Betty Adams's Blog, page 61
March 16, 2020
Humans are Weird - Questionable Substances
Humans are Weird – Questionable Substances“The time has come,” Fifth Sister said in a flat tone.
“The time had come to do what now?” Skr’ttx asked her after the traditional six seconds of silence.
The towering Shartar flicked her antenna and neck frill in a sort of joint show of irritation and smugness.
“Central University has requested a justification for the orders you have been labeling ‘human nutrition supplements’.” She informed him.
Skr’ttx felt all eight of his appendages tighten under him as the full implications of her words sunk in. Thankfully she gave him plenty of time to mull over his response. They had been debating the wisdom of his actions, central cluster, they had been debating the morality of his actions, for local months. There was not doubt it got results. No other work crew in the sector had anything near his level of efficiency. The humans were careful too. They never over indulged to the detriment of their bodies or minds. At least not that the base medic could detect. That was the only thing that had kept Fifth Sister from plucking him about this. Still, the fact that it increased their participate to the extent that it did seemed to indicate-
“I do not wish to be rude,” Fifth Sister finally said waving the data pad in her hand.
“Of course, of course,” Skr’ttx said, uncurling his motile legs and turning off his computer.
“Shall I carry you to the conference room?” Fifth Sister asked.
“I think I need the walk,” Skr’ttx said. “I can make good time on the catwalks.”
Fifth Sister flicked her antenna in acknowledgment and left the room. Skr’ttx took just a moment to groom his eye hairs to steady himself and set out at a purposeful skitter toward the conference rooms. He found the inter-Universtiy comm hub waiting for him. Humming with the power it took to maintain instant communication across interstellar spaces. He idly, and fondly remember a time with this sort of thing was handled by recording and couriers. Life was just so much easier when you really had time to think about your responses. He stepped up to the station and tapped the screen to list himself present. The holo-display grew gracefully to life, showing the Undulate who was the current head of the University ethics board.
“Trisk Acquaintance Skr’ttx,” the Undulate greeted him formally, “I am called Plodsalong.”
Skr’ttx felt an odd wash of conflicting emotions as he took the full six seconds to process that. The fact that Plodsalong had a human granted name, and that couldn’t be anything else, was a good omen. It meant that he had dealt with humans and their particular brand of madness before. However the implications about his methods were not promising.
“Greetings,” Skr’ttx replied. “Am I to assume I am under investigation?”
“Waves no,” Plodsalong said. “It is far to early for a formal investigation.”
Skr’ttx felt oddly uneasy about that.
“No,” Plodsalong said slowly. “I simply want to understand the situation. You sound, over the past several months you have ordered several crates of class seven processed bio-chemical under the guise of ‘human nutrition supplements’. Is this true?”
Skr’ttx watched the Undulate wave his reading appendage over what must be a data pad just out of sight and fought the urge to squirm like a hatchling.
“It is true that I offer the items to the humans as a nutrient supplement,” he agreed. “They choose to eat them at their own discretion in addition to their usual nutrient intake.”
The Undulate raised several appendages as if he were examining Skr’ttx more closely over the link as he pondered the situation.
“Are the humans unable to order the items on their own?” he asked.
“Nothing prevents them from doing so,” Skr’ttx was able to answer quickly.
After all, he had pondered that very question nearly every time one of the humans had come up to his canister with eager hand extended and bright, bifocal eyes focused on the item in question with the predatory look that was so terrifying.
“Why?” Plodsalong asked carefully. “Do you think it appropriate for you to distribute these supplements? You are not rated as a nutritionist.”
“I am not,” Skr’ttx agreed. “But while it is a class seven substance. It is also conditionally listed as human exempt. The reasons are beyond me but the humans on base assure me that it is harmless in the doses that I administer it.”
“That is in question in the xeno-medical labs as we speak,” Plodsalong said. “However that is not an answer to my question. Why? Why did you feel the need to administer the substance at all.”
Skr’ttx shifted his paws uneasily on the floor before he braced himself and answered.
“Workplace efficiency,” he said quietly.
“How exactly does this substance improve workplace efficiency?” asked the Undulated.
