Bruce Petillo's Blog

10 Things I am Thankful for on My 44th Birthday

1. Faith in a loving God who is far greater than our human minds can comprehend or try to define.

2, My soul-mate, Claire, who has simply been the love of my life.

3. My first-born, Alexa, who stole my heart with her first breath and has had it ever since.

4. My first-born son, Bruce James, who teaches me everyday how to love and embrace life.

5. My youngest son, Christian, whose inquisitive nature reminds me to discover new things in life everyday.

6. My parents, Bruce and Kandy, whose love and support helped mold me into the person I am today.

7. My family and friends who have always been there, enduring the darkness and celebrating the light.

8. The courage to have started the Fans Across America Charitable Foundation and the amazing people, especially my dear friend George, who help us deliver on our mission to assist families in need.

9. The challenges and pain in life that have helped me see people and the world through more empathetic eyes.

10. Every sunrise for the hope it brings and each sunset that allows me to pause and give thanks for the blessings in my life.

Chapter 1: Shuffle Up and Deal

At thirty-six you take life for granted. Not like you did when you were eighteen and felt indestructible, believing you could do just about anything you dared to dream. No, in your mid-thirties you have the world in the palm of your hand and don’t even know it. For many of us, we have wives and children, who might seem like “the old ball and chain” from time to time, but they often give us the courage and strength we need to be the men we’re supposed to be.

Ask yourself how often you are trying to recapture the “magic” of eighteen. You go out with the “boys” and drink too much. You escape the responsibilities of life whenever you can and spend hours on end at the golf course or sports bar. Then, you go drop dollar bills in the G-string of a twenty-two-year old stripper who makes you feel like you were eighteen again, living life without a care in the world.

What happens to us between eighteen and thirty-six? Half our life is spent reaching for eighteen, living and acting one way, being told to chase our dreams. Then the world expects us to change and conform to its norms,  giving up  on  dreams to  become a responsible contributor  to society. We spend those first eighteen years longing to be somebody; a rock star, or a major league baseball player, or a surgeon, only to wake up one morning between eighteen and thirty-six to find ourselves in a “job” that we really have no desire to be in. It puts food on the table, pays the mortgage, and with the few bucks you have left over each month, your kid can take karate lessons or play on a traveling soccer team.

The responsibility bug has you tied down with no time to fulfill the dreams you once held close to your heart, or even to find new dreams that will pour life into your soul. Then you see the guy without responsibility. The thirty-six year old “Peter Pan” who never got married, drives the Porche, lives in the penthouse bachelor pad and is dating the twenty-two year-old stripper in whose G-string you stuff dollar bills.

You think to yourself, hey, I’m only thirty-six, and in about ten years, as the kids go off to college, I’ll have time to chase my dreams again. If I just hold on a bit longer, I’ll have my chance. At thirty-six, you still believe you have time to turn it around, to take that dream buried deep in your soul and make it a reality. But then you turn around and see life passing you by without a care in the world for what you really want. Now, each passing day sets faster than the one before, and you find that saying, “I’ll wait ‘til tomorrow” turns into six months, and then a year, and then you look up and realize that you still haven’t taken a step towards your dream and only let time pass you by.

So there I sat, playing poker, at the same familiar table with three of the best friends I ever had. This was our tradition; get together and play poker just like we had for the last eighteen years. It was our pact coming out of high school, as we were all preparing to go our separate ways, to ensure that we always took the time to be together, even if it was just once in a while. After all, I don’t believe you have any closer friends in life than those with whom you come of age.

But on this night, I couldn’t help but gaze at the empty chair that stared me down from across the table. Up until four months  ago, that chair was warmed each poker night by Nate Moore, my best friend in the entire world. On the eve of his funeral, I, Bill Rodgers,  couldn’t help but wonder, why? Why did my best friend have to die? Why did he have to suffer so horribly through such an aggressive cancer and the barbaric treatments the medical profession used to try and save his life? Why will Nate’s wife and four children be left to live a life without the man who was the center of their world, the rock from which they gained so much strength? Is this really part of God’s plan? And if so, why does He allow us to suffer like this?

Nate wasn’t like most of us. He seemed to make all the right decisions. Was his life perfect? Not at all. But he lived his life better than most. We came of age together at a point in our lives when we barely had any cares in the world. We shared some of the most defining moments of our lives. Yet there we found ourselves, preparing to bury the man we knew as boys.

As I looked around the table, I saw Dan, Joe, and Tom; the remnants of our poker group. Overall, they were good guys, but none of them were men the way Nate was, and neither was I, for that matter. With all of our flaws and weaknesses, Nate’s death gave each of us a moment in time to pause and take measure of our lives. We asked questions like, who are we? Where have we been? Where are we going? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I the man at thirty-six I thought I’d  be when I was eighteen? And quite frankly, I don’t  think any of us were really pleased with what we discovered.

