P.E. Kavanagh's Blog, page 4

Thailand Tales – Slaying the Dragon

Just after Thanksgiving, I traveled to Thailand. Nearly a year ago, I gladly accepted the invitation to one of my favorite countries on the planet, but as the time approached I found it hard to tear myself away from my loved ones, celebrating my favorite holiday. The journey was long and challenging, an exercise in patience, compassion and surrender.

 

I travel to teach, learn, shake out habits and numbness, and create new rituals. (Salad for breakfast is my new favorite.)

 

I also do it to encounter people completely different than me, or those I choose to be around.

 

This is a women’s only retreat.

 

I am immediately reminded that women are especially good at hating each other. Perhaps because we’re especially good at hating ourselves. I see it every time I notice another woman eyeing me suspiciously or disdainfully. And certainly when I catch myself doing the same.

 

One particular woman reveals how challenged I am by people who can’t find stillness or peace, who are constantly anxious and frenetic. Each time I experience that button-pushing aversion, I am given the opportunity to see what is calling for love and compassion – that part within me that I have not allowed space, light and expression. When I can lift the veil of judgment and aversion, that is.

 

It is raining fiercely outside the yoga studio windows. The sound outcompetes anything the 22 moving, breathing bodies could create. Outside, everything is grayish white. It makes me emotional, as if I want to match the sky’s sobs with my own.

 

It is the kind of rain that is so intense, you know it cannot last. But for now, the message is sufficient and clear. I am drenched by how hard life can feel, and how many difficulties I’ve created for myself by resisting, by denying and by judging.

 

The rain is my model today. She says, “It’s time to wash yourself clean of that which does not serve.”

 

I see the false protection of rejecting others before they reject me.
I see myself allowing disturbance to consume me.
I see the repression of my own facets that I do not find acceptable, and then judging others for the same.

 

There are entire schools of psychology and spirituality dedicated to this analysis, or Shadow Work. When we integrate all our cast-off parts, the complex system that is ‘you’ tends to work much more efficiently. And painlessly.

 

But you cannot integrate what you haven’t acknowledged is there. So the first step is to see.

 

A Practice

 

The following questions are the first steps to understanding what triggers you. There are no right or wrong answers. Let’s allow the power of the inquiry to fertilize the bloom of your awareness and healing.

 

You can ask these questions during a peaceful time, maybe with a journal ready to capture the answers. You can ask these questions when the bear-trap of disturbance has a hold on you. Just ask.

 

What do you see in others or the world that bothers you?
What personality types make you bristle?
When do you fee disgust?
What is the personality of the parent you admired? The parent you feared? (Mine: cool and calm vs. erratic and enraged)
When do you feel the most judged?

 

 

A full, rich life is full of hard and messy parts. Perhaps it is our job to learn to navigate the obstacles with grace, and not compound them with our own resistance and loathing.

 

Be nice to yourself today. You deserve it.

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Aaaaah, What a Relief it Is

Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.
~Unknown

 

I don’t like to worry. It bothers me when I do it. And it really bothers me when other people do it.

 

I realize the futility of worry. I understand that it actually sickens the body. I know that it never leads to the outcome I desire.

 

And yet…

 

I recently spent the better part of a week in full-blown worry. (Some people around me might have called it panic.)

 

I consistently took positive action – researching, planning, and strategizing. I tried to stay reasonable, keep my head on straight and not devolve into an irrational blathering mess. I was not completely successful.

 

I prepared for the worst, which, thankfully did not happen.

 

The issue for which I had been preparing resolved itself. The tension I had been holding in my body that whole week, which had been preventing me from sleeping, eating properly and thinking clearly, dropped so quickly that I sat down on my living room couch and woke up four hours later.

 

Of course, in retrospect, I could see how silly it all was, and how I wasted those days of my precious life.

 

It’s commonly accepted that faith is the remedy to worry. That doesn’t actually sit so well with me. I have no doubt I live in a benevolent universe, and that everything that happens is for my best good. (Does this sound impossible?? Let’s talk.) But relying on nothing but faith feels a bit… airy. I’m looking for solid ground.

