Sarafina Bianco's Blog, page 3

The trailer.

Yesterday I sent an email to all subscribers. My book trailer was attached. I posted it to Facebook this morning.

I’m assuming you stumbled here by mistake if you missed both of those announcements. Or maybe I’m wrong. Either way, I’m glad you’re here.

Plus, I’ve got you covered, gorgeous. Once you’ve watched, please feel free to tweet me using the hashtags #thehouseonsunset and #thosbook. Tell me what you think. The release is a little less than two weeks from now, and I’m thrilled to share as much with you as I can.

Here it comes.

Today’s the day. If you signed up to follow my blog (via email) you’ll be receiving a preview of my book trailer in your inbox in less than a few hours. The rest of you? You’ll be able to see it Wednesday (more on that when it’s time). Anyone who signed up will also be receiving the first section of my book, but I may wait to give it to you on Wednesday and make it available here on Friday. Guess what else is awesome? The House on Sunset is available for eBook pre-orders NOW. If you’re one of the first fifty people to pre-order or buy the book, I’m sending a little, personalized thank you along with your copy of #thosbook. Here’s how to lock it down: 1. Go here to buy. 2. Snap a picture of the receipt. 3. Tweet or post “I just pre-ordered #thehouseonsunset” on social media. 4. Email me the picture, titling your email “I pre-ordered” and sending me an address where I can send you your gift. You’ll get your stuff right around the release date. DO NOT miss out on this opportunity. It’s going to be an awesome, celebratory week here and I cannot wait to update you as we move along. Be sure to check back here often. This once a week thing? It’s great when BIG things aren’t happening, but it’s not cutting it now. LET’S DO THIS.

Searching for ghosts.

There was a time when I’d blog deep into the night, only to air the filth I was living in. The scent of regret was thick and sour, spoiled milk in my open wounds. The further away I’ve gotten from my nightmare the easier it is for me to play the part of marketer and diva, but I’ve lost words, I think.

I told someone as I started to heal how very much I feared losing the sting and shock and burn.

How do you get back the anger, when it’s left you alone inside your happiness?

Funny, isn’t it, how we want what we used to have? We find comfort in whatever’s usual, whatever we carved into our skin to scar us.

Settling into marriage means my sickness is almost dead. My sins purged. A different fear settles, one only to be tested by time. Maybe I’ll forget who I was before the smiles and dates and success. Maybe I won’t.

Don’t forget me, friends. Remind me you like medium rare steaks and don’t accept hors d’oeuvres. If I tell you I can’t find the darkness anymore tell me to search for my ghosts. Please. Because if I ever lose sight of the reasons I’ve made the choices I have, I’ve failed myself.

Amen.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVM...]

Here comes the countdown.

Three weeks away. Amazon is now allowing pre-orders so when I figure out how to set up my CreateSpace account to allow it, the people who are on my mailing list will be the first to know. And, if you pre-order, I’ll be sending you something extra, along with your copy of the memoir.

How can you find out more? If you’ve followed my blog, using your email address, I’ll be able to get a hold of you. In the next two weeks you’ll be receiving:

1: The first viewing of my book trailer. We’re in the cleaning/editing stages and I’m beyond thrilled with the work my marketers have done. It’s the first chance you’ll ever have to hear MY voice (although you’ve read it in my writing), and a glimpse at the mood I’ve set in The House on Sunset.

2: An opportunity to download the first chapter of my book (probably next week) before anyone else. 

3: Insider information you’re not going to get here (in the upcoming weeks). 

What are you waiting for? Sign up to ‘follow my blog’ in the right-hand column. Once you’ve have, I’ll get confirmation and you’ll be set.

BIG, new things are coming soon.

You won’t want to miss them.

The Best Part of my Life.

 

 

I laid in bed Thursday night, asking my now-husband if I should add a section to #thehouseonsunset.  Am I brave enough to allow myself the public humiliation associated with this piece of my story I’ve never shared? More than that, is he fully prepared to be questioned about how it makes him feel to know _______________ happened when he, my ex, lived in the house on Sunset?

“I want you to tell your story, Fina. I want you to tell every bit of it that’s going to allow you to feel better about it.” he said.

“I’ll probably never feel all of this go away,” I said.

“But it’s separate from you now. It doesn’t hold you the way it used to. You’re ready.”

He loves me, flaws and all, and he’s right, too. And it got me thinking about what it means to love someone so fully their blemishes are still lovable. When we started dating he would borrow me from my daily life, pulling me out of my own head and showing me the safety the world can offer. It was so foreign then, so vastly different from the last few years of my life, that I didn’t realize I could live in that world (alone or with someone) until he showed me.

That’s why we ended up with this picture.

He listened to what I said, the story I told him, and he didn’t flinch once. He’s proven he’s less-than-likely to squirm now.

