AVIS Viswanathan's Blog, page 36
March 31, 2015
The best way to win an argument is to not speak at all
In the face of all provocation, silence is the best weapon.
Silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of an astute evolution, absolute mastery and a scientific temperament. But most of us think just the opposite is true. We want to react to every provocation, respond to each impulse and make more noises__that are seen and heard__than take concrete action on situations that matter greatly to us. Speech, rhetoric and a visible expression of intent seem to be more palatable, more in demand, than a silent resolve and resolute action.
Yet it is those who make no noises that work the hardest and deliver the most. Look around you. In your family, at work, in society. All that is being accomplished is by those that put their heads down than those that shoot off their mouths. Amongst other species too, the ants are the ones that get the most done, making no noise whatsoever. Over the years, I too have transformed from being ‘visible, expressive and overtly charged’ in any situation to now being a ‘silent yet focused soldier’. I rue a conversation__no, it was a monologue, with me alone speaking!__that I once had with my dad years ago, as much as I remain inspired by it. I was angry with my dad for being a ‘silent spectator’ to the goings-on in the family and called him over to ‘speak my mind’. I spoke animatedly, taunting him, accusing him of inaction and ineptitude. I even recall my own words vividly: “Dad, you are making us all victims because of your godforsaken silence”. My dad, predictably, remained silent and refused to respond to my charges or provocations! Today, somewhere in the third quarter of my Life, I hold that meeting with my dad as a beacon, a shining light, of living intelligently. Over the same years, since that monologue, I have seen my dad handle many a Life storm, and he is still handling one at the moment, with silence as his Brahmastra (the sacred mythological all-powerful weapon that can wipe out all evil). I have learnt from his silence.
Silence, therefore, is not a sign of giving in or giving up. It is action in its purest, all-pervasive form. Silence is our native state. The entire Universe is cloaked in silence. And this is from where all energy manifests. So, by choosing to be silent in any situation__in public debates, in mud-slinging campaigns, in the face of allegations and accusations, amidst rabid, verbose, flaky points of view__you are demonstrating enormous will and are conserving precious energy to deploy into action than dissipate it in unnecessary word-fare. Here’s what Greek philosopher Xenocrates (396~314 BC) confessed to: “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” When you are silent, you connect with your deeper Self, your real Self. That’s where all the energy that created you lies. When you tap into that energy and harness it, all the actions you pursue will yield results and ensure the outcomes you want. The best way to win any battle is not to fight at all. The best way to win an argument is to not speak at all__but to always and only act on what you believe in.
Silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of an astute evolution, absolute mastery and a scientific temperament. But most of us think just the opposite is true. We want to react to every provocation, respond to each impulse and make more noises__that are seen and heard__than take concrete action on situations that matter greatly to us. Speech, rhetoric and a visible expression of intent seem to be more palatable, more in demand, than a silent resolve and resolute action.
Yet it is those who make no noises that work the hardest and deliver the most. Look around you. In your family, at work, in society. All that is being accomplished is by those that put their heads down than those that shoot off their mouths. Amongst other species too, the ants are the ones that get the most done, making no noise whatsoever. Over the years, I too have transformed from being ‘visible, expressive and overtly charged’ in any situation to now being a ‘silent yet focused soldier’. I rue a conversation__no, it was a monologue, with me alone speaking!__that I once had with my dad years ago, as much as I remain inspired by it. I was angry with my dad for being a ‘silent spectator’ to the goings-on in the family and called him over to ‘speak my mind’. I spoke animatedly, taunting him, accusing him of inaction and ineptitude. I even recall my own words vividly: “Dad, you are making us all victims because of your godforsaken silence”. My dad, predictably, remained silent and refused to respond to my charges or provocations! Today, somewhere in the third quarter of my Life, I hold that meeting with my dad as a beacon, a shining light, of living intelligently. Over the same years, since that monologue, I have seen my dad handle many a Life storm, and he is still handling one at the moment, with silence as his Brahmastra (the sacred mythological all-powerful weapon that can wipe out all evil). I have learnt from his silence. Silence, therefore, is not a sign of giving in or giving up. It is action in its purest, all-pervasive form. Silence is our native state. The entire Universe is cloaked in silence. And this is from where all energy manifests. So, by choosing to be silent in any situation__in public debates, in mud-slinging campaigns, in the face of allegations and accusations, amidst rabid, verbose, flaky points of view__you are demonstrating enormous will and are conserving precious energy to deploy into action than dissipate it in unnecessary word-fare. Here’s what Greek philosopher Xenocrates (396~314 BC) confessed to: “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” When you are silent, you connect with your deeper Self, your real Self. That’s where all the energy that created you lies. When you tap into that energy and harness it, all the actions you pursue will yield results and ensure the outcomes you want. The best way to win any battle is not to fight at all. The best way to win an argument is to not speak at all__but to always and only act on what you believe in.
March 30, 2015
Every beating heart has a story to tell
Know someone’s story before you comment on them. Better still, look at yourself in the mirror, and appraise yourself, before you pass judgment.
The gravest mistake that we make as human beings is to comment on other people’s lives without knowing their stories. Yet we do it so often. Because it is a free world. Free for interpretation. Free to comment. Free to opinionate. Free to pass judgment. So we all exercise that freedom with complete, often reckless, abandon. And with impunity.
Therefore, a person who has never paid taxes or voted or managed a team or led an organization, will gleefully opinionate on how the country’s Prime Minister must lead and govern. A wife beating husband will talk about morality and women’s rights. Someone who downloads and watches pirated movies online will support a questionable movement against corruption and champion honesty in public. A woman who has been through a divorce and living single will be seen as ‘available’. And someone following his bliss, and therefore standing his ground by not running the corporate rat race, will be seen as ‘wasting his youth and messing up his career’. Each of us is guilty of this crime. I too have committed it in the past. We see someone drive up in a big car, we say, “Filthy rich fella…” We see a man in rags on the street, we conclude, “Beggar.” We don’t pause to think. We don’t care__or even__want to know these people. We only want to presume and opine. And what about the people we know? We don’t want to trust them. So, if someone is saying or doing something we don’t like, we don’t want to know them better or understand them. We just want to opine again. Randomly.
