Sarah Rees Brennan's Blog, page 3

Long Island!

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

I am to do my first ever Long Island appearance, where I will talk about writing, co-writing, and setting fires.

Beach Bag Book Club

Merrick Library, 2279 Merrick AveMerrick, NY 11566

August 12, 6:30 PM.

People can register online or call 378-7474 ext. 27 (or just come along. ;))

I am excited: it’s been a while since I did an appearance on my owny own, and I hope I remember how! Do come along if you’re around. I might have priiiizes.

Tell the Wind and Fire COVER and excerpt

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

I know I have been very quiet lately, but I promise I have been working very hard behind the scenes, and soon you will see the results!

This is not all the news I have. I have MORE NEWS THAN THIS.

But this is the fanciest thing that has ever happened to me as a writer, because my book is in Entertainment Weekly, and Entertainment Weekly is for fancy celebrities! I feel like I should get my book’s autograph.

HERE is the cover and the beginning of the book, REVEALED! on Entertainment Weekly!

(Did I mention yet it’s in Entertainment Weekly?)

I hope you like the book and the excerpt. Stay tuned for… WAY MORE NEWS… coming soon.

Tell the Wind and Fire Snippet

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

So I’m copyediting Tell the Wind and Fire, and I asked people on twitter if they wanted a snippet, and it seemed like yes they could be about the snippet life!

For all those who do not know, Tell the Wind and Fire is my new book, out spring 2016, and the potted summary for it currently goes like this:

Tell the Wind & Fire is about a young girl called Lucie who lives in a New York very different from the New York we know: the city is torn between two very different kinds of magic, and Lucie’s own family was torn apart years ago by that conflict. Lucie wears magic rings and carries a burden of guilt she can’t share with anyone.

The light in her life is her sweetheart boyfriend Ethan, but it turns out Ethan has a secret too: a soulless doppelganger created by dark magic, who has to conceal the face identical to Ethan’s with a hood fastened by a collar nobody but a Light magician with magical rings can take off… and who introduces himself to both of them by, for reasons nobody can understand, saving Ethan’s life…

So this snippet happens a short time after the life-saving…

I was furious, but there was something I had to do before questioning either one of them.

“Come here,” I said, and advanced on the doppelganger. He took a step back and wound up sitting on the bunk, looking surprised and mildly irritated.

I held up my hands as if in surrender, though it was anything but. I held them so the doppelganger could see the Light magic rings glittering on all my fingers.

“I’m a trained Light medic,” I told him. “Now let me see your wrist.”

He gave me an unfriendly look, but he let me kneel down and snatch his hand again. I pushed back the worn fabric of his sleeve. The material tried to adhere to the burn, but I pulled it off despite the hiss of pain that slipped through the doppelganger’s teeth. I had to loop my fingers around his wrist, over the burn, thumb and middle finger touching. I concentrated, coaxing to life the light hidden in every sparkling stone, letting it form a bright bracelet over his skin and mine. When I let go, I knew the light would wash the burn marks away. I was able to help, because he was not too badly hurt. My mother had been able to save people on the brink of death, but I was not a tenth as brilliant a magician as my mother. I could only do this.

I opened my eyes, blinked away the remnants of Light in my vision, like dissolving stars, until all that was left was his intent gaze.

“There,” I told him.

“Am I supposed to thank you?”

“No,” I said. “I’m supposed to thank you. You saved his life and I love him, so I owe you more than I know how to repay. Thank you …. what’s your name?”

He hesitated. “Carwyn.”

“Carwyn,” I said, still kneeling, staring up into a familiar face with a strange name on my tongue. “Thank you.”

Fancy People... And Me, Shaming Them

Tomorrow I will be here!

APRIL 12, EVENT WITH R.L. STINE, KIERAN SCOTT, HOLLY BLACK, PAIGE McKENZIE and ALYSSA SHEINMEL.
3:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Books of Wonder, 18 West 18th street

In which we tell terrifying tales!

Maybe I will tell about Tell the Wind and Fire. Maybe I just stare awestruck at R.L. Stine. Isn’t it FANCY? I’m going to be creepy, you guys. I can feel it in my bones.

(My brother used to time me as I read R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps books. There is no SAYING what I am going to say to him. Someone hold me back.)

Where I’ll Be in March

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

So’s you all know: March cometh! And with it cometh… me!

If you are in New York or Texas, that is.

Places to find me…

MARCH 4, NYC EVENT

with Marie Rutkoski

McNally Jackson Books

New York, NY

6:00 PM

http://mcnallyjackson.com/event/launc...

(We will be launching Marie’s brilliant new book Winner’s Crime! I MIGHT do a skit! If the people WISH for skits.)

MARCH 7

North Texas Teen Book Festival

http://www.northtexasteenbookfestival...

Irving Convention Center,

500 W. Las Colinas Blvd.

Irving, TX 75039

10 AM, RM 7, Secondary Education

Exploring the Importance of Secondary Characters: Leigh Bardugo, me, Rae Carson, Tessa Gratton, Sherry Thomas, mod. Karin Perry.

(What a cool line-up! Leigh and I are currently sitting by a pool plotting the terrible things we’re going to say about each others’ secondary characters.)

12 AM, GB EAST, Captivating Fantasies

Exploring Fantastical Worlds, Julie Kagawa, me, Ally Condie, Rae Carson, Tessa Gratton, mod. Jill Bellomy.

2PM, RM 8, Reading the Rainbow

LGBTQ in YA, Importance of. (Very!) David Levithan, Alex London, Lauren Myracle, mod. Teri Lesense

AUTHOR SIGNINGS 3:30 PM

2015 NYC TEEN AUTHOR FESTIVAL

MARCH 18-MARCH 22

Wednesday, March 18 – PANEL

42nd St NYPL, South Court, 6-8

Writing As A Many-Booked Thing

Looking at series and reader response (SUPER INTERESTING!)

Dahlia Adler, me, Barry Lyga, Michelle Hodkin, Seth Fishman, Marie Rutkoski, Amy Nichols, mod. David Levithan.

Books of Wonder Mega-Signing

Sunday, March 22, 1:30 PM

http://nyctaf.com/

And just so this post isn’t a total disappointfest for those not in NYC or Texas, I did put up a wee snippet from the sequel to The Turn of the Story (Wings in the Morning from Elliot’s PoV) on tumblr, so if you did not catch it here it is…



“Elliot!” Dale screamed. “Stop!”

“What?” Elliot asked defensively. “I’m just making a scheme for your future happiness. You don’t want to be happy in the future? What’s your objection to the future? What’s your objection to happiness?”

“I don’t have an objection to happiness,” Dale said. “It’s just—Luke.”

“You have an objection to Luke?” Elliot snapped. “What possible objection could there be to Luke? He’s smart—and he’s champion—and he’s radiantly good-looking–”

“He’s great,” said Dale.

Elliot frowned. “Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

Dale gave Elliot a look that said he was surrendering when Elliot was not aware they were fighting a battle. Many people seemed to approach conversations with Elliot this way, so he shrugged it off and gestured for Dale to speak.

“He’s just a little—”

“Constantly eternally insistently in your face twenty-four seven?” Elliot cut in sympathetically.

“… distant?” said Dale.

“Well, obviously we’re having a slightly different Luke Experience,” said Elliot. He folded his arms and regarded Dale, who seemed dispirited. It could simply be an effect of prolonged conversation with Elliot, but in case it was not Elliot added encouragingly: “Luke is shy! That’s the problem. He’s shy because he likes you so much. It’s beautiful if you think about it. Don’t you think it’s beautiful?”

He regarded Dale sternly. Dale nodded.

“Good,” said Elliot. “Good.”

“It’s really nice of you to go to all this trouble,” Dale offered, after a moment. “I mean… you’re really nice. Knowing you care that much… about me… is nice.”

“Ahahaha,” said Elliot. “Sure. And if you follow all the details of my plot carefully, everybody will be happy forever. Won’t that be nice? Now, remember we don’t know each other.”

“Luke knows that we know each other—”

“But we can’t know each other too well!” Elliot warned.

Dale did not look ready for this level of subterfuge.

Elliot gave up on a soothing tone, and patted Dale’s (second-most muscular in the Border camp, hello) arm instead. “Everything is going to go great, provided you do exactly what I want.”

He sensed a presence at his side, glanced in that direction and found himself staring at a dead rabbit.

“Aaaaagh!” said Elliot.

“I’m gonna go,” said Dale, and ran.

The dead rabbit, hanging at eyelevel, regarded Elliot with a glazed regard. Elliot eventually pulled his gaze away from the creature and looked to the harpy who had alit on the grassy bank beside Elliot and who was holding her prey aloft with what seemed to be pride.

“This is for you,” she told him.

“Oh,” said Elliot. “How kind. How did you guess that I love… dead things?”

She inclined her head. He could make out the actual pattern of feathers in her hair: it was so fascinating. He found himself smiling with reflexive admiration, even in the presence of dead rabbits. Then he wondered what smiles meant to harpies, when some had human-looking mouths and some had beaks. Surely the greater variety made for a greater range of expression. He wondered if he could ask.

“I caught it myself,” the harpy told him.

Elliot appreciated the harpies’ efforts to bond across the species divide and make this treaty work. He wished she had approached someone else, as even after years on this side of the Border he felt queasy around dead uncooked animals. The rabbit dangled, swaying slightly from side to side. Elliot averted his eyes from its hypnotic swing.

“I am one million per cent genuinely impressed,” he said firmly. “You’re Podarge, aren’t you? Celaeno mentioned that you were an expert gardener. I would be so interested to learn the differences and similarities between human and harpy methods. You seem like the ideal person to talk to. If you would care to share your expertise.”

Podarge ducked her head and blushed, color rising around her beak. “If you really want me to.”

Oh. Oh, Elliot understood why he had been brought a dead animal. He brightened up.

“I do,” he said. “Would it be forward of me to add that I really like your hair?”

“I like your hair!” said Podarge. “I can see it from leagues up in the sky.”

“You sure can,” said Elliot. “Like a small localised forest fire, and up until this moment I thought of it as just about as disastrous.”

Luke’s heritage was great, he thought, and forays to make treaties were great, and he, Elliot, might be about to get a girlfriend who could fly! A flying girlfriend! He could not wait to tell Serene.

Then he saw Celaeno and Luke approach. Normally, he would have been pleased to see Luke and his aunt (his flying aunt!) but at this precise moment he felt he could have done without them. He tried to make a subtle gesture to Luke to go away. Luke squinted and frowned at him.

“You have feathers in your hair.”

“Yeah, they get all over, I’ve just learned to accept it,” said Elliot, as Luke came over, pulled the feathers out and threw them on the ground. “Or not.”

Celaeno looked at Elliot, Podarge and the rabbit. She had a somewhat severe air about her at all times, but it was increased enormously now. She looked at the dead rabbit as if it had wronged her family.

“Podarge, a word in the air, if you would.”

Podarge jumped at the tone of command—literally jumped into the air, so she and the bunny swiftly became nothing more than a speck against the clouds.

Elliot could not work out where it had all gone wrong.

“That was my dead creature,” he said forlornly. “It was for me.”

“Yeah, you’re hilarious and what you told Commander Woodsinger was so believable,” Luke muttered.

Luke had now referred to something that Elliot had told Commander Woodsinger about fourteen times. Elliot could not imagine what he meant, and Elliot was really starting to worry he’d told the commander something ludicrous, like that he wouldn’t cause any trouble. He also didn’t know why Luke thought he was currently making a joke.

Things did not look good in the awesome flying girlfriend department. Possibly Celaeno thought that human and harpy mingling would be detrimental to the treaty. Elliot sighed wistfully. He did not want to do anything that would damage the treaty.

“Did you get on well with Celaeno,” he asked, poking Luke. “Tell me you didn’t say anything stupid. No, wait, it’s you: tell me you didn’t say anything too stupid.”

Luke did not look mildly irritated, as he usually would have. He looked tired, and he still had that certain air of low-lying anger which had hung around him like a shadow since his mother had told him the truth, and which Elliot had never seen on him before.

“I don’t know,” he said, his voice heavy. “She said stuff about… my wings. I don’t think she knew what she was talking about.”

“She does have a pair of her own, though,” Elliot pointed out.

Luke gave him a dark look. “She gave me a skull to drink out of.”

“Oh, loser, tell me you respected her traditions and drank out of her skull!”

Luke sat down on the bank and ran his hand through his hair, then stayed with his head bowed and his hand in his hair, as if he’d wanted to put his head in his hands but did not want to betray that level of vulnerability.

“I drank out of her skull,” he said. “I tried to be polite. I wish all of this was over and we were going home.”

This was not good. Elliot thought about Serene saying: We all take care of each other, and I take the best care of Luke. She was right. He knew she was right. But she wasn’t here.

“I think Dale went that way,” Elliot tempted him.

Luke did not respond to this offered treat.

Elliot offered a different treat. “I think Serene is practising with a couple of other cadets and a longbow in the woods!”

Luke did not go off to excel at physical activities. Luke chose to sit in the dirt, because that was a super fun time.

“Do you want to hear about the significance of the dead and the attitude to mortality in harpy culture?”

Luke lifted his head for just long enough to give Elliot a baleful stare, then dropped it. “Of course I don’t.”

The autumn sun streamed down on the grassy bank, on Luke’s bent golden head and hunched broad shoulders. The stream of sunlight was broken by the moving dark, the fluttering shadows cast by the leaves and the wheeling, moving shadows cast by the harpies high above, their presence disrupting the whole sky.

“So leave,” Elliot suggested, settling himself on the bank. “Go find something more fun to do, because I’m going to talk about it.”

“Can I stop you,” Luke muttered.

He could, actually: he could have belted Elliot across the mouth to shut him up, which had been done before, though the idea of Luke doing it was so ridiculous Elliot found it quite funny. He could have surrendered like Dale or just given up and walked away. But it had been four years now, and he hadn’t: so Elliot’s priorities were first Luke, then the treaty, and a long, tragic way back, flying girlfriends.

This was not the hilarious situation Elliot had originally believed it was. Luke was upset, in a new and disturbing way. If it meant delivering Dale on a plate, carrying through peace with the harpies singlehanded, or just filling in the time until Serene returned and was able to comfort him in ways Elliot had never learned, they were going to get through this.

“Listen up, moron,” Elliot said, tenderly. “There are some things you should know.”

I hope to see some of your faces soon! I have been writing LOTS in Mexico and will at the slightest opportunity tell people all about all the stories I’m planning.

(Or there’s always skits.)

UNMADE up for a Norton award!

So I have a SUPER EXCITIN' announcement to share with you!

'The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America are pleased to announce the 2014 Nebula Awards nominees (presented 2015), for the Ray Bradbury Award for Outstanding Dramatic Presentation, and the nominees for the Andre Norton Award for Young Adult Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Congratulations to all of the nominees!

Best Novel
The Goblin Emperor, Katherine Addison (Tor)
Trial by Fire, Charles E. Gannon (Baen)
Ancillary Sword, Ann Leckie (Orbit US; Orbit UK)
The Three-Body Problem, Cixin Liu, translated by Ken Liu (Tor)
Coming Home, Jack McDevitt (Ace)
Annihilation, Jeff VanderMeer (FSG Originals; Fourth Estate; HarperCollins Canada)

Best Novella

We Are All Completely Fine, Daryl Gregory (Tachyon)
Yesterday’s Kin, Nancy Kress (Tachyon)
“The Regular,” Ken Liu (Upgraded)
“The Mothers of Voorhisville,” Mary Rickert (Tor.com 4/30/14)
Calendrical Regression, Lawrence Schoen (NobleFusion)
“Grand Jeté (The Great Leap),” Rachel Swirsky (Subterranean Summer ’14)



Best Novelette

“Sleep Walking Now and Then,” Richard Bowes (Tor.com 7/9/14)
“The Magician and Laplace’s Demon,” Tom Crosshill (Clarkesworld 12/14)
“A Guide to the Fruits of Hawai’i,” Alaya Dawn Johnson (F&SF 7-8/14)
“The Husband Stitch,” Carmen Maria Machado (Granta #129)
“We Are the Cloud,” Sam J. Miller (Lightspeed 9/14)
“The Devil in America,” Kai Ashante Wilson (Tor.com 4/2/14)



Best Short Story

“The Breath of War,” Aliette de Bodard (Beneath Ceaseless Skies 3/6/14)
“When It Ends, He Catches Her,” Eugie Foster (Daily Science Fiction 9/26/14)
“The Meeker and the All-Seeing Eye,” Matthew Kressel (Clarkesworld 5/14)
“The Vaporization Enthalpy of a Peculiar Pakistani Family,” Usman T. Malik (Qualia Nous)
“A Stretch of Highway Two Lanes Wide,” Sarah Pinsker (F&SF 3-4/14)
“Jackalope Wives,” Ursula Vernon (Apex 1/7/14)
“The Fisher Queen,” Alyssa Wong (F&SF 5/14)



Ray Bradbury Award for Outstanding Dramatic Presentation

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance), Written by Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Screenplay by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
Edge of Tomorrow, Screenplay by Christopher McQuarrie and Jez Butterworth and John-Henry Butterworth (Warner Bros. Pictures)
Guardians of the Galaxy, Written by James Gunn and Nicole Perlman (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
Interstellar, Written by Jonathan Nolan and Christopher Nolan (Paramount Pictures)
The Lego Movie, Screenplay by Phil Lord & Christopher Miller (Warner Bros. Pictures)



Andre Norton Award for Young Adult Science Fiction and Fantasy

Unmade, Sarah Rees Brennan (Random House)
Salvage, Alexandra Duncan (Greenwillow)
Love Is the Drug, Alaya Dawn Johnson (Levine)
Glory O’Brien’s History of the Future, A.S. King (Little, Brown)
Dirty Wings, Sarah McCarry (St. Martin’s Griffin)
Greenglass House, Kate Milford (Clarion)
The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender, Leslye Walton (Candlewick)


About the Nebula Awards

The Nebula Awards are voted on, and presented by, active members of SFWA. Voting will open to SFWA Active members on March 1, and close on March 30. You can find more information here! http://www.sfwa.org/nebula-awards/how-to-vote'

So, to start with, HOLY CRANBERRIES. How exciting is this?

