Pamela Taeuffer's Blog - Posts Tagged "coming-of-age"
A Romance Novel, Coming of Age, Intimacy, Addiction, Family
So to recap Chapter 1 of Shadow Heart, the first novel in the Broken Bottles Series.
What are the challenges of our heroine, Nicky Young?
The story opens up as we hear her voice, at some age, talking about a time when she was eight years old and witnessed her father's rage toward Jenise, her sister, just because they wouldn't eat the cold creamed corn their father served them.
We also hear Nicky open her story by talking about her little prayer, the way most little girls and boys pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep . . . and please make my father quit drinking."
In fact I prayed this way every night growing up, because you see, Nicky in many ways is me.
No amount of prayer changed my father. Sometimes he paused for a week, a month, a day . . . one time he was sober for eight months. What a joy it was to have my dad back. But you know what? It also heightened my anxiety.
Why?
Because a new edge was sharpened on my survival "knife." Now each day I waited, dreading the man who was bound to fall off the wagon, once again red faced, seeking sloppy love when all we wanted to do was push him away.
Have you felt like that?
Growing up under any trauma makes us not only survivors, but keen observers, adept at analysis, and listeners like no other, but we need to weave and dodge through the bullets of dysfunction.
So what do we know by knowing Nicky in chapter 1? She prays, which means she must have had some exposure to religion of some sort.
She talks about the things she knows:
1. Something bad is coming; it always does.
2. I can't ask for help; I'm too ashamed.
3. I can't talk about our secrets; no one else understands.
4. I can't trust anyone; they always leave.
Children of addiction/trauma learn by being abandoned. We are promised, day after day that this will be the holiday, birthday, school even, that our parent or loved one will be sober. But of course they choose the bottle or drug of choice over us.
We're sure no other family is going through it, and we know we have to keep secrets.
What else do we know?
Nicky's mother has gone through the same thing. She screams out loud in the Arizona desert in the summer monsoons to have the floods take her away from her home.
What does Nicky know now after watching her sister's punishment?
She's not safe.
Her mother can't protect her.
Her father is no longer who he once was.
She knows, it's all up to her, and she'd better pave her own road because no one is there to help her.
WHEN DID YOU REALIZE IT WAS ALL UP TO YOU?
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ROMANCE?
AAAHHH! JUST WAIT…IT'S COMING! DEEP, SENSUAL INTIMACY…WILL NICKY LEARN HOW TO GET IT?Shadow Heart
What are the challenges of our heroine, Nicky Young?
The story opens up as we hear her voice, at some age, talking about a time when she was eight years old and witnessed her father's rage toward Jenise, her sister, just because they wouldn't eat the cold creamed corn their father served them.
We also hear Nicky open her story by talking about her little prayer, the way most little girls and boys pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep . . . and please make my father quit drinking."
In fact I prayed this way every night growing up, because you see, Nicky in many ways is me.
No amount of prayer changed my father. Sometimes he paused for a week, a month, a day . . . one time he was sober for eight months. What a joy it was to have my dad back. But you know what? It also heightened my anxiety.
Why?
Because a new edge was sharpened on my survival "knife." Now each day I waited, dreading the man who was bound to fall off the wagon, once again red faced, seeking sloppy love when all we wanted to do was push him away.
Have you felt like that?
Growing up under any trauma makes us not only survivors, but keen observers, adept at analysis, and listeners like no other, but we need to weave and dodge through the bullets of dysfunction.
So what do we know by knowing Nicky in chapter 1? She prays, which means she must have had some exposure to religion of some sort.
She talks about the things she knows:
1. Something bad is coming; it always does.
2. I can't ask for help; I'm too ashamed.
3. I can't talk about our secrets; no one else understands.
4. I can't trust anyone; they always leave.
Children of addiction/trauma learn by being abandoned. We are promised, day after day that this will be the holiday, birthday, school even, that our parent or loved one will be sober. But of course they choose the bottle or drug of choice over us.
We're sure no other family is going through it, and we know we have to keep secrets.
What else do we know?
Nicky's mother has gone through the same thing. She screams out loud in the Arizona desert in the summer monsoons to have the floods take her away from her home.
What does Nicky know now after watching her sister's punishment?
She's not safe.
Her mother can't protect her.
Her father is no longer who he once was.
She knows, it's all up to her, and she'd better pave her own road because no one is there to help her.
WHEN DID YOU REALIZE IT WAS ALL UP TO YOU?
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ROMANCE?
AAAHHH! JUST WAIT…IT'S COMING! DEEP, SENSUAL INTIMACY…WILL NICKY LEARN HOW TO GET IT?Shadow Heart
"My dad's an alcoholic and I hate my body."
At seventeen, Nicky confides in cheer team mentor Alexandra Flowers and Tara Summers about her family's dysfunction and also her fears and doubts about her body. Her hips, breasts, and stomach are more developed than her peers, she is getting looks from older men, and she's uncomfortable in her own skin and with others. She sits in the bleachers talking with the two women.
"My dad's an alcoholic, Alex," I confided while she waited with me in the outfield bleachers at the Goliaths baseball stadium.
It was shortly after I had graduated from my sophomore year in high school that I came up with an idea to bring together two of my favorite things: Goliaths baseball and another after school activity in which I could participate, padding my resume for college.
I planned to study business marketing and wanted to do it at Stanford. From talking with my guidance counselor I knew I needed to be aggressive, somehow standing out from the thousands of students wanting to go there.
So I surveyed Goliath fans via social media, researched and gathered data which supported my idea, and put together my plan for a cheer team.
I proposed we sing and do gymnastics to carefully selected songs approved by management, which would also play over the public address system.
Cheering on a professional baseball field had never been done before. I knew if my plan was accepted, Stanford would follow. After reviewing and editing it more than a dozen times, I finally sent it off to Jose Vasquez, the Entertainment Marketing Manager with the Goliaths. In December of my junior year I got the call that it was accepted.
Our cheer team consisted of six members: Colleen, who was also my best friend, Sharon, Lorraine, Marilyn, Patty, and me.
