Leila Marie Lawler's Blog, page 33
May 26, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
I’ll do two catch-ups today — the garden and last week’s graduation!
Here’s a pic after a ton of work with everything just left out because I couldn’t find any minions to clean up after me — where are they??
Those five beds in the front of the photo have buckwheat growing in them. I’m starting to interplant my tender veggies — my hope is that the flowering buckwheat will attract predators of the bad bugs that harm them. It also adds a lot of good nutrients to the soil.
Graduation at Thomas More College is a splendid affair, even in the cold rain. It all began with thesis presentations by all the seniors on Friday, followed by an elegant meal under the tent. And yes, it was cold enough for my winter coat!
The next day there was a beautiful Mass under the tent, celebrated by Bishop Conley of Lincoln, Nebraska. The Schola provided the polyphony and chant (Bridget is the soprano on the end there).
If it looks like Bridget is crying her eyes out emotional, she is!
So, busy around here! On to our links!
If you are near Central Massachusetts (a quick hop from southern New Hampshire, Providence, Boston, or even Hartford!) come join us for John’s Open Art Studio day tomorrow! We’d love to meet you and show you around!
I had a little chat on Mater Dei Radio with Mary Harrell the other day for a quick 20 minutes, about The Little Oratory and various things you might find interesting.
Our friend Fr. Pokorsky on how we might find ourselves erased: Beware of the Beria Method.
Fr. Schall on What Teachers Mean — perhaps there is something here to give encouragement to the homeschooler with an inferiority complex, though Fr. Schall is mainly speaking about the awakening that ought to happen in college. I think the homeschooler is more free to connect one’s children to interesting people than the patrons of the local public school, at this point:
“But finding a good teacher, even if he is not in one’s own university or one’s own time, even if he is not really a professional “teacher,” is a great blessing. He can lead us to things that we otherwise would not have known or encountered. Both the teacher and the student are directed to something beyond themselves.”
Department of long articles about arcane subjects: Exquisite Rot: Spalted Wood and the Lost Art of Intarsia.
A meditation to take to prayer, perhaps: Pope Benedict’s Christmas greetings of 2010 — on subjectivity, objectivity, and conscience. Incredibly relevant today, despite not being exactly the correct season, liturgically speaking. “For [John Henry Newman], “conscience” means man’s capacity for truth: the capacity to recognize precisely in the decision-making areas of his life – religion and morals – a truth, the truth. At the same time, conscience – man’s capacity to recognize truth – thereby imposes on him the obligation to set out along the path towards truth, to seek it and to submit to it wherever he finds it.”
I don’t even know what to say about this article, other than I couldn’t figure out how to listen to the video (was that just me? Or there’s no audio? In a story about music?) but don’t tell me that we will forever be consigned to weakly crooning On Eagles’ Wings, because this is a story about baroque music in (literally) jungle cultures — “Here near the borders of Brazil and Paraguay, harpsichords and lutes can be found in the smallest villages. Luthiers have carved violins from local cedar for centuries.”
Before and After: a church gets renovated.
Great photos from this week, from The Week.
A happy feast day to all our Philips!! The Chief, Rosie’s Capt. P, and Pippo!! Tomorrow is Trinity Sunday, the one feast dedicated to a dogma, the One-in-Threeness of God!
From the archives:
It’s been in the news that Snapchat added a dark pornographic side to its site (and apparently took it away after protests) — but don’t think that protecting your children is a matter of deleting apps. It’s a way of life. I tried to outline how to live this way in my article about sex education.
Last week Deirdre wrote about how her family has joined us here at the Manse while her husband The Artist sets up shop. Although we still (still!! never done!!) have one more room to renovate up there, here is a little tour of the space (pre-move-in, obviously).
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
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Auntie Leila’s Ravelry.
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Sukie’s Instagram.
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Habou’s Instagram.
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May 18, 2018
Turning Back Up With Lots of News!
Spring is springing, the days are flying, and it’s time for me to dust off my LMLD keyboard a bit to check back in here – I know it’s been a long, quiet while for me!
A lot has been happening with our little family! Which is why, in part, it’s been hard for me to find the time to contribute.
You may recall, a few years ago, when I shared that The Artist and I had come to the decision that we would leave our dear community in the DC area and leave his job teaching at a great school in order to pursue the dream of full-time, professional artwork. He knew that he wanted further training in order to master his craft, and the man he wanted to study with was in Manchester, NH. That’s how we ended up with that whole Chesternest chapter.
Pause for a few before-and-afters from that dear, quirkly little apartment:
Well, we’re on the other side of that now. After 3+ years of living in the best neighborhood we’d ever known and experiencing our happiest times as a little family, we decided that The Artist had indeed achieved his goal in his studies and it was time to take the leap.
He worked so hard during those years and I am so proud of him. If you will allow me a moment to honor him: rarely will you find a young man who is artistically inclined apply himself with so much focus and discipline to a craft.
Art is not about emoting on canvas and it’s not about self-discovery (although emotional expression and understanding of self can certainly be part of and result from good art!); to study art seriously is to be dedicated to enduring principles and meet the demands of objective standards. Pursuing art ought not be selfish; the Artist has been given a gift and he believes in working hard to put that gift at the service of others by communicating beauty.
He put in 8-10+ hour days through most of the year, often traveling on foot or bike to the studio (so that I could have the shared car at home) in all kinds of New England weather, and taking up various freelance work on the nights and weekends and over the summers.