The very first Norton award went to Holly Black for VALIANT, Holly Black around these parts being short for her full title, 'I love me some Holly Black.' Other winners, you know, Terry Pratchett, Nalo Hopkinson, Delia Sherman, that little-known J.K. Rowling lady... Other nominees include such favourite favourites of mine as: Megan Whalen Turner, Kristin Cashore, R.J. Anderson, Karen Healey, Steve Berman, Laini Taylor. Basically lists and lists of awesome, within the SFF community, a.k.a. the community of my heart.

And THIS list I'm on is a list of awesome. All awesome: if you are looking for a place to start your reading of this list, you cannot go wrong with Sarah McCarry's DIRTY WINGS or Alaya Dawn 'I've Known She Was A Genius Since She Wrote Moonshine & Am Thrilled Everyone Caught On' Johnson's LOVE IS THE DRUG. (Also for adult fare, Katherine Addison's THE GOBLIN EMPEROR is hammered gold high fantasy.) I never dared hope anything like this for Unmade, which is one of a series, and romantical, but I am both delighted and honoured.

Finishing up a series, one goes: 'Oh God, what did I spend the last four years of my life on? Could I have spent it better/done it differently/should I have done something else, would that have been better?' And you wonder, well, did writing this make a difference? And you think, maybe to a few people. (My starbunnies of delight.)

And then the starbunnies show up, and they say: no, really. We're here. We were with you all along. We thought it was good.

(And then everyone said: really, this girl is up for an award and she says stuff like starbunnies? ;))

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The 100 Parody, Season 2, Eps 1-5

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

Since I’d written the best part of several parodies on twitter, I decided to go the whole hog and put up a parody of the 100, season 2, episodes 1 to 5.

Enjoy, my doves! Here is a link to episodes 1-5 of Season 1 and Here is a link to the latter half of Season 1

THE 100, EPS 1-5

EP 1

CLARKE: I have awakened in a peaceful white room.

CLARKE: Time to smash the glass and TAKE A HOSTAGE with a glass shard!

HOSTAGE: Careful, I’m a teen cutie, bound to be someone’s love interest!

ARRAY OF ELDERLY FOLKS HAVING A TEA PARTY: Good gracious. A blood-covered lady taking a hostage with a glass shard! What a social faux pas!

CLARKE: I admit I did not expect the inside of the mountain to be a garden party.

MOUNTAIN FOLKS: Fetch the vicar!

MONTY: Clarke, Clarke!

JASPER: Clarke!

CLARKE: Babies. Subjects. Let me hold you. Your mom the queen is home and will brutally slay anyone who dares to hurt y–

JASPER: There’s awesome food here!

MONTY: Cake?

JASPER: Pie?

CLARKE: So everybody’s being nice to us, and we have pillows, and heating, and abundant delicious food?

CLARKE: … This is terrible.

CLARKE: Has nobody read Watership Down? In Watership Down, the protagonist rabbits reach a totally five-star burrow where they are made welcome and given rabbit delicacies and told to live there forever, and that turns out to be because it is a burrow where the rabbits are trapped and the men feed them and the rabbits have made a devil’s bargain! A RABBIT DEVIL BARGAIN, I say!

MONTY: …

JASPER: …

CLARKE: Bigwig almost dies!

JASPER: In the non-fancy parts of the spaceship they did not let us have luxuries such as books.

MONTY: Cake?

JASPER: Pie?

CLARKE: How are Finn and Bellamy?

JASPER: Bellamy is dead.

MONTY: … Who is Finn?

JASPER: Whoever that Finn guy is you mentioned is probably dead too.

MONTY: Cake?

JASPER: Pie?

BELLAMY: is not dead

AUDIENCE: The 100 have made a good decision this day.

BELLAMY: is running through the woods with a giant spear

AUDIENCE: Ah, classic Bellamy.

BELLAMY: Hello, tiny subjects I have found wandering in the woods.

TINY SUBJECTS: Hail to our king!

BELLAMY: I spy a mutant who has taken Finn captive! Let us fight them to release our comrade!

TINY SUBJECTS: … Who is Finn?

BELLAMY: You know, Finn! Good old Finn.

TINY SUBJECTS: Refresh our memory. What has he ever done?

BELLAMY: That’s not really Finn’s thing.

TINY SUBJECTS: Doing stuff?

BELLAMY: See! I told you that you knew him!

BELLAMY: I leap to your rescue Finn!

TINY SUBJECTS: I don’t know, boss, we don’t even know that guy…

BELLAMY: is brutally beaten and very disappointed in his tiny subjects

TINY SUBJECTS: To the king!

MUTANT: This is gonna go poorly for everyone.

SPACE VIZIER: *shoots him*

SPACE VIZIER: Bet you a million space dollars?

BELLAMY: Space vizier! This is amazing! You saved me and my tiny subjects! You saved Finn!

SPACE VIZIER: Who is Finn?

BELLAMY: It is so funny everyone is asking me that.

FINN: I am in this scene!

AUDIENCE: Classic Finn.

OCTAVIA: I am poisoned and seeing ghastly hallucinations.

LINCOLN: I go to my home, where I am a wanted criminal, to find you medicine!

ACTUAL MUTANT: I am not a ghastly hallucination, but more on that later!

CLARKE: Take me to your leader!

LEADER: I am an elderly and fancily dressed dude, fond of art, music and every other kind of culture and refined activity. Call me President Snowger Games. Trust me 100%.

BELLAMY: Now we escape the Space Vizier and return to the dropship and find our people!

FINN: That seems like a lot of work. But OK since Clarke’s there.

CLARKE: Why do you creepy people live underground like creepers?

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: You see the mutants who live on the ground are immune to radiation, and so are you space dudes, because of…?

CLARKE: …?

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Well…

CLARKE: Solar radiation!

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: SOLAR RADIATION! Exactly. Exactly. That’s a thing, right? That’s totally a thing.

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Phew that could’ve got very embarrassing.

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: Anyway we live underground because we are delicate snowflakes, allergic to radiation.

PRESIDENT SNOWGER GAMES: There! That all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Run along, cupcake!

MAYA, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CLARKE’S HOSTAGE: Pallid & Delicate Underground Flower Seeks Love Interest. Must enjoy: science experiments, believing everything I say, cake and also pie.

JASPER: Oh mama. It is Jasper’s lucky day!

MAYA: Heard you had a great chat with Snowgergames and you were going to stay in docile captivity from now on? Whoo, docile captivity!

JASPER: Cake?

MONTY: Pie?

CLARKE: Yay I love cake, pie and docile captivity.

CLARKE: … PSYCH! I hate all those things. I’m bustin outta here.

MEANWHILE, AT THE DROPSHIP: Murphy the Serial Killer stumbles upon the beautiful Raven, who immediately tries to shoot him because she is Perfect.

MURPHY: I know I shot you in the spine but have you ever considered my pain?

RAVEN: I can’t believe this gun’s out of bullets.

MURPHY: I have a tragic backstory. Let me tell you about it.

RAVEN: Let me transform my eyes into lasers and try shooting you with them.

BELLAMY: Murphy, you betrayed my people and SHOT THE PEERLESS RAVEN and I am going to kill you in the face!

MURPHY: bwrfvavgnszi!

BELLAMY: WELCOME TO MURDER TOWN.

FINN: I’m just standing here not doing a thing.

FINN: … Classic me. Did you miss me, you wily audience minxes? I know you did.

MONTY: We would come with you, Clarke, but…

JASPER: Cake!

MONTY: Also pie.

CLARKE: flees through myriad chambers of the mountain.

AUDIENCE: Watch out Clarke, there could be a dragon. I mean, he’ll be voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it won’t be SO bad…

SPACE VIZIER: Bellamy Blake! ur under arrest young man.

FINN: Uh… Murphy did, IDK, kill some people, I guess? And I think—shot that girl? I’m pretty sure we used to date. Her face is very familiar to me.

SPACE VIZIER: Arrest that guy for, oh, murdering folks, I guess.

SPACE VIZIER: But also still arrest that other guy for beating him up. And also for his insubordinate rebel leader face.

SPACE VIZIER: And leave Finn alone. He is whole in body and has done no crimes. In fact, he has done nothing at all. Which is exactly right. Please try to follow Finn’s example, class.

FINN: Everything’s coming up FINN!

BELLAMY: You are not doing much to help me.

FINN: You’re surprised?

JASPER: For God’s sake Clarke, don’t open the large door to the outside world when it is just the two of us alone in a sealed chamber! You will kill all the helpless Mountain People, who are pallid, sketchy and well-dressed, but who have given me cake!

CLARKE: …

JASPER: AND PIE.

CLARKE: Okay, anything for one of my baby subjects.

MOUNTAIN MEN: ur under arrest young lady.

BELLAMY & CLARKE, SEPARATELY: *led off in handcuffs*

BELLAMY & CLARKE, SEPARATELY: F the police.

CLARKE’S MOM WRITES ON DROPSHIP: COME HOME CLARKE!

BELLAMY: It’s funny someone wrote on the spaceship what is written on my heart.

SPACE PRESIDENT: Alone in space, drinkin.

SPACE PRESIDENT: Do I hear a baby crying?

SPACE PRESIDENT: … Man, this liquor is the good stuff.

MONTY: It’s so cool President Snowger Games let you out of chokey and sent you a sketchbook, Clarke!

JASPER: Man, sketchbooks and cake and pie. So glad you’ve embraced docile captivity, Clarke. It is the coolest.

CLARKE: Imma take my sketchbook and sketch myself an escape plan.

CLARKE: Imma take my sketchbook and kill a man, maybe.

CLARKE: Murder princess out!

JASPER: Monty, has it ever struck you that Clarke is not a restful person?

EP 2

CLARKE: Freedom! Seriously, has nobody else read Watership Down?

MILLER: I have!

CLARKE: Miller! Bellamy’s lieutenant! You’re my only hope!

MILLER: I don’t remember it super well. I think there were hamsters in it.

CLARKE: … They were rabbits, Miller.

JASPER: But have u tried the snacks though? Think about the snacks.

JASPER: I would betray u for a hot cup of cocoa.

JASPER: Actually we all would.

CLARKE: Sigh. Enjoy ur completely predictable betrayal by your mysterious underground captors, jackasses.

AUDIENCE: For Christ’s sake wash Bellamy’s face.

THE 100: No, we will keep his face a mask of blood until you love Finn!

AUDIENCE: Sigh. Enjoy ur mask, Bellamy.

BELLAMY: Release me from prison!

FINN: Can’t. Allergic to doing stuff.

BELLAMY: That’s not a thing!

FINN: Sorry, I think I hear Offscreen Plotlessness calling…

BELLAMY: Why am I even in prison and you are not when we are both criminals?

FINN: Well you attacked a murderer and I performed my usual classy move of standing around staring vacantly into space, so…

FINN: Plus you have to have noticed, I am white, so…

CLARKE’S MOM: Raven if u do not have surgery u will never walk again. But if u do u might die. Also we have no anesthetic and cutting into your spine seems traumatic. For me.

FINN: I suggest not doing anything. Please let’s all just do nothing! PLEASE.

RAVEN: Cut me!

MURPHY: Ah, Raven screaming in surgery. That was me.

BELLAMY: Yes, I know. You shot her.

MURPHY: I mean I was tortured by the Grounders. My suffering was enormous. Let me tell you about i-

BELLAMY: Your absorbing interest in ur own pain while a woman you shot screams in agony is v. uninteresting.

BELLAMY: I don’t like u and. I don’t like ur face.

BELLAMY: … also remember when u peed on a guy and then murdered him?

BELLAMY: Also remember when you hanged me?

MURPHY: Bellamy plz stop bringing up all these embarrassing details when I want a redemption arc.

BELLAMY: YOU ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN FINN.

MURPHY: Who is Finn?

CLARKE: Release me from my prison!

JASPER: no ur a loser.

JASPER: ur ruining this for me. There is pie and I could get laid.

JASPER: I hate u.

CLARKE: I saw a man with a bullet wound, that must have come from our people! I am a murder princess, I know what a bullet wound looks like!

JASPER: ur not a murder princess. ur a loser.

BELLAMY: Release me from prison!

SPACE VIZIER: no ur a loser.

BELLAMY: I must find my people I am their king!

SPACE VIZIER: NO UR A LOSER.

SPACE VIZIER: I am sure I will keep these filthy mutants in place because I am an awesome leader. Unlike you.

BELLAMY: I got guns from a storage facility where…

SPACE VIZIER: Went there already and we found MORE guns you didn’t find. Ur the worst leader ever.

BELLAMY: Wow are you telling me adult trained military personnel perform better search parties than two super high children trying to escape an assassin? You shock me, sir. What a burn on me.

BELLAMY: I mean, I hate myself. I blame myself. I failed my people. Plz search for them.

SPACE PRESIDENT: I found a baby in a filing cabinet!

SPACE PRESIDENT: I’m going to ride inside a space torpedo with this baby 2 earth.

SPACE PRESIDENT: THIS PLAN CAN’T FAIL.

SPACE VIZIER: our camp is 100% secure.

SEVERAL SOLDIERS: *get crucified*

CRUCIFIED SOLDIERS: What a burn on you, Space Vizier.

CLARKE: Why do all u ppl who live in a mountain have sockets built into ur chests?

PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: Not for any sinister reason, that is 4 SURE.

PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: … Is this your idea of pleasant brunch conversation?

CLARKE: OK let’s talk about corpses.

PRESIDENT SNOWMOUNTAIN: You are putting me off my French toast.

CLARKE’S MOM: Plz search for our missing children.

SPACE VIZIER: I totally will, except I totally have my fingers crossed.

CLARKE’S MOM: I can see them.

SPACE VIZIER: I meant to put them behind my back. My bad.

DUDES IN AUTHORITY: keep women and people of colour imprisoned and lie to them.

AUDIENCE: Keen social commentary with babes, the 100, carry on.

JASPER: Clarke if u keep being a busybody u will get kicked out.

MILLER: That seems true.

CLARKE: Minions, I am disappointed in you.

CLARKE: Also, get kicked out? All I do is try to leave and everybody begs me not to open the door! UR NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

JASPER: There’s a pillow fight in half an hour!

CLARKE: Curse the pillow fights and pink fuzzy jumpers of the oppressor!

SPACE PRESIDENT: omg the space baby was a space hallucination!

WELLS: So am I.

AUDIENCE: WELLS! WELCOME BACK. WE HAVE NO QUESTIONS. NEVER LEAVE.

WELLS: On your feet dad. Be there for your people. The only ones who care about leadership in this show are teens. Even in death, I am cooler than u.

SPACE PRESIDENT: I love my dead socially responsible son!

AUDIENCE: Don’t go Wells! DEPRIVE THE SPACE PRESIDENT OF OXYGEN SOME MORE. BRING BACK WELLS 2K14!

AUDIENCE: Seeing Wells again made it clear what a mistake it was to off him and what potential he had as a charac–

SPACE PRESIDENT: I wake up in a space missile in a desert beside the Brooklyn Bridge.

AUDIENCE: Good for you, space dictator.

CLARKE’S MOM: Raven you are paralysed in one leg from the knee down.

RAVEN: Is that how spinal injuries wor-

CLARKE’S MOM: Sure is!

FINN: Raven, you’re awake and partially paralysed after an excruciating surgery. Allow me to gently neg you.