All of us grew up together in the same neighborhood and had been friends since grade school. We kept our fingers crossed that this adventure would be our ticket to college.
Was I nervous about walking onto a professional baseball field and performing in front of forty-thousand people? Hell yes. With every performance I fidgeted and had butterflies in my stomach.
Like a "deer in the headlights," is how we felt, our eyes wide open, afraid, nervous, and excited. Two women, Tara Summers and Alexandra Flowers, noticed, and immediately took us under their wings, especially me.
Tara was married to Matt Summers, a pitcher on the Goliaths. She was a small, petite, gentle soul with long, strawberry blonde hair. Her face was dotted with freckles and she generally wore jeans or loose flowing pants in earthy colors and materials like cotton and muslin.
Her very good friend, Alex, was engaged to Darrell Sweet, also a pitcher on the Goliaths, and she couldn't have been more different. She was a tall woman with reddish brown hair who had such striking features that she'd been a model since high school. When she wore jeans, they were often paired with heels and a designer blouse or sweater.
Something just clicked between the three of us and we bonded immediately.
It began with long talks in the bleachers, which led to requests made only of me to water their plants, or housesit when they were away, volunteering with them at their favorite charities, and then eventually, we began socializing together.
Our first performance was a Friday night in early April. It was usually cold for night games in San Francisco, until early autumn when "Indian Summer" came to the Bay Area, bringing calm breezes and warmer temperatures.
The Goliaths games generally sold out; they'd been competitive for the previous ten years, and their fan base was scattered throughout a one-hundred-mile radius.
And so, as thousands of people sat in their seats waiting for the game to begin, we performed the routines we'd rehearsed almost every day for four months. Each was two minutes long, and we took the field before the first, third, fifth and eighth innings.
I remembered sitting in the stands with my father at six, seven, and eight years old, all around the stadium, slurping up a hot fudge sundae or eating a pretzel. Actually being on the field, among the baseball men I'd cheered for while sitting next to him, was surreal.
Now it was our sixth game, and we waited behind the outfield fences for our first performance. The noises of the crowd surrounded us, and drifting by were the smells of hot dogs and popcorn.
I hadn't gotten over my nervousness, and still, my stomach turned over. I was self-conscious and had anxiety from just about everything.
It was a Saturday afternoon, as Alex waited with me, and I told her about my alcoholic father, and the battles for survival my sister and I faced daily.
1. HOW DO YOU/DID YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY AT SEVENTEEN?
2. DO YOU LOOK BACK NOW AND REALIZE HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE/WERE?
3. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE FEARS ABOUT YOUR BODY THAT STAY WITH YOU EVEN NOW?
4. WHAT WAS THE MOMENT, IF YOU'VE SURVIVED ADDICTION IN YOUR FAMILY, YOU REALIZED SOMETHING WAS WRONG?
#alcoholism #comingofage #women #newadultromance #romance #contemporary romance #family #addiction
"My dad's an alcoholic, Alex," I confided while she waited with me in the outfield bleachers at the Goliaths baseball stadium.
It was shortly after I had graduated from my sophomore year in high school that I came up with an idea to bring together two of my favorite things: Goliaths baseball and another after school activity in which I could participate, padding my resume for college.
I planned to study business marketing and wanted to do it at Stanford. From talking with my guidance counselor I knew I needed to be aggressive, somehow standing out from the thousands of students wanting to go there.
So I surveyed Goliath fans via social media, researched and gathered data which supported my idea, and put together my plan for a cheer team.
I proposed we sing and do gymnastics to carefully selected songs approved by management, which would also play over the public address system.
Cheering on a professional baseball field had never been done before. I knew if my plan was accepted, Stanford would follow. After reviewing and editing it more than a dozen times, I finally sent it off to Jose Vasquez, the Entertainment Marketing Manager with the Goliaths. In December of my junior year I got the call that it was accepted.
Our cheer team consisted of six members: Colleen, who was also my best friend, Sharon, Lorraine, Marilyn, Patty, and me.
All of us grew up together in the same neighborhood and had been friends since grade school. We kept our fingers crossed that this adventure would be our ticket to college.
Was I nervous about walking onto a professional baseball field and performing in front of forty-thousand people? Hell yes. With every performance I fidgeted and had butterflies in my stomach.
Like a "deer in the headlights," is how we felt, our eyes wide open, afraid, nervous, and excited. Two women, Tara Summers and Alexandra Flowers, noticed, and immediately took us under their wings, especially me.
Tara was married to Matt Summers, a pitcher on the Goliaths. She was a small, petite, gentle soul with long, strawberry blonde hair. Her face was dotted with freckles and she generally wore jeans or loose flowing pants in earthy colors and materials like cotton and muslin.
Her very good friend, Alex, was engaged to Darrell Sweet, also a pitcher on the Goliaths, and she couldn't have been more different. She was a tall woman with reddish brown hair who had such striking features that she'd been a model since high school. When she wore jeans, they were often paired with heels and a designer blouse or sweater.
Something just clicked between the three of us and we bonded immediately.
It began with long talks in the bleachers, which led to requests made only of me to water their plants, or housesit when they were away, volunteering with them at their favorite charities, and then eventually, we began socializing together.
Our first performance was a Friday night in early April. It was usually cold for night games in San Francisco, until early autumn when "Indian Summer" came to the Bay Area, bringing calm breezes and warmer temperatures.
The Goliaths games generally sold out; they'd been competitive for the previous ten years, and their fan base was scattered throughout a one-hundred-mile radius.
And so, as thousands of people sat in their seats waiting for the game to begin, we performed the routines we'd rehearsed almost every day for four months. Each was two minutes long, and we took the field before the first, third, fifth and eighth innings.
I remembered sitting in the stands with my father at six, seven, and eight years old, all around the stadium, slurping up a hot fudge sundae or eating a pretzel. Actually being on the field, among the baseball men I'd cheered for while sitting next to him, was surreal.
Now it was our sixth game, and we waited behind the outfield fences for our first performance. The noises of the crowd surrounded us, and drifting by were the smells of hot dogs and popcorn.