 

Which is why another practice fits the bill. Gratitude is the grandmother of all healing. ANY negative emotion or experience (anger, despair, resentment, fear, etc…) can be dissolved by the application of gratitude (in the same way darkness is effortlessly dispelled by light).

 

How can I be grateful for something that caused me pain? Because I got to feel it.

I got to experience a peak human sensation, courtesy of a heart, nervous system and brain that are still doing their jobs
I received the gift of care from people who love me
I was reminded of my own strength, resiliency and perseverance
Feeling anything is better than not, IMHO.

 

Most importantly… I got to CHOOSE to take the lesson I learned about my place on the path as a divine gift. Yup, I could CHOOSE to be grateful for what happened and how I reacted to it.

 

Why would I want to do that? Because it seeds my life with beauty, grace and the humility of knowing the frailness of life. At its core, this, my friends, is what gratitude is all about. It is the resistive force against the closing of one’s heart, and the sprinkle of sweetness when bitterness rises. Replacing worry with gratitude is the perfect antacid to the heartburn of life. (Tweet that.)

 

Those of us in the US are getting ready to gorge ourselves on food and family. (I’m testing out my new Brussels sprout and sweet potato hash. Yum!) Even if we’re faced with too much of either of those things, let’s not miss the opportunity to grab second or third helpings of gratitude. Goes with everything, and makes everything taste better. Kind of like almond butter.

 

I am deeply grateful for you. Yes, you. Thought I should let you know.

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Help! I Need Somebody…

Are you humming? I’ve never been the biggest Beatles fan (blasphemy, I know) but their tunes sure are catchy.

 

Back to the topic at hand.

 

How good are you at asking for help? How often do you default to the toddler’s battle cry: “I can do it BY MYSELF!”

 

Hmmm… I thought so.

 

We are the self-reliant generation. We know all about bootstrapping, getting it done, and being mavericks. We’ve sharpened and refined our ‘making it happen’ muscle while the support flesh has gotten flabby.

 

I’m a big fan of independence and autonomy. Probably too much. (It was the ultimate virtue in my family.) The realization of the gifts of receiving came much later, and in softer voices.

 

There was a cost to clutching tightly to my independent abilities, and being paralyzed by my fear of looking incapable.

 

There were many (many) events in my life that could have been negotiated more skillfully, gracefully and successfully if I would have sought help.
I would not have had to push myself to the breaking point over and over (and over) again.
I just couldn’t do everything I wanted to do

 

Here’s the one that I did not realize until much later:

 

I (selfishly) deprived the people around me of a great gift.

 

It’s not only about the opportunity to utilize and share their skills and talents; there’s also a biochemical component.

 

You know that feeling you get when you do something nice for someone (especially if it’s unsolicited)? Well, the people who help you get it too. And robbing them of that juicy hormonal rush (oxytocin, to be specific) is not nice. (Kind of like not sharing your good news or your fresh batch of almond cookies.)

 

There’s more… Being vulnerable enough to ask for help reveals the neediness of our human state. While this may be repulsive at first (as it was to me) it is the key to our connection and truth.

 

What exactly do we need? Here’s a short list:

 

We need the trees that give us air to breathe
We need the earth that grows our food
We need the other sentient beings who bring us connection and love
We need the challenges that grow our bodies and souls toward greater evolution

 

Acknowledging that we are not autonomous creatures is a big fat relief. It lifts the burden of believing we have to do everything for ourselves and by ourselves. It dispels the myth that keeps us feeling inadequate and incapable.

 

Asking for help can seem impossibly difficult, especially if you’ve bought into the party line that revealing neediness is a sign of weakness. But the courage required to stand in your vulnerability, and the ultimate frailty of being human, far outweighs that of keeping your needs to yourself.

 

Help is part of the continuum of giving and receiving, much like breathing. We take in and we give out. Participating in the nourishing cycle of helping and being helped increases global happiness. (Tweet that.)

 

Let’s ask for help, shall we? And receive it with gratitude, grace and generosity.

 

 

Hoping to match my life-saver to my nail polish ;).

 

 

BONUS:

Getting help, for the reluctant, resistant and pathologically independent:

Start small. Ask a friend to help you pick an outfit for a special event
Value your time. Trying to do everything is like saying your talents and desires don’t matter. Get help with the stuff that does not enhance your skills, your relationships or your soul.
Reframe your request as a gift to another. (Remember that joyful shot of oxytocin which feels amaaaazing!)