“Well, you see,” Skr’ttx said slowly. “You know that I have a very tight schedule. The gravitational phenomenon I measure happen with very little warning, and each set has little time in between them, and the different pulses require a complete physical repositioning of the sensors. The sensors are large and heavy and only the humans can really move them effectively.”
“That is the justification you used for requisitioning such a large crew of technicians,” Plodsalong said.
“Well they were,” Skr’ttx waved his gripping pads in an Undulate intensifier, “being very inefficient.”
“To the point that you were failing to get readings,” the Undulate sent a wave of understanding down his length.
“Yes,” Skr’ttx replied. “They were showing up and doing the work but it was as if each had calculated the bare minimum amount of effort necessary to retain their position and was only preforming that.”
“And I sound that you addressed the issue on several occasions,” the Undulate dropped his reading appendages over the data pad as he, presumably, examined the records of those encounters.
“Yes!” Skr’ttx couldn’t help skittering sideways in irritation. “Each time had the same result. The human would acknowledge their fault, apologize, and the next work session would show a brief period of improvement before they would slump back to the previous level of inaction.”
He paused and the holo of the Undulate only lifted an appendage at him expectantly.
“So I asked the crew-lead what I should do,” Skr’ttx. “She explained to me that they all were under the effect of something called senioritis. It is complicated but the basic concept is that the majority of them only have a few months of service left on their contracts before they return to their home colonies. The link between the effort they put into their work and any reward they will get has been essentially severed. So they have no immediate motivation to exert more than the required effort.”
“And the entire crew suffers from this, senioritis?” the Undulate asked.
“Not directly,” Skr’ttx said, “but the attitude of the majority affects even the less experienced humans.”
“Have you thought about exchanging the crew for humans with more time on their contracts?” Plodsalong asked.
“None of them have the experience the activity requires,” Skr’ttx said.
The Undulate hummed thoughtfully for a few moments.
“As fascinating as this all it,” Plodsalong said slowly, “it still does not explain the substance.”
“The crew-lead shared a human method of coping with this,” Skr’ttx said. “She said that if I was proactive I could combat the senioritis by applying small rewards for discreet acts of efficiency and displays of proactive problem solving. She suggested this substance as the one most likely to be universally acceptable to the human digestive system and universally palatable to human taste. I have found her assessment accurate.”
“So every time a human preforms their duties above a mediocre level you would reward them with one unit of this substance?” Plodsalong asked. “And it has improved efficiency?”
“We now have a surplus of data,” Skr’ttx confirmed. “If this continues at the current rate we will be finished ahead of schedule.”
They both fell silent and pondered the situation. It wasn’t as if Skr’ttx didn’t understand the Undulate’s concerns. He worried over the ethics of the situation constantly. But the humans were happy. They responded well to the stimulus. And they wouldn’t produce and sell something inherently harmful would they?
“As the product is not yet illicit I cannot take any action on the matter.” Plodsalong finally said. “However I expect you to monitor the health of your crew closely.”
Skr’ttx danced sideways in relieved acknowledgment. The conversation closed and he headed for the large space they had chosen to set up the sensor equipment. He stopped by his quarters to pick up the grav-cart he used to transport the substance. He paused to brush his paws over his head hairs in exasperation as he examined the brightly colored cannister the substance was dispensed from. How could such a simple thing cause so much stress? He padded the side of the cart lightly to activate it and it hummed to life and hovered a paw’s breadth over the floor. The lettering on the side of the canister gleamed in the bright lights of the hallway.
“Old Fashioned Hard Candy.” “Made from only the finest organic cane sugar.”
Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.
March 15, 2020
March 13, 2020
March 11, 2020
March 9, 2020
Humans are Weird - Silent Screams
Humans are Weird – Silent Screams“Other than the near universal desire to keep useful items ordered and readily available, no I do not know of any particular human proclivity for storage compartments,” Ninth Sister said.
The Winged commander sighed and ran his winghooks over his sensory horns. Ninth Sister felt his feet grip her shoulders as he shifted.
“Perhaps you should come observe the phenomena for yourself,” he suggested.
“You can predict this behavior?” Ninth Sister asked.
