Pamela Taeuffer's Blog - Posts Tagged "trust"
Why Am I Afraid of Sex and Intimacy
IN THIS SCENE NICKY YOUNG, OUR YOUNG WOMAN COMING OF AGE, SITS WITH HER NEW WOMEN FRIENDS AND MENTORS, TARA SUMMERS AND ALEXANDRA FLOWERS, WIFE AND FIANCE TO MATT AND DARRELL SWEET, PROFESSIONAL PITCHERS ON THE SAN FRANCISCO GOLIATHS BASEBALL TEAM.
NIKCY HAS JUST SHARED WITH ALEX THAT HER FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC, AND BEGINS TO REFLECT INWARD ON HER PROBLEMS OF MAKING NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND HER CHALLENGES ABOUT HAVING SEX.
To finally share the information with someone I trusted, who was another adult, was such a relief, and in doing so, I cemented the relationship with my two new women friends.
"This is an escape as much as a hope that Stanford will acknowledge me," I said. "My dad and sister argue and fight all the time, and my mom is just, somewhere else. I wanna get out of there."
"What about you?" Alex asked. "What's your relationship like with your Dad?"
"I love him, but he's made me . . ." I stumbled to find the word.
"Numb?" she asked knowingly.
"Yeah," I said.
"I know, Sweetheart," she said patting my back, "I know."
How do you know?
When Tara joined us, Alex excused herself to check on my teammates.
"What's your routine like tonight?" Tara asked. Both she and Alex were yell leaders in high school and working with cheer routines was second nature for them.
As I stood up, waving my hands in the air to demonstrate, the Goliaths were on the field taking batting practice, shagging balls, and doing their sprints and stretches.
"Looks like you guys have it down," Tara said. "I'll be watching to make sure I don't see anything you need to work out. If I do, you can all come over to my house and we'll review it."
When I sat down, I noticed Ryan Tilton, who was a pitcher, the game closer, for the Goliaths, looking at me as he ran to catch fly balls and then throw them back to the infield.
Ryan's six-foot, two-inch frame, athletic body, blue eyes, and golden brown hair were like a beacon, and I'd already noticed in just a few weeks, how people were naturally drawn to him.
The women were endless, dressed to attract a single man, but there was also a parade of others hoping for a piece of the good looking, professional athlete he was.
"Yeah, okay," I said. "Hey, what's Ryan Tilton staring at anyway? He's been looking over here off and on for the last half hour."
"Don't mess with that one," Tara said. "He's a wild boy."
"Yeah, I gathered as much," I said. "You know, almost everyone has come out to introduce themselves to us, but he's among only a few that hasn't."
"He's got a reputation along with his friend, Kevin Reynolds," she said. "I think Ryan has a steady. At least there's a blonde woman named Jesse who hangs around him, but 'steady' is relative when it comes to that boy. You shouldn't even think about a ball player."
"No chance of that. I don't even date," I said laughing.
I entered into my adult life innocent and extremely naïve about sex and boys. I was shut down and closed off, and afraid that having a boyfriend meant I'd get distracted and my grades would suffer.
Ultimately I interpreted a boyfriend as a roadblock to Stanford and much too risky. Ever since I was a young girl I had marked the beginning of college on my calendar with a red pen and circled each day that passed in yellow.
I was stubborn and frustratingly slow to open up and let anyone inside my personal fortress.
All my friends were sexually active, but I just wasn't ready. Sex was a strange concept for me. I couldn't understand my friends having it at fifteen and sixteen. Stay away from boys as long as possible was what I believed, especially since my sister had been raped at fourteen.
The day my sister's life changed forever, I came home from school at the usual time.
WHAT ARE YOUR CHALLENGES WITH INTIMACY?
HOW MANY TIMES COULD YOU HAVE REACHED OUT TO A FRIEND OR CO-WORKER IN A VULNERABLE AND LOVING WAY?
WHY IS SEX CARRY SUCH A BIG STIGMA IF IT'S BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS?