 

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I Don’t Wanna!

“The commitments we make to ourselves and to others, and our integrity to those commitments, is the essence and clearest manifestation of our proactivity.” ~ Stephen R. Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

 

Resistance is a bear, my friends. (Another B-word came to mind but I decided to keep it clean.)

 

One of my idols, Steven Pressfield, wrote a whole book about it (which I can’t recommend highly enough). If you want to go pick up a copy right now and read it instead of this post, I won’t mind.

 

And… we’re back.

 

You may have noticed it’s been quiet over at Feed Your Soul for a few weeks. Radio silent. I’ve written (and discarded) three lengthy articles that just felt… icky. I’ve begun countless posts, and berated myself for not honoring my commitment to post every week. I’ve felt like someone was building a huge brick wall between me and my responsibilities.

 

Ironic, since my last missive to you was about getting $#it done, even when mired in distraction. My personal distractions have been ranging from superb (my new love) to complex (book promotion and tour) to stinky (a house on the market that just won’t sell).

 

But life goes on, yes? There are parents, children, friends, a lover, clients, homes and businesses that require my fairly constant attention. There are deadlines, promises and obligations galore.

 

Next week I’ll be at a beautiful resort in Mexico, for a gig I booked a very long time ago. Sounds perfect, right? Except I don’t want to go. I’ll be missing my good friend’s 50th birthday, spending another week away from home and my loved ones, and likely unable to make any progress on the big projects I need to finish ASAP.

 

It feels ridiculous to complain about an opportunity that most people would consider a gift. But it doesn’t feel like a gift to me, because it’s no longer in line with my current desires, energy or goals. So I sit and stew and plot a way to slide out of a commitment that no longer serves me. I hear the voice of my friend, a gracious Southern gentleman, saying, “Suck it up, buttercup!”

 

This is not my first wrestling match with the I Don’t Wanna monster. We know each other quite well. The gruesome beast appears when my mind’s best-laid plans crash into my soul’s need for peace, space and rest. We recognize each other immediately, and glare.

 

Has I Don’t Wanna shown up recently in your life? In terms of social, family or career obligations? I’m guessing it has. We live in a world where there is always more to do (voluntarily or not) than time to do it. Being able to prioritize, and, more importantly, to say no (thank you) can be a critically important skill.

 

I know what it feels like – that gritty sense of resistance that leaves a pout on your lips and a furrow in your brow. And I can help you navigate through it.

 

I strongly believe everything is a choice. So I choose not to damage my reputation by breaking promises, or weasling out of obligations. I choose to honor what IS with grace. I choose to use any discomfort as the starting point to different decisions.

 

I can’t change the past, but the future is in my hands. And yours. (Tweet that!)

 

Help is here, if you’re done with feeling used and abused by your schedule, and unfulfilled by the long list of have-to’s. We’ve got big work to do – all of us! – and don’t need to be slain by the I Don’t Wanna monster.

 

There’s still time to make 2014 a smashing success. To go into 2015 feeling calmer, clearer and more at peace.

 

Click this link to let me know how I can help. Remember, the Lovemaking and Moneymaking private coaching special is still on. Get FIVE quick-start sessions for nearly half my current rate.

 

Now, I’m off to brush up on my Spanish. Adios, mi amigos.

The post I Don’t Wanna! appeared first on Feed Your Soul.

Lovemaking and Moneymaking

First of all, this is not a post about prostitution.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

I’m in the most wonderful honeymoon period of a new love relationship. It has been downright distracting, to say the least.

Instead of doing my work, running my business or taking care of my house, I wanted to be with my honey, or even just sit and daydream about him. I felt like a lovestruck teenager. It’s been delicious, but not necessarily conducive to managing a multi-part, highly responsibility-driven life.

Have you experienced this? Maybe not with a new relationship, but perhaps with anything you find new, exciting, engaging and entertaining? (Writing parts of my novel also felt like this.)

What to do, you might ask, when you strongly want to engage in something other than what you are supposed to be doing?