 *  *  *

Bill sat holding a pair of aces in the hole with another ace revealed on the flop. He held the best cards, yet like so often in his life, he was hesitant to make a move.

The bet moved to Dan, who held three threes – two underneath and the other on the table. Dan looked Bill square in the eyes and gave him a wily smirk. Dan Johnson was what modern American society would call a “winner.” He was an extremely handsome, smooth talking salesman who had never been married. Classic sports cars and long-legged model-types were the trophies he held dear. To the outside world, Dan was the image of success.

But Dan’s demons laid just beneath the surface, and it took everything he had to keep them at bay and prevent the rest of the world from seeing what he had learned to keep from sight.

“I’m in for five,” Dan said confidently.

Bill rarely beat Dan at anything. Poker. Golf. Monopoly. You name it and Dan had probably wiped the floor with Bill’s pride, even though Bill often held the better cards. He allowed Dan to bluff and beat him time and time again. Bill’s life was about not wanting to lose what he had. He tended to play it safe, never reaching too far for what might lie ahead. In the end, Bill ended up right where he started, no better or worse, just wishing he had once again taken a chance.

“I’m out,” said Joe Melendez, as he quietly folded his cards.

Coming out of high school, Joe was the guy going places. He was a second round draft pick of the New York Yankees and was on the fast track to the “House that Ruth Built.” That was, until the fast track lifestyle he was living finally caught up to him.

After a wild night of booze, Joe decided to hop on his motorcycle around 3:00 AM and see if he could take flight. Joe didn’t remember much about the crash. What he did remember was pain, a helicopter, and seeing a bright light.

After nearly losing his life and his right leg, Joe’s express ticket to the big leagues had been rescinded and his baseball career was over. The can’t miss kid, whose dream had been laid out for him by his father since he was five, had to learn to live life all over again, the life most of us live.

In typical fashion, Bill was more interested in the other players’ hands. He took a quick glance around the table to see if there was anything he could pick up from the movements and behaviors of the others.

“I’ll call,” said Tom McKinley, who was recently divorced. He was the father of a beautiful and precocious four-year-old little girl named Tabitha. His ex-wife, Tori, left him for her boss, believing he could provide her with more of the financial trappings she so desperately wanted in life. Tom’s shyness held him back throughout  much of his life, and if not for Dan’s coattails, there’s  no telling how far down the rungs of life’s  ladder Tom might have resided.

The bet moved to Bill, who took a final review of the cards on the table: ace of diamonds, five of spades, three of clubs. He then looked up at Dan, trying to ascertain what his long-time friend and rival held. Even if Dan had the final ace and either a five or three, that’s only two pair. And if Dan had a two and four, his straight would have lost to three aces. If he bet aggressively, he could’ve gotten Dan and Tom to fold right there and steal the pot for himself. He could have limped in, baited the other two along a bit more, and have won an even bigger pot.

“I call,” Bill said hesitantly, trying to show he wasn’t totally committed to his cards.

Joe, who had dealt the hand, said, “The pot is right,” buried the top card and flipped the turn card to reveal a three of diamonds . A pair of threes was on the table.

Dan wasted very little time before pushing all of his chips into play as he confidently called, “All in.”

Bill looked and wondered, what is Dan doing? Is he bluffing? Does he have another  three underneath? Maybe two more threes, which would give him four. And that would beat the full-house of aces and threes he’s now sitting on.

“I’m out,” Tom muttered as he tossed his cards on the discard pile. It was up to Bill. Does he go all in? Does he play it safe and fold?

Bill tried to get a read on Dan from his facial expression or body language, but in typical Dan style, he just gave Bill his patented smirk.

“What are you gonna do?” Dan asked. “We don’t have all night.”

Eying Dan’s slightly larger stack of chips, Bill asked, “How much is he all in for?”

Joe quickly counted Dan’s stack and replied, “$121.”

Bill took one more look at his hole cards and then counted his chips to find $108. With that, Bill took a deep breath and said, “All in.”

“Yes,” Dan exclaimed as he flipped over pocket threes to reveal four-of- a-kind.

“Un-fucking believable,”  Bill said under his breath as he flipped his pocket aces and revealed his full house.

Joe and Tom cheered and moaned as they watch their friends run through the range of emotions.

“There’s  still one more card, and if it’s  an ace, then  Bill wins,” Joe explained.

“Let’s see it,” said Dan.

“Got nothing else to lose. Come on ace. Come on baby,” Bill pleaded. Joe buried the top card and flipped the river card, revealing an eight of hearts.

“Whoo-hoo,” Dan yelled as he reached in to claim his winnings. “Fuck yeah! Who’s your daddy!”

