Beverly Engel's Blog, page 4

Why Shame is the Most Damaging Aspect of Emotional Abuse

Heal your shame in order to end an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse and shame go hand in hand—a perfect marriage, so to speak. Shame is a significant factor in emotional abuse since it is the primary damage caused by emotional abuse. It is also the primary tool used by abusers and the source of emotionally abusive behavior in abusers.

Coming to identify how shame is affecting you and understanding how shame works to diminish you will be taking the first step toward escaping from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Shaming slowly whittles away at the victim’s self-esteem and self-confidence and makes her question her perceptions and eventually, her very sanity. Weakened, worn down, and confused, the victim loses her ability to fight back.

The effects of the type of debilitating or “toxic shame” that victims of emotional abuse experience include:

Feelings of self-hatred or self-loathingSelf-destructiveness (self-harm, thoughts of suicide, engaging in dangerous activities)Self-neglect (starving oneself, depriving oneself of proper nutrition, not taking care of necessary dental or medical needs)Addictive behavior (alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping)Rage (easily angered, yelling, abuse of children)Isolation

In order to gain the courage, strength, and determination to confront an abuser and/or end an emotionally abusive relationship, victims need to rid themselves of their shame. Shame is by far the most destructive aspect of emotional abuse and it can be the most difficult to heal.

Shame causes victims to stay in an abusive relationship because it makes them feel so bad about themselves that they come to believe that no one else would ever want them. When you are consistently shamed you come to feel you are worthless and unlovable, that you are damaged beyond repair. Add this to the shame victims feel because they are unable to stand up to the abuser or walk away from the relationship and you can see how emotional abuse creates a prison of shame. Just as surely as someone who is locked up behind bars has no freedom and very little choice, victims of emotional abuse feel trapped and powerless.

Escaping the prison of shame that confines you and continues to wear you down is not an easy task. You will need to learn that the abuse is not your fault—a monumental task in itself. Then you need to begin to believe that you deserve to be treated with more respect and consideration, another monumental task. Next, you need to be able to shore up your confidence in order to begin to stand up for yourself, name the abuse, and set boundaries. Finally, you may need to build even more confidence in order to walk away from the abuser, often someone you still love.

In my new book, Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve, I share my step-by-step program that will help you complete all these difficult tasks—a program that will help you to heal your shame, free you from the clutches of an abusive partner and become more empowered.

Even when a victim becomes aware that she or he is being emotionally abused, many have come to believe that no one else would ever want them or that they can’t make it on their own without the abuser. This, in turn, adds to their shame. They chastise themselves with statements like, “How can I be so weak that I stay with someone who abuses me like this? What is wrong with me?” Many hide the fact that they are being abused from their family and friends due to shame. Yet keeping this secret creates even more shame. Soon you have an environment of shame—a prison of shame.

In addition to the shame that victims suffer from the actual abuse, they also feel shame for the following reasons:

They feel shame that they are with an emotional abuser in the first place. There should be absolutely no shame in the fact that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship because it can happen to anyone. Victims of emotional abuse cover a wide range of ages, races, social status, economic status, genders, and sexual preferences. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, how powerful you are, or how much money you have. You were not stupid or naïve for becoming attracted to an abusive person. Many smart, well-educated, savvy women and men have found themselves in your situation. Most abusers present themselves as caring, emotionally healthy individuals, not the shame-inducing, controlling, manipulating people that they turn out to be. So stop blaming yourself for not seeing through their facade or for not recognizing the abusive side to your partner.A major reason why emotional abusers can be difficult to spot is the fact that many victims of emotional abuse experienced what is referred to as “betrayal trauma” as a child or adolescent. Early experiences of personal violation such as child sexual abuse by parents and other caretakers, referred to as betrayal trauma, interferes with a victim’s ability to make healthy decisions about whom to trust. Betrayal trauma results in “damaged trust mechanisms” linked to decreased capacity to feel the anticipatory anxiety that usually accompanies dangerous situations. In other words, those who experienced betrayal trauma experience an inability to decipher potentially emotionally unhealthy situations.

Shame for Not Walking Away

You also should not blame yourself for not walking away at the first signs of abuse. After all, you love your partner and you wanted to give him or her the benefit of the doubt. You wanted to believe his promises to never treat you like that again.

Victims of emotional abuse tend to minimize their partner’s abusive behavior and the effect it is having on them. For example, in spite of the fact that your partner’s abusive behavior was escalating, you may have assured yourself that it wasn’t that bad. You may have heard about or read stories about intimate partner abuse or domestic violence, horrific stories where the abused partner was battered, tortured, or even murdered. Hearing about these physically violent examples of abuse may have made it harder for you to recognize that you were being emotionally abused. After all, your partner never hit you, never pushed you into a wall, never locked you in a room.

Shame for Not Standing Up for Yourself

Victims of emotional abuse are often criticized for not standing up for themselves when their partner first became abusive. But here too, most abusers are very adept at handling concerns voiced by their partners. Each time you noticed something you didn’t like about your partner, he may have passed it off as you being too critical. He or she may have even listened to your concerns and apologized profusely in order to rein you back in. For example, she apologized for being so jealous and promised to never let it happen again, he may have explained that he was under a lot of pressure at work and apologized for taking it out on you.

Even as you began to recognize that the troubling behavior was not going away or that it was even getting worse, your partner may have been able to convince you that the problems you were having in the relationship were “normal” and that the two of you just needed to work together to create a better relationship. This usually involved you needing to change in some way in order for him to stop misbehaving. You may have begun to hear the all too often words, “If only you’d do this, I wouldn’t do that.”

Eventually, you may have come to realize that the problems were not normal and that in fact, it wasn’t you who needed to change. You may have tried again to bring up his or her unacceptable behavior. Unfortunately, even this direct approach didn’t work. First of all, emotional abusers are often experts at twisting your words and talking circles around you. For example, abusive partners often resort to yelling, cursing and name-calling when you attempt to stand up to them or push back on their demands. You may have come to the conclusion that if you want to keep the peace it is better to just comply with your partner’s wishes.

Another tactic is to use shaming or guilt trips to manipulate you. When victims attempt to stand up to their partners or call them on their offensive behavior, abusers often play the victim and say things to you like: “I can’t believe you really believe this about me. Don’t you know that all I want is to make you happy? But no matter what I do, you are never satisfied. Frankly, I wonder if you are incapable of being happy.”

Unless you recognize your shame and begin to heal it, your hands will feel tied in terms of being able to escape your relationship. Shame will cause you to curl up and make yourself feel smaller at a time when you need to stand up and feel empowered. It will cause you to blame yourself for your partner’s actions and to feel badly about how you have reacted to the abuse at times. In order to gain the courage, strength, and determination to confront an abuser and/or end an emotionally abusive relationship, victims need to rid themselves of their shame.

By focusing on healing your shame you will begin to believe in yourself and in your right to be happy. I have developed a Shame Reduction Program, which I will outline in the next article on emotional abuse. By practicing these strategies my hope is that you will come to see an abuser’s lies for what they are—attempts to control, manipulate, and imprison you.

References

Engel, Beverly. (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York, NY: Kensington Publishing Corp.

Fighting the Temptation to Go Back to An Emotional Abuser

Three important steps to help you stay strong when you are tempted.KEY POINTSIt is normal to consider going back to an emotional abuser, but following three steps could help you gain clarity and courage.The steps include asking yourself if you are considering going back out of fear, and noticing how you have felt since ending the relationship.Another important step is remembering how you felt during the relationship.Those who are finally able to end an abusive relationship often find that they are sometimes tempted to go back to their abuser. If this happens to you, it doesn’t mean you are weak or masochistic. It just means that it is difficult to let go of someone you love, difficult to leave the past behind, and difficult to start all over again. In this post, I address these difficulties head-on and offer suggestions as to how to deal with them in a way that exhibits self-care and a desire for a better life. This includes the following three steps:

Step 1: Consider whether you are tempted to go back because of fear—the fear of being alone, of not making it on your own, or the fear of the unknown.

Step 2: Notice how you feel since you ended the relationship.

Step 3: Remember what it was like.

Step 1: Consider whether you are tempted to go back because of fear—the fear of being alone, of not making it on your own, or the fear of the unknown.