He put in months of work on individual paintings so that he could totally integrate all the feedback from his master (which was generally received on a weekly basis), who was very encouraging when he saw how rapidly The Artist advanced and how deeply he grasped the concepts and the technique.
A glimpse from his Manchester studio of some of the illustrations he did for a children’s book which is due to come out this late summer/fall! More on that soon!
It was a slog at times, and it sometimes felt like we were crazy (maybe at times you’ve thought so, too!), but it was time well-spent. And now it’s time to put the practice into practice!
So we looked around for our next move and how to go about launching him as a professional artist. After discussions with my parents, we decided that we would move here to the LMLD homestead and take up the third floor “apartment” (now dubbed The Snuggery) and do the four-generations-under-one-roof thing.
My parents have been very gracious and accommodating in letting us disrupt their erstwhile quiet lifestyle with a group of noisy littles and our own comings and goings. We all, and especially the kids, are loving being so close (couldn’t be closer, really!) to extended family. The decision was ratified when we also landed on a perfect space for The Artist’s studio right here in town, an easy mile commute for him! He is taking on commissioned work (portraits, custom still life, what have you) as well as working on his own project of The Faces of New England.
If you’re interested in following along with The Artist’s endeavors (which are also mine, of course, not only because I’m his wife and have always collaborated closely on and discussed all his work with him, but also because I’ve taken on the role of his manager and am handling the business end of things for now), you can browse his website. Better yet, you can take 3 seconds and sign up for the occasional newsletter I’ll be sending out (about to launch!) by clicking here. Also follow him on Instagram! He’s been posting “process” pictures — they are fascinating!
So! There’s been that. We moved back to my old home just in time for Easter. A lot of shifts and settling, farewells and greetings.
But there’s more.
If you haven’t already heard from my Instagram… I bet you can guess.
Baby “Quillabee” is expected mid-late(ish) September. Finnabee is hoping fervently for a little sister (and I would love that for her too, as well as to be able to pull out all the sweet little girl dresses that have been sitting in storage for years now!). Peabodee is pulling for a little brother and is feeling certain about his odds. When they argue about which it will be, I say, “well, we’ll have to find out! One of you is right!” To which Peabodee replies, confidently: “I am.”
Chickapea, having just recently passed his first birthday, is clueless as to the developments but I’m sure will be fascinated and delighted with (and hopefully won’t accidentally crush) whomever comes along. This has definitely been my fastest pregnancy and I can barely remember it’s happening, I have so many things on my mind.
The other night my friend asked me to remind her when the baby is coming and, for a split second, my internal reaction was “what baby?” But with each day, as I get bigger and bigger and the baby gets squirmier and stronger, it sinks in a bit more and we get a bit more excited and aware of how much we’re blessed.
And before I know it we’ll be halfway through the year! So much to get to and so much to prepare for!
Thanks for reading along!
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May 12, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
Our week has been glorious. I went up to the library to get a book and was made so happy by the unfurling leaves, the blue sky, and the bright copula of the church. Spring at last…
… Until today, when our baby, Bridget, graduates from Thomas More College. We are going to have to pull off that New England thing where you try to look seasonal but are actually braced against the cold rain and mud. Ah well…
Things have been busy around here (as they must be when you not only live near your child’s college, but your husband teaches there as well!). But I couldn’t let another week go by without a bits & pieces, could I?
Here’s my quick (not great!) snap of Bridget just before defending her senior thesis, on the role of story in apprehending the truth:
And here some of the students are after last night’s dinner with family under the tent. As we walked away I thought of how different the sounds are coming from behind us from those of probably most colleges. Real music — loud, yes, but not from any amplification! This isn’t music that a corporation has deemed “what kids want” but what they themselves have internalized from the past — folk tunes and old songs that tell of an un-ironic world of love, loss, and maybe a little drunkenness! But not of nihilism or the sadness of a loss of hope. The sounds themselves are “in tune” with reality, not a clashing synthesized battle with it.
I think the music most of all expresses what I want for everyone’s children. There are few, very few places where you can find it. One place should be our own home — another our church (not folk tunes about getting a little drunk, obviously! but the chant of worship) — and another should be the school. Music forms the soul — what good is it to learn important facts or even lofty philosophy if the music we hear and make doesn’t participate in beauty? (How many of us think of music as something we make?)
On to our links!
I assume you know that at least some of the links that I post here, I have in mind for you to share with your inquiring offspring — at least I know that my kids would have liked to have seen interesting articles or videos, and then would have been more open to me handing them a book that explored the subject further.
Here’s an article on why water is slippery.
The most Brit thing you will read today: Letters to the editor that decry the identification of a phrase as being written in iambic pentameter.
J. R. R. Tolkien and the Birmingham Oratory.
And then most of the time I just want to share what I’ve been reading in case you have something to say about it all…
The retirement home founded by Giuseppe Verdi.
A group of monks fleeing Communism in Hungary helped found the University of Dallas.
Love, love, love the books of the Provensens. The obituary for Alice. “When she won the Carle Honors award from the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art in Massachusetts, she told an interviewer, ‘Let’s face it, it’s not a jab in the eye with a stick.'”
Hannah Arendt on propaganda and the lies that we are made to tell: “Arendt and others recognized, writes Levy, that ‘being made to repeat an obvious lie makes it clear that you’re powerless.'”
The importance of imagination to faith. Some good points. I maintain that it is through the sort of childhood and family life that we remember here at Like Mother, Like Daughter, that children’s imaginations are formed — that the process is a natural one when a beneficial environment and necessary qualities are present. (This essay is along the lines of Bridget’s thesis, actually.)
