many people turned up at his funeral is that they wanted to make sure he was dead."

The munchkins said (okay, sang): "Ding, dong the witch is dead."

 It took nearly ten years but Osama Bin Laden, #1 on the Terrorist Most Wanted List, is finally dead.  I didn't celebrate, but then again, it was pretty late at night and I was tired.  If I lived in Manhattan or Washington, DC, I might have been out in the street.  If I were still in college, and it was finals week, I would most definitely have been out in the street.  Because anything is better than studying for finals, even if it is just a bit short of barbarism.

Let's be honest here; this psychotic murderer deserved to die.  But he's not the only one.  Hitler, for example?  Dead = good.  Ted Bundy - better dead.  Jeffrey Dahmer - that's why you put guys like him in Gen Pop.

Would I kill someone if I was sure they deserved it?  Hell no.  Because if I could, there would already be a trail of bodies.  I mean, I swore vengeance on Chico Lind and Stan Belinda, for heaven's sake, and all they did was lose a play-off game to the Braves.  Know who else is lucky I never snapped? The people who cancelled "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" - and don't even get me started on whomever green-lit "Caddyshack 2" or "Scarlett".  I would also have taken out that little girl in "The Bad Seed". I couldn't even watch the entire movie, but Hannibal Lechter?  One and done.

And what about that "sweep the leg" kid who tried to cripple Daniel-san?  As a matter of fact, that whole Cobra Kai operation should have been leveled.  You know who else should have been erased? Bob from "Twin Peaks" - that much creepy just should not be allowed to stroll around any town.

See where I'm going here?  Since we're already celebrating the end of one of the most evil people of our time, which is as close as most of us hope to get to real blood lust, let's get it out of our systems. And don't try to tell me you never thought about it.

Who would you like to eliminate?

Let's play nice here, and not mention any live people who might be under Secret Service protection and or who might cause all of us to be indicted for some kind of conspiracy.  Not that some of those people don't make my short list - because they do.  But I am simply not a person cut out for prison.  I mean, the food is just ghastly and I'll bet they don't let you vote on Dancing With the Stars (Hines Ward: 3403).

So just for the helluvit, if you could have a free pass to whack somebody, who would it be?  So what if they are already dead?  In this game, they are legit targets.  Here are a couple of more to get the murderous rage really flowing:

Joseph Stalin - remember this happy-go-lucky cat?  He was responsible for more deaths than Hitler.  No kidding.   I'd whack him.

ER's Dr. Robert Romano.  Has to be the only time I rooted for the helicopter.

Y'know, I just realized there are no women on my list.  The kid from The Bad Seed doesn't really count because she was a kid. Hmmmm.  I feel like, in the interest of gender equality, I should come up with at least one.  Okay, how about Bellatrix Lastrange?  That loon just reeked of evil.  I won't spoil it for those who didn't read the book, but let's just say you don't poke the Mama Bear.

Your turn.  It's just a game, so go ahead and let loose. A round of fake immunity for everyone!