You may have only negative associations or memories about being alone. For example, as a child you may have often been left alone and this may have been a frightening experience. You may have memories of deep sadness and loneliness because you often had no one to comfort you or keep you company, even in difficult times. You may have associated being alone with feeling unloved, unwanted, or unacceptable. Your thinking may have been: there must be something wrong with me, otherwise my parents (and others) would want to be around me. For any or all of these reasons, being alone now may catapult you back in time and bring up sad and painful memories. You may feel overwhelmed and desperate imagining being alone for the rest of your life.

You may also be afraid to be on your own. This is also understandable. It may be the first time in your life you have been completely on your own, especially if you went directly from your parents’ home to marriage. The chances are your ex-partner was constantly telling you what to do—even what to think. As much as this made you feel incompetent, his or her controlling ways may have also kept you from having to make your own decisions. Needing to make your own decisions now—about everything from what kind of job to look for to who you can associate with—can be a daunting task. Having to be completely responsible for yourself can feel overwhelming.

You may have spent your entire life feeling like life was controlling you instead of you being in charge of your own life. You may have felt like others were always the ones in charge, always the ones making the rules. If this is the case, it can be particularly challenging for you to be on your own—away from your partner, solely responsible for your own life, no one telling you what to do, needing to make your own decisions, and guiding your own path.

It is important that you come to realize that you are fully capable of directing your own path. You don’t need anyone or anything telling you what to do, or how to be. Your task is to find this out for yourself and the best way to do this is to step out, to take the risk of individuating—of stepping away from everyone; your parents, your ex-partner—and declaring yourself to the world. Like an artist taking the risk of presenting their artwork to the public, you now have the opportunity to present your true self to the world.

You can begin by saying what you really feel instead of what you think you should say, including saying “no” more often. You can do something you’ve always wanted to do but were too afraid to take the chance. You can focus on taking care of your mind, body, and spirit better than you ever have before.

It will no doubt be difficult for a while but instead of running back to your abuser, give yourself a chance to find out that you can make it on your own. In time you will begin to understand that you have more ability, more strength, and more personal power than you’ve thought you had. And in time, you can discover that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Instead of associating being alone with abandonment, rejection, or a sign of your being unwanted or unlovable, it can become associated with freedom and independence.

Step 2: Notice how you feel since you ended the relationship

Although it will no doubt be painful to be without your partner and you will undoubtedly grieve the ending of the relationship, most people who end an emotionally abusive relationship soon realize that there are some positive things happening to them.

Exercise: What Seems Better

Write down all the things that you notice that seem better since you’ve ended the relationship. This can include things about yourself: such as how you are feeling emotionally and physically; the way you perceive yourself; your attitude; the way you operate in the world; the way you feel around other people. It can also include things about your children, such as: the fact that they seem more relaxed; that they are laughing and being silly more often; that they are doing better in school.

Here is a sampling of some of the things former clients have shared with me after a few months or even a few weeks of leaving their abusive partner:

I feel a quietness inside of me. I normally have a lot of chatter going on inside my head—critical self-talk, criticisms, and insults from my partner—but now I just notice quietI notice that I’m more often in my body and in the present. I’m not dissociating as much.I believed what he told me without question. Now I’m going back in my mind and realizing that what he said about me wasn’t true. I’m seeing myself in a totally different light. I actually like myself now.I have more self-confidence now that I’m away from her. In fact, I’m remembering that I had a lot more self-confidence before I got involved with my wife.I’m not confused all the time.I no longer feel hopeless about my life. Now I’m feeling more hopeful, even more optimistic.I have more energy and enthusiasm than I’ve had in a long time.I lost myself in my relationship with my husband. Now I’m re-discovering myself. I’m finding my way back to myself.I always focused on his needs, on becoming what he wanted me to be. Now it feels good to focus on myself and my own healing.

As time goes by, you may forget about how different (and possibly positive) you feel since ending the relationship, so referring to your list of changes can be helpful. It will be especially beneficial to revisit this list when you are going through a particularly difficult time and considering going back. Also, if you end up returning to your partner but discover you made a mistake, having this list available can help remind you of how good it felt to be away from him and can give you the courage and strength to leave again.

Step 3: Remember what it was like

Anytime you have the urge to return to your ex-partner, keep in mind the damage the relationship had on your self-esteem, your health, and your sanity, as well as the amount of time it took you to regain your peace of mind. In my book, Escaping Emotional Abuse, I asked readers to keep a log of all the abusive incidents they experienced as a way of helping them to face the truth about their situation and to counter periods of denial and “amnesia” as to how bad it really is. If you haven’t made such a list, please do so now. I also encourage you to do the following exercise:

Exercise: Why I Left

List all the reasons why you ended the relationship. For example: fear, humiliation, loss of self-esteem, the fact that you had begun to question your perceptions and your very sanity, physical danger, the way the abuse was affecting your children.Go over your list from time to time, especially during those times when you feel the strongest pull toward going back to your partner.

If you continue to struggle, you may need to review these lists more than once. I also recommend counseling at this point if you haven’t already started.

Before you seriously consider going back to your ex-partner, there is still one more important step: consider whether your ex-partner has made significant changes. I will write about this in my next post.

References

Engel, Beverly. (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York, N.Y. Kensington Publishing Corp.

When You Need to End an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Stefano LunardiSource: 123RF Stock Photo7 signs that it’s critical to end your relationship for your health and safety.KEY POINTSPeople often avoid confronting the consequences of an emotionally abusive relationship.Signs that it is critical to end the relationship include physical abuse, abuse toward children, and fantasizing about harming a partner.Individual therapy can help people emotionally and logistically prepare to leave their partner.Stefano LunardiSource: 123RF Stock Photo

Even when someone realizes they are being emotionally abused, they aren’t necessarily prepared to end the relationship. This is because most victims suffer from horrible, debilitating shame, shame that robs them of their motivation to take action, shame that prevents them from believing they deserve anything better. But in spite of the fact that you may feel ill-prepared to leave the relationship, there are some circumstances that indicate that you absolutely must become prepared to end it.

Deal Breakers in Relationships

If any of the following circumstances exist in your relationship, it is essential that you end your relationship as soon as possible:

1. Your children are being emotionally, physically or sexually abused by your partner. The truth is that it is rare for emotional abusers to confine their criticism and controlling behavior to their partner. A person who is critical, demanding, rejecting and difficult to please generally treats everyone in his life in a similar way, especially those closest to him. Don’t continue to be blind to the way your partner treats your children, or to make excuses for his or her behavior.

If you can’t walk away from the abuse, get professional help. Therapy will help you continue to heal your shame and build up your self-esteem still further so you can gain the courage to do what you know is right for you and your children. You are probably who you are today primarily because of the way your parents (or other caretakers) treated you. Don’t continue the cycle of abuse by exposing your children to the same unacceptable behavior you grew up with.

If your children are being physically or sexually abused by your partner it is vital that you get the children away from him or her immediately, even if this means your children go to stay with family or friends. Each day your child is exposed to such violence, irreparable harm is being done to your child’s mind, body and spirit.

2. You are witnessing the damage the emotional abuse is doing to your children. Not only are they being damaged in the present by witnessing abusive behavior but you are providing them poor role models and setting them up to be victims or abusers. Many children who become bullies or victims of bullies in school witnessed emotional or physical abuse in their own homes.

If one of your children is exhibiting bullying or abusive behavior toward his or her siblings or classmates, this is a giant red flag that your child is being negatively affected by your relationship with your partner. The same is true if one or more of your children are exhibiting victim-like behavior—being unable to stand up for themselves or becoming more and more passive. Unless you and your partner are actively working on stopping the abuse, such as each of you working with a professional therapist individually, you are sacrificing the emotional health of your children by choosing to stay together.

3. You have become emotionally, physically or sexually abusive toward your children. If, as a result of being emotionally abused by your partner you have begun to take your anger, shame and pain out on your own children, you need to find a way to stop abusing them. The most effective way will be for you to get away from your partner.

If you can’t leave your partner yet, the most loving thing you can do for your children is to separate yourself from them for their protection. You can send your children to live with friends or relatives (as long as it isn’t the same person who abused you as a child) while you get professional help. Believe me, you will earn their respect and gratitude when they learn why you did this.