“I lost on a full-house with three aces. Un-frickin’ believable,”  Bill said as he shook his head.

“Wow! That’s just bad luck, man,” Joe said to Bill. “I tell you what, if you didn’t have bad luck, you wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

“On that note,” Bill said as he stood up from the table and downed the half-beer he had left, “I think it’s time for a break.”

“Let’s all take one. I could use a cigarette right about now,” Tom chimed in.

“To hell with the cigarette, I’ve got Cubans for us to enjoy,” Dan replied. “Very nice my friend. Where’d you get those bad boys?” Tom asked.

“I have a client who gets me a box from time to time. And with everything that has happened recently, I thought tonight was as good a time as any to light ‘em up.”

“Let’s take it out on the patio,” Joe suggested as he walked over to the bar. “Who needs a cocktail?”

“I do,” Bill replied, as did Dan and Tom. “Jack and Coke?” asked Joe.

“Make mine a double,” Dan said.

“Make ‘em  all doubles,” added Bill. “God knows we can use it right now.”

“Great. Go outside and get the Cubans ready while I mix these up,” Joe responded.

Dan, Tom, and Bill walked through the patio door into the backyard and took a seat around the fire pit. Bill leaned over to turn on the gas and tossed a match into the pit, lighting an instant fire.

It was a warm August night in Southern California, and the sky that could be seen through the backyard trees was aglow with a full moon and blanket of stars. Off in the distance, you could hear the subtle sound of traffic and the occasional whistle blowing from a train.

As Dan pulled the Cuban cigars out of his bag, Joe came out and passed around  the Jack and Cokes to everyone. As Joe sat down, Dan passed around the Cubans along with the cutter to slice off the tip.

Silence engulfed them as they lit the cigars and drank their cocktails. For eighteen years, they always knew what to talk about. That night, as they prepared to bury Nate, no one wanted to speak, for speaking would have made his death a reality and call into question their own mortality.

After a few moments, Tom quietly broke the silence, “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

“This fuckin’ blows,” Dan blurted out. “Thirty-six years old and Nate gets fuckin’ cancer. Why the hell did it have to be him?”

“I keep hearing Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” play over and over in  my  head,” said Bill. “Nate had  it  all. An  amazing wife, four wonderful kids. What the hell are they going to do without him?”

“They’ll find a way. One way or another they’ll find a way,” replied Joe. “And they need to know that we are always there for them, to help, to do whatever they need.”

They all agreed.

“But I keep asking why Nate and not one of us? Or why didn’t it happen to the child molester rotting in prison, or the selfish son-of-a-bitch who abandons his wife and kids?” asked Bill. “What’s God’s purpose in all of this?”

“There is no purpose,” Dan responded. “That’s the cruel reality of life. We’re alone out here. God or no God, we are alone.”

“How can you say that?” asked Bill.

“Easy, I’ve been alone most of my life, and everything I have is because of me,” Dan answered. “The purpose in life is to get as much as you can from it before it decides to take you out. Nate had what he wanted in life and was happy. He made choices based on what he wanted in life. He wanted the wife, the kids, everything he had. And he appreciated that. But like I said, life has a way of taking you out, and if you haven’t lived, that’s too bad. Either way, God has nothing to do with it.”

“Nate was one of the best, most well-grounded people any of us have ever known. And he most definitely believed in God and His purpose. We can all be certain that tonight Nate is in a far better place that this,” said Bill.

“Amen, brother,” Joe and Tom chimed in.

Dan took a slow drink of his Jack and Coke and then a long pull on his Cuban. “Believe what you want, but as far as I’m concerned, when this life is over, that’s it. There ain’t no pearly gates and there sure as shit isn’t a St. Peter there to check you into your heavenly suite. It’s  pure randomness that brought us here and pure randomness that takes us away. Some of us are lucky, others are not. Good, bad, or indifferent, it was pure randomness that gave Nate his cancer, and it will be pure randomness that takes all of us out some day.”

“Alright, enough of this bullshit. Let’s save the philosophical discussions for another day. Tonight we honor our fallen brother, Nate,” Joe said as he raised his glass. The others raised theirs as the fire illuminated each of them, revealing several eyes moist with tears. “He, by all accounts, was a better man than any of us could ever hope to be. To Nate!”

“To Nate,” they echoed, and lifted their glasses higher.

“As we were sitting in their playing cards, I kept expecting to see Nate show up. With every noise I heard, I expected him to come walking into the room with that big shit eating grin of his, ready to take all of our money,” said Tom.

“He did have a shit eating grin didn’t he,” Dan replied as they all shared a moment of laughter. “I’m going to miss the way he’d just smile at you when you were playing cards or basketball. You’d think he was oblivious to the world around him, then he’d just give you that look as he flopped over aces or drained a three. He just never seemed to worry about a whole hell of a lot.”