An overview of the studies on same-sex parenting and what it means to children. I don’t actually think that we should base arguments about human nature on studies. There are some things that it’s for the innovators to prove — the burden’s on them, not on us, given that they are the ones who are overturning what everyone everywhere has always thought. However, since ideology is gaining power, it’s worthwhile to know what the studies say.
From Doug Mainwaring, a raw look at the loss at the heart of adoption.
This is funny, in a bittersweet way — happy Mother’s Day!
This weekend, Mutu has 20% off with this code (you can read about this exercise program in Deirdre’s review).
From the archives:
I got an email from a reader who was, among other things, lamenting the occasional rudeness of her 12-year-old daughter. I have a post for that.
When you first get married, you set up your housekeeping, and you hardly know what that means — that you are building your home!
Today is the feast of Mary, Queen of the Apostles. She is their queen without herself being an apostle (though surely she, as the “highest honor of our race” ought to have been made the first Pope if women were to be priests!). Hans Urs von Balthasar says that this is because she has “other, and greater, powers.” Maybe think about that today!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
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Auntie Leila’s Instagram.
Rosie’s Instagram.
Sukie’s Instagram.
Deirdre’s Instagram.
Bridget’s Instagram.
Habou’s Instagram.
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April 28, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
It’s endlessly fascinating to me how different children are. Some can sit for hours playing with red lentils and funnels, and others just want to run.
By the way, here is my little child development tip for the day: children who are getting ready to toilet train often delve into this sort of tactile play. You will also find that they begin to show interest in lining up their toys — you may come upon nice rows of matchbox cars or dominoes laid out just so.
Certain folk tales help them with the toilet-training stage as well. Maybe someday I’ll write a dissertation on the hidden meaning of The Three Little Pigs and its importance in the child’s subconscious.
Think about it — the house is often a symbol for the body, and it takes great effort (represented by the three attempts to build an “un-blow-downable” house) to master the control necessary over the bowels.
Once you see it this way, every time you read the tale you will understand the appeal — not only the big bad wolf going down the “chimney” (narrow passage) into the “pot” (need I say more?!?) but even the necessity of each pig dying before the last one lives triumphantly in his new-found state of self-control. He doesn’t mourn his “brothers” because the subconscious recognizes them as symbols of his past selves, the incompetent ones whose demise is welcome so that his new, better self can emerge with mastery.
Let this be a lesson to you in meddling with time-tested stories. We take for granted the skills we have used for years — we have simply forgotten how difficult it was to attain them. But we’re robbing our children of valuable tools in the fight when we abandon the collective memory in favor of some bland doctrine of niceness that is utterly irrelevant to the situation.
Even the whimsical riffs on the Three Little Pigs might be amusing to adults, but they simply aren’t satisfying to that three-year-old struggling with his baby self. Save them for the five-year-olds who know the original well!
Our three-year-olds need this traditional story read to them over and over (and it’s simple enough that you can memorize it and just tell it as you are driving along or holding hands walking). Maybe it helps to see why! And break out the red lentils!
On to our links:
Just invite friends over: Stop Making Hospitality Complicated! (It’s so much fun when you have a book or something you are all reading in common, in addition to your normal reading. Making a St. Greg’s Pocket helps to organize all that.)
The Simony of Sacramental Preparation. With good intentions of getting everyone involved and excited about their faith and overtly demonstrating involvement and excitement, our directors of religious education are actually corrupting the sacraments — it needs to stop.
Robert Royal on MacBeth — and be sure to show your high school students the video he links to, Ian McKellen on how the (good) actor acts by thinking deeply about the meaning embodied in the structure of the words of the play.
Statues everywhere are coming down. Maybe some of them deserve to be removed. (I’m not sure that we are capable of replacing them with something equally artistic, but that’s neither here nor there, I suppose.) But sometimes people are just in an iconoclastic mood, without stopping to wonder if what they are doing makes sense. The statue of Stephen Foster was removed in Pittsburgh, according to this AP story. Linked within is this thought-provoking little essay about the statue and what it really depicts. Our confidence that we are enlightened — and see things clearly, with no filters of bigotry — and previous generations were hopelessly backward, brings to mind this observation of C. S. Lewis about chronological snobbery:
Every age has its own outlook. It is especially good at seeing certain truths and especially liable to make certain mistakes. We all therefore need the books that will correct the characteristic mistakes of our own period…. None of us can fully escape this blindness, but we shall certainly increase it, and weaken our guard against it, if we read only modern books….The only palliative is to keep the clean sea breeze of the centuries blowing through our minds and this can only be done by reading old books. [Or, in the case of Foster, listening to old songs!]
The case of Alfie Evans does have importance on a wide scale, for our medical system has been almost completely taken over by utilitarianism, the approach that equates what is useful with what is good. (See C. S. Lewis’ Abolition of Man for a philosophical response.) Here are some links to help understand what is going on and what is at stake:
Alfie Versus the State, by David Warren — abortion and euthanasia have the same logic.
Alfie is a Victim of Secular Leftism, by Stephen Herreid
Alfie Evans: Liberty, Institutional Power and Family Life
What is morally required for care of those at the end of life?
Anthony Esolen on conscience and consent.
This dear little boy died in the night. May his memory be eternal.
From the archives:
How to be hospitable with your kids’ friends.
What can children do? A guide.
Several beautiful saints for today! And it’s still Easter!
