Betty Adams's Blog, page 65

Humans are Weird IRL - Gaining Access

Humans are Weird IRL - Gaining Access 

Me in my best Ranger Voice: It really is a fascinating question. As a scientist I am bound to precise accuracy, but one must bow to common usage in many ways. I had quite the row with a co-worker this morning when she very pointedly said she was accessing the internet. Now I know she knows better but just to be sure I described the traditional use of access as a noun and how using it as a verb was a perversion of the late twentieth century. All this did was inspire her to make direct eye contact with me before stating that she was accessing the internet.  I calmly but firmly replied that she was gaining access. 

Glassy Eyed Tourist: But..I just asked what you were doing out here on the roadside in the snow....

Me: Oh, well that was when my boss kicked me out of the office. 

Humans are Weird - Call and Response

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


Humans are Weird – Call and Response


For one blessed day the shared data processing space on the integrated base had been calm, quiet, and in general an efficient work zone. The room was a massive dome to accommodate the bipedal members of the survey teams. Four gently murmuring streams divided the workspace into quarters that circled the central ponds. The ceiling was a network of exposed struts that contained and concealed the Winged’s offices. Certain patches, equidistant from the water, glowed comfortingly in the infrared spectrum.
It was on one of these that Observer Grisssk lounged. The warming stone might have been clawed specifically for him for how comfortable it was. His claws tapped lightly over the screen as he entered the rough data for the final observation he had taken. He still had to write a report for each of the bare-bones datasets, but at last, the neigh impossible task seemed manageable.
“It’s not easy being an Observer,” he growled to himself.
He took pains to pitch his voice to low for any of his colleagues to hear. He was no grumbling hatchling who needed a nice rub over his eyeridges to calm down. Given the humans were exceptionally good at that sort of thing but these were working hours and he had a professional reputation to maintain. Still one did need to vent their gasses before they turned to flame. His tongue flicked over the points of his teeth as he closed the file and leisurely stretched his tail.
Being an Observer on a base that contained seven separate species, living and working together was very trying. Every time he saw what he suspected to be a previously undescribed behavior he had to note it down. Hopefully one of the cracked-skulls at the University would be able to make a proper scientific study off of his notes.  He ran a critical yellow eye over the busily working researchers. To his immense relief he noted nothing that he had not noted before.
He pulled out his datapad scored for continuing observations and rested it comfortably under one claw. There was the Winged nutritionist flitting off for his rest period. There was the Shatar linguist gently nudging her smaller mate out of their work space. There was-
“She turned me into a newt!” A human voice declared from some dark corner of the room.
Silence broken only by the soft lapping of the water followed and then in the same warped human voice but from a different corner.
“I got bettah’!”
Raucous laughter burst from the clawcluster of humans in the room and even the slim, male Shatar shook his antenna in mildly amused annoyance before walking off. The laughter died down and the humans went back to their work without another word. Grisssk rubbed his clenched claws over his eye ridges and gave a tired sigh. He pulled out the new reports section and sent out a prayer that the University would send him an assistant. 

Humans are Weird - Kidde Classes

​Humans are Weird – Kiddie Class

“So, anyway,” Fifth Ranger was explaining as he gestured at the broad expanse of skin he had exposed along his abdomen. “That was the day we were doing our stop-drop-and-roll drills. By the time it was my turn to roll I’d completely forgotten about the bottle I’d hidden and it broke from the fall. I sure remembered the bottle fast when the glass broke. But I knew I shouldn’t have had it under there so I didn’t cry or let the teacher’s know what had happened until the cuts had bled through my shirt and the teachers saw.”
“Fascinating,”  Fourth Cousin said. “You genuinely did not consider massive laceration  to your dermal surface a problem?”
“Not one worth getting in trouble for,” Fifth Ranger said with a shrug. “But, hey. I was just a kid. My brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders. If you know what I mean.”
“I am constantly amazed by how casual you mammals are about damage to your outer membrane,” Fourth Cousin said shaking her head as her antennas twitched.
“Our skin’s designed to take a beating,” Fifth Ranger replied. “It’s not that big of a deal. Biological differences and all that.”
“So what is a stop-drop-and-roll drill?” Fourth Cousin asked.
“Training on what to do if our clothes catch fire,” Fifth Ranger said. “It’s about how to smother the flames.”
Fourth Cousin’s antenna curled in horror and her frill dropped to press against her neck. Fifth Ranger’s lips quirked in a sign of amusement and he tilted his head to the side.
“Just out of curiosity,” he said. “What about that horrified you?”
“Your training,” she said slowly as her frill began to flutter in confusion. “Assumes that small children will catch fire…”
“Accidents do happen,” He said with a shrug .
“Did you ever catch fire?” She asked.
“Well no,” he replied. “But I know what to do if I did.” 

