Deborah Gilboa's Blog, page 11

Navigating one of the hardest changes I’ve ever faced

Hi,

Every week I come to you with an idea or an observation about human behavior. I ask you to think deeply about your own actions or feelings or experiences and to share those thoughts with me. And every week, without fail, dozens of you answer with transparency and vulnerability.

So this week I come to you with my own.

I am a Jew, and for the first time in my adulthood I am truly afraid for the safety of Jews everywhere.

This week there has been a brutal assault on the civilians of Israel – on the babies and the grandparents and the teenagers and the adults. Citizens of every religion and many nationalities have been murdered – in their homes, on the streets, in cages and in cars – for just the possibility that they were Jewish. My son is one of 170,000 soldiers fighting to protect those civilians, and he’s now joined by the 360,000 reservists (aged 22-93) who’ve been called up or volunteered. 

There is hate in the world, that’s not new. There is hate for Jews in the world, that’s not new either. And the confusion people seem to feel about whether it’s ok to behave this way – I’ve experienced that before.

When I was 7 years old my parents and I moved to a town in Ohio. On my second day of third grade I waited in line to play foursquare when the game mysteriously stopped. Suddenly I was standing against the wall of the school  alone, surrounded by a half circle of kids throwing rocks at me and yelling “kike!” I didn’t know that word yet, but I knew you’re not supposed to throw rocks at each other. I looked over at the teachers and they were standing, and watching, whispering to each other but not intervening. Other kids playing stopped to watch until I ran, breaking through the circle and running behind the teachers. Who didn’t look at me or say a word.

But that was 1978. And I thought things were better. I’m afraid that they are actually getting worse.

Resilience is the ability to navigate change towards a positive goal.

My goal is to reach as many people as possible and ask them to tune in and think critically about what you see happening here. To ask questions and read more than one answer. Would you do that? And, if you’re willing, condemn the hate out loud so that the people around you might start asking good questions too.

And if you pray, please pray for true and sustaining peace.

All my best,

Dr. G

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Well, what did you expect?

Hi! Expect

“What did you expect?”

We use this phrase most often as a code for “you should have known this would happen.” But lately I’ve been looking at that question a little differently.

Expectations are powerful. Expectations don’t just set us up for failure or success, they also control the story we tell ourselves about how it turned out. When we set expectations around what we actually can control, we create resilience.

In my family, I often say, “We don’t go anywhere to have a bad time!” I set the expectation that, no matter what happens TO us, we can find a way to laugh or help someone or enjoy ourselves in some way. So when the restaurant runs out food just as we sit down or the tire goes flat 40 miles from anywhere or every kid but one pukes everywhere (all real life examples), we have the expectation that it won’t be all bad. And guess what? It works. 

Expectations are less about predicting an outcome and more about setting ourselves up for success no matter what the outcome.

Do you have any habits or sayings or practice setting yourself up for success in the face of change or challenge? Comment and tell me – I want to know!

All my best,

Dr. G

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How important IS that to you?

Hi! belief

This week was the premiere of Season 2 of The Resilience Think Tank. We started with a question I’ve been thinking about for my whole career:

How do you approach someone who denies the existence of a problem you are poised to solve?

I spend my time thinking about how we can navigate change more competently, but how are we supposed to navigate change with someone who denies the reality we see? I invited a medical doctor who specializes in pediatric infectious diseases and vaccine refusal, an expert in renewable energies combating climate change and a sports psychologist who is an expert in the impact of mental health on athletic performance. These people know a LOT about change denial.

Many incredible strategies came out of our time together. If you’re a subscriber to the Think Tank you’ll get a summary from me and a link to the Think Tank on Tuesday. But this bit of thought leadership is so good – and so useful – I couldn’t risk you missing out on it.

How you open someone to changing an idea they hold depends on the strength of their connection to the idea. Is it a preference? Is it a belief? Or is it integrated into their value system?

A preference is, for example, where you find “the best” coffee. And opening someone to changing that is as simple as offering them an alternative and asking for their feedback.

A belief is based in information or experiences they have. It can be changed with new information or a new experience. 

An idea that is core to identity and values is an idea that person not only holds, but wants to pass on to their children to hold as well. Or to anyone they mentor or teach. It is a part of what makes them recognizable to themselves. To change THAT a person requires a bridge. A bridge is a person (or experience) that they identify with and feel connected to, that is also connected to the new idea. 

It’s easy to see how – when someone believes something so deeply that they’ve connected their identity to that belief – opening to change is a frightening and risky proposition.

Can you think of an idea that you’ve questioned – in yourself or someone else – that felt risky to contemplate? Does this help you understand a disagreement you’re having with someone or a change you’re struggling to navigate?  Commet and tell me!

All my best,

Dr. G

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this might be where you’re slacking

Hi! slacking

Did you ever do some exercise hoping to get stronger? If so then you may have been sore the next morning. That soreness is the “getting stronger” part you were looking for, actually. When you exercise you break muscle fibers. It’s in the time after that, if you rest and drink some water, that they reknit together, stronger than they were.

