Lance Carbuncle's Blog: Shut up and eat your pudding, page 2
July 9, 2009
Grundish and Askew signed book giveaway
Here’s how the shit works. I’m going to be giving away three signed copies of my next book, GRUNDISH AND ASKEW. The copies will be given to the three people who best help me to promote my first novel, SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED. How, you ask, can you help me to promote my book? I don’t know. Use your imagination. Take pictures of yourself naked and reading Smashed and post the pics online. Videotape yourself defending yourself against a physical attack with just my book and an oven mitt and post the video on Youtube. Come on, think up something by yourself. Post rave reviews of Smashed anywhere and everywhere. If you have already been charged with a heinous crime, contact the media and claim that Smashed warped your little mind and made you perpetrate your disgusting acts. (However, you don’t get a book if you go out and commit some perverse act just to get the book. So don’t even think about it, you sick little monkey).
So get out there and sing the praises of Smashed. The world needs more Carbuncle and you, yes you, can help. This contest ends on July 24, 2009. So put on some pants, drink a little bit of liquid courage, and get out there and scare the shit out of people with my book. And then let me know about it at bonesbarbuncle@lancecarbuncle.com. Thank you.
So get out there and sing the praises of Smashed. The world needs more Carbuncle and you, yes you, can help. This contest ends on July 24, 2009. So put on some pants, drink a little bit of liquid courage, and get out there and scare the shit out of people with my book. And then let me know about it at bonesbarbuncle@lancecarbuncle.com. Thank you.
July 6, 2009
Grundish and Askew cover
My next book, Grundish and Askew is almost done and ready for release. Here is the back cover blurb:
"Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following questions: what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what’s that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle’s latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness."
And check out the bad-ass cover design done by my friend and fellow Vicious Books author, Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach's Ribs. Marcus graciously offered his talent up for the cover design and did not disappoint.
Keep an eye out for Grundish and Askew, to be released through Vicious Books this August.
Carbuncle
"Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following questions: what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what’s that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle’s latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness."
And check out the bad-ass cover design done by my friend and fellow Vicious Books author, Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach's Ribs. Marcus graciously offered his talent up for the cover design and did not disappoint.
Keep an eye out for Grundish and Askew, to be released through Vicious Books this August.
Carbuncle
May 7, 2009
e-mail list
I am starting up an e-mail list to keep my readers up to date on various Lance Carbuncle projects. People on the e-mail list will be notified about important matters such as when my next book, Grundish and Askew, will be released. Additional information will also be made available, such as contests, giveaways, what I had for lunch and how it's affecting my digestive system, embarrassing pictures of me in animal costumes, etc. So e-mail me at Bonesbarbuncle@lancecarbuncle.com and get your name on the list. You know you want to.
March 2, 2009
Prologue to Grundish and Askew
My next novel, Grundish and Askew is slated for release through Vicious Books on August 1, 2009. Right now G&A is going through the editing process and Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach's Ribs, is working up a bitchin' cover for me. In the meantime, here is the prologue to Grundish and Askew:
Prologue
The fat and fiery center of the solar system paused and squatted itself directly above the souped-up El Camino as Grundish pulled off of the paved road and onto the overgrown gravel path winding into the woods. Askew, Grundish’s copilot, navigator, sidekick, best friend, and punching bag, glanced behind them down the empty paved road, and then up at the growing, speeding form in the distant sky. Neither of the men saw the bullet riddled No Trespassing sign that the owner of the property posted. That’s because the sign wasn’t there anymore. It was stolen the night before by a minivan full of drunken teenagers whose final haul included a stop sign, two blinking orange lights from barricades, a Stoner Road street sign, and a mailbox shaped like a manatee. The driver of the van, a troubled boy with one ear, thought the sign would look cool on his bedroom wall. Not that the sign would have stopped Grundish and Askew, their intrusion on the private property was just one more transgression committed in the name of self-preservation. Ripping down the road at full throttle, the El Camino left a plume of dust and unfinished business in their wake.
Grundish thought about his promise to his friend. He thought about how he loved that man, although he would never say it in such terms for fear of sounding like a fag or something. It wasn’t like that, though. It was just that Askew was always there for him, and likewise Grundish for Askew. Life always seemed less interesting when the two were separated. Grundish thought about times they had shared, and laughs, and fights, and drunken nights. Grundish thought about how Askew would have done anything for him. Grundish thought about how he was going to shoot his best friend in the back of the head.
