Jacqueline Ward's Blog, page 8

August 16, 2018

Madonna at 60

I’m pausing my very serious book posts to reveal an amazing fact about myself: I am Madonna.


Many of you who know me through my day job or through writing will probably think that I am the furthest from Madonna that you could imagine – serious, studious and sober. But ask the people who have known me longest and they will tell you that, like Madonna, I have reinvented myself many, many times.



My earliest version of ‘me as Madonna’ was standing at the school gates to collect my daughter dressed in a leather skirt, low slung belt, stringy vest top, black bra and, yes, finger-less lace gloves. I would squeeze lemon onto my ginger locks on order to encourage blonde as I couldn’t really afford the hairdresser on my single-parent two job wage. ‘Like a Virgin’ spoke to me and I understood where Madonna was coming from, oh yes I did! I would stand chewing gum at the nightclub bar where I worked to save up for a mortgage deposit and dance to Holiday.


Crazy For You and Desperately seeking Susan saw me drying my armpits in a pub toilets and crying over lost love. Onward to Like a Prayer, where legend tells that I appeared in the living room in my nightie and we all laughed ourselves silly at me dancing round being Madonna as a bus full of people on the main road outside my house watched, open-mouthed. Later people would laugh for a different reason as I dressed up in a pointy bra and went to someone’s birthday 40th party fancy dress – apparently it ‘wasn’t the done thing’ and I was ‘asking for it’ – but luckily my children remember only the fun and laughter Madonna.


The laughter didn’t last and my life became difficult. Music wasn’t my saviour anymore. No one was. I struggled through the next ten years, not really know who I was and losing my ‘Madonna’ – not by choice but by a myriad of ‘shoulds’ and control. But I knew, deep down, that something would give. I was still strong, somewhere inside.


It wasn’t until 1998, when, single again, I started to re-engage with life and turned on my radio and heard Ray of Light that I felt a glimmer of hope. I had been totally lost with no baseline for my own identity. No longer in touch with a social life, I’d thrown myself into study and work. I still loved music, but me and music no longer matched. I was sad and dowdy and afraid. Under-confident. But when I watched Madonna in the Ray of Light video I recognised myself somewhere in there. There was a glimpse of grown-up me who could still have fun, and I felt it. I felt a spark.


I watched her, older now, but still creative and beautiful, spinning and singing and it meaning something. She’d morphed into someone approaching 40 but still clubbing and still dancing and she did not give a shit about what anyone else said about her. I didn’t always agree with her brand of feminism, but I did understand it now. That too taught me that we are all on a journey, and success as a woman often means you have to be ‘feminist as far as possible’ as you grow and change the world – I even titled a chapter of my subsequent PhD thesis and book this.


I’m only a little bit younger than Madonna, I’m 57 this year, but I’m old enough that people are surprised when I tell them that I’m starting a new career as well as my current one and often get told that ‘women over 50 should have short hair’. About five years ago someone I care about heavily criticised me for the choices I made early on in my life and for things that happened to me that were out of my control. I didn’t say anything to them, but inside, for the first time, my inner voice said ‘I don’t care what you think. I did what I thought was best at the time.’ I was so surprised that I started laughing, because previously I would have worried and invested in what they said, examining it every which way to see if they were right and I was, in fact, rubbish.


But I’m not. I know I’m not. I’m just that little bit more Madonna! Long live dressing up and dying your LONG hair and being creative and posting on social networking and not giving a fuck. Happy birthday, Madonna, long may you appear on my Facebook feed reminding me that age is just a number.



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Published on August 16, 2018 04:43

August 10, 2018

Perfect Ten just 99p and a bestseller on publication day – get yours now!

Perfect Ten publication has been brought forward for the ebook version – due to popular demand!


The response to giveaways and The Pigeonhole has been fantastic and this is truly reader-powered. So Perfect Ten is just 99p on Amazon and across other retailers – it won’t be for long so grab your copy now here.


I would really like to thank the book bloggers for their enthusiasm and social networking around the giveaway. There were over 1000 entries via my website, Facebook, Twitter, Blog and Instagram, and anyone else who entered the giveaway. Unfortunately everyone couldn’t win a free copy, but hopefully everyone will have grabbed a discounted copy of the ebook.