While you’re sharing our links with your friends, why not tell them about Like Mother, Like Daughter too!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
Follow us:
Follow us on Twitter.
Like us on Facebook.
Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.
Rosie’s Pinterest.
Sukie’s Pinterest.
Deirdre’s Pinterest.
Habou’s Pinterest.
Bridget’s Pinterest.
Auntie Leila’s Ravelry.
Auntie Leila’s Instagram.
Rosie’s Instagram.
Sukie’s Instagram.
Deirdre’s Instagram.
Bridget’s Instagram.
Habou’s Instagram.
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April 21, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
Wool and fires in the wood stove here in mid-April — but dashing out in the partial sun to fix up a bed or two, an hour here and an hour there, when the rain and snow take a break.
Every time I go out there, I see more that needs to be done. All I can say is, if *I* can plant peas, so can you! Hopefully my shabby garden gives you the thought, “Maybe I can do it… ”
Whatever “it” is for you!
On to our links!
Have a serious art student in your life, or someone who would like to become one? The Artist, Deirdre’s husband, is offering a summer workshop in the Boston area. Please share this with your homeschooling groups and art associations.
A beautiful reflection on what her semester in Rome has come to mean to her, by a Thomas More College sophomore.
I loved this video explaining how chicks (and human beings) get oxygen before birth. Very good explanation accompanied by excellent graphics.
Free online courses from top universities. Most of them won’t be worth the time, but there’s bound to be some gems hidden in there.
Joseph Sciambra writes intensely, but indispensably, about homosexuality. Here is his latest, a beautiful tribute to Fr. John Harvey, founder of Courage, an apostolate to support in chastity those with same-sex attraction.
Are transgender ideologists proud apostles of Humpty-Dumpty-ism?
I have no idea how legit this particular site is, but the studies linked within seem so, and certainly common sense suggests that our children are exposed to too much artificial light.
Why are embroidery scissors shaped like storks?
If you want a beautiful Mass, you need beautiful liturgical music.
Our bishops need Latin.
In Dating Project thoughts:
This past week I posted about (and saw) The Dating Project. In this post I list many of my own thoughts on dating, marriage, and moral development. A friend pointed me to this essay about the history of dating in the US in the 20th century, which highlights the problems with the notion.
Here’s Brad Miner’s review of the movie. Brad is the author of The Compleat Gentleman: The Modern Man’s Guide to Chivalry. I have it on order now — have you read it? I have two excellent books to talk about for women (Return to Modesty and The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After — hope to post about them soon), but nothing for men that is grounded in natural law (not evolution) and moral conduct. (These are affiliate links to Amazon — your purchase sends a little cash our way, thank you).
Prof. Kerry Cronin (the driving force behind The Dating Project) offers with a deeper look at intimacy than comes across in the film.
While you’re sharing our links with your friends, why not tell them about Like Mother, Like Daughter too!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
Follow us:
Follow us on Twitter.
Like us on Facebook.
Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.
Rosie’s Pinterest.
Sukie’s Pinterest.
Deirdre’s Pinterest.
Habou’s Pinterest.
Bridget’s Pinterest.
Auntie Leila’s Ravelry.
Auntie Leila’s Instagram.
Rosie’s Instagram.
Sukie’s Instagram.
Deirdre’s Instagram.
Bridget’s Instagram.
Habou’s Instagram.
The post {bits & pieces} appeared first on Like Mother Like Daughter.
April 19, 2018
Restoring sanity, helping people get married.
Tuesday night Deirdre and I saw the documentary The Dating Project. I thought it was great and naturally, I have my own two cents to contribute as well. Good news, the site now says that the movie will soon be available digitally and on DVD. I hope they make it available beyond groups and programs. I think parents, especially those whose children are not homeschooled, but who are concerned, should really watch it with their older kids (ones who already know about the hookup culture — if they don’t, don’t watch it with them, but instead peruse my links at the end of the post).
First, some observations as I was watching:
The film is well done. (I am over those camera angles close up and from below. Don’t know much about movie-making but Ken Burns has a lot to answer for here, seems to me, if you are a historian or professor and not a model with perfect teeth and nostrils, but as I’m not going to be in a documentary anytime soon, we’ll let it pass). The music works well to place you in the contemporary scene while adding its own amplification of the complex feelings undergone by the subjects; the visuals are excellent; the editing keeps you involved and allows the themes to develop without forcing them.
The professor who started it all, Kerry Cronin (along with the estimable Jesuit priest whose talk on Chastity and Courage I would love to read), is lively, cheerful, and approachable. She’s a true apostle of common sense (a good, if unexpected, quality in a philosophy professor!). Her comments are very helpful.
The five main subjects of the film project honesty and depth. The producers must have spent hours and hours with them over a long period of time, because not only do they express what’s on their mind, they evince development and change in their thinking. There’s a sense of discovery that the viewer is participating in, which in turn helps the viewer understand better the possibly foreign concepts of simple dating being presented.
The narrative unfolds gently. Not every point is made at first, but I emerged from the theater satisfied that the difficult topics were brought up. Porn, premarital sex, cohabitation, hookup culture — the film gets you to think about these things and to begin to take seriously the necessity of turning away from them definitively.
It’s really, really sad to see the freshmen in college, nice, sweet kids, talk about their experiences with hooking up. Even given the point made by Cronin, that hooking up can mean various activities on a scale (and, she points out, that’s what makes it so appealing or successful as a concept — no one really knows what you did), the thought that it’s considered normal for young people to treat intimacy as its opposite — something detached and separate from their inner selves, something they must recover from in order to regain feeling. We simply must help our society recover its sanity.
