C.E. Dorsett's Blog, page 5

The Endless struggle between Money and Community Building

Exclusivity is the bane of the industry.

I've spent the last couple days wrestling with what to do on March 16th. What is so special about that day? that is the day the exclusivity period with Amazon for several of my books comes up. I have the choice to reenroll them for another 90 days or take them out of exclusivity. I lose a lot by not giving Amazon exclusive rights to my work. The two most important are:

My royalty rates dropThe books are pulled from Kindle Unlimited and the Kindle Owners Lending Library.

What's the upside? I can do whatever I want with my books. Things I feel like would be better for them and would help me build a community around my worlds.

Essentially, what it boils down to is that I make most of my money through Kindle Unlimited, but I don't have an opportunity to make a connection with my readers.

I would rather have a community...

In my heart, I know that is true, but it is hard to give up a known revenue stream on the hopes I can build a following on Patreon. It isn't that I doubt the power of the community. I love my fans, and they have gone out of their way over the years to show me they care. My problem is with me.

How does an introvert build community?

Every time I say that I am an introvert, people who know me from conventions call bullshit. I am. I live a very solitary life, and never know what to share on social media. It is hard enough for me to write this post.

Truth is: I feel most at home when I am writing.It is all the afterwards and in betweens that I struggle with. I like to think I am getting better about it, but I am still not sharing regularly. That is the first thing that I have to change.

I didn't write this to share some grand plan or to make an announcement. I really need some help here. What do you think I should do? If you have any ideas about how, I would love to hear them too.

Please don't talk about this right now

Anxiety is a demon living in the corner of our minds waiting for the right moment to jump out and devour us.  It is always hungry, always on the prowl.  Worst of all, it is patient.  The house creaks in the wind, it peeks its head up to see if this is the time to pounce.  The ring of the phone wakes you up.  It sees it's opportunity.  It strikes.

Its many tentacled arms wrap themselves around you in its familiar if not welcomed embrace. That is when you realize the horrible truth.  The beast cradling you in its empty arms is trying to swaddle you, not suffocate you.  It doesn't know its own strength.  It holds you like a mother protecting her baby from the attacker at the gate.  It squeezes the life out of you because it wants to save you.  You aren't the victim, the prey.  You are the beloved that will be destroyed rather than lost.

"I can't breathe," the words are weak, the air in your lungs so precious.  "You're hurting me."  Your words are barely a squeak.

The arms tighten.  The beast is afraid to loose you.  You are all it has.  Without you, it is nothing.  Its only purpose is to keep you safe.

A faint sound breaks the suffocating silence.

"The danger shall pass, sweet child.  This too shall pass.  Until it does, I have you.  I will not let you fall.  I will hold you here, close to my heart.  I will never let you go.  I will never let them have you."

Your bulging eyes search the darkness for the unseen threat.  Nothing.

The creature, once a monster, now your only companion in this murky shadow realm.  The breathless pain is safety.  The shortness of breath, the cold stabbing pains racking your body, they are signs of the beasts protection.  So long as the beast holds you, what can get through.  This isn't misery, it is security.

Cold sweat gathers like morning dew on your forehead,  Ice greets the tips of your fingers. Badges of the struggle.  The beast isn't yours to fight.  It is your only true friend.  In those crushing arms, the world is so, so far away.  Distance is safety.  Safety is all that matters.  Everything else which once seemed so important are but memories of a foolish childhood from a time when you didn't really understand the horror of the world.

Gasping, you sink deeper into the darkness.  The beast's sweet voice sings lullabies in your ears.  The pain is easy.  The aches, a close friend you could never imagine ever leaving. They remind you that you are alive.  If they wen't away, how would you know that?  How did you ever know before the beast cradled you so close to her cold heart?

A single pin prick of light shines in the ever present night sky.  A lone star so fragile and small.  Once you, set your ship to sail by that star.  It guided you through the turbulent waters. The memories are vague, like a past life remembered in this one quite out of place. Why risk the voyage? Everything is better in the loving straightjacket of the beast, but you can't take your eyes off the star.