I would also like to thank whoever nominated Perfect Ten for the Guardian Not the Booker Prize, I am sure this played a part too.


Perfect Ten became a Bestseller on Amazon on publication day and I am absolutely delighted. The category, feminist criticism, may seem a little strange for a psychological thriller, but the core theme of the book is psychological abuse and gaslighting. My hope is that those interested in identity construction and storytelling will read this too.


Sanjida Kaye said about Perfect Ten: ‘Tense and Gripping. A timely debut for those of us affected by #metoo’


I truly hope that as well as an entertaining read about revenge, Perfect Ten will resonate with those who are or have been affected by controlling and destructive behaviour and make them feel less alone.


My thanks go to my wonderful agent Judith Murray for her input and everyone at Corvus Atlantic books – all of you are fantastic and I owe you all a drink!


I’m celebrating by continuing to write book 3 – I love writing so much that it is a treat! I hope you enjoy Perfect Ten, please let me know what you think – good or bad! – on social networking and by leaving a review. I welcome discussion – there’s a lot to discuss.


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Published on August 10, 2018 07:07

August 5, 2018

Being Believed

While Perfect Ten is a psychological thriller, it also has a serious core where the main character Caroline is the victim of abuse. At the centre of this is her isolation because no one believes her. I wanted to write about this being believed, which has become a prominent part of the #metoo campaign and is still dominating the press and social media.


One news item that caught my eye this week was a report about how a powerful, high profile person, accused of rape and sexual abuse, has attempted to dismiss the case against them based on emails sent by one of his accusers after the incident. This is just one example of someone reporting rape or sexual abuse and continually not being believed.


Another appeal on Twitter which called for domestic violence offenders to be placed on a register raised alarm bells – not because I wouldn’t want to see this – but more because of the practical rationale.


The problem with both these examples is that domestic and sexual abuse perpetrators are not acting in a rational or logical way. The manipulative, controlling behaviour that accompanies abuse in order for it to be concealed is irrational and, because if this, it is difficult to fit it into a legal process.


Those who rape and abuse sexually often have a desire to have power over their victim, and one characteristic of this is to devalue claims by the victim following the abuse by calling them out as liars. Similarly, domestic abusers, both violent and psychological, will deny the abuse. Even in the event of physical evidence, such as broken bones and bruises, they will attempt to blame the victim. A common tactic is to accuse the victim of ‘starting it’ and that they are really the victim as they were acting in self defence. So, based on this, and the possibility that the perpetrator is charmingly convincinghe’s such a lovely man how could he have done this to her – the victim could end up in court and on the register themselves, or on the receiving end of ‘logical’ evidence that does not take into account the context of, for example, extreme fear.


So what are the consequences of not being believed?

The consequences of not being believed for both high-profile women and for survivors of sexual and domestic abuse in everyday life is, on a personal psychological level, potentially catastrophic. They have taken an immense personal risk by telling someone about the abuse in the face of a threats from a powerful abuser. They know better than anyone what the abuser is capable of and the lengths they will go to to cover their control and cruelty but they believe that the law will be on their side.


When their truth is challenged along with their belief in an overarching narrative (the law) their identity is thrown into disarray and their sense of self and their whole belief system challenged. In many ways, this is a continuation of the abuse suffered.


Whether it is lies told to the court by the abuser, a flawed process where intangibles such as fear cannot be adequately captured through court reports, or the glossing over of a controlling situation as a set of emails where the power dynamic is invisible, this is not a logical situation.


I have written about this dynamic in my novel Perfect Ten. We meet Caroline Atkinson, a successful university researcher, when she is at her lowest point after years of being told that she is mad, paranoid and stupid to believe that her husband is being unfaithful. Her identity as a competent wife and mother has crumbled when Jack takes their children and everyone believes him. Her life dissolves into a mire of bad behaviour and drunken nights, but somehow she holds onto two things: her job and the belief, deep down, that she was right about Jack.


Jack is believed because, due to the extreme stress he has put her under, Caroline crumbles. Caroline gets the chance to prove herself right, but how many women never do and remain under confident and anxious about their credibility?


So what is the answer?

I completely support a register for domestic abuse offenders and I desperately hope that some way could be found to eradicate the doubt around manipulation and controlling behaviour in outcomes.


