C.E. Dorsett's Blog, page 8

P:S 556- Fandom, good God, what is it good for?

No more click bait.  These are my confessions as a blogger and podcaster who burned out because I focused on traffic and not content, and what I intend to do about it.

Why I need a new working way to go and know

Imagine my surprise when I loaded my Thinkup and saw this insight.

“@cedorsett said the word “need” more than any other on Twitter last month, followed by “new,” “working,” “Going,” and “know.””

— My ThinkUp

If you follow my Twitter, you might not be surprised, but I was.

A lot has changed over the last year, and I am really not comfortable with the state of my life right now.  We bought a restaurant, and I thought that things wouldn't change all that much since Brian had been running it for several years.  Everything changed.

Not just in Brian's life, but in mine.  I am probably thinking about this a bit more than I should since today is our 18th Anniversary, and we spent most of the day dealing with the restaurant.  I am not bitter about, but it does show how much things have changed.

Days off have disappeared, and we spend most if not all of our time working on that business.  That is part of the price for owning a business, but part of it is a result of the breakdown of our culture.

I am not saying what you might think I am.

I am a writer deep down in my soul, and I believe that artists of every kind are the trustees of culture.  We present our images and words to the culture and the culture in turn reinterprets them and incorporates them.  Our images and words are important, and they have an effect on the state of the culture.

So, I find myself thinking a lot about where my work, as small of an impact as it may have, is either contributing to the problem or the solution.

The problem is that I am not sure how exactly to perform this self-evaluation.  I hope I am doing well, but this is one of those situations where my intentions are only a tiny fraction, the rest is up to my readers.

My Readers are the Greatest People I Know!

I am not just saying that because they give me money, but because I have met many of them, and they are kind, compassionate, and bright people.  That say far more about them than it does about me.

I feel like my job needs to be not only to write more, but to make space for them to meet each other so we can do so much more together.

need, new, working, going, know

When I saw that collection of words, it did something to me.  I would like to say that it focused me, but in reality, it made me wonder what it has to say about me.

I need- I need to confront the issues in my life the way I always have, through stories and images so I can dig into the deep issues before me.

New- I need something new.  I have become obsessed with new, and while I know that there are no new stories under the sun to tell, new is about excitement.  That is why I am so thrilled with the stories I am working on.  They are exciting to me, and I hope they will be exciting to you.

Working- Like many, if not most, of you, I am working all the time.  My mind never stops racing, except during meditation.  I have started reading more comics, and find places to recharge.

Going- I feel like I am going no where, but I am really am.  We all are.  The trick is learning to see it.

Know- I know who I am, and I know what I like and what I want to see in the world.  I have to make it a priority to bring them into reality.

Do those words resonate with you?  If not, what are your words?  Let's start a conversation and make change starting today.

A Look forward to 2015: There and Never Going Back

2014 was a crazy year, and I mean that literally.  I spent most of the last quarter in deep depression, and I am glad to say that I am doing a lot better now.

I started out the year working on a Zine, technically a micropub magazine (dashPunk).  I wish things would have gone that way.  I was really excited about the project, even though I knew it would have been a lot of work. 

On January 29, I brought Project: Shadow back and started working on changing the nature of my work.  I wish I would have stuck with it, but more about that in a minute.

I didn't go ahead with the Zine because I felt like it wasn't a good fit for what I was trying to do.  It cost so much to do something that should be a lot easier, and I wasn't willing to charge people enough money to make it profitable.  I didn't want to loose money on the project, so I abandoned it.

I should have seen what was coming before I did.  On July 14, I noted in my journal that certain things were starting to freak me out.  On September 22, the depression hit.  It held on like nothing I have ever experienced before.  It smothered me in its embrace until December 16. 

I learned a lot while living under those shadows, important things.  I learned who my real friends are, and just how many people included me in their life as someone who could be useful to them.  My friends weathered the storm with me.  I am grateful to them.

As you know, I like to give names to important parts of my life.  I think I will remember this period as The Pruning.  I learned what was really important to me, and I cut away everything else.

On my Social Media life and Business

I want to start looking back by looking at the numbers starting with those from ThinkUp.

Number of PostsIn 2014, @cedorsett posted a total of 829 tweets. At 15 seconds per tweet, that amounts to 3 hours and 27 minutes. @cedorsett's followers probably appreciated it (ThinkUp).This year, I posted a grand total of 963 times on Facebook. If each status update and comment took about 15 seconds, that's over 4 hours dedicated to keeping in touch with friends (ThinkUp).

I feel like I haven't been social and open enough about what is going on and what I have been up to.  While it sounds like I spent a lot of time posting, that came in fits and spurts. 

My longest tweeting streak lasted for 26 days, from August 4th to August 29th (ThinkUp).I posted at least one status update or comment to Facebook for 57 days in a row, from January 1st to February 26th (ThinkUp).