Something out there calls to you.  Is it a siren song luring sailors to their doom? Why does it call so persistently? Why can't it just leave you alone? Why can't everything just leave you alone?

Breath catches in the back of your throat. You struggle to breathe. The beast has an arm wrapped tight around your neck. It is choking you. Life struggles within you to get away from the beast.  The more you struggle, the tighter the grip.  It is impossible to breathe,

In a single moment, time stretches out into an endless eternity beyond all your expectations. The harder you fight; the tighter the grip.  

Eyes lock on the distant star.

The pain creeps into every fiber of your being.

For some reason, you let go.

The beast roars in anger.

A single moment of clarity floods your mind.  None of this matters.  Everything the beast's stifling grasp holds you so far away from is nothing real. Illusory fears are empty, without substance.  The danger itself is a lie.

Why hadn't you seen it before? Why do you see it now?

Your eyes lock on the tiny point of light.

Let go. Clenched fists release.

The beast's tentacles quiver.  Its hold lightens.

"You need me!" The beast cries out.

"I know," your voice soft and trembling. "Don't leave me, but stand to my side. Alert me, but don't entrap me.  I cannot get through the waves without you, but I have to breathe."

The beast lets go, and curls up at your side.  Eyes on the star, you realize it is only one of millions.

Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. Life is hard. Anxiety is not the enemy. It is not a pet. It is a wild beast that walks by our side to alert of danger, but if we are not mindful, it can and will consume us whole.

World Building Online and the Writerly Text

What is a story?

For years I have studied and tried to wrap my head around what constitutes a story now, since the kinds of stories I read, watch, and listen to have changed a lot.  Blog novels, Twitter stories, Audiobooks, Webcomics, Podfiction...  I could go on listing things forever.

Over the years, as my taste in fiction has developed and changed, I find myself wondering what my fiction should look like.  I write short stories and novels.  They are available on the web and in ebook format, but is that really what I write?

It might sound like a strange question, but the truth is, the vast majority of my time is spent working on backstory and world building.  Isn't that story too?  It might sound simple, but I am one of those people who likes to overthink things, so let's dig into this.

Why do I enjoy Alt Shift X and CivilizationEx more than ASOIAF or GOT?

I have reached a strange place in my entertainment.  I find myself enjoying the videos of channels like Alt Shift X and CivilizationEx more than the primary Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire.  Why?

When you think about it, simple art like that on these channels shouldn't be able to compete with the millions of dollars spent on the HBO series, but they do.  Why?  Is is because they spend so much time on the minutia of the series?  Is it because they paint a more interesting world to me than either the books or the series, even though they are really derivative works?

I've started to wonder if it isn't just that stories get better with the retelling.  James Bonnet in his wonderful book, Stealing Fire from the Gods discusses a method for baking the qualities of a oral tradition into your world.  I wonder if there might not be a middle ground between his method and Roland Barthes theory of the readerly and writerly text.

Readerly Text

A readerly text, to simplify the idea, is a straight forward story that a reader can just pick up and follow the text without having to put effort into figuring out the story.  The story presents itself.  That is an overly simplification of the idea, but it is useful for this discussion.

The last step in Bonnet's method is to create a "sugar coat" so all the elements and metaphors are easy to digest by the reader and the work becomes a cohesive whole.  It would be possible to see this sugar coat as the production of a readerly text.

What if the novels, novellas, and short story collections are the readerly texts per se.  In other words, those texts were crafted in a way that they technically don't require anything other than themselves to follow the story, but the are also part of a larger writerly text.

Writerly Text

Again, this is another gross simplification, but a writerly text is work that requires the reader to produce the meaning of the text on their own.  While I am taking these terms out of Barthes original context, they are useful in understanding the nature of an online work.