The same thing happens to us with change. During the change you’re stuck with using whatever resilience and mental strength you have. After the change, if you allow yourself some rest and recovery, that’s when you get stronger. That’s when you build the ability to handle the next change without so much difficulty or soreness.

But you know what we’re bad at? Recovery. We spoke a few weeks ago about how recovery and vacation are not the same. I was amazed at the replies I got to that email, from people rethinking their PTO, to actually putting “recover” in their calendars after big events or obligations.

Recently, a wonderful woman I know reached the one year mark after her mom died. Did she let that anniversary sneak up on her with all its feelings and memories and wishes? She did not. She scheduled a week – a WEEK people! – for navigating those things. Her family planned an event to gather and share and support each other. They spent time in recovery. So no matter what change happens next in their family or their work (and there is a beautiful new baby to celebrate but good change is also hard), they’ll be stronger and more able to handle it.

So back to you. What’s a change on the horizon? What’s an anniversary that will bring you back to a change in your mind? And what can you do to get stronger through intentional recovery? Comment – I really want to know!

All my best, slacking

Dr. G

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You don’t know your impact

Hi! Impact

Every June I’m lucky enough to spend time in some of the most impactful, mission-driven and energetic spots in the world – summer camps. I have the privilege of being invited to staff trainings and each year I fit in a handful. I travel to some of the most beautiful, remote spots around North America and talk to the 60-500 mostly young adults who have committed to spending 10 or so weeks in that spot doing nothing but keeping track of kids a few years younger than them, teaching them skills, soothing their hurts and celebrating their successes. We spend a day or two together talking about resilience – what it is, how to grow it and how to bring it out in others. And at the end of my time with these amazing humans I remind them of something they know:

“You will change lives this summer. You will even save a life this summer. You just won’t know whose.”

And that, my friends, is true of all of us. You will change someone’s life this week. It might be

An employee who will work harder because you believe in themA co-worker who becomes more confident because you ask for assistanceA loved one who will raise their expectations of relationships because of the way you treat themA stranger who will change their outlook because of the kindness you show them

Probably, you won’t know how much good you do. In our point-earning society, that can be a real challenge. I find myself that I’m not inclined to take as many steps if I’m not carrying a device that will count them, that I think about posting a picture of an achievement before I’ve even achieved it. We want credit – and there are neurochemical reasons for that.

Doing the good is good for you, though. Creating a positive impact in the world makes us more resilient. It strengthens our purpose and helps us navigate change. And you have no idea the good you’re doing for others! Big studies show that we underestimate the positive impact we have through small acts, so let’s start being proud of the good we do. 

I’m paying attention. Comment and tell me something you did that you think might have had a positive impact on someone, even if you’ll never know for sure. I’m happy to give you credit because I know we are impacting others all the time, benefiting them and ourselves.

All my best,

Dr, G

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New school year, who ‘dis?

Hi! new school year

What’s changed recently?

Kind of everything, right? A couple of weeks ago I wrote to you about the season of change that is August and the responses were overwhelming. Everything from college move ins to first days of school and work to funerals to a new fee on a utility bill, we are all feeling the changes.

As kids we get into the cycle of change that is the end of summer and beginning of the school year. And for most of us, that echoes each Labor Day whether our household has a student in it or not. For me, I can sort of pretend we’re not in the thick of the school year early wakeups, lots more obligations, and a feeling of having a tiger (or in our house several tigers) by the tail until the Tuesday after Labor Day. Now we’ve got what seems like an endless stretch of late night homework, rushed dinners and competing schedules and priorities for my high school age kids.

It feels permanent. Like the hard things will always be hard, as if we won’t learn how to flex and shift obligations and schedules to make it all more manageable. As if this is my first year of navigating school aged kids instead of my nineteenth. Somehow, in the midst of change I manage to forget that there will, inevitably, be more change.

Have you felt that? As if the good is fleeting but the bad will somehow stay forever?

That’s because our brains are doing their best to keep us alive. And the bad change feels more risky and the discomfort is, well, uncomfortable, and our brains don’t like risk or discomfort. 

So we will always feel uncomfortable with changes we don’t love. And the bad stuff will also always change.

Not only that, we will always have choices about how we handle each change.

Is there a change that is making you feel stuck? Hit reply and tell me about it. Because we can change it together.

All my best,

Dr. G

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why recovery time isn’t vacation

Hi! recovery

Does “recovery time” sound like a luxury? Resting, relaxing, taking care of yourself – it all sounds a bit dreamlike, doesn’t it?

Except it is not.

As a doctor, I can tell you that recovering means you have something you need to recover from and that means you’re suffering. Healing often hurts, fatigue isn’t always solved by sleep, and the trajectory of getting better is usually not a gently upward curve.

As a patient this week – nothing major, I had a cataract removed from my right eye – I can tell you that recovery time is truly disappointing. It’s uncomfortable, it’s boring and, weirdly, it’s tiring in ways that don’t make much sense. 

