Know Your Tendencies and Try Something New – Family

I’ve worked with thousands of families, researched development for years, and believe me – there’s no one right way to do healthy humanhood.

This is why experimenting in family life is crucial. You are evolving, they are evolving. Choose to EXPERIMENT! Be curious about what works for you and your family.

One way to start identifying opportunities for experiments, as in, “Let’s try something new…!” Is to know your tendency and try the opposite. Below I listed four possible scenarios that families grapple with all the time. Use these examples to get your wheels turning around your tendencies, and how you can experiment.

When the situation arises:

You feel rushed to get out the door in morning…

And your tendency is to:

Speed up, get annoyed and bark orders…

Experiment with this:

Slow down. Take a few breaths. Observe before making your request. Notice what your people are doing. Connect with them in their world before you say what you need. Make eye contact as you let them know what’s going to happen next. Finally, give yourself a moment to appreciate and delight in the fact that they are part of your world!

When the situation arises:

Your people argue and pick on each other…

And your tendency is to:

Yell over them and try to shut it down…

Experiment with this:

Pause. Give them space to see if they will work it out on their own. If you enter the dynamic, name how you’re feeling in a way that disrupts it, and still communicates what’s happening for you (i.e. “YIKES! I’m feeling frazzled by all of this arguing!”)

When the situation arises:

Your people complain, whine, or act in ways that are challenging for you during dinner…

And your tendency is to:

Take it personally, feeling disrespected, resentful, and dreading dinner time…

Experiment with this:

Shake it up! Have a “fancy dinner” one night, and encourage everyone to pretend to be their most proper selves (you can even talk with accents). Or have dinner in the bath tub, on the living room floor, or on a picnic blanket outside. Remind yourself what dinner is for beyond just getting some food into everyone – to connect and be together. Experiment with ways dinner can serve that goal.

When the situation arises:

Your partnership gets ignored because it feels like the kid(s) have precedence…

And your tendency is to:

Point the finger at your partner for not making any effort…

Experiment with this:

Take responsibility and give the love you’re looking for! Send a sexy text message during the day. Look your partner in the eye and thank them for doing something routine. (i.e. “Thank you for taking out the trash.” “Thank you for picking up the kids.” “Thank you for being on this crazy adventure with me.” ). Surprise them with a date night and organize a sitter/etc.

 

So, I’m curious. What are your tendencies in family life?

And what can you experiment with?

Much love,

Carrie

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When I can approach life with the attitude of “experimentation,” I find more freedom in the chaos and unknowns.

I feel less like I need to know the answer, and more open to finding my way.

And when parents embrace this spirit, they model a way of being in the world that allows their children to move through life with a spirit of experimenting. That’s a huge gift!

 

 

 

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I just wanted to share with you that you are validating so many of my feelings as a parent, especially today. Saying there is no “right way,” really helps and I am going to remind myself of this throughout the day. I get hijacked very easily about whether I am doing things “right,” and it is so important for me to feel confident that I am doing the best I can for our family even if it is different from others. Also, the “should,” do things this way gets to me too. Especially, when I am tired and feeling vulnerable. I’m realizing through a lot of trial and error that it really is all about what works for the parent and their family as hard as that is to do sometimes. I get lost in the details and the logistics of how things “should” be and how my day “should,” go. I’m working on just being and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Thanks again! ~ Lindsay

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