The film takes on a lot. This is a huge topic. Just addressing the hookup culture on campus is enough material for a whole series of documentaries. But The Dating Project also looks at finding love after college, at 30 in the midst of a demanding career, and at 40 after a lifetime of evading deep relationships. It wants all the conversations to happen at once, and yet somehow it doesn’t crumple under the weight of this self-imposed challenge.
It seems clear that the producers want to engage with the secular, sex-obsessed culture. At a basic level, Prof. Cronin’s thought boils down to, “Do daring things for the good, if for no other reason than you see that hookups aren’t working and because you trust me to have common sense — and good things will happen.” Specifically, the daring thing she has in mind is going on a date. I respect that and totally endorse.
Will the movie reach the intended audience? I have no idea.
I can see this film being embraced by church youth programs, and that makes me uneasy, because the culture of faith should work with a more precise moral vocabulary and greater clarity than this film incorporates (simply because the film does aim to reach those who have been left behind, morally speaking) (leaving aside the fact that Boston College, where Prof. Cronin teaches and offers her dating course, is a putatively Catholic institution, to its shame). “Meeting people where they are to help them come closer to the truth” isn’t meant as a strategy for church, where it’s reasonable to just go ahead and tell them what they need to know.
But out in the world I could see this movie being a good starting place. How to get people to watch it without feeling like they are a captive audience?
I am not sure that men will watch, just because men don’t usually watch (or read) things that women really, really want them to watch. I could be wrong; I hope I am. But men need to watch it.
So I am not sure how it will fare. Since my aim here is narrower — to enliven the everyday, ordinary beauty that draws us to the Good, to encourage parents to bring up virtuous children (or at least children who know what virtue is and how to recover it if it’s lost), and only probably secondarily to help any stray unattached readers to commit to finding a spouse — I will offer, as I said, my two cents on the topic of dating (and chastity in general).
So here they are:
The model of the “Level 1 Date” (you can download it here) is a good one for our crazy society. It’s simple and people do appreciate rules for things. Beyond getting a cup of coffee or an ice cream, which are also the suggestions my husband and I made to our kids, we included this one: Invite the person you think you might be interested in on a walk. Liking walks is normative for a happy life! It has the benefit of being free (unless you get your ice cream cones and take them with you). It allows you to talk. It keeps you moving. It’s invigorating. You can walk somewhere beautiful or to something interesting. It allows you to talk without worrying excessively about your appearance or how the other person is reacting to you, but it’s not a conversational road block the way a movie is. If the person looks askance at a walk, they likely won’t be for you.
One of the rules of Level 1 Dating, “if you ask, you pay,” is okay, but… I thought it was interesting that the women in the movie expressed the desire to be pursued. Prof. Cronin made a the argument that the Level 1 date is not courtship, it’s just coffee, and as such it’s more like a green light to be pursued, perhaps, in the future. That is a good point.
The movie really avoided addressing the difference between men and women, and I get why that choice was made. However, if the rule were re-written slightly to say, “if you ask, you offer to pay while saying, ‘you can treat next time, or we could go Dutch,’” you leave the door open for a next time. And you leave the door open, if you are the woman, to not paying if you are the one suggesting the date — that is, you avoid setting up the notion that you subscribe to a feminist, egalitarian vision of relationship — one that is not compatible with the whole idea of this project (although I’m not sure that the producers of the movie would agree with that — and that’s maybe an avoidance of theirs).
Since women do long to be pursued and, as Cronin points out, our society simply doesn’t support that model at the moment, it’s important that if a man is being asked, he doesn’t get the wrong idea about expectations going forward. What Cronin doesn’t say is that men don’t understand this about women — or are afraid to admit to understanding it — in large part because women have collectively, and to their unacknowledged grief, trained them out of any natural instinct to do it. Why should the man ask, and pay? Because he ought to be the pursuer, and by spending money is demonstrating to the woman that he can, and is willing to, support her if they should decide to marry. This is decisive for their future happiness, since marriage isn’t a sort of business arrangement. It’s a sacred way to build a life together complementarily.
Saying “you can treat me next time” is important to answer the question of how the relationship moves forward from date to date and from level to level (the levels are explained in the movie, but the moving forward is not). This is something I might talk about more later.
It struck me that in the interview after the main part of the film ended, Cronin made the excellent point that knowing how to ask people questions and have a give-and-take conversation is just good manners in society(don’t miss this!). So I do think that the “Level 1 Date” could actually just be interpreted more broadly as a desirable interaction for any two people, not necessarily those who have romantic possibilities.
Mothers with young children are probably the only adults left on the planet who know how to say to each other, “Want to come over for a cup of coffee?” — simply because they have the pretext of getting their children together for playing. They are the only ones left who can pull it off without awkwardness.
Because we now email and text — but most of all, go on Facebook to relate to each other in groups — we have lost the art not only of dating but of just getting together with one friend of any description. So I would encourage the lucky mothers who have this privilege to encourage their husbands to stop for a quick beer with a friend after work once in a while, let’s meet up for an hour of conversation over tea, and let’s make a point of meeting a friend over a drink. And in general, let’s think about how to model and help our children be able to say to a friend, “want to get together for a chat?”
If we have more practice having real conversations, one on one, our children will too, and then when it’s a matter of a date, they won’t be so disadvantaged.