RAVEN: u charmer. Get outta here and save the rest of the cast.

FINN: Raven no.

FINN: Raven you can’t. You can’t ask me to…

RAVEN: I am!

FINN: … do a thing…

RAVEN: I will!

FINN: Noooooooooooooooo!

FINN: Bellamy, I’m bustin you out of jail.

BELLAMY: Finn! This is so unexpected!

FINN: Raven made me.

BELLAMY: Finn! Now I understand!

LINCOLN’S BUDDY: I feed you medicine. Lincoln has been kidnapped, best give up on that guy.

OCTAVIA: I never give up on abs. I kidnap you and force the Grounder Queen to exchange hostages.

GROUNDER QUEEN: Noooo, Lincoln’s Buddy is a super valuable hostage.

OCTAVIA: Uh… thanks for telling me…

LINCOLN: Reunited, and it feels so goo…

LINCOLN: *unexpectedly re-kidnapped, along with his buddy, by band of marauding cannibals*

LINCOLN & HIS BUDDY: It has not been our day.

BELLAMY: I’m takin’ Murphy and will get grounders’ location out of him.

FINN: Bellamy no.

BELLAMY: We gotta get weapons.

FINN: Bellamy stop.

BELLAMY: I am a whirlwind of doing stuff!

FINN: BELLAMY PLEASE.

CLARKE’S MOM: Hi teens, I send you off on a dangerous search and rescue mission! Will be chillin here. Have some guns.

MILLER’S DAD: Also more guns!

FINN: Help meeeee….

BELLAMY: Guns! Sah-weet!

CLARKE: I think they are performing sinister medical experiments in this mountain! How to get put in infirmary?

CLARKE: Silly me, just have to rip apart my deep stitches with a large rusty shard of metal! What a silly billy muffin I am to be sure. Haha, blood everywhere, gristly sound effects, my plans are 100% gold.

CLARKE: Just gotta gouge my own arm.

CLARKE: Just gotta rip off a manhole with bare hands…

CLARKE: Just gotta climb to a metal room where they keep the Grounders in cages and siphon their blood.

CLARKE: I am a whirlwind of doing stuff!

VICTIMS: *hanging upside down being drained of their blood*

MORE VICTIMS, INCLUDING GROUNDER PRINCESS: *in cages awaiting their turn*

CLARKE: … Wow everyone in the mountain is a vampire?!

CLARKE: I was not expecting that!

CLARKE: Do you think the Mountain Men making know about blood types, and that transfusions are not generally done via chest socket?

GROUNDER PRINCESS: Plz just get me out of this damn cage.

EP 3

CLARKE: We’ll escape together. Just right out this chute and into a—oh my god, a cart full of dead bodies! Holy crap, cannibals! Oh no, we’re being chased by dudes with guns!

PRINCESS, WHO NOW SHE IS CLARKE’S SOLE SCREEN COMPANION SHALL BE KNOWN AS ANYA: Space wuss.

ANYA: All we have to do is hide in this perfectly nice corpse container.

CANNIBALS: I spy our lunchbox!

CLARKE: … It is time to go now.

SPACE VIZIER: So you let Bellamy escape with several guns, which might have come in useful, and Finn, who… is camp property and we’ll find a use for him one day. UNACCEPTABLE.

CLARKE’S MOM: What are you going to do about it?

SPACE VIZIER: Nothing!

BLONDE SOLDIER: *whisper whisper*

SPACE VIZIER: I MEAN, have you flogged with a space whip! In compliance with space law.

CLARKE’S MOM: I thought we just executed everybody who did any crime in space.

SPACE VIZIER: … Do you wanna be executed?

CLARKE’S MOM: I’m going with no.

SPACE VIZIER: Good call.

MURPHY: Walking through the woods tied up is uncomfortable!

FINN: Aw, buddy, I’ll free you.

BELLAMY: Finn, he shot Raven.

FINN: Quit living in the past, Bellamy. Why can’t we all get along? Let’s be bros. Let’s be forest bros!

MURPHY: Can I have a gun, bro?

BELLAMY: Serial killer says what?

MURPHY: What?

BELLAMY: That’s why you can’t have a gun!

FINN: He’s way harsh, isn’t he? I know how it is, bro.

MURPHY: Excuse me, do I know you?

MURPHY: *whispers* I want Bellamy to be my bro.

CLARKE: That way!

ANYA: Can’t hear you over the sound of my solo escape.

MOUNTAIN MEN: There you are, Clarke! We’re disappointed in you, and considering temporarily confiscating your sketchbook and your fuzzy pink jumper.

CLARKE: Die underground vampires, die!

ANYA: I leap to assist you! And then I leap off a waterfall!

CLARKE: I can’t swim…

ANYA: Space wuss.

CLARKE: NOBODY CALLS THE MURDER PRINCESS A SPACE WUSS.

CLARKE: *leaps*

CLARKE’S MOM: *tied to a post, whipped with a sizzling space whip*

SPACE VIZIER: This hurts me more than it hurts you!

CLARKE’S MOM: Bet you one million space dollars?

FINN: That’s Clarke’s watch. It was her father’s before hers and is of immense emotional significance to my lady.

BELLAMY: Murder princesses do not give stuff up without a fight.

FINN: I can’t believe I’m about to say this but…

FINN: DO SOMETHING.

FINN: … Something has broken within me as I say those words.

OCTAVIA: Hello, mutant queen? Can I come with you and rescue my sweetie?

MUTANT QUEEN: You took one of our people hostage last episode! KILL HER.

OCTAVIA: Okay I’ll come along behind!

OCTAVIA: I just thought it would be cool to go together. But it’s whatever.

MONTY: Jasper, where’s Clarke?

JASPER: I dunno, but here is cake!

JASPER: And here is pie!

MONTY: I don’t know. Suddenly I’m feeling… not that hungry.

JASPER: Monty, you’re upsetting me.

BELLAMY: *tackles and captures mutant*

FINN: Let’s take the mutant to Clarke’s and my sex bomb shelter and question him!

BELLAMY: *questions him*

MUTANT: I don’t know where they are, I found this watch on the ground.

AUDIENCE: It’s true!

BELLAMY: It could be true?

FINN: TORCHER HIM.

BELLAMY: That time I tortured my sister’s boyfriend turned out real awkward.

FINN: *PISTOLWHIPS TIED-UP GUY*

BELLAMY: JESUS FINN SETTLE.

FINN: *points a gun at Bellamy*

BELLAMY: *wrestles Finn into submission*

MUTANT: Uh, I guess Clarke and the others went that way.

MURPHY: Better kill him.

BELLAMY: Murphy!

MURPHY: *cackles* What? I am a serial killer. Love me.

BELLAMY: No, Murphy.

MURPHY: Is that a no on the killing or on the lov-

BELLAMY: BOTH. I sense that the murder princess would not let her people kill a helpless prisoner, like I sense she specifically did that in the last episode of last season. THEREFORE, we are not executing a tied-up prisoner. Come at me. Try to come through me. Come on. Fight me.

GUN: Bang bang.

FINN: I shot him dead! I luv Clarke. Let’s go find her.

MURPHY: Finn I am stunned!

BELLAMY: FINN YOU ARE GROUNDED.

MUTANTS: use Octavia as bait

OCTAVIA: That’s cool. I just wanted to be part of the gang.

MUTANTS: beat up the cannibals

OCTAVIA: saves the Mutant Queen

MUTANT QUEEN: And now we free the prisoners!

OCTAVIA: But where is the sexiest prisoner of all?

MUTANT QUEEN: I guess they ate him already.

OCTAVIA: Oh Lincoln, Lincoln, why did you have to be so magically delicious?

SPACE VIZIER: One more thing?

CLARKE’S MOM: Are you going to execute me?

SPACE VIZIER: I have to go make peace with the mutants so I’m making you president! Do you have whiplash?

SPACE VIZIER: Oooh, unfortunate turn of words. My B.

CLARKE’S MOM: … Aren’t you glad you undermined my authority as the new president by having me whipped in front of all those people?

SPACE VIZIER: Can’t hear you over the sound of my new mission. Gotta go. Byeeeeeee.

CLARKE: Oh my god, Anya, we’re alive!

ANYA: I express joy by hitting you over the head with a rock and making you my captive.

CLARKE: … That is not our custom in space.

ANYA: Space wuss.

DASTARDLY STRANGERS: Ah captives for our dastardly experimentations!

DASTARDLY STRANGERS: … Bring us the hottie.

LINCOLN: My life would be so much less complicated if I was just a little bit less cute.

EP 4

SPACE PRESIDENT: Here I am on earth! Very sandy.

DESERT MUTANTS: Hello. Enjoy some bugs.

SPACE PRESIDENT: What a cute radiation-touched face your son has.

SPACE PRESIDENT: Reminds me of my Wells…

AUDIENCE: Quit rubbing it in, Space President!

DESERT MUTANTS: In vengeance, we sell you to more plot-adjacent mutants.

ANYA: Come, my captive, we must evade the Mountain Men! First we cover ourselves with mud! Damn, they’re still tracking us. Time to kill you, I guess.

CLARKE: Not to get all technologically superior on you, but maybe you’re wearing a tracker?

ANYA: Oh yeah.

CLARKE: Let me just cut that-

ANYA: Imma bite it out. No big.

CLARKE: …

ANYA: Thanks about that tracker tip, girl. Haha, imagine if I’d murdered you for no reason. Boy, would my face be red.

MAYA: You know what I like in a man? An exposed jugular.

JASPER: I am so excited to have met a cool girl like you!

MONTY: Could I have a word…?

JASPER: Monty! Let a playah play.

MONTY: Very concerned about Clarke’s whereabouts.

JASPER: The Mountain Men say she’s crazy and they had to institutionalize her.

MONTY: !!!!

JASPER: Story checks out. Clarke killed a BUNCH of people, Monty.

MONTY: Jasper! Clarke killed a bunch of people… for us.

JASPER: Cake?

JASPER: Pie?

CLARKE: Wait, Anya, did you see—me stabbing you in the neck with a dart coming?

CLARKE: Looks like no.

REDSHIRT: My friend cliff lady is down there on the cliff! I go get her.

FINN: Leave her to die.

REDSHIT: Splat.

BELLAMY: … Imma go get her.

FINN: Consider this: not doing anything. Leaving her to die?

BELLAMY: *rappels using a makeshift seatbelt rope*

MURPHY: don’t worry, Bellamy. I won’t drop you.

MAKESHIFT SEATBELT ROPE: breaks, obviously

MURPHY: *seizes it by his lonesome*

BELLAMY: Wow is this a relief. I totally thought Murphy was being sarcastic.

WITH SOME EFFORT AND ARROWS FLYING, BELLAMY AND CLIFF LADY: are pulled up. Serial Killer saves the day!

CLIFF LADY: THANK YOU FINN. U SAVED ME. THANK YOU.

FINN: I didn’t really do anything.

FINN: But in my experience the ladies are way into that.

FINN: If that’s what gets your motor running…

FINN: Baby, I’m your man.

MURPHY: *long look at Bellamy*

BELLAMY: Huh.

OCTAVIA: Guess who saved you from the mutants shooting arrows.

OCTAVIA: I’ll give you one clue, it starts with ‘Octavia’ and ends with ‘is awesome’!

BELLAMY: OCTAVIA! Hug me, girl!

BELLAMY: I have been hanging out with these losers for days!

OCTAVIA: Hahaha sounds like torture.

BELLAMY: It was real bad. Finn tortured a guy! The redshirts abandoned me one time! And I’m starting to think the serial killer has a crush on me!

OCTAVIA: Hahaha, losers.

MURPHY: Hey!

OCTAVIA: You shot Raven.

CLIFF LADY: Hey!

OCTAVIA: You fell off a cliff like a loser.

REDSHIRT: Hey!

OCTAVIA: You got shot in the leg like a failboat.

FINN: Hey!

OCTAVIA: I don’t even know who you are, man.

FINN: We flirted in the pilot?

OCTAVIA: I’ve done a lot of stuff since the pilot.

FINN: What you’re saying is distasteful to me in the extreme!

BELLAMY: I’m going back to camp to get these ladies medical attention.

FINN: F u and your ‘missions’ of ‘mercy’, I’m gonna find Clarke.

BELLAMY: k. Good luck with that. Hope you do.

MURPHY: I’m gonna go with Finn because I think they might unjustly put me back in jail for being a serial killer.

FINN: Glad to have you, buddy.

BELLAMY: Wait.

MURPHY: Parting is such sweet sorrow.

BELLAMY: Huh.

BELLAMY: … Anyway, take this gun. Bring back my princess and my people. Do a thing. I’m counting on you!

CLARKE: I drag my captive back to camp!

CLARKE: I espy a blurred message written on a spaceship!

CLARKE: ‘Clarke doom comes?’ Is this the script for season three? It’s very blurred but it does seem plausible…

ANYA: I attack you!

AUDIENCE: Whoo, chick fight!

TWO PEOPLE IN FUNCTIONAL CLOTHING: battle viciously to the death

AUDIENCE: … Ladies, this is so violent…

ANYA: tries to choke Clarke

AUDIENCE: Ladies, settle down…

CLARKE: bashes Anya over the head with a skull

AUDIENCE: Sometimes we think terrible physical trauma isn’t sexy at all.

RAVEN: Bummed to be paralyzed in one leg, but determined to be a whirlwind of doing stuff nonetheless! Mission locate all possible space and delinquent personnel is a go!

RAVEN: Also, unlike everyone else who are covered in mud and blood which has mixed to form a strawberry jam-like substances, I am keeping my face meticulously clean.

AUDIENCE: This is Raven Reyes’s face. Finn, Bellamy, Clarke and Murphy do not have Raven Reyes’s face, sadly for them. But they could make an effort.

SPACE BUDDY: Hi, audience, do you remember me from season one where the Space Vizier found me stuck in a door? Raven, do you remember me from our previous apparent friendly rivalry?

RAVEN: Sure, but get lost, I’m busy.

SPACE BUDDY: I could help?

RAVEN: Boy… help?

SPACE BUDDY, ALSO KNOWN AS WICK: I made you a brace for your leg!

RAVEN: Boy… do things?

WICK: I respect your right to try to climb a tower and realize the extent of your own physical limitations on your own!

RAVEN: This idea of boys doing stuff is new to me, I’m a little flustered!

RAVEN: … wait, I’ve just had a brilliant idea to make a balloon beacon to lead Clarke home!

CLARKE: I follow Raven’s beacon home, and let you go, Anya.

ANYA: I take it all back, Clarke! You’re not a space wuss at all.

CLARKE: Let us make peace between our people.

AUDIENCE: Anya no. Anya, don’t offer to help solve a protagonist’s plot problems!

ANYA: … DONE.

ANYA: *is immediately shot dead by Space Soldiers, who drag Clarke away*

EP 5

SNOWGER GAMES: Welcome to my inner sanctum, Jasper. I hear you have some questions about Clarke.

JASPER: It’s more Monty, really.

SNOWGER GAMES: Sure, but you seem a lot more…

JASPER: Nerdily appealing?

SNOWGER GAMES: … Gullible.

SPACE VIZIER: Just because I’m leading a dangerous mission into hostile territory, can I not have some private time with my plantpot?!

RANDO SOLDIER: Uh, the prisoner’s being recalcitrant.

SPACE VIZIER: Nah, he seems like a cool guy. I think, given the fact we captured him and tied him up for days, my last-minute effort to be friends is going to go great. Right, mutant buddy?

MUTANT BUDDY: *murder eyes*

SPACE VIZIER: This is gonna be awesome.

SPACE SOLDIERS: *drag Clarke into camp*

CLARKE’S MOM: Wait, that’s my daughter!

BLONDE SOLDIER: Well, in fairness, these delinquents are just not washing their faces. Have you seen that Bellamy kid? He has been up to the eyebrows in strawberry jam for days.

CLARKE’S MOM: Step off, who made you the hygiene police?

CLARKE: Mom, I thought you were dead!

CLARKE’S MOM: No honey, just a bunch of other people. Mostly unnamed characters.

CLARKE: Mom, are Finn and Bellamy dead?

CLARKE’S MOM: No, cupcake! They have names.

CLARKE: I break down and cry with relief.

AUDIENCE: Oh Clarke baby I’m sorry your life is an apocalyptic hellscape.

AUDIENCE: We’re glad your loved ones are alive.

AUDIENCE: Even Finn!

SARAH: … Well, let’s not get carried away.

JASPER: So President Snowger Games said I could go find Clarke, but I dunno, I’m not really feeling it.

MONTY: Jasper! Do you remember the WWCD bracelet Bellamy used to wear? Do you remember what those initials stood for?

JASPER: No.

MONTY: What Would Clarke Do? Words to live by! We must save the murder princess.

JASPER: I have doubts.

