Introvert

I’ve always been an extrovert, presenting not too dissimilarly from your manic pixie dream girl stereotype. I am the bouncy girl at clubs that everyone has their eye on. I am the one holding court in the living room of house parties. 

I am also the incredibly insecure individual who hasn’t realised these things till they’ve been recently pointed out, ever focused on and hurt as I am by the one individual at said outings who won’t look at me. 

It takes a lot of energy to keep up the excitement of the rabid social butterfly, which was never such a difficult thing to do when being around people, sensing their approval, hugging, touching, moving amidst such company was a constant source of energy.

But it isn’t anymore. Hasn’t been for a long time. I’ve been trying to put a time on it, but me and time are infrequent buddies, so it’s difficult.  It was still on when I lived in my house near the city. There was a time when it paused for grief before a friend pointed out I was no longer that bouncy!Nikki. There was certainly a birthday party where I basked in the love and attention of all those who’d been invited. My 26th. 

But 2009 was also a year of a lot of drama. And I have it on good authority from a lot of new friends I became close to that year that they’d never known me to be anything other than someone who enjoyed good party, but then needed downtime. So maybe that was when the change began.

I’ve had it in my head that an introvert is someone that actually needs to be away from all people in order to ‘recharge’, and I’ve held onto my extrovert mantle for many years because that particular state isn’t one I require. In fact, if you give me a book and a person who is willing to sit in the same space as me for hours without necessarily talking a great deal, I am going to come out of those hours feeling like the best time and marked connection has been made. That’s my downtime.

That’s also the majority of my social catch ups these days. I have four partners who are happy to chat with me over the meal we share, and then just as happy to look at our phones, computers or books, if not silently crafting in the same space. Ditto for at least half a dozen close friends. 

Most of the parties in my current house have seen me take a smaller party upstairs to watch episodes of Buffy, have quiet time out, ignore each other, read, nap, or simply play with cats. I’ve lived here since 2010, but it didn’t start that year. That was the year of SO many parties, and none of them did I ‘hide’ from. 2011 then. Maybe. Or 2012?

Another change has been coming since September last year. I know this because of a current series of journals I’m keeping that started then. :D 

It’s just weird, I guess, that I’m realising this as an actual thing now, this year, when there are so many other identity shifts that I’m becoming aware of and starting to wonder whether I’ve known myself at all these past four years.