AVIS Viswanathan's Blog, page 5

Forgiving someone is the best gift you can give yourself

Forgiveness means to accept people for who they are. Irrespective of their irrationality, of their attitude towards you and of their actions.
I recently met a business associate who had failed to fulfil his contractual obligation to my erstwhile (and now defunct) Firm.
It had been a messy relationship. He was paid a sum of money in lieu of his services that he never delivered. When my Firm demanded the money back, he stonewalled us and refused to even take my calls. I sent him a strongly worded email to which he never replied. So, it was in these circumstances that this person and I met at social event. He was courteous but he was both uncomfortable in my presence and, most certainly, unapologetic. Sensing his discomfort, I clasped his hands, and looking him in the eye said, “Let bygones be bygones. I know we have an issue pending. But I am not carrying any grudges any more. I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way over the episode we both wished had never happened.” That kind of lightened the atmosphere and we spent the rest of the evening drinking and chatting up! 
I am not even sitting in judgment of what I did as right or wrong. I simply forgave the person. Period.
I have learned from Life that nobody is bad. Nobody is out to fix anyone! People do what they do because they believe they are right in doing so. Or they think if they didn’t do so, something grave is going to happen to them. Or if they didn’t do what they are doing, they may not get what they expect from you. All irrational behavior by someone then is a manifestation of what they are thinking, their belief systems at that moment, which again is a reflection of the time that they are going through. Such behavior needs to be responded with compassion not hatred. These people need your understanding. They need your forgiveness, not your anger. Besides, if you think deeply about it, what purpose does anger serve? You burn in it, while the person at whom you are directing your rage is often totally nonplussed about how you are feeling.

To truly forgive means to give someone your deepest understanding. It means to let go of the need to judge, opine, analyze or justify and to simply accept the diversity in human Life. It also means to appreciate that people will think different, behave different from you, because they are different from you!  Besides, forgiving someone unburdens you of all the excess baggage of anger, hatred, grief and suffering that you will otherwise carry around. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is the best gift you can give yourself. Think about it. This awareness can make your Life beautiful!

“Find your own reason” – a wake-up call from ‘Airlift’s’ ‘sarkari babu’

Sometimes when you have to do what you must do, you have to find your own reason.  
Kumud Mishra in 'Airlift'
Photo Courtesy: InternetYesterday, we watched an amazingly well-made Hindi film, Airlift, based on the Iraqi occupation of Kuwait in August 1990. The film, made by Raja Krishna Menon, and starring Akshay Kumar and Nimrat Kaur, tells the true story of how 170,000 Indians stranded in Kuwait, were airlifted by 488 planes of the Indian Air Force, Air India and Indian Airlines, in the largest evacuation operation in the world. The evacuation would not have been possible, given the apathy with which the Indian government functions, had it not been for the efforts of a joint secretary in the Ministry of External Affairs. When he finally networks with his colleague in the Civil Aviation Ministry and gets down to addressing the union of pilots that represent Air India and Indian Airlines – who are refusing to fly civilian aircraft into a war zone for the operation – the joint secretary is asked by one of the pilots, “Why should we fly risking our lives? Give us one reason.” And the bureaucrat (fictitiously named Sanjeev Kohli; a brilliant performance by Kumud Mishra) simply replies: “The 170,000 people who are stuck there have, unfortunately, no relationship with any of us, except that they are fellow Indians. So, if you need a reason to do what is right, to go do what you must do, you have to find your own reason. Apna hi kaaran dhoond lo ji.”
There is no rabble-rousing, heroic oratory that takes up screen time. Just a 30-second, modest, heartfelt, helpless plea. Imagine the most pivotal point of the film’s story has no melodrama. Not even drama.
That scene and dialogue may or may not have been rendered in real Life. We don’t know and possibly Airlift’s director Menon may have taken artistic liberties. But, nevertheless, what Mishra’s character Sanjeev Kohli says in the film brings to the fore a practical, personal and deeply spiritual option we all often ignore.
Which is, to do whatever we have to and must do, we don’t need an extraneous reason. We must do it for our own sake. We often procrastinate over decisions – governing our own lives – or we delay doing the right things for people and community around us. All our dilemmas, and the delays associated with them, arise from this ‘waiting for a reason’ syndrome. And that’s the wake-up call that the sarkari babu in Airlift serves to each of us. He’s almost, through his nondescript appeal, certainly saying “be the change that you want to see in the world”. To be honest, apart from the fact that Iraq invaded Kuwait, even after watching Airlift, I could not recall the story of this historical evacuation from memory. I was a journalist in 1990, with India Today; I was 23 years old then, and still I could not remember even one fact – 488 flights, 170,000 people, 59 days, involving Air India and Indian Airlines? I conceded to Vaani yesterday: “I must have been so self-obsessed.” Perhaps it is true that it is only when we are self-obsessed that we search for reasons to do what we must do.  
Interestingly, almost in all contexts in Life, each of us knows what must be done. And what we must be doing. Yet we procrastinate, postpone and pretend to be clueless. So, whatever it is you must be doing, don’t dither, don’t delay. You don’t always get a second chance in Life! Find your own reason to inspire yourself into action and go do what must be done.