The solution is not to apply your indomitable will, or handcuff yourself to your laptop.

Living in the world of dreaminess, pleasure and creativity makes you a nicer person to be around (your friends told me so) as well as providing fuel to your more serious pursuits. I am a more productive business owner, more in tune with the needs of my clients and community, when I stop fighting the distraction and let it inspire me.

Thankfully, I figured it out before going into full-scale panic about the work piling up around me. In that fresh space of better balance, a new idea to support you was born.

It’s a bite-sized program to get you back on track with your business or other responsibilities you might have, when the world is offering you an enticing distraction (which is always, isnt’ it?).

It’s a super easy (and affordable) way to get access to private coaching from me, in a manageable time frame, to get something important done by the end of the year. Because I strongly believe that the easiest way to start the year off right is to end it on an upswing. Regardless of the opiate of daydreams.

During our six sessions together, we’ll work on enjoying what’s pleasurable AND getting the important stuff done (like bringing in the cashola). I offer the best of what I’ve been successfully teaching for nearly a decade in terms of healing, habit upgrades, and learning how to turbo boost your creativity. We incorporate my fundamental principles around the sacred art of satisfaction, the divinity of pleasure and the impetus for expansion and expression.

The fun starts now, and we conclude by the fireworks that close off 2014.

I’m only taking 10 clients, as this will be an intensively personalized program, and I’m committed to getting everybody rockin’ and rollin’. And I’m going to make it simple… no big sales pitch or marketing message. Just click here to get in touch and I’ll get you the details ASAP.

Now, I’m off to make a sexy and nourishing dinner with my man. That’s what I call feeding my soul…

 

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The love child of pleasure and purpose is passion. (Tweet that.)

 

Are you ready to say yes to living your dreams, but you’re just not sure how or where to begin? And you find yourself constantly wondering…Is this really it? Is this ALL there IS?

In less than one week, my fellow passion devotee (and soulful sister) Mary Shackelford  is kicking off an amazing telesummit on my favorite topic EVER, featuring yours truly. I would looooove to see you there, not only for my interview on 10/16, but for all the other leaders and teachers. You’ll get a wide variety of perspectives on passion, and more importantly, how to bring it fully into your own life.

All the details can be found here. Can’t wait to get the party started.

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Bringing the Inside Out

Characters have been battling it out for airtime in my brain and through my fingers.

The follow-up to my novel, which is half-written, is pulling me like a buggy behind a pack of horses.

From nowhere (actually from a sexy dream ;)), came a whole new set of characters, in their own story. (A mystery writer, a hot neurologist, and a gay couple meet on a cruise.) That’s the one that’s woken me out of a deep sleep and kept my fingers tapping for hours and hours everyday.

Of course, there’s the serious writing, with deadlines and expectations from a variety of sources, that also needs to get done.

Sometimes my characters are born from my dreams and imaginings. Sometimes they are the actual human beings whose suffering compels me to create an article, audio or course. Sometimes it’s just me, wanting to be seen and heard.

How to manage all these stories and lessons that want to pour out of me at the same time?

The only solution is to talk to them. My characters, that is. My stories, even.

Which one feels the most ephemeral and needs to be captured ASAP, lest it vanish into thin air? (It’s been known to happen.) Which one can stand a bit more time in the oven, to stew and rise and meld into deliciousness? Which one will have the greatest positive impact on the most people?

They always answer me nicely, no matter how chaotic the initial discussions began. All that’s left is for me to plug in, buckle up, and let myself be carried by mermaids, architects, writers, neurologists, kitchen counters, starched sheets, stilettos, and a single mom with big dreams and too many words.

It’s a lesson in allowing. In letting go of ‘shoulds’ long enough to surrender to our need to create. You may think artistry can only be accessed by artists without realizing that we are all artists. In our kitchens, offices, bedrooms and with those who long to see us fully expressed.

How to bring an idea to life?

Listen. Just listen.

Underneath the din of a full, busy life always lies the small voice of our creative impulse. All the characters that lie within us (even when those characters are ourselves) long to tell us their stories, to be acknowledged and perhaps even documented.