I hadn't gotten over my nervousness, and still, my stomach turned over. I was self-conscious and had anxiety from just about everything.
It was a Saturday afternoon, as Alex waited with me, and I told her about my alcoholic father, and the battles for survival my sister and I faced daily.
1. HOW DO YOU/DID YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY AT SEVENTEEN?
2. DO YOU LOOK BACK NOW AND REALIZE HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE/WERE?
3. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE FEARS ABOUT YOUR BODY THAT STAY WITH YOU EVEN NOW?
4. WHAT WAS THE MOMENT, IF YOU'VE SURVIVED ADDICTION IN YOUR FAMILY, YOU REALIZED SOMETHING WAS WRONG?
#alcoholism #comingofage #women #newadultromance #romance #contemporary romance #family #addiction
When is it time to talk about family secrets?
Shadow Heart* If you've been raised in family addiction, you know what family secrets are.
* When you cover family secrets, do you feel like no one will understand?
* When you feel alone, do you feel abandoned?
THERE'S NO RIGHT TIME TO BEGIN TO TELL YOU STORY.
EXPLAIN, EXPLORE, HELP OTHERS TO DISCOVER -- THEY AREN'T ALONE. MILLIONS HAVE COME FROM GENERATIONS BEFORE, TRYING TO STOP THE DYSFUNCTION.
When your story involves dark family secrets, secrets that need to be told, secrets that may offend dead, alive, those in denial, those willing to share, and reveal . . . just when do you decide to write those things?
Sisters ttrying to protect themselves against dark family secrets
I have a friend whose siblings curse her for telling her dark family story. Even though her book is magnificent, brilliantly revealing the raw, bare details of growing up in dysfunction, helping others better understand the effects of being raised in addiction.
I have a sibling who wants it out, along with me, so that others may walk perhaps a little more lightly when they realize "it's not them" it's the survival from four years old, it's the walking on eggshells every day, and it's the fear of being driven to the bar, then home, by a parent who is drunk.
When do those secrets come out and the feelings of being terrified and shamed and abandoned night after night as we took care of our own needs, even though my sister and I were only 4 and 7 years old?
When is it time?
Why should those secrets lay buried?
Should the ones who brought the darkness down on us be spared?
Should the ones who abused us stay hidden?
When is it time?
* When you cover family secrets, do you feel like no one will understand?
* When you feel alone, do you feel abandoned?
THERE'S NO RIGHT TIME TO BEGIN TO TELL YOU STORY.
EXPLAIN, EXPLORE, HELP OTHERS TO DISCOVER -- THEY AREN'T ALONE. MILLIONS HAVE COME FROM GENERATIONS BEFORE, TRYING TO STOP THE DYSFUNCTION.
When your story involves dark family secrets, secrets that need to be told, secrets that may offend dead, alive, those in denial, those willing to share, and reveal . . . just when do you decide to write those things?
Sisters ttrying to protect themselves against dark family secrets
I have a friend whose siblings curse her for telling her dark family story. Even though her book is magnificent, brilliantly revealing the raw, bare details of growing up in dysfunction, helping others better understand the effects of being raised in addiction.
I have a sibling who wants it out, along with me, so that others may walk perhaps a little more lightly when they realize "it's not them" it's the survival from four years old, it's the walking on eggshells every day, and it's the fear of being driven to the bar, then home, by a parent who is drunk.
When do those secrets come out and the feelings of being terrified and shamed and abandoned night after night as we took care of our own needs, even though my sister and I were only 4 and 7 years old?
When is it time?
Why should those secrets lay buried?
Should the ones who brought the darkness down on us be spared?
Should the ones who abused us stay hidden?
When is it time?
First Stirrings - When are we Aware of Intimacy?
It's a feeling in our belly.
It's a pulse in our chest that surges down through our stomach, lower, into our pelvis, aching, longing to be relieved.
It's the slant of an eye, or a bashful look through his eyelashes.
What and who stirred feelings of sensuality for you?
We pick up Shadow Heart just after Ryan Tilton, almost 25, introduces himself to Nicky Young, seventeen. He begins a very careful, slow, sensual plan to bring her heart and mind to him and knows he needs to be careful or she'll run away. Nicky is the daughter of an alcoholic, and the way she avoids confrontation is to run away.
**************
He laughed, and his tone got my attention once again.
Wow that laugh—it’s sublime, subtle, and distinct, and something’s . . . I feel like there’s a low rumble beginning in my belly.
“I talk fast when I’m nervous, too,” he said. Again, he put his hand on my shoulder.
Wow his hands are big.
What does Nicky do with feelings of warm pulses?
What does Nicky do with feelings of warm pulses?
“Yeah, thanks but you’re, well you’re who you are,” I said.
“From what I understand you’re a genius yourself,” he leaned in close. “Your resume lists your GPA as 4.25, right?”
“I’ve never had my IQ measured to know, but I study all the time. I work very hard at it,” I said taking a breath. Keep it together. “All the time,” I repeated.
His smile was wide, but then his expression changed as he explained, “My dad was in the service too; Afghanistan. He was killed when I was
fourteen.” He looked away, seemingly trying to grasp and hold in his pain. “Oh, Mr. Tilton,” I put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.” Damn, so
young, poor guy.
I was startled by the power underneath his skin. His muscles were hard and well-defined, and the feel of them sent a surge through my body. It was as if they were hard marbles covered by fur, and touching him brought a different feeling to me, one I’d never experienced before.
It began with a burst in my chest, like a big beat, and rolled with an ache into my stomach and then resonated down my legs.
“Ooh!” It was as if my hand burned. I lifted it off him quickly.
Oh damn! Did he feel it too? Wasn’t that a ripple that went through his arm?
“What’s the matter, Nicky?” his expression was suggestive and it made me look away.
“Nothing, Mr. Tilton,” I said playing with my hair.
“Ryan. Just call me Ryan. Thank you for your sweet thoughts,” he said. “It was a tough time for me, and it’s why I feel so deeply for those wounded vets in Yountville. If it’s all right with you, I’ll clear it with management to make sure they know I’m, uh, taking you out.”