Words per Month on Twitter

Words per Month on Facebook

As you can see from the graph, I started out the year strong, and had a increase around Shore Leave, but the general trend line was down.

Part of that was my disillusionment with social media, and part of that was the depression that crept up on me throughout the year.  I need to be more open, and I am looking for ways to share more and to be more helpful to you all.  If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them.

I entered a grand total of 10,071 words into the Twitter data entry box, reaching peak wordage in January, with 2,650 words. If @cedorsett were writing a book, that would be about 37 pages (ThinkUp).I tapped 17,031 words into Facebook's status update or comment box, topping out with 5,520 words in January. If Eric Dorsett were writing a book, that would be about 62 pages (ThinkUp).

Top Words I used on Twitter in 2014

Top Words I used on Facebook

The most interesting thing to me is that I talked more about writing on twitter and my books and books in general on Facebook.  I also talked more about movies on Twitter.

Moving forward

I need to go back to what I had originally intended to do.  I need to "think out loud" on the blogs and through my social posts.

On that front, I set up a Known site and I plan on making that my social hub, but I will repost from their to my other accounts.  I don't enjoy Facebook, and I really never have.  After 8 years on Twitter, I don't feel like I am getting out of it what I used to.  I am not leaving those services, but I feel like I need to build out a site has the social qualities I want it to have.  That is what I hope the Known site will become.

For now, I am the only one that can post there, anyone can comment and like.  Early on, I will invite others to post individually.  Hopefully, once it is up and running, I will open up the registration to everyone.  The reason is, when I first set up the site it was open, and it was flooded by spammers.  I locked it down, and am now looking for ways to fix that problem.

I want to get the podcast up and running again, but I need your help with that.  I need to know what you want to talk about, and how it can be of service to you.

This year will hopefully be a turning point in my life and my work.  I hope it is for you too.  I can't wait to see what we can do together.

Don't you know it's gonna be alright

A friend of my shared a story today about a Transgender Kid who left a suicide note on Tumblr asking for the world to change (read it here).

Stories like this trash my spirit. I only hope that we are moving forward in some ways...

What we need more than anything is a cultural revolution that reconnects us to compassion and hope and breaks the chains cynicism, nihilism, and isolationism have wrapped around our necks. Only when we learn to stand up will things change.

One moment, I need a musical break, sing a long if you know it, if not, it has the words.

For years, decades, centuries, people have tried to change the world, and as Joseph Campbell said:

“When we talk about settling the world’s problems, we’re barking up the wrong tree. The world is perfect. It’s a mess. It has always been a mess. We are not going to change it. Our job is to straighten out our own lives.”

Every time I quote that, my friends sigh, and tell me that I just don't get it.  We talk for a couple hours until we finally get back around the point.  We cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.

This is one of the most troubling aspects of modern social movements, our solution is always to pass a law, change a law, or enforce a law.  If history has taught us anything, we have to see that law is only a minor part of the change we need.

Yes, anti-discrimination laws are important, and so are hate crime laws.  They won't accomplish anything if we don't take wise action to change ourselves in such a way that it encourages others to take on the same change.

All of this starts with compassion.  Compassion is simply living by the gold and silver rules:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

— The Golden Rule

“Do not do unto other as you would not have them do unto you.”

— The Silver Rule

When we act according to these simple rules of compassion that every culture on earth has come to over time, we start building the world that we want to see.  We only have control over our actions.  We have to take responsibility for our own actions.

How can we expect others to treat us with respect if we will not grant them the same courtesy?  How can we expect society to celebrate difference if we demand conformity?  The path forward it to demonstrate through our lives, our jobs, our entertainment, and our businesses that diversity and compassion make us stronger.  If we do not demonstrate the basic interconnectedness of all people, places, and things, we have no hope that others will see it.

In every encounter, be kind, be compassionate, and celebrate the differences between people.  Only through living a life that makes others envious of our joy, hope, and prosperity will others start looking for ways they can have the same thing.

Become a beacon for compassion.  Live compassion in all your words, thoughts, and deeds, and you will be the change that we need.  When others ask you why your life is so different, tell them, but make they want to ask.

One by one, we will realize that we are all interconnected, and that our actions effect everyone and everything.  Eventually, this will change the world.

Planning for National Novel Writing Month with Wattpad and Penflip

It might sound like a strange question, but it is something I think about a lot. Alright, I think about it too much. Since I am a writer it does matter, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I might not be thinking it enough or in the right way. 

I look at tools like Wattpad and Penflip, and I start wondering how I should be telling stories. Part of me wants to start serializing my fiction, so I can get stories out quicker. 

I make analogies to TV.  The Wattpad release is like the show airing on TV or streaming, and the book is like the boxset.  The difference is that those studios make money off both the airing and the boxset.  It is hard to think about money, but I have to make a living.