Denial delays – and often denies – happiness

The more we deny, the farther we are moving away from happiness.
Life’s problems don’t always happen all of a sudden. They often build up over a period of time. We don’t see the problem as it is because of the state of denial we are often in.
A smoker knows smoking will lead to cancer. But he or she keeps denying that this reality will affect his or her Life; and so goes on smoking.
Many, many months before my Firm went bankrupt, a wise client (and a close friend) of mine had told me that “if you continue running your business this way, pretty soon you will go bankrupt”. I denied his sage counsel. I thought since he was older to me, he was conservative and hence not a risk-taker. So, I did not heed his advice. Eventually, when my Firm’s fortunes came crashing, I awakened to the realization that I should have never denied the problem we were in all that while.
Someone we know, who is very creative, is struggling to get one of his events off the ground. He just can’t find sponsors. He already owes money to people for an event he staged some months ago. So prudence demands that he does not launch a new event without settling his previous dues and without tying up sponsors. But he simply wants to plough on and is getting all stressed out as the event date approaches. He’s often breaking down and cries aloud that the Universe is not compassionate to him. Indulging in self-pity is a sure sign of denial. What this person must recognize is that the business model he is following is not taking off. So, something new must we worked on. Pushing forward without sponsors will only mean that he is digging himself a bigger grave – of debt!
Denying something even though you know it exists__a financial, relationship, health or self-belief problem__doesn’t make the problem go away. Or simply, denial does not help you avoid experiencing pain in a problem situation. It, in fact, increases your suffering. Because, since the problem doesn’t cease to exist, and continues to nag you, you are forever consumed by your fears. Wherever there is fear, suffering will be there too. To be sure, on the other hand, accepting__and not denying__a problem too does not make the problem go away. But because you accept it, and therefore you attempt to work on solutions__however long they may take__despite the pain, despite the circumstances, you do find inner peace and happiness.
There are no two ways to live Life. There is just one way __ live in total acceptance. The moment you deny whatever is happening, whatever you are going through, you are not saying yes to Life. You are not saying yes to whatever is. Know that saying yes to what is always leads to happiness – whatever be the circumstances!