Only at the very end of the interview does Cronin get into the role of friendship in romance, although throughout her main point is that one person needs to get to know another. I’d love to hear more from her on this topic.
I do think that if we were better at having friends in general and knowing what to do with them even for an hour, we’d be better at the kind of dating she’s describing, where you actually are trying to become romantically involved with someone you’ve actually come to know, and to come to know someone you consider romantic material.
Our society has duped us into thinking that the goal for men and women is a sexual hookup, but the goal is marriage. The movie is good at identifying the first part and its problems, but doesn’t quite nail down the second part and its joys. That’s okay. It does a good enough job of indicating it, of leaving the question hanging out there — especially with the small segment with Chris’ 90-year-old mother (and do you realize this means she had him when she was 50? Fantastic!), a beautiful, funny, articulate, and happy lady whose life really seems to be an example of all one could hope for from romance, even if it was cut short by her husband’s passing. I wish they would do another documentary with, say, five people at various stages of marriage, with Chris’ mother front and center.
I am still not sure how one signals to a potential romantic interest that one is committed to waiting for marriage to be intimate. To me, it’s fatal to this whole concept of the “normal, simple” date to discuss “The Relationship” or “What I Want out of a Relationship” — on the Level 1 Date I would highly encourage not discussing such things at all. When you are getting together for coffee you just want to look outward at interesting things, conversationally, so that you get to know each other. You want to know simple facts about the person so that you have context, such as where she is originally from, how many siblings he has, what he studied in school, what she’s reading now.
But obviously it’s not good to invest a lot of time with someone who expects to jump in bed! But… people can change their shallow ideas simply because it’s worth it to them to get to know this new person with such novel attitudes! So it does need to be known. Perhaps we need to bring back wearing a crucifix around the neck so that at least the other person has an early distant warning. What are your thoughts about this?
A reader asked in the comments to my previous post on the movie:
Leila, are there any print or online resources you’d recommend for parents or dating-age young people? Meeting my husband was pure serendipity. I think a lot about how we’re going to help our sons navigate that problem… and haven’t any good answers yet.
To answer, I will say that parents simply must realize that preparation for dating (that is to say, for the process by which one finds a spouse) is primarily remote — it starts very early on in life. We all understand very well that you don’t get a lovely ripe tomato from your garden a few days before you want one. We understand the importance of loosening the soil, preparing it with compost, leaving it fallow at the right times, letting even the frost do its work on its structure, carefully planting the seed at the right depth in the spring, and on and on.
The same is true in the family! If you do that hard work all along, you will find that when the time comes for your children to go out and date, your wisdom won’t fall on inhospitable ground.
Here are some links for you on the remote preparation part of things:
How families help their older children socialize with each other.Your friends and your community are your best chance to keep your children on the right path.
The moral development of the child. (This is the last of the series — they are all linked here.) Our young adults need courage and all the virtues, which are habits. How do you get these habits? It takes a lifetime, and people who love you.
Sex education and your child.Do not turn these important matters over to others. The real experts are the child’s parents!
Solidarity and standards.Your friends are your allies, if you choose them well.
Trust in your own marriage, your child’s best “curriculum.” Marriage is God’s plan for raising moral beings in union with Him — and also for sheltering those who are in need. Marriage has its own grace!
And make friends with others — form a community over the years that will serve your children well.
Most importantly, pray together. I wrote a book to show you how… start by praying the Rosary together as a family!
Did you see the movie? What did you think? I’m sure other readers would love to know!
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April 16, 2018
The Dating Project, or, People, Get Married!
Since my husband is almost ten years older than I, and we met when I was still in high school, it was possible for us to become friends before we saw each other as marriage material. So, I am not that convinced about dating, nor do I have a lot of context for it. I went on a few dates in my life (during the time that I thought I had a friend in this guy named Phil but probably needed a boyfriend — and was pretty darned young), and they were awfully lame and exasperating.
In a way those few times made me realize that I just wanted to be with Phil!
Regardless, men and women need to be with each other, talk about everything, take walks, and figure out whether they’d possibly want to marry. Short of having the village elders simply make the match, there’s no good way to achieve this end other than dating. And if people are not going to end up alone with either a lot of bad memories of intimacies that left them eviscerated or a lot of loneliness, they need to take steps!
Tuesday evening, April 17th, there will be a one-time screening of the movie, The Dating Project, somewhere near you. You know that I don’t usually promote things… but.
An in-depth preview of this movie (which I hope to go see Tuesday evening along with you!*) convinces me that it raises in a helpful way the issue of not being able to date, and what to do about that.
I appreciate that the movie includes people of different races and ages. I appreciate that it forthrightly discusses marriage. I am encouraged by the positive message for people who are in the mainstream and need a way to escape its constraint of no constraints. The fact is that our society has no rules, and this situation is intolerable.
Here’s a short trailer for the movie:
You can find the movie on Facebook,Instagram, and Twitter.
*In exchange for this honest post about my thoughts on dating, I am receiving tickets to the movie. I hope you will invite some friends and go as well! I will be seeing it at the Solomon Pond Theater in Berlin/Marlborough, MA.
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April 14, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
Our bees survived the worst January on record — well, almost all of them did. It was so dreadfully cold for so long, without a break, that we were sure they wouldn’t make it. We hardly made it! Amazingly, two hives did. And then in the February thaw, when temperatures got high enough for Phil to open them up, nothing.
They had all succumbed to mites. This is so sad! All around us, beekeepers reported the same thing. There’s nothing to do but start again.