Some years ago, owing to all the frequent travel that I has to undertake, I found myself being upgraded to business class, at the boarding gate, on a domestic flight by the airline’s loyalty program. It so happened that a friend that I had borrowed money from__those were the years early on in the bankruptcy of my Firm__also was on the same flight. And he was in economy class. My friend who was chatting me up prior to boarding refused to see eye to eye with me once we boarded. Upon arrival at our destination, he walked away pretending he didn’t see me. I sent him a text saying it was good seeing him. He didn’t reply. A few weeks later I received a lawyer’s notice saying my friend demanded that I pay back his money. The crux of the argument was that ‘if I had the money to spend on a business class ticket, I surely had the money to repay him’. I did not even engage a lawyer__I could not afford one__but replied to the notice saying a client had paid for my economy ticket and the upgrade had happened as a matter of rote and circumstance and not by my engineering or special design! My friend proceeded to sue me in a court. And I said the same thing in court as well, breaking down as I said it. The judge implored us both to settle the matter out of court. My friend was appalled. He met me outside and I pleaded for his understanding. I showed him documents that demonstrated how bad the business had gotten. And how we were even struggling for our living expenses. He listened to me patiently. He apologized for his conduct and walked away. Now, had he cared to understand me even when we were boarding the flight together, we wouldn’t have needed to be in a courtroom.
That episode has led me to transform and to resolve never to judge or comment on anybody. The learning is two-fold for all of us: 1. We all behave like my friend some time or the other. 2. We all must realize that we behave so because we don’t trust people around us. The only way we can and must live our lives is by never passing judgment or opinionating on someone or something unless we have to and only if we know the full story. We must learn to understand and appreciate people’s stories and predicaments first. Accept that people, despite what we see as apparent, can be going through a difficult or challenging phase in their lives. Love people for who they are rather than for what they should be or will be or were. Remember: every beating heart has a story to tell. Know that story before you shoot off your mouth!
The gravest mistake that we make as human beings is to comment on other people’s lives without knowing their stories. Yet we do it so often. Because it is a free world. Free for interpretation. Free to comment. Free to opinionate. Free to pass judgment. So we all exercise that freedom with complete, often reckless, abandon. And with impunity.
Therefore, a person who has never paid taxes or voted or managed a team or led an organization, will gleefully opinionate on how the country’s Prime Minister must lead and govern. A wife beating husband will talk about morality and women’s rights. Someone who downloads and watches pirated movies online will support a questionable movement against corruption and champion honesty in public. A woman who has been through a divorce and living single will be seen as ‘available’. And someone following his bliss, and therefore standing his ground by not running the corporate rat race, will be seen as ‘wasting his youth and messing up his career’. Each of us is guilty of this crime. I too have committed it in the past. We see someone drive up in a big car, we say, “Filthy rich fella…” We see a man in rags on the street, we conclude, “Beggar.” We don’t pause to think. We don’t care__or even__want to know these people. We only want to presume and opine. And what about the people we know? We don’t want to trust them. So, if someone is saying or doing something we don’t like, we don’t want to know them better or understand them. We just want to opine again. Randomly. Some years ago, owing to all the frequent travel that I has to undertake, I found myself being upgraded to business class, at the boarding gate, on a domestic flight by the airline’s loyalty program. It so happened that a friend that I had borrowed money from__those were the years early on in the bankruptcy of my Firm__also was on the same flight. And he was in economy class. My friend who was chatting me up prior to boarding refused to see eye to eye with me once we boarded. Upon arrival at our destination, he walked away pretending he didn’t see me. I sent him a text saying it was good seeing him. He didn’t reply. A few weeks later I received a lawyer’s notice saying my friend demanded that I pay back his money. The crux of the argument was that ‘if I had the money to spend on a business class ticket, I surely had the money to repay him’. I did not even engage a lawyer__I could not afford one__but replied to the notice saying a client had paid for my economy ticket and the upgrade had happened as a matter of rote and circumstance and not by my engineering or special design! My friend proceeded to sue me in a court. And I said the same thing in court as well, breaking down as I said it. The judge implored us both to settle the matter out of court. My friend was appalled. He met me outside and I pleaded for his understanding. I showed him documents that demonstrated how bad the business had gotten. And how we were even struggling for our living expenses. He listened to me patiently. He apologized for his conduct and walked away. Now, had he cared to understand me even when we were boarding the flight together, we wouldn’t have needed to be in a courtroom.
That episode has led me to transform and to resolve never to judge or comment on anybody. The learning is two-fold for all of us: 1. We all behave like my friend some time or the other. 2. We all must realize that we behave so because we don’t trust people around us. The only way we can and must live our lives is by never passing judgment or opinionating on someone or something unless we have to and only if we know the full story. We must learn to understand and appreciate people’s stories and predicaments first. Accept that people, despite what we see as apparent, can be going through a difficult or challenging phase in their lives. Love people for who they are rather than for what they should be or will be or were. Remember: every beating heart has a story to tell. Know that story before you shoot off your mouth!
March 29, 2015
Choose forgiveness to be free
Forgiveness is the best form of offence. It frees you from suffering__caused by the pain inflicted by someone__and helps that someone reflect and repair from whatever they have done unto you. It’s a win-win.
Think deeply and you will agree with my perspective. Often times people hurt us with their actions, thoughts and utterances. They lie on us, they betray our trust in them, they speak ill behind our back, they take away what is rightfully ours and they leave us numbed. None of this feels good. The first, obvious, logical response, in all such situations, is to freak out, scream, kick, demand why, seek to know why were you betrayed…..and eventually, over a period of weeks, the angst morphs into a ‘certain coldness’ and eventually, you stop trusting people. While this may seem a normal and appropriate response in “self-defense” (so that you are not betrayed one more time), the flip side is it will leave you perpetually grieving. And how can you live fully, peacefully, if you are forever in a state of suffering?