4. Your partner is physically abusing you or is threatening to do so. You’ve undoubtedly heard this before: Many abusers start out by emotionally abusing their partner and work their way up to physical abuse. The more he or she is allowed to emotionally abuse you, the more permission they have to become physically abusive. If he or she has already hit you, even if it was “just a slap,” you are in danger. The same holds true of behaviors such as pushing, shoving, pinning you down or holding you captive against your will. All of these behaviors indicate that your partner has lost control of himself and are danger signs for you. In some cases, it may indicate that your partner has become mentally unstable.

Don’t fool yourself. If he has become violent with you once, he will do it again and the next time it will be worse. Don’t accept the excuse that he was drunk or high. He hit you because he has a problem. Drinking or using drugs may exacerbate his problem, but it is not an excuse.

Neither should you allow your partner to use the excuse that she has an emotional problem such as Borderline Personality Disorder. While it is true that those with this disorder can become out of control and physically violent, this is still no excuse. She needs to take responsibility for her behavior by seeking the professional help she needs. If your partner refuses to seek professional help I advise you to separate from her until she does so. Otherwise, every day you stay in this relationship you are endangering your emotional and physical well-being, and possibly your very life.

5. You have reached a point where you are becoming physically abusive. If you have become so frustrated and angry that you have begun to act out your anger in a physical way, you could hurt your partner seriously next time or push him into hurting you. Either way, it’s time to leave. Even if you “only slapped or pushed” your partner, unless you get professional help you are putting your partner in more danger as each day goes by.

It is not only important that you end the relationship but that you seek psychotherapy to help you heal the damage you’ve experienced. If you honestly feel that you are not an abusive person by nature but that your partner has pushed you into becoming violent, then the best thing for both of you is for you to end the relationship. Even if your partner suffers from a mental or emotional disorder of some kind, you are not helping either of you by staying.

6. You have begun to fantasize about harming or killing your partner. If you have reached this point, you likely feel trapped and believe there is no way out of your abusive relationship. But the reality is that there is a way out. You may need to get professional help in order to gain the courage and strength to leave, or if you are afraid for your physical safety, you may need to contact the police or go to a domestic violence shelter.

In either case, you need to realize that there is certainly a better way out than risking being in prison for the rest of your life or being overwhelmed with guilt for the rest of your life because of the physical harm you caused your partner.

7. You are seriously questioning your sanity. If your partner is using gaslighting techniques on you and you are beginning to distrust your own perceptions, it is time to end the relationship. The longer you stay the more you will doubt yourself and your sanity, the harder it will be to leave, and the more your mental health will be jeopardized.

References

Engel, Beverly (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York: NY: Citadel Press

Recovering from the Lasting Shame of Emotional Abuse

After escaping an emotionally abusive relationship, shame needs to be healed.For victims of emotional abuse, shame causes damage to their perceptions of themselves, ongoing disgust and humiliation, and self-criticism for putting up with the abuse.Working to reduce shame is an important part of the healing process.Changing one’s posture, such as sitting up straighter and expanding one’s chest, can help eliminate shame and make people feel more empowered.Practicing self-compassion can also help as it releases oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness.Validating yourself, for instance by writing yourself a letter, and having others validate your experience of abuse can help heal shame too.

Even those who have managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship need to continue to heal their shame. This is because shame carves deep scars in people who have endured emotional abuse. These scars include:

Damage to your core perception of yourself and your identity;Continuing to be overwhelmed with feelings of disgust and humiliation;Continuing to chastise yourself for putting up with the abuse.

You, like many former victims, may be haunted by the realization that you put up with the abuse for too long, the shame of having kept the secret from friends and family, and the continuing tendency to question whether the failure of the relationship was somehow your fault. If this isn’t enough, shame can poison your belief in yourself, including your belief that you can make it on your own; your belief that anyone will ever love you again; the belief that you are capable of choosing a healthy, safe partner in the future.

All this shame needs to be healed. It needs to be addressed head-on and banished from your body, mind, and spirit. In a previous blog post, I discussed my shame reduction program. In this post, I will offer more ways for you to continue to heal your shame, including learning more specific compassionate attitudes and skills that can reverse your tendency to view yourself in blaming, condemning, and self-critical ways.

Olga YastremskaSource: 123RF Stock PhotoChanging Your Posture to Heal Shame

Our body communicates to ourselves and to others how we feel about ourselves. For example, our posture lets us and others know how we perceive ourselves. Working with body posture has proven effective in helping clients to eliminate shame and begin to feel more empowered. Case in point, recently, trauma experts such as Peter Levine and Bessel van der Kolk have been working with clients on helping them change their posture from the typical shame posture of slumping their shoulders, curling their chest in, and head down to a more empowering one of head up, chest out and shoulders back.

The following body exercise will help you begin to change your posture, which in turn can help you change your emotions and your mind.

Exercise: Taking the Shame Out of Your Posture

Sit in a chair the way you normally do. If you can sit in front of a mirror, that is ideal but it isn’t necessary. Notice your posture. Are you slumped over or are you sitting straight? Are your shoulders pulled back or are they slumped forward, almost as if they are protecting your chest area?Notice how your posture makes you feel? Do you feel low energy? Do you feel passive?Now pull your shoulders back and sit up straighter. Imagine that there is an imaginary string attached to your head and that someone is pulling on the string and making your head lift. Take a deep breath and expand your chest, almost like you are Tarzan pounding your chest. With each deep breath notice how your chest feels like it is opening up.Notice how you feel now. Do you sense any difference in how you feel emotionally when you sit up straighter, when you expand your chest? If you are sitting near a mirror notice how your appearance has changed.Practice Self-Compassion to Increase Positive Feelings

Continuing to practice self-compassion is the most powerful way for you to heal your shame. In addition to self-compassion being the antidote to shame, it can also act as an antidote to self-criticism—a major tendency of those who experience intense shame. Research has found that self-compassion is a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin, the hormone that increases feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness.

Self-criticism, on the other hand, has a very different effect on our bodies. The amygdala, the oldest part of the brain, is designed to quickly detect threats in the environment. When we experience a threatening situation, the fight-or-flight response is triggered and the amygdala sends signals that increase blood pressure, adrenaline, and the hormone cortisol, mobilizing the strength and energy we need to confront or avoid the threat. Although our bodies created this system to deal with physical attacks, it is activated just as readily by emotional attacks—from within and without. Over time, increased cortisol levels lead to depression because they deplete the various neurotransmitters that allow us to experience pleasure.

One of the many benefits of practicing self-compassion is that it releases oxytocin into our body. The following exercise will show you ways to utilize this oxytocin.

Exercise: Utilizing Oxytocin

Bring to mind someone you love. This can be a dear friend, a beloved child or pet, or someone who has offered you love and support, such as a therapist.

Feel the love you feel for this person (or pet) in your body. Notice how it feels. Sense the flow of love from you to them.After you’ve connected to this feeling of love, put your inner self into this flow of love. Continue to feel the empathy and love you felt for your loved one. Let it flow to yourself.If you can, let yourself receive this love and empathy; receive the care, the feeling of being loved and cared for by yourself.The Importance of Validation from Yourself and from Others

There is still another benefit that comes from self-compassion: validation. Put simply, to validate is to confirm. Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s internal experience as mattering. When someone validates another’s experience, the message they send is, “Your feelings make sense. Not only do I hear you, I also understand why you feel as you do. You are not bad or wrong or crazy for feeling the way you do.”

On the other hand, to invalidate means to attack or question the foundation or reality of a person’s feelings. This can be done through denying, ridiculing, ignoring, or judging another person’s feelings. Regardless of the method, the effect is clear: The person feels “wrong.” Because of what you have been through, it is vitally important that your perceptions and your feelings are validated today. Having self-compassion, connecting to one’s own suffering, is a way of validating yourself, your feelings, your perception, and your experience.

It is often a lack of validation that contributes to the development of feelings of guilt and shame as a reaction to negative experiences. For example, if you are like most victims of emotional abuse, you likely have not told anyone about the abuse. Because of this, your experience of the abuse itself has likely never been validated. In order to heal from the abuse and the shame surrounding it, it is important that you receive validation now—from yourself and others.