So this past week, a new colony was delivered, and after much agonizing over our shady, hillside property, we decided to move them to this spot, just above my garden. Phil hacked away at a bush that I’ve long hated (it was quince, which does have beautiful blooms for one week every year, and then looks like a scraggly blot on the landscape for all the others) and made a platform for them where they will, hopefully, get the maximum amount of sunlight in all seasons and be sheltered on the northwest by the berm.
We hope shortly to be able to split this hive and be back up and running with our apiary!
We have grandkids around who love seeing all things bee-related, and helping as much as possible (not much haha, and I wasn’t involved in the tying up of that little suit… doesn’t seem all that helpful to have ropes around your arms and legs but no one consulted me!). We have one child-sized suit, but children usually don’t care much about it — they are fine hanging out by the hive regardless. (It turns out that Phil seems to be extremely allergic to bee stings, so he does get the whole shebang on.)
The bucket is leftover from collecting the honey and comb from the top-bar hive. The new bees will clean up the stickiness of the residue in the container and the strainer much better than I ever could!
On to our links!
If you follow me on Instagram, you see occasional loaves of bread and then you kindly ask me for my methods, etc. But I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I have found this IG account and his website really helpful, though!
David Clayton (with whom I wrote The Little Oratory) writes about beauty, and how it draws us towards the light and truth of God.
Tony Esolen on the body.
“Moving on” from the question of divorce and remarriage is urged enough that the spirit starts to go out of you. The clamor doesn’t die down; the memory of what the case really is does. It slips away. This article is worth rereading, therefore: The Forgotten Spouse.
Jeff Mirus, my husband’s colleague, wrote a good piece on Seven Mistakes of “Good Catholic Parents” that I thought you’d like to see. The problem is that anxiety often overtakes us when we just aren’t sure what the alternative is. I would simply say: these errors are avoided if we live our faith along with the Liturgical Year of the Church, as I so often urge here. That’s what our book is about. We can be peaceful if we just live and pray and trust.
Another older article, worth a re-read: Why only men [and boys] should serve at Mass. The only one I’ve seen that gives the reasons that it is not good for girls, and why.
We have to speak up about uncomfortable topics, because soon there will not be practicing Christians in positions that we need them to be in. “Katherine Asjeshad been named by Gov. Kim Reynolds to the Iowa Board of Medicine, but she had be to confirmed by the 49-member Iowa Senate. Asjes is the mother of six, the wife of a military veteran, a conservative Republican, and a practicing Catholic. She needed a two-thirds majority, but failed to get it as 18 Democrats voted against her.” The reason? Not going along with the LGBT catechism.
From the archives:
It really is so hard to be frugal and feel that you are buying the right kinds of food. Five thoughts about that from me.
Remember when I started a book club reading in Lent and it went on until Easter? If you couldn’t do it then, maybe do it now! Romano Guardini’s Spirit of the Liturgy. (All the posts are linked in this one.)
Lots of feasts today in the liturgical calendar!
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April 7, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
A few pics of our Easter brunch — on Holy Saturday, Bridget and her school chum Bella got the dining room ready. As I went up the stairs to change, I turned and saw it in the late afternoon light (SUNlight, by the way; that elusive blessing in these parts!) …
Deirdre managed to snap a few as we were getting the food on the table. I truly wonder how other people get good photos, not only of their table but of themselves, in their holiday finery. We looked fabulous, all of us, including the kids! But of course, no time to take pictures!
How to “smoke” or cure salmon yourself — it’s very easy and only takes salt and time.
Chocolate babka. This year’s were perfect — so soft and tender and chocolate-y. However, that made them not super photogenic…
Good Housekeeping frittata, made by Bridget. Tasty and excellent. She increased the recipe by a half, used sun dried tomatoes (from my garden), and when we just could not find the chives we bought, swapped in rosemary instead, which was mwah!
King Arthur Almond Puff pastries, which I made almond-less due to allergies. This is their bake-along for April, and I am not convinced about the oven temperature here. Have you tried this recipe?
On to our links!
Fr. Schall on the meaning of the Resurrection. This post is from last year, but its logic can help us understand and reject some errors being taught today about the possibility that the soul simply ceases to exist after death.
Existence was given to each of us, and it was good that we exist. We find ourselves already in existence. We are invited to accept what we are or to reject it. If we reject it, we are allowed to live with this rejection as what forms our being for the rest of eternity. This consequence is but another way of affirming how important our lives really are. Christ, the Son of God, rose from the dead. In that brief sentence, if we look carefully enough, we can discover the whole order of being and our place within it.
An endocrinologist’s review of I Am Jazz — a must-read, because this propaganda is everywhere and is brainwashing children.
Patek Philippe, the luxury watch maker, released a watch that offers the date of Easter, among other features. Being able to provide a mechanical system for this purpose — in miniature! — is an amazing feat, and in the course of explaining how it’s done (not that I understand), lots of information about how the date itself is determined is discussed. The embedded links are interesting as well!
Francisco De Zurbarán’s Jacob And 12 Sons Are Perfect Viewing For Holy Week [or let’s say, now, Easter season!] And Passover. Amazing collection of fanciful artworks at the Frick in Manhattan! Please go and tell me how it was.
Tony Esolen on teaching boys, via Louisa May Alcott’s Little Men. And on Why Private Sexual Vice is a Public Concern.