One way to do this would be to have a separate system for domestic abuse and violence cases, where trained advocates who are aware of this dynamic consider cases. But with hardly enough funding to keep survivors safe in refuges, I doubt that this will happen any time soon in a society which seems intent on making domestic abuse services worse instead of better.


In the meantime, organisations such as Refuge and Women’s Aid struggle against funding cuts to deal with the crisis people experience as domestic violence, so often hidden, becomes so bad that authorities are inevitably made aware through homelessness, injury or both.


So what can we do?


If the law can’t protect survivors of abuse and domestic violence, and an offenders register is difficult to operate because it depends on prosecution in law, then what can we do to make stop sexual abuse and domestic violence? If the abuser is manipulative and controlling, and the victim/survivor left damaged and lacking credibility because of this, how can this be balanced in the light of lack of services through no funding?


We can write about it. We can make television and film about it. We can make info-graphics and visuals about it – anything that is outside the ‘norm’ of policy and guidance that, while so useful, we become desensitised to.  Those of us who have never experienced the devastating shame of speaking up the truth but being called a liar, and those of us who have survived it and become strong again in the face of not being believed, can hold up a collective cultural sign for others. We can signpost the control and manipulation, and the way out of it, for those so caught up in the power dynamic that all they see is closed doors.


We can understand the behaviour that comes from having our identity destroyed by being called a liar when we are not, and support the services that help those who are at the lowest point back to life, love and trust.


Most of all, we can believe them. We can point to the abusive behaviour and, even if it is not prosecuted, we can know it is there and it isn’t ‘just one of those things’.


Caroline found allies; it doesn’t make life perfect, but it makes it better than it was and it’s a start to regaining confidence and self esteem.


24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247


Perfect Ten in published by Corvus Atlantic Books and is released in trade paperback on 6th September 2018


Perfect Ten Perfect Ten

 


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Published on August 05, 2018 09:52

July 27, 2018

Perfect Ten on the Pigeonhole – first 100 read for free!

What are The Pigeonhole offering?

The Pigeonhole are offering Perfect Ten FREE to the first 100 hundred readers who sign up! It will be an interactive experience as I will be reading alongside and answering question about the book and my writing. I am so looking forward to this – sign up and join me there! But hurry because places are being claimed quickly.



So what is The Pigeonhole? From their website:


‘The Pigeonhole is the global book club in your pocket

A book was once the best means of mass communication; now it is the phone. But there is no longer a need to choose between the two. The Pigeonhole is at the forefront of a new era of mobile reading, launching our titles in bite-sized instalments, or staves, designed to fit into every reader’s life.



We work with some of the biggest publishers in the world to bring our users the best in modern fiction. From bestselling authors like Minette Walters and Ken Follett, to exciting debuts and new voices, The Pigeonhole has your reading covered. Each serialisation is accompanied by bonus content – from interviews with the author to audio staves, playlists and photographs. Meet with the author and other readers inside the book as you read and comment on the book in real-time.’


See you there!



Perfect Ten Perfect Ten

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Published on July 27, 2018 02:19

July 24, 2018

Perfect Ten Revenge Playlist

Perfect Ten has a theme of revenge, and while that is not the only theme of the story, a series of revenge songs are scattered through the story; in fact, Caroline Atkinson makes her own ‘Cheating Bastard Playlist’! And here it is:


I think it would be fair to say that Caroline Atkinson is angry. In fact, she is livid, and her playlist reflects this. So what better song to start with than ‘You Oughta Know’ by Alanis Morrisette? Caroline has found out her husband has cheated and this is her opening lament.



There You Go by P!nk is in many ways the ultimate revenge song. It drills down to the raw feelings of betrayal, then the betrayer coming back for another try only to be met with a ‘fuck you’ attitude. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?



Irreplaceable by Beyonce. To the left, to the left, mmm. I get the impression from this song that it’s about a woman who’s boyfriend thinks she has been played being the real player. I had this in mind while writing Perfect Ten, that arrogant stupidity that makes a game player think that they have privileged knowledge, when really they are transparent, and this song typifies that situation.



Changed the Locks by Lucinda Williams features in The Affair, a TV show that looks at how each of the characters affected by Noah’s affair with Alison. His wife, Helen, has a scene where the gets high to this song, and this resonates with Caroline’s demise/rise, as she chases first Jack and then herself in circles.