Self-compassion will help you give yourself the nurturance, understanding, and validation you so desperately need in order to heal your shame and begin to feel worthy of care and acceptance.

Exercise: The Compassionate Letter

Write a “compassionate letter” to yourself in which you offer yourself compassion for all you’ve suffered as a result of the emotional abuse you experienced with your partner. Your letter might start with the following:

“I am so sorry you suffered so much in your marriage. I know it was almost unbearable to put up with that abuse for so many years. I know you felt so trapped and so alone. I know you were afraid to tell anyone what was happening to you because you were afraid they wouldn’t believe you or they would reject you. And since you loved your husband and he was a good father and a good provider, I know you felt guilty just thinking about leaving him. Your husband did so many terrible things to you and said such horrible things to you and I wish this wouldn’t have happened to you. And I wish there had been someone there to comfort you after each and every one of these traumas. You suffered from depression and self-blame afterwards and you became more and more numb. You didn’t deserve to be treated like this.”

Two researchers, Leah B. Shapira and Myriam Mongrain, found in one study they conducted that adults who wrote a compassionate letter to themselves once a day for a week about the distressing events they had experienced showed significant reductions in depression over three months and significant increases in happiness over six months, compared with a control group that was asked to write about early memories.

In addition to validating yourself, you need to be validated by others. I encourage you to tell someone you trust about the fact that you have been emotionally abused. I know it is scary. You may have tried this before and found that the person didn’t believe you or tried to talk you out of trusting your own experience. But you are stronger now and you don’t need someone else believing you in order to know what reality is. You do, however, need to step out of your isolation and discover whether there are those around you who will believe and support you. One of the best places to receive this support is a group for people who are being emotionally abused. Find out if such a group exists in your community.

References

Engel, Beverly. (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York: Kensington Publishing Corp.

8 Signs A Loved One Might Be In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Here’s how to know if a friend or family member could be a victim of mental abuse and what you can do to help them.

Emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be so subtle and insidious that friends, family and even the victims themselves may not recognize the toxic dynamics at play.

At first, the emotionally abusive partner may act in ways that appear loving and attentive on the surface — all part of the “grooming process” to win over the victim. But this period doesn’t last long: Soon, the perpetrator starts to employ abuse tactics such as insulting, criticizing, gaslighting, humiliating, stonewalling and withholding affection, to name a few, in order to gain power and establish control in the relationship.

These behaviors, which often happen behind closed doors, gradually weaken the victim’s self-confidence and self-worth, making them more vulnerable to future abuse.

“Over time, the victim has become so ‘mind-controlled’ that they are only a shell of their original self and spend all their time trying to figure out how to love the abuser better — which never works,” therapist Sharie Stines, who specializes in recovery from abuse, told HuffPost.

We’ve previously written about the signs that you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. But what does this type of toxic dynamic look like from the outside? Below, experts share potential warning signs that could indicate a friend or relative is the victim of emotional abuse.

1. Their partner talks down to them or shares hurtful or embarrassing stories about them in public

Your friend’s significant other may try to pass off rude or critical remarks as “jokes,” then accuse your friend of being “too sensitive” if they say it bothered them. Other times, your friend may even laugh along with their partner, acting like it’s no big deal, even though you can tell it hurt them deep down.

“Even if these comments are supposedly said in a humorous way, putting someone down, especially if done in front of others, is disrespectful and is an expression of hostility,” said psychotherapist Beverly Engel, author of “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.”

2. Your once-confident friend now seems insecure

Your pal used to be self-assured, but lately they’ve been making a lot of uncharacteristically disparaging comments at their own expense.

“Like, ‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘I can’t do anything right’ or ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I’m so forgetful,’” Engel said. “This could very well indicate that they are being emotionally abused by a partner who is extremely critical of them, who constantly blames them, or who has unreasonable expectations of a partner.”

As a result of the gaslighting your loved one might have experienced in their relationship, they may begin to doubt their own judgment and abilities. You may notice this friend now has a hard time making simple decisions on their own.

“They may struggle with deciding what to order at a restaurant or choosing clothing at a store,” said Shannon Thomas, trauma therapist and author of “Healing From Hidden Abuse.” “The more intense the emotional abuse, the greater the challenges are to making even basic decisions.”

3. They blame themselves for anything that goes wrong and apologize profusely afterward

They’ll often say sorry for things that don’t warrant an apology, like small mistakes or things that aren’t their fault.

“Your friend is overly kind and frequently apologizing to you, just in case he/she does something wrong to make you upset,” Stines said. “This person has been conditioned to take the blame and be at fault for every little thing.”

4. They never want to talk about their relationship

If your friend rarely mentions their partner or clams up and changes the subject when you ask how things are going in the relationship, that could be a sign they’re avoiding the issue for a reason.

“This is because they’re ashamed and believe that if they don’t talk about it, no one will find out and in some respects, it didn’t happen,” Stines said.

5. Their partner checks in on them constantly

It’s normal for couples to keep each other in the loop about their schedules or plans for the day. But a partner who calls or texts demanding to know where their S.O. is and who they’re with at all times is controlling and possessive — not caring and concerned.

“You notice that when your loved one spends time with you, they are always in a hurry to get home,” Engel said. “They always make some excuse like: ‘My husband isn’t feeling well’ or ‘We have a delivery coming.’ Their partner has even called you to ask if your loved one has left your house or the restaurant because they aren’t home yet.”

Know that perpetrators of emotional abuse often try to isolate their victims from their friends and family. That way no one can bear witness to the abusive behaviors or give this person the support they need to end the relationship.

6. Your friend’s mood changes after they receive a call or text from their partner

When your friend gets off the phone with their S.O., you sense something’s wrong because their demeanor becomes tense or closed off.

“You will see a shift in the victim’s body language, facial expressions or tone of voice after contact from the abuser,” Thomas said.

7. Their partner has unfettered access to their accounts like email, online banking and social media

An emotionally abusive partner not only knows their partner’s passwords but uses them to log in to certain sites or apps as a way to keep tabs on them.

“They may justify their actions by claiming that this is how they are building trust in the relationship,” said clinical psychologist B. Nilaja Green. “This can be problematic as it tells their partner that they are not allowed to have privacy in their relationship and it blurs emotional boundaries.”

8. When you express your legitimate concerns, your friend dismisses them

“Even with clear evidence that something is off in the relationship, victims will initially try to minimize and deflect attention away from the truth being revealed,” Thomas said. “As a family member or friend, it’s vitally important you don’t also begin to believe the lies told by the victim or even the abuser.”

How You Can Help A Loved One In This Situation

Here’s how you can support someone you believe may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

First, ask if they’re OK

Start by mentioning that you’ve noticed some changes in them of late and you’re concerned.

If your friend denies that anything’s wrong, don’t press the issue just yet, Engel said. You can say something like, “I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk, I’m here. I care about you,” she suggested. Then drop the subject for the time being.

“You’re wanting to plant the seed that someone is noticing what’s happening to them, even as they work hard to hide it,” Thomas said.

If they confide in you, withhold blame or judgment

If your friend decides to open up to you, act as a safe space. Regardless of what they say, don’t pass judgment, as that will only push your loved one away.

“Although we may feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and even confused about how our loved ones can find themselves in an abusive relationship, it is important to refrain from blaming them and further judging and insulting them,” Green said. “They may or may not be able to see their situation as clearly as you can and there may be reasons for them staying in the relationship that may not always be clear [to you].”

Making comments like, “I would never stay,” or “Why do you put up with that?” can do more harm than good.

“Any statements that imply that the victim is stupid or inadequate, while the speaker is superior and ‘too smart’ to make such a foolish decision as to stay with an abuser, will keep the person quiet,” Stines said.

Don’t offer advice right now — just listen

Many victims of emotional abuse don’t tell their loved ones what’s happening because they either blame themselves or feel ashamed of their situation. So if your friend is talking, that’s a big step. Resist the temptation to jump into problem-solving mode right off the bat.

“Don’t push them away with unwanted advice — especially advice to end the relationship,” Engel said. “They need your support but not pressure from you. You want them to feel safe in coming to you again, not feel guilty or bad about themselves that she didn’t follow your advice.”