What I enjoy so much about those youtube videos as opposed to the source material is that they are distilling a series (of books or shows) into their basic elements, translating them into an almost purely writerly text.  The video posits several possible meanings or simply focuses on a particular element in hopes of finding meaning.

The question is: if an author creates their own mystery texts as an exploration of the setting, stories, and characters as a way to better understand the world they are writing, how is that content presented in a way a reader can play with it in the same way?

Nothing new to see here...

I know I am far from the first person to build a website around a story or setting that I am working on.  My problem is that I can't find much if any public thought about the method and means of storytelling.

I like to have a method and guidelines to keep me on track.  I don't have them yet, but this is a step in that direction.  I will share more as I learn more.  As always music expresses the way I feel about this.  Enjoy:

If you have any thoughts on the subject, I would love to hear them.

Shouting in a Void: Loneliness and Writing

The last couple years haven't been easy.  After falling into the darkest depths of depression, I withdrew from everything,  By everything, I mean everything.  I stopped going out.  I stopped podcasting.  I stopped blogging. I stopped everything...

Things got better.  I got better.  I started blogging again.  I started podcasting again.  I started writing again, and that is where my problems started up again.

Writing is a lonely process.

That is my experience.  I started writing as a kid because I lived in the middle of no where.  All I had was my TV, my dog, and my imagination.  Creativity was a way for me to entertain myself.  I drew my own He-man and Transformers comics.  I wrote school plays based on my favorite books.  I even wrote poems for my elementary school graduation.  I loved to write.

After we moved to Maryland, I continued writing.  My storytelling flowed into AD&D, then into Vampire: The Masquerade.  I continued writing stories and wrote my first two novels. Through all that, my fiction was a private thing, just for me.  I may have shared one or two stories with a couple of friends, but I wrote for me, and didn't really share it with anyone.

Liquid Sky was really the first thing I ever wrote with readers in mind.  I wrote profiles of prospective readers, and tried to keep them in mind, but that didn't make the experience anymore isolating.  That isolation has always been a fundamental part of my process.

So, after the worse depression I have ever suffered.  I started reconnecting with friends, interests, and life itself.  I started podcasting again, which is something I love to do.  Then, I started working on a new book and universe...

I stopped using social media.  I stopped hanging out with my friends. I stopped podcasting...  I even stopped watching the series I love!

This has to change!

My life is a lonely one.  I live in a place I don't like.  The weather and allergies knock me out regularly.  I don't have a lot of friends around here because my cultures are not represented well in the area.  My husband works a lot, which leaves me home alone most of the time.  It might sound like I am complaining about that, but it is just how my life is.  My life is a lonely one right now.  I can't allow myself to fall back into my isolating habits I've built over the years.

When I was surrounded by friends and family, and regularly went to cons, time alone was a just a part of my life.  That isn't how I live right now.  Whether I am writing or not, I am alone most of the time.  Further isolation isn't healthy for me right now.

I have to change my relationship to words.

That is a lot easier said than done, especially when I'm not sure what that new relationship should be.  I have set many high minded goals in the past only to be thwarted by technology or time constraints.  Damn time.  I can't keep letting these weird things hold me back.

1. Stop holding everything in.

With everything going on in the world, I find it difficult to go on about the things that I love or that I am interested in.  That may be the stupidest thing holding me down.  Love and excitement are really the only cures for the hate, ennui, and cynicism of the world.  Staying silent is just giving in to the forces arrayed against us.  Besides, I have never really cared about what people thought about me or my opinions.  So, what is really holding me back?

I feel an obscene amount of pressure to produce content... to hell with that.  I need to just follow my own heart and do the things that make me happy.  Wow, that sentence almost hurt to type.  That is something I need to work on.

2. My world is my story.

While, yes, I need to be careful about sharing spoilers, I love world building.  Sharing that world building should be a big part of what I do.