“The only time  I ever saw life get to  him  was when he was first diagnosed and he told me about the cancer. He was totally shocked that it was happening to him. Melissa and the kids didn’t know yet, and he kept talking about how he didn’t want his kids to grow up without him. I promised him that no matter what happened, we would be there for him and his family, especially his kids. I propose a toast,” said Bill as he raised his glass. The others lifted their glasses in the air and looked at Bill. “To always being there for Nate’s kids and never letting them forget who their dad was or how much he loved them. Salud!”

“Salud!”  the others cheered as they took another drink. But none of them could get their minds off of the funeral the following day, when what had seemed like a bad dream would become a cruel reality.

Read Chapter 2: The Calm Before the Storm 
Read the complete version of “Eighteen to Thirty-Six” on Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Chapter 2: The Calm Before the Storm

The sunlight slipped through the window and Bill rolled over in bed and  glanced at  his wife, Cassie. With  the  first glimpse of a beautiful morning, Bill couldn’t  believe his best friend would be buried later that day.

He silently wondered how life had gotten to that point, when just a few short months before; they had an entire lifetime ahead of them. As he laid in bed, he thought of his own mortality, and realized that it would only be a matter of time before he met the same fate as Nate.

Cassie reached over, gently laid her arm across his chest, and asked, “How are you holding up?”

“I’ve definitely had better days to look forward to,” he replied.

“I know. I can’t even imagine what Melissa must be going through right now. Promise you won’t leave me until we’re old and gray,” she asked him hopefully.

“I’ll try. But do you think Nate ever actually thought he’d be dead at thirty-six? We all think of dying once in a while, but it’s always far off in some distant future. We never think that it could be today instead of tomorrow.”

“We can’t predict the future. But we can control this moment, here and now,” replied Cassie.

“Can we?” he responded.

“I have control of this,” she said as she leaned over and softly kissed him on the lips.

“God I love you, do you know that? Do you really know how much I love you?” he whispered.

“I’ve never doubted it,” she answered.

Bill pulled Cassie closer to him and kissed her again.

 *  *  *

Dan sat quietly in the living room of his penthouse apartment, while he slowly drank his coffee. Dan thought of the times that he and Nate shared over the years, wondering where time had gone. He looked around his stylish apartment and thought how nice everything was, but couldn’t get past the fact that something was missing. He started to fixate on the things he didn’t have.

Dan thought about his relationship history; the loves he had lost, the marriage he almost had. At that time, he still had things in his life that he wanted to accomplish, and a wife and kids would have only held him back from  accomplishing all that  he  had  planned.  He  could  have been  a husband and dad, but he had other dreams to chase and catch before he could play catch in the backyard of some suburban utopia.

He had his friends, but at that point in their lives, most of them were married and had families of their own.

Dan had a few women that he saw fairly regularly, but they were all about ten years younger and looking for a good time, which he was more than willing to provide. They would go out on the town, hit the clubs and then go back to his place for a night of hedonistic pleasure.

Before Nate was diagnosed with cancer, that was enough for Dan. He didn’t want commitment. He didn’t want a ball and chain hanging around his ankle, telling him what he could and couldn’t do. It was his life and he was going to get all of the pleasure he could out of it, and it didn’t matter what it cost him.

Dan watched his parents fight and stay married for years in an abusive and  loveless marriage  “for  the  kids.” But  in  the end, everyone was miserable.

In  high school, Dan  seriously dated  Shannon, a beautiful blonde cheerleader, and he thought he really loved her. Then on his eighteenth birthday, his father took him outside, opened a couple of beers, and shared his “wisdom” with him.

“Dan, you’re a man now. The country says you can go die on foreign soil and vote for the president, but you can’t have a fuckin’ drink. Well fuck that,” he said as he passed one of the beers into Dan’s hand. “Life doesn’t give a shit about you, son. It will kick you when you’re down and piss on you when you try to get up. Look at me. Do I look happy to you? I’m tired, and all I can think about these days is what could have been different if I’d understood that lesson earlier in life. You need to take life by the balls and never let go. This is your life, and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. You need to do whatever it takes to be successful and not let yourself get dragged down by some girlie. Women will suck the life right out of you. They’re all fun and shit until you get married, then they change into the old ball and chain, holding you back from being the man you’re supposed to become. Your mother has ruined more dreams for me than I could ever share with you.”

“Why didn’t you just do what you wanted to do anyway?” Dan asked.

“Because you can’t. Life won’t let you. Society won’t let you. Women won’t let you. Eve got Adam to bite that damn apple and we’ve been paying for it ever since. I bit the apple, son, and I’ve been paying for it ever since. Dan, promise me you won’t bite that damn apple, no matter what.”

