Susan Scott's Blog, page 34

Cut Your Victim Bonding

We all love to victim bond at times. Victim bonding occurs when people get together and talk about how horrible a situation is. At its core, it is consistent with talking about the situation rather than doing anything to change it.

Common foreplay for victim bonding looks like this:

Person A: Oh, you are having trouble with Bill?

Person B: Yes, absolutely. Are you having trouble with Bill? He’s horrible. He never gives me enough resources.

Person A: Me either! Oh, let me tell you this story…

And so the bond begins. It feels so good. It feels so right. Someone actually “gets it” or “gets you”.

Let’s pause on that.

The quote “misery likes company” applies to this situation. Essentially, you are not only choosing misery, you are choosing to have someone else’s misery in your life as well. Is that what you really want?

With our Fierce Accountability work, one of the foundational concepts is: If it is to be, it is up to me. And yes, that means if a situation is going to change, you are responsible. That is the hard part.

The prognosis isn’t good: You most likely will become more miserable from your victim bonding.

And the kicker: No amount of victim bonding will change your situation.

So I ask: Think of an area in your life that you feel victim to a person or circumstance. This week, avoid victim bonding about the situation and have the direct conversation to start to change it.

Are you a victim bonder? Recovering victim bonder? Wherever you are in your journey, if you focus on having the conversation, you should feel success in trying to move the situation forward.

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Fierce Tip of the Week: Keep It Simple and Be Direct

I have learned over the years, in both my professional and personal life, that the best way to be direct is to keep it simple. Get to the point and get on with it.

This week’s Fierce tip encourages you to do just that. When you have a conversation speak to the heart of the matter, don’t beat around the bush, mince words, beg the question, hem or ha, or double-talk.

You might be surprised by how efficient being direct and simple can be.

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Friday Resource: Calming Your Brain During Conflict

This week’s Friday resource comes from Harvard Business Review (HBR) and offers ways to help calm your brain and body during moments of conflict.

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. When a conflict takes place, our brains and bodies often propel us into fight or flight mode. While this survival response is useful in life or death situations, it can potentially threaten our ability to move through conflict constructively and devise solutions that strengthen our relationships, both at work and at home.

Once our fight or flight mode is “triggered,” our bodies produce stress hormones that dampen our memory and make it difficult to be open to other points of view. What initially began as a disagreement suddenly turns into a perceived threat, and we may feel overwhelmed with both the negative thoughts and uncomfortable sensations occurring within us.

Fortunately, there are mindfulness-based steps we can take to prevent our survival response from causing us to lose control during our interactions. Per Diane Musho Hamilton, HBR, here are a few steps we can take that when practiced can help us remain calm when conflict arises:

Step 1: Stay present. “The first step in practicing mindfulness when triggered is to notice we are provoked. We may notice a change in our tone of voice, gripping sensations in the belly, or a sudden desire to withdraw. Each of us has particular bodily and behavioral cues that alert us to the reality that we feel threatened, and are therefore running on automatic pilot.

We have to decide to stay put and present, to be curious and explore our experience. For me, it helps to remind myself to relax. I have a visual cue that I use that involves my son. When I’m worked up, he has the habit of looking at me, raising and lowering his hands in a calming fashion, and saying ‘Easy Windmill.’ I try to reflect on this and it helps me calm down because he’s so charming when he does it.”

Step 2: Let go of the story. “This might be the most difficult part of the practice. We need to completely let go of the thinking and judging mind. This is a very challenging step because when we feel threatened, the mind immediately fills with all kinds of difficult thoughts and stories about what’s happening. But we must be willing to forget the story, just for a minute, because there is a feedback loop between our thoughts and our body. If the negative thoughts persist, so do the stressful hormones. It isn’t that we’re wrong, but we will be more far more clear in our perceptions when the nervous system has relaxed.”

Read the other steps and the rest of the article here.

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How to Prevent Your Own Brain from Hijacking Work Conversations

“Darn! I wish I hadn’t said that!”

“Yikes, I really shouldn’t have done that!”

We’ve all been there. These two phrases, or something like them, have come out of most of our mouths at one time or another. For some of us, more often than we care to admit! They are our regrets after we realize that we probably shouldn’t have raised our voice at that team member, or slammed our fists on our desks, or cursed at that driver who cut us off on our way to a meeting for which we’re already running late.