MAYA: OMG it’s conveniently timed face-melting o’clock!

JASPER: OMG we must save Maya!

MONTY: Knock knock.

JASPER: Who’s there?

MONTY: Judging u.

MOUNTAIN DOCTOR: Uh, we could try a totally experimental, new and never-used-before procedure whereby we give Maya all Jasper’s blood!

MONTY: But what about blood types?

JASPER: I’m in.

MONTY: But why do you have all the equipment ready for this experimental procedure?

JASPER: Do it. I don’t wanna be single in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

MONTY: I’m not a doctor, but my diagnosis is… BS.

DOCTOR: How’s about you go to the waiting room, Monty?

MONTY’S REACTION

AUDIENCE: Mount Weather is now known as Monty Weather. Save Monty!

AUDIENCE: A vampire in a velvet smoking jacket has strapped Lincoln to an Ab Table so he can admire his abs! … Proceed, vampire.

AUDIENCE: Oh no, he’s shooting him up as part of a bizarre experiment. It wasn’t the abs at all. Vampire, we feel betrayed.

AUDIENCE: Oh now he’s got Lincoln and another… guy of colour… um, fighting to the death for drugs. That and the experimenting. Whoa.

AUDIENCE: Why so racist, vampire?

DR VAMPIRE: I’m a villain, so…

LINCOLN: Why am I always shirtless and tortured? Is it the abs? Am I absking for it?

CLARKE: *wakes up* Up and at ’em! Time to find my friends and my people! Man, I can’t believe I slept for ten hours after jumping off a waterfall and fighting to the death and getting knocked around by the military! What a lazybones, haha, am I right?

CLARKE’S MOM: Honey, slow down—

CLARKE’S MOM: Honey, stop—

CLARKE: No offence Mom, but have you met me?

RAVEN: Clarke! I was waiting outside all night.

CLARKE: *hugs* Because we’re a true sromance.

RAVEN: Sros 4 lyfe.

CLARKE: Sympathies on your leg.

RAVEN: Dealing with it awesomely. Am awesome.

CLARKE: Most beautiful and brilliant lady in the apocalyptic wasteland says what?

RAVEN: What!

GATES: *open*

SOLDIERS: seize Bellamy’s weapon because he is a delinquent

SOLDIERS: leave Octavia armed to the teeth because she is a lady

CLARKE: BELLAMY!

RAVEN: Cool, and Octavia and Monroe!

CLARKE: BELLamy?

RAVEN: … I see you need a moment.

CLARKE: *nods* Bellamy.

RAVEN: Go on, you.

SPACE PEEPS: Whoa that lady is GOING like a freight train of love set on a collision course! Who will she collide with?

CLARKE: Choo choo!

SPACE PEEPS: Now she is LEAPING like a lioness on an antelope! Who is that shocked but delighted antelope?

BELLAMY: … it me?

CLARKE: BELLAMY!

BELLAMY: M-m-m-murder princess?

BELLAMY: I have never been hugged by murder royalty before!

BELLAMY: This is such an honour. I’m not sure where to put my hands! Is it cool if I embrace you?

CLARKE: *nuzzling*

BELLAMY: I’m going to take that as a yes.

BELLAMY: I have no words.

BELLAMY: Except that, in the words of one of our ancient and most revered prophets, oh sinking ships/you came back just in time/this love is good/this love is bad/this love is alive/back from the dead/murder princess murdered free/this love came back to me…

OCTAVIA: What up, nerd, people are staring. And pointing. And holding up scorecards.

BELLAMY: Octavia PLEASE let me have this. Besides, I am laughing into a murder princess’s hair, so joke’s on YOU.

CLARKE: Octavia, hurrah! Hugs for you also!

OCTAVIA: Haha, you’re not hugging me like you hugged BELLAMY. Of course, if you did I would topple backwards and we’d be rolling in the dirt.

BELLAMY (muttering): Curse my stalwart physique…

BELLAMY: Princess, did you murder our people free?

CLARKE: No, we have to get on that. Wait, it’s just occurred to me something’s missing…?

BELLAMY: … well…

CLARKE: Something…?

BELLAMY: … if you wanted, we could kiss a little…?

CLARKE: I meant Finn.

BELLAMY: I don’t know how to say this any more strongly. WHO’S FINN?

CLARKE: …

BELLAMY: Oh right. No, I remember. Oh wow, I sent him off into the woods with a serial killer. And I gave the serial killer a gun!

BELLAMY: … Sometimes I still have bad ideas.

CLARKE: Okay enough hugging, time to rescue Finn from a) mutants b) Murphy c) himself!

CLARKE’S MOM: Can I see you alone for a minute, Clarke?

RAVEN & OCTAVIA: *leave*

CLARKE’S MOM: *coughs* Bellamy?

BELLAMY: Hmmm?

CLARKE’S MOM: Leave, Bellamy.

BELLAMY: … I can’t. We’re married.

CLARKE’S MOM: WHAT?

CLARKE: What?

BELLAMY: What.

CLARKE: We’re not married, Mom. But he does have to be with me at all times because we have a close bond of co-leadership forged in blood. It’s platonic. It’s normal.

CLARKE’S MOM: Yeah, congratulations on being normal, kids.

CLARKE’S MOM: Well here’s the thing, how about we don’t rescue Finn and Murphy?

CLARKE’S MOM: I can’t say I find them to be compelling characters.

CLARKE: Mom we can’t just abandon our subjects because they’re not compelling characters!

BELLAMY: ’Sright. Also you did send a team of armed delinquent children to find other children the other day.

CLARKE’S MOM: Yes, I sent some gross janitor guy and a bunch of other dirty faces off to find MY child, I’m not going to send my precious baby after randoms!

BELLAMY: Babe, I am 100% committed to our marriage…

CLARKE: We’re not married.

BELLAMY: … But I gotta tell you, I don’t like my mother-in-law.

CLARKE’S MOM: I gotta go. Clarke, sweetheart, I’m sorry to say I have to leave you alone in a tent with this muscular bad boy, and I guess you’re going to do… whatever unfortunate things you’re going to do.

BELLAMY: That was uncanny.

BELLAMY: How did she know that as soon as she left, we were going to plot to break out and steal weapons?

BELLAMY: So weird.

CLARKE: Uh… sure. That’s totally… what she meant. Let’s get going.

BELLAMY: Wait. Those three little words. I have to hear them from you.

CLARKE: … We need guns?

BELLAMY: I’ve missed us.

RAVEN: Plot Accomplishers, assemble! Here are your weapons.

OCTAVIA: I get weapons and you can’t stop me, Bellamy.

BELLAMY: Wasn’t gonna.

OCTAVIA: Glad our relationship has become more mature, respectful and accepting of me gettin’ some play and doin’ some murders, bro!

BELLAMY: Izzy wizzy wuzzums. Who’s a little murder princess in training? Is it you? It is!

RAVEN: This boy Wick is de-electrifying the electric fences because I asked him to.

CLARKE: Oooooh girl.

RAVEN: I know right, boys doing stuff, still getting used to it!

FINN: Let’s get those mutants and make them talk! They’re hiding our friends in this place.

MURPHY: How do I describe this place? Little town./It’s a quiet village./Every day./Like the one before… By which I mean, they are not hiding hostages in the sugar bowl!

FINN: They COULD be.

FINN: You don’t KNOW.

MURPHY: You’re real new to doing stuff, huh?

SPACE VIZIER: You guys all go away, so that I can go on alone with my mutant buddy, and free his hands, and I can singlehandedly make peace and have a picnic with the mutants!

SPACE VIZIER: Mutant picnic! I CANNOT WAIT.

MUTANT BUDDY: *knocks him out*

MUTANT BUDDY: *throws him in a pit*

SPACE VIZIER: … this is not buddies.

CLARKE’S MOM: Did you let Clarke go off to do plot?

RAVEN: Uh-huh.

CLARKE’S MOM: *slaps Raven*

AUDIENCE: Not wanting to find Murphy and Finn is understandable.

AUDIENCE: BUT FOR SOME CRIMES THE ONLY PUNISHMENT IS DEATH.

CLARKE’S MOM: She’s my little girl.

RAVEN: Well, this is just a guess. But maybe, when you handed her father in to die…

RAVEN: And got her imprisoned and sent down to a hostile planet…

RAVEN: Where she fought and killed to survive…

RAVEN: And became murderous queen of a band of feral children…

RAVEN: I’m just saying, these life experiences might have changed her.

RAVEN: Maybe. Just a thought. Raven out!

BELLAMY: *gazes lovingly at his sister sleeping by firelight*

BELLAMY: *gazes lovingly at his murder princess sleeping by firelight*

CLARKE: Hey.

BELLAMY: If I eventually tear my eyes away from you for .01 seconds then resume my loving staring, that’s normal, right?

CLARKE: Congratulations on being so normal, Bellamy.

BELLAMY: Remember when you left me to die?

CLARKE: I’m sorr-

BELLAMY: *tender look* I have never loved you more.

BELLAMY: I’m the one who’s sorry! You left a perfectly good Finn in my care, and I TRIED to take care of him, and I learned his name and everything, but—he has gone all wrong. He’s doing things.

CLARKE: That doesn’t sound like Finn!

BELLAMY: Things like murder. The bad kind. I’m pretty sure.

BELLAMY: I don’t know, maybe I’m a bad leader. Maybe I should have washed his face more.

CLARKE: We all make bad hygiene decisions in the apocalypse, Bellamy.

BELLAMY: What I’m trying to say is, girl, I respect your leadership decisions and believe wholeheartedly that you are a truly good person, despite your doubts in yourself in dark and desperate times.

CLARKE: Bellamy, I feel the same way about you.

BELLAMY: You do?

CLARKE: I do!

BELLAMY: MARRIED. No takesie backsies.

OCTAVIA: I can’t sleep any more because you guys keep doing your gross leadership talk when I am right here.

BELLAMY: OCTAVIA PLEASE. I want the murder princess to think I am COOL.

OCTAVIA: Let’s go find Whatshisface. Man, I miss my Lincoln.
BELLAMY: Don't be sad. Love you.

OCTAVIA: Reunions are so great.

AUDIENCE: AGREED.

FINN: Tell us where my girlfriend is, hapless hostages!

MURPHY: Hostages, I am sorry. You’re embarrassed, hostages. I’m embarrassed. Finn’s being embarrassing. He’s like that drunk persistent guy you bring to a party, except he has a machine gun.

FINN: Tell me or I kill you all!

MURPHY: I swear, I barely know him. It’s just he’s my ride home, you know? Gah.

MUTANT BUDDY: Haha, untying me? We make friends via battle to the death! Did you not see Anya and Clarke’s badass fight? Clarke bonked Anya with a skull, it was hardcore.

SPACE VIZIER: Owwww.

SPACE PREZ: Vizier?!

SPACE VIZIER: Your Spacejesty!

SPACE PREZ: Oh no, if you’re here, who’s making the bad decisions for our people now?!

SPACE VIZIER: And what’s going to happen to us?

MUTANT BUDDY: Welcome to Mutant Thunderdome.

HOSTAGES: We’re outtie.

MURPHY: I understand. Call me later.

FINN: *starts shooting everyone*

MURPHY: Finn, you are shaming me!

GUNFIRE: sounds

CLARKE: That is the sound of bad decision-making. Run!

FINN: Who’s the murder princess now, huh? Who’s the murder princess now?

OCTAVIA: …

BELLAMY: …

CLARKE: …

FINN: Everyone kept saying ‘why doesn’t Finn ever do a thing?’ Well, I told you I should never do anything! I told you and told you!

FINN: Oh hey, babe.

CLARKE: …

I think we can all agree what really important thing was accomplished in episode 5: Everyone washed their faces.

THE 100 PARODY, PART 2

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

Here is a parody of the rest of season one of the 100, my doves! I hope you enjoy it. I swear practically all of it is true. Here is a link to episodes 1-5

We resume our story in space, where they worship plant pots, and on earth, where a band of misfit teenagers are ruled by a handsome janitor and a murder princess…

EP 6

SPACE FLASHBACK

BELLAMY & OCTAVIA’S MOM: I give birth in dire grim lonely bloodiness as second children are forbidden in space, pass out and leave 5 year old Bellamy alone clutching his baby sister. Remember she is your sole responsibility Bellamy!

BELLAMY: …

BELLAMY: I sense I am going to grow up to have real problems.

BELLAMY & OCTAVIA’S MOM: I spend 15 years prostituting myself to make sure the guards warn me when they are doing an inspection so we can hide Octavia in the floor. Our whole life is hiding Octavia.

OCTAVIA: I dun like it in the floor! I wanna leave our single-room home and meet other people! I hate you guys.

BELLAMY: Luv u. Don’t be sad. Look, I sneak you out to a masquerade ball in space.

OCTAVIA: I dance and flirt with 2 boys at once, amazingly socially adept for someone who grew up in the floor.

BELLAMY: Aw. I live only for your happiness.

GUARDS: Random spaceship inspection! Octavia is caught!

BELLAMY: I will prostitute myself to save Octavia. I will do anything. I will get all kinds of nasty and freaky!

EVIL GUARD: Um… Not interested?

SPACE PRESIDENT: kills their mom.

SPACE PRESIDENT: imprisons Octavia.

BELLAMY: made to be a space janitor, living in his grim Flowers-in-the-Space-Attic alone with his guilt and misery.

EVIL GUARD: Octavia’s being sent down to earth which may be radioactive and instantly kill everyone.

BELLAMY: I wanna go with her!

EVIL GUARD: You can if you shoot the space president.

BELLAMY: DONE.

SPACE PRESIDENT: Who could have predicted he would react badly to his life!

CURRENTLY ON EARTH

OCTAVIA: I have wandered off, fallen down a hill and knocked myself out, and awoken in a cave, the prisoner of a mutant dude. He is totes silent and savage seeming at all times. So. That is a thing that is happening. I sure am winning at the apocalypse.

RAVEN: Imma cut ur hair, Finn.

AUDIENCE: THIS LADY IS A HERO OF THE REVOLUTION.

BELLAMY: Octavia is missing! I will find her or die trying! I need someone to help me… someone with ideas… but I can rely on no-one… except maybe… my murder princess?

CLARKE: Ten four, on it, assemble the troops!

BELLAMY: Thank you murder princess.

CLARKE: Very mad at you for getting those 300 people killed.

BELLAMY: … Very fair.

BELLAMY: I need a master tracker! I think we have one! Is his name Jinn?

FINN: I’ll come but only because this girlfriend situation is awks as hell.

AUDIENCE: At no time on the quest does Finn do any tracking. Bellamy leads the way 100% of the time.

FINN: Tracking is doing stuff, people.

TROOPS: Why is Finn not doing any tracking?

BELLAMY: Which one of you is Finn, again?

BELLAMY: Team save my sister!

CLARKE: Team me and Raven rebuild radio to contact spaceship, tell them earth is safe to live on, save world.

CLARKE: Bitches get stuff done.

RAVEN: I see we both own metal origami animals so… did you do my boyfriend? He has a move. A metal origami move. It’s a weird move but as we can see, it works.

CLARKE: I certainly didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, due to him not telling me like a weasel in order to get laid.

RAVEN: I instantly cease blaming you as I am classy.

CLARKE: I guess… he could not know when you two would be reunited, so…

RAVEN: Since I have loved him all my life and believed we would do absolutely anything for each other and I visited him every day in jail and then risked an agonising death of organ failure and fiery inferno on the chance of being with him again… he could have waited 10 days before getting down with another girl.

CLARKE: Terrible silence of agreeing that yes indeed.

AUDIENCE: Terrible silence of contemplating Finn’s character.

OCTAVIA: After many attempts to escape mutant kidnapper, I end up chained in his cave. Who knows what will be my fate? One really would not blame me for expecting sexual assault.

BELLAMY: Our group arrives to rescue you!

MUTANT KIDNAPPER: *stabs Finn*

AUDIENCE: YOU’RE OUR HERO, MUTANT KIDNAPPER.

BELLAMY: *carries Finn home princess style*

BELLAMY: Quickly, murder princess!

BELLAMY: … do you know who this guy is?

RAVEN & CLARKE: Time to join forces to save our terrible boyfriend. Suspense!

OCTAVIA: Ugh you’re the worst and I hate you, Bellamy. All you do is shoot presidents for me and make yourself leader of crazed gangs in order to protect me and stow away to possibly lethal radioactive planets to be with me and now launch rescue missions with several fatalities in order to save me from a situation I got into by wandering off and falling over my own feet. I was fine. That guy who had me chained up in a cave seemed TOTALLY nice.

OCTAVIA: I hate u.

BELLAMY: Luv… NO, OKAY, FINE. HATE U ALSO.

BELLAMY: … I go contemplate the nightmare that is my life. Aside from that threesome, that was OK.