Humans are Weird - Much in Common

Humans are Weird – Much in Common

​“It is a shame,”  Rollsaround commented as he swam easily along the aquatic third of the corrider .
“What’s a shame Rolls?” Human Friend Gabby asked.
“That you and the only other human on base have so little in common,” Rollsaround said in a sad tone.
Gabby’s bipedal, falling tread caught and then stopped as she glanced at him. Her face contorted in confusion wrinkles and her head tilted to the side as she tried to fix her hearing on him.
“Say what now?” she finally articulated.
He rolled and swam back to her. He thrust over half of his mass out of the water so she could hear him more clearly.
“I said, it is a shame that you and the only other human on base have so little in common,” he repeated.
“Alex?” Human Friend Gabby said. “What are you talking about we have tons in common.”
“Really?” Rollsaround stiffened in surprise.
“We are the same age,” Gabby said holding up one of her adorably short segmented hand appandages. “We have basically the same higher education degree. Heck, just having a degree gives us a lot more in common than most humans. We have basically the same ethnic makeup. She dresses and grooms basically the same way that I do. Honestly I’m thinking of having our genetics compared because it wouldn’t surprise me at all if we were fairly close cousins one way or another. We have tons in common. What on Earth gave you the idea we didn’t have much in common?”
“But,” Rollsaround gave a frustrated roll. “You argue over every topic you discuss.”
Gabby narrowed the fleshy flaps over her binocular eyes and pressed the fleshy flaps over her teeth. 
“That?” She finally asked. “That is just more of us being the same. We have the same contrary sense of humor. You have noted that most of our contradictory statements are utterly, well mad basically.”
“I had noted,” Rollsaround said cautiously. “I assumed your fury with each other simply impaired your reasoning capacity.”
“Huh,” Human Friend Gabby’s stripes flushed with a sudden concern. “If it’s freaking out the base I suppose we can rein it in.”
“That might be advisable,” Rollsaround admitted.
“Well thanks for bringing it up Rolls,” Human Friend Gabby said with a wave. “I wouldn’t have wanted our verbal sparring to interfere with the function of the base. Someone might have called in the counselors or some nonsense like that.”
“We wouldn’t want that,” Rollsaround said quickly. “I will see you tomorrow Human Friend Gabby.”
He ducked under the surface of the water and accelerated towards his office. He might be just in time to delete the message to the Core Intraspecies Counseling Office before the next data dump. 

Humans are Weird - Have a Nice Trip

Humans are Weird – Have a Nice Trip


“Human Friend Steve?”  Rollsaround asked  cautiously.
The human had just folded himself around a piece of furniture called a chair and was staring intently at another human across the room. Human Friend Steve was also vibrating. This might be a sign of either distress or suppressed humor. The way his face was warped, revealing his disturbingly sharp flesh rending teeth, suggested the latter but Rollsaround wanted to be sure.
“Yeah Rolls?” Human Friend Steve replied without turning his eyes away from the other human.
“Are you amused?” Rollsaround asked.
“I am sure about to be,” Human Friend Steve replied, his entire body hitching up as he surprised his laughter.  
“Pardon my ignorance,” Rollsaround pressed. “You are displaying symptoms of humor now…are you not amused?”
Human Friend Steve glanced at him and the rings of exposed muscle in his eyes relaxed in the sign that his focus was turned towards his core.
“Well,” he said slowly. “I did a thing, that will result  in my being amused, and so I am forecasting the result of my actions in my head, and amused at that…anticipatory amusement I guess.”
“May I ask what this action was,” Rollsaround asked. “So that I may share in this anticipatory amusement?”
The muscle rings tightened again as Human Friend Steve focused on him and the vibrations stilled as he turned thoughtful.
“Better not,” Human Friend Steve said slowly. “Plausible deniability and all that. Just enjoy it when it happens.”
Human Friend Steve’s eyes and attention turned back to the human he was watching and Rollsaround mulled over his words. The Undulates appendages tightened in concern.
“Human Friend Steve,” he finally asked. “Do you mean-“
His question was cut off as the other human stood, and the slow, constant fall that formed the species distinctive locomotion cut to one swift fall and the human’s massive body impacted the floor with a shock that was probably felt over the entire base.  The human gave one or two great gasps of air.
“I’m fine!” the human announced to the room at large. “Fine.”
Human Friend Steve was bent double with laughing and slapping his legs.
“That human normally speaks in a much lower register,” Rollsaround noted. “Perhaps their self diagnosis is faulty?”
“Really,” the human gasped. “I’m fine.”
His voice was quickly lowering to a normal pitch, but it suddenly increased in volume.
“Slag it all-Steve!” the other human roared out as he struggled to a sitting position.
“Can’t prove it was me,” Human Friend Steve sang out in a cheerful tone. “Besides, if you wear lace up boots in this day and age you have to expect the consequences!”
“I’ll show you consequences!” the other human positively roared as his fingers worked the ties to his boots.
“See you around Rolls!” Human Friend Steve called out as he rose from his chair. “I suddenly feel that the other side of the base is much healthier at the moment.” 