Here’s a Zen story that will sensitize you to the perils of carrying the baggage of being ‘unforgiving’! Once there was a monk who asked his disciples to carve out names of the people they cannot forgive on potatoes, one potato for each name. Then the disciples were asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it with them at all times for one week. The longer the time went by, the heavier the potatoes seemed to have become. To make the matter worse, those carved potatoes also started to rot and smell bad. It was such an unpleasant experience for the disciples. At the end of the week, the Master asked, "So, what did you learn?" At once the disciples told the Master that they now realized that holding on to grudges only brought negativity to them. Asked how they should go about correcting it, the youngsters said they should strive their best to forgive everyone that used to cross them and made them angry. The Master then asked, "What if someone crosses you again after you unload this present load of potatoes?" The disciples suddenly felt terrified at the thought of having to start all over again with new potatoes, week after week. "What can we do if there are still other people crossing us? We cannot control what other people do to us!" they confessed. At which point the Master replied, "So far we only discussed the conventional way to approach forgiveness, that is, to strive to forgive. Striving is difficult. In Zen, there is no striving." Seeing the disciples completely at a loss then, the Master further suggested, "If the negative feelings are the potatoes, what is the sack?" The disciples finally grasped it. "Ah, the sack is something that allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is my inflated sense of self-importance!" replied one of them. And that was the lesson of this story. Once we learn how to let go of the sack, whatever people say or do against us would no longer matter.
In Zen, forgiveness is the conscious decision to get rid of the sack/sense of self-importance altogether, not just the potatoes/negative feelings. With the understanding of Zen, Life suddenly becomes effortless, elegant, and natural. Get rid of the sack, and there will be no more rotten potatoes. Even if we, lesser mortals, as we may erroneously imagine, stop carving potatoes, it is a small, humble beginning. But those of us who believe in a strategic, planned, precise approach to Life, may want to consider forgiveness as a tool and not just a spiritual concept. Former American President Bill Clinton once shared what he learned from Nelson Mandela on forgiveness. In one meeting of the two men, Clinton asked, "I wonder what you must have felt towards your jailers when you were walking out of that prison after those 27 years. Weren't you angry at them?" "Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid," answered Mandela. "After all, I've not been free in so long." "But," he added, "when I felt that anger welling up inside me, I realized that if I continue to hate them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me." With a smile, Mandela concluded, "I wanted to be free, so I let it go."
So, for the thinking, strategizing, master-craftsmen and wonderful upwardly-mobile wise women of the modern world, I would say, choose forgiveness to be liberated, to be free. Also consider forgiveness as a form of offence in today’s world. A peaceful resistance to the crude, unethical practices that attempt to derail you, your career and your Life. None of this is my original hypothesis, let me hasten to clarify. Here are the words of Christ found in his teaching in Matthew 5-38-48: “But I say to you , love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you.” Loving someone who loves you is easy. Loving someone who hates you is difficult. So, whether it is a challenge like an exciting new electronic game (like Angry Birds!) or a form of offence or a tool to freedom, forgiveness makes imminent sense. Only, of course, if you want it to!
Think deeply and you will agree with my perspective. Often times people hurt us with their actions, thoughts and utterances. They lie on us, they betray our trust in them, they speak ill behind our back, they take away what is rightfully ours and they leave us numbed. None of this feels good. The first, obvious, logical response, in all such situations, is to freak out, scream, kick, demand why, seek to know why were you betrayed…..and eventually, over a period of weeks, the angst morphs into a ‘certain coldness’ and eventually, you stop trusting people. While this may seem a normal and appropriate response in “self-defense” (so that you are not betrayed one more time), the flip side is it will leave you perpetually grieving. And how can you live fully, peacefully, if you are forever in a state of suffering?
Here’s a Zen story that will sensitize you to the perils of carrying the baggage of being ‘unforgiving’! Once there was a monk who asked his disciples to carve out names of the people they cannot forgive on potatoes, one potato for each name. Then the disciples were asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it with them at all times for one week. The longer the time went by, the heavier the potatoes seemed to have become. To make the matter worse, those carved potatoes also started to rot and smell bad. It was such an unpleasant experience for the disciples. At the end of the week, the Master asked, "So, what did you learn?" At once the disciples told the Master that they now realized that holding on to grudges only brought negativity to them. Asked how they should go about correcting it, the youngsters said they should strive their best to forgive everyone that used to cross them and made them angry. The Master then asked, "What if someone crosses you again after you unload this present load of potatoes?" The disciples suddenly felt terrified at the thought of having to start all over again with new potatoes, week after week. "What can we do if there are still other people crossing us? We cannot control what other people do to us!" they confessed. At which point the Master replied, "So far we only discussed the conventional way to approach forgiveness, that is, to strive to forgive. Striving is difficult. In Zen, there is no striving." Seeing the disciples completely at a loss then, the Master further suggested, "If the negative feelings are the potatoes, what is the sack?" The disciples finally grasped it. "Ah, the sack is something that allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is my inflated sense of self-importance!" replied one of them. And that was the lesson of this story. Once we learn how to let go of the sack, whatever people say or do against us would no longer matter. In Zen, forgiveness is the conscious decision to get rid of the sack/sense of self-importance altogether, not just the potatoes/negative feelings. With the understanding of Zen, Life suddenly becomes effortless, elegant, and natural. Get rid of the sack, and there will be no more rotten potatoes. Even if we, lesser mortals, as we may erroneously imagine, stop carving potatoes, it is a small, humble beginning. But those of us who believe in a strategic, planned, precise approach to Life, may want to consider forgiveness as a tool and not just a spiritual concept. Former American President Bill Clinton once shared what he learned from Nelson Mandela on forgiveness. In one meeting of the two men, Clinton asked, "I wonder what you must have felt towards your jailers when you were walking out of that prison after those 27 years. Weren't you angry at them?" "Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid," answered Mandela. "After all, I've not been free in so long." "But," he added, "when I felt that anger welling up inside me, I realized that if I continue to hate them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me." With a smile, Mandela concluded, "I wanted to be free, so I let it go."
