Dirt-munching, crystal-gripping, tree-hugging hippie with druids in her eyes.

She had flowing green salad hair and a flax seed glow. Everything she wore was made from hemp, even the heart on her sleeve.

Black curly hair peopled her pits, and a petrichor cloud of potting soil patchouli followed her everywhere she went.

I was smitten.

She told me her name was Saffron, but deep down inside I knew it was really Britney Courtney Ashley.