He smiled at me with a look that made me question . . . things.
* What kinds of feelings is Nicky Battling?
* Why would she feel safe when her own father had let her go?
* How can Nicky bring someone close?
Won't you join the conversation and visit us at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com?
Shadow Heart will be given away as a kindle book 4/26-4/27 on Amazon.com. I'd love for you to download it and let me know your thoughts.
http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Heart-Co...
It's a pulse in our chest that surges down through our stomach, lower, into our pelvis, aching, longing to be relieved.
It's the slant of an eye, or a bashful look through his eyelashes.
What and who stirred feelings of sensuality for you?
We pick up Shadow Heart just after Ryan Tilton, almost 25, introduces himself to Nicky Young, seventeen. He begins a very careful, slow, sensual plan to bring her heart and mind to him and knows he needs to be careful or she'll run away. Nicky is the daughter of an alcoholic, and the way she avoids confrontation is to run away.
**************
He laughed, and his tone got my attention once again.
Wow that laugh—it’s sublime, subtle, and distinct, and something’s . . . I feel like there’s a low rumble beginning in my belly.
“I talk fast when I’m nervous, too,” he said. Again, he put his hand on my shoulder.
Wow his hands are big.
What does Nicky do with feelings of warm pulses?
What does Nicky do with feelings of warm pulses?
“Yeah, thanks but you’re, well you’re who you are,” I said.
“From what I understand you’re a genius yourself,” he leaned in close. “Your resume lists your GPA as 4.25, right?”
“I’ve never had my IQ measured to know, but I study all the time. I work very hard at it,” I said taking a breath. Keep it together. “All the time,” I repeated.
His smile was wide, but then his expression changed as he explained, “My dad was in the service too; Afghanistan. He was killed when I was
fourteen.” He looked away, seemingly trying to grasp and hold in his pain. “Oh, Mr. Tilton,” I put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.” Damn, so
young, poor guy.
I was startled by the power underneath his skin. His muscles were hard and well-defined, and the feel of them sent a surge through my body. It was as if they were hard marbles covered by fur, and touching him brought a different feeling to me, one I’d never experienced before.
It began with a burst in my chest, like a big beat, and rolled with an ache into my stomach and then resonated down my legs.
“Ooh!” It was as if my hand burned. I lifted it off him quickly.
Oh damn! Did he feel it too? Wasn’t that a ripple that went through his arm?
“What’s the matter, Nicky?” his expression was suggestive and it made me look away.
“Nothing, Mr. Tilton,” I said playing with my hair.
“Ryan. Just call me Ryan. Thank you for your sweet thoughts,” he said. “It was a tough time for me, and it’s why I feel so deeply for those wounded vets in Yountville. If it’s all right with you, I’ll clear it with management to make sure they know I’m, uh, taking you out.”
He smiled at me with a look that made me question . . . things.
* What kinds of feelings is Nicky Battling?
* Why would she feel safe when her own father had let her go?
* How can Nicky bring someone close?
Won't you join the conversation and visit us at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com?
Shadow Heart will be given away as a kindle book 4/26-4/27 on Amazon.com. I'd love for you to download it and let me know your thoughts.
http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Heart-Co...
FRIENDSHIPS IN TRANSITION
Sexy, professional baseball player, Ryan Tilton has just introduced himself to Nicky Young, a woman coming of age who has had her business plan accepted by the San Francisco Goliaths for a high school cheer team to perform during their games.
Nicky knows there is something different about their exchange, but no ready to admit anything quite yet. She is afraid of new relationships. She’s been raised in a home where addiction, dysfunction, and abandonment are the usual.
Why is there competition among friends?
Why is there competition among friends?
After they left us, Colleen came over.
“I saw you and Ryan Tilton talking.”
There’d always been a friendly competition between us, but with the acceptance of my business entertainment plan for our cheer team, our relationship had become somewhat strained.
“So?” What’s your point?” I asked.
“So, I saw him kiss your hand,” she said, sidling up to me, “and he spent so much time talking with you. Don’t you think he’s got a crush on you?”
“A crush? Are you saying he’s got a crush on me?” I asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” she said.
“Oh come on. He’s twenty-four. Didn’t he kiss your hand, too?” I asked.
“No. He. Did. Not.” she said slowly, enunciating her words.
No? That was just for me? Hmm…
“It’s because I’m the lead contact and my name is on everything,” I said. “That’s all.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what. I see that look in my boyfriend’s eyes and I know it’s more than you think, Nicky,” she said. “That look says ‘I wanna play with you.’”
“You’re imagining things,” I said.
But what if?
“He asked me about volunteering at the Veteran’s Hospital in Yountville,” I said. “I told him I’d speak with you guys about it.”
“Well anyway, I’d keep an eye on him,” she said. “There’s fire there for you.”
“No way,” I said. “We’ll see,” she said.
Maybe we will at that.
1. Nicky is desperate to escape her home life. Why wouldn’t she jump at the chance to have a new relationship?
2. Her best friend is challenging her. When and why does that happen between girlfriends? Does it happen with boyfriends? Is it natural that competition develops between friends? Can Nicky handle competition of this sort in a healthy way?
3. How could Nicky reach out in a healthy and age appropriate way to let her know she isn’t trying to steal attention?
Please join us at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com
I invite you to sign up there for my newsletter where we will form a book club, have discussions, live readings, free chapters and previews of new books and much more!
Nicky knows there is something different about their exchange, but no ready to admit anything quite yet. She is afraid of new relationships. She’s been raised in a home where addiction, dysfunction, and abandonment are the usual.
Why is there competition among friends?
Why is there competition among friends?
After they left us, Colleen came over.
“I saw you and Ryan Tilton talking.”
There’d always been a friendly competition between us, but with the acceptance of my business entertainment plan for our cheer team, our relationship had become somewhat strained.
“So?” What’s your point?” I asked.
