3 Ways To Handle A Tough Conversation With Someone Who Works For You

Imagine that someone you manage fails to come through with what is promised over and over again. You are not sure what to do because in other ways they are valuable to the team. You feel frustrated but you don’t like the idea of having to confront the situation. 

You are not alone. Many leaders and managers view confrontation as a negative experience they’d rather avoid. But what if there was a way to gain objectivity with the emotion involved and have an interaction that could lead to a resolution of the problem? 

In general, what are the steps involved? 

Tune in to the emotional reactions you are having without judging yourself for having themUse your emotional reactions to gain clarity and objectivityTake effective action from the clarity and objectivity you gain

In this case we are focusing on frustration. Here’s a way you can effectively tune in to the frustration you are feeling so that you can see your responsibility in the matter, see the other person’s responsibility in the matter, and choose an objective approach. 

1. On a piece of paper answering the following:

What happened? Why am I feeling frustrated? What is my responsibility in what has occurred?What is theirs? 

2. Clarify responsibility:

It’s a common mistake to think you should be able to control someone else’s behavior – even if that person reports to and is accountable to you. As a leader or manager your responsibility is not to control their behavior, but to establish the agreed upon, clearly defined expectations, goals, and priorities they are accountable for. Their responsibility is to come through and be someone who can be counted on to deliver what is expected of them. If they don’t, that is not your responsibility. But it is your responsibility to hold them to account. 

3. Take charge objectively:

The crux of the matter rests on overcoming confusion about responsibility. Your part: Look and see if you’ve given them clear direction, if you’ve clearly defined the responsibilities and expectations for their role. Their part: They are responsible for how they perform, how they meet their responsibilities, and whether their behavior contributes to the teams’ efforts to accomplish the organization’s goals and objectives – or not. 

You can then let them know that you would like this to work out, but that it is up to them to do what is required. After saying you’d like this to have a good resolution, you need to understand where they stand: 

I need to understand your intent, and your commitment. Mine is to have this work out well; that the reports you are responsible for are in on time on a consistent basis. We all have times when we are pressed and need to renegotiate a deadline, but we’re dealing here with something that has been happening month after month. What can I count on you for? 

Listen for their response. You are giving this person a chance to rise to the occasion, and come through responsibly in their role. If in the end they don’t, and you have to take further steps, you can have the confidence of knowing that although you don’t have control over whether they come through or not, you faced the frustration you were feeling and offered them a chance to succeed going forward. You can’t succeed for them, but you can sincerely offer them the opportunity and they just might take you up on that. 

 

 

 

 

Jane Firth, M.Sc., career coach and founder and President of Firth Leadership Partners