To create is to say yes to their whispers. Whether we are drawn to words on a page, colors on a canvas, notes on a stanza, or a form unique to you, the impulse is always there. It rarely appears when convenient, but always in perfect time.

Have you noticed what your creativity sounds like? Have you noticed when it’s most conspicuous? (The shower seems to be a popular space.) Have you let the seedlings of your imagination take hold and root?

Perhaps today is the day that you choose not to disregard the stories your soul wants to tell, the solutions it proposes and the love it wants to share.

Will you heed the call? How about right now?

 

The post Bringing the Inside Out appeared first on Feed Your Soul.

Living a Passion-Filled Life

I just returned from the first real retreat I’ve had in over a decade. One where I had no access to my treasured internet and devices. I thought I would go through withdrawal, but I easily forgot all about my lack of connectivity while surrounded by remarkable natural beauty and loved ones.

I ate food that came from the hands and gardens of the people around me. I steered our little blue boat along the tranquil lake, neck craned to take in the awesome vistas of mountains, majestic trees and glass-like water. I giggled fiercely when dipping my body into the water that looked Caribbean and felt Arctic. I woke when I wanted to and went to sleep when I wanted to. I laughed until my sides ached, I faced some deep fears hiking off-trail and I did yoga in a field of stones.

(Check out the rest of the photos here.)

I trusted that the people and things for which I am responsible (back in the ‘real’ world) were being cared for just as well as I could do.

It was a miraculous experience of embracing and surrendering, of allowing my inner desires to be fulfilled and the passion that is often squelched in everyday life to be fully expressed. (The fact that I was with my beloved didn’t hurt at all, either.)

The time away was wonderful, of course, but the feeling of re-connecting to my passion for this beautiful life was priceless. It’s something I believe we can all use.

Are you looking for a passion-recharge? I’ve got something for you…

I am honored to be participating in the upcoming Passion Starter Series, a telesummit bringing together a kick-ass group of women committed to leading passionate lives. I would be delighted if you would join me there. All the deets are below.

Offering my wildly beating heart to you,

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Connect with the Power of Your Passion

Do you feel the inner rumblings? You know, that deep knowing inside…that you are here to experience more in life?

Do you find yourself feeling like you have lost sight of your true self (or perhaps never really knew her to begin with)?

If you are a woman who feels her inner spark seems to barely be flickering, it is time to nourish the flame of your personal passions and desires…time to tune in… get clear and get to know yourself in a new way.

It is time to finally live the Life You Crave.

Grab your spot at this amazing upcoming event. Please join me for…

The Passion Starter Series
Passion. Peace. Presence. Pleasure
October 14 – October 24

Join me and a group of leaders and luminaries in this series that is dedicated to your ULTIMATE passionate life!

Connect with YOUR inner passions and desires. Reserve Your F.R.E.E Spot 

Here is a glimmer of what you will experience in this powerful series:

clarify what matters most to you and how to experience passion every day
learn proven steps to connect with your highest, wisest and most soulful self
access gateways to your most sensually empowered self and connect to a deeper, juicier you
understand the emotional and metabolic power of pleasure
experience techniques that will expand your mind and wow your body and spirit
feel confident showing up in the world as your authentic self

Each expert has amazing knowledge, unique gifts and practical tools that will trigger that deep reservoir of passion within you!

I can’t wait for you to join us in this intimate and energetically powerful online event of the fall. Come witness the power of your medicine and learn the learn tools YOU need to stay connected. The time is NOW to harness your inner passion and bring forth the joyful life just WAITING for you.

  Connect with YOUR inner passions and desires=> Reserve Your F.R.E.E Spot 

Dear soul, I have been there…in that space of holding back, not really believing that I could live the life of my dreams and desires. It’s painful. But believe me, when you get to the other side, life turns on…join me and this incredible gathering of leading visionaries to show YOU how to get in touch with that spark of passion that is meant to flow through you.

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Retreat, Renew, Restore

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
Marcel Proust

 

As this note hits your inbox, I’ll be in the middle of nowhere. Well, not nowhere. Actually in the middle of Ross Lake in Washington state. Which happens to be spectacularly free of cell or wifi signals.