“So, I saw him kiss your hand,” she said, sidling up to me, “and he spent so much time talking with you. Don’t you think he’s got a crush on you?”
“A crush? Are you saying he’s got a crush on me?” I asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” she said.
“Oh come on. He’s twenty-four. Didn’t he kiss your hand, too?” I asked.
“No. He. Did. Not.” she said slowly, enunciating her words.
No? That was just for me? Hmm…
“It’s because I’m the lead contact and my name is on everything,” I said. “That’s all.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what. I see that look in my boyfriend’s eyes and I know it’s more than you think, Nicky,” she said. “That look says ‘I wanna play with you.’”
“You’re imagining things,” I said.
But what if?
“He asked me about volunteering at the Veteran’s Hospital in Yountville,” I said. “I told him I’d speak with you guys about it.”
“Well anyway, I’d keep an eye on him,” she said. “There’s fire there for you.”
“No way,” I said. “We’ll see,” she said.
Maybe we will at that.
1. Nicky is desperate to escape her home life. Why wouldn’t she jump at the chance to have a new relationship?
2. Her best friend is challenging her. When and why does that happen between girlfriends? Does it happen with boyfriends? Is it natural that competition develops between friends? Can Nicky handle competition of this sort in a healthy way?
3. How could Nicky reach out in a healthy and age appropriate way to let her know she isn’t trying to steal attention?
Please join us at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com
I invite you to sign up there for my newsletter where we will form a book club, have discussions, live readings, free chapters and previews of new books and much more!
We all Took Turns Hiding
NICKY'S MOTHER SITS IN THE KITCHEN, TRYING NOT TO UNDERSTAND, EVEN AS SHE UNDERSTANDS, HER DAUGHTER'S NEED TO STAY BUSY AND AWAY FROM THE DARK SECRETS OF THEIR HOME.
My mother hid her emotions every day.
Now, instead of the gratification she'd received from her work, she picked up my father from the front lawn after he'd passed out, or helped him as he stumbled out of his truck, or undressed him and put him to bed, and sometimes wiped his ass when he'd made a mess of himself.
She drove to the store to get his bottles of whiskey so he wouldn’t drive drunk to get them.
Mom could've hidden his keys but that would have meant taking his verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
Perhaps she considered disabling his truck in some way, but that would have meant he couldn't get to work and his livelihood might be threatened.
Maybe this one of her silent gifts, making sure our college education was secure.
Like a doctor prescribing painkillers, she doled out his shots and managed his life.
Sometimes late at night, Dad's friends called my mom to get him from the bar because he couldn't drive. Jenise and I would ride with her, often around midnight, shrinking in the back seat under our blanket, trying to stay invisible.
"Going out?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, doing some charity work," I said. "One of the guys on the Goliaths is coming to pick me up. Jenise leave already?"
"She had something she needed to check on at school. One of the Goliaths players is taking you? Isn't that a little unusual?" She asked with raised eyebrows.
I think it is, but I don't know what to do with it yet.
"No, it's just that I was the person who submitted the cheer team plan. We started talking and because his dad was in the military, we hit it off." I took a breath. "He's easy to talk with."
"Uh-huh," she said. "Is he single?"
"Is he single? That's a weird question. Why?"
"Just curious," she said.
"Yes, he's single," I said.
"How old is he?"
"Almost twenty-five," I said.
"And you know this because . . ."
"Because I follow the team, mom. When I look at the press guide it has their birthdays. He's trying to help us with our college applications, that's all. A twenty-five-year-old man isn't interested in seventeen-year-old-girls."
"No?" she probed.
"No, that's disgusting." But not "yuck" like my first response when I talked with Tara.
"Don't you think you have enough to do?" she asked.
Like my father, I self-medicated, but instead of using alcohol, I stuffed my schedule with as many activities as I could to avoid my home life. My medication was to stay busy and away from anything too emotional. By not letting anyone in, I could stay numb and protected.
More hurt? I wasn't about to take any chances. I'd cried enough growing up and my invisible suitcase was heavy and full of anxiety.
"I've got plenty of time in my schedule, Mom. Anyway, it's summer."
1. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU OR YOUR SIBLINGS DID TO AVOID THE "PROBLEM" IN YOUR HOUSE?
2. WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE ADDICTED PERSON?
3. WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? PARENTS? RELATIVES?
Please join the conversation at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com and sign up for my newsletter. I promise to keep it intimate, real, and moving.
My mother hid her emotions every day.
Now, instead of the gratification she'd received from her work, she picked up my father from the front lawn after he'd passed out, or helped him as he stumbled out of his truck, or undressed him and put him to bed, and sometimes wiped his ass when he'd made a mess of himself.
She drove to the store to get his bottles of whiskey so he wouldn’t drive drunk to get them.
Mom could've hidden his keys but that would have meant taking his verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
Perhaps she considered disabling his truck in some way, but that would have meant he couldn't get to work and his livelihood might be threatened.
Maybe this one of her silent gifts, making sure our college education was secure.
Like a doctor prescribing painkillers, she doled out his shots and managed his life.
Sometimes late at night, Dad's friends called my mom to get him from the bar because he couldn't drive. Jenise and I would ride with her, often around midnight, shrinking in the back seat under our blanket, trying to stay invisible.
"Going out?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, doing some charity work," I said. "One of the guys on the Goliaths is coming to pick me up. Jenise leave already?"
"She had something she needed to check on at school. One of the Goliaths players is taking you? Isn't that a little unusual?" She asked with raised eyebrows.
I think it is, but I don't know what to do with it yet.
"No, it's just that I was the person who submitted the cheer team plan. We started talking and because his dad was in the military, we hit it off." I took a breath. "He's easy to talk with."
"Uh-huh," she said. "Is he single?"
"Is he single? That's a weird question. Why?"
"Just curious," she said.
"Yes, he's single," I said.
"How old is he?"
"Almost twenty-five," I said.
"And you know this because . . ."
"Because I follow the team, mom. When I look at the press guide it has their birthdays. He's trying to help us with our college applications, that's all. A twenty-five-year-old man isn't interested in seventeen-year-old-girls."