3. If I didn't know something, others might not have known that either.

I have gotten this strange idea in my head that everyone probably already knows about the musicians, series, or trivia I find interesting.  Well, if I didn't know about it, there is a good chance that others didn't know about it either.  Besides, it never hurts to be reminded about awesome things.

4. Writing things out helps me things things through.

Posts like this might not interest anyone other than me, but they help me think things through. That is worth more than anything to me.  I just need to breathe and be myself.  It is hard to shut me up when I feel at home.  I just need to be that guy again.

What do you think I should do?  Have you ever had to reconnect with your life and loves?  I would love to talk about this in the comments.

Casting out the darkness

This weekend was a challenge.  The world has taken on such a dark and twisted aura since November.  I spent most of my time talking people out of their despair... There is too much despair right now.

There is NO time for Despair!

Despair is self-defeating.  It is a corrupting energy that erodes our strength. Sometimes it feels right, but it never is. Despair means you have already given up.

We have no reason to give up, and every reason to stand up.

Rise up!

Stand up.  Speak out.  Be counted as a person who will not allow this hatred and discrimination against others to be done in your name. Get active. Find a group or start one.  Write your representatives. Call them.  March.

This is our time to step up and be heard by the minority party who has taken control of our government. Don't ever believe the hype that they are the majority. 

Just dance!

Keep your spirits up.  Don't let all of this drag you down.  It has been bad before, but the voice of justice broke the chains.  All we can do is dance.  Sing if you have a song.  Empower yourself. Know you are not alone.

The drum beat of progress cannot be drown out by hate speech. Dance!  Celebrate life.  Celebrate the Spirit of America rising up against these divisive actions. A house divided cannot stand. Their hate shall fall.  

Keep joy in your hearts my sisters and brothers. We will be victorious in the end.

So, now what

Today, the forces of hate have won.  Bigotry, cruelty, and lies have won.  Red States have knelt before their dear leader, and the future of our country and the world are on the brink of chaos.

This is not the End

The moment I realized my country chose bigotry and hate.

No matter what happens now, the world will continue to spin with or without us.  We have to remember that.  The world doesn't stop moving just because the Red States voted for time to go backwards to a time when LGBT people had no personhood, Black People couldn't vote, Freedom of Religion didn't exist, and Immigrants were persecuted and suspected because of the nation of their birth, life will go on.  Those who felt left behind before will only fall further behind.

The instinct of so many in our country not to take responsibility for their own lives is breathtaking.  If you feel abandoned by the world, it is because you gave up on life.  Stop feeling like a victim and take responsibility for your own life. Remember the lesson your parents should have taught you, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Silence = Nonexistence

We are no longer at a crossroads.  No matter how we voted, we have chosen a path and we all have to walk it together.  Whatever comes, don't lose your voice. Don't lose the best of yourself, even when others around you have.

What we learned from the election this year is that white people are afraid of change. They benefited from the status quo of the 1950's, and dream of returning to a time lost forever.

This is not the time to feel fear, on either side. Now is the moment to show the world the power of compassion to erode the forces of hate and division.  

Don't be one of those people who lies to themselves and says, "Donald Trump is not my president."  He is.

Donald Trump is Our President

That means we have to hold his feet to the fire.  We have to organize and speak up. In many ways, nothing has changed. Regardless of who won the Presidency, we were going to have to work hard on our local, state, and federal representatives and senators to ensure a better world.  We may have to work harder, but we would have had to do this work either way.

Don't think for a minute that I am in denial or that I think any of this will be easy. It was never going to be easy, but now we know where the real problem is.  

Combatting Fear

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

— Frank Herbert, Dune

The election taught us that the biggest problem our country has is fear.  We have to stand up and against the fear, but we have to see a way to diffuse the fear in others.

The only way to fight fear is with compassion, and that is something the Red States have too little of. Not only in their hearts, but in their lives.  We have not treated them right.  That does not mean we accede to their demands, but we have to see their pain and alleviate it.