Don’t judge others; especially, when you have not walked their path

We must completely avoid judging, or at least opining and commenting on, the lives of people whose path we have never walked.
Shreekumar Varma
Photo Courtesy: The Hindu/InternetOur good friend, the acclaimed writer and poet, Shreekumar Varma was abducted last fortnight in Senegal, in Western Africa. He has since been freed and is hopefully back home in Chennai. Shreekumar had, it appears, been to Senegal to sell an original painting of Raja Ravi Varma. Interestingly, Shreekumar also hails from Raja Ravi Varma’s family. The story of his abduction broke a couple of days ago in India and his subsequent release has been going viral on social media. What baffles me is the way people are judgmental about Shreekumar and his predicament.
Some of the questions being asked or judgments being pronounced are:
·    Was a ransom paid for his release?
Was the painting itself the ransom?
Shreekumar was a fool to be lured to Senegal to sell an original Ravi Varma painting
Something’s fishy about his visit and the whole story
I wouldn’t ever sell a Ravi Varma original
Maybe he was selling the painting without his family’s knowledge
Now these questions and points of view may be arising out of curiosity because Shreekumar’s story is in the public domain. But is it necessary to pass judgment on matters that don’t concern us directly or of which we have no or limited knowledge. Just because you are on social media, and there is an opportunity and space available to air a comment, don’t opine on people and events that you don’t know anything about.
People who know Shreekumar and his wife Geetha will agree that they are surely among the most genial people on the planet. We have known them only over the last three years, but we have immense regard for them. They conduct themselves with so much humility – despite their lineage and all their accomplishments – and dignity. No one I know knows under what circumstances Shreekumar made that trip to Senegal. I personally don’t think it is relevant. He got into a messy situation there. And the local Indian Embassy, the Ministry of External Affairs and his family worked on securing his release and safe passage back home. Simple. And period. There ends the story. I don’t think anyone has the right to dissect, analyze and pronounce judgment on a matter such as this – especially when they are so totally removed from the truth and the facts.
We have seen how social opinion colored and condemned the passage of justice in the Aarushi case – the Talwar couple serve a jail sentence when there’s not a shred of evidence against them! Vaani and I have also been at the receiving end of unsolicited public pronouncements and judgments. So, we surely know how it feels. We have learnt to be detached from what people have to say about us. But sadly not everyone may have that ability.  
Let us understand and appreciate that people – that includes you and me – do things in Life with their own rationale and logic. Sometimes, things go horribly wrong despite all the intent and planning. So, people do end up in a circumstance that they never quite believed they will ever be in. Everyone’s story has only one truth. And unless you know what that truth is, don’t speculate, don’t opine, and most important, don’t judge anyone. Apart from puncturing the morale of those you judge, it is, quite honestly, a total waste of your time and, seriously, none of your business! 

Drop your sense of self-importance, just be!

You have to do nothing to take care of your Life. Actually, Life has always been taking care, is taking care, and will take care of you!
At a coffee shop the other day, two friends were catching up at a table that was very close to mine. I was immersed in checking Facebook on my phone. But something one of them said to the other caught my attention. He said, “My Life is not in my hands anymore. I have to take care of my family, my parents, my sister who is going through a divorce, and I have to work by butt off trying to achieve my targets at work. It is insane, but I am no longer living my Life. I am constantly running, earning, providing for and serving others. I feel so lost, so overworked, so stressed – all the time!”
Many of us may well be in this person’s position. We may have the same feeling that we seem to be alive only so that we can provide for other people. And perhaps we are tired of such an existence. Some may even be suffering. To be sure, this is a very natural feeling when we are overwhelmed by the challenges we face and the responsibilities that we carry.
The way to deal with this situation, if you are feeling this way, is to stop giving yourself too much importance. A fundamental belief that comes in the way of our living our lives fully, totally, is the view that we have to take care of ourselves and of others ‘dependent’ on us. There’s this huge protector-provider role that we all have self-imposed upon ourselves. Or a better way to say it is that we have self-assumed this role. And so we go about our lives obsessed with an avoidable sense of self-importance. We believe every problem around us needs our immediate, urgent attention__and resolution. That everything from money to succor, in our immediate circle of influence, must be provided for by us. And when it doesn’t happen that way, as it often may not, we feel something’s wrong with us, or with creation, or both and so we grieve, agonize and suffer!
Osho, the Master, says, and only he could have said it so well: “If the whole existence is one, and if existence goes on taking care of trees, of animals, of mountains, of oceans__from the smallest blade of grass to the biggest star__then it will take care of you too. Once you have started seeing the beauty of Life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at Life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can have only one. It is your choice.”

So observe what’s causing you stress just now. And let it go. Let go of your self-assumed need to be problem-solver, protector and provider. Instead just be. And then you will discover that creation will take care of you, and all that you call your own. 

There is no strategy to live Life: just be useful!