"No?" she probed.
"No, that's disgusting." But not "yuck" like my first response when I talked with Tara.
"Don't you think you have enough to do?" she asked.
Like my father, I self-medicated, but instead of using alcohol, I stuffed my schedule with as many activities as I could to avoid my home life. My medication was to stay busy and away from anything too emotional. By not letting anyone in, I could stay numb and protected.
More hurt? I wasn't about to take any chances. I'd cried enough growing up and my invisible suitcase was heavy and full of anxiety.
"I've got plenty of time in my schedule, Mom. Anyway, it's summer."
1. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU OR YOUR SIBLINGS DID TO AVOID THE "PROBLEM" IN YOUR HOUSE?
2. WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE ADDICTED PERSON?
3. WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? PARENTS? RELATIVES?
Please join the conversation at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com and sign up for my newsletter. I promise to keep it intimate, real, and moving.
Re-releasing Shadow Heart, and Book 2, Fire Heart
Re-releasing a book, my baby, and the reasons why
Re-releasing a book, my baby, and the reasons why
WHY GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE TO REWORK A BOOK, AFTER PAYING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO EDITORS, PROMOTION SITES, FORMATTERS, DESIGNERS, AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS IN THE BUSINESS?
BECAUSE READERS ASKED FOR IT.
WILL I EVER RE-RELEASE ANOTHER BOOK IF FEEDBACK TELLS ME I SHOULD CONSIDER IT? YES, BUT THIS BOOK, SHADOW HEART, IS DONE, FINISHED, AND THAT’S IT.
First I want to say thank you to all the readers, both with positive and negative comments, who gave me constructive feedback. To have a reader actually take time out of their life to read my book is a privilege and I sincerely mean it when I say I’m grateful.
Second, when I initially wrote the series (it’s twelve novels long) I wanted to end the first in a different place than where it ended. I listened to a New York City editor, a good one, but never-the-less I should have listened to my gut about my own story’s break. She suggested I leave a dramatic cliff hanger at the end of book 1 so interest would be strong in book 2, Fire Heart.
Sounds good, right?
Holy crap, the anger that came back because I’d done that without warning about it — I heard the feedback, corrected it, ended differently (where I wanted to originally) BUT!!! I will have severe cliff hangers in all books going forward. After all, that’s how it is growing up in a family battling alcoholism. We never knew what we were going to get, and neither should readers of this series.
Third, type-o’s. Well, I think I’ve caught them all, but if not, I can live with it and so should you. It’s part of self-publishing these days, and as long as there aren’t a barrel full, it’s pretty normal. Even so, I’ve worked with 5 editors trying to catch everything. And that’s the fourth point.
Every editor has their own style, opinions, strengths and weaknesses. They each see and catch different things. So being a movie in this (not so much anymore, but I was new, after all), I know that now and will stick with one line editor and one story editor. I get that now.
Well, I think that about wraps up my reasons. Now going forward, my story is set, I’m good with my endings, and happy with the way the story progresses, even though some have told me the writing is a little “different” which some have said means poetic, others juvenile, and still others have said as if written by a teenage girl.
Yes, indeed it is written by a woman coming of age, at least from her point of view. And I want the writing to reflect all her innocence, her discovery, her anger, and discovery of being intimate and sensual. And by the way, after the first three novels, this story will definitely take a very intimate turn. Will it be with Jerry or Ryan or even another young man? Who knows.
As I sign off and begin posting once again with my thoughts and input from growing up and living every day with mental abuse, fear, abandonment, and dysfunction, the things I’ve included in the story are how it was for me. If it’s sluggish, or slow, I’m sorry you couldn’t get into it. I hope the pace is fast enough to show you and keep you involved in what having an alcoholic parent does as you form relationships of all sorts–friends, lovers, family–they’re all affected.
We form our own obsessions and addictions as children of trauma. What are they? I hope you’ll read on.
Thanks readers!
I will also begin my newsletters now, and share with you many of the cut chapters and character backgrounds that are not longer a part of the books. And for the first twenty that sign up? I will be sure and send you free ebook versions for the entire series if you’ll be part of my street team and give me your honest feedback, and … if you like it … help me spread the word.
Rock on mustangs!
Next question - - - should I have another contest?
Re-releasing a book, my baby, and the reasons why
WHY GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE TO REWORK A BOOK, AFTER PAYING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO EDITORS, PROMOTION SITES, FORMATTERS, DESIGNERS, AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS IN THE BUSINESS?
BECAUSE READERS ASKED FOR IT.
WILL I EVER RE-RELEASE ANOTHER BOOK IF FEEDBACK TELLS ME I SHOULD CONSIDER IT? YES, BUT THIS BOOK, SHADOW HEART, IS DONE, FINISHED, AND THAT’S IT.
First I want to say thank you to all the readers, both with positive and negative comments, who gave me constructive feedback. To have a reader actually take time out of their life to read my book is a privilege and I sincerely mean it when I say I’m grateful.
Second, when I initially wrote the series (it’s twelve novels long) I wanted to end the first in a different place than where it ended. I listened to a New York City editor, a good one, but never-the-less I should have listened to my gut about my own story’s break. She suggested I leave a dramatic cliff hanger at the end of book 1 so interest would be strong in book 2, Fire Heart.
Sounds good, right?
Holy crap, the anger that came back because I’d done that without warning about it — I heard the feedback, corrected it, ended differently (where I wanted to originally) BUT!!! I will have severe cliff hangers in all books going forward. After all, that’s how it is growing up in a family battling alcoholism. We never knew what we were going to get, and neither should readers of this series.
Third, type-o’s. Well, I think I’ve caught them all, but if not, I can live with it and so should you. It’s part of self-publishing these days, and as long as there aren’t a barrel full, it’s pretty normal. Even so, I’ve worked with 5 editors trying to catch everything. And that’s the fourth point.
Every editor has their own style, opinions, strengths and weaknesses. They each see and catch different things. So being a movie in this (not so much anymore, but I was new, after all), I know that now and will stick with one line editor and one story editor. I get that now.