The Beating Heart of Fandom

Today is T-14 days until my 40th birthday, and the Reconnection Project has empowered me more than I ever thought it would. Today, I start the process of moving beyond me... Let the games begin.

Fandom is an action and a community.

The Last Air Bender from Shore Leave 32

When I say fandom is an action, it is a bunch of actions.

Reading and writing Fan fictionCreating, sharing, and discussing Fan theoriesListening to, writing, and singing FilkSharing, making, and viewing Fan ArtFan VidsFan filmsCosplayCostumingRoleplayingFan gamesetc...

Every fan has their own way of participating in fandom. I used to participate a lot more than I do now. And that changes today.

When I stopped everything in the depths of my depression, I stopped playing in the fandoms I love.  I cut myself off from the fan communities I used to not only participate in, but I cut myself off from the people I used to interact with.

Community and fanac (fan activities) go hand in hand, especially now in this age of the internet.

We are defined by our actions

I cannot say that enough to myself or to you.

Ideas in your head stay in your head and if you aren't careful, they will cage you in there.

Life is action. If you want to live a life of compassion, you have to engage in acts of compassion or you are not compassionate. The same is true with everything.

If you want to define yourself by what you love, you have to engage in loving actions.

In fandom, that means, we have to share what we love and promote it. Don't let yourself be passive. Passivity is silence, and silence is nonexistence.

Take your voice back! Take your life back! Share your love with the world. 

Some people might think this is a silly or trivial thing, but it isn't.

My love for Yoda says something about me. He represents wisdom, inner strength, and the ability to find humor in any situation. These are all qualities I admire and desire in myself. When I see my Yodas around the house, it works as a symbol which draws up all these connections in my unconscious mind and strengthens those qualities within me.

Some people might think that is taking all this too seriously, but that is how mythology works.  It is a subtile effect on us, but it effects us all the same. By choosing to surround myself with these images, seeking them out, and sharing them, I am participating in the mythos. Ever time I quote Yoda, I am participate in the mythos and strengthen those qualities in me. 

Don't think that these are some kind of solemn acts. Solemnity isn't required for actions to have effects on our selves. Sometimes they are moments of catharsis, and sometimes they are pure frivolity.  

Today's Task: 

Find at least one thing you love and participate in it.  Share a picture, a video, read some fanfic, watch a fanfilm, or at the very least watch or listen to something you love.

Let me know how you are participating in the things you love.

Let your light Shine

Today is T-15 to my 40th Birthday and I feel like wrapping up in a blanket and ignoring everything because my allergies struck back. A trivial problem, but when you are trying to build up momentum any stumbling block can knock you back down.

One of the biggest problems we face is when we are judged for what we feel is a problem in our lives that when compared to other problems in the world seem trivial. Our problems are ours, and we have to deal with them as they face us.

Now, don't misunderstand me.  I am not saying it is ok to whine about our state in life or wallow in your own misery.  In fact, we have to do the exact opposite.

Obstacles

Whether big or small, obstacles will always crop up. Their severity is all too often dictated by our mood when we stumble upon them.  If we are at a particularly low point even the smallest thing can throw us completely off our game.

What is your light?

Our light is a combination of things.

Light Empowers

Whatever empowers you is part of your light.  Whether it is music, dancing, drawing, writing, cooking, baking, knitting, it is important for you to know it and have it at hand when the time comes.

One of my biggest recharging stations is music.  I love to listen to it, and even more to sing along. I don't have a good singing voice, but I don't care.  I love it. As I write this, I feel lucky by Mary Chapin Carpenter came on.  I am not a big Country music fan, but I love that song.  I had to stop typing and just sing along. Here's the video if you want to join in.

Now that feels a lot better.  I don't exclusively listen to happy go lucky music.  Right now, Reptile by Creaming Jesus is on and I am singing along to it too.

Both songs work for me, but I have always been a Goth at heart.  Neither of these may work for you, and that's fine.  Find what works for you, and embrace it.  We have to take moments to refuel or we can't complain when we inevitably run out of gas.