EP 7

SPACE VIZIER: Wow we killed 300 people but it turned out earth is habitable.

SPACE VIZIER: In a strange turn, I feel SUPER GUILTY.

SPACE PREZ: Don’t feel bad. We only have enough spaceships to get half of the 2000 people on our spaceship to earth. We would definitely have killed those people anyway. We will kill more. Death death death.

SPACE PREZ: I am a noble leader.

VERONICA VAN EVIL: I randomly show up and want to help on the space council.

SPACE PREZ: I welcome u, Veronica Van Evil!

CLARKE: We have established radio contact with you space president!

SPACE PREZ: Is my son safe?

CLARKE: No… he’s super dead… but come on, space president, you had to know that was on the cards…

SPACE PREZ: my grief might be more sympathetic if I did less ‘culling’ of my ‘population’

CLARKE: Could we get some medical advice? It is an emergency. Our white male lead has been stabbed!

THE 100: And now, a scene in which a black gentleman is chained up and hit and electrocuted in the nips. Yikes. I mean, moral ambiguity, okay, but yikes.

BELLAMY: He stabbed one of my people and up with such things I will not put, even if it was… whatshisface.

CLARKE: Finn.

BELLAMY: Cool, whatever.

OCTAVIA: Do not do this! When he kidnapped me and chained me up in his dark cave and I was terrified and screaming, I thought he had kind eyes and good intentions and six-pack abs!

CLARKE: You stabbed my beloved Finn with an ornate poisoned blade, please tell us what the antidote is.

RAVEN: No you stabbed MY beloved Finn with an ornate poisoned blade, please tell us what the antidote is. *waves electrocutions*

BELLAMY: TELL US WHAT THE ANTIDOTE IS. INCIDENTALLY I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH WHATSHISFACE.

BELLAMY: Murder princess, you do not have to watch the torture if it would… emotionally… huRT you or something?

RAVEN: *waves electrocutions* I love Finn so much!

CLARKE: I do anything for Finn!

LINCOLN THE MUTANT: I’ll never tell! I am an impregnable fortress of secrets.

OCTAVIA: What if I were poisoned? Would you tell me what the antidote was?

LINCOLN: Obviously! You are super hot.

OCTAVIA: Solve problems through hotness, not torture. Jackasses.

FINN: *spends most of the episode unconscious and foaming*

AUDIENCE: Aw, he’s doing a thing!

AUDIENCE: Wait, does Finn have chest hair? I thought that was illegal on the CW.

CLARKE: I heal u Finn.

RAVEN: Speak to us Finn.

BELLAMY: I protect all my subjects.

BELLAMY: But just quickly remind me of this one’s name.

LINCOLN: Sexy mama lemme whisper in your ear… I can speak English. I didn’t use any English to tell you how to save your poisoned comrade or anything.

OCTAVIA: That’s very romantic.

LINCOLN: We are in love.

OCTAVIA: Let us run away and have sex in the cave where you had me chained up as I screamed in terror. MEMORIES!

LINCOLN: Oh no the dude I stabbed intercepts my escape. Surely he will sound the alarm, attack me, or at least have questions.

FINN: Oh no, dude, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I don’t really… do stuff.

EP. 8

CLARKE: Space President, we have now made a technological leap from paper cups on a string to space, to fuzzy radio, to a full-on skype chat sesh! People would like to talk to their moms now.

SPACE PREZ: Would you like to talk to your mom?

CLARKE: No, because you and my mom killed my dad Space John Green and I am mad.

SPACE PREZ: That’s hurtful, Clarke.

CLARKE: Everybody loves John Green! Everybody misses his vlogs!

HIRED ASSASSIN RANDO: … Mom?

EVIL GUARD: I hire you to assassinate Bellamy.

HIRED ASSASSIN: OK, mom. P.S. you look really different.

CLARKE: Bellamy, come with me to a secret store of supplies the space president only just mentioned because it would in no way have been useful before.

BELLAMY: Anything you want, murder princess. Why me tho?

CLARKE: Just curious to see what the group will do without their leaders, to be honest. My bet is paint their faces with dirt.

BELLAMY: I’m bringing a lot of food with me. But not because I’m going on the run since the space prez is coming to kill me.

CLARKE: I am sure he won’t kill you.

BELLAMY: He executes people for stealing gum and I tried to assassinate him.

CLARKE: … that’s a good point.

BELLAMY: Octavia, I’m sorry I rescued you from a dark cave where you were chained up at risk of my own life.

OCTAVIA: h8 you 5eva.

BELLAMY: Love u but sometimes wonder what it would be like if someone was nice to me.

FINN: Raven, I cheated on you. I know that you know this, or else I would not tell you.

RAVEN: Do me.

FINN: I still want to cheat on you.

RAVEN: Do me on it.

FINN: I’m going to try and cheat on you again.

RAVEN: Do the slow bone.

FINN: I’m not sure why this is going so well for me.

THEIR LEADERS GONE, OUR MERRY BAND: *accidentally all get high on berry drugs*

MONTY: I can’t control the moon.

CONNOR: I am the most beautiful broom in a closet.

FINN & RAVEN: Guys, we are naked.

CLARKE: Supplies! Yay blankets!

BELLAMY: Dumb blankets. Dumb… huge bucket of guns…

BELLAMY: Murder princess, it’s MURDER CHRISTMAS!

BELLAMY: I think we should bring these machine guns back to our camp of delinquent teenagers!

CLARKE: … oh no…

BELLAMY: we need to protect ourselves from mutants though?

CLARKE: True. OK but we’ll need safeguards and precautions!

BELLAMY: I don’t know what those things are? Are they berries? You should have all the berries you want, murder princess.

CLARKE: Good enough! Teach me how to use a machine gun.

BELLAMY: …

BELLAMY: … the way you handle a loaded weapon gets me OVERwhelMED.

CLARKE: Sorry, what?

BELLAMY: I am super high and I hallucinate the space president and those 300 dead people who as it turns out don’t matter narratively at all.

BELLAMY: Oh God I am a monster, a monster, kill me, I am a terrible monster, I deserve only death!

HIRED ASSASSIN: … wow, I did not expect assassination to be THIS easy, but OK?

CLARKE: Try it and I machine gun you in the face!

BELLAMY: … murder princess?

HIRED ASSASSIN: I did not expect tiny blondes with large machine guns either.

BELLAMY: I tackle you!

CLARKE: I machine-gun-whip you!

BELLAMY: I cut your throat in a grisly struggle! … this is kind of our THING.

CLARKE: I can’t believe we killed a dude together AGAIN.

BELLAMY: I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

CLARKE: I know you are a murder-obsessed lunatic, but please do not leave us. I am 100% certain that the whole group would just sit around eating crayons til we all died. I need you.

BELLAMY: I will never leave you murder princess. Do you wanna talk about your issues with your mother? I am here to emotionally support you and murder people, and I am temporarily out of murder victims.

CLARKE: Oh God we are cuddled up against a tree hallucinating while covered in blood and dirt and there is a corpse at our feet, this is a living nightmare.

BELLAMY: This is the no. 1 most romantic moment of my life.

CLARKE: Space Prez, I am going to straight-up blackmail you into letting Bellamy live.

SPACE PREZ: Done!

BELLAMY: On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a murder and a blackmail…

FINN: Man, I wish Bellamy, who princess carried me through the woods and tried his best to get an antidote to my poison, was getting executed.

CLARKE: What are you talking about? Who doesn’t like Bellamy?

FINN: But we’re co-presidents of the I Hate Bellamy Club…?

CLARKE: No, I was the secretary, and anyway I burned all the minutes of our meetings.

FINN: Did you burn the minutes of the ‘Princess Was My Nickname & He Stole It’ meeting?

CLARKE: It sounds different when he says it. Murderier, for one thing.

FINN: Did you burn the minutes of the ‘Nobody Asked Him To Take Off His Shirt Anyway?’ meeting?

CLARKE: I burned them all! I trust him, shirt or no shirt!

FINN: BELLAMY? Why would you trust BELLAMY?

CLARKE: I know right, after that bastard slept with me when he had a girlfriend I didn’t know about? Oh wait that was you. Bellamy doesn’t have a girlfriend and I have never slept with him.

CLARKE: … I just said all that out loud and my life choices made me sad.

FINN: But aside from that what has Bellamy ever done for you.

CLARKE: Saved my life, saved your life, made me his queen…

FINN: But what has he ever done for you LATELY. Like within the last five minutes.

EP 9

SPACE PRESIDENT: Now we have murdalised 300 people and plan to murdalise 1000 more, time for a pageant!

AN UNDERSTANDABLE ATTEMPT MADE ON HIS LIFE: *bomb explodes*

VIZIER’S MOM, THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF PLANT POT: alas I die. sing to me a holy hymn of plant pot.

SPACE PREZ: Who did this terrible thing?

VERONICA VAN EVIL: Who can say?

VERONICA VAN EVIL: The space president is gonna leave 1000 of you worker class types to die in space.

SPACE PREZ: Veronica Van Evil, I told you that in confidence!

VERONICA VAN EVIL: I stage a coup, steal one of our few spaceships and jet down to earth with a bunch of space weirdos!

SPACE PREZ: Curse your sudden and totally predictable betrayal, Veronica Van Evil.

LINCOLN AND OCTAVIA: Lincoln and Octavia’s Cave of Boning Down, Please Keep Out!

FINN: Hi guys.

FINN: I wanna be friends.

FINN: Do you wanna play checkers?

CLARKE: Aw it is a party! I wish I was not so sad and lonely.

BELLAMY: Get drunk and party, murder princess!

CLARKE: I see… so I’m going to have a drink, and then…

BELLAMY: Then have another.

CLARKE: And then…?

BELLAMY: ???

CLARKE: Am I going to have a little dance?

BELLAMY: Sure!

CLARKE: Make a little love?

BELLAMY: Yeah!

CLARKE: Not to put too fine a point on it, get down tonight?

BELLAMY: Do whatever you want, sweet murder princess!

BELLAMY: I personally will be guarding the perimeter with a large machine gun, so don’t worry about a thing. Gosh I hope I get to do a murder soon.

CLARKE: Imma try to have fun!

FINN: I swoop in to prevent that business!

CLARKE: I don’t know why I love you but… I guess I do… maybe, assface.

FINN: No, listen. Someone finally noticed I had nothing to do on this show, so now I indicate great respect for human life though previously I caused people’s deaths and voted for letting others die! We must make peace with the mutants. Please come to a peace talks with the mutants. Bring no weapons. I am sure they are trustworthy.

CLARKE: So you’re not so much doing a thing, as asking me to do a thing?

FINN: Baby steps.

CLARKE: I am swayed by your words, or maybe your new haircut.

FINN: Whatever you do, do not tell Bellamy.

CLARKE: Oh, sure thing.

CLARKE: BELLAMY! Finn asked me to go meet with the mutants and not bring weapons.

BELLAMY: I’m not sure who the insolent peasant you refer to is, but let us instantly murder him for having stupid ideas.

CLARKE: What if you were to follow us secretly and bring many guns to guard me and we didn’t tell Finn about this?

BELLAMY: … I like to have a secret about weapons with you.

CLARKE: Uh you said the mutants wouldn’t bring weapons but they are covered in weapons???

LINCOLN: That’s true. Oh well it will be gr8, Clarke.

FINN: Definitely approach them by yourself and unarmed, Clarke. Have a chat. This will go awesome. I feel it.

JASPER: I am drunk and I have a machine gun! This will end well.

RAVEN: I think my boyfriend is up on the bridge with a ho, and I have a machine gun! This will end well.

BELLAMY: Guys I have waited my whole life to have a murder princess ask me to come armed to a secret location, DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME.

JASPER: The other side also brought snipers in the trees and I think one of them is going to shoot Octavia! *fires*

SNIPERS: *also fire*

MUTANT PRINCESS: *tries to gut Clarke with the large knife up her sleeve*

BELLAMY: Hey lady I don’t have a spare murder princess! *fires*

CHAOS: reigns

OCTAVIA: I know I have indirectly caused the deaths of many people who were only trying to protect me, but I am VERY MAD AT YOU GUYS!

FINN: Clarke, I know I put you in a situation where you were unarmed, surrounded by people with bows and arrows, and then almost gutted with a large knife, and I have to say… you really hurt my feelings back there.

FINN: Why did you not TRUST me?

CLARKE: Huh… I wonder… it’s as if we had the sex and you had a girlfriend you didn’t tell me about!

BELLAMY: Look, murder princess, a spaceship! I hope it will please you.

CLARKE: I wonder how the space weirdos will change the dynamic of our television sh…

SPACE WEIRDOS: *explode in fiery inferno*

CLARKE: This narrative structure is very surprising.

EP 10

CLARKE: Wow the space weirdos blew up. There are limbs everywhere.

BELLAMY: People, you must not touch explodey stuff.

RAVEN: I could turn this explodey stuff into weapons for us.

FINN: I am in this scene!

OCTAVIA: I wanna prance outside into the murderer-filled radioactive rainforest to be with my boyfriend!

OCTAVIA: Crapweasels, I have discovered Murphy, the exile from our camp!

MURPHY: I am infected with the plague.

CLARKE: … Jesus I am bleeding out the eyes!

BELLAMY: Murder princess, did he DARE LAY HANDS upon you?

CLARKE: No, it is plague. I set up a quarantine! I tend the infected!

CLARKE: You stay here with me young Octavia no more sneaking out of camp!

BELLAMY: OK thanks murder princess. Bye.

CLARKE: Just kidding Octavia. Instantly sneak out of camp and get info by throwing your cat at your mutant boyfriend.

OCTAVIA: GIRL. ON IT.

LINCOLN: Let’s run away together, my honeybunch of 1 day.

OCTAVIA: That seems like an amazing plan.

LINCOLN: There is no antidote to the plague but I think you’re holding it off by being super hot.

OCTAVIA: Kiss me, you mad fool.

MONTY: I think Octavia likes that mutant dude.

JASPER: I hate you! I’m cool now. I shoot things. MOVE OUTTA MY TENT.

MONTY: That escalated quickly. I can’t move out of the tent right now, dude. I’m not wearing pants.

JASPER: Then I will exit my own tent in a huff!

BELLAMY: What’s up, murder princess?

CLARKE: We’re all bleeding from the eyes and mouth in here. But stiff (bloody) upper lip.

BELLAMY: Proud of you murder princess! How’s my baby sister?

CLARKE: I sent her out into the mutant-infested radioactive jungle!

BELLAMY: … if it wasn’t you, murder princess, I would shoot you in the face.

EXTRAS: We also have plague!

MOB: We riot over plague!

CLARKE: I fire a gun into the air and demand order!

RANDO THUG: I WILL SHOOT CLARKE IN THE FACE!

BELLAMY: You dare threaten the murder princess! I will punch you in the face with your own gun! That’ll learn you.

BELLAMY: Still mad though!

CLARKE: I faint!

FINN: I catch you!

BELLAMY: I didn’t know you were in this scene, Quinn.

OCTAVIA: I have some news! The bad news is: there is no antidote to the plague. You live or you die, within the day!

EXTRAS: What’s the good news?

OCTAVIA: I didn’t say anything about good news. The other bad news is the mutants are attacking.

CLARKE: You want to talk more about peace?

FINN: I don’t do stuff and that includes consistent characterisation. How about we build a bomb!

BELLAMY: How?

FINN: … magic? I don’t… I didn’t intend to suggest *I* would be *doing* anything!

RAVEN: I will build you a bomb, Finn.

FINN: I am so ungrateful for my girlfriend, super hot 16 year old lady Iron Man.

BELLAMY: Who sets the bomb, a dangerous task? I will shoot it.

BOMBS: Is that how we work?

EVERYONE: Shut up bombs.

FINN: … well…

FINN: … hmmm…

FINN: … Whoa do they really expect me to do something? I’ve made my position on this so clear!

RAVEN: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

FINN: OK OKI guess I will do it.

EVERYONE: falls over with plague.

BELLAMY: It is all on u Jasper. U must shoot the bomb to make it explode.

JASPER: Well let’s talk about this…

BELLAMY: *bleeds out the eyes and mouth*

JASPER: Or not. No. No, that seems good.

OCTAVIA: Aw, Bellamy. You are bleeding out the eyes and mouth. I soften slightly.

BELLAMY: I love you so much. I am so terrified of dying. Stay with me.

OCTAVIA: OK.

OCTAVIA: Just kidding I’m going to see my boyfriend.

MUTANTS: We come over this bridge to kill plague-stricken children, beating our war drums!

MUTANTS: Why do we have war drums? Like what gave us that idea? Like why?

MUTANTS: Sure hope nobody blows up the bridge with a bomb!

BELLAMY: Let’s get everyone inside and hide from the mutants.

CLARKE: You don’t think Finn and Jasper can pull off our daring bomb scheme?