Love yourself by Justin Bieber is a masterpiece in cold-hearted gleeful revenge. Caroline’s gradual realisation of Jack’s narcissistic behaviour culminates with this. I’m better sleeping on my own is a put-down of genius proportions and designed to hurt. Deep.



Tori Amos – Northern Lad. ‘You don’t show much these days, it gets so fucking cold. I love the secret places, but I don’t go anymore.’ Tori is a genius of storytelling, and anyone who has ever had a dying relationship knows the truth in this song and when it’s time to ‘turn the page’. Caroline did and this was the catalyst for change for her.



Northern Soul classic, The snake, by Al Wilson, hold the suggestion that the tender ‘silly’ woman knew what she was taking on with the snake and therefore whatever happened was her fault. This reflects the insidious nature of gaslighting and victim-blaming by Jack in Perfect Ten.



DOA by the Foo Fighters. No one’s getting out of here alive. Everyone’s damaged. No one ever wins in battles like the one between Caroline and Jack, but hopefully lessons are learned. Game on.



Little Mix and Shout Out to My Ex. If I am completely honest, this is the song I had in mind for Caroline as she walked away from the story; it didn’t quite turn out quite like that, but I held that thought anyway because this is the ultimate revenge: being OK afterwards.



Last but not least, a song which doesn’t get a mention in the book but is my personal mantra for anyone who has ever hurt me! As Caroline says so often, Fuck You! (not you, reader, but all the ‘Jack’s’ of this world who selfishly weave a tangled web of lies and drive others to the very bottom, then point the finger of blame at them.) Lily Allen’s anthem sums this sentiment up perfectly!



There are many more revenge songs that I could have included, but the songs above are the best stories to compliment Caroline’s journey. I hope you enjoy Perfect Ten – please let me know what you think.


Perfect Ten Perfect Ten

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Published on July 24, 2018 06:48

July 17, 2018

Perfect Ten GIVEAWAY!

***GIVEAWAY!***


The PERFECT TEN paperback will hit the shelves on 6th September 2018 and I’m giving away THREE Advance Reader Copies across Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!


Would YOU like a copy? Here’s how you can enter:



Comment on this post or
Like my Facebook page and share the post – comment ‘shared’ and tag two friends who would love this giveaway in the comment section
You can enter the giveaway through Twitter https://wp.me/p3UlQw-qV
And Instagram too! https://www.instagram.com/p/BlVa-fLhvfG/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Winners will be chosen at random and contacted on 6th August 2018, exactly one month before the OFFICIAL RELEASE. (UK only, please).


#PERFECTTEN – WHAT WOULD YOU DO?


Caroline Atkinson is powerless and angry. She has lost more than most – her marriage, her reputation, even her children. Then one day, she receives an unusual delivery: lost luggage belonging to the very man who is responsible, her estranged husband Jack.


In a leather holdall, Caroline unearths a dark secret, one that finally confirms her worst suspicions. Jack has kept a detailed diary of all his affairs; every name, every meeting, every lie is recorded. He even marks the women out of ten.


Caroline decides it’s time to even the score. She will make this man pay, even if it means risking everything…


Pre-order: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Perfect-Ten-powerful-page-turning-revenge/dp/1786493764/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1531755716&sr=1-1


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Published on July 17, 2018 06:22

June 28, 2018

My Write as a Woman


A while ago I saw an invitation to submit a short story to Women’s Words Manchester as part of an archive of women’s stories about Manchester. The stories were to be archived to celebrate 100 years since some women got the vote, and was supported by the Pankhurst Centre , Manchester Libraries.Archives+. Soroptomoists Europe and the Arts Council England.  Tonight marked the culmination of a lot of hard work and the launch of the archive – My Write as a Woman. I was delighted to be invited to the participant’s preview, and when I arrived I was overwhelmed by the number of stories laid out. I found my own almost immediately and I am completely humbled by its inclusion in this wonderful project.


More than 350 women submitted their story, and these will now be archived and made available to the public as one record. Later, the stories will be digitised and will each have it’s own record. Workshops were held to help and encourage women to submit stories, as well as direct submission welcomed. Additional commissioned pieces were included in a new edition of The Suffragette and performed at an earlier Tea Party event.