Don’t tell them what to do; encourage them to make their own decisions

Let your friend know you believe in them and you trust them to do what’s best for them.

“Victims of abuse are only disempowered when their friends start implying that they — the victims — are too incompetent to figure out what to do,” Stines said.

If you want to lend a hand, you can offer your friend a safe place to stay, availability to talk at any time or help them find a therapist or other resources.

Keep track of any abusive behavior you happen to witness

Write down anything concerning you observe between your friend and their partner. Save it as a note in your phone or record a voice memo so you don’t forget.

“Keeping a record for yourself is a helpful grounding technique,” Thomas said. “Loving someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship is extremely painful and may cause you to doubt what you are witnessing.”

Know that exiting the relationship could take time, so be patient

You may want your friend to break up with their partner ASAP but that’s not always realistic or safe. Manage your expectations and remember to take care of yourself too ― it can be taxing to support someone you care about through these difficult circumstances.

“It may take longer for your loved one to extract themselves from the relationship, if they ever do,” Green said. “Although you can be a supportive presence and even offer to help your loved one get connected to resources, it is also important for you to maintain your own emotional boundaries and to get support that you may need.”

8 Signs A Loved One Might Be In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

By Kelsey Borresen | 01/08/2020 05:08pm ESTHere’s how to know if a friend or family member could be a victim of mental abuse and what you can do to help them.

Emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be so subtle and insidious that friends, family and even the victims themselves may not recognize the toxic dynamics at play.

At first, the emotionally abusive partner may act in ways that appear loving and attentive on the surface — all part of the “grooming process” to win over the victim. But this period doesn’t last long: Soon, the perpetrator starts to employ abuse tactics such as insulting, criticizing, gaslighting, humiliating, stonewalling and withholding affection, to name a few, in order to gain power and establish control in the relationship.

These behaviors, which often happen behind closed doors, gradually weaken the victim’s self-confidence and self-worth, making them more vulnerable to future abuse.

“Over time, the victim has become so ‘mind-controlled’ that they are only a shell of their original self and spend all their time trying to figure out how to love the abuser better — which never works,” therapist Sharie Stines, who specializes in recovery from abuse, told HuffPost.

We’ve previously written about the signs that you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. But what does this type of toxic dynamic look like from the outside? Below, experts share potential warning signs that could indicate a friend or relative is the victim of emotional abuse.

1. Their partner talks down to them or shares hurtful or embarrassing stories about them in public

Your friend’s significant other may try to pass off rude or critical remarks as “jokes,” then accuse your friend of being “too sensitive” if they say it bothered them. Other times, your friend may even laugh along with their partner, acting like it’s no big deal, even though you can tell it hurt them deep down.

“Even if these comments are supposedly said in a humorous way, putting someone down, especially if done in front of others, is disrespectful and is an expression of hostility,” said psychotherapist Beverly Engel, author of “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.”

2. Your once-confident friend now seems insecure

Your pal used to be self-assured, but lately they’ve been making a lot of uncharacteristically disparaging comments at their own expense.

“Like, ‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘I can’t do anything right’ or ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I’m so forgetful,’” Engel said. “This could very well indicate that they are being emotionally abused by a partner who is extremely critical of them, who constantly blames them, or who has unreasonable expectations of a partner.”

As a result of the gaslighting your loved one might have experienced in their relationship, they may begin to doubt their own judgment and abilities. You may notice this friend now has a hard time making simple decisions on their own.

“They may struggle with deciding what to order at a restaurant or choosing clothing at a store,” said Shannon Thomas, trauma therapist and author of “Healing From Hidden Abuse.” “The more intense the emotional abuse, the greater the challenges are to making even basic decisions.”

3. They blame themselves for anything that goes wrong and apologize profusely afterward

They’ll often say sorry for things that don’t warrant an apology, like small mistakes or things that aren’t their fault.

“Your friend is overly kind and frequently apologizing to you, just in case he/she does something wrong to make you upset,” Stines said. “This person has been conditioned to take the blame and be at fault for every little thing.”

4. They never want to talk about their relationship

If your friend rarely mentions their partner or clams up and changes the subject when you ask how things are going in the relationship, that could be a sign they’re avoiding the issue for a reason.

“This is because they’re ashamed and believe that if they don’t talk about it, no one will find out and in some respects, it didn’t happen,” Stines said.

5. Their partner checks in on them constantlyIt’s normal for couples to keep each other in the loop about their schedules or plans for the day. But a partner who calls or texts demanding to know where their S.O. is and who they’re with at all times is controlling and possessive — not caring and concerned.

“You notice that when your loved one spends time with you, they are always in a hurry to get home,” Engel said. “They always make some excuse like: ‘My husband isn’t feeling well’ or ‘We have a delivery coming.’ Their partner has even called you to ask if your loved one has left your house or the restaurant because they aren’t home yet.”

Know that perpetrators of emotional abuse often try to isolate their victims from their friends and family. That way no one can bear witness to the abusive behaviors or give this person the support they need to end the relationship.

6. Your friend’s mood changes after they receive a call or text from their partner

When your friend gets off the phone with their S.O., you sense something’s wrong because their demeanor becomes tense or closed off.

“You will see a shift in the victim’s body language, facial expressions or tone of voice after contact from the abuser,” Thomas said.

7. Their partner has unfettered access to their accounts like email, online banking and social media

An emotionally abusive partner not only knows their partner’s passwords but uses them to log in to certain sites or apps as a way to keep tabs on them.

“They may justify their actions by claiming that this is how they are building trust in the relationship,” said clinical psychologist B. Nilaja Green. “This can be problematic as it tells their partner that they are not allowed to have privacy in their relationship and it blurs emotional boundaries.”

8. When you express your legitimate concerns, your friend dismisses them“Even with clear evidence that something is off in the relationship, victims will initially try to minimize and deflect attention away from the truth being revealed,” Thomas said. “As a family member or friend, it’s vitally important you don’t also begin to believe the lies told by the victim or even the abuser.”How You Can Help A Loved One In This Situation

Here’s how you can support someone you believe may be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

First, ask if they’re OK

Start by mentioning that you’ve noticed some changes in them of late and you’re concerned.

If your friend denies that anything’s wrong, don’t press the issue just yet, Engel said. You can say something like, “I just want you to know that if you ever need to talk, I’m here. I care about you,” she suggested. Then drop the subject for the time being.

“You’re wanting to plant the seed that someone is noticing what’s happening to them, even as they work hard to hide it,” Thomas said.

If they confide in you, withhold blame or judgment

If your friend decides to open up to you, act as a safe space. Regardless of what they say, don’t pass judgment, as that will only push your loved one away.

“Although we may feel frustrated, angry, disappointed and even confused about how our loved ones can find themselves in an abusive relationship, it is important to refrain from blaming them and further judging and insulting them,” Green said. “They may or may not be able to see their situation as clearly as you can and there may be reasons for them staying in the relationship that may not always be clear [to you].”

Making comments like, “I would never stay,” or “Why do you put up with that?” can do more harm than good.

“Any statements that imply that the victim is stupid or inadequate, while the speaker is superior and ‘too smart’ to make such a foolish decision as to stay with an abuser, will keep the person quiet,” Stines said.

Don’t offer advice right now — just listen

Many victims of emotional abuse don’t tell their loved ones what’s happening because they either blame themselves or feel ashamed of their situation. So if your friend is talking, that’s a big step. Resist the temptation to jump into problem-solving mode right off the bat.

“Don’t push them away with unwanted advice — especially advice to end the relationship,” Engel said. “They need your support but not pressure from you. You want them to feel safe in coming to you again, not feel guilty or bad about themselves that she didn’t follow your advice.”

Don’t tell them what to do; encourage them to make their own decisions

Let your friend know you believe in them and you trust them to do what’s best for them.

“Victims of abuse are only disempowered when their friends start implying that they — the victims — are too incompetent to figure out what to do,” Stines said.

If you want to lend a hand, you can offer your friend a safe place to stay, availability to talk at any time or help them find a therapist or other resources.

Keep track of any abusive behavior you happen to witnessWrite down anything concerning you observe between your friend and their partner. Save it as a note in your phone or record a voice memo so you don’t forget.