So, for the thinking, strategizing, master-craftsmen and wonderful upwardly-mobile wise women of the modern world, I would say, choose forgiveness to be liberated, to be free. Also consider forgiveness as a form of offence in today’s world. A peaceful resistance to the crude, unethical practices that attempt to derail you, your career and your Life. None of this is my original hypothesis, let me hasten to clarify. Here are the words of Christ found in his teaching in Matthew 5-38-48: “But I say to you , love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you.” Loving someone who loves you is easy. Loving someone who hates you is difficult. So, whether it is a challenge like an exciting new electronic game (like Angry Birds!) or a form of offence or a tool to freedom, forgiveness makes imminent sense. Only, of course, if you want it to!
March 28, 2015
What a Sunday really means and is meant for
Pause. Reflect. Repair. Restart.
This is what a Sunday is supposed to be used for. This is the real meaning of Sunday. For most Christians, Sunday is observed as a day for worship of God and rest, due to the belief that it is Lord's Day, the day of Christ's resurrection. It perhaps derives from the Hebrew Sabbath or a Sabbath, which is again generally a weekly day of rest or time of worship. While Sunday is considered a day of rest in most Western and Eastern countries, in most Muslim countries and in Israel, Sunday is a working day. They take their Sabbath on Fridays. The important thing is not what day of the week, per the English weekly calendar, a Sabbath is taken. What is important is it is taken.
Do we take a Sabbath? Do we pause, reflect, repair and restart with fresh vigor? Or do we laze, drowse, feast and snooze on Sundays? Nothing wrong with the lazing and snoozing, except, when done mindfully, even that is a process of rejuvenation. But we are hardly mindful. True divinity, real repair of the soul, is experienced through mindfulness.
Here’s a story to illustrate this point. A priest went to Japan to study in a Zen monastery. He said that after sitting in meditation for long hours his legs would often begin to ache terribly. The Master advised him on the proper procedure and then asked what practice he was following in meditation. The priest explained that he was sitting silently in the presence of “God” without words or thoughts or images or ideas. The Master then asked if his God was everywhere. The priest nodded his head, "yes." He asked if he was wrapped around in God, and the answer again was yes. "Very good, very good," said the Master. "Continue this way. Just keep on. And eventually you will find that “God” will disappear and only you will remain." The priest was offended by this logic, for it sounded like a denial of his sacred beliefs. He contradicted the Master and said, "God will not disappear. But I might disappear and only God will be left." "Yes, yes," the Master agreed, smiling. "It's the same thing. That is what I mean."
Indeed. That’s what a true Sabbath really means. That’s what a Sunday is for. For you to discover the God in you. For you to pause, reflect, repair and restart. And not for you to bury yourself, wearily, warily and slothfully. It is a time and opportunity for intense mindfulness, for filling our souls with bliss, for recharging our batteries. When we do this, we will find the God within. As Kabir, the 15th Century weaver-poet, has so beautifully said. “Jaise Til Mein Tel Hai, Jyon Chakmak Mein Aag, Tera Sayeen Tujh Mein Hai, Tu Jaag Sake To Jaag”. [Just as seed contains the oil, fire's in flint stone. Your temple seats the Divine, realize if you can]”
So, use this Sunday intelligently for your Sabbath. Your temple seats the Divine. Invest this Sunday to realize your true Self__the Divine!
This is what a Sunday is supposed to be used for. This is the real meaning of Sunday. For most Christians, Sunday is observed as a day for worship of God and rest, due to the belief that it is Lord's Day, the day of Christ's resurrection. It perhaps derives from the Hebrew Sabbath or a Sabbath, which is again generally a weekly day of rest or time of worship. While Sunday is considered a day of rest in most Western and Eastern countries, in most Muslim countries and in Israel, Sunday is a working day. They take their Sabbath on Fridays. The important thing is not what day of the week, per the English weekly calendar, a Sabbath is taken. What is important is it is taken. Do we take a Sabbath? Do we pause, reflect, repair and restart with fresh vigor? Or do we laze, drowse, feast and snooze on Sundays? Nothing wrong with the lazing and snoozing, except, when done mindfully, even that is a process of rejuvenation. But we are hardly mindful. True divinity, real repair of the soul, is experienced through mindfulness.
Here’s a story to illustrate this point. A priest went to Japan to study in a Zen monastery. He said that after sitting in meditation for long hours his legs would often begin to ache terribly. The Master advised him on the proper procedure and then asked what practice he was following in meditation. The priest explained that he was sitting silently in the presence of “God” without words or thoughts or images or ideas. The Master then asked if his God was everywhere. The priest nodded his head, "yes." He asked if he was wrapped around in God, and the answer again was yes. "Very good, very good," said the Master. "Continue this way. Just keep on. And eventually you will find that “God” will disappear and only you will remain." The priest was offended by this logic, for it sounded like a denial of his sacred beliefs. He contradicted the Master and said, "God will not disappear. But I might disappear and only God will be left." "Yes, yes," the Master agreed, smiling. "It's the same thing. That is what I mean."
Indeed. That’s what a true Sabbath really means. That’s what a Sunday is for. For you to discover the God in you. For you to pause, reflect, repair and restart. And not for you to bury yourself, wearily, warily and slothfully. It is a time and opportunity for intense mindfulness, for filling our souls with bliss, for recharging our batteries. When we do this, we will find the God within. As Kabir, the 15th Century weaver-poet, has so beautifully said. “Jaise Til Mein Tel Hai, Jyon Chakmak Mein Aag, Tera Sayeen Tujh Mein Hai, Tu Jaag Sake To Jaag”. [Just as seed contains the oil, fire's in flint stone. Your temple seats the Divine, realize if you can]”
So, use this Sunday intelligently for your Sabbath. Your temple seats the Divine. Invest this Sunday to realize your true Self__the Divine!
Accept your brutal reality – only then can you hope to change it.
However unpalatable the truth may be, once you accept it, you can work on changing it. This applies in all contexts to all of us.