You must simply live your Life, and carry on living, not worrying about either strategy or success!
Someone I know told me recently that he does not understand what I gain by blogging, Vlogging, delivering Talks and holding free, inspirational, public events. “There’s no meaning in this. You are not making money,” he said. I smiled back at him and said, that doing all this, makes me useful – even if not successful in a worldly sense! “It is liberating to share, unlearn, learn…,” I explained. But my friend said he still could not see any meaning in my “strategy”.
I did not try to justify any further. Because there’s nothing to explain. There is really no strategy to Life and living.  Life cannot be lived fully when we are nailed down by negative, debilitating emotions like doubt, anger, jealousy, sorrow and fear. It cannot be understood too when we are held hostage by our ego and our wants. It can only be understood when we let go of what cripples us, what worries us and what scares us. Only when we practice detachment__from what holds us and what we hold on to__can we be useful without reason, without “strategy”.
When the ‘what’s-in-it-for-me’ ceases to be anything material, your Life is filled with abundance, grace, happiness and, well, magic!
Thanks to our conditioning and to our upbringing we are encouraged to start running a race, as soon as we begin to make sense of our world, and are taught that Life’s meaning is to come first, to win, to acquire, to accumulate, to conquer. In this context, by always wanting to win, we don’t realize we have to willy-nilly ‘vanquish’ or ‘deny’ others the opportunity to win. Or when we try but when we don’t win, we end up feeling depressed and despondent. This is when we start looking for a strategy to employ in Life. Then, a time does come when even that ‘winning strategy’ becomes meaningless. So, we end up seeking meaning when we discover that despite all the winning, all the conquest, all the accumulation, we are still missing something __ the essence of Life, of simply being happy.

In Viktor Frankl’s 1946 epic book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ __ chronicling his experiences as an Auschwitz concentration camp inmate during World War II __ he concludes that, as time passed and as he looked back at all that he had been through, the gut-wrenching experience he had in the camp was nothing but a “remembered nightmare”. Even his desire to kill his tormentor was now gone. He awakens to his Life’s meaning which is “to help others find theirs”.

In summary, as I have discovered it__and I am still learning__Life has no meaning. You bring meaning to your Life by being useful than merely wanting to be successful. It is not that wanting to be or being successful is wrong. But the pursuit of success often blinds us and takes us in the direction of being successful at the cost of others. Whereas, being useful, is what true success is all about. 

‘Karma’ or no ‘karma’, simply take Life as it comes!

Your being good or having integrity does not necessarily mean you will not have to face Life’s upheavals.
I am often asked if karma has a role to play in our lives. Honestly I don’t know if karma works the way people believe it does. Karma is best understood as the law of action – of what goes around coming around. But I am not sure if the law works the way Hinduism and Buddhism profess it works – that it is “the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences”. Since no one I know, who has died, has ever come back to tell their tale, I prefer only taking this lifetime into view. From what I have seen, experienced and learnt, yes, what goes around often – may not always – comes  around. So, if this is karma, then it works. But if you ask me if we carry over credit and debit balances from previous births, and into future births, or states of existence, well, I have no first- hand experience. Nor do I know anyone who has one!
Then how does one explain “goodness” in Life being met with or “rewarded” with pain or tragedy? Or simply, why do “good” people have to go through Life’s trials and tribulations?
My answer to both these questions is that there’s nothing called “good” or “bad”. Who says anyone, or anything, is good or bad? It is a human point of view – this good or bad argument. It is society that sticks the label on an event or a person. Or it is a person who does it to himself or herself. If things go your way, you call the going good. If they don’t you say things are bad. But look at Life from Life’s from point view. There’s a design and the design is playing out. All the problem is arising only because we humans don’t have access to Life’s design – to the Master Plan. So, we analyze and theorize and come up with karmaand such related arguments. None of this, in the larger scheme and design of your Life, or mine, really matters. Consider it objectively. Of what use is it knowing if you are paying for actions of a previous birth or existence? Or what use is it to be forewarned that you may pay for your actions in a future existence? Seriously, such awareness and information is purposeless. What matters is, are you present in the now, in this lifetime of yours, are you living in the moment, fully?
Mohammed Thahir with his parents
Picture Courtesy: The Hindu/Internet/M.VedhanHere’s an interesting case in point. This morning I saw a story in The Hindu of a 33-year-old man, Mohammed Thahir, who had given up his seat to an elderly couple in an unreserved compartment on a train two years ago; within minutes of his “good deed” he was pushed out of the overcrowded coach and the train ran over his legs. The doctors had to amputate both his legs. For the last two years, the man and his parents have been running from pillar to post to file an FIR and claim a compensation from the Indian Railways. To no avail. Leave alone the apathetic system we all have to fight from time to time, even if you ask a simple question – did a genuine good Samaritan gesture by Thahir deserve such a heartless treatment at Life’s hands? – there is, and can be, no rational, logical answer. The two events, in Life’s scheme of things, are unrelated: Thahir’s show of respect to an elderly couple; and Thahir being involved in a freak accident. If you leave the two instances unconnected, there will be no problem. But how can you suppress the human urge to analyze, to theorize, to bring in God, to bring in karma? Simply, isn’t it only because we connect the dots and try to over-analyze that we complicate our lives, right?. So, who’s to blame for all the confusion – us humans or Life?
I think whether there is karma or there isn’t karma, you must take Life as it comes. Let your response to what happens to you not depend on how you believe Life’s treating you. Do your bit. Face your bit. And just keep moving on.