BELLAMY: hahaha. You are so funny murder princess.

CLARKE: hahaha. They’re useless. We are all gonna die.

JASPER: I definitely can’t shoot this bomb!

MONTY: I brought u a spare gun! U got this buddy!

JASPER: Oh buddy. I love u. U invented alcohol, and now provide emotional support. You’re the best friend any teenage boy could have.

RAVEN: I’m going to go do plot for my boyfriend because I know he hates to do stuff.

RAVEN: Set a bomb, shoot it, while bleeding from mouth and eyes and hallucinating… anything for Finn!

FINN: I, um, I’ll come, and, um…

RAVEN: You can help me get away from the awesome destruction I have created.

FINN: OK that doesn’t seem too taxing. Lean on me while we hobble back to camp.

RAVEN: Lean on you? Lean on you? Bellamy PRINCESS CARRIED you through the woods at night and he doesn’t even know your name!

FINN: Raven we have spoken about this and you have to understand my position if our relationship is to last! I WILL! NOT! DO STUFF!

CLARKE AND BELLAMY: Finn and Jasper succeeded? That doesn’t make any sense at all…

RAVEN AND MONTY: We saved the day!

CLARKE AND BELLAMY: Ahhhh, right, gotcha, it’s clear now, no further questions.

RAVEN: I have considered matters such as you actually occasionally doing stuff for Clarke, and your cheating on me, and my own awesomeness and deserving of better.

RAVEN: Welcome to Dumpsville, population you.

FINN: I do seem to kind of want to be with Clarke, who I have known 10 days. I am glad I did not have to break up with you or anything however. I hate… to do stuff.

LINCOLN: Now, to run away together on the basis of some boning and two conversations.

OCTAVIA: It seems too horrific an act to leave everyone I have ever known, especially when my loving brother is potentially dying. No. Alas. Take your artfully crafted leather sketchbook and go.

LINCOLN: I know right? Who even makes these?

BELLAMY: Are you doing okay, beloved murder princess?

CLARKE: I am. I think we should spare Murphy.

BELLAMY: I think we should kill him in the face!!!

CLARKE: How surprising. But consider this: You know how sometimes you think guys are horrible psychopath assholes and then you get to like them…?

BELLAMY: I don’t… Oh. Oh I see.

BELLAMY: Well. I guess Murphy can live.

MURPHY: Hahahahahaha! I secretly kill Connor.

CONNOR: I curse your sudden yet, um, predictably racist betrayal.

EP 11.

SPACESHIP: Oh no oh God more scenes in the spaceship.

SPACE VIZIER: I wake up from Veronica Van Evil’s attack and the whole ship has turned into the set of Alien…?

SPACE VIZIER: Like green lights and darkness and… it is wild?

SPACE BUDDY: Hello? My arm is trapped in a door?

SPACE VIZIER: I free you, new buddy.

SPACE BUDDY: I hear that the south wing of the spaceship is damaged and people are dead.

SPACE VIZIER: … How did you hear that in a deserted space corridor… with your arm trapped in a door?

SPACE BUDDY: I checked space twitter.

SPACE VIZIER: We’d better break into the control room that, you know, controls the whole spaceship, and save vital personnel?

SPACE PRESIDENT: Don’t save us! Go to the mess hall! Protect the rice pudding at all costs!

SPACE VIZIER: I think that’s the lack of oxygen talking, Mr President.

DOWN ON EARTH

MONTY: Hi Raven please don’t destroy the space radio that may connect me to my parents.

RAVEN: UR PARENTS ARE DEAD I BET AND FINN AND CLARKE ARE BONING IN THE WOODS I ALSO BET!

RAVEN: I’m so sad. I might go live in the woods.

BELLAMY: Girl don’t. I want you to stay and build bombs… and walkie talkies… and lasers… and death rays… and tanks… and robot sharks that live on land who will destroy our enemies… I mean, the point is, I believe in you. I think you too could be a murder princess!

FINN: Girl have I got some sexy news for you: I got dumped. So, baby, it’s you and me on this hunting trip…

CLARKE: …

EXTRA: Yep, it’s the three of us!

EXTRA: So fun that we get to hang out guys!

EXTRA: I haven’t really spent that much time onscreen with you am I right?

EXTRA: This is gonna be a blast!

EXTRA: Man I hope we don’t have to eat mutant panther again it is so gnarly am I right?

EXTRA: But I love yummy mutant boar it’s my fave!

EXTRA: *is shot full of arrows as Finn and Clarke are kidnapped by mutants*

EXTRA: I dreamed that screentime would be… so different from this hell I’m living…

RAVEN: I have decided to stay and live with you guys!

BELLAMY: Great news!

RAVEN: And to have crazy vengeance sex with you!

BELLAMY: Let me tell you, that is a terrible idea, and I know that because I am a terrible idea expert of some renown.

RAVEN: *takes off her top*

BELLAMY: You make a very compelling argument.

RAVEN: Do me on it.

BELLAMY: Okay but you’re going to feel really awful after the fleeting and cheap physical satisfaction!

BELLAMY: … I mean, not *that* fleeting…

MUTANTS: We have kidnapped you and we want you to heal this 11 year old girl, Tris.

CLARKE: Guys have you not heard things did not go well for her in the Divergent series.

MUTANTS: We’ll kill Finn if you don’t cure her.

FINN: Save me, Clarke!

CLARKE: Oh jeez. Why are you guys bringing 11 year old girls into battle anyway?

MUTANTS: Totally normal battle behaviour. Very normal. Very efficient.

RAVEN AND BELLAMY’S TENT OF BONING ALL NIGHT AND MOST OF THE NEXT DAY: *bones to a halt*

BELLAMY: Feel better?

RAVEN: Nope!

BELLAMY: Told ya!

CLARKE: I’ve put filthy tubing into this girl’s chest! Now I’m going to inject blood into her via a large syringe!

MUTANTS: Your medicine seems deeply BS.

TRIS: Agreed! *dies*

MUTANTS: Guess it’s curtains for Finn!

RAVEN: Sorry about my insensitivity over your dead parents in space earlier.

MONTY: You know, I think getting down with Bellamy made you feel a little better.

RAVEN: I do feel bet…

MONTY: By the way we think Finn, Clarke and Extra are lost in the woods, maybe dead!

RAVEN: GEE THANKS, MONTY.

MUTANT: Clarke, mutants got priorities. We keep you, we kill Finn. We’re reasonable people.

MUTANT: We mutants need a healer. I have a bum leg I’d like you to tend to.

CLARKE: *kicks him in the bum leg*

CLARKE: *cuts his throat*

CLARKE: *runs into the woods leaving Finn for dead*

AUDIENCE: MURDER PRINCESS!!!!!!!

CLARKE: *gets caught in a trap but points for the good college murder try*

RAVEN: I feel super bad for wishing Finn gone.

OCTAVIA: You cannot make Finn disappear by wishing. Ask the audience.

EXTRA: Guys can you believe it? I am ALIVE! Rescue me!

BELLAMY: We have to get this extra to safety, I am the leader and I am responsible.

OCTAVIA AND RAVEN: But the characters in the credits!!!!

BELLAMY: I am sorry about your boyfriend Linn, Raven.

RAVEN, OCTAVIA & EXTRA: Bellamy!!!!!

BELLAMY: Oh my God. Sorry, your ex Linn. I’m so sorry. That was so insensitive of me.

EP 12

SPACE PREZ: OK, we are all doomed and soon our giant spaceship will shut down, so everyone… get drunk, because I’m giving up.

SPACE PREZ: Wait, you know how this whole show proved our kids were more intelligent than us? A video of my kid and baby Clarke just gave me the idea to just try to send our giant spaceship down to earth! Sure, 95% of us will explode, but hey, better than dying in space when the oxygen runs out!

ALL: Your speeches are so inspirational, sir.

TECH: Uh-oh, looks like someone has to stay behind and manually launch the spaceship.

SPACE VIZIER: I volunteer as tribute! I clasp hands with people as I dramatically walk out of the…

SPACE PREZ: You snooze, you lose! I volunteered myself as tribute without all the hand-clasping!

SPACE PREZ: But there’s still time for one more speech…

ALL: I wonder if the spaceship bit that survives will contain the characters featured in the credits!

BELLAMY: OKAY WE ARE UNDER ATTACK AND WE HAVE TO KILL ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME LITERALLY EVERYBODY JUST KILL ‘EM ALL LET GOD SORT IT OUT KILL THEM ALL OR I’LL KILL YOU!

ALL: He has really not been well in the brainpan since Clarke was kidnapped. The strain is getting to that guy.

ALL: Though admittedly his life philosophy has not changed.

JASPER: But I miss Monty, who has also gone missing, and Clarke and Finn.

BELLAMY: You don’t think I miss my murder princess? and sweet Monty? And… your friend, who I’m sure is nice? But we must concentrate on the plot, Jasper! Eye on the prize.

JASPER: Hate plot and hate u.

CLARKE: Oh no gonna be killed by mutants.

LINCOLN: I save you.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

LINCOLN: I save Finn.

AUDIENCE: That wasn’t necessary.

CLARKE: You are very, very forgiving for a dude we electrocuted in the nips.

MURPHY: I kill another dude. I am, let us face it, a serial killer.

JASPER: I didn’t see you murdering anyone at alllllll. Nope. Nuh-uh. Who’s the only witness of a brutal murder? Not me, that’s who.

MURPHY: I kidnap you and take you hostage!

BELLAMY: I regret sparing you greatly. Please take me instead of Jasper.

MURPHY: Sold! Now I’m going to get you to hang yourself.

BELLAMY: I regret every bad idea I’ve ever had. So, basically my whole life.

RAVEN: I jimmy the spaceship open so Bellamy is saved!

MURPHY: I shoot Raven and run away!

AUDIENCE: Not Raven! You monster!

LINCOLN: Now we go away, to the dangerous mysterious mines that are the only way back.

CLARKE: The mines of Moria…?

LINCOLN: The reapers live there, cannibals who rip and tear in a frenzy of bloodlust…

CLARKE: The reavers, like on Firefl…

LINCOLN: REAPERS. TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

CLARKE: Um… okay.

LINCOLN: TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

REAPER: I kill you, Clarke!

FINN: No don’t! I bash you with a rock! I… I… I’ve killed someone! Oh my God, I killed someone! It’s the penultimate episode and that means there is a shocking twist and here it is! I DID A THING!

FINN: … I think I’m in shock.

CLARKE: Finn, baby, murder is NBD. Literally I killed someone last night and didn’t mention it because it seemed dull. Bellamy and I have actually co-murdered more than once. We have taken murder from a solo to a double act. What I’m trying to say is: I love murder.

FINN: I love u. I committed an act of plot and I demand, I DEMAND, to have a soulful conversation about our relaysh!

CLARKE: This declaration of devotion is really taking up a lot of plot time…

JASPER: Bellamy you almost died for me!

BELLAMY: Well I’m SORRY, Jasper, but I couldn’t think of a way to do bett–

JASPER: Let me hold you.

BELLAMY: Oh my dear dear God. Your feelings are—they’re right in my face. They’re all over me. Feelings. Affection? I can’t…

JASPER: I cling to your manly shoulders. I am so proud of your character development over this season. You are a hero. I love you, and your hair looks FANTASTIC.

BELLAMY: You and me, Jasper, we’ll go find my murder princess. And Monty. And… uh… you know… it’s on the tip of my tongue…

CLARKE: I’m back! The mutants are coming! We all have to run!

BELLAMY: I’m so glad you’re back! Let’s stay and murder everybody!

CLARKE: Bellamy is right.. that it is dangerous to go. But also, let’s leave immediately.

BELLAMY: My joy at your return was so swiftly curtailed.

EP 13

BELLAMY: I’m not going and you CAN’T MAKE ME.

FINN: Welp, see ya, Bellamy!

CLARKE: You must come with us Bellamy! We need your dazzling charisma!

BELLAMY: Um, well… thank you.

CLARKE: Your leadership has been superb!

BELLAMY: Well… thank you.

CLARKE: So come with us.

BELLAMY: I think your idea is dumb but you speak to me so nicely and your hair is so shiny.

BELLAMY: Goodbye, fair hovel we buried people in! Goodbye, burned-down panther meat smokehouse! Alas, you were my only accomplishment.

THE 100: journey forth into the woods

THE 100: get shot at

THE 100: immediately go back to camp

AUDIENCE: after all that…? after all that build-up they immediately… No. Fine. Of course. OF COURSE YOU DID, THE 100, YOU RASCAL.

BELLAMY: Looking to you, murder princess.

CLARKE: OK plan ‘murder them all’ is a go.

BELLAMY: Down the basement, lock the cellar door and oh, baby. Talk murder to me.

BELLAMY: We need to make a battle plan. I have maps and schemes and…

FINN: Yeah, like your BOMB on the BRIDGE plan, Bellamy, you dummy!

BELLAMY: That was your plan…?

BELLAMY: My plan was a bomb on our enemies? Which would have solved this problem of… our enemies attacking?

BELLAMY: Sometimes I can’t even deal with you, Fiona.

BELLAMY: What if we shut everybody up in our disused spaceship to protect them?

CLARKE: What if we set all our enemies on fire?

RAVEN: Even though I am shot, I could rig the spaceship so it blasted off at our enemies.

FINN: I peacefully stare into the distance. La la la… la la la la…

RAVEN: Love triangles are very bad for the self-esteem, and bullets are very bad for the spine.

CLARKE: Well, I think you’re the coolest, Raven, and if I was into ladies…

RAVEN: I pass out due to bullet in spine.

FINN: OK, I’m going to do another thing and get Lincoln and his anti-coagulant! KEEP LOVE (TRIANGLES) ALIVE!

JASPER: I guess I will try to rig the spaceship with my vaguely nerdy knowhow…

MEANWHILE: War!

BELLAMY: Uh-oh about to be murdered by a mutant.

OCTAVIA: I save you!

OCTAVIA: I get stabbed in the leg!

BELLAMY: I princess carry you away!

OCTAVIA: You cannot princess carry me through our enemies to our spaceship.

BELLAMY: Imma try! Because I love you, sis.

LINCOLN: Hello. Please hand over my girlfriend. I will heal her and make her my bride in a faraway land by the sea.

BELLAMY: I admit, dude… you have been super helpful, considering we electrocuted you in the nips.

LINCOLN: No hard feelings.

BELLAMY: Octavia, you finally have my blessing to bone somebody.

OCTAVIA: I love you, big brother. I embrace you. I stroke your hair tenderly.

BELLAMY: … I didn’t mean me…

BELLAMY: … but…

BELLAMY: … if you incest.

OCTAVIA & LINCOLN: Bye-bye.

BELLAMY: Sure. No. Fine. Back to my imminent death.

FINN: Let’s shut up the spaceship and blast away!

CLARKE: Uh, have you noticed that we are missing VITAL PERSONNEL?

FINN: It’s sad about the extras, but…

CLARKE: I refer, OF COURSE, to BELLAMY! And I find it absurd that you would mistake my meaning!

CLARKE: BELLAMY! BELLAMY! THEY’RE KILLING HIM! BELLAMY!

FINN: I’m drunk with the power of doing stuff! I’m going to save Bellamy!

BELLAMY: Wow Ginn. I didn’t think we were close.

FINN: I immediately regret this decision!

CLARKE: Well, I am so sorry to lose Bellamy and Finn, but we have to close the spaceship and blast off and condemn them to a fiery death. Plots before hots, people.

CLARKE’S MOM: OMG earth is amazing.

SPACE VIZIER: You should be here sir.

CLARKE’S MOM: So cool.

SPACE VIZIER: There are trees, unexpected

CLARKE’S MOM: Fluffy clouds!

SPACE PREZ: You guys sound like stoners. Stoners who are rubbing it in.

SPACE PREZ: Imma get DRUNK!

SPACE VIZIER: OMG smoke in the distance… the smoke of conflict and plot…

CLARKE’S MOM: Another bit of spaceship probably.

SPACE VIZIER: That seems likely.

CLARKE’S MOM: Definitely not our kids exploding everything. No way.

SINISTER MASKED MAN: *burst onto the scene and gas everyone*

CLARKE: Crap I don’t believe it, season 2 conflict is upon us already zzzzzzz

CLARKE: I’m clean! I’m in a fluorescent quarantine ward! There’s a Van Gogh on the wall! The sinister masked men have provided me with mascara! They seem kindly.

AUDIENCE: Thank God! If they have Van Goghs and mascara they have medicine for Raven!

MONTY: Hi Clarke!

CLARKE: I’m glad you’re here with me, Monty. Here at the end of all season 1 things.

So season 1 closes: Our beloved heroine is in a mountain facility surrounded by Van Goghs and mascara. Her hero and my hero are in the mines of Moria surrounded by cannibals. And there are a bunch of adults sitting in the grass going ‘SWEET HOLY TREES, BATMAN!’