I welcome your comments and invite you to contact me on my website www.PamelaTaeuffer.com
Or e mail me: pamelataeuffer@gmail.com
I am also on Facebook: /Shadow-Heart and Pinterest: /pamelataeuffer/shadowheart
Twitter: @PTaeufferAuthor
Thank for reading!Shadow Heart
NIKCY HAS JUST SHARED WITH ALEX THAT HER FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC, AND BEGINS TO REFLECT INWARD ON HER PROBLEMS OF MAKING NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND HER CHALLENGES ABOUT HAVING SEX.
To finally share the information with someone I trusted, who was another adult, was such a relief, and in doing so, I cemented the relationship with my two new women friends.
"This is an escape as much as a hope that Stanford will acknowledge me," I said. "My dad and sister argue and fight all the time, and my mom is just, somewhere else. I wanna get out of there."
"What about you?" Alex asked. "What's your relationship like with your Dad?"
"I love him, but he's made me . . ." I stumbled to find the word.
"Numb?" she asked knowingly.
"Yeah," I said.
"I know, Sweetheart," she said patting my back, "I know."
How do you know?
When Tara joined us, Alex excused herself to check on my teammates.
"What's your routine like tonight?" Tara asked. Both she and Alex were yell leaders in high school and working with cheer routines was second nature for them.
As I stood up, waving my hands in the air to demonstrate, the Goliaths were on the field taking batting practice, shagging balls, and doing their sprints and stretches.
"Looks like you guys have it down," Tara said. "I'll be watching to make sure I don't see anything you need to work out. If I do, you can all come over to my house and we'll review it."
When I sat down, I noticed Ryan Tilton, who was a pitcher, the game closer, for the Goliaths, looking at me as he ran to catch fly balls and then throw them back to the infield.
Ryan's six-foot, two-inch frame, athletic body, blue eyes, and golden brown hair were like a beacon, and I'd already noticed in just a few weeks, how people were naturally drawn to him.
The women were endless, dressed to attract a single man, but there was also a parade of others hoping for a piece of the good looking, professional athlete he was.
"Yeah, okay," I said. "Hey, what's Ryan Tilton staring at anyway? He's been looking over here off and on for the last half hour."
"Don't mess with that one," Tara said. "He's a wild boy."
"Yeah, I gathered as much," I said. "You know, almost everyone has come out to introduce themselves to us, but he's among only a few that hasn't."
"He's got a reputation along with his friend, Kevin Reynolds," she said. "I think Ryan has a steady. At least there's a blonde woman named Jesse who hangs around him, but 'steady' is relative when it comes to that boy. You shouldn't even think about a ball player."
"No chance of that. I don't even date," I said laughing.
I entered into my adult life innocent and extremely naïve about sex and boys. I was shut down and closed off, and afraid that having a boyfriend meant I'd get distracted and my grades would suffer.
Ultimately I interpreted a boyfriend as a roadblock to Stanford and much too risky. Ever since I was a young girl I had marked the beginning of college on my calendar with a red pen and circled each day that passed in yellow.
I was stubborn and frustratingly slow to open up and let anyone inside my personal fortress.
All my friends were sexually active, but I just wasn't ready. Sex was a strange concept for me. I couldn't understand my friends having it at fifteen and sixteen. Stay away from boys as long as possible was what I believed, especially since my sister had been raped at fourteen.
The day my sister's life changed forever, I came home from school at the usual time.
WHAT ARE YOUR CHALLENGES WITH INTIMACY?
HOW MANY TIMES COULD YOU HAVE REACHED OUT TO A FRIEND OR CO-WORKER IN A VULNERABLE AND LOVING WAY?
WHY IS SEX CARRY SUCH A BIG STIGMA IF IT'S BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS?
I welcome your comments and invite you to contact me on my website www.PamelaTaeuffer.com
Or e mail me: pamelataeuffer@gmail.com
I am also on Facebook: /Shadow-Heart and Pinterest: /pamelataeuffer/shadowheart
Twitter: @PTaeufferAuthor
Thank for reading!Shadow Heart
Intimacy-How can I find it?
“You don’t date?” Alex asked, once again joining Tara and me sitting in the bleachers.
“No,” I said.
“Why ever not,” she asked.
I was ridiculously naïve and socially backward in so many ways. Being raised in an alcoholic family can do that. It was better to hide away and shut down rather than feel the extreme joy or intense pain of life.