For most of us, that automatic response may seem unavoidable. Indeed, many of us react, then naturally blame that other person for our behavior – “I couldn’t help it. It’s his fault!” or, “She should know better than to make me have to do that!” Yet, what we often fail to realize is that it’s our reaction to these situations that generally causes others around us to take pause. Like a speedboat, we leave a wake in our path, in this case, what we at Fierce call an emotional wake, leaving our teams, colleagues, friends, and families asking themselves questions such as, Can I trust you? Are you stable? Do you have the leadership qualities that others would choose to follow?

The good news is, there is something we can do to control our responses to the events that surround us if we first understand where the responses come from.

Deep within the most primitive part of the human brain lies the amygdala. This reptilian portion of the brain was designed for our protection to detect danger and initiate our fight or flight responses. This is clearly a very important aspect of what helps us to jump out of the way of a moving bus, or pull our hands back from a hot stove. And there are times when that initial reaction may not be the most appropriate response for the situation. Because the amygdala kicks in before we are able to process the situation through our pre-frontal cortex, where reason lies, we find our fight or flight reactions taking over in what Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, describes as The Amygdala Hijack.

When we experience an Amygdala Hijack, we find ourselves behaving in ways that cause us to later say, “I wish I hadn’t done that!” These are also the times we begin to realize that we might have left a less-than-desirable emotional wake for those in our path.

With so much at stake—our relationships, our business results, our working conditions and cultures—we cannot afford to allow the Amygdala Hijack to rule our interactions. Now that we understand the origin of our responses, we can take the steps to manage them. Here are a few Fierce approaches to help you manage your responses, even when your nature is susceptible to fight or flight.

INTERROGATE REALITY – Is your version of reality the only truth that exists, or are there other possibilities? Try the simple SCC approach below to help you explore the multiple, valid realities that may exist:

1. Stop – When you notice fight or flight body sensations, pause yourself. At times, a simple deep breath will enable this step. The sharp intake of oxygen into the bloodstream will cause a rush of endorphins, promoting a greater sense of calm. Or perhaps you need to step away from the situation. “Bob, I’m not in the frame of mind to discuss this right now. Can we come back together in 30 minutes?”

2. Challenge – Dig into your assumptions and challenge them. Are they really THE truth? Could there be something else at play? Is Bob really lazy, or could there be some other difficulty he’s facing that’s causing this issue?

3. Choose – Pick an appropriate response. Rather than raising your voice or slamming your fist on the desk, choose a response that is more likely to yield a positive and productive result. This is not to say that sometimes folks may not need to see some fire, hear some passion in your voice, or know that indeed you are angry. The point is for you to understand and manage the response, and use that fire, passion, and anger judiciously and with intention.

PROVOKE LEARNING – Go into your interactions with an intention to learn, knowing that you alone do not have all the answers. Entering a conversation with a mindset of curiosity will help you remain calm and will enable an environment in which you and others can take steps forward together.

TACKLE TOUGH CHALLENGES – The environment of curiosity you create will allow you to clear your mind in order to take on the real issues that need your attention, getting you out of your primitive brain and into your rational brain.

ENRICH RELATIONSHIPS – When you are focused on the conversation that wants and needs to happen, outside of the confines of your amygdala, you will be able to engage with others in ways that let them know that you indeed are someone whom they can trust, that you are stable, and that you do have the leadership qualities they just might want to follow.

Unfortunately, following these simple steps is not always as easy as we would like. Indeed, there may be times in which you find yourself actually wanting to let off some steam and just yell, slam a door or bang on a desk. I too have found myself in those situations. And I often remind myself of the words of Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist and preeminent existentialist, from his book Man’s Search for Meaning. When asked about how he was able to survive the atrocities of the holocaust, Frankl offers one of the most powerful insights that may also serve you: “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing–your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

Whether it’s a horrific event like the holocaust or a brief conversation at work, our emotional wake impacts others. As I consider the many situations in which I might allow my amygdala to hijack my behaviors, I think about Frankl and I ask, what is the emotional wake I may leave behind? How might I manage my response and avoid the Amygdala Hijack?

I like to think that I have a responsibility to use my Response Ability.

How about you?

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Fierce Tip of the Week: Be Right Gracefully

I had a problem with wanting to flaunt being right in situations. I learned the lesson the hard way: This inclination was not serving me.