Image Courtesy: Outlook Magazine WebsiteIn a recent issue of Outlook, Tarun Tejpal, founder-editor of Tehelka and a former Managing Editor of Outlook, pays a beautiful tribute to his former boss Vinod Mehta who passed away earlier this month. Tejpal is facing charges of rape in a Goa court filed by a former colleague, a young lady who was also his daughter’s best friend. I have always been a great admirer of Tejpal the writer and the journalist. He was a senior colleague of mine when I was in India Today between 1990 and 1992. So, naturally, I was keen to read what he had to say about another man I greatly admired – who doesn’t? – Vinod Mehta. The tribute was vintage Tejpal – carefully chosen words to describe a man that few people can claim they knew personally and closely; each sentence painting a mental picture of the ‘last great editor’ in the reader’s mind. But what I liked most was Tejpal, with brutal honesty, referring to the six months he spent in prison (in Goa, on account of the rape charges levelled against him). He referred to his incarceration as he would refer to any other aspect of his Life – very matter of fact, ‘you-know-what…it-happened’ type. Now, given the salacious overtone that a rape charge invokes, it is possible that people may rush to conclude that Tejpal is brazen, that he is pig-headed and that he is being cold-blooded in his approach to his Life and the charges he faces. But I see in Tejpal the rare ability to confront and accept a brutal reality – that he is accused of rape; that he has to prove his innocence and until then public and popular sentiment will hold against him; yet his other Life – as a writer, a journalist, a family man, a father, son, husband and brother – must go on. What’s remarkable is that Tejpal, it appears to me, is both ready and willing to face Life squarely and deal with each aspect of it on the merit of the reality that lies in front of him!
To be sure, not many can do that. Most of us, when under pressure in Life, prefer to hide behind the shadows. We are either refusing to accept our realities or even if we accept them, we are unwilling to face people – and Life. When you don’t accept what is, and either keep justifying why things have happened the way they have or keep running away from facing the reality, you suffer. Tejpal teaches us that no matter what, Life has to be faced. In a way, your past actions do cause your realities. Or circumstances, events and people conspire to create them. But no matter how or why things happen to you, unless you accept what has happened as your current, final, non-negotiable, reality, you cannot hope to change it. What comes between you and acceptance is an imagined fear of social judgment, reprisal and ostracism. What- will-people-say almost always clouds the what-can-and-must-I-do-now thinking! The only way to deal with such fears and feelings is to know that no matter who created the mess, the one on whom the mess has arrived alone has to clear it up! And, without doubt, all change, all clearing up, begins with first accepting the mess for what it is.
Image Courtesy: Outlook Magazine WebsiteIn a recent issue of Outlook, Tarun Tejpal, founder-editor of Tehelka and a former Managing Editor of Outlook, pays a beautiful tribute to his former boss Vinod Mehta who passed away earlier this month. Tejpal is facing charges of rape in a Goa court filed by a former colleague, a young lady who was also his daughter’s best friend. I have always been a great admirer of Tejpal the writer and the journalist. He was a senior colleague of mine when I was in India Today between 1990 and 1992. So, naturally, I was keen to read what he had to say about another man I greatly admired – who doesn’t? – Vinod Mehta. The tribute was vintage Tejpal – carefully chosen words to describe a man that few people can claim they knew personally and closely; each sentence painting a mental picture of the ‘last great editor’ in the reader’s mind. But what I liked most was Tejpal, with brutal honesty, referring to the six months he spent in prison (in Goa, on account of the rape charges levelled against him). He referred to his incarceration as he would refer to any other aspect of his Life – very matter of fact, ‘you-know-what…it-happened’ type. Now, given the salacious overtone that a rape charge invokes, it is possible that people may rush to conclude that Tejpal is brazen, that he is pig-headed and that he is being cold-blooded in his approach to his Life and the charges he faces. But I see in Tejpal the rare ability to confront and accept a brutal reality – that he is accused of rape; that he has to prove his innocence and until then public and popular sentiment will hold against him; yet his other Life – as a writer, a journalist, a family man, a father, son, husband and brother – must go on. What’s remarkable is that Tejpal, it appears to me, is both ready and willing to face Life squarely and deal with each aspect of it on the merit of the reality that lies in front of him! To be sure, not many can do that. Most of us, when under pressure in Life, prefer to hide behind the shadows. We are either refusing to accept our realities or even if we accept them, we are unwilling to face people – and Life. When you don’t accept what is, and either keep justifying why things have happened the way they have or keep running away from facing the reality, you suffer. Tejpal teaches us that no matter what, Life has to be faced. In a way, your past actions do cause your realities. Or circumstances, events and people conspire to create them. But no matter how or why things happen to you, unless you accept what has happened as your current, final, non-negotiable, reality, you cannot hope to change it. What comes between you and acceptance is an imagined fear of social judgment, reprisal and ostracism. What- will-people-say almost always clouds the what-can-and-must-I-do-now thinking! The only way to deal with such fears and feelings is to know that no matter who created the mess, the one on whom the mess has arrived alone has to clear it up! And, without doubt, all change, all clearing up, begins with first accepting the mess for what it is.
March 27, 2015
Don’t fall for the bait and get attached to outcomes – stay detached!
Stay detached from the outcome of your efforts and you will be at peace. Detachment really means to be unmoved in any situation – success or failure, victory or defeat.
Picture Courtesy: The New Indian Express/InternetTeam India’s Captain Cool, M.S.Dhoni, reminded us yesterday, yet again, why he is such a rare human being, player and leader. After India’s comprehensive defeat at the hands of the Aussies in Sydney in the 2015 ICC World Cup semi-final on Thursday night, Dhoni said: “Of course we are disappointed not to be in the final, but then only one team can win. Australia played better cricket today (Thursday). The Cup did not belong to us. We took it from someone and someone else will take it from us. If we had played better cricket on this particular day, we would have won." This is the simplest, most logical explanation anyone can give in any situation like the one India finds itself in – they played a great World Cup campaign, winning seven out of seven games until losing in the semi-final. Also, when you do badly and lose a game, there are only learnings, never justifications. And finally, staying detached – as Dhoni is and has always been – from the outcome is the best way to preserve and nurture your inner peace.
Indeed, like sports, Life too is competitive. But no matter how hard you work, and how ethical you are, there will be times when you will not get what you want or perhaps even deserve. And there will be other times when you will be successful. In either situation, stay detached. Remember this: Life happens through us, never because of us. So, when we succeed at what we are trying to achieve, stay unaffected by the accolades. And when you fail at something, or rather when someone else succeeds in your place, choose again to remain unruffled. In the game of Life, someone will necessarily have to win. And it need not always have to be you!
