How can I get as far away from Americans as possible, but still be in America?

Alaska.

Here, people walk around with guns in holsters, just like the old west. No one is from here. Everyone is from somewhere else, running from something, like me. Granted, there are kids who grow up here and dream of Columbus, Ohio and Kalamazoo, Michigan, but one day they will leave and be absorbed into the endless gray typicality of “the lower 48”. They will no longer factor into Alaska. They will become the people future Alaskans run from.

This country is vast. I knew it was vast, intellectually, but you have to see it to believe it. It’s jaw-dropping. Not only is Alaska the largest state, but it is almost half the size of the continental U.S. If you go from Boston to Chicago, for example, you would still be in Alaska.

Vast.

Why it hasn’t seceded from the union is beyond me. Oh, and did I mention it’s rich? Apparently, just for living here you get oil royalties. In other states, you have to pay taxes. In Alaska, the state pays you taxes. “Gee, thanks for living here!”

Still, it is not without its shitiness. Like any frontier place, it is full of frontier people, with their strippers and hookers and whores. It is a place where there are far more men than women, and that NEVER results in civility. It results in drunkenness and violence and human trafficking, every single time. Men need women. Not just a few for pleasure, but a lot of women, to reign them in, make them take a shower, make them comb their beard, fucking stand up straight.

Who is going to tell us to put the seat up before we piss if there are no women? We’re animals without enough of them. This has been proven time and again throughout human history, most recently during the oil boom in North Dakota, and to this day in Alaska.

We will never understand nor accept ourselves because we think human nature, our very own nature, is wrong. Gravity is wrong, too, you know. Haha.

Silly humans. Tricks are for men.