Things We Learned By Not Actually Watching the Royal Wedding

by the 3H's

Q: Did you watch the royal wedding?

Hank:  Well, no. I did consider it. Briefly. For the feeling that no matter what, live is live and taped is always over. But I opted for sleep. Bad bad reporter.

Heather: No. I was holding out for the sixty second recap.

Harley: Yes, but I didn't mean to. Friday at 4 a.m. I was at LaGuardia but my flight was cancelled, so I raced to JFK to catch the next one, and ended up at Gate 43, watching as Kate & William said their vows. Fate! I was mesmerized.

Q: Are you a Anglophile?

Hank: In many ways, of course. Anything sounds better with a British accent. And I'm fascinated by British history. And authors. Morse. Hugh Grant. I'm so tired from Malice that my brain is not working too well . . . but I 'm sitting in the airport right now getting ready to read The Secret Diaries of Agatha Christie. BUT! I did participate in an event of July 4 where I stood on the balcony of the Old State House in Boston, and read a bit of the Declaration of Independence out loud to the crowd below. So--there is that.

Heather: My dad was born in Scotland, my mom in Ireland. I'm not sure what that makes me. I'm from Florida and I married an Italian. Oh! I have taken the Jack the Ripper tour at least ten times and would stood at the Tower of London imagining the past dozens. I'm just not into the hour down the aisle kind of entertainment. Wait! I have Brit friends I adore. And I am a sucker for a great accent. Yeah, yeah, I'm an anglophile!

Harley: You bet I am. Ever since I discovered my mom's stash of Georgette Heyer, Mary Stewart and Agatha Christie as an adolescent, and thought, "I have found my people."

Q: What do you think about the hats worn by the princesses Beatrix and (what's her name?)

Harley: Brava! Could we expect anything less from the offspring of Fergie, whose toes were once sucked, and Andrew, who once dated Koo Stark?

Heather: I think that the one princess got stuck in the middle of an Alice in Wonderland set and came away wearing half of a Wonderland royal fence.

Hank : Pitiful. Embarrassing. Rhys Bowen told me--and she should know of course--that they wore the hats and silly dresses on purpose, in protest because their mother was not invited. I can believe it! 

Harley: I love that. You go, girls. Mad hatters!

Q: What about tradition?

Heather: Hey, well watching the sixty second recap thing, I learned that Queen Victoria was the one who made wearing a white gown traditional for weddings. Before that, people, wore colors or black. Black. There you have it. The perfect color. I always liked Queen Victoria. (Didn't know her personally, just the history about her, devotion to Albert, all that.) I really like the color black. What a great color for a wedding dress! You get rid of all that angst about your dressing sweeping the ground before the wedding!

Hank:I read that they were married in the same place William the Conqueror was crowned 1000 years ago. I mean, that's cool. 

Harley: I think the fact that the brides wear rings and the grooms don't is a little . . . convenient. 

Q: Will the British Monarchy survive the 21st Century?

Heather: I think that will depend upon the new Royals. Let's face it, the world was in love with Diana, and looking back, she was sweet and adorable and seemed earnest. She was so naive, and young, and like all young people--hey, looking for love. Anyway, she added some nice genetics into the mix. And Kate looks like an all-right girl. I think there's a chance. I mean, seriously, the inbreeding thing has to stop. In my sixty-second recap, I learned, too, that they stopped the first cousin marriage thing. (Prince William of Orange/William of Orange and Mary Stuart.) Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are only second cousins once removed. What's "once removed" anyway?

Hank: Yes, someone here can explain the removed thing, I bet. And Kate and William are fifteenth cousins, right? Something like at? And in fact, (leaning in closer) my next door neighbor, a Saltonstall, is related to Kate. Inside Edition called her for an interview! of course she said no. What was the question again? Oh. yes-you know, I did love it when William drove the Aston-Martin. That's a good sign.

Harley: I can explain "once removed" because we use it all the time in my family. Not that we have intermarriage among the cousins. That I know of. Anyhow, "once removed" means that you're of different generations. If my first cousin Fritzie has a son named Oliver and I have a daughter named Harriet, then Oliver and Harriet are second cousins. However, I am a first cousin once removed from Oliver. And Fritzie is a first cousin once removed from Harriet. And Harriet's children and Oliver's children are third cousins, but Harriet is a second cousin once removed from Oliver's kids, and Oliver is a s.c.o.r. of Harriet's   kids. Actually, I'm not at all sure that's accurate, but that's how Aunt Olga always explained it.

Love them or hate them, everyone gets to have an opinion about the Royals. God only knows what they're saying about us.