But eighteen years later, as Dan’s  father’s  words echoed through his head, he looked at his empty house and thought of the life Nate had. The loving wife. Great kids. Happiness. He never knew anyone happier than Nate, and he never felt more miserable in his entire life than he did in that moment, sitting alone in his father’s dream.

*  *  *

Joe waited impatiently at Starbucks for his venti latte to be called by the server behind the counter. The black Armani suit he had on matched the worn years of his life. After his name was called, he collected his latte and limped to a nearby table and sat down.

Joe was a functioning alcoholic, and no one he worked with truly knew what he did away from the office. He chased a dream that was out of reach for most and came within inches of catching it. Yet his own cockiness, which helped make him such a great player, was also what cost him his career, as well as his life.

After the crash, Joe passed the time with a job he could tolerate and booze to numb the pain. His wife Jill left him about four years after his career ended. He thought it was because of the money, but in reality, it had more to do with his drinking. The last words she said to him as she walked out of their home haunted him to that day: “I can’t stay with a man who loves the bottle more than me. I hope you find peace someday.”

With all that happened, Joe had found peace to be elusive and didn’t know what to do with his life. In the wee hours of the morning, as the alcohol penetrated  deep into  his soul, he stared down the barrel of a loaded gun more than once; ready to end his misery once and for all.

But each time, for a reason he couldn’t  quite put his finger on, his tortured soul fought back, telling him that there is hope and life yet to be found.

The sobering realization of Nate’s death had him rethinking what he had done, and what he had failed to do.

For three months  he watched Nate fight every day for his life. Joe wanted desperately to know that type of resolve so he could somehow move past his demons.

As he took a sip of his latte, Joe wondered what made Nate fight so hard,  when he so often just wanted to  give up. And the anxiety that haunted him once again began to rise.

*  *  *

In a small, one bedroom apartment, Tom McKinley sat and stared at a picture of his four-year-old daughter, Tabitha. While tears welled up in his eyes, he couldn’t help but think about what her life would be like without him, the fate that Nate’s children faced that day. And yet he knew, in a way, she would be going on without him.

The ink had been dry on the divorce papers for about a month, and he agreed to joint custody to try and keep Tabitha’s life as normal as possible through the mess caused by her parents.

But the loss he felt that day was sometimes more than he could bear. First, Tori filed for divorce so she could be with her boss and lover.

Then he had to share his daughter with the man who had taken so much of his life away. And now, he prepared to bury one of his best friends. “Why does life have to be so cruel,” he asked himself. “What have I ever done to deserve so much misery?”

All Tom wanted to do was be a good husband and father, and he was. He was always home on time for dinner and spent quality time with Tori and Tabitha. As a result, his career took a back seat, never getting the promotion or big raise because it was more important for him to be with his family, and that was alright.

And for a while, it was alright for Tori as well. But then friends of theirs started collecting more of life’s trappings. Bigger houses, luxury cars, designer clothes, and she started to want more of those things. Tom tried for a while, but the credit card was maxed out and the new car payment was weighing them down, drowning them in a sea of debt.

As a result of the debt, Tom took a second job to help make ends meet. It was at that time that Tori’s boss, Paul, started taking an interest in her, and she didn’t even stop to think before she jumped into bed with him.

Tom reached over and grabbed his ringing cell phone. “Hello,” he answered.

It was Tori on the other end of the call. “Tom, you’re a week late with the child support,” she answered.

“Tori, don’t start that shit today. Not today for God’s sake,” he replied.

“Is today Nate’s funeral?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“I’m sorry, Tom. I really am. I forgot. Please send my condolences to Melissa.”

“I will. Let me talk to Tabitha. I really need to hear her voice right now.”

“Sure, let me get her.”

Tom sat shaking his head, waiting for Tabitha to get on the phone. “Hi daddy,” Tabitha exclaimed as she gets on the phone.

“How’s my princess?” Tom asked excitedly. “I’m ok daddy, but I miss you.”

“I miss you too, sweetheart.” He replied as a tear rolled down his cheek. “But I’ll see you in a couple of days, and we’ll do a bunch of stuff together.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“Well, we’ll have a tea party, and go to the movies, and play Candyland. Sound good?”

“Sounds good, daddy. I love you.”

“I love you too, Tabitha. I love you too. Bye.”

Tabitha said goodbye and handed the phone back to Tori. “Take care of yourself,” she told Tom.

“I will. Give Tabitha a kiss for me, will ya?” “I will. Goodbye, Tom.”

“Goodbye,” he said and hung up the phone. Tom laid back on the couch, put his hands over his face and cried.

