Say what they say, only better

We've been talking about rewriting a first draft. When doing so, it makes sense to pay particular attention to your dialog.
Sometimes we can have our characters say all the right things but might still want to rewrite some of our dialog. Here’s an example of trying too hard to make dialog more colorful:
“I won’t put up with it,” Eve shrieked.  “I’ll leave you if it happens again.”“You can’t do that,” Adam moaned.  “You’re a part of me.”“Not anymore,” Eve snapped.  “But I love you,” Adam whined weakly.“Then your time in paradise is over,” she chortled.
She chortled?  In an effort to make this dialog more interesting, I have made it laughable.  The point is there’s nothing wrong with the simple word “said” in dialog. Is that boring? Only to you, the writer. Actually, the word “said” is neutral, almost invisible.  And because it does not draw attention to itself, it keeps the reader’s focus on your characters’ words. 
To vary dialog it’s much better to change the format and add some action or description. Here’s one way to rewrite the passage above.
Eve’s words exploded at him.  “I won’t put up with it!  I’ll leave you if it happens again.”“You can’t do that,” Adam said.  Pain showed on his face.  “You’re a part of me.”“Not anymore.” “But I love you,” Adam said in a low, childlike voice.“Then your time in paradise is over.”
There’s the same conversation with only one “said” and no substitute verbs. The “said” substitutes are the lazy way out so it’s not weird that they would show up in a first draft. But disposing of them should be part of your rewrite strategy. Letting us see what’s happening between characters involves the reader in the conversation so much better than clues like “Adam whined.” So in your rewrite use the old reliable word, “said” along with other, equally neutral substitutes like “replied” or “asked” and find better ways of letting us know that your character smiled, hissed or sputtered.
In my first draft haste I also often overuse adverbs. Is that bad? Well it is if your work comes out looking like this:
Tommy was startled when he opened the door and Mike walked in.“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked nervously.“I’m looking for you,” Mike said angrily.  “Where have you been all day?”“I had to leave,” Tommy said softly.  “The thing in the closet sent me away.”“Thing in the closet?” Mike said fiercely.  “I’ve had enough of this nonsense.  I’m going in there and toss everything out.”“No, no,” Tommy said, frantically.  “If you go in there it will kill you.”
Adverbs are the easy way (that is, the lazy way) to try to make your writing more expressive. However, they are almost always unnecessary, and they tempt us to avoid the “show don’t tell” rule. So rather than telling the reader that Mike is angry or that Tommy is frantic, in the rewrite I’d try to show what they are doing or how they are acting that makes it clear. For example, when Mike burst in, the next line could be,
“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked, stuttering a little, his eyes jumping left and right.
With that little description we know he answered nervously.
There’s more to a good line-by-line rewrite. I’ll share some more thoughts on this next week.