Taste – The Power of Words
We are constantly teaching our kids the social and emotional skills they need to succeed in their environments – what words to use when they speak to their teachers, friends, and family members. There is no need to work so hard to teach them, however, if we exemplify this ourselves. If our words and tone of voice are respectful and don’t hurt others’ feelings – our children’s, first and foremost – then our children won’t know any other way of speaking.
“That’s scary,” said a mom in a class, sounding concerned. “Am I going to have to learn how to speak ‘properly’? I’m exhausted just thinking about it.”
Here’s what has worked for me and for many other parents: Pick the favorite term of endearment that you use when speaking lovingly to your child – darling, honey, whatever – and use it even when you are angry. My pet words for my kids are love, babloo (“dear” in Hindi), and jaan (“my life” in Hindi). Even when I am angry, I try to remember to use one of those terms right away. It took a while to completely switch from What were you thinking? to What were you thinking, love? But I was amazed to find that it had a profound effect on my tone of voice! The very taste of the word love or dear actually made my tone of voice more loving and compassionate, even though I was angry. The addition of one word and the shift in tone produced a totally different response from my kids: “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I even did or said that.”
Our words can either drive our kids to close up and be defensive or encourage them to open up and drop their guard. The more we use terms of endearment in place of words of “enfearment,” the kinder we sound and the easier it becomes to communicate with our kids.
Words of endearment tone down the volume of emotions and engage the intellect. Don’t get me wrong; do follow through with the appropriate discipline or grounding. But remember to use words that match the intention of the larger goal: your loving relationship with your kids. If adding that one term of endearment can change the outcome of a single conversation, imagine the powerful changes it can bring over the course of childhood years. When you’re talking to your kids, sprinkle your words with love so they taste good to both you and your child.
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