Learning to not do the “nanner-nanner told you so” dance every time I accurately predicted something was not easy. However, once I stopped, it allowed me to strengthen all relationships in my life.

It strengthened those relationships because nobody likes a know-it-all. Most importantly, though, I started paying more attention to my response, and it forced me to be a better listener.

Instead of taking the time to pat myself on the back for being right, I take the time to ask questions and learn from others why they feel differently. I really try to listen to their point of view and look at it as a learning opportunity for both of us.

This week I encourage you to join me in my practice to be right gracefully. Should you find yourself in the good fortune of making a right call this week, take the opportunity to not gloat and instead learn more about others’ perspectives.

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Friday Resource: A Psychologist Reveals the 7 Empathetic Traits that Exceptional Leaders Share

This week’s Friday resource comes from Entrepreneur and lists seven traits empathetic leaders have in common.

When empathy is present in the workplace, it has the potential to create higher amounts of understanding, clarity, and trust. Widely considered one of the most beneficial attributes a leader can possess, empathy gives leaders the ability to see and feel the experiences of other people, including the individuals who comprise their teams.

However, empathy can be considered an umbrella term—within it are several positive attributes that are widely shared among effective leaders.

So what all does empathy entail? Per psychologist, author, and speaker Sherrie Campbell, here are some of the traits great leaders share.

1. Self-awareness. “Great leaders are deeply knowledgeable about themselves and committed to their own personal development. To be great we must do the same. The most influential people on earth, those who have left the most significant impact, led from the heart. Empathy is not something we learn from a book. It is gained through suffering. From our suffering, we come to accept pain and challenge as integral parts of life, and totally necessary for great leadership. Think about it, would you want to follow a leader who had never suffered? How would this person know what to do, or how to lead us on the front lines if they’ve never been there before? To be great, we must know how to lead ourselves through our own fears in order to know how to lead others through theirs.”

2. Self-control. “Empathy is most easily sacrificed when we’re upset, angry or disappointed with another person. We tend to be the most hurtful and impatient in these situations. The important thing to try and practice is taking a moment to get clear before speaking. Great leaders tell others when a conversation will need to wait until they are clear enough to communicate responsibly. There is a wisdom to knowing that conversations can be placed on hold. We cannot be reactive and empathic in tandem. In taking some time, we are able to take in the feeling experience and perception of the other in a way that makes sense, or at least arouses questions that can be asked with empathy, rather than accusation. We get a lot further in business when we have enough empathy for the other to make sure and harness our own self-control before we speak.”

Read more traits and the full article here.

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Susan Scott’s Take on Results-Driven Conversation: An Interview by The Human Capital Institute

As part of the Nine to Thrive Podcast, HCI’s Holly Pennebaker spoke with our very own Susan Scott, Fierce Founder and CEO. In this podcast, Susan addresses the following questions:

• What has inspired you to revise Fierce Conversations?

• How would you describe barriers to communication? How would you recommend we overcome them?

• What is often missing in our conversations, and how does the book address that?

• What led you to make relationships such a central focus of the book?

Using colorful examples, Susan dives into the specific exchanges that reveal the state of problems and shares the way to overcome barriers to meaningful conversations. She touches on how our approach should help us overcome problems by saying what is real—in a way that will be heard and useful to organizations and their teams.

“Without relationship, we’ve got nothing.” – Susan Scott

Listen to the podcast here.

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Fierce Tip of the Week: Invite Negative Emotions

It is common to feel discomfort when dealing with other people’s emotions in the workplace. The old saying – leave your emotions at the door – can be a real invitation. I’m sure you know someone that you wish would take this advice more often.

The problem with that statement is that many leaders want some emotions…and don’t want others. Most leaders welcome a lot of laughing, smiling, cheering, and all the happy emotions. And yet, they would want to modify that statement to: Leave your negative emotions at the door. It is not always fun to deal with disappointment, anger, frustration, what would be considered negative emotions.

However, recent research has shown that negative thoughts and emotions play a critical role in helping us to understand our experiences. And hence, they fuel decision-making.

In today’s workplace, leaders who are not comfortable with negative emotions are typically less able to create movement and drive change. According to a piece from Fast Company, Why Emotionally Intelligent People Are More Successful, the Carnegie Institute of Technology carried out research that showed that 85% of our financial success was due to skills in “human engineering”, personality, and ability to communicate, negotiate, and lead. They found that only 15% was due to technical ability.