So, I started a Patreon account.  I haven't given up on the idea, but the fact that my readers and listeners didn't move to support the project worried me, but I think it will take time and the right project to make it work.

The problem is, we are on the cusp of National Novel Writing Month, and I want to join in.  I love the challenge and the community, but I find myself wondering if I am just falling back into my old habits and working on a traditional novel.

I have an idea, and maybe it will work.  I am going to keep working on the outline for NaNoWriMo, and I will be the first to say that it is neither new or original, but I think this year, I will take part in NaNo, but unlike previous years, I will post each chapter as they are finished on Wattpad.  They will be raw and riddled with errors, but it would enable me to get some feedback quickly.

It would help get me into the habit.

I will post raw stories on Wattpad and run the beta group on Penflip.  I am excited about it.

Disney, do we get ABC's Star Wars Rebels: Spark of Rebellion extra scene too?

Hmm... so ABC is going to air Star Wars Rebels: Spark of Rebellion... with a new scene featuring the Inquisitor and Darth Vader...

I am of two minds on this one.  It is on my Husband's birthday, October 26th, so that is cool.  When I watched the movie, I wanted them to explore the Inquisitor more than the 2 seconds that they spent on the character.  The problem is, I, like many people bought the movie on iTunes because I am a cord cutter.

Disney? You are going to give me the extended cut right?  That is why I spent $7.99 for what turned out to be a 43 minute movie, right?

I have been on the fence about Disney's purchase of Star Wars, and I've kept telling myself, "They own Marvel, and they are doing a great job with that."  But this is starting to push me off the fence...  I hope this is not the first sign of them trying to nickle and dime fans to the point they no longer care about the new series.

Deep breath, hopefully, we will have answers soon.

Arrow Easter Eggs Hidden in a Boxing Ring

DC Comics asked an interesting Question: "Did you catch all those boxing match sponsors (DC Comics)?"  They go on to point out two things I found four.  How many do you see?

11:39 from the end of the episode

The first one is interesting, and they point it out themselves, "Ostrand brand a tribute to John Ostrander(DC Comics)," that is fun, but I think that there are some more interesting ones.

Reuther Rum

Reuther Rum is what Slade called "authentic Australian rum," in Arrow episode 215, The Promise.  This is a subtle reminder that Slade is planning an escape as he promised in the the season finale last year.

The next two excite me a lot more than they probably should.

Ferris Air

from Arrow

From The Flash

Ferris Air has been hidden in previous episodes of Arrow.  In season 1 episodes 22 and 23, Ferris Air is also used as an Easter egg.  If you don't know, Ferris Air is where Green Lantern Hal Jordon worked when he received his power ring.

I don't want to read too much into Ferris Air on these billboards, but...  I am such a huge Green Lantern fan, I want this to become a seed that will grow into a full series.  The last ad is the one that sent me over the edge.

Lightring Bourbon

Now, you are just toying with me.  Lightring?  Really?

I want a Green Lantern TV series so bad, specifically a Lantern Corp show.  I want all the space opera goodness in living color on my tv.  I doubt that is what this is leading to, but it fun to dream. 

Maybe, one day in the not too distant future, they will make a pilot, hopefully for the CW, and my dream will come true, but I realize it is a long shot at best.  Until then, I will keep an eye open for more Easter eggs.

The Difference between a Tailspin and Downward Spiral: A Personal Journey

I had a strange realization today.  I have been in a downward spiral since 1999...

The Year Trust Ended

In 1998, Brian and I went on pilgrimage.  We had a glorious trip, that filled me with so much hope for the future.  When we got back to Maryland, our house looked like it had been through a war.  There were holes in the walls and trash covered everything.

To make a long story short, my best friend and roommate stole my identity and my inheritance.  The family values judge didn't punish him because it would be a shame for his daughter to be deprived of a father. 

We moved to Emmitsburg.  Without a conviction, I was responsible for the debt he accrued in my name.  My faith in law and order was shattered.  Times got hard.

On numerous occasions, I came home to find dead animals on our doorstep.  I will never forget the tears I wept cleaning up their blood.  I would often come home to find our landlord in the house eating food out of our refrigerator.  I lost my sense of security.  Every time I heard a noise in the night, I was sure someone had come to kill me.

One day, the landlord kicked us out of the apartment for having a cat that he knew we had when we moved in.  We were broke, and over burdened with debt that wasn't ours and need a place to stay or we would be homeless.

We begged family for a place to stay, and reluctantly found a place with family that the we hoped would be place for us to get back on our feet.  We were wrong.  We were treated like failures, and they threw away half of my property.

At that point, I had lost everything but Brian.  I entered the one of the deepest depressions of my life.  Everyday was a struggle to get up and allow myself to live.  We knew we needed to start over.

Restarting Life

Brian got a transfer to California, and we packed what little we could into a car, a Ford Probe, and a car topper, and we headed west.  We had so much hope.