THE 100 Parody, Part 1

SETTING:

A giant spaceship where everybody lives above the ruined earth. They live under an oppressive regime and worship plant pots. Things are dark. The plant pot gods are cruel gods.



CHARACTERS

OUR HEROINE: CLARKE, an improbably gifted medic at age 17, also censorious blonde who to her credit has excellent priorities like 'food to help us survive the apocalypse.'

OUR HERO: FINN, seems to have wandered in off another show to such an extent that when plot is happening we don't see him and most characters appear unaware of his existence as if he is the heroine's imaginary friend, and who when we do see him clearly wishes to BE on another show.

OUR HEROINE’S BEST FRIEND: WELLS, a kind soul devoted to our heroine though they are on the outs as his dad the Space President killed her dad. Do not get attached to Wells.

OUR ANTAGONIST: BELLAMY, a bad ideas factory prone to a) rashness b) violence c) acts of rash violence. Is not one of the 100, but a wicked stowaway who loves only one person…

HIS SISTER: OCTAVIA, raised under the floor in a spaceship. Wishes to explore life outside floor on earth.

SPACE PRESIDENT: President of the spaceship. Wells’ father.

SPACE VIZIER: President’s right-hand man. Cackles occasionally.

CLARKE’S MOM: Space doctor. Also, Clarke’s mom.

COMIC RELIEF 1: JASPER, who we can tell is a Nerd because he wears Goggles for No Reason.

COMIC RELIEF 2: MONTY, who knows science. (What science? Plants. Radios. SCIENCE.)

OUR HERO’S GIRLFRIEND: RAVEN, a tech genius and raving beauty.

BELLAMY’S THUGS: MURPHY, MILLER, ATOM. Yeah you heard me, ATOM.

LINCOLN: a mutant. Sort of. Not really.

MUTANT PRINCESS: Again not really.


Note: Given the premise of being the survivors of the whole world, there is way more diversity than on most shows, which is awesome, and it is great to see a ton of people of colour (Bellamy, Space President, Wells, Miller, Monty, Raven, Lincoln, Mutant Princess) doing so much cool and different stuff, and being all very cool and different from each other. But I also would be lying to you if I said there were not occasional moments when I went ‘this pinged me wrong.’ So sometimes I do that, with disclaimer—I am a white chick from Ireland and no expert and may be quite wrong.

Overall, obviously because I wrote a whole parody, I really like the show and love the characters. It’ll become clear which ones I like best. But of course, this may all change in the upcoming season two. I’ve been wrong before! I was wrong about the hero of Teen Wolf. I will be wrong again.

Also, this series is based on books I have not read, but intend to! So I displays no knowledge of said books.

Basically I am wrong all the time, enjoy the parody. ;)

EP 1

HEROINE: Everybody in the world lives in a huge spaceship, the only survivors of a decimated earth 100 years after the apocalypse. All infractions are punishable by death. Stealing gum? DEATH!
HEROINE: So I am quite lucky to be in prison for political activism. They kill me when I turn 18.

SPACE PRESIDENT: We have run out of space on the spaceship and very soon all resources will be gone and we will all be dead. There are not enough spaceships to get us all down to earth, which may still be toxipocalyptic, and in a week we will kill 300 people so they quit eating and breathing air.
HEROINE: So the convicts are definitely for the high jump. In space.
SPACE PRESIDENT: You would think! And yet we have decided to use one of our few precious spaceships to send 100 delinquent kids down to earth to check on its viability. Even though going to earth is literally our only possible option. And none of you have any expertise in anything, except for our heroine who is a 17 year old skilled surgeon and artist. We will outfit you with magic space bracelets to see if you are alive. I'm sure you delinquent kids won't immediately take them off.
HEROINE: To earth!

SPACE VIZIER: You think I'm the bad guy just because I'd kill everyone on the spaceship except you and I, Pearl from the Vampire Diaries!
PEARL FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: Yes… that is the definition of a bad guy, honey.
PEARL FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: *disappears after the pilot, leaving the Bad Guy to be in a love triangle with the Heroine's Mother, who he tries to shoot off into space in the pilot*
SPACE VIZIER: *had enough moral issues before we thought him a fickle lover!*

HEROINE: Here I am on a tiny craft to earth, afraid for my life. If only I had a frie-
WELLS: Tis I, your best friend! I committed a crime purely to come to earth and be with you.
HEROINE: I take it back. Hate u. Hate the Space President.
WELLS: But I-
HEROINE: I’d say talk to the hand but the hand’s not talking to you!

HERO: I undo my spaceship seatbelt because I don't lIVE BY THE MAN'S RulES!
TWO OTHER KIDS: *copy him*
HEROINE: Uh, guys? Bad idea.
TWO OTHER KIDS: *die in crash landing*
HEROINE: I hate to say I told you so.
HEROINE: Just kidding, I actually really love to say I told you so.
HERO: I may have caused the death of two innocent people but we’re not really focusing on the truly important question here—when am I going to get LAID? All applications welcome.

HEROINE: We have crash-landed on earth and need to find food.
OTHER CHARACTERS: Nope, we need to party down and commit acts of sex and violence. We have gone full LORD OF THE FLIES in under two minutes.

HEROINE: Is there a guard for us space delinquents who will talk sense into my companions, none of whom seem to wish for food or shelter?
WICKED STOWAWAY: There was supposed to be, but I shot the Space President so I could come to earth with my sister instead.
HEROINE: !!!
WICKED STOWAWAY: Also I have decided to lead this merry band of orgy fiends and torturers. OFF WITH THE SPACE BRACELETS!
HEROINE: Wah, I am doomed... And somebody should have predicted this.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Wah, I am shot... And I should have predicted this.

CLARKE (our heroine): We need to find food.
BELLAMY (wicked stowaway): I love two things. My sister and violence. Food's not on the list. By the way I dislike fancy people who are friends with the Space President’s son.
CLARKE: Okay everybody please be calm, think about survival, and trust me to lead you to safet-
BELLAMY: Listen up guys! HAVE YOU NOTICED WE’RE ALL SUPER HOT AND HAVE NO ADULT SUPERVISION?

BELLAMY: Off with the space bracelets and my shirt!
SPACE DELINQUENTS: Hail, foxy leader!
BELLAMY: Everybody conga!
CLARKE: I forbid the conga!
BELLAMY: Sing with me now. We’re all space delinquents/I’m a trigger-happy loon/We’re gonna make Lord of the Flies/look like a kids’ cartoon…

CLARKE: … I’m going to go find food.
OCTAVIA (wicked stowaway’s sister): I’ll come with you, I love adventure!
FINN (our hero): I’ll come with both of you, because I love hotties.
SPACE NERDS: As space nerds, we are very interested in hotties also.

HEROINE: I worry that all the animals on earth are dead.
HERO: Don't fuss your silly pretty little head! See, there's a deer.
DEER: I am a monster mutant deer with two faces and red jellylike substance in between my TWO FACES! tWO FACES. MUtant DeER.
HEROINE: I am still very concerned.

CHARACTERS: We are worried this forest is radioactive!
MUSIC: The song 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons begins to play. Unironically.

OCTAVIA: I wanna go for a swim in the potentially radioactive lake!
GIANT MUTANT EEL: I wanna eat a random floozy.
OCTAVIA: And that's how I got the mild graze on my leg.
GIANT MUTANT EEL: I nibbled on her like a cracker.

OCTAVIA: You saved me, Nerdy Dude 1!
NERDY DUDE 1: Jasper. But I can change it.
FINN: So it seems it’s you and me, Clarke baby.
CLARKE: Go jump in the lake.
FINN: But there’s a giant mutant eel in the—
CLARKE: I KNOW.

BELLAMY’S THUGS: *beat up Wells and take his space bracelet*
WELLS: I wish I was having fun with the giant eel like the cool kids.

SUDDEN ATTACK BY MUTANTS: happens to the cool kids.
CLARKE: My quest for food has suddenly gone hideously awry!
FINN: My quest for nookie has suddenly gone hideously awry!
NERDY DUDE 1: I should not have gone on a quest with a protagonist!
NERDY DUDE 1: Do not fret. I will survive a sharpened battering ram to the chest.
NERDY DUDE: … I was surprised too.

EP 2

CLARKE: We have returned from our quest for supplies! What has happened in our camp? Have you guys been planning our survival on a hostile planet?
WELLS: Digging graves.
BELLAMY: Banging chicks.
EXTRAS: We invented bongo drums!

ALL: Did u guys bring back takeout?
CLARKE: No. More bad news. Mutant humans hunt us and have already wounded and kidnapped our comrade! WE MUST RESCUE HIM.
BELLAMY: We must build some goddamn walls to protect us from the mutant threat.
FINN: How about. How about, we don't rescue him, but instead... we sit here.
CLARKE: RESCUE!
BELLAMY: WALLS!
CLARKE: I’m going to go do a rescue! And you’re coming with me, loudmouth with the gun!
BELLAMY: Fine, I and my thugs will go with you in order to take off your space bracelet!
FINN: And... hear me out, Clarke... we sit around, doing nothing, in a vaguely rebellious way, leaving our injured comrade to die... and you make out with me.

MONTY: I, Jasper's BFF, would like to accompany you on our rescue mission.
CLARKE: No you must stay behind because you can save us all with your SCIENCE KNOWINGS.
WELLS: I loyally accompany u Clarke because of my good heart and my secret love 4 u.
CLARKE: I resent this because you doomed my father to die!
WELLS: We sure do have a fraught relationship and an interesting back story and a set-up love triangle, which is super weird considering I die next episode.
CLARKE: That is weird.
FINN: I catch up because I realised I could not make out with u if u were not there.

BELLAMY: Take off your space bracelet.
CLARKE: I won't!!!!!!
BELLAMY: Take it off!!!!!!!
CLARKE: I won't!!!!!!!
WELLS: She said she wouldn't!
BELLAMY'S THUGS: He said she should!
CLARKE: I have fallen into a pit of spikes!
BELLAMY'S THUGS: The problem is solved!
BELLAMY: I have caught you!
BELLAMY'S THUGS: Ah jeez boss what are we even doing.
BELLAMY: TAKE OFF THE SPACE BRACELET!!!!
CLARKE: I WON’T!!!!!!!!!

CLARKE: I fall into a pit of spikes.
BELLAMY: I catch you but in a tense moment obviously consider dropping you!
CLARKE: I wish my love interest Finn had caught me. He would not have considered dropping me. But then, he does not like to do... a thing.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?

FINN: Embrace ur wild’n’krazy side, Clarke. Sport in this waterfall with me.
CLARKE: But our comrade is dying in torment as we speak.
FINN: SPORT, I SAY!
CLARKE: You are a YA contemporary hero in a dystopian world, Finn.
FINN: My chin-length hair is gone all crimpy in the radioactive rainforest.
CLARKE: Jesus the rocks by our romantic waterfall are literally painted in our comrade's blood!!!!!
FINN: You gotta be less of a buzzkill, beautiful.

NEXT SCENE
FINN: I am a master tracker.
WELLS: Yes. He learned this skill in space with no environment.
CLARKE: Yes. He did not fail to notice rocks dipped in blood in the very last scene we beheld.
ALL: Yes.

CLARKE: We have rescued Jasper, who was strung up for the panthers to eat!
BELLAMY & WELLS: We have killed two mutant panthers with a handgun.
ALL: Seems legit.
WELLS: My amazing skills with a gun would be sure to be a vital part of the plot, were I to live.

BELLAMY: I see you love Clarke. I ship it.
WELLS: …
BELLAMY: What, just because I’m the sociopathic leader of a ragtag band of criminals, I can’t have feelings?
WELLS: I fear she loves Finn.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?

BELLAMY: Rando Thug, while we quest I'm gonna leave my sister in your care. Don't let her get all up in anybody’s business.
RANDO THUG: Is it a good idea to police your sister’s choices like—
BELLAMY: Look they don’t call me Bellamy ‘Bad Idea’ Blake for nothing. I shot the president and elected myself your king. What bit of that sounded like a good idea?
RANDO THUG: Good point, your terrible notions majesty.
BELLAMY: Remember, don’t let her get all up in anybody’s business.
OCTAVIA: I’m going to get all up in Rando Thug’s business!
RANDO THUG: This is gr8!

ROMANTIC SCENE IN WHICH RANDO THUG AND OCTAVIA ARE COVERED IN BIOLUMINESCENT BUTTERFLIES!
OCTAVIA: Can u feel the love tonight.
RANDO THUG: I thought I was feeling butterflies.
RANDO THUG: I mean literal butterflies.

BELLAMY: I've returned home. We killed a panther and rescued one of my subjects! What a great d--
RANDO THUG: I'm kissing your sister.
BELLAMY: … I string you up in a tree overnight.
RANDO THUG: ... I don't know what I expected. :(

BELLAMY: Do you want to keep your space bracelets, kids? Or do you want a delicious panther sammich?
ALL: Sammiches!
FINN: Imma just take some panther.
ANOTHER KID: Cool, I'll do that too.
BELLAMY: *punches him in the face*
OTHER KID: But Finn took the panther sammich!
BELLAMY: Seriously… who is Finn?

EP 3

(Begins with a revelation!)

SARAH: I had a revelation about Rando Thug, the one who got strung up for macking on Bellamy’s sister. I heard Rando Thug's name as Adam. But it is not Adam. It is Atom.
SARAH: In space, people are called Atom.
SARAH: I hope there is another character called Particle. I'm waiting.

ON THE SPACESHIP, IN THE PAST: flashback
FAMILIES: our fave occupation is watching centuries-old football games.
CLARKE'S FATHER: I have discovered our spaceship is broken and in 4 months we will have no oxygen. I must alert the whole ship by making a vlog!

CLARKE: Wells, my trusty BFF, tell no-one my dad is making a space vlog, Wells, especially your dad the space president, a stand-up guy who murders everyone for the least infraction.
THE LAW: arrests Clarke's dad and shoots him off into space.

SPACE PRESIDENT: My habit of shooting people off into space for chewing gum and making vlogs will never backfire on me.

IN PRESENT DAY, ON EARTH WITH OUR BAND OF DELINQUENTS.

AN ACID FOG ROLLS DOWN ON THE RADIOACTIVE FOREST: killing a couple of extras.
AUDIENCE: Did you say an ACID FOG?
THE 100: Yes.

GOGGLES NERD, PREVIOUSLY SPEARED THROUGH CHEST: Oooogh. I am in intense pain. Ow. It stings.
MOB: Ugh his moans of pain interrupt our orgies. Someone kill that guy he is a downer.

CLARKE: I am intent on helping Goggles Nerd, or 'Jasper' though the mob I live with plot to kill him. I go in search of radioactive seaweed I believe will help.
WELLS: Let me help you, Clarke. I luv u.
CLARKE: No, I hate you because I think you told on my dad and got him murdered by your dad.
WELLS: *stoic pain*
FINN: I am present in this scene!

FINN: That radioactive seaweed is out of reach, bobbing in the water. I guess we could fish for it, or... give up and go home…
CLARKE: I wade into the water to get the seaweed. I will move this plot all by myself, God help me.

OCTAVIA: Do me, Atom.
ATOM: No thank you, your brother strung me up in a tree for kissing you.
OCTAVIA: BELLAMY, LADIES GOT NEEDS!

CLARKE, WELLS & FINN: We find a car, totally intact except sunk deep in the ground of a forest floor.
CAR: Sure. Seems legit.
ACID FOG: Hello!
CLARKE, WELLS & FINN: Let's hide from the acid fog. Cars can protect you from acid fog.
CAR: Sure. Seems legit.
FINN: OMG guys I found booze in the car!
CLARKE: I wanna have an intense conversation about why you caused my father's death!!!!!
WELLS: I wanna have a veiled intense conversation about my love for you!!!!!!!!!!
FINN: Guys I was hoping for a drinking game.
FINN: Guys maybe you are both right?
FINN: Guys let's do shots.
FINN: Guys I won't give up acting like I am on Dawson's Creek and I hope my hairstyle reflects that.

CLARKE: Wait. Did you hide from me all this time that my MOM actually dobbed in my dad to the space president and made sure he got murdered?
WELLS: I let you think it was me because I didn't want to hurt your feelings because your dad was dead and your mom was all you had.
CLARKE: Oh Wells. u r so important to me. I was so wrong to judge you.
WELLS: luv u clarke.
CLARKE: luv u wells.
WELLS AND CLARKE: We are the emotional heart of the show.