Well, I think that about wraps up my reasons. Now going forward, my story is set, I’m good with my endings, and happy with the way the story progresses, even though some have told me the writing is a little “different” which some have said means poetic, others juvenile, and still others have said as if written by a teenage girl.
Yes, indeed it is written by a woman coming of age, at least from her point of view. And I want the writing to reflect all her innocence, her discovery, her anger, and discovery of being intimate and sensual. And by the way, after the first three novels, this story will definitely take a very intimate turn. Will it be with Jerry or Ryan or even another young man? Who knows.
As I sign off and begin posting once again with my thoughts and input from growing up and living every day with mental abuse, fear, abandonment, and dysfunction, the things I’ve included in the story are how it was for me. If it’s sluggish, or slow, I’m sorry you couldn’t get into it. I hope the pace is fast enough to show you and keep you involved in what having an alcoholic parent does as you form relationships of all sorts–friends, lovers, family–they’re all affected.
We form our own obsessions and addictions as children of trauma. What are they? I hope you’ll read on.
Thanks readers!
I will also begin my newsletters now, and share with you many of the cut chapters and character backgrounds that are not longer a part of the books. And for the first twenty that sign up? I will be sure and send you free ebook versions for the entire series if you’ll be part of my street team and give me your honest feedback, and … if you like it … help me spread the word.
Rock on mustangs!
Next question - - - should I have another contest?
Shadow Heart e book giveaway on Amazon
After a thoughtful debate, I took my readers' suggestions and redesigned, edited, Shadow Heart.
I'm re-releasing, currently available on Kindle or paperback on Amazon, with a KDP giveaway 10/4-10/5.
Thanks to all my readers who voiced strong opinions.
I'm listening.
I'm re-releasing, currently available on Kindle or paperback on Amazon, with a KDP giveaway 10/4-10/5.
Thanks to all my readers who voiced strong opinions.
I'm listening.
Women in Transition
What do we do when we face transition?
Transition. It's a word that can strike fear in all ages, and both sexes. When we're young, it can mean facing the decision of an adult. When in our early 20's, it can mean embracing a more mature life and making serious career or relationship choices.
Women of transition -- what does this mean? It begins at 35 or so, when that first lip line or wrinkle or sag in the eyelid becomes noticeable. But beyond the physical stuff, it also means the glow of youth is over, and it's time to bring that glow into our hearts and celebrate who we are, where we're going, and crash through our walls and fears once and for all.
For Nicky Young, a woman coming of age after being raised in a family battling alcoholism, in Shadow Heart, a Contemporary Romance Noel, she already feels like she is 35 going on 50 from all of the abandonment and broken promises she's experienced.
She has trouble grabbing and celebrating her youth, and instead has spent her young years trying to survive and get out of her house, always walking carefully and in soft slippers in her house, focusing completely on pursuing her education. But now a boy has caught her eye who seems to hint at a possible life that could be, if only she'd take a risk.
But risk taking is the ultimate fear.
Taking a risk means stepping out of the shadows of comfort.
Jumping off her cliff, the one she's been holding onto for years, the one we can all get trapped on, means giving up control, and that's the one thing she doesn't want to lose.
No longer can Nicky watch her father's rage, waiting to take them all with its broad stroke of hurt.
No longer can Nicky stand to see her mother withdraw into codependency.
She clings to her childhood friends, the ones she's known, the ones who are safe.
And even as she clings to the past, her future is ripping her hands off the safety of comfort and familiarity, pulling her into a transition. If only she'd embrace it, risk it, take a chance…even if she falls…she might find everything could change.
What can you change by taking a chance?
What does transition mean for you?
Won't you join the conversation? Shadow Heart, a love story, has been re-edited and retold, and is going to be given away free on Amazong 10/4 and 10/5. Fire Heart, Book 2 in the series is out, continuing the story of the slow reveal of intimacy when growing up facing a family battling addiction.
It changes you.
It freezes you.
It makes you afraid.
It forces you to transition.
If you can be vulnerable,
If you can trust,
You can find intimacy.
It's only then, by trusting yourself, your heart opens.
AND THAT, IS A TRANSITION FROM WHICH YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.
Please sign up for our newsletter for freebies and new releases at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com or my Facebook page: Shadow Heart, A Love Story about Being Vulnerable.
Transition. It's a word that can strike fear in all ages, and both sexes. When we're young, it can mean facing the decision of an adult. When in our early 20's, it can mean embracing a more mature life and making serious career or relationship choices.
Women of transition -- what does this mean? It begins at 35 or so, when that first lip line or wrinkle or sag in the eyelid becomes noticeable. But beyond the physical stuff, it also means the glow of youth is over, and it's time to bring that glow into our hearts and celebrate who we are, where we're going, and crash through our walls and fears once and for all.
For Nicky Young, a woman coming of age after being raised in a family battling alcoholism, in Shadow Heart, a Contemporary Romance Noel, she already feels like she is 35 going on 50 from all of the abandonment and broken promises she's experienced.
She has trouble grabbing and celebrating her youth, and instead has spent her young years trying to survive and get out of her house, always walking carefully and in soft slippers in her house, focusing completely on pursuing her education. But now a boy has caught her eye who seems to hint at a possible life that could be, if only she'd take a risk.
But risk taking is the ultimate fear.
Taking a risk means stepping out of the shadows of comfort.
Jumping off her cliff, the one she's been holding onto for years, the one we can all get trapped on, means giving up control, and that's the one thing she doesn't want to lose.
No longer can Nicky watch her father's rage, waiting to take them all with its broad stroke of hurt.
No longer can Nicky stand to see her mother withdraw into codependency.
She clings to her childhood friends, the ones she's known, the ones who are safe.
And even as she clings to the past, her future is ripping her hands off the safety of comfort and familiarity, pulling her into a transition. If only she'd embrace it, risk it, take a chance…even if she falls…she might find everything could change.
What can you change by taking a chance?
What does transition mean for you?