Read Chapter 3: Time to Say Goodbye
Read the complete version of “Eighteen to Thirty-Six” on Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Chapter 3: Time to Say Goodbye

W h a t happens when you die? Are you magically transported through a tunnel of bright light and taken to the Promised Land? The land of peace, joy, and happiness. Is St. Peter standing at the “pearly gates” to review your life and tell you what you have done, both good and bad, right and wrong?

D o you come face to face with your creator, who, with the wave of a hand, welcomes you to his kingdom or banishes you to hell’s  fire for all eternity?

D o your sins and transgressions of this life follow you to the grave and beyond, or does it just end?

I s there a heaven? Is there a hell? Or, do we just cease to exist, a microscopic footnote in the history of mankind?

Wh a t if this truly is all there is? For what would we actually be living? To what purpose would any of this mean? Life would be as futile as a hummingbird trying to fly into a hurricane. In the end, it just wouldn’t matter, the end would come and life would go on, with no one ever knowing what the hummingbird tried to do.

 *  *  *

As they sat in the pews at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church, colorful beams of light descended on  the  congregation of mourners  from  the stained glass murals that resided above. Staring up at the larger than life crucifix that hung ominously above the lifeless body of Nate and his casket, Bill couldn’t  help but wonder where Nate was at that exact moment in time. “Is he here, in the church, watching us suffer over his death and our loss?” Bill wondered. “Is he in heaven, purgatory, or even hell, paying for the sins God never forgave? Is he just gone?.”

Looking at his soulless body, lying motionless in the mahogany casket with make-up caked on to make him presentable, Bill knew for certain that Nate’s spirit was no longer in that shell. He is gone from this world forever, and it was time for Bill to take it on faith and the words of Father Bob that Nate was now in a better place.

Across the aisle Bill glanced at Nate’s  widow Melissa, their children, seventeen-year-old Nate Jr., thirteen-year-old Elizabeth, seven-year-old Savannah, and three-year-old Taylor, and the family he left behind. “Is this some sort of cruel joke?” Bill asked himself. “Come on Nate, walk in and tell us this  has been part of some ridiculous TV reality show and that you had to convince all of us that you were dead so that you could win a million dollars. Please don’t  be gone. For God’s sake, what kind of God allows us to suffer like this?”

Then, he looked up at the crucifix, nails piercing the flesh, the hands and feet of Jesus. There, Bill saw God himself suffering, much like the suffering Nate endured in the final weeks of his battle to live here on earth.

Bill reached over and clasped Cassie’s hand, and she leaned in, hugged his arm and softly whispered, “I love you.”

Bill closed his eyes and thought of those words. He clung to them as though they were a gift. He gingerly leaned over to her and said, “I love you, too. I really needed to hear those words right now.”

She looked at him a bit puzzled, and he added, “I’ll explain later,” as he gently smiled at her and lovingly squeezed her hand.

The little glimpse of love during such a dark moment  of their lives brought a glimmer of hope back into a moment where Bill could see none. Through a small, simple gesture, Cassie, as she had done so often in their life together, brought clarity to a moment when he was having a hard time seeing.

Under the shadow of the crucifix, Bill looked back at Melissa and her four children, and saw the hope that Nate left behind.

*  *  *

“God, I can’t  wait to get out of this place,” Dan thought  to himself sitting in the pew. “This stuffy church, pointing  out  all your mistakes. Trapping people, letting them fucking die without living.”

Dan hasn’t been inside a church since he was in high school, praying for something not to be that was. Forced to make a choice that he didn’t want to make, and now eighteen years later, he was still haunted by those demons.

Looking at Melissa, with her and Nate’s kids looking at their dad, dead in a wood box, all he saw was a life ended far too soon.

“Now what?” he thought. “Do they all go on like nothing happened? No way. A lifetime of pain and questions lie ahead.”

Dan knows the questions and the pain and doubt they bring. The choice was his, and he bares that burden. But for them, they are cogs in the machine of life that rolls on regardless of their choices. This was not their choice, but now their burden, whether they chose it or not.

But Dan wasn’t going to wait for fate to roll the dice for him. Whatever happened would be by his choosing, because he had no one to rely on but himself. He was sure that fate would catch up to him one day, but it would be on his terms.

Dan thought,  “This will haunt them for the rest of their lives. But they need to find a way to move on. We all need to. Why live for an afterlife you have never seen, when there is plenty to be had here in this life. I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun. I like the sound of that.”

*  *  *

Walking up to the closed casket, getting ready to carry his longtime friend out of the church, Joe looked at the other pallbearers;  Bill, Dan, and Tom along with Nate’s  dad Robert and younger brother Pete. When his eyes met Robert’s, Joe gave a slight smile and nodded his head as if to say, everything is going to be alright. Robert, with tears streaming down his face, nodded back and turned his attention to the casket that held his dead son’s remains.