Humans are Weird - Due Date

Humans are Weird - Due Date

“Can’t tonight Trills,” Susan said as she swept a handful of protein bars into one of her over large pockets. “I got a deadline.”

Ten-Trills ran a quick hook over his sensory horns to hide his offense. She had given him an open invitation to use her pockets for mid-day nesting and then she kept them in such disorder. It was very confusing.

“I am sorry to hear that,” Ten-Trills informed her when he had his fur smoothed. “Did the central coordinators send you another emergency packet?”

“Nah,” Susan said as she selected a rather worrying number of stimulants from those displayed on the counter. “It’s just that report on the protein yields on that hybrid from Tau Gamma Seven.”

“Were you not assigned that report six months ago?” Ten- Trills asked.

“Yeah,” Susan said as she tossed a final muffin into her pockets. “But it’s not done till tonight at midnight.”

“How much do you have left to do?” Ten-Trills asked.

“Enough to keep me busy till midnight,” Susan said as she strode out of the room. “See you tomorrow Trills.”
​
Ten-Trills watched her go as he mulled over the many recreational hours they had spent together at Susan’s behest. Hopefully there would not be too many crumbs in her pockets when she, hopefully, finished her report. 

Humans are Weird - Jumpy

Humans are Weird – Jumpy
​
“Second Maintenance-“  Sixteenth Sister began.
The human who had been bent over the printer gave a wordless sound she had never heard before and leapt into the air, twisting around to face her. His feet slammed back into the floor with a thump and his hand came up to grip his chest over his central heart. His eyes dilated and his outer membrane flushed with increased blood flow. His powerful bi-pulmonary lungs forced the atmosphere through his flaring nostril membranes.
“Second Maintenance Assistant,” Sixteenth Sister tried again. “What has frightened you?”
Her own antenna and frill were extended to their full extent now but she could not detect any threat in the well lit maintenance bay.
“Nah,” the human said, drawing in a single great gasp of air that seemed to still the rest of the symptoms. “No threat. Just-“
He stood up and shook out his limbs.
“You just startled me is all,” he said, twisting his face into what she was assured was a friendly gesture.
“I, startled, you?” she asked in surprise, her frill slowly lowering as her antenna curled.
“Well,” he corrected himself as he glanced back at the item printing. “I got startled; wasn’t your fault at all. I was just really into watching this thing print and lost track of where I was.”
Sixteenth Sister stared at him as her antenna slowly curled and uncurled.
“Yeah so what’d ya want?” He asked with a grin.
“When will the gripping appendage be printed?” Sixteenth Sister asked.
“Bout twenty minutes,” he said.
“Very well,” Sixteenth Sister said, backing out of the room, “I will inform the interested parties.” 

Humans Are Weird

Humans are Weird – Savage Corollary


​“Don’t you have to clear this with the ethics board before you do anything?” Forty-thee Trills asked as they perched together on one of the many arms of the communications array.
“Nope,” Tras’ktr replied as he adjusted the focus on the camera lens.
“But you are performing active scientific research on sentient beings,” Forty-three Trills pressed.
“No I am not,” Tras’ktr waved one of his free appendages in demonstration.
Demonstration of what Forty-three Trills wasn’t quite certain.
“How is this,” he gestured with his wing hook at the simple levers set up below them, “not  a scientific study?”
“Be still if you can!” Tras’ktr instructed. “Human Friend Jameson approached the target.”
Forty-three Trills huffed at the implied insult but went still, quite still thank you, to watch the human. Jameson was strolling towards the outdoor drink dispenser. It was a simple refrigeration unit that  kept added value nutrient fluids at optimum temperatures. Something that most species considered useful on warmer worlds but that humans insisted was absolutely necessary to moral. In front of the unit Tras’ktr had placed a contraption of serrated steel bands and various springs and levers.
“What did you say that artwork was supposed to mimic?” Forty-three Trills asked.
“The humans call it a bear trap,” Tras’ktr replied. “Now be still!”
Jameson had noted the mock trap and was frowning at it as he approached. He slowed to a stop and glanced around as if looking for some explanation. He attempted to reach over the device but found it exceeded his reach, leaving the drink unit controls just out of range of his fingers. There watched for several moments as the human tried various angles and positions before Jameson took a deep breath and stepped into the mock trap. The human gave one full body shudder and then let out a long breath when the device did not do whatever he had expected it to do. The human quickly extracted his drink before scampering out of the device. He stalked away glancing back at the device with a grin on his mouth but a nervous attention in his bifocal eyes.
“That was amusing,” Forty-three Trills admitted. “But how are you getting around the ethics board?”
“Something the humans taught me,” Tras’ktr said. “The principle is called the Savage Corollary. It’s not science if you don’t write it down.”

Back From the Life Sucking Flu

The title is self explanatory. I am not dead and I will make up the three week dead space to you this week. Look forward to the Monday, Wednesday, Friday updates! 

July 17th, 2019

While out looking for plants to ID I found the Tree of Gondor on a stone in Deer Creek.