I really did not know what to expect at the launch event, but as I looked through the stories to find my own amongst the many hundreds there, I discovered stories of heartbreak, of optimism, of poverty, of hard work and babies born, of local history and Manchester Milestones. Stories of coming to the city and leaving the city, and of staying. Stories of overcoming problems and of discovering who we really are in our beautiful city.


The city as a backdrop to these stories highlighted how much these women love Manchester, how strongly they feel about it and how they can call it home. These stories are truly a snapshot of lives lived, of memories and of the desire to shout it from the rooftops. I guess this archive is the literary equivalent of that and so many voices have been heard.


But most of all, the overwhelming feeling of the stories, the events and the legacy of this project is love. That we’re in it together and that, even in times of desperate sadness for the city, WE ARE THERE.


I wish I could have read all the stories, and I will make a promise to myself that, some time in the future, I will. I left a little bit of myself there tonight, a little bit of my heart. A little bit of the love affair between me and Manchester.


I met this guy in the foyer!

 


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Published on June 28, 2018 13:07

June 25, 2018

Perfect Ten: writing about revenge…

It’s ten weeks until my novel Perfect Ten is released so I wanted to talk about how I came to write it and why I chose revenge as the theme.


When I tell people that the theme of the novel is revenge there are raised eyebrows and curiosity as to what Caroline, the main character in Perfect Ten, will do, and why. This was exactly the same as my initial knee-jerk reaction when I first considered what someone would do in the face of such bad behaviour as Jack, Caroline’s husband, displays.


As a psychologist I wanted to dig deep into what happens when someone is exposed to this in a relationship, and the research I did not only revealed a shocking number of people suffering but also no real point of reference in media or literature that they could relate to. Many of them commented that women’s reactions are often ‘dumbed down’ or ‘passive’ which does not reflect the way people must juggle work, friends and family while dealing with serious, often externally invisible, relationship problems. More pointedly, revenge is always portrayed badly, and never as ‘an equal and opposite reaction’.


One woman told me that any action to rectify her own situation was always cast as ‘a victim taking revenge’ rather than ‘a woman defending herself’ which was what she felt she was doing.


In Perfect Ten, we meet Caroline at the moment she discovers exactly what her husband Jack has been up to; her world changes that day and she sets of a chain reaction of events that changes everything.


Perfect Ten Perfect Ten

I spoke to many, many people about relationships and revenge and abuse during the years it took to write this novel. What happens to Caroline may be shocking, but I believe it reflects real life and strong women – often a life that is hidden from view behind a veneer of disbelief or even unwillingness to believe.


I finally decided to write about this subject after a conversation about writing themes that resonate with everyone. I knew that it would have been more popular to write about love and happy endings, but I wanted to take a risk and write about something that explores the darker side of femininity and the uncomfortable competition between women over men that often runs alongside friendship and support.


I took a chance writing Perfect Ten. I hope that you will take a chance too, and read it.


Thanks to Sanjida Kay who read Perfect Ten and gave the review above. Perfect Ten will be released in ebook and trade paperback on 6th September 2018 bu Corvus Atlantic Books. Pre-order here.


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Published on June 25, 2018 01:00

June 20, 2018

It’s Always About the Children

While I’m sitting here in my privileged, white, affluent life checking my step count and reminiscing about the concert I attended last night, it’s hard to believe that in the USA children are being separated from their parents and kept in camps and cages.


I am a psychologist and writer, but I want to put those identities I use to signify my authority aside for a moment and write as a human being. I would contend that in every situation, every argument about money, race, behaviour, war, class or any human-constructed organisational situation, the way we treat children is a true moral compass.


I once had an argument with a family member who is a self-professed racist who told me that the civilians killed in the Iraq war are ‘collateral damage’. But I asked him to say out loud that it was fine that even one child was killed, he could not. Because he knows that it is wrong. Well-adjusted human beings have empathy for their fellow humans, particularly children who are typically helpless.


We dress up our human dance with words that generalise and divert from the real issues – how we treat each other. What is happening now is the USA is this: children are being mistreated. Adults are also being mistreated. The situation, where children are being detained at border points, taken from their parents and put into camps, is being explained by politicians as ‘illegal immigrants being dealt with’ and the overarching narrative is power. But what possible viable reason can there be to take a child away from its parent, unless the parent either agreed? Or was not physically able to look after them but then, for goodness sake, help them to stay together as a family. Find a solution that helps everyone.