As the hymn Amazing Grace began to echo through  the chamber, each of the six men grabbed on to the casket handles and began the procession out of the church. There wasn’t  a dry eye in the church, and Nate’s wife Melissa, sobbing as she wrapped her arm around her youngest child, was barely holding on.

Joe thought  back to the night of his motorcycle accident and how close he came to being where Nate is now.

Fate had a way of evening the score. Joe remembered seeing a bright light and dying the night of the accident. He had never been the same since. Every day, his body ached and  his soul felt empty. Joe quickly thought back to those nights when the sins of his past crawled out from the shadows and he stared down the barrel of his gun, ready to end his miserable existence.

Then “…that saved a wretch like me…” echoed through the church and brought Joe back to the task at hand; saying goodbye to his friend.

*  *  *

Tom stood at the gravesite watching Father Bob offer the final blessing on  Nate’s  remains. He looked around  and marveled at the family and friends that surrounded  Nate’s final resting place, as they all represented so many points in Nate’s life. There was his grandmother, his parents, his wife and children. Friends from high school, work, his church and neighborhood. Such an outpouring of sympathy, support, and regret for a man who was taken far too young.

Nate’s children were now left to move forward without their father, the man who is supposed to be there to protect and support them, to show them the love that only a father can provide. And now he’s gone, and these four must shoulder the burden of not having a father and face the reality that this world can be so unfair.“Tabitha, my little princess. She doesn’t deserve the shit we’ve put her through,” Dan thinks to himself. “Now I am partially out of her life. So fucking unfair. But at least I still have a chance to be with her.”

Tom knew what it was like to grow up without a father. His father abandoned him and his mother when he was 12 years old, just at the time in life when a boy so desperately needed the direction of a stable and loving father; someone to show him what it truly meant to be a man, not just pretend to be one.

He remembered the pain he felt when his father left, and in some ways, it was like he had died. For a while, there was a piece of him that held out hope that  his father would come walking through  the door  again one night. But that hope soon disappeared, and Tom was faced with the reality that he wasn’t ever coming back. .

As the burial service came to an end, people began to turn and walk away from  the  gravesite. Melissa and  the  children, along with  Nate’s parents and siblings, remained seated, not yet wanting to say their final goodbyes, as that would mean this moment is real and Nate isn’t coming back. It was as though they were waiting for Nate to walk in and say there was some sort of misunderstanding.

Joe knew that kind of hope, and he knew how devastating it could be when reality finally set in.

Read the complete version of “Eighteen to Thirty-Six” on Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six, Win a Kindle Fire HD and Help a Cause!

From now through the end of the year, you will have a chance to win a new Kindle Fire HD 6 (a $100 value) just by reading Eighteen to Thirty-Six and sharing your thoughts. Additionally, you’ll be helping the Fans Across America Charitable Foundation, a 501 (c) (3) tax-exempt-organization, provide daily living necessities to homeless students, families in transition and victims of domestic violence.

To be eligible to win, simply do the following:

Purchase the Eighteen to Thirty-Six e-book on Amazon.com for just $4.99.
Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six  — 100 pages that can change your life.
Write a one sentence (or more) review of  Eighteen to Thirty-Six  or simply share your thoughts about the book. To qualify, the posted review or thought must be a Verified Purchase comment and posted no later than December 31, 2014.
It’s that simple!

And for every purchase of Eighteen to Thirty-Six between now and December 31, 2014, the Fans Across America Charitable Foundation will receive 5% of the sale price.

So what are you waiting for? You’ll be helping yourself and those in need just by reading  Eighteen to Thirty-Six .

Is God Fantasy or Reality?

There are those of us who absolutely believe in God; some of us do not; while the rest of us probably float somewhere in between on the spectrum. The honest truth is that whether we are a believer, atheist, or find ourselves somewhere in the middle, we are all on a unique journey to find the answers that matter most in our lives.

Each of us are living a life that has never happened before and will never occur again. Think about the magnitude of that for a moment. There will never be a life like yours again. So the unique experiences, environments, interactions and personality traits that define who we are will also have a direct impact on what we do or do not believe religiously.

Then there are questions that cannot be answered but we are told to take on faith. For some of us that is a simple task, but for others, nearly impossible. Add in experiences where tragedy strikes your life or circumstances beyond your control wreak havoc on your existence, and what you might unearth are questions that can strengthen or loosen the fabric of what you believe. But no matter what happens in any given moment or period of time, our unique journeys continue.

How did your experiences shape your religious beliefs when you were 18? Did your life experiences over the next 18 years strengthen or lessen your resolve? Have you lost faith? Found faith? Redemtion?

Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six by Bruce Petillo, available on Amazon Kindle,Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Know it All?!?