I loved California.  We moved there in 1999.  This was one of the happiest times of my life, and that happiness masked the damage I carried with me. 

It took me a long time start making friends.  I thought it was because of my age, or because I was new to area.  I know now that wasn't true.  I held the people I met at arms length, and never really let any of them know me.

This happy state could not last.  Events happened so fast.  Brian lost his job, the energy companies started gouging the state, and there was no work anywhere.  Then, Brian was in a car accident.  He was alright, but the car was totaled.  We felt we had no other choice but to move back east.  We rented the only moving van available and left the place that we loved.

I never dealt with any of wounds I collected in Maryland, and I added a new one.  I truly believed that everything I every loved would soon be taken away from me.  So in early 2004, we left California.

I couldn't stand up

My emotional wounds had taken a toll on my body.  When we stopped at my parents house, I was shocked how sick they were.  We decided to stop here.  I realize now that my desire to help them get back on their feet was a projection of my own need to get my own life back together.

I was shocked to learn that I had let myself go to the point it was almost impossible for me to stand up.  My back and my knees, which I damaged separately many years before, would not hold me up.  I had to build myself back up.

Seeing your own life as a myth

I had always told myself that the only thing that could ever make me move back to Poplar Bluff was to utterly fail at my life.  No wonder I felt I had to stop here.  I viewed myself as a failure, and in some ways I still do.

What I realized today was that I told myself I was over all that, but there is a difference between getting over something and letting go of it.

In everything I have done since the events of 1998, I never took time to deal with the wounds I collected.  Instead, I focused on overcoming the events.

I still have a hard time:

trusting myself.trusting my judgement.trusting others.believing I deserve good things.believing I have any talent.believing I am good for anything.

After all, I trusted someone I shouldn't have.  It was my friend that set us down this path.  It was my lack of judgement that lead me to trust someone, who everyone told me I shouldn't.  If I am such a back judge of character, how can I trust others? 

I have always hated myself, and so I convinced myself that I deserved all the bad things that ever happened to me.  I caused them and brought them on myself.  Since I believe myself to be such a horrible person, how could I possibly believe that I am capable of doing anything good or great?

I thought I had worked through these things... and that is the problem, I worked through them, I didn't conquer them.

A tailspin or a downward spiral?

The difference between a tailspin and a downward spiral is control.  In a tailspin, the engine has stalled and you are falling toward an inevitable crash.  In a downward spiral, I am just going down, I can choose to go back up.

When this all started, we were in a tailspin.  Events were out of our control.  The tailspin is over.  It isn't easy to see that while in free fall, but we got the engine started again in California.  We landed here in Missouri.

I did not rise up because I thought I had.  Standing up is not the same as rising up.

Today, I rise

Today, I forgive all those who hurt me over the years, especially myself.  I let go of the past.  These are not just words.  I cannot hurt myself any more on account of things that happened so long ago.

Join me.  Let go.  Rise up.  Stand up for yourself.  Be who you want to be, not who people think you are.  This is hard work, but together, we can make it.  If you are struggling to rise up, contact me on social.  We can do anything we put our minds to.  We have proven it over and over again.

Thank you all for your support over the years.  I could not have made it through without you.  Now, let's rise up to the sun and prove our wings are not made of wax.

Good Reads feels like a place to be alone, so I started a new group

I have been a member of Good Reads for a long time, and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. 

I cannot get into the groups.  I have tried, but the conversations are rarely interesting.  If you know a good group, please invite me.

I cannot get into the stream... The site feels disjointed.  I rate and review books I read, but it doesn't seem to be more than that. 

I want Good Reads to be a place I can go to talk about books.  Maybe I am using this site wrong.  I have looked through many tutorials, but none of them have helped me.

So, in hopes of making Good Reads work the way I want it to, I started a Project: Shadow Book Club.  I hope you join.  I will give this a year to take off, and I will post there even if I am just talking to myself.

I am reading Kaiju Rising, and made that the first book of the month.  It is a collection of short stories about giant monsters destroying cities, but it is so much more.  I have really been enjoying the book, and I look forward to discussing it with you.

I also set up a poll for to select the book of the month for October.  You can vote on the four books I added or suggest one of your own.

Lets get this book fandom doing what it should: discussion and sharing.

Game of Thrawn

As I, like many other fans, am trying to get excited about Star Wars VII, and it has not been easy.  Sunday, Brian and I were talking about what we wished they would have done, and I said, "I just want Star Wars: Game of Thrawn." 

I immediately pulled out my laptop and started making a movie poster.  I grabbed a photo of the Iron Throne and  Sketches276 by B321618, which is a kick ass picture of Grand Admiral Thrawn, and I made this-

What do you think?  I don't often take the time to do pictures like this.  Let me know if you want me to do things like this more often.