“Keeping a record for yourself is a helpful grounding technique,” Thomas said. “Loving someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship is extremely painful and may cause you to doubt what you are witnessing.”

Know that exiting the relationship could take time, so be patient

You may want your friend to break up with their partner ASAP but that’s not always realistic or safe. Manage your expectations and remember to take care of yourself too ― it can be taxing to support someone you care about through these difficult circumstances.

“It may take longer for your loved one to extract themselves from the relationship, if they ever do,” Green said. “Although you can be a supportive presence and even offer to help your loved one get connected to resources, it is also important for you to maintain your own emotional boundaries and to get support that you may need.”

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Has Been Sexually Abused

By Vanessa Marin – Feb. 2019











 

It’s an especially difficult time to be a survivor of sexual abuse or assault. On top of the daily struggle to stay safe and healthy, sexual abuse survivors also have to contend with an endlessly triggering news cycle.

If you’re not a survivor yourself but you’re close to one — maybe a partner, friend or family member — you may not be able to fully understand what they’re going through, and you may feel confused or lost about how to best support them. Here’s what you need to know, and how you can be supportive.

Listen to their story (if they want to talk)
If your partner or friend seems to be struggling, let them know you’re available if they need to talk. If you haven’t already, listen to their story, if they’re ready to tell you. They may also want to express their anger, frustration, fear or sadness about recent news events. Don’t pressure your friend into talking or telling you their story, but let them know you’re open to listening to whatever they want to share.

In an email, Beverly Engel, psychotherapist and author of “It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself From the Shame of Childhood Abuse With the Power of Self-Compassion” recommended you ask — especially if the person is your romantic partner — if they want physical contact (like holding hands or a hug) as they tell their story, but otherwise default to giving them physical space while they speak. Just telling their story can be emotionally daunting, and can bring back memories.

“Don’t let your own feelings of anger or sadness get in the way of you being there for your partner,” Ms. Engel said. Getting angry, even at the person who did this to your friend or loved one won’t help, she said. In fact, it could just scare your friend into closing off. Your job isn’t to “fix” your friend, make them feel better, or take their pain away. Your job is simply to listen.

It’s especially important to believe your friend’s story. It’s sad that this has to be said, but that’s the climate that we’re in right now. Let them know that above all, you believe them.

Wendy Maltz, sex and relationship therapist and author of “The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse,” offered this handy list of possible responses:

“Thank you for sharing.”
“You are not to blame for what happened to you.”
“You didn’t deserve what happened to you.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“You are not what was done to you.”
“That was abuse, not healthy sexuality.”
“I support you in your healing process.”
“I respect you for addressing this.”
“I love you.”

Educate yourself

While every survivor and each story is unique, it’s useful to educate yourself on the impacts of sexual abuse. It’s not the responsibility of a survivor to educate you — especially when it’s so easy to read more on your own — and being informed beforehand will make you a better partner in recovery. Books are a great place to start.

Ms. Engel recommended reading the books “Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child” by Laura Davis and “Sexual Assault [Rape]: Moving From Victim to Survivor” by Lizyvette Ramos. The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network(RAINN) also has a section on its website about post-abuse recovery.

As a psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, I work with a lot of sexual abuse survivors and their partners. The impacts of sexual abuse can be extremely difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced the abuse yourself, and it may help to learn some of the common impacts that abuse can have on a loved one. Here are some common ones I see in my practice. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and remember, each survivor’s experience is unique.

Dissociation: A survivor’s body can be physically present, but their mind can be in a completely different place, especially during intimate moments.
Getting triggered: Survivors might jump or tense up when someone gets too close, even if it’s someone they love and trust. Certain words, actions, sounds, gestures or even smells could send them into a heightened state of agitation. Many sexual abuse survivors can also be hypervigilant.
Difficulty making healthy decisions: Some sexual abuse survivors find it tricky to make healthy decisions about their sex lives after abuse. They might have poor body image or low self esteem. They may find themselves becoming intimate with people who don’t respect them, or in situations that feel unsafe.
Low libido or an avoidance of sex: Many survivors don’t want to revisit the specific activities that traumatized them.
Shame: Many survivors feel as if they’re broken or damaged goods. Male sexual abuse survivors can feel a different kind of shame, since male sexual abuse isn’t discussed nearly as often, and carries a different kind of stigma.

This list shouldn’t be used to diagnose your loved one, but rather, to give you a foundation if your loved one wants to discuss the ways their abuse may affect their life.

Be an ongoing source of support

Your friend or loved one is most likely going to continue having reactions to the news, family dinner conversations, intimacy or even seemingly random events. Here’s what you can do in those moments:

Keep listening. Don’t try to give advice or fix the problem. Just listen.
Let them feel their feelings. It can be extremely difficult to see someone you love in pain, but they need space to express themselves. Don’t say things like, “Cheer up” or “Don’t cry.” Stay by their side as they work through their feelings.
Let your loved one know you’re on their team. Tell them you’re happy to turn off the TV, get out of the house or leave an event with them.
Ask if your friend or loved one needs anything from you. They may not always have an answer, but it’s nice to make it clear that you want to be supportive and engaged.

Practice self-care

Encourage your loved one to get as much support as they can. This might include psychotherapy, sex therapy, support groups, crisis lines or talking to other trusted loved ones.

RAINN has a handy tool for finding resources in your area. The National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-656-HOPE (4673). You can always offer to take them to their appointments, take them out for lunch after a meeting, or even join the session.

However, it’s ultimately up to your loved one to make their own decisions about their healing process. Ms. Maltz advised: “While healing is a process you can participate in, it’s not something you can control or make happen. Survivors heal on their own timelines, based on their own readiness and motivation. Healing is more likely to take place when the survivor leads, and you work as a team together — both partners in a healing process.”

It’s also important for you to get your own support. Mike Lew, author of “Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering From Sexual Child Abuse,” noted, “People who love survivors go through a parallel process to that of the survivors themselves, often with less support, fewer resources, and the feeling that they don’t deserve the support because it wasn’t done to them.” It’s hard to hear the story of someone you love being abused. Understand that you may have your own reactions, and you deserve support too. Consider getting personal therapy of your own. (You can use the RAINN locator tool too.)

Honor their recovery

Recovering from sexual abuse is a long process that is never truly over. The path to recovery can also look different for each survivor, but Ms. Maltz noted that the most common steps include “recognizing what happened, identifying repercussions, resolving feelings about the past abuse and the perpetrator (or perpetrators), stopping negative behaviors, reclaiming personal power, relearning touch, addressing sex and intimacy concerns, and more.”

“Be patient,” Ms. Maltz said. “That’s probably the biggest gift you can give.” Along the way, it’s important for you and your loved one to acknowledge and honor your hard work. You can do an activity together after every therapy session, like cooking a special meal, or going on a walk. Or get away for a weekend when the news cycle becomes too much to bear. The healing process can feel like two steps forward, one step back, but any sort of progress deserves recognition.

Vanessa Marin

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy and online courses. You can find her on the web here, or follow her on Twitter @VMTherapy.

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Stop Shaming Victims of Sexual Assault for Not Reporting

Ten (understandable) reasons why victims of sexual assault do not report.

Being sexually assaulted in one of the most shame-inducing traumas that a person can experience. So it is understandable that victims don’t need to be further shamed by being shamed for not reporting the crime. And yet, that is exactly what happens whenever we hear, for the first time, about a sexual assault that occurred months or years ago. “Why didn’t she report it before?” we ask. “Why didn’t she come forward a long time ago, right after it happened?”

Sixty-three percent of sexual assaults are not reported. Why is this the case? This article is intended to answer that question. I wrote a similar article on why women don’t come forward when they are sexually harassed at work and received a lot of positive feedback thanking me for explaining this phenomena. I hope this article will be as beneficial in addressing sexual assault.

Not every victim reacts the same way or has the same reasons for not reporting, but based on my forty years working as a psychotherapist I believe there are ten major reasons for non-reporting:

1. Victims are too ashamed to come forward. Shame is at the core of the intense emotional wounding women (and men) experience when they are sexually violated. Sexual assault is, by its very nature, humiliating and dehumanizing. The victim feels invaded and defiled while simultaneously experiencing the indignity of being helpless and at the mercy of another person.