And all this is why we NEED recovery time. We don’t only need to schedule recovery time after illness or injury, we need recovery time after any big change. Consider scheduling recovery time for:

Your team after a big project is dueYour family after a big vacation (even come back a bit sooner  than you have to)Anyone after a move, a deployment, a college dropoff, a new start or a big endingWhatever feels impactful for you

You don’t have to close your office or cancel everything on your calendar to have recovery time. You can schedule in breaks, block time, plan something supportive or low key and fun. 

And employers: please don’t confuse recovery time with vacation time. It’s not to get you better than you were before, it’s to get you better and towards how well you felt before this big change with all its cortisol and brain chemistry impacts.

What change do you have coming up in the next 6 months that would benefit from some planned recovery time? Comment and tell me!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Lead with curiosity, not command

Hi! curiosity

It’s easy to tell people what to do. It’s quick and to the point and feels great. Telling people what they should do or need to do has been my go-to reflex for decades!

Problems sure do arise, though. Like they don’t want to do it. And it’s insulting to be told what to do as if you’re a child. And even if it is your child it usually doesn’t work.  Also I’m often wrong about what they “should” do.

I’ve worked hard to ignore my instinct to just command people’s actions or behaviors – even the young people I’m raising, even my patients who arguably come to me specifically for this kind of advice. I bet you’re pretty clear about why this isn’t a great choice most of the time – even when you’re right about what would be the best solution.  

If you also have this instinct – to answer every problem or discomfort with a “suggestion” like “You should…” would you be willing to try something different?

Get curious out loud. Here’s what this looks like:

Your staff member is ranting about how frustrating a vendor is and (instead of telling them how to handle it) you ask, “What’s the reason for their friction do you think?”Your customer is yelling at your team member and you ask “Could you tell me just two sentences about the problem?”The assignments you left for your employees to do were done very poorly and not finished and you ask “What were the obstacles to completing this?”Your child comes down for a family event at a nice restaurant dressed in ripped jeans and uncombed hair and you ask “Can you tell me about how you want to look tonight?” Your teen reacts very badly to being reminded to take out the trash after dinner and you ask “What am I missing about your point of view?”

This can feel clunky but the neuroscience is clear – when we approach someone with curiosity we don’t escalate conflict – we actually improve outcomes and build relationships.

Will you try it?? Comment and tell me!

All my best,

Dr. G

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People Migration

Hi! people migration

Salmon migrate. They are programmed or have evolved (choose your world view) to travel thousands of miles through rivers and oceans to fed and live and then reverse the journey from the South Pacific for example to a particular inlet up a river in Alaska.

People also migrate. We move as community or family groups when there is the pressure of violence or climate change or poverty or hunger. But we migrate as individuals far more often and less predictably. 

That said, August is a time of frequent individual human migration. People change location based on new jobs, new educational steps, new opportunities more often this month than most in the Northern hemisphere. And THAT is a lot of change.

Most everyone is touched by someone’s individual migration right now. Whether that person is moving or loves someone who is moving, or is doing the work of a colleague who moved on, or is picking up a new role or seeing a doctor who’s brand new at their job or, or, or, this migration hits us all.

Sometimes I’m in your inbox with tools and strategies. Today I’m here just with a reminder: people migration

If you can’t figure out why someone’s resilience is dropping – look for the moving parts. Who changed the game?

Don’t forget how powerful empathy is in helping others rebuild their resilience.

And remember – the someone whose resilience is dropping unexpectedly? That might be you.

Are you dealing with migration right now? Comment and tell me. When I’m not helping one of my kids off to his second year of college, or helping two other kids get settled in high school, I’ll answer!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Get Your Joy On-Demand

Hi! get your joy

What’s with all the joy?

I’ve spent a lot of time this summer thinking about, working on and writing to you about joy. The science-y reasons for that are best summarized in an article on the NIH website: 

“Research shows that daily experiences of awe, curiosity, gratitude, joy, and love can put the average person on a trajectory of growth, success, and positive social connection, and can also prevent those who are suffering from following a downward spiral. Nonetheless, data show that most people are not functioning at optimal capacity. In fact, just 20% of people may be categorized as “flourishing,” with the vast majority of people merely “languishing,” at risk for mental health issues, or with clinical levels of mental health concerns.”

I’m interested in flourishing, how about you?

And, as Corey Robinson put it on The Resilience Think Tank in June, “Joy is an unlimited, inexhaustible resource.” So I went out to find it. I’ve written to you about how I spent one surprise evening all by myself experiencing joy, and I took a vacation to find more.

As always, I want to make these emails easy to grab onto and actionable for you. So here is a breakdown of the science of joy from Harvard, NIH and a few other reliable sources:

Joy is primarily mediated by these brain chemicals: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphinsAnything that raises those chemicals will clock as “joy” improving your mental healthTime isn’t the point – even quick doses of these (and even in the midst of struggle and stress) will help you!

What can you do to raise any of those good chemicals in your brain, even for a moment? Here are just several ideas:

Touch someone you love who loves you backPet an animalLaugh!Sing along or dance to music that feels goodCreate artExercise til you’re a little out of breathVolunteer in a way that helps someone else

What brings you on-demand joy? Hit reply and tell me! We need a pretty long list these days.

All my best,

Dr. G

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