It is easy to dress this up with ‘the law’, religion, politics, arguments about levels of care and what they mean, but it comes down to this: if you are reading this piece and thinking about about anything other than those poor children crying for their Mummy and Daddy, please check your own moral compass. If you are making excuses for why this happened, and beginning to form ad hominem insults to compensate for your lack, then dig deeper.


If you are thinking in particular, that I am a ‘lefty snowflake’ or suchlike, let me make it clear that I am not attacking any particular person, rather, holding the position that it is wrong to separate children from their parents and keep them in cages, so you argument is immediately lost by attacking me personally. I am looking beyond politics, beyond the Left and the Right and at other people as human beings, asyou need to do.


If you can say out loud in front of the people you love that any innocent child deserves to be treated in such a way, then I would suggest that you go and read up on what affective empathy and cognitive empathy means, and what lack of them signifies about the mental health of a person.


But this is not about us. Me or you. It is about a small child somewhere in America who is crying for his Mummy. It’s always about the children. Always.


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Published on June 20, 2018 05:34

June 17, 2018

Act Your Age… what would the Rolling Stones do?

Rolling Stones Jacqueline Ward

I went to see the Rolling Stones last week at Old Trafford Football Stadium. I have been a huge fan of them since childhood when my father gave me a record player and some old records. Amongst them was Little Red Rooster and my introduction to blues and rock.


It s no secret that I am 56 years old. I am not one of those women who is afraid of revealing their age whilst urgently rubbing expensive anti-aging creams into their skin, although I do understand why they do this.  I am committed to growing old disgracefully and have recently re-engaged with my love of rock music.


So. Back to my 19th nervous breakdown. Just prior to the concert I took part in a meeting where it was suggested that ‘older people are not good at digital’ with the built-in implication that older people should ‘act their age’ and presumably go back to their quill pens and ink. I left feeling annoyed and insulted – I have been coding since I started work and I can build a website and social network as well as any ‘millennial’. Age is just a number, isn’t it? Age doesn’t matter – does it?


As I left the house for Old Trafford (obviously worrying about a coat and umbrella but complying to the security instructions of no bags to the letter) I was doubting my ability to stand on the pitch, even in the Theatre of Dreams, for hours and hours. That usual nagging doubt at the back of my mind that I would be ‘the oldest one there’ loomed large as I passed through the turnstiles and took my place.


Rolling StonesRolling Stones

I was not the oldest person there. The Rolling Stones have a collective age of 297 and many of the people around me were as old as them –  in their seventies. I (and they) had no problem standing for hours, in fact I danced the whole time, and the next day I built a website for a friend and fixed someone else’s website.


I feel that age is and aspect of identity, like being Northern or ginger or working class (I am all these as well as old!), something that someone who is insecure will isolate and use as an insult. Despite writing fiction for decades, I was not published until I was over 50. I truly believe that, despite my broad experience of life, I could not have produced the fiction that I write today earlier in my life.


Age Age

In the novel I am writing at the moment, one of the characters is an older woman and after I had written her and another character of the same age, I realised that being over 50 is a time when people get to choose their future – I love this picture which sums it up for me perfectly.


I am an expert in identity construction and I would contend that whilst external grand narratives influence who we are, the choice is ours – if you think you are old and see age as ageing as a negative construction then you probably be worrying about getting old and will not be in the audience at a Rolling Stones Concert or learning new digital skill in this world of new opportunities.


So I will act my age. We danced the night away with Mick Jagger dancing and singing mere feet away from us, Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood close enough to see the chords and Charlie Watts behind them. They sounded just like their records, but why wouldn’t they? They have been performing these songs for decades and are talented and proficient musicians.


So my new mantra, when I feel sidelined by some misguided soul who thinks I am too old to use a html tag and that digital is the property of anyone under 30, or to dance all night or that my interest in music is a ‘mid life crisis’ is – what would the Rolling Stones do?


Maybe without the spangly jackets and the living in hotels, but yes, it’s only rock ‘n’ roll but I like it.



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Published on June 17, 2018 02:06