I haven’t been completely incommunicado for a decade, I reckon. (And how do you like Latin and country all in the same sentence?) When the invitation came from my honey to spend this week away – REALLY AWAY – my answer was an unequivocal yes. Scared, of course, to be off the grid, my mind filled with a million ‘What ifs…’

My friends think I retreat more than any human being. But this… removed from the world (and my devices!)… is not something I do very often. To relinquish my tether to civilization and have faith that the world (and all the people who depend on me) will be fine without me for a few days makes me quiver.

But I’m doing it anyway. As we speak. Floating in a log cabin, taking the boat out for a daily ‘stroll’ around the lake, and letting the quiet wash away the frenzy of a very big life.

This is an edge for me, and we’ll have to see how I emerge – post retreat. Chances are very high that I will feel great – clean, clear, content.

I strongly believe we all need a bit of this in our lives. Hitting the reset button on our routines and rituals helps give us perspective to know whether our choices (and they are all choices, BTW) are serving us. This is why I travel, and why I treasure these experiences, even when they scare me to death.

The great news is that no planes, trains, buses, automobiles or kayaks are required. A retreat is a state of mind, accessible to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Of course, vacating your current environment tends to kick things into gear more dramatically, but it’s not necessary.

Here are my top five ideas for getting the gift of retreat without being late for dinner.

1. Take a walk around the outside of your house. Yes, not even around the block, just around your home. Notice everything around the place you live, and maybe notice how much of it is unfamiliar to you. Did you know about the odd shape of that shrub, the little patch of weeds, or how the sunlight (or moonlight) changes the color of the bricks or siding? Take it all in.

2. Stand at your front door and look straight ahead. Chronicle everything that is in your direct site line. From the broken tree branch to your neighbor’s garbage. Do this every day and your days will no longer be a blur. Better yet, take a picture and notice the magical rhythms of nature.

3. Give yourself a night-in. Play music, run a bath, light some candles, write in your journal. Avoid the TV, phone, internet. Pretend you’re in the middle of a power outage. Notice how many sounds, sights and sensations you can name.

4. Find a free hour. (I know you’re thinking you don’t have a free hour. You do. It just happens to be tied up with Facebook, TV or cat videos.) Find a quiet spot, which means you will need to remove yourself, close the door, or otherwise set yourself up for some serenity. (A wonderful client goes to her garage and sits in her car. Funny… but it works.) bring with you something that makes you feel good – a photo, a piece of music, your journal, etc… – your choice. And for that one luxurious hour, do nothing but just be. Your thoughts might pull you toward the numerous work or personal obligations that await your return. Gently remind them you’ll be right back, but for now you are unavailable.

If it calls to you, close your eyes and tune into your exhale. See if you can make it smoother and longer. Drop your shoulders and soften the muscles of your face. Maybe even allow a secret smile to arise.

5. Get in the same room with your favorite person. Look at each other, and express the love you feel through your eyes and body. Ask each other important questions. The ones that get overlooked in the minutiae of fullness. Listen. Speak. Repeat.

 

It might seem impossible, but these droplets of time can completely change the trajectory of a day, week, month or life. No security checks or jet lag involved.

Ready? Go!!

 

 

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The Moment is NOW

my godmother and me, my high school graduation

For the past several weeks, I’ve been consumed by two major projects – my recently published novel and my upcoming course. It’s what’s on my mind, and therefore, it’s what makes it onto the page.

I recently learned about my beloved Godmother’s serious health scare. It diverted my attention, and my activities, but when I returned to what was in front of me, all I could hear were the words of my dear friend Alexandra Franzen during our time teaching together in Vancouver a few weeks ago:

Don’t die with your story still in you. (Adapted from several spiritual teachers, including Wayne Dyer and Todd Henry.)

This is a sobering suggestion. All those dreams of giving life to what’s inside you might never come to pass.

That is my greatest fear, really. That all my grand ideas and my calling to enlighten and heal could vanish in an instant. It’s sobering, and inspiring at the same time. It makes me hop out of bed in the morning to race to my computer and get it all out of me. It keeps me up at night, divining the best way to deliver my ultimate message about living a life where the practice of satisfaction is made sacred.