To be sure, however, on the spiritual plane, success and failure, victory and defeat, mean nothing. Everything is transient, everything is a mere experience, and if you pause to reflect deeply, everything is an impermanent illusionary experience! So, don’t fall for the bait and get attached to outcomes – stay detached. In any situation, you have only your efforts to focus on and count on. Here’s how you deal with your efforts:
- Good efforts and you succeed at the task – take it easy- Poor efforts and you succeed at the task – take it easy- Good efforts and you fail at the task – take it easy- Poor efforts and you fail at the task – take it easy
Take it easy every which way. Learn every single time. Remember this too: as Dhoni recounted and the Bhagavad Gita says, “Nothing belongs to you. And nothing will be with you forever. What is yours belonged to someone else yesterday and will belong to yet another tomorrow!” So, s tay detached. Stay in peace.
Picture Courtesy: The New Indian Express/InternetTeam India’s Captain Cool, M.S.Dhoni, reminded us yesterday, yet again, why he is such a rare human being, player and leader. After India’s comprehensive defeat at the hands of the Aussies in Sydney in the 2015 ICC World Cup semi-final on Thursday night, Dhoni said: “Of course we are disappointed not to be in the final, but then only one team can win. Australia played better cricket today (Thursday). The Cup did not belong to us. We took it from someone and someone else will take it from us. If we had played better cricket on this particular day, we would have won." This is the simplest, most logical explanation anyone can give in any situation like the one India finds itself in – they played a great World Cup campaign, winning seven out of seven games until losing in the semi-final. Also, when you do badly and lose a game, there are only learnings, never justifications. And finally, staying detached – as Dhoni is and has always been – from the outcome is the best way to preserve and nurture your inner peace. Indeed, like sports, Life too is competitive. But no matter how hard you work, and how ethical you are, there will be times when you will not get what you want or perhaps even deserve. And there will be other times when you will be successful. In either situation, stay detached. Remember this: Life happens through us, never because of us. So, when we succeed at what we are trying to achieve, stay unaffected by the accolades. And when you fail at something, or rather when someone else succeeds in your place, choose again to remain unruffled. In the game of Life, someone will necessarily have to win. And it need not always have to be you!
To be sure, however, on the spiritual plane, success and failure, victory and defeat, mean nothing. Everything is transient, everything is a mere experience, and if you pause to reflect deeply, everything is an impermanent illusionary experience! So, don’t fall for the bait and get attached to outcomes – stay detached. In any situation, you have only your efforts to focus on and count on. Here’s how you deal with your efforts:
- Good efforts and you succeed at the task – take it easy- Poor efforts and you succeed at the task – take it easy- Good efforts and you fail at the task – take it easy- Poor efforts and you fail at the task – take it easy
Take it easy every which way. Learn every single time. Remember this too: as Dhoni recounted and the Bhagavad Gita says, “Nothing belongs to you. And nothing will be with you forever. What is yours belonged to someone else yesterday and will belong to yet another tomorrow!” So, s tay detached. Stay in peace.
March 25, 2015
Focus on the issue, never on the person
Focus on the issue on hand. Never on the people connected with it or on the sentiments that they express.
Life’s full of challenges. Some of them involve the interactions we have with people. There are some whom we can never escape immediately. Like a short-tempered boss. Or a temperamental adolescent. Or a depressive spouse. Or an irritating neighbor. When we start wondering why is someone behaving in such a manner, we lose the plot__and therefore the opportunity to seek a resolution or find a win-win platform for both parties. Know that people are different. And it is in people’s nature to be the way they are. Each of us is created differently. And so is the person you are having a challenge interacting with. So, if you look at the person and grieve saying she or he does not meet your expectation, it is an exercise in futility. For example, if you expect your boss to be polite and dignified with you__when he is incapable of such niceties__you will suffer. Instead understand that the issue you have is with the way you are being treated. And if you don’t like it, you must find yourself a new boss! Meaning, a new job. Simple! Don’t grieve over the current one. Similarly, a teenager behaving irresponsibly at home is reflective of her adolescence and not a sign of any disrespect to you nor is this pointing to your failing in your duty to bring her up well.
There’s a saying in cricket: “Play the ball, not the bowler.” And we will all do well to remember this in all situations in Life. When we respect the issue, the situation, and give it all the attention it deserves, irrespective of who is causing it, we will always find solutions __ and peace!
Life’s full of challenges. Some of them involve the interactions we have with people. There are some whom we can never escape immediately. Like a short-tempered boss. Or a temperamental adolescent. Or a depressive spouse. Or an irritating neighbor. When we start wondering why is someone behaving in such a manner, we lose the plot__and therefore the opportunity to seek a resolution or find a win-win platform for both parties. Know that people are different. And it is in people’s nature to be the way they are. Each of us is created differently. And so is the person you are having a challenge interacting with. So, if you look at the person and grieve saying she or he does not meet your expectation, it is an exercise in futility. For example, if you expect your boss to be polite and dignified with you__when he is incapable of such niceties__you will suffer. Instead understand that the issue you have is with the way you are being treated. And if you don’t like it, you must find yourself a new boss! Meaning, a new job. Simple! Don’t grieve over the current one. Similarly, a teenager behaving irresponsibly at home is reflective of her adolescence and not a sign of any disrespect to you nor is this pointing to your failing in your duty to bring her up well. There’s a saying in cricket: “Play the ball, not the bowler.” And we will all do well to remember this in all situations in Life. When we respect the issue, the situation, and give it all the attention it deserves, irrespective of who is causing it, we will always find solutions __ and peace!
March 24, 2015
Drop anger, grief and guilt to be free from suffering
Suffering comes from anger, grief and guilt. Drop these emotions and you will be free from suffering even if you are in intense pain.