Light from Within

Light also comes from within us. This isn't where I tell you that you have an ineffable light deep down inside you and you have to let it shine.  You do, we all do, but that isn't what I am talking about right now.

There are things you do that are uniquely you that can fight back the darkness when it comes for you.

It might be your sense of humor, or wit, or a quirk in your perspective that comes from a very honest and vulnerable place.  This light can be the hardest to find and harness, but it is key to fighting off the darkness.

For me, this is my imagination. Whether I let myself day dream for a minute, rework a old myth into a new story, or just wander through some old memories, I find strength in the words and images arising from my unconscious mind.  That is why the first thing that I struggle with in dark times is my ability to imagine.

When you find that unique thing inside you, learn how to harness it to make yourself stronger.

Today's Task

Find one thing that refuels you and makes you feel alive and do it for no less than 15 minutes.

I am going to give a private concert to my dog and cat, and to his chagrin my husband who is working out of the house today.  What are you going to do?

There's not enough Love and Understanding

It is now T-16 to my 40th Birthday, and it happens to be Brian's Birthday today.  As I write this, he is playing Civ VI, his present with the biggest smile on his face.  It is hard to express how much I love him.

Love is such a strange thing.  I never thought this would be a part of my life, yet still here it is.  Our story is as strange and bizarre as it would have to be to get people like us together.  My life has taught me the most important thing anyone could ever know about love:

Love sneaks up on you

By that, I mean every kind of love. Romantic, friendly, familial, or just simple compassion, it just sneaks up on you. It doesn't come when you seek it out.  It seems to hide when you look for it, but when you least suspect it, there it is.  I was in a relationship when I met Brian.  I wasn't looking for anything else, but it happen anyway.

Friends from Shore Leave.

Romantic love isn't the only kind of love that sneaks up on you. Friends do as well. I never expected to make so many friends from New York, especially since I haven't been to the state since 1996, but now I have a circle of friends there that are as supportive, if not more, than any of the friends I have in the town where I live. How did that happen? 

Honestly Honesty

After an event I am not going to go into a lot of detail about took place in 1998-99, many people I thought were friends stole every THING that I had including my sense of self and how the world works. After that, I decided just be bluntly and blatantly who and what I am.

While I wouldn't recommend for everyone to be as open about their lives as I am, I will say that you have to be yourself.  

Stop caring about what others think about you

I am just me, and you should be you. If you spend any amount of time worrying about what other people think about you, that is just a waste of time.

The one thing most lacking in this world is honesty or integrity or however you want to name it.  Society will always pressure individuals to play a role, because it is a machine like everything else.  It packages, names, and grinds people down until they fit into the role it needs them to fill.

What is important to remember is that Society is made up of many subcultures, and those subcultures empower Society to behave the way it does.  If you are in a subculture that doesn't want you, find another that does.

I left the mainstream or popular subculture years ago because I am not the Cisgendered, Heteronormalized, Centrist demanded my the currant cadre of subcultures that make up the present coalition we call Pop Culture.  

I am not Cisgendered, so I identify as genderqueer, or more specifically as androgynous.  I planted a flag there, and made a home in a community that accepted me as I am.

I could never live a Heteronormalized life, so I found myself in the feminist and LGBT communities.

I am not a centrist, so I called myself out as a liberal.

So what subculture do I live in? Fandom. I love a subculture that defines itself by what it loves rather than what it hates (which is how fandom should be defined, even though sometimes people push the edges of that definition).

To me, that is the secret of life and how everyone should act.  When you focus on the things you love, you attract a loving community around you.  This is a how you attract love in every form.

Brian and I connected through fan activities, and we have now been together for almost 20 years.  All of the friends I have, I met through our mutual fandoms.  Love gives meaning to life.  Love gives us strength.  Love is all that matters.