Won't you join the conversation? Shadow Heart, a love story, has been re-edited and retold, and is going to be given away free on Amazong 10/4 and 10/5. Fire Heart, Book 2 in the series is out, continuing the story of the slow reveal of intimacy when growing up facing a family battling addiction.
It changes you.
It freezes you.
It makes you afraid.
It forces you to transition.
If you can be vulnerable,
If you can trust,
You can find intimacy.
It's only then, by trusting yourself, your heart opens.
AND THAT, IS A TRANSITION FROM WHICH YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.
Please sign up for our newsletter for freebies and new releases at www.PamelaTaeuffer.com or my Facebook page: Shadow Heart, A Love Story about Being Vulnerable.
RISK-WE TAKE THEM EVERYDAY
Shadow Heart
Rethinking Risk - Don't we do it every day?
I've been thinking a lot about risk lately. Just the word used to cause a shudder in my body from head to toe. Risk. I knew I needed to take it when growing up in my family if I was going to change anything. You see my father was an alcoholic. All the dysfunction you might imagine came with it. Rage, violence--verbal and physical intimidation--the codependent mother trying to keep the peace, and my sister and I, left to carve out our own niche. But you know what else? I was given twisted gifts, too. Strength, compassion, forgiveness and understanding of weakness and what it can do.
The Risks we Take
Most adult children of alcoholics or addicted parents know what I mean. We fend for ourselves. If we look all right then we are. We're content to stay quiet even though we'd love to shout and yell for joy. We're content to stand back, stay invisible, so we don't bring unwanted attention to ourselves.
And what did that change?
What did it change for you when you made those decisions to stay the same?
I'll tell you what it did for me. It wasn't a worthless exercise. It gave me time to pause and gather my strength, analyze situations and people quicker than my peers. I was a friend who opened her doors to anyone who needed help. I knew what it was like to crave an escape. My girlfriend who was hit too hard by her husband of only one year? She and her nine month old daughter lived with me for three months. Friends from work could count on a revolving door.
What kind of risk was this for me? A BIG ONE! I was deathly afraid of making friends and letting others get too close. I forced myself to lose any expectations I put on myself and just listened.
It was one step to shed the chains of my family's generational dysfunction.
When it comes down to it, don't we take risks every day? Just walking out the door takes a certain amount of faith and trust, right? Working for someone else . . . we risk that we'll be paid for the job we do. We risk sharing a private moment we won't be rejected. We risk posting a thought. We risk writing a story, a poem, a novel. We risk that when we play an instrument we won't be made fun of, or a drawing, sculpture or painting will be appreciated for the expression and intimate reveal we've put forth.
We risk everyday.
I think we're too hard on ourselves. Loving and trusting ourself just or who we are . . . it took me a lot of years, but I did it.
A love story that tells of letting go of fear, trusting enough to be vulnerable and transition to joy
A love story that tells of letting go of fear, trusting enough to be vulnerable and transition to joy
And that's what my Broken Bottles Series is about. The effects of a childhood growing up in family dysfunction are revealed slowly. I wasn't even sure what they all were and Nicky Young, our heroine, won't know right away, either. You may see yourself in here, you may see family or friends, you may understand them a little more deeply. Have patience. Risk takes time.
Free 4/20-4/23 on Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Heart-Le...
EMail: PamelaTaeuffer@gmail.com
Twitter: @PamelaTaeuffer
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Shadow-Heart...
Pinterest: PamelaTaeuffer/broken-bottles
Rethinking Risk - Don't we do it every day?
I've been thinking a lot about risk lately. Just the word used to cause a shudder in my body from head to toe. Risk. I knew I needed to take it when growing up in my family if I was going to change anything. You see my father was an alcoholic. All the dysfunction you might imagine came with it. Rage, violence--verbal and physical intimidation--the codependent mother trying to keep the peace, and my sister and I, left to carve out our own niche. But you know what else? I was given twisted gifts, too. Strength, compassion, forgiveness and understanding of weakness and what it can do.
The Risks we Take
Most adult children of alcoholics or addicted parents know what I mean. We fend for ourselves. If we look all right then we are. We're content to stay quiet even though we'd love to shout and yell for joy. We're content to stand back, stay invisible, so we don't bring unwanted attention to ourselves.
And what did that change?
What did it change for you when you made those decisions to stay the same?
I'll tell you what it did for me. It wasn't a worthless exercise. It gave me time to pause and gather my strength, analyze situations and people quicker than my peers. I was a friend who opened her doors to anyone who needed help. I knew what it was like to crave an escape. My girlfriend who was hit too hard by her husband of only one year? She and her nine month old daughter lived with me for three months. Friends from work could count on a revolving door.
What kind of risk was this for me? A BIG ONE! I was deathly afraid of making friends and letting others get too close. I forced myself to lose any expectations I put on myself and just listened.
It was one step to shed the chains of my family's generational dysfunction.
When it comes down to it, don't we take risks every day? Just walking out the door takes a certain amount of faith and trust, right? Working for someone else . . . we risk that we'll be paid for the job we do. We risk sharing a private moment we won't be rejected. We risk posting a thought. We risk writing a story, a poem, a novel. We risk that when we play an instrument we won't be made fun of, or a drawing, sculpture or painting will be appreciated for the expression and intimate reveal we've put forth.
We risk everyday.
I think we're too hard on ourselves. Loving and trusting ourself just or who we are . . . it took me a lot of years, but I did it.
A love story that tells of letting go of fear, trusting enough to be vulnerable and transition to joy
A love story that tells of letting go of fear, trusting enough to be vulnerable and transition to joy
And that's what my Broken Bottles Series is about. The effects of a childhood growing up in family dysfunction are revealed slowly. I wasn't even sure what they all were and Nicky Young, our heroine, won't know right away, either. You may see yourself in here, you may see family or friends, you may understand them a little more deeply. Have patience. Risk takes time.
Free 4/20-4/23 on Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Heart-Le...
EMail: PamelaTaeuffer@gmail.com
Twitter: @PamelaTaeuffer
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Shadow-Heart...
Pinterest: PamelaTaeuffer/broken-bottles