This is what a former client shared with me about her experience of being shamed by a sexual assault:

“I felt so humiliated when I was raped. I felt dirty and disgusting. The thought of this horrible man being inside me made me want to vomit. I felt contaminated. I didn’t want to see anyone. I was afraid to look anyone in the eyes because I felt so much shame.”

—Sylvia, age 24

Victims of sexual assault also feel shame because as human beings we want to believe that we have control over what happens to us. When that personal power is challenged by a victimization of any kind, we believe we “should have” been able to defend ourselves. And because we weren’t able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless. This powerlessness causes us to feel further humiliated. This is especially true for boys and men who are sexually assaulted since males are raised to believe they should be tough and strong and be able to fight off any attacker. Males who were unable to do so experience horrific shame.

2. Victims of sexual assault blame themselves. Most victims of sexual assault blame themselves in some way. This is true whether the victim is male or female, young or old.

I have first-hand experience with this self-blame, which I wrote about in my newly published memoir, Raising Myself: A Memoir of Neglect, Shame and Growing Up Too Soon:

“My mother was asleep when I got home, so I hid my bloody underwear and torn dress where she wouldn’t find them and went to bed. As I lay alone in my dark room I vowed to myself that I would never tell anyone what happened, not even my mother—or rather, especially not my mother. I felt so alone with my pain, but I didn’t feel like I deserved any comforting. Mostly, I didn’t want anyone to know what a stupid idiot I had been to go out with Harvey in the first place.”

As Matt Atkinson wrote in his book, Resurrection After Rape: A Guide to Transforming from Victim to Survivor, “Self-blame is by far, the most devastating after effect of being sexually violated. This is particularly true for former victims of child sexual abuse and adult victims of sexual assault. In fact, ninety percent of rape trauma recovery is undoing a victim’s tendency to self-blame. Ten percent is everything else. But the ten percent has to come after the end of self-blame: it can’t happen while the former victim is still ashamed and guilty.”

3. Victims are afraid of being blamed. This makes sense since we have a victim blaming culture in which we make the assumption that if something bad happens to you it is somehow your own fault. This is particularly true for the way we blame women. “She shouldn’t have gone to that party,” “What does she expect if she wears a dress that short. She’s just asking for it.” “It’s her own fault for drinking so much.” Blaming the victim is by far the most common reaction people have when a victim tells others that she was sexually assaulted and is, by far, the most damaging. The idea is that the victim “put herself in that position” or was “asking for it.” Not only does the victim not receive the comfort and support she needs, she is also further shamed by being blamed for her own victimization. As one former client told me: “My boyfriend got so angry with me. He yelled at me for going to that party in the first place. ‘I told you those guys were trouble! You should have never been there.’ And then he yelled at me for not leaving the party earlier: ‘And why didn’t you leave when Linda did? That was so stupid of you to stay there all alone! And you were probably drunk, weren’t you? Dammit Gina, what did you expect?’”

It is fairly common for boyfriends and husbands to blame the victim. Men are extremely tribal. They identify with one another so intensely that some feel personally attacked whenever another man is being accused of something like rape. Because of this, some, will defend the man and blame the victim. Other men have the belief that women are the ones who bear the duty to prevent rape. But women are guilty of blaming the victim as well. This can be a way of convincing themselves that they will never be raped because they would never put themselves in that position.

4. Victims are afraid they will not be believed. Sexual misconduct is the most under-reported crime because victims’ accounts are often scrutinized to the point of exhaustion and there is a long history of women not being believed when they attempted to report a sexual violation. Although friends and family usually believe a woman when she tells them she was sexually assaulted, when it comes to reporting the crime, it is another story. Most women have heard horror stories about how other victims have had jump through hoops in order to be believed and often the perpetrator’s word is taken over hers, especially when the rape has occurred on a college campus or when the perpetrator is a popular guy on campus, such as a star football player. This was the situation with my former client Courtney:

“I was raped at a party by a popular football player,” she told me. “When I reported it to the police it ended up being my word against his. And I became the town pariah. Everyone at school hated me and constantly made comments like, ‘How could you accuse Randy of doing such a thing!’ ‘You’re ugly—he can get any girl he wants, why would he chose you?’ ‘You’re just trying to hurt him—why would you do such a thing?’ It got so bad I had to drop out of school. But Randy just kept on playing football. By the time the case went to court I couldn’t even step outside my house. There was a mistrial because half of the people on the jury supported Randy. My family had to move out of town so I could get a new start.”

Young college women are being sexually assaulted in record numbers. Many are afraid to report the rape to their college administration because of a long history of cases being mishandled. How can victims get past their fear of not being believed and not being supported by their college administrators when they continue to be treated badly?

5. They are afraid of retaliation by the perpetrator. Eight out of ten victims know their rapist and because of this, many are afraid that if they report it to the authorities their perpetrator will retaliate in some way. In addition, rapists who are strangers often threaten to kill their victim if she reports the sexual assault. There have been only a few well-known cases of a rapist returning to harm a former victim, but enough to scare women with this possibility.

6. They are afraid of having their reputation ruined. Male and female victims are afraid of the stigma connected to sexual assault. They are afraid of it getting out and it hurting their reputation. This is especially true of adolescents, who focus on their “reputation” obsessively. And there is good reason for them to be concerned. I’ve had many adolescent clients whose named were smeared after the news that they were sexually assaulted came out at school. Girls often called “whores” and “sluts” and received many rude and threatening comments and gestures from the boys at school. Males who are sexually assaulted have even more fear of their reputation being ruined and many are labeled “queer” or are considered “weak” if the news gets out.

7. They don’t believe it will do any good. Most victims know that very few rapists are caught and even fewer are convicted and serve any jail time. In fact, ninety-nine percent of perpetrators walk free. With these odds, it is understandable that victims would have serious doubts about reporting and that they would question whether it is worth having their integrity and their character questioned. Those with a history of childhood sexual abuse who never received justice are particularly prone to feeling it will do no good to report a current sexual violation.

8. They want to put it behind them—to forget it ever happened. I often hear clients tell me that this is why they didn’t report the sexual assault. “I just wanted to move on,” they will say. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work. Former victims can’t just put it out of their minds. The pain and fear and shame surrounding sexual trauma continues to haunt them. They suffer from troubling flashbacks, nightmares and difficulty sleeping, depression, extreme anxiety, and have difficulties with issues such as trust and low self-esteem. Their sexuality suffers, either causing them to have difficulty engaging in the sexual act or the other extreme, to become promiscuous. Many repeat the trauma by continuing to be victimized or by becoming abusive themselves.

9. They don’t want to go through the “hassle” of reporting it to the authorities. This is an interesting excuse when you compare sexual assault to what happens when someone gets their car stolen or their house broken into. We seldom, if ever, hear people say, “I didn’t want to go through the trouble of reporting the robbery to the police,” in these circumstances. Most people don’t get their car or other valuables back when they are stolen but this does not stop them from reporting the theft to the police. The truth is, this excuse probably reflects the victim’s lack of self-esteem.

10. They are too traumatized to report the assault. This is more common than you would imagine and brings up some issues that not everyone is aware of. For example, most people are familiar with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a severe anxiety disorder with characteristic symptoms that develop after the experience of an extremely traumatic stressor, such as a violent assault on one self. Many understand that those who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached and estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life. What many don’t realize, however, is that PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms and is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, and problems of memoryand cognition.

In some cases, the symptoms of PTSD can become more debilitating than the trauma. Some characteristics of PTSD can actually run counter to a victim reporting the sexual assault.  She may be so overwhelmed by avoidance symptoms such as emotional numbing, or a strong desire to stay away from anything that reminds her of the assault, that she is incapable of taking the action of reporting.  Or, she may be overtaken by feelings of helplessness and passivity that can be symptomatic of PTSD.

Instead of asking why victims don’t tend to report sexual assault, we need to ask, “What are we doing to make it safe for them to report?” and “What can we do to make reporting processes less threatening and more trauma-sensitive for victims?”

