HOW TO DEVELOP CONFIDENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL: PART TWO
#confidence#personal development#emotional intelligence#the self
If you are serious about developing confidence, being happy and living your life to the full…there is one key element you must address. You. Commonly known as the self. Before we delve into the self …let’s send a moment recapping on what we talked about in How To Develop Confidence once and for all: part one. http://bevbakerseminars.com/blog/?p=284
In that post I explained that most people’s definition of confidence is unhelpful and misleading. Most people dream about what they will be able to do when they get this ‘thing’ called confidence rather than ask the question: ‘What is confidence and what do I need to do to get it?”
If you have a fuzzy interpretation of confidence this will lead you into all sorts of trouble. If you think that confidence is outside of yourself or something that others have and not you… this can lead to a life time of disappointment and misery.
The starting point
• When you decide that you have the right to be confident and happy.
• When you decide you deserve to be confident.
• When you decide to ‘remember yourself’ in everything that you say and do.
Once you have made these decisions… your confidence has a solid foundation on which to grow.
More about confidence
The idea that you have no confidence is the beast you keep feeding….and it simply is not true. If you had no confidence… how come you have a job/got an education/live somewhere/have friends…You have confidence you’ve been looking for it in all the wrong places that all. If you can sustain a job, choose something to wear in the morning and cross the road without getting run over…you have enough confidence to work on…so all is not lost! Now it’s time to turn up the gas on your confidence levels.
In order to develop confidence you need to get your house in order. Confidence is what the world gets to see when you have done the work on yourself. The foundations of confidence is an inside job.
The foundations of confidence
Defining yourself
When you suffer from a lack of confidence somewhere along the way someone tells you that “You need to believe in yourself more”. Here in lies the problem. Who is the ‘self ‘that you’re supposed to believe in’? Most of your upbringing was about being selfless and not focussing on your needs at all. How do you go about believing in yourself?
“What is the self?” “What do you think?” How do you describe yourself after you have said your name and a few other bits and pieces? I am not being rude but I am 100% sure you don’t know who you are. Don’t worry you are not alone…
The self is that which separates you from other people. You have skin which stops all of your insides from spilling all over the place. The self is the ‘skin of the mind’ if you will…which is supposed to stop your thoughts running into other people’s thoughts. You watch a film with friends. Each of you has an unique opinion about the film. The unique opinion come from you because you are an individual. What would the world be like if we all thought the same? How boring. The fact that you think… and what you think is different is part of life rich tapestry. You are supposed to be different. You were not put on this planet to morph into other people… or be a mini me… or be a clone of someone else. You need to be seen and heard. You have unique way of seeing the world. People need to know. No one can see the world like you because they are not you. They were not raised by the same parents, they didn’t go to the same school…they didn’t have the same challenges. In other words your life is not their story to define or have an opinion about. They were not there. They do not get to have an opinion. That’s your job! The only duty you have to yourself is to define who you are.
Now, in order to truly define the self. You need to balance and get 3 main elements right. The self-image; the ideal self and self-esteem. All of these elements work together to form the self. You! If one of these is ‘out’ you will not develop sustainable and healthy confidence.
Ideal self
Your ideal self is the person you want to be. Smarter. Thinner. Richer Sexier. A healthy ideal self means that you have something to strive towards. If the ideal self gets out of control it means that you set goals for yourself which are unobtainable. Your dreams have to be realistic. I am 1’53cm in my bare feet… it is no good me having a dream to be taller it isn’t going to happen. Similarly I may have a dream to be a millionaire…it could happen (here’s hoping) but it isn’t going to happen if I sit at home watching the Kardashians all day long.
Self-image
Your self-image is how you see yourself. What you see when you look in the mirror or how you define yourself. Are you smart? Are you good-looking? Are you kind? The point is what do you see when you look in the mirror?
Self esteem
Self-esteem is the evaluation or the price you put on your self-image. Is it good or is it bad? Self-esteem is what you think about yourself deep down. It is the element that can build you up like a nourishment or it is the part of you that can do serious damage. Low self-esteem is a form of self-harm. What’s more… it is relentless. If you suffer from this condition it means that you do not like yourself.
In the beginning
Believe me; when you were a baby you were born with all the self-esteem you needed to propel you into life. You had to push through to learn 2 big feats of childhood…learning to walk and learning to talk. You used all your wits to figure them out. You made mistakes. You’re supposed to…that’s how you learn. Life doesn’t come with a manual. You fell flat on your butt. Literally. At that time you had the guts and the determination to succeed. You fell you got up…You fell you got up. So when did it happen that you fell and you didn’t get up. When did it happen that you made a mistake and you didn’t learn from it…when did your mistakes define you?
When the elements are out of balance…you
• Get to live the life of a victim.
• Never see the good in yourself.
• Beat yourself up on a regular basis.
• Never realise your potential. You go at things half-heartedly because you do not believe that you deserve to succeed. If you succeed you put it down to being a fluke.
• Never give yourself credit for anything.
• Undermine your achievements.
• Your default emotions are embarrassment/ shame/ guilt/ fear and anger
• When people compliment you… you think they are doing it to be kind/they feel sorry for you /they want something/ their standards are low/ they are plain crazy.
• Dumb down so as not to draw attention to yourself.
• Live with ‘confidence draining harpies’ in your head that talk to you about how stupid/useless/ridiculous you are.
All in all you get to live a miserable life!
When you define who you are…this happens
• People know exactly where they stand with you. They do not step over the boundaries that you have set for yourself. They know they can’t take liberties.
• People will be drawn to you because they know that what they see is what they get.
• People have the opportunity to learn from your story. Your point of view is just as valid as the next person.
• People will blossom in your company because by being yourself…and staying true to yourself you give them permission to be themselves.
You get to live an authentic and happy life.
Readjusting the elements
What you need to do is readjust the elements. When each element is in balance they interlock and create synergy. This is the solid foundation that is necessary for your confidence to show up. Most important these elements are what is necessary for sustainable confidence. This mean that no matter what comes your way…no matter what the worlds throws at you…you will be fine…and you know it. That is what believing in yourself is all about.
• Assess apects of your life. Choose one thing to upgrade in each category. Make the adjustement very small. Keep going over the categories…tweeking…inventing…defining… adjusting refining. Have fun.
The aspects to look at are:
a. health and fitness… body size and shape.
b. mental agility and ability to learn
c. emotional intelligence
d. finanacial security
e. great relationships wit family an friends.
f. spiritual vibes
g. career aspirations
• When you achieve something…you must celebrate. This is feedback to the elements that you succeeded. They love feedback!
• If you want to change something about yourself. Make a plan. Make it real. Make it specific. The magic is in the detail.
• When you set your goals put a date against them. Focussing your mind on your goals is a good thing and the elements love it.
• When you achieve a goal no matter how small it is important to reflect on what it is that you achieved. This may seem like bragging and yes it is..but come on if you can not bragg to yourself for few minutes what is the point of doing anything. Spend a couple of minutes a day telling yourself how pretty darn smart you. Your systems need positive feedback in order to continue. By telling yourself good things about yourself you strengthen the wonderful relaionship between ideal self… self image self esteem. They in turn create the solid foundation necessary for confidence to develop and grow. They creat a circle of excellence and the circle is you.
Good Luck!
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20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
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