Task for Today

Share something you love with a partner, friend, or a stranger.  Connect with those closest to you over your mutual love for something: music, shows, movies, games, etc.

Let me know what your results are.

Take back your life one thing at a time

It is T-17 days until I turn 40, and I am surprised at how that base 10 number is affecting me.  It is not that I feel old, it is more that I am looking back on my life to this point and wondering what (if anything) I have done with it.

This is a self portrait I made May 13, 2014, I think you can see how I felt.

I would never say that I have wasted my life, but the last several years have been empty and devoid of meaning and purpose.  I lost myself.  This isn't a midlife crisis or anything of the sort. A couple years ago I fell into the deepest depression I have ever experienced.  Through it, I disconnected from everything and everyone I ever loved.  I lost almost all of my friends, and I don't blame them. I was not a good person to be around.

Nothing made me laugh. Everything made me cry.  I couldn't feel anything at all.  I didn't/couldn't care about any aspect of my or anyone else's life.  It is hard for me to explain to someone who hasn't gone there what a black hole my life was.  I hope no one reading this has ever been in a place like that.  It was a vacuous pain no one ever needs to feel.

Since I came back, it has been really hard for me to reconnect to my life. Everything seems distant. Those connections didn't magically reform, and I don't expect them to.  I have to do the work, and that is what this series is about.

11 Years ago was my first Book Launch Party...

My Book Launch Party at the Wine Rack/Java Stop for Liquid Sky.

My first and only Book Launch Party was 11 years ago today...  When I think about it, it was my only book launch party.  Liquid Sky, my first novel had just come out.  You can see how happy I am in the picture.

If the depression I just talked about was the lowest I have ever felt, this was probably the best.  After years of writing, the fourth book I had written was right there in print for anyone to read.  Even now, when I think about it, I can't help but smile.

I don't know why I didn't celebrate the release of any of my other books. In fact, I hadn't realized that I hadn't until I started writing this.  That is something that has to change.

8 years after this, we bought the Wine Rack... Everything should have been great, but by January the next year I tweeted:

How can I relight the spark of wonder that use to glow so bright? Fill my life with all the things and people I love, and ignite the passion

— Charlie Dorsett (@cedorsett) January 7, 2014

By July, I had completely fallen off the cliff.  It's not like everything was all good before that.  All this had built up for years, and the collapse took years away from me.  

Stopping Everything Stops Everything

Leading up to this depression, I had stopped podcasting, because I didn't enjoy doing it by myself.  I stopped blogging because I couldn't see the point of it.  I stopped writing because the stories weren't perfect.  I stopped going out because it felt pointless.  I stopped everything then everything stopped.

I am not saying my depression was my fault.  Depression isn't something that can be blamed on its victim.  What I am saying is that the problems mounted one on another until I was buried so deep I couldn't breathe.  I didn't see it coming. I couldn't see it from the inside.

Now that I am on the other side, putting my life back together has been more of a challenge than I want it to be.  Not like life cares.  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

Starting One thing at a time.

To get my life back, I realize that I am going to have to start up one thing at a time.

For me that means I have to start with my first love, writing.

I love to tell stories.  I don't care if they are books, short stories, podcasts, or prose poems.  I just love to tell stories.  Even in my darkest moments, I tried to write, but I allowed the perfect to be the enemy of the good.  I wrote nothing because the stories weren't the greatest thing ever.  How stupid is that?!

My stories are my stories.  They are my heart.  Whether or not anyone likes them other than me, they are my stories.  I don't have to care what anyone else thinks about them.  All that matters is that I like them.

That is where I have to start.  You might have a different starting point, and you probably will, but each and every one of us has something in our lives that gives us a sense of purpose or meaning. I have to write something, anything every day until that connection comes back strong in my life.

Every day, leading up to my 40th birthday, I am going to find one thing to celebrate or reconnect to.  I hope you join me on my journey.  I am taking my life back, and I urge you to do the same.

Please share your journey with me.  Let's walk this road together.