This week’s tip is to include emotions in your conversations – both positive and negative. When someone comes to you with a problem, ask them how they feel about it. The goal is to have a person own their feelings. Ask questions about them.

And if there are no emotions around the issue, that might signal bad news. Or at least the knowledge that there may not be significant movement made on the issue. 

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Friday Resource: Fostering the Sense of Belonging Promotes Success

This week’s Friday resource from Forbes discusses why belonging is important in the workplace and offers tips on how to create it.

Having a sense of belonging is essential in our work environment for not only success but also our well-being. Belonging leads us to feel more engaged, connected, and fulfilled.

To belong is to feel connected to the people we work with and to the work we do. John Baldoni, Forbes contributor, offers insights on how to generate this sense of belonging for employees.

1. Find purpose. “Work without purpose is work; work with purpose can be joy. When people know that what they do matters to others and how it is connected to what the organization gives meaning to labor. Purposeful work is work that encourages commitment.”

Read more tips and the full article here.

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Check Yourself: Business is About Relationships

In our daily routines, we might find ourselves getting lost at times in what is often referred to as “the grind.” Wake up. Go to work. Work hard. Achieve. In the process of doing what we do, we may have moments where we lose sight of why we’re doing it.

I recall a specific incident in a previous position that woke me up, so to speak, to what really matters. One day I was blasting through an extended list of tasks, which included sending out emails to a long list of clients. My boss was copied on the emails, and he gave me some great feedback: “It might be nice to add something in that’s more personal. Wish them a good day or something. You know, create some warm fuzzies. Clients like warm fuzzies.” And it’s true! Adding warmth to our “business interactions” strengthens relationships and brightens our experience of the moment. In my mind that day, all I was thinking about was checking tasks off my to-do list, but my boss’s feedback made me remember the real reason behind why these tasks are so valuable.

If you feel lost in the grind, check yourself. The heart of business is not about revenue. It’s not about deadlines. And it’s not about goals and whether we achieve them. Although all of these aspects are important in business, the only reason they’re important is because of the people they impact. The relationships that exist between everyone involved in the business are indeed the heart of the business. As Susan Scott wrote in Fierce Conversations, “Our most valuable currency is not money. Nor is it intelligence, attractiveness, fluency in three-letter acronyms, or the ability to write code or analyze a P&O statement. Our most valuable currency is relationship.”

Here’s another way to look at this idea. When we focus on relationships as the center of our efforts, we break into higher levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The grind is all about surviving physiologically. We pay the bills when we get stuff done. Focusing on relationships, however, moves us into the higher levels of belonging, esteem, and even self-actualization. It becomes about more than just surviving—we’re able to thrive and help others thrive in the process.

Everything we do each day, whether we consider it small or large, creates a ripple effect that impacts others. Every single one of us is endowed with an empowering level of freedom to make a positive impact and grow relationships, both inside and outside our organizations. And whether we succeed at doing so impacts the bottom line on which we so often place our focus. Stats from Marketing Wizdom reveal the average business loses around 20% of its customers annually by failing to attend to customer relationships.

It’s eye-opening to consider what we’re doing for the people we work with—and how our choices and interactions with them are changing their life for the better (or worse, depending on the intent behind our approach). Here are a few truths to remember and actively practice that can strengthen your relationships with your colleagues and clients:

The conversation is the relationship. Relationship building cannot occur without conversation. Some of these conversations can be challenging, like when they involve feedback or confrontation, and others are simpler and sentimental. Regardless, all conversations have the potential to strengthen connections by granting us permission to explore the thoughts and feelings of another person. The state of the relationship is defined by the quality of these exchanges.

There’s always time. Saying “I don’t have time to strengthen my relationships” is like saying “I don’t have time for what’s most important.” It’s incompatible. So take a moment—commit to finding ways to connect with those around you. Small acts of appreciation go a long way. Check out some ideas here.

Diving deeper will bring you closer. There’s nothing wrong with talking about the weather or the breakroom snacks, but these types of conversations will only get you so far in strengthening connections. To deepen connections, ask questions. If an opportunity arises, ask about the other person’s likes and dislikes, why they like or dislike these things, what their dreams are, how they feel about certain topics, and what matters to them. Listen actively, and be prepared to be nowhere else but here.

Right here, right now, check yourself. Connect with the people who offer a why behind what you do.

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