Like most of us, I had learned from what my parents taught by how they relate to one another.
How soft are they?
Do they reach for each other’s hand?
Are their kisses open and frequent?
Do they hold the door open for each other?
Are their faces or eyes soft when they look or talk to each other? What about their terms of endearment? I never heard “my love,
honey, dear, sweetie,” or any other pet name.
What I saw, was that my mother had opened her heart to a man, and
in doing so, said, “I trust you” in every way.
She believed a promise of everything better in my father, who at the time was newly returned from serving in the army and beginning his career as a streetcar driver. Mom saw a light in his eyes and was attracted to his sense of humor and carefree spirit. It was an innocence she didn’t experience as a young girl.
What were the examples of a relationship growing up?
What were the examples of a relationship growing up?
They met through a friend who introduced them when my mom had just moved to San Francisco. My father fell in love with the strong woman she seemed to be; so much so, that they committed to each other in every way—to marry, make a life, and have children.
Who knows what went wrong, but ultimately their love was crushed and their hearts were broken. Neither of them made time for each other, or remained tender. They closed their doors and windows and became hard.
A diseased man pushed her and hit her and told her by his love for the bottle, that she wasn’t good enough. Mom wasn’t even second best. His friends at the bar stood in that place.
So for me, the lesson from my parents taught me to shut down, never let anyone in, and especially when it came to a boy, keep my heart closed. Being someone’s girlfriend or wife meant abuse and being a second choice.
To make sure I didn’t have to battle those traumas, I held my sword at my side, ready to slice them from my life as soon as I felt threatened. I didn’t give anyone a chance to explain if I felt wronged.
It was all about trust—or more accurately—the lack of it, and discus- sions such as these are what brought Tara, Alex, and me close together as girlfriends.
“No,” I said.
“Why ever not,” she asked.
I was ridiculously naïve and socially backward in so many ways. Being raised in an alcoholic family can do that. It was better to hide away and shut down rather than feel the extreme joy or intense pain of life.
Like most of us, I had learned from what my parents taught by how they relate to one another.
How soft are they?
Do they reach for each other’s hand?
Are their kisses open and frequent?
Do they hold the door open for each other?
Are their faces or eyes soft when they look or talk to each other? What about their terms of endearment? I never heard “my love,
honey, dear, sweetie,” or any other pet name.
What I saw, was that my mother had opened her heart to a man, and
in doing so, said, “I trust you” in every way.
She believed a promise of everything better in my father, who at the time was newly returned from serving in the army and beginning his career as a streetcar driver. Mom saw a light in his eyes and was attracted to his sense of humor and carefree spirit. It was an innocence she didn’t experience as a young girl.
What were the examples of a relationship growing up?
What were the examples of a relationship growing up?
They met through a friend who introduced them when my mom had just moved to San Francisco. My father fell in love with the strong woman she seemed to be; so much so, that they committed to each other in every way—to marry, make a life, and have children.
Who knows what went wrong, but ultimately their love was crushed and their hearts were broken. Neither of them made time for each other, or remained tender. They closed their doors and windows and became hard.
A diseased man pushed her and hit her and told her by his love for the bottle, that she wasn’t good enough. Mom wasn’t even second best. His friends at the bar stood in that place.
So for me, the lesson from my parents taught me to shut down, never let anyone in, and especially when it came to a boy, keep my heart closed. Being someone’s girlfriend or wife meant abuse and being a second choice.
To make sure I didn’t have to battle those traumas, I held my sword at my side, ready to slice them from my life as soon as I felt threatened. I didn’t give anyone a chance to explain if I felt wronged.
It was all about trust—or more accurately—the lack of it, and discus- sions such as these are what brought Tara, Alex, and me close together as girlfriends.
Shadow Heart e book giveaway on Amazon
After a thoughtful debate, I took my readers' suggestions and redesigned, edited, Shadow Heart.
I'm re-releasing, currently available on Kindle or paperback on Amazon, with a KDP giveaway 10/4-10/5.
Thanks to all my readers who voiced strong opinions.
I'm listening.
I'm re-releasing, currently available on Kindle or paperback on Amazon, with a KDP giveaway 10/4-10/5.
Thanks to all my readers who voiced strong opinions.
I'm listening.