CHILD: I toddle, clearly eleven years old and incompetent at acting, about the radioactive rainforest.
BELLAMY: I register your presence with alarm.
ACID FOG DESCENDS: Bellamy rescues child, brings child to cave.
ACID FOG: can't get in cars or caves.
BELLAMY: My immediate affection and interest in a hostile eleven year old girl is possibly meant to illuminate my feelings of protectiveness toward my sister, who I see as younger than she is, and make my constant attempts to stop her getting some slightly less weird?
BELLAMY: Doesn't work. Still weird.
BELLAMY: I emote at you with persistence nonetheless, child actress.
CHILD: The spaceship president killed my parents and I am deeply traumatised!
BELLAMY: Here's a knife, sweetheart. Hold onto it. It can be your security knifey.
BELLAMY: I am A-plus at childcare.

ATOM: Kill me, the acid fog got me and my skin is all peeled but also covered in pustules! Acid fog is very gross.
BELLAMY: Oh my God! Ew! Oh my God! Okay, my assorted thugs, small child, please leave. Okay I gotta kill this guy. Oh god this is very upsetting. I have second thoughts about my life as a murderous dictator. Oh wow I wish someone would come murder this guy for me.
CLARKE: Hi. I like... lost Finn and Wells. Finn maybe had an allergic reaction to plot and Wells is tending to him.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?
CLARKE: Ew, that dude at your feet is definitely dying of looking gnarly.
CLARKE: But don’t worry, my mom was a medical professional.
CLARKE: Let me sing to you, Atom. Pretend Katniss and Rue didn’t really know each other, and also Katniss murdered Rue, and voila you have us.
CLARKE: Shhhh, sleep well, don’t cry, Imma stab you in the jugular so you bleed out….
BELLAMY: oh. OH.
BELLAMY: ... are you a murder princess...?

FINN: I can’t believe we let her out of our sight for one minute and she did a mercy killing! I feel faint. Hold me, Wells.
WELLS: I am so happy Clarke and I are getting on. I look forward with joy to our future together.
BELLAMY (murmuring to himself): A murder princess…

CLARKE: I'd like some clean water and bandages while I apply radioactive seaweed to my patient.
MINIONS OF BELLAMY: Screw sick people and concepts like mercy, pity and civilisation tho...?
BELLAMY: YOU GET THE MURDER PRINCESS WHATEVER SHE WANTS!!!!!!

OCTAVIA: Oh God no, Atom is dead! I never got to do him. The tragedy is real.
OCTAVIA: WE HAD HALF A CONVERSATION ONE TIME!
OCTAVIA: I hate you Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Luv u.

CLARKE: I cured Jasper with radioactive seaweed!
JASPER: Yay, life!
OCTAVIA: Yay, one dude down, one dude spared!
FINN: Buddy, it's gr8 u are alive. I wanted to leave you to die. Nothing personal, I'm a plot-hating weasel. Do you want some booze?

11 YEAR OLD CHILD: Can I sit with you since I had a nightmare?
WELLS: Sure. I'll comfort you, as I am a good person whose best friend and secret love is reunited unto me, with many plot things to come for me as a vital point in the protagonist's love triangle, the Spaceship President's son, and the voice of reason and peace within this anarchic group.
11 YEAR OLD CHILD: And now I murder you with a penknife to the jugular, because: I am crazy.
WELLS: *gurgle* Ye hardly knew me TV audience, and yet I had so much more potential as a character and a love interest than Finn. *gurgle*

This was my face when you were killed too, Wells.

EP 4

MEANWHILE, IN SPACE.

SPACESHIP ADULTS: I think we must be forced to conclude that due to their space bracelets not broadcasting their vital signs most of the teen delinquents we have sent to earth are dead.
RAVEN, FINN'S BEAUTIFUL GENIUS GIRLFRIEND: What if they're just taking off their space bracelets?
SPACESHIP ADULTS: Despite having a science team working round the clock on this case, we never thought of that. Wow. This changes everything!
CLARKE’S MOM: u r my new protegee, Raven.

SPACESHIP ADULTS: Our oxygen is running out so we gotta kill 300 people.
SPACESHIP ADULTS: Shame we sent off our worthless criminal delinquents yesterday. Guess we could've got rid of them and risked sending some ‘responsible adults’ with ‘life skills’ down to earth since... we have to kill these valuable citizens now anyway.

CLARKE'S MOM: Raven, u r the best engineer on this spaceship even though you are 16. Please build a robot so you can fly through space and down to earth to check on these crazy kids and tell them of our imminent peril.
RAVEN: I will perform this amazing feat of engineering! Why? I am 100% heart and soul devoted and committed to my boyfriend Finn, whom I visited faithfully in jail, who I will risk my life to get to, and who is in no way on earth trying to bang not one but two chicks from the instant we meet him.
TV SHOW: OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

CLARKE: We never see my reaction to Wells's death, just a grave. Because the heck with scenes of emotional resonance and interest!
CLARKE: We all assume the mutants killed him.
BELLAMY: Everybody is now intent on building a fort to keep mutants out! Yay, walls. Lovely walls. Love you, walls.

FINN: I give you a pencil.
CLARKE: I remember when Wells gave me painting oils.
FINN: Outclassed by Wells even in death…

NEW MEMBER OF THE 100, CONNOR, WHO IS BLACK: *collapses from exertion of wall-building, asks for water*
ONE OF BELLAMY'S PSYCHOTIC THUGS, MURPHY (who if you couldn't tell by the Irish name is white): *pees on him*
AUDIENCE: Un. Comfortable.

OCTAVIA: I know you just got speared nigh to death, my other love interest got acid fogged in the face, and mutants surround us intent on our death, but DANCE WITH ME AROUND THE FOREST!
JASPER: … I've found a space knife and many of Wells's fingers.
OCTAVIA: Well, that’s not very romantic at all.
AUDIENCE: Wait, the eleven year old child hacked him into pieces post mortem????? And nobody noticed that detail???

CLARKE: I suspect Murphy of killing Wells. Let us inform the anarchic mob of this so we may have a calm discussion of our options.
BELLAMY: Don't do that. Do not do that. The mob will lynch him and quit building my walls.
CLARKE: *does that*
MOB: *lynches Murphy and quits building walls*
CLARKE: Bellamy do something!
BELLAMY: I could... help hang him?
CLARKE: BELLAMY DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
BELLAMY: I’M MAD AT YOU!

MURPHY: I am hanging from the neck until almost dead!
MOB: Woo hoo death!
CHILD: Tis I who was the killer! I am moved by my conscience though it did not trouble me when I killed a guy!
MURPHY: Woo hoo let's hang this child!
MOB: May... be?

FINN: *wanders out of the radioactive rainforest, where he appears to have been carefully coifing his hair*
FINN: *stares at the scene of blood, murder and lynching*
FINN: Whoa guys. Whoa.

BELLAMY: TAKE THE CHILD AND RUN, CLARKE!
FINN: Should I go too?
BELLAMY: Who are you?

CLARKE: I will protect you child.
CLARKE: YOU MURDERED MY FRIEND AND I AM VERY MAD, CHILD!!!!
CHILD: I'm confused by your conflicting messages.
FINN: Clarke Clarke... don't yell at people... I mean sure she murdered your best friend but... this is very heavy. Bad feelings. Can we use our indoor voices in the radioactive rainforest? Shhhhh. Wow, I hate doing stuff.

FINN: I have instantly fallen asleep and lost the child.
BELLAMY: I found and am attempting to rescue you, child!
MOB: Let us kill the child!
MOB: Or we will kill Clarke!
CLARKE: I don't want a child to die for me! Let us talk this out!
BELLAMY: I will fight this mob!
FINN: .......
FINN: .......
FINN: So unchill guys.
CHILD: I jump off a cliff.
FINN: So unchill.

BELLAMY: I'M GOING TO MURDER THAT IRISH DUDE FOR LEADING A LYNCH MOB AGAINST A CHILD!
CLARKE: WE CANNOT JUST ALL KEEP MURDERING EACH OTHER!
BELLAMY: OH GOD BUT I LITERALLY ONLY HAVE IDEAS ABOUT MURDER!
CLARKE: NO BELLAMY REMEMBER YOUR IDEA ABOUT WALLS!
BELLAMY: OH YES MY SWEET WALLS. miss u walls.
CLARKE: This prevailing state of anarchy is unworkable!
BELLAMY: I refuse to let you lead us because your belief in people will kill us all!
CLARKE: Belief in people is OK maybe sometimes!
BELLAMY: Nope people are 100% terrible sauce. I know because: I am terrible.
CLARKE: What if we both made the rules? Somebody has to make at least one rule!
FINN: ....
FINN: .... My hair whispers secrets to me.

SARAH: So there are not one, but two, long emotional scenes of baying, flame-torch-carrying mobs, endangered children, blood in the earth and fights to the death and Bellamy and Clarke S!C!R!E!A!M!I!N!G! at each other about truth and justice and anarchy and establishing leadership and rules over their merry band. During all of this Finn stares, horrified, into the distance.

Bellamy and Clarke scream at each other in front of a mob intent on lynching.
BELLAMY & CLARKE: ON EARTH YOU NEVER NEED TO USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE!
OCTAVIA: Bro? Bro!

Later in the day, Bellamy and Clarke scream at each other in front of a mob, intent on a different lynching.
FINN: *hair slowly deflating in distress*

BELLAMY & CLARKE: OK listen up guys, this enactment of 2 MURDER 2 FURIOUS must end.
BELLAMY & CLARKE: We are your king and queen now. We will make laws. Those who break our laws will be banished, to return at sinister inopportune moments in later episodes, no doubt!
BELLAMY & CLARKE: OK thnx for listening.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SPACESHIP.
THE SPACESHIP INHABITANTS: worship a plantpot.
RAVEN THE GENIUS MECHANIC: I consider prostitution in order to get a space robot part that I need to get to my boyfriend on earth from a shady black market dealer lady called Nigel.
(In space, ladies are called Nigel.)
RAVEN: No I could never do that to my beloved Finn.
AUDIENCE: … Maybe she means a different Finn…?

MONTY: *tries to use space bracelets to contact the spaceship*
MONTY: *shorts out all the space bracelets*
FINN: OMG we trusted you with science!

JASPER: I am sad the nerd science didn't work.
OCTAVIA: Here is some good news. My other love interest got acid fogged in the face so you are maybe gonna get lucky.
OCTAVIA: MAYBE. Another love interest may rise.

FINN: I'M VERY UPSET! It's been a very hard few days for me! Your best friend was murdered, you had to talk down a mob from killing a child who then suicided before your eyes, you became queen of a rambunctious group of criminals, you saved someone's life via seaweed surgery, you found out your mom killed your dad... but the space bracelets got shorted out, which affects all 100 of us equally, plus I have had a hard week doing my hair and drinking and watching other people do stuff, which you know upsets me! I'M DISTRAUGHT!!!!
CLARKE: I understand and am moved by your pain. Let me bang you in a bomb shelter.
FINN: ... Yes that should help.

RAVEN: I acquire a faulty space robot part and jet down to earth, at risk of my life, to reunite with my beloved boyfriend and to warn them of our spaceship home's imminent peril.

THE 100: WE END ON RAVEN RISKING HER LIFE IN ROBOT BLAZING THROUGH SPACE, cut with SCENES OF FINN AND CLARKE BANGING.

EP 5
PREVIOUSLY, IN SPACE: the spaceship is running out of oxygen. Clarke's dad made a space vlog to tell people about it, but Clarke's mom turned him in before he could air it. Clarke's mom, the space president and the space president's grand vizier shot Clarke's dad off into space for this crime.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Eff you Space John Green.

ON EARTH

CLARKE: We did the sex and it was amazing! luv u Finn!
FINN: ur cute enough I guess. This negging is going to be way worse in retrospect when you find out about my girlfriend, who we are now watching shoot through space and thinking she's a star--oh god, this is the SPACE EQUIVALENT of my wife coming home on her lunchbreak to find me shagging the help!
CLARKE: I bet nobody is having as sexy a time as me this night!

BELLAMY: I'm having a threesome.
BELLAMY: Oh no someone is landing down from space. Probably someone who will contact the spaceship and tell them earth is fine and to come on down and then we will all be killed by our evil government. Especially me because I shot the space president.
BELLAMY: ... Ladies, I gotta jet. Space radios to throw in the water.

CLARKE: Mob. Bellamy's threesome babes. Direct me to my co-leader.
MOB: We dunno what to do, Bellamy has run off and we are helpless without him. Please tell us what to do Princess Clarke.
CLARKE: Man, this would not have happened if I had not been wasting my time canoodling!
FINN: ... I have feelings. :(

CLARKE: Raven, you seem beautiful and intelligent, I welcome you to ear...
RAVEN: *makes out with Finn*
CLARKE: ... errrrrr my gawd what weaseltry is this.

FINN: Clarke, this is such a complicated situation.
CLARKE: u have a girlf it's not that complex.
FINN: I am so torn. She loves me. I care 4 her. But would like to still bang u.
CLARKE: Sorry about ur problems.
FINN: Can what we have started BE STOPPED, Clarke?
CLARKE: Yep.
FINN: I'm NOT SO SURE!
CLARKE: Leave me out of this hideous situation, jerkface.

RAVEN: We must alert the spaceship to the fact earth is livable or our evil government will kill 300 people to preserve oxygen!
BELLAMY: Then our evil government will come kill everyone here especially me!
RAVEN: Our evil space president didn't die when you shot him bozo! PS unhand me or I'll knife you!
FINN: Ack, they're talking about plot! *begins singing to drown it out*
BELLAMY: I already threw the space radio in a lake because I am a TERRIBLE MURDERER!
CLARKE: But you didn't know about the 300 people then. You are not a murderer, you just love your sister very much.
BELLAMY: … really?
CLARKE: We are going to find this radio and make this right! Okay Bellamy?
BELLAMY: Okay, princess, assemble the troops.
FINN: The wheels on the bus go round and round… round and round…

SPACE PRESIDENT: Best to just select a random area of the spaceship to cut air from, killing innocents, and keep the information about us losing air from everyone.
SPACE VIZIER: You are a very inspirational leader, sir.

CLARKE'S MOM: I release the vlog, informing everyone of the oxygen situation.
CLARKE'S MOM: I oddly do not seem crushed by guilt for murdering my beloved husband who attempted to do this obviously necessary thing earlier.
SPACE PRESIDENT & VIZIER: Oh no, the gross space working class will revolt!

SPACE WORKING CLASS: We volunteer to die, in order to buy our loved ones more time.
SUDDEN RANDOM GINGER MAN: I do it for my little girl, going blind of oxygen deprivation.
SPACE PRESIDENT, VIZIER & CLARKE'S MOM: Wow, we are assholes and murderers.

FINN: Do u wanna talk about our relationsh--
CLARKE: NO I WANNA FIND A SPACE RADIO!

SPACE PRESIDENT: I should die with my people.
VIZIER: Or what if... you just let the working class die? We need you. You are so good at putting people to death... but then looking sad about it. That's true morality.

RAVEN: Radio broken!
CLARKE: Let's send up space flares!

IN SPACE, THE WEASEL EVIL LEADERS: *have long, slow discussions about how sad they are*
ON EARTH, DELINQUENT CHILDREN: *send bright space flares to alert people to the fact they are alive, make plans to repair the radio they found*

CLARKE: I hope our space flares save lives.
BELLAMY: ... me too...
CLARKE: I'm very sad about Finn and Raven.
BELLAMY: I don't really understand. Who is Finn?

CLARKE: Do you ever stare up into the uncaring night sky, bereaved and betrayed by all those you love who are living, and long for loyalty and affection?
BELLAMY: What?
CLARKE: Never mind.
BELLAMY: I thought you were talking about my life. Must have misheard you.

300 PEOPLE: put to death.
WEASEL LEADERS: Gosh I guess we should've looked out our space windows and noticed the flares slightly earlier.

CLARKE: OMG space funeral in the sky. OMG, MOM!
BELLAMY: Oh my God I accidentally killed 300 people.
CLARKE: Jesus shit got real.
FINN: Want to be with Raven but also bang Clarke, so...
FINN: Wait what is everyone looking at. Is something going on?

Upcoming Appearances

LAS VEGAS BOOK FESTIVAL
SATURDAY OCTOBER 18TH

The Magic of the Paranormal 12:00PM in YA Tent 1.

Followed by a signing at 1PM at Signing Tent 1.

MONSTROUS AFFECTIONS TOUR

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 7 p.m.
Brookline Booksmith, 279 Harvard St, Brookline, MA 02446 – (617) 566-6660
Attendees: Kelly Link, Gavin J. Grant, M. T. Anderson, Sarah Rees Brennan, Joshua Lewis

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 7 p.m.
McNally Jackson Books, 52 Prince St, New York, NY 10012 – (212) 274-1160
Attendees: Kelly Link, Gavin J. Grant, Alice Sola Kim, Joshua Lewis, Greg Purcell, Sarah Rees Brennan

If any of you can come to any of them, I shall be transported with delight to see you! And if not don’t worry. ;)