For your guru to appear, you must first be a seeker

“When the student is ready, the teacher shall appear.” – The Buddha.
A conversation over coffee yesterday veered around the subject of gurus.  Do we really need a guru? Does someone else’s guru have to appeal to you? How do we choose a guru?
These are very pertinent and normal questions that arise in a seeker. But before attempting to answer them, we must demystify the word guru itself. In Sanskrit, ‘gu’ means ‘the darkness of ignorance’ and ‘ru’ means ‘the one who removes’. So, anyone, absolutely, anyone who makes you become more aware, who dispels the ignorance in you, is your guru. For instance, my daughter’s friend, Aneesh, is the one I turn to for all geeky queries. I just send him a WhatsApp message and pat comes the reply. In every sense, he’s my guru when it comes to tech issues. Or for all matters pertaining to law and legal strategy, we turn to our friend and mentor of several years, S.Vijayaraghavan – he’s our guru there. Or for anything related to music and sound engineering, we lean on a young composer and studio owner, Kumar Narayanan; he is always helping us learn something new every single time. So, in essence, this whole belief that a guruis a saint, a religious figure, matted hair, orange robes and such is, to put it bluntly, all rubbish.
Fundamentally, if you have the readiness and willingness to learn, your guru will appear before you. There is no need to search for one. Seek. Just seek within. And you will be connected to someone who can, at that moment, clarify, educate and make you more aware. There’s a difference between seeking and searching. There is always a frantic quality to a search. But seeking is subliminal. There is a yearning. There’s a pining. Not in a painful way. But with the curiosity of child, the thirst of a desert-weary traveler.
I have always found that when you seek deeply, within, with all honesty, someone comes to help you along. Always.
I remember, a few years ago, when things were horribly, horribly bad, on the financial, legal and business front, we were in our hotel room in Navi Mumbai. I had a series of workshops to run that week. But I had no energy, no inclination, to do anything. I was seeking a way to understand myself better, I wanted to know how to cope. That’s when one of the managers from the company that we were working with came up to our room and told me and Vaani the story of how he had survived 95 % burns in a ghastly fire accident. He said, “You simply have to believe. Non-believing is not a choice. When you believe, you are at peace. When you are at peace, you can think with clarity. With clarity anything is possible. With confusion, and depression, and despondency, nothing is.” So, to me, to Vaani, that day, this manager was our guru. He removed the darkness of ignorance. He made us aware what believing really meant.

This is who a guru is. A genuine guru has no pretensions, peddles no methods and makes no promises. It is just someone who makes you aware of whatever you must know. But for a guru to appear, you must first be a seeker – ready and willing! 

A simple, fervent prayer for my Republic!