I share these thoughts with you in the hope that you won’t waste one more minute. Mine the gems you hold inside, spend the time to carve and polish them until they gleam, and then offer them freely and liberally to the world’s open arms. It doesn’t matter if you feel like the world doesn’t care. If you care, then that’s enough.

We can never know how our offerings will trickle into the eyes, ears and hearts of the people who most need them. Tweet that.

I send you strength, and the awareness of the beauty of your gifts. I can see them… isn’t it time you did too?

May you sparkle with abandon.

P.S. Just below, I’ve included an excerpt from Fish Tails & Lady Legs. Please enjoy, and know that I made it for you.

P.P.S My Godmother is doing great, thankfully.


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Lying is done with words and also with silence. – Adrian Rich

 

I wanted it all to work, although the unlikelihood was staring me right in the face. The crazy hours Jeff and I were tied to were not conducive to the round-the-clock care a baby needed, and tensions built quickly about our respective responsibilities.

Jeff was taking on more and more at the hospital, and even traveling to train other doctors and speak at conferences. He was proud of how well he was providing for our family, even if not in person. Although my culinary star kept getting brighter, it didn’t mean any fewer hours for me either.

“It’s time for you to leave your frivolous career behind and stay home to take care of our child, Monique,” he eventually said.

That’s when I stopped speaking, so overtaken by betrayal. Jeff grew more and more insistent, my suffering apparently not a consideration. How could I leave the only thing in my life, other than my daughter, that filled my heart with joy? Yes, it was an enormous amount of work, and yes it brought in nearly no money and was very stressful and time-consuming. But it was my life. It was how I defined myself – I was a chef, before anything else. How dare he demand I leave my career?

He grew louder and I grew silent. He grew larger, and I shrank into my two unsatisfying worlds of mother and chef.

Silence became my husband’s lover. A lifetime of meticulously chosen words, and a short period of incoherent raging, left me mute. No need to wonder what happens after one screams so violently that the voice fails. Silence, of course.

Whose hand is over my mouth, I wondered, powerless to move my jaw.

By not speaking, I could bear the dishonesty. By feigning agreement, I would keep the peace. By locking my jaw, I could stop being force fed his chilling torment.

Silence cooked for him, silence slept with him and silence hung on his arm, right alongside the Rolex, neither making even a tick.

Maybe I had used up my quota of words. A bit soon, I thought, but not impossible. Or maybe, by using words like weapons, which I had done with so many others, I had broken some covenant and been banned to the land of the speechless.

Be seen and not heard, resurrected from childhood. Silent AND deadly.

How much venom could be produced with a wordless gaze, a tight-lipped grimace, a rigid backed response? A nearly fatal dose, I came to understand, without the need to bare the fangs locked behind the prison of my mouth.

Everyone could see the cause of this strange symptom, the locking of my jaw. But I dared not even think the thought – my life was sealing my lips shut.

What would I have to admit, about my own part in the tragic farce, to say – “He did this, and I let him?”

Silence was the price for security, the counterfeit for connection, as valuable as any of the constant lies. Whether spoken or not, dishonesty was our secret code.

I would win this one. If shutting up and shutting off were the rules of engagement, I would be the silent victor.

“You won’t talk to me,” he would say. No shit, I thought, and that was that. I won the round, again.

But he changed the rules, so quickly I could not veer from the strategy – to manipulate him into acquiescence. I rounded the bend to find that he had left me, emotionally.

Unable to bear the hypocrisy, or the silence of lies, he stopped playing mid-game, took his heart and left. The only pleas were silent as I realized it was my own hand over my mouth.

When lies are all you tell, what is the value of your word? When the truth is too hard to bear what is the value of your life?

Fill the hole with whatever is around to keep it busy, or seal it so tightly for no trespassing, I told myself. Breathe, moan, whisper, cry, scream, laugh. But speak not or forever hold your peace.

 

Read more…

 

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Hey Sexy…

I made something for you.

It’s an erotic novel where the spiritual and the sexy spend some time snuggling together.

I made it because I’m tired of grown women’s compartmentalization into wife OR mother OR business professional, but never sexual being.

If you’re ready to be inspired and titillated, this is for YOU.

The details, including a free preview, can be found here.

Here’s to the power of pleasure.

 

In love, lust and light,

Pascale

 

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