How To Develop Confidence Once And For All: Part One
#Confidence#personal development#emotional intelligence
How to develop confidence is a tricky one. Everyone wants more confidence. In this age of consumerism we should be able to buy it somewhere online…but we can’t. Everyone wants more of it. What is this thing that we crave? The folks that have it seem to be having all the fun. They get the good jobs, seize the moment and win the day. On top of it all…they are happy! That’s it…if we had more confidence we would be more successful and happy. So our lack of confidence gets the blame for all the ills in our lives.
Let’s look at little closer.
What do you think confidence is? What is your definition? Who said that having more confidence will make your life a happy ever after story? Excuse me I didn’t get that memo. Who said that some people are entitled to it and others are not? Yes… being confident can give you great results. But …and it’s a big ‘but’…you have to fight for it…and…you have to want it…you have to think yourself worthy of a better life. Confidence isn’t going to come your way unless you work at it…and work hard. The question is…are you prepared to put yourself first? Are you prepared to work on yourself to get all that you deserve? The difference between people who have confidence and those that do not is… that the ones who have it are willing to put up a fight for it.
What is confidence?
There are lots of definitions of confidence banded about and most of them are unhelpful. The common definition is that notion that confidence is the ‘absence of self-doubt or fear’. That simply is not true. Confident people are fearful and doubt themselves most of the time but instead of turning away from that which makes them fearful, they face it and embrace it. They feel the fear and they do whatever they have to do… regardless! If we support the common definitions out there it causes us to believe that the people with confidence do not have issues or they have some sort of super power. Again this is not true. The confident person is an everyday person like you and I.
To me confidence is a decision. It is the decision to ‘remember’ yourself in everything you do. You put yourself first. You put yourself forward. You honour yourself….that is not to say that you tread on others…quite the contrary…having confidence is extending the respect you so readily give to others to yourself. Confidence is being kind to yourself first and foremost. You do not undermine yourself and you certainly sabotage yourself.
You are confident when you declare to the world this is me… this what I do this is what I believe in…and that’s it! You decide that you are not on this planet to make everyone else’s life a reality to fit in with everyone’s plans on how you live your life at the expense of your own desires. A confident person doesn’t have the ‘disease to please’ others or is overly concerned with what other people think of them. What other people think of you is none of your business. All you have to know is what you think about you. You do not fit in… you do not comply…you do not conform. Those days are gone. There is no over thinking or second guessing. Confidence is the faith that whatever you do will be fine…why? Because your best friend in all the world, the number one on whom you can depend and the one that will never let you down… is …you! It’s always been you actually!
How we lose it…a typical scenario
When you were a baby you had no concept of yourself. You were defined by all the adults around who had their version of what smart, beautiful and good was. If you didn’t measure up against their standards you were made to feel inadequate. Over time you started to believe these inadequacies to be true. You buried the true essence of you along with your potential inside of you. Now here is the rub…when all the adult stopped telling you about your short comings…who do you think took over from them…you! You became your own worst critic. You’re the one that keeps up the steady flow of self ridicule, reproach and reprisal. Once you get through all the self-criticism you repeat to yourself on a daily basis…isn’t it any wonder you have no energy left to do anything.
Where did it go?
Actually your confidence hasn’t gone anywhere. It is lying dormant inside you waiting for you to show up.
The 7 Confidence killers
• Measuring yourself against others.
• Thinking that anyone’s opinions views are better than yours
• Worrying about what other people think of you.
• Not being good enough
• Being a perfectionist
• Being lazy
• Being a victim
All of the above kill what little confidence you may have stone dead. Thinking any of the above is tantamount to wearing a large badge for the world to see which states: “I do not like myself and you can use and abuse me if you like” People will never treat you better than how you treat yourself. You’re the one that sets the standards. If they see that you lack confidence in yourself then they will treat you accordingly. If you come across like a door mat…they will treat you like a door mat. If you make yourself available to be kicked, disregarded and disrespected they will do that too. Oh and for the record people do not like hanging around with people who lack confidence …it makes them feel on edge. Let me put it this way…. if you were to take a trip on a plane…which pilot would you prefer…The one who is cool, calm and collected or the one that is nervous and jumpy?
What the lack of confidence does for you
The answer is absolutely nothing! You have heard I am sure of the people who report of having ‘a near death experience’ well if you lack confidence what you have is a ‘near life experience’. An existence of nearly realising your potential or following your dreams. The worst thing of all is to live a life full of regrets and ‘if only’. Lacking confidence means that you ‘sit out’ your life. You are a bystander in your own life. That can’t be any fun at all!
The 7 habits of confident people
If you watch very carefully you will notice that all confident people have certain habits in common. They pull it out of the bag when it’s necessary.
1. Determination
2. Resourcefulness
3. Courage
4. Positive mental attitude
5. Resilience
6. Decisive
7. A heathy relationship with making mistakes
Building a solid foundation…from scratch
Many would say that confidence is simply a matter of believing in yourself and this is true in part but it is by no means the full story.
You see…it is near impossible to believe in yourself when you don’t know who you are. Neither can you believe in yourself when who you really are has been eradicated to fit in with other people’s concept of who you could be.
In other words who is the self that you are supposed to believe in? In order to develop confidence therefore it is necessary to define and redefine yourself. Confidence is more about believing in your right to be confidence.
You have to be willing to go on a journey of self-discovery and analysis. You need to learn to believe in yourself but first you have to examine that which you are.
The 7 Questions to ask
1. Who are you? (A clue: You are not your job…nor the roles you have…nor the things you possess).
2. What’s important to you in your life (A clue: Why do you get out of bed in the mornings and why do you do the things you do?)
3. List 7 thing that you believe in (A clue: What do you believe about yourself? Who told you to these things? Are these beliefs about you still true today?)
4. Who are you in relationship to all the people in my life? (A clue: You have to figure out if the people in your life are on your side or are they are just contributing to the drama called ‘no confidence’
5. What is your purpose it life (A clue: In an idea world what you be doing/where would you be and with whom?)
6. What makes you happy (A clue: When do you feel the most happy/when was the last time you were happy
7. In what way do you take care of myself? (A clue: How do you take care of your body your mind and your soul?)
So have a go at these questions. They are not easy I know but it is important to you to keep asking and answering.
This, is the first of a series of blogs I am going to post in the future ‘How to develop your confidence once and for all’. Each post will build on the previous one and in total will give you all you need to develop your confidence, realise your potential and live your life as you want to.
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20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
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