On Friday, I went to a bachelorette party. The bride asked me to share with her our story, and I gushed all over the patio table, laughing and drinking and feeling as if I might be the most privileged human being on this planet. To have a man so eager to stand next to me through my healing journey was more than enough, but to have a man who now stands alongside me when I’m ready to share my darkest secrets with whoever wants to read them, well, I honestly don’t think I deserve him.

 

 

Yet he looks just as happy as me in our wedding photos. He laughed and smiled as often as me. Still, I’m not sure what my husband believes I’m worth. I wonder what he sees in me that I don’t: I’m just a girl, telling the truth about a life she didn’t choose, trying to live every day with purpose. I just want to smile through it all.

 

 

 

I’m so thankful to have found someone who understands my dreams and chases them with me, holding me steady when I try to back-peddle and lifting me up when I feel I’ve fallen short.

Release is less than one month away, and I have so many great things to celebrate.

Meet My Main Character (Blog tour)

Welcome to the Meet My Main Character Blog Tour, started by Debra Brown. I was invited into this event by Will Van Stone Jr, an awesome writer/artist/musician/friend-guy who I met on Twitter. You can meet his main character, Rylan, here.

I’m introducing you to myself. The girl I was when I lived in The House on Sunset. There’s still a part of me lingering behind curtains and hiding wounds. That world belongs to my main character. Without it, I wouldn’t have this story.

What is the name of your character? Is he real of fictional? 

Sarafina Bianco is real.  More than that, she’s every bit of me through my twenties: broken and lost, scared yet hopeful. Unapologetic in her choices and dangerous in her convictions.

When and where is the story set?

Where: Missouri.
When: 2007 – 2009, when I fell victim to, and then survived, domestic violence.

What should we know about him? 
My friends call me Fina.

A hopeless romantic and typical twenty-something, I had dreams to chase and lives to change. I believed putting good into the world meant I would be given the same in return. The universe repays you ten-fold for what you put out. So when I met Mike, a wealthy, well-established businessman, I thought the universe was sending me exactly who I deserved.

That’s why I stayed when he beat me. It’s why I believed it must be my fault.


What is the main conflict for him during the story?

A sociopath. He was success. He was a good dad, a helpful son and amazing boyfriend. He was everything I needed in my life, until I let him in.

What is the personal goal of the character?

To survive.

Is there a working title for this novel, and can we read more about it? 

The House on Sunset  is in the archive of this blog and my old site, and I will post more about it here over the next few weeks.
When can we expect the book to be published?
September 8th, 2014.

Who’s next? 

I’m passing the baton on to my friends Ellen Harger (@ellenharger) and Clare Davidson (@claremdavidson). Ellen is another Missourian who lives in my college town. She’s recently released her second amazing, real-to-life novel about an anonymous blog (right?).  Clare and I are both former English teachers and we took Write Raw together last summer. Her dedication is admirable, and I’m thankful to have her around as motivation.  She’s written quite a lot, and I dare not try to limit her in who she chooses to respond with.

These fabulous folks will be sharing their “Meet My Main Character” posts next week! when/if they accept the challenge.

Chaos.

Between getting ready for the launch of #thehouseonsunset, settling into life as a wife, and writing a weekly column over at The Good Men Project, I feel like I’m teaching and coaching again. In some ways the new job is just like the old: it takes a lot of passion and even more time. Still, I can’t help but feel the rewards of these positions far more than I did in a classroom.

I’m reaching a bigger audience.

I will never, ever have to answer to a higher up who doesn’t understand my mission or goals.

I will never, ever be surrounded by people who are anything other than supportive of my dreams.

And I’m working from home, drinking coffee at 9:43 a.m., typing in my pajamas.

The school year picks  back  up in two weeks. Some of my former coworkers are posting about the drag of it all. Suddenly, in the midst of my own busy schedule, I’m realizing chaos is easier to handle when you’re doing what’s best for you. And that’s the best kind of freedom a girl could want.

Happiness looks good when you wear it. I see it a lot on others, friends and family who live with their ghosts, but hadn’t on myself.

Not until this summer.

 

It’s time. (#thehouseonsunset)

I’m weeks away from sharing more of my nightmare than ever before.

I ran a cover art contest on 99Designs, even asking my Facebook followers to join in and cast votes on which design they wanted to see on The House On Sunset. I LOVED the passion from people who have followed me from the start and my newest followers.  I started a marketing campaign with A Freaking Great Company last week. We’re working on a few things, including a book trailer. And we set a release date. Yep.

What does this mean for you?

Be on the lookout for a September 8th release. The official hold-it-in-your-hands-and-read-it date. But, before you set a phone alarm for then, know we’ll be doing pre-order perks sometime late next month.