Two doctors discover a new organ in the human body, the Interstitium. Oh, you mean something new, previously completely overlooked because the very method of observation obscured it? Yes, it still happens and can happen! “Science” isn’t a thing, it’s a method, and an ongoing one. Things are not “settled” in science!
From the archives:
Basking in Easter.
If you missed this “virtual book club” last time around, consider doing it this year!
In the Liturgical Calendar, it’s still “Easter Day”!
And since March 25, the Solemnity of the Annunciation, fell on Palm Sunday this year, it has been transferred to Monday (the 9th)! (So, despite what the link says, it is not in Lent this year!)
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March 24, 2018
{bits & pieces}
The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
In the hope of figuring out my sourdough issues, I borrowed a bunch of books from the library, including Artisan Baking, which I’ve mentioned here before in my (ridiculously un-systematic, sorry) bread posts. I decided to make this corn bread from the Hi-Rise bakery in Boston, to go with our chili tonight.
One batch of rolls is for a friend who just had a baby — I made a huge pot of chili and doubled this bread recipe, so I got two loaves and two trays of rolls out of it.
The dough does have a good bit of honey in it (I also swapped some of the honey for molasses, just because to me, marrying who I did — Mr. Boston — a yeasted corn bread is “Anadama bread” and needs molasses). But this means it browns really quickly, so I had to resort to an aluminum foil cap for these loaves before they were quite cooked through! And wasn’t completely successful, oh well…
They have fresh corn in them as well as cornmeal — I’m looking forward to supper tonight!
On to our links:
Sooner or later you will, if you have not already, come across a specific instance of transgender ideology in the form of a little boy or girl who is confused about his or her sex. Start reading up now, because the propaganda on this subject is overwhelming, completely unscientific, and intolerant of criticism. Here’s a place to start: I’m a Pediatrician. How Transgender Ideology Has Infiltrated My Field and Produced Large-Scale Child Abuse. I’ve started the tag “transgender” so you can pull up articles I’ve linked to. Decide now that you will never lie about whether a person is a boy or a girl, not even to avoid hurt feelings. Lying is a serious sin, endangering our soul, and society can’t survive where people lie to each other.
This year is the 60th anniversary of the publication of Russell Kirk’s The Conservative Mind. Two retrospective articles: Russell Kirk as Historian and The Age of Sentiments.
You are aware of Bartleby, right? So many resources for the curriculum. I can’t believe I never stumbled across this until now (or maybe I did but it’s been so long!): The Student’s Course in Literature: The Library of the World’s Best Literature, Edited by Gerhard Richard Lomer. Do you know anything about it? Prepare to lose yourself in a vast rabbit hole…
Pretty funny — a real letter to the Pennsylvania environmental agency.
If I had the time to blog and weren’t instead working on my manuscript, I’d do a separate post about Ida Elizabeth, a novel by Sigrid Undset of Kristen Lavransdatter fame. I think that this book would make an excellent choice for a reading group if the members want something really meaty to dig into and are willing to commit a chunk of time, perhaps along with Leila Miller’s Primal Loss. Undset examines the effect of divorce on children through the character of their mother, a woman who realizes that pursuing her own self-realization is not finally an option that is open to her, simply because she is responsible for the happiness of the children she has brought into the world. This essay, Sigrid Undset’s Ida Elisabeth: The Moral Nobility of a Loving Woman, would make good companion reading.
Do you have a child with eczema? I did, but it was long ago. I found that I had to be very careful about extra rinsing in the laundry, never using softener, and using good detergent that doesn’t leave a residue (detergent has surfactants that bond with dirt and cleansers to rinse away — soap doesn’t, and liquids with lots of perfumes won’t get the job done). I made sure that only cotton touched his skin, and I realize now that I am conditioned to cringe when someone puts a child in a polyester (fleece) blanket sleeper with no cotton in between the skin and that layer, because the sweat will build up and not have anywhere to go, resulting in more rash. And I used plenty of petroleum jelly, generously applied after bathing. I was surprised that 35 years have not made this advice obsolete! Petroleum Jelly Might Be The Answer To A $3.8 Billion Health Problem.
Two things I already posted on the blog’s Facebook page, but in case you are off there for any reason, here you go:
I wouldn’t say this is everything you need to know, but it’s a good post to read about the upcoming Sacred Triduum!
St. Joseph in the medieval Mystery Plays — we saw this one performed at Thomas More College (outdoors! in the freezing!) in Advent. Having just celebrated that great saint’s feast, I thought it was appropriate to bring it up. I would love to see homeschooling groups and parishes go in for (at least parts of!) these fantastic mystery plays…
From the archives:
Dear Auntie Leila: I don’t know how to get ready for Easter!
A few things to get ready for the Easter Triduum.
(We will see you on the other side! A blessed Easter to you all!)
Today is the feast of St. Catherine of Sweden. Tomorrow is Palm Sunday; [edited to say] in the old calendar last Sunday was called Passion Sunday — it’s well to remember this, so that we can move into next week with a holy sense of penitence, warmed with gratitude on Holy Thursday as the Triduum begins.
If you are hoping to see more pictures of the kids and everyday doings (at least, maybe more after Lent is over!), do follow us on Instagram! The links are below.
While you’re sharing our links with your friends, why not tell them about Like Mother, Like Daughter too!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
Follow us:
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Auntie Leila’s Pinterest.
Rosie’s Pinterest.
Sukie’s Pinterest.
Deirdre’s Pinterest.
Habou’s Pinterest.
Bridget’s Pinterest.
Auntie Leila’s Ravelry.
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Bridget’s Instagram.
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