“Under certain conditions yes,” he replied. “The human in question is currently in her quarterly review and will demonstrate the behavior quite nicely if the patter holds. We should be able to observe it from that round table by the cafe.”
Ninth Sister took the hint and strolled over to the table. The server, a respectably sized human who only came to her antenna tips came out to take their order and retreated back into the establishment. The Winged commander flitted up to the crossbeams that supported the solar shade and hung with his beady little eyes pointed at the door to the administration office. The server brought out a chilled nectar for Ninth Sister and a dish of protein crystals for the Winged commander. He flitted down to the table to snatch one up and held it between his needle like teeth as they waited. Ninth Sister dipped her siphon into the refreshing drink and watched with mild interest as the protein crystal began to form a red froth around the Winged’s teeth. The forth crept out and covered his lips before his tongue flicked out and began licking it.
“You know the human’s consider this habit one of the most terrifying,” she observed.
“One of the main reasons they call us Hellbats,” he gurgled back at her.
Her antenna flexed down to wipe her mandibles in disgust and she barely managed to contain the reaction. Fortunately the Winged seemed not to understand the gesture and kept happily licking the froth off of his lips. He had finished the first crystal and started on a second when the door of the administration room irised open.
A single human stalked out. It was one of the newer resident professors. A midsized female with light golden coloration and the pigment-less eyes the humans called blue. Ninth Sister tilted her head curiously at the woman. She was clenching a notebook tightly in one hand. She came just far enough out of the administration room for the door to cycle shut and then her chest expanded in that peculiar mammalian behavior. The fleshly lids blinked over her eyes several times and then she abruptly turned and strode along the wall of the building complex.
“Now you will see,” the Winged commander said with a smug note in his voice. “There she goes.”
“And you say she was simply engaging in her quarterly assessment?” Ninth Sister asked.
“I am sure of it,” the Winged said. “As a commander I have access to the schedule. There!”
“That is in fact the supply storage facility,” Ninth Sister said as the human opened the door and stepped in. “Perhaps she simply needs to get supplies?”
“After every quarterly assessment?” the Winged demanded. “And she never leaves with anything she didn’t take in there with-”
“Silence!” Ninth Sister suddenly snapped, her frill flaring and her antenna perking up.
In an instant Ninth Sister was on her feet and bolting across the green space towards the storage compartment. The Winged commander took off after her and managed to grab onto her kilt.
“What got in your horns?” he demanded.
“Can’t you hear that?” she hissed.
“Hear what?” the Winged commander asked.
“It must be too low for you to register,” Ninth Sister said.
Her long loping stride had taken them to the door of the storage area and Ninth Sister yanked the door open and called out.
“Human-” Ninth Sister stopped and glanced down at the Winged commander with a feeling of consternation as she realized she didn’t know the human’s name.
“Professor Nowak,” the Winged commander supplied helpfully.
Professor Nowak was crouched on the floor of the storage space. She had snapped her head around when Ninth Sister opened the door and was staring at them with her eyes so wide that the whites were clearly visible all the way around her irises. Her notebook was clenched between her teeth and the rear claw of a low scream was tapering off.
“Would you like to come join us Professor Nowak?” Ninth Sister asked .
Professor Nowak disengaged her jaw with visible effort of the muscles along her neck and fell back on her padded hips. She stared quietly at them for a moment before closing her eyes, tossing her head back, and bursting out into laughter.
“Ay, did I make you worried Freinds?” she asked.
“I will admit to some concern when I heard you screaming,” Ninth Sister admitted.
“A little help up?” the human asked, holding up her hand.
Ninth Sister reached out a hand and braced her rear legs to pull. The Winged commander flitted over and made a show of pulling up on the human’s thumb. The human laughed and stood with Ninth Sister’s help.
“A joker you are,” Professor Nowak said. “I suppose you want an explanation for why I’m hiding in a storage locker screaming my lungs out ay?”
“I for one would appreciate it,” Ninth Sister said.
“Well thanks for coming to check on me,” the human said. “But it’s nothing serious. I had my quarterly today you know?”
“I am aware,” Ninth Sister said.
