The Best Part of my Life.
I laid in bed Thursday night, asking my now-husband if I should add a section to #thehouseonsunset. Am I brave enough to allow myself the public humiliation associated with this piece of my story I’ve never shared? More than that, is he fully prepared to be questioned about how it makes him feel to know _______________ happened when he, my ex, lived in the house on Sunset?
“I want you to tell your story, Fina. I want you to tell every bit of it that’s going to allow you to feel better about it.” he said.
“I’ll probably never feel all of this go away,” I said.
“But it’s separate from you now. It doesn’t hold you the way it used to. You’re ready.”
He loves me, flaws and all, and he’s right, too. And it got me thinking about what it means to love someone so fully their blemishes are still lovable. When we started dating he would borrow me from my daily life, pulling me out of my own head and showing me the safety the world can offer. It was so foreign then, so vastly different from the last few years of my life, that I didn’t realize I could live in that world (alone or with someone) until he showed me.
That’s why we ended up with this picture.
He listened to what I said, the story I told him, and he didn’t flinch once. He’s proven he’s less-than-likely to squirm now.
On Friday, I went to a bachelorette party. The bride asked me to share with her our story, and I gushed all over the patio table, laughing and drinking and feeling as if I might be the most privileged human being on this planet. To have a man so eager to stand next to me through my healing journey was more than enough, but to have a man who now stands alongside me when I’m ready to share my darkest secrets with whoever wants to read them, well, I honestly don’t think I deserve him.
Yet he looks just as happy as me in our wedding photos. He laughed and smiled as often as me. Still, I’m not sure what my husband believes I’m worth. I wonder what he sees in me that I don’t: I’m just a girl, telling the truth about a life she didn’t choose, trying to live every day with purpose. I just want to smile through it all.
I’m so thankful to have found someone who understands my dreams and chases them with me, holding me steady when I try to back-peddle and lifting me up when I feel I’ve fallen short.
Release is less than one month away, and I have so many great things to celebrate.