Keep track of all the shenanigans in three easy steps:

1. Subscribe to the blog (in right sidebar you’ll see a link). Look ———–>

2. Like my Facebook fan page. It’s launch headquarters. Updates via picture and video will be there FIRST.

3. Search for – and use – the hash tag (#thehouseonsunset).

I’m putting myself out there even more, hoping I’ll reach further than I have, so we can  reach as  many survivors as possible. It’s time our voices come together and we take a stand. There is life after abuse. It’s time we start telling  the women who need to hear it most.

Enough is enough. Pictures of abuse? Keep them out of the media.

I was recently contacted by a magazine on my Facebook fan page, asking if they could do a write-up on my story. I, obviously, said they could because, if you’ve been following my story for any length of time, you know I feel very adamant about building an army against domestic violence. DV needs to stop. It’s an equalizer, able to reach into every demographic. But, most importantly, it’s survivable.

There is life after abuse.

The person who contacted me asked for a picture, so I sent her this:

 

It’s my usual image for the site and any promotion I do. It’s me, nearly eight years ago, in a semi-serious photo shoot with my best friends (who, at the time, wanted to take up photography). I took these in January, a few weeks after my 24th birthday. And, if you know my story, you know just 11 months later I met my abuser and stayed with him for two years before leaving him on July 27th, 2009.

A year after leaving, I started my blog. It was a way to deal with the repercussions of leaving my abuser. I never realized how hard the aftermath would be.  Then, a year after that, I began intense trauma therapy for physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial abuses. This photo became my calling card. It was symbolic of where I was with him, and after him. I was lonely and insecure and unhappy.

It was dark, so was I.

As this journey moved forward and I got the help I needed, my voice reached further. But I’ve never given out a picture of my entire face or of any bruises. So when the person doing the write-up asked me for additional pictures, well, it non-violently struck me.

Why haven’t I given out pictures of my abuse?

****

I haven’t because abuse is more than bruises. It’s more than black eyes and fractured noses and swollen upper lips.

Every time I see a picture of a woman in the media who steps forward to display what her abuse ‘looked like’ I know it doesn’t display what it felt like.

Battered pictures don’t show you PTSD.

They don’t show trauma.

They don’t show emptiness, fear or alienation.

And they don’t show the strangling thoughts that murder logic.

Survivors are more than their injuries, and they don’t deserve to be treated as a media campaign in the midst of their nightmare. But they don’t necessarily see it that way. Yet.

And all the media shows is bruises.

It’s time they’re held accountable for the behavior. We are more than our injuries. We felt more then and we still do now. The media’s current, trending contribution to the cause is dangerous,  a terrible beginning to a new chapter in the lives of women who survive monsters.  As a dear friend of mine and another survivor said it,

Those pictures show something that can heal. The aftermath of abuse will never completely disappear in the way that bruises do.

These pictures make me feel unsafe, even after three years of therapy. They remind me of the darkest places in my heart, the places that never truly die after abuse. I’ve learned to live with them, to accept and understand why they are with me, and I’ve learned to appreciate the way my body and mind try to protect me from entering unsafe situations.

Still, I’m not mad at the women. They’re doing what they feel is best,  just as I am here. If I came across their blog or social media page and these images were on them (read: they posted them on their own page, not in an online magazine),  I would probably stand alongside them, reminding them they are not alone in their recovery. Sure, it’s not my thing, but who am I to judge an actual survivor experiencing a different stage in their recovery?

If you would have asked me two days after I left him if I knew how bad it was going to get for me, I would have said yes. But I was wrong. I would have given the pictures, too, believing the worst was over. Is it brave? Absolutely. Of the survivor. I think it’s the best they can do in the moment they choose to post them, even though it might be harmful later (when you’re traumatized you can’t see the future). The media, on the other hand, victimized these women, making money and earning readership with shocking images. And then they leave the woman to heal on her own, the images they used a constant reminder of the battle. Because, if the abused person later regretted putting up the images, he/she could erase them and never look back. But she can’t erase Huff Post or Jezebel or Yahoo.

What do these images show people who don’t know abuse like those who have witnessed it? Nothing. They know nothing more than they did before they saw the picture. They don’t realize emotional abuse can be the hardest part to get over. That brainwashing is a thing. And it can be done over months without realizing it, until it’s too late. Or that financial abuse can change the course of someone’s life. One minute a homeowner, the next homeless.

Who is more impacted by these images?

Is it the women, men and children who have survived abuse, or the society who refuses to acknowledge much more than the bruises?

#wewillbeheard

****

I’ve shared these campaigns on my Facebook page. Some even in recent months.  So as I wrote this post, I went back through my timeline and erased as many as I could, apologizing to the sky for sharing the women I posted. I contributed before I had time to process my own feelings about the campaigns, but I won’t do it again and I’m sorry I did.

The magazine in question apologized for their question, stating they did not want pictures of abuse. They were hoping for other images of me, like the one above. After reading my explanation of why I don’t hand out more pictures (except those I’ve posted here or on social media) they totally understood and continued working on my write up.