“What am I Doing Here?” – Questioning Yourself and Who You Want to Be

Ever had that awful feeling of “what am I doing here?” Have you ever just taken yourself out of your body, and shook your head at what you found yourself doing?

Well I had that feeling today. I know that I promised to give more positive posts about life, but I have to say that I’m feeling a whole new level of lost lately. When I was sitting in this chair, surrounded by all the wrong people, telling me all the things I never wanted to hear again, I felt angry. Really angry. And then when I got home, I cried.

In life there are a lot of “what am I doing” moments, where we question our actions. It might be after a questionable one-night stand.  It might be after agreeing to help someone do something that you shouldn’t. Or, like me, it can be from your entire life. By reflecting on who you are right now, in contrast to who you thought you’d be.

For years, I’ve been an academic. Everyone thought such great things about me, and thought that I’d go far. I’d of course get a degree, a good job, and be very successful. They probably thought I’d stay on that path, and so did I.

But I’m not. I’m on a completely different path now. A wonky one. An unstable one – scarily unstable. It’s funny, though, because in the same day someone said something to me that I didn’t think I’d hear right now. He said, “wow you really know what you’re doing with your life!”

Wait what? Are you talking about me? Are you serious?

This completely baffled me and I actually laughed really loud for a good while. Because, as you know, I have no f*cking idea what I’m doing. And that’s when I thought, it’s all about perspective. It’s all about what people see from us. Over social media, he only sees the fact that I’m publishing books and doing blog posts. He doesn’t see me getting upset, looking for jobs, working part time and not making a lot of money. He doesn’t know that I have lots of options to pursue, but no idea how to pursue them or which ones to try first. He doesn’t know how scared I am.

But neither do we know all that stuff from other people, do we? We love to compare ourselves to others, often feeling crap about ourselves because of it, but that’s ridiculous. We don’t see the ugly stuff, because no one shares the ugly stuff…

So yes, I had a moment of questioning how I’m here right now. Why I allowed it to happen. And that it feels crap. But I’m not alone. I’m not a freak. A lot of people my age are probably feeling the same way. They’re lost too.

I know I need a life coach! Someone who could tell me, “OK so this is what you should do, and we’ll go from there”. But sadly, I don’t. Instead, I just need to make money whilst I test some waters and of course try to get my writing noticed. That is my plan, so I have more of a plan than I actually thought…right?!

So “what am I doing here?”, well I’m struggling uphill to reach the top of the mountain. I’m swimming against the current to reach the open lake. All those who succeed, must first struggle. “Not all those who wander are lost” and I think I finally understand that now. I may be wandering, drifting, but in truth, maybe I’m not so lost. And you might not be either. Let’s stick with it!

~ Damsel