Yesterday, I addressed women belonging to an international association. I delivered my
‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’
Talk (also a book by me with the same name published by Westland last year). I shared our story of self-realization and awakening, of how my family and I found that it was possible to be happy despite our circumstances – a numbing bankruptcy which left us penniless. I confessed to how a series poor decisions I took with our consulting business had landed my family in abject penury. I narrated how, on one occasion, I could not even buy my daughter a text book, that cost Rs.450 (US $ 9.00), she needed at college. A lady in the audience, who was much more senior to me in age, asked me in utter disbelief: “Are you not feeling ashamed and guilty? Isn’t it your duty as a parent to be providing for your child? Aren’t you a loser?” I found her question most logical. Of course, this is how the mind – led by social expectations – classifies people and situations. If you have made mistakes and not fulfilled your moral and financial obligations you must be ashamed, you must feel guilty and you are indeed a loser. Having said that, I shared with the audience the burden that these three emotions – anger, grief and guilt – can bring you to bear. I said: “It is natural to feel angry and ask, in any context, why, why me and why me now? It is natural to feel anguish and grief over what has happened. It is natural to feel guilty over your actions, over what you may have done – or not done – to have brought you to a precipitous point in your Life. But of what use are these three emotions? While they may awaken you to an extent, while they may help you realize your mistake and learn from it, continuing to hold on to them can only lead to depression. And you cannot solve any problem while being depressed. In fact, depression will then be a new problem for you to deal with.” So I reiterated that I carried no guilt, I felt no grief and I was angry no more.
I am not sure the lady found my perspective convincing. The truth is Life’s learnings can be internalized more from experience than by logical reasoning. This is what I have learnt from Life. We all suffer when we find ourselves in situations we did not expect to see ourselves in. But what’s the point in hating a situation that you are in? Irrespective of whether you caused the situation or someone else did, the bottomline is that you have a situation. Being angry with it, feeling sorry over it and feeling guilty about your role in creating it, cannot make an unwelcome, awful situation go away. Always, accepting Life for what it is, accepting your current reality, internalizing what the experience has taught you, only that can help you stay free from suffering. When you are not suffering you can focus on finding solutions to the problems you face. These solutions may not always be instantly available, the problems themselves may not go away soon either, but your ability to hang in there, your ability to deal with a situation will be enhanced greatly when you are free from suffering.
There is no winning or losing, there is no success or failure, there are no winners and losers in Life. These are all labels that society pins on you. They mean nothing. If you pay heed to what society is telling you, you will either be struck by hubris (insolent pride) or you will be felled by depression. I have experienced both these states and I know how meaningless both of them are. The best state to be in in Life is to be in the now. Face the Life you have. Don’t get swayed by what’s happening around you. Stay anchored. Stay strong. Drop anger, grief and guilt to be free from all suffering!
Yesterday, I addressed women belonging to an international association. I delivered my
‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’
Talk (also a book by me with the same name published by Westland last year). I shared our story of self-realization and awakening, of how my family and I found that it was possible to be happy despite our circumstances – a numbing bankruptcy which left us penniless. I confessed to how a series poor decisions I took with our consulting business had landed my family in abject penury. I narrated how, on one occasion, I could not even buy my daughter a text book, that cost Rs.450 (US $ 9.00), she needed at college. A lady in the audience, who was much more senior to me in age, asked me in utter disbelief: “Are you not feeling ashamed and guilty? Isn’t it your duty as a parent to be providing for your child? Aren’t you a loser?” I found her question most logical. Of course, this is how the mind – led by social expectations – classifies people and situations. If you have made mistakes and not fulfilled your moral and financial obligations you must be ashamed, you must feel guilty and you are indeed a loser. Having said that, I shared with the audience the burden that these three emotions – anger, grief and guilt – can bring you to bear. I said: “It is natural to feel angry and ask, in any context, why, why me and why me now? It is natural to feel anguish and grief over what has happened. It is natural to feel guilty over your actions, over what you may have done – or not done – to have brought you to a precipitous point in your Life. But of what use are these three emotions? While they may awaken you to an extent, while they may help you realize your mistake and learn from it, continuing to hold on to them can only lead to depression. And you cannot solve any problem while being depressed. In fact, depression will then be a new problem for you to deal with.” So I reiterated that I carried no guilt, I felt no grief and I was angry no more. I am not sure the lady found my perspective convincing. The truth is Life’s learnings can be internalized more from experience than by logical reasoning. This is what I have learnt from Life. We all suffer when we find ourselves in situations we did not expect to see ourselves in. But what’s the point in hating a situation that you are in? Irrespective of whether you caused the situation or someone else did, the bottomline is that you have a situation. Being angry with it, feeling sorry over it and feeling guilty about your role in creating it, cannot make an unwelcome, awful situation go away. Always, accepting Life for what it is, accepting your current reality, internalizing what the experience has taught you, only that can help you stay free from suffering. When you are not suffering you can focus on finding solutions to the problems you face. These solutions may not always be instantly available, the problems themselves may not go away soon either, but your ability to hang in there, your ability to deal with a situation will be enhanced greatly when you are free from suffering.
There is no winning or losing, there is no success or failure, there are no winners and losers in Life. These are all labels that society pins on you. They mean nothing. If you pay heed to what society is telling you, you will either be struck by hubris (insolent pride) or you will be felled by depression. I have experienced both these states and I know how meaningless both of them are. The best state to be in in Life is to be in the now. Face the Life you have. Don’t get swayed by what’s happening around you. Stay anchored. Stay strong. Drop anger, grief and guilt to be free from all suffering!
March 23, 2015
Grief comes from postponing to deal with an uncomfortable situation
Turn around and face the reality. Life is like darkness. The more you run away from it, the more it will haunt you. But you face it, and it will be bliss.
As kids we were all afraid of dark rooms. Or of stray dogs on the street (especially in India). As long as we feared the dark rooms, we were haunted by their mere thought. And as for the dogs, the moment we run from them, they start following us. Tormenting us. And if we were to just turn around, freeze and stare at them, they would whine and slink away. So, it is with Life’s realities. Often uncomfortable, disgusting and yet, hopelessly, real situations. Don’t hide from them. Face them. When you face up to a situation, it will stop haunting you. It will not change. But the fear will evaporate. And you will just be left with the reality.