Prologue
The fat and fiery center of the solar system paused and squatted itself directly above the souped-up El Camino as Grundish pulled off of the paved road and onto the overgrown gravel path winding into the woods. Askew, Grundish’s copilot, navigator, sidekick, best friend, and punching bag, glanced behind them down the empty paved road, and then up at the growing, speeding form in the distant sky. Neither of the men saw the bullet riddled No Trespassing sign that the owner of the property posted. That’s because the sign wasn’t there anymore. It was stolen the night before by a minivan full of drunken teenagers whose final haul included a stop sign, two blinking orange lights from barricades, a Stoner Road street sign, and a mailbox shaped like a manatee. The driver of the van, a troubled boy with one ear, thought the sign would look cool on his bedroom wall. Not that the sign would have stopped Grundish and Askew, their intrusion on the private property was just one more transgression committed in the name of self-preservation. Ripping down the road at full throttle, the El Camino left a plume of dust and unfinished business in their wake.
Grundish thought about his promise to his friend. He thought about how he loved that man, although he would never say it in such terms for fear of sounding like a fag or something. It wasn’t like that, though. It was just that Askew was always there for him, and likewise Grundish for Askew. Life always seemed less interesting when the two were separated. Grundish thought about times they had shared, and laughs, and fights, and drunken nights. Grundish thought about how Askew would have done anything for him. Grundish thought about how he was going to shoot his best friend in the back of the head.
February 23, 2009
I want a soundtrack
I think that it is very uncool that those movie guys get to create soundtracks for their flicks to enhance the viewers’ enjoyment, but books never have soundtracks. Therefore, I have compiled a list of tunes to enhance my first novel, SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED. I recommend first that you buy my book (signed copies available on Lancecarbuncle.com. Unsigned copies for sale on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com). Second, you should put yourself in a relaxed frame of mind with libations, freestyle yodeling, shock treatment, chemicals, yoga, or whatever else chills you out. Finally, download (legally) the following songs and put them all together on a playlist (or mixed-tape or cd if you’re old school):
Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
Mike Doughty - Looks
Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Jimi Hendrix- Hey Joe
Mr. Bungle - Squeeze Me Macaroni
Warren Zevon - My Shit’s Fucked Up
Black Sabbath - The Wizard
Big Momma Thornton - Hound Dog
The White Stripes - I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet)
Deep Purple - Space Trucking
Reverend Horton Heat - Folsom Prison Blues
Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs - Wooly Bully
St. Germaine - So Flute
Joe Strummer - Road to Rock ‘n’ Roll
Frank Zappa - Truck Driver Divorce
Judas Priest - Screaming for Vengeance
Alice Cooper- For Veronica’s Sake
Cracker - Truckload of Art
Grateful Dead - Tennessee Jed
R.L. Burnside - Asspocket of Whiskey
Muddy Waters - Baby, Please Don’t Go
Little Walter - Boom Boom, Out Go the Lights
Joey Ramone - What a Wonderful World
Lloyd Williams - Shama Lama Ding Dong
AC-DC - If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It)
Robert Johnson - If I had Possession Over Judgment Day
The Band - The Weight
Signed copies of Smashed available at Lancecarbuncle.com for $12.50 (includes p&H). Or you can pay more and get unsigned copies at Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com.
Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
Mike Doughty - Looks
Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Jimi Hendrix- Hey Joe
Mr. Bungle - Squeeze Me Macaroni
Warren Zevon - My Shit’s Fucked Up
Black Sabbath - The Wizard
Big Momma Thornton - Hound Dog
The White Stripes - I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet)
Deep Purple - Space Trucking
Reverend Horton Heat - Folsom Prison Blues
Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs - Wooly Bully
St. Germaine - So Flute
Joe Strummer - Road to Rock ‘n’ Roll
Frank Zappa - Truck Driver Divorce
Judas Priest - Screaming for Vengeance
Alice Cooper- For Veronica’s Sake
Cracker - Truckload of Art
Grateful Dead - Tennessee Jed
R.L. Burnside - Asspocket of Whiskey
Muddy Waters - Baby, Please Don’t Go
Little Walter - Boom Boom, Out Go the Lights
Joey Ramone - What a Wonderful World
Lloyd Williams - Shama Lama Ding Dong
AC-DC - If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It)
Robert Johnson - If I had Possession Over Judgment Day
The Band - The Weight
Signed copies of Smashed available at Lancecarbuncle.com for $12.50 (includes p&H). Or you can pay more and get unsigned copies at Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com.