We have an epidemic on our hands when it comes to sexual assault, with 321,500 Americans twelve and older being sexually assaulted each year. Here are some possible ways for us to educate and de-stigmatize sexual assault so that more victims will come forward to report and get the help and support they need.

– We need to better educate girls and women about the risks of sexual assault and coach them in how and where to report sexual violations. For example, those young women entering college are particularly at risk of being sexually assaulted. It was estimated that in the fall of 2016, a total of 20.5 million students attended American colleges and universities, females making up the majority of students—about 11.7 million students. Most parents don’t sit their teenage or twenty-something daughters down and explain the possible risks they’ll face at college or the best ways to protect themselves from sexual assault or sexual harassment. Most don’t explain their rights, how and whom to report an incident to, and how and whom to seek counseling from if they are sexually assaulted or harassed.

– We need to stop blaming victims. In fact, our entire culture is guilty of victim blaming. At its core, this tendency to blame the victim comes from our cultural intolerance of weakness in any form. We can’t tolerate weakness in others because it reminds us of our own weakness and vulnerability. What better way to avoid this than by blaming the victim for her own victimization?

We blame the woman who was raped for wearing sexy clothes, or for drinking too much, or for being at the wrong place at the wrong time because we want to hold on to the fantasy that we all have choices—that we are in control. We don’t want to admit to ourselves that sometimes we don’t have a choice—that sometimes we are not in control.

Even some misguided therapists sometimes believe that their job is to help their client see how she participated in the rape by “putting herself in that position.” Others focus on what the victim can do differently next time to prevent being raped again, implying that she had something to do with her own victimization. These therapists seem to believe the old line, “Nobody can abuse you without your consent.”

The truth is, victims do not cause themselves to be raped. People can and frequently do abuse and rape others “without their permission,” and people can and do control others against their will. There is only one thing that causes a woman to be raped: a rapist.

– We need to help women understand that they need to stop blaming themselves for sexually harassing and sexually abusive comments and behavior. Even in today’s culture, women tend to blame themselves (and other women) when a man tries to force himself on them. This belief has been ingrained in women’s psyches for decades and is based on the idea that: 1) women are responsible for men’s unacceptable behavior, and 2) it is a woman’s job to never arouse a man unless she wants to follow through by having sex with him. This arcane belief needs to be unearthed and exposed as the lie that it is. No one is responsible for a man’s behavior but the man himself.

– We need to encourage girls and women to acknowledge and get help for their experiences with child sexual abuse. In the past several years there has been a focus on raising the self-esteem of girls. Unfortunately, sexual violations do more damage to a girl’s self-esteem, body image, and sexual self-esteem than anything else. A girl who is sexually abused in childhood starts out her life with a huge deficit and she is far more likely to be sexually assaulted as an adult than a woman who has not been abused in childhood. In order to be truly empowered, women and girls need to acknowledge their shame, pain and fear at having been sexually violated in the past.

– We need to understand that there are good reasons why victims often do not fight back and then educate both males and females about this.  Time after time, clients have told me about how ashamed they are because “I should have fought more” or “I just lay there and let him do it.” My client Ramona told me, “I felt so ashamed of myself because I couldn’t defend myself. I didn’t fight back, I didn’t even try to scream. I was just frozen in fear and I just let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. He had a knife and he told me he would kill me if I moved or made a sound and I believed him. I felt so weak, like such a victim. I should have tried to fight him off. I should have screamed. Maybe someone would have heard me and come to my rescue.”

Clients like Ramona usually don’t consider the possibility that if they had fought back, they might have been harmed even worse. Most people have heard that rape is about power and control. But few understand that in order to maintain control, a rapist will use a level of aggression that exceeds any resistance he receives from his victim. That means that the more a victim resists, the more danger she or he may be in.

– We need to take the stigma out of “not fighting back” against sexual assault. For example, most people will do anything to avoid being killed. As a way of illustrating this instinct, rape counselors in training are given the example of a man being mugged. The man cooperatively hands over his wallet and does anything else demanded of him out of a desperate hope that the assault will end without further injury or death. No one questions this cooperation: police even advise it. People who hear about the episode later will support the man and assure him that he did the right thing. No one will blame him for carrying money. No one will claim the incident was probably a cash transaction that “got out of hand.” Yet when the crime becomes sexual, people lose all these same insights about the importance of compliance to reduce harm. Suddenly the victim starts to question herself: Why didn’t I fight back? What would have happened if I had resisted him?

And there is still another factor that may help those who feel shame for not resisting more: During a sexual assault the body’s sympathetic nervous system takes over, instinctively regulating the bodies’ responses for the sake of survival. That means our conscious mind stops choosing what to do, and our physical systems take control, producing one of three basic responses: flight, flee, or freeze.

Each of these three instincts have both helpful and harmful aspects to them; they may either increase or decrease your safety. Contrary to what we see in movies or what we read in material written by the self-defense industry, the “fight instinct” is actually rather rare in both women and men. By far the most common instinct we all default to is the “freeze instinct,” which causes the body to become very still, rigid, and silent—the “deer in the headlights” response. This is called “tonic immobility,” and it is a simple but powerful survival behavior. During rape, temporary paralysis is very common; in fact, it occurs in up to 88 percent of rape victims.

If the victim did not fight back or scream during the assault, she or he needs to stop berating and chastising themselves. And we need to stop blaming them. Their  behavior wasn’t passive, it was a biologically driven form of resistance! It is very important that we all understand this. In fact, one study it was found that the link between this “temporary paralysis” during the rape and later feelings of guilt and self-blame are directly related to increased depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

The bottom line: while tonic immobility is often a source of shame for former victims, it is actually a common self-preservation aid and a basic response to threatening situations. Research has found that this instinct to freeze is just as common among male victims of sexual assault.

In my upcoming book, I’m Saying No!: Standing Up to Sexual Pressure, Sexual Harassment and Sexual Assault, I offer many other suggestions for educating girls and women about the dangers of sexual assault, and I encourage them to report any sexual assault to the authorities, not only as a way of empowering themselves but as a way to protect other potential victims.

Please note: I do realize that males are also sexually assaulted, especially gay men and transsexuals. I tried to include this population in my article but I did so in a limited way since there are far more females who are sexually assaulted than males, and because of the current focus on the sexual assault of females given the current #MeToo climate.

References

Atkinson, Matt (2016). Resurrection After Rape. Oklahoma City, OK: RAR Press

 Finn, Robert. “Involuntary paralysis common during rape–Legal and TX Implications.” OB/GYN News, Jan.15, 2003

 Heidt, J. M., Marx, B. P., & Forsyth, J. P. (2003). Tonic immobility and childhood sexual abuse: Evaluating the sequela of rape-induced paralysis. Behavior Research & Therapy, 43, 1157-1171

Why didn’t you report? Shame, shame, shame

Beverly Engel contributes to the discussions on USA Today

A lawyer who had represented a second woman accusing Brett Kavanaugh of a long-ago sexual assault said Tuesday she stands by her account and is in the process of obtaining a Washington, D.C., lawyer. (Sept. 25) AP

As Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh faced allegations of sexual assault from Christine Blasey Ford, President Donald Trump came to his defense.

“It’s a shame,” he said, “because this is a great gentleman.”

“Whenever we feel that we’re being totally controlled by another person we experience shame because we all want to believe that we have control over our lives, so when we’re faced with the reality that that’s not true it’s very shaming for us – but with sexual assault in particular they feel very invaded and defiled,” said Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist who’s worked with sexual assault victims almost 40 years. “The act of sexual assault is a very humiliating experience for the victim. They feel exposed physically and emotionally.”

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Why Victims Are Reluctant to Report Sexual Assault and Sexual Abuse

Why more women don’t report sexual assaults: A survivor speaks out.

“Victims are often too ashamed to come forward. Sexual assault is a very humiliating and dehumanizing act against someone. The person really feels invaded and defiled, and there is a lot of shame attached to that,” Engel told ABC News.

She continued, “Attached to that shame is a lot of self-blame. Victims of sexual assault almost always blame themselves, and we can understand why, because in our culture, we tend to blame victims in general. We say things like, ‘She shouldn’t have been wearing that kind of outfit, she shouldn’t have drank so much, why did she go to that party?’ We find some reason to blame the victim.”

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