Let’s say, you are extremely uncomfortable with the way someone is behaving with you. And for dignity’s sake, for retaining cordiality, you are not saying what you feel about this person to him or her. And prefer to grin and bear. Yet this is making you very sick of the person and of the situation. Over a period of time, discomfort has morphed into dread. This is when you must turn around and face things – and the person. Prefer always to be direct and therefore be understood than be dignified and be interpreted. It is like the age old saying: “I give credit, I go mad. I give no credit, you go mad. Better you go mad.” Similarly, your postponing dealing with an uncomfortable situation will make you grieve. But when you get it off your chest, when you say what you are feeling, you may cause the situation discomfort and may even cause the person who created the situation some discomfort, you will always lead everyone concerned to an eventual pedestal of peace and understanding. That’s where you__and your world__eventually need to arrive.
In the end, what matters is peace. Just peace.
As kids we were all afraid of dark rooms. Or of stray dogs on the street (especially in India). As long as we feared the dark rooms, we were haunted by their mere thought. And as for the dogs, the moment we run from them, they start following us. Tormenting us. And if we were to just turn around, freeze and stare at them, they would whine and slink away. So, it is with Life’s realities. Often uncomfortable, disgusting and yet, hopelessly, real situations. Don’t hide from them. Face them. When you face up to a situation, it will stop haunting you. It will not change. But the fear will evaporate. And you will just be left with the reality.
Let’s say, you are extremely uncomfortable with the way someone is behaving with you. And for dignity’s sake, for retaining cordiality, you are not saying what you feel about this person to him or her. And prefer to grin and bear. Yet this is making you very sick of the person and of the situation. Over a period of time, discomfort has morphed into dread. This is when you must turn around and face things – and the person. Prefer always to be direct and therefore be understood than be dignified and be interpreted. It is like the age old saying: “I give credit, I go mad. I give no credit, you go mad. Better you go mad.” Similarly, your postponing dealing with an uncomfortable situation will make you grieve. But when you get it off your chest, when you say what you are feeling, you may cause the situation discomfort and may even cause the person who created the situation some discomfort, you will always lead everyone concerned to an eventual pedestal of peace and understanding. That’s where you__and your world__eventually need to arrive.
In the end, what matters is peace. Just peace.
March 22, 2015
Shake off the sheep’s cloak, go on…be a lion!
Understand yourself. That’s more important than having others understand you. Believe in yourself. That’s more productive than insisting that others believe you.
But as humans we do just the opposite. We crave for being understood by others and lament the lack of faith others have in us. What use is anyone else’s understanding if you don’t know, don’t realize, don’t accept that you are special. That you are capable. That you have been created to enjoy this lifetime and not suffer it? It is from awareness of your true Self that you will be introduced to the God within. Most of us just refuse to consider the argument that the energy that powers us, that keeps us alive, is the God we so desperately seek. Hence the lack of self-belief. Swami Vivekananda, the 19thCentury Indian thinker says, ““He is an atheist who does not believe in himself.” This really is the most profound, yet simplest, definition of who we are. And if we understand this reality, we will be able to truly leverage the opportunity in front of us__which is on offer in the form of this lifetime, each day, each hour, and in each moment!
Our perception of ourselves, reveals our lack of understanding of our true Self. If we think we are inadequate, we behave steeped in scarcity thinking. If we think we are fully endowed we behave confidently like kings, like lions. To be sure, each of us is created equal and is soaked in abundance. Osho, the Master, says in his book, ‘One Seed Makes The Whole Earth Green’, “And every one of you is born a lion, but society goes on conditioning you, programming your mind as a sheep. It gives you a personality, a cozy personality, nice, very convenient, very obedient. Society wants slaves, not people who are absolutely dedicated to freedom. Society wants slaves because all the vested interests want obedience. Society cannot tolerate individuality, because individuality will not follow like a sheep. Individuality has the quality of the lion; the lion moves alone. The sheep are always in the crowd, hoping that being in the crowd will feel cozy. Being in the crowd one feels more protected, secure. If somebody attacks, there is every possibility in a crowd to save yourself. But alone? - only the lions move alone.”
So, that’s what you are – a lion, but because you are cloaked in sheep’s clothing, we have started imagining that we are incapable of being successful, being happy, being free, being bliss! To discover your true Self, shake that cloak off. Realize yourself. Arise…Awake…Go on, be a lion….!
But as humans we do just the opposite. We crave for being understood by others and lament the lack of faith others have in us. What use is anyone else’s understanding if you don’t know, don’t realize, don’t accept that you are special. That you are capable. That you have been created to enjoy this lifetime and not suffer it? It is from awareness of your true Self that you will be introduced to the God within. Most of us just refuse to consider the argument that the energy that powers us, that keeps us alive, is the God we so desperately seek. Hence the lack of self-belief. Swami Vivekananda, the 19thCentury Indian thinker says, ““He is an atheist who does not believe in himself.” This really is the most profound, yet simplest, definition of who we are. And if we understand this reality, we will be able to truly leverage the opportunity in front of us__which is on offer in the form of this lifetime, each day, each hour, and in each moment! Our perception of ourselves, reveals our lack of understanding of our true Self. If we think we are inadequate, we behave steeped in scarcity thinking. If we think we are fully endowed we behave confidently like kings, like lions. To be sure, each of us is created equal and is soaked in abundance. Osho, the Master, says in his book, ‘One Seed Makes The Whole Earth Green’, “And every one of you is born a lion, but society goes on conditioning you, programming your mind as a sheep. It gives you a personality, a cozy personality, nice, very convenient, very obedient. Society wants slaves, not people who are absolutely dedicated to freedom. Society wants slaves because all the vested interests want obedience. Society cannot tolerate individuality, because individuality will not follow like a sheep. Individuality has the quality of the lion; the lion moves alone. The sheep are always in the crowd, hoping that being in the crowd will feel cozy. Being in the crowd one feels more protected, secure. If somebody attacks, there is every possibility in a crowd to save yourself. But alone? - only the lions move alone.”
So, that’s what you are – a lion, but because you are cloaked in sheep’s clothing, we have started imagining that we are incapable of being successful, being happy, being free, being bliss! To discover your true Self, shake that cloak off. Realize yourself. Arise…Awake…Go on, be a lion….!