“Well I get,” the human squinted as they stepped out into the natural light, “overly anxious about it. So I deal with it by over prepping. Keeps me focused like.”
“That sounds reasonable,” Ninth Sister agreed.
“But I always over prepare,” Professor Nowak went on. “So I come out and I have all that extra nervous energy built up and nowhere to spend it productively. So I just find a nice quiet place and scream the rest of it off. Perfectly normal ay?”
She flashed her teeth at them and then turned to jog off towards the research offices.
“Is it?” the Winged commander asked.
“Is it what?” Ninth Sister asked.
“Perfectly normal to find a human curled up in the corner screaming,” he clarified.
“I do not know,” she replied.
Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.
March 8, 2020
March 6, 2020
March 3, 2020
March 2, 2020
Humans are Weird - National Pastime
Humans are Weird – The National Pastime“Will this ever end?” Human Friend Ester cried out in a wail of agony.
Fourteenth Sister laid her frill back and reminded herself that she needed this employment. She was fully molted. She was perfectly capable of putting up with human idiosyncrasies.
“Are you referring to this particular stretch of the path?” Fourteenth Sister asked, more to stop the nymph like chattering of her companion.
“Ughh! No!” Human Friend Ester replied. “It levels out just around the corner. I mean this hike! Why is it so long?”
“Did you not chose this route when we were planning the excursion?” Fourteenth Sister asked.
“Yeah, yeah,” Human Friend Ester said with a dismissive wave of a hand. “You’ve never been in this neck of the woods before. I’ve done this hike like three times. I swear it get longer each time.”
“Are you suggesting?” Fourteenth Sister demanded, her frill laying flat against her shoulders in irritation. “That someone has come out in the time since your last visit and restructured the course of the path?”
“What?” Human Friend Ester glanced at her and tightened the twin flap of skin over binocular eyes. “No, no. I mean it just feels like it. I sear you have to be mad to make this a pastime.”
Fourteenth Sister coiled her antenna and fell silent as she tried to parse that statement. While there was the possibility that Human Friend Ester was questioning her sanity, Fourteenth Sister’s experience to date suggested it was some colloquialism. Still, the rules of deep space exploration did dictate that she follow up any such suggestion.
“Are you suggesting that my mental health is impaired?” Fourteenth Sister asked.
“Huh?” Human Friend Ester glanced back at her with that unfocused look that was so very disturbing on a species that so obviously was designed to focus.
“You suggested that anyone who would make climbing this trail a pastime was mentally unstable,” Fourteenth Sister explained. “I have chosen this as a pastime.”
“No, no!” Human Friend Ester said with a laugh. “Just a slip of the tongue. In that case I’d be right nutters too. I invited you out here after all.”
“Yes you did,” Fourteenth Sister observed. “I am beginning to wonder why.”
“You make a great hiking companion,” Human Friend Ester said. “Not that I mind carrying the cuddle mops or the Hell Bats but you know it’s good to just free- ah, travel without having to be constantly thinking about not having to sit on someone you know?”
“You could simply request that your companion not use you as a resting surface,” Fourteenth Sister suggested.
“Nah!” Human Friend Ester said. “Wouldn’t want to offend the little cuddle buggers. Besides, you can nearly keep up.”
“Nearly?” Fourteenth Sister arched her antenna in query.
“Yeah,” Human Friend Ester went on. “And the little bit you do slow me down is a nice break from this lung popping hill.”
Horror rippled through her frill at the image that conjured. The massive, inflatable human lungs, of such a volume that they doubled as buoyancy organs, would indeed ‘pop’ spectacularly.
“You do not need my presence to justify traveling more slowly,” Fourteenth Sister pointed out, desperately trying to rid her imagination of that image. “This is recreation.”
“What would I complain about then?” Human Friend Ester asked.
Fourteenth Sister actually stopped in her tracks as she parsed that.
“You wish, you desire...a reason for complaint?” she asked.
Human Friend Ester glanced back at her with that strange contortion called a smile playing over the human’s face.
“Complainning’s the national pastime where I’m from,” Human Friend Ester replied. “Gotta keep in practice.”
Fourteenth Sister resumed her pace and began counting the days until her period of service was over.
Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.
