Why do I try?
I sat outside in the wind tonight, just for a little while, and I wondered why do I never come outside at night just to sit and look at the moon and the stars? After all, I simply adore the night and the moon. It always brings out the feelings I get when reading a really good book... consorting with werewolves and vampires... gallivanting through the lush woods with only the light of the moon to guide me but then I realize that's not life. Not my life anyway.
I love my family. I'm blessed to have everything I have but do I live my dreams. Do I really even have any? Dreams usually develop in childhood and have a tendency to change as we grow. Or should I say as we give up our dreams and cling to more "responsible" dreams. But those aren't really dreams are they? They're just a means to survive. Living isn't just surviving. It's peace, love, happiness, doing everything you want to do with your life. I've seen the question so often asking-- what would you do if you only had 24 hours to live? People always answer with a long list of everything they ever dreamed of doing. There's no guaranty that you don't only have 24 hours to live, you may have a few weeks, or only another year. So why do we not live everyday as if we were going to die because we are. We all will one day. But, then, most people are just like me-- too caught up in trying to survive and unable to remember what's it like to dream because it seems so far fetched.
I had big dreams as a kid. I had to. I wasn't abused as a child and I didn't starve but I don't remember ever being happy. Not one moment of joy remains in a part of my subconscious that I can actually remember. I don't mean to play pity party but I have yet to learn to see it as anything else. I remember that not only was I not the pretty sister but I wasn't pretty next to the stray dogs that wandered around our house. I was smart enough to get by but not smart enough to excel. I had no talent in which to nurture. Even when I found things I truly loved, I was never quite good enough at it no matter how hard I tried.
I remember anger. Constant, intense, anger. The only eyes that ever turned in my direction held pure disgust as if I were some mutated walking corpse that reeked of death. Yeah, it may seem like an exaggeration to you but I can recall the feeling as if I were reliving it.
The lessons I learned as a child were always strongly negative but as the adults put it "that's life-- it's the truth." That didn't make any less negative and it suffocated me for so long it took me years just to learn to breathe. But as I was taught, "that's life." And it was life. It was always life. Darkness around every corner. No matter how many rays of sunshine broke through there was always a span of clouds to cover it. The thing is when you're surrounded in darkness and drowning in pain life it doesn't stop the sun from coming up the next day even when it's rays start to feel like they burn. There's no amount of emotional that will just end it all, so, you have to face the darkness and the rays that singe.
As I sat outside tonight, looking up at the moon, I realized it's smile shining down on me. For a moment, I felt like it mocked my efforts. See, I accomplished one dream and married my perfect mate so I thought there has to be something positive about life. There has to be and sought it. I found people who believe in the power of positivity and living the life of your dreams. These people taught me that it's not the world that is out to get me but rather my negative tendencies that draw these things to me and I could do something to change it. I've put forth some effort to reconditioning myself but it seems each time I find myself rising above the people closest to me bombard my little rays of sunshine with as much negativity as possible as if insisting that I must not shine.
I might could handle it if something about myself might have changed since I was child but when I look in the mirror there's still not a pretty girl looking back at me, my body still disgusts, not only am I not talented but I'm not skilled either. Yes, I have the man of my dreams and perfect children, I have a lovely home but it comes at a high price. So why not fall into the darkness again? Everyone else seems to enjoy it there. They must because they fight with a vengeance against anyone who tries to shine.
So, why do I try?
Because I'm just not ready to let go of the sun yet. No matter how bad it burns, it has to be better than wallowing in a frigid cold darkness that doesn't have the decency to numb you against the pain of negativity.
I love my family. I'm blessed to have everything I have but do I live my dreams. Do I really even have any? Dreams usually develop in childhood and have a tendency to change as we grow. Or should I say as we give up our dreams and cling to more "responsible" dreams. But those aren't really dreams are they? They're just a means to survive. Living isn't just surviving. It's peace, love, happiness, doing everything you want to do with your life. I've seen the question so often asking-- what would you do if you only had 24 hours to live? People always answer with a long list of everything they ever dreamed of doing. There's no guaranty that you don't only have 24 hours to live, you may have a few weeks, or only another year. So why do we not live everyday as if we were going to die because we are. We all will one day. But, then, most people are just like me-- too caught up in trying to survive and unable to remember what's it like to dream because it seems so far fetched.
I had big dreams as a kid. I had to. I wasn't abused as a child and I didn't starve but I don't remember ever being happy. Not one moment of joy remains in a part of my subconscious that I can actually remember. I don't mean to play pity party but I have yet to learn to see it as anything else. I remember that not only was I not the pretty sister but I wasn't pretty next to the stray dogs that wandered around our house. I was smart enough to get by but not smart enough to excel. I had no talent in which to nurture. Even when I found things I truly loved, I was never quite good enough at it no matter how hard I tried.
I remember anger. Constant, intense, anger. The only eyes that ever turned in my direction held pure disgust as if I were some mutated walking corpse that reeked of death. Yeah, it may seem like an exaggeration to you but I can recall the feeling as if I were reliving it.
The lessons I learned as a child were always strongly negative but as the adults put it "that's life-- it's the truth." That didn't make any less negative and it suffocated me for so long it took me years just to learn to breathe. But as I was taught, "that's life." And it was life. It was always life. Darkness around every corner. No matter how many rays of sunshine broke through there was always a span of clouds to cover it. The thing is when you're surrounded in darkness and drowning in pain life it doesn't stop the sun from coming up the next day even when it's rays start to feel like they burn. There's no amount of emotional that will just end it all, so, you have to face the darkness and the rays that singe.
As I sat outside tonight, looking up at the moon, I realized it's smile shining down on me. For a moment, I felt like it mocked my efforts. See, I accomplished one dream and married my perfect mate so I thought there has to be something positive about life. There has to be and sought it. I found people who believe in the power of positivity and living the life of your dreams. These people taught me that it's not the world that is out to get me but rather my negative tendencies that draw these things to me and I could do something to change it. I've put forth some effort to reconditioning myself but it seems each time I find myself rising above the people closest to me bombard my little rays of sunshine with as much negativity as possible as if insisting that I must not shine.
I might could handle it if something about myself might have changed since I was child but when I look in the mirror there's still not a pretty girl looking back at me, my body still disgusts, not only am I not talented but I'm not skilled either. Yes, I have the man of my dreams and perfect children, I have a lovely home but it comes at a high price. So why not fall into the darkness again? Everyone else seems to enjoy it there. They must because they fight with a vengeance against anyone who tries to shine.
So, why do I try?
Because I'm just not ready to let go of the sun yet. No matter how bad it burns, it has to be better than wallowing in a frigid cold darkness that doesn't have the decency to numb you against the pain of negativity.
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