At eighteen, the answers to life’s questions seemed so simple. But as we begin to truly experience life, different people, different cultures and different points of view, what was once black and white evolves into shades of grey, causing us to question what we thought we once knew.

Are your views today the same as they were at 18? Are there things you thought or believed at 18 that have changed or evolved over time? Has that caused you to question other areas of your life?

Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six by Bruce Petillo, available on Amazon Kindle,Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Press Release: Mascot Books Publishes Eighteen to Thirty-Six

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Mascot Books Publishes Eighteen to Thirty-Six

Herndon, VA; October 1, 2014: Mascot Books announces the release of Eighteen to Thirty-Six, written by Bruce Petillo.

Remember what it was like to be eighteen with your whole life waiting in front of you? You were destined to be somebody; a rock star, a major league baseball player, a writer, a surgeon, or the next Steve Jobs. Then you woke up one morning between eighteen and thirty-six, to find yourself in a “career” that you really had no desire to be in but it put food on the table, paid the mortgage and with the few bucks left over each month, your kids could take karate lessons or play on a traveling soccer team. Is this the life you imagined for yourself at eighteen?

Eighteen to Thirty-Six is the story of five friends who came of age together and were reawakened by the untimely death, at just thirty-six years old, of Nate Moore, the anchor of their friendship. Now these four lives are haunted by looming shadows from the past, including loves lost, paths not taken, old wounds, and passing time. With all of their flaws and weaknesses, Nate’s death has given each of them a moment in time to pause and take measure of their lives, contemplate their own mortality, discover forgiveness, rekindle faith, and find redemption before the sands of time bury what’s left of their lives.

“We all have life experiences from our teenage years that affect the people we become,” said Petillo. “I believe Eighteen to Thirty-Six captures the endless possibilities of eighteen and the cold realities of thirty-six, providing us with an opportunity to take back the lives we have lost to become the people we are meant to be.”

About the Author

Bruce Petillo is a husband, father, former minor league baseball player with the Philadelphia Phillies, founder of the Fans Across America Charitable Foundation, entrepreneur, marketing executive, and writer. He has been fortunate to experience life in ways that many people only dream. Across this extraordinary journey, he has learned that how you envision life to unfold is rarely how it happens. He has experienced many of life’s peaks and valleys along the way, and each event has played a critical role in sculpting the person he is today, and who he will become tomorrow.

Bruce grew up in Yorba Linda, California, and now resides in Gilbert, Arizona with his wife and children.

Eighteen to Thirty-Six is available through Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and Apple iTunes

###

About Mascot Books

Mascot Books, located in suburban Washington, D.C., was co-founded in 2003 by Naren Aryal with the release of Hello, Hokie Bird!, a children’s book starring the mascot of his alma mater, Virginia Tech. From there, the company has gone onto publish nearly 1,000 books with a diverse library of titles including children’s, young adult, fiction, non-fiction, cookbooks, and more.  Learn more at www.mascotbooks.com.

CONTACTS
Publisher Contact:
Mascot Books
Naren Aryal, C.E.O
naren@mascotbooks.com
(703) 437-3584
www.mascotbooks.com
 
Author Contact:
Bruce Petillo
bpetillo@fansacrossamerica.org

When You Are in a Hole, Can You See the Light?

They say the first rule for getting out of holes is to stop digging. And that makes a lot of sense, because you also can`t see the light with your eyes focused on the bottom of the hole.

So often in life, we find ourselves trapped by the choices we make and the circumstances that fate has set in motion. But rather than looking for the light that would illuminate the way out, we get fixated on the darkness and dig ourselves deeper and deeper into the hole.

Are there holes in your life that are holding you back from truly living? Are they of your making? Circumstantial? A little of both? Is it time to look up and find the light?

Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six by Bruce Petillo, available on Amazon Kindle,Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.

Dying at 36? What Would You Do?

We are a vibrant, life loving society. We go out of our way to avoid the topic of death, as it would only prove our frailty and affirm that the world does not revolve around us.

In our mid-thirties, we are in the prime of our lives, and more often than not don’t even realize it. But what if you were told at thirty-six that you only had a few months to live. What would you do?

Would you spend more time at work or with your loved ones?
Would you stay silent or share perspectives with the ones you are going to leave behind?
Would you refuse to accept death and fight or accept it as something that comes for us all?
Would you regret the things you never did or be thankful for all you had experienced?
Would you curse God for letting you die or find a renewed faith?

If you were thirty-six and told you were dying, what would you do?

If you are thirty-six and realize you are going to die someday, what will you do with the rest of the time you have been given?

Read Eighteen to Thirty-Six by Bruce Petillo, available on Amazon Kindle,Barnes & Noble Nook and Apple iBooks.