A simple, fervent prayer for my Republic!

Where the mind is without fear, Where women are not abused (physically and emotionally) but are respected and empowered, Where garbage is responsibly disposed and recycled, Where people obey traffic rules - wear seatbelts, helmets, give way to pedestrians, don't honk and don't speak on their mobile phones while driving, Where people don't drink and drive Where people don't watch pirated movies, Where people know their own elected representatives (panchayat members, councillors, MLAs, MPs) by first name, have access to their mobile numbers and demand accountability, Where human Life, and sentiment, is valued more than community, caste and religion, Where clean professionals like you and me are willing to enter the mainstream of governance - executive, judiciary and legislature, Where eco-consciousness is a responsibility and not just an idea, ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ into that very practical, possible, realistic realm, O! Mother India, may you arise!

* If you like it, please feel free to fill in the blanks by adding your aspirations to the prayer as comments to this post** With much respect and heartfelt gratitude to Rabindranath Tagore, Mahatma Gandhi and to all those who soldier on, dutifully, despite the odds, so that we can post "Happy Republic Day" on social media today!
*** I don't know the name of any of my elected representatives and I know that's a crying shame!

‘Letting Go’ is the way!

There is no way or method to ‘Let Go’!
In response to my blogpost of yesterday a reader wrote to me wondering if there was a method to letting go: “I find it very, very difficult. The more I try to let go, the more I feel the urge to be in control. I feel that we have been given a human mind only to solve the problems we are faced with. And letting go, without attempting a solution, or in spite of attempting a solution, is counter-intuitive to being human! Is there a progressive approach to letting go?”
Honestly, there is no easy explanation to this conundrum. Because truly the benefits of, the value in, letting go cannot be explained. It has to be experienced.
Even so, let me attempt to share what I have understood from my own experience of learning to let go. When we are confronted with a problem situation, we want to solve it. We believe that either we can solve a problem or at least we believe we can find someone who can solve the problem for us. Well, if we can solve a problem, or if someone can solve a problem for us, surely, there is no problem. But there will be Life situations when no one can solve your problem. Life – and time – alone can solve your problem or heal you. Ask, for instance, those people who lost their dear ones in the MH 370 episode. Or ask the Talwar couple who are in Dasna jail in UP. Or ask me and Vaani – and we will tell you what it means to be living with a problem that refuses to get resolved despite all our efforts.
But that’s not the only way to look at problems of an enduring kind. Look at them another way too: No matter what you do, how hard you work, what you wish, whatever has to happen alone will happen. So, when you realize that something’s not in your control, when you are unable to control the flow of events in your Life, don’t resist it.Just let it happen. You simply learn to go with the flow.
My late grandfather, my father’s father, used to say, in chaste PalaghattanTamizh: “Nadakarthu ellam nadakarapadi nadakattum.” Meaning, let everything happen in its own way. It also means don’t come in the way of Life. Because in reality, Life has been happening in its own way – whether you liked what happened or not, whether you like what you are getting or not. And if you elevate yourself to see Life from a spiritual plane, there are no problems. There are only events. Mere incidents on your journey called Life. You call something, which really is a simple event, a problem because you don’t like it, you don’t want it in your Life.
Letting go is not a call to inaction. Letting go is wisdom. If you like, you can call it an advisory which says that despite your best efforts, if you don’t see the results that you want, don’t agitate, don’t despair, just go with the flow of your Life. Which is why the spiritual perspective that there are no problems to be solved, there are just events to be experienced, is very valuable. When something is an experience, whether you like it or not, you have to learn to live and deal with it. It is only when you label something as a problem, that you feel you must solve it!
If you observe your Life or that of those around you, apart from all the challenges that Life throws at us, we create a fresh one for ourselves by seeking methods to deal with Life. We have become so method-driven that we now want to know if there is a method to intelligent living, if there is a method to inner peace, if there is a method to happiness and if there is a method to letting go. Life doesn’t work on theories or models or constructs for methods to work for, or in, Life. In my humble opinion, and from my experience of this lifetime, there’s no way to let go. Letting go is the way!