Beverly Engel's Blog, page 3

The Emotionally Abused Woman – A Book from Beverly Engel

Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (Fawcett Book) Paperback –

“Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children’s self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more posititve self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child.”
–Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents

“In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Engle’s insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing process, and her writing style is lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives.”
–Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear of Intimacy

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

“Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse . . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse.”
–Marti Tamm Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse

Loving Him without Losing You

“A powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read.”
–Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Are You the One for Me?

  Buy on Amazon

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Healing Your Emotional Self – A Book by Beverly Engel

A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame

“Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children’s self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more posititve self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child.”
–Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents

“In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Engle’s insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing process, and her writing style is lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives.”
–Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear of Intimacy

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

“Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse . . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse.”
–Marti Tamm Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse

Loving Him without Losing You

“A powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read.”
–Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Are You the One for Me?

  Buy on Amazon

The post Healing Your Emotional Self – A Book by Beverly Engel appeared first on Beverly Engel, LMFT.

Freedom At Last

Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion

In The Emotionally Abused Woman, therapist Beverly Engel introduced the concept of emotional abuse, one of the most subtle yet devastating forms of abuse within a relationship. Now Engel exposes the most destructive technique the abuser uses to break our spirit and gain control – and guides listeners on how to free themselves from the shame that can keep them from the life (and the love) they deserve.

Emotionally abused people are gradually stripped of self-esteem, dignity, and humanity – making them feel unworthy and utterly powerless to escape. But they possess a potent tool with which to combat shame: self-compassion. In this book, Engel shows how to access it. Using her highly effective Shame Reduction Program, she helps listeners jumpstart the process of recovery by offering specific steps to help heal, regain self-confidence – and ultimately become empowered enough to leave – for good.

An invaluable resource for both men and women who suffer from emotional abuse, as well as therapists and advocates, Escaping Emotional Abuse is a supportive, nurturing guide for anyone seeking to break the chains of shame, and gain the emotional freedom to create healthier, lasting relationships.

AMAZONBARNES & NOBLEROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Buy on Amazon

“Engel doesn’t just describe-she shows us the way out.”
-Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail Praise for the emotionally abusive relationship

“In this book, Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse. . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse. This book is a guide both for individuals and for couples stuck in the tragic patterns of emotional abuse.”
-Marti Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse
and coeditor of The Journal of Emotional Abuse

“This groundbreaking book succeeds in helping people stop emotional abuse by focusing on both the abuser and the abused and showing each party what emotional abuse is, how it affects the relationship, and how to stop it. Its unique focus on the dynamic relationship makes it more likely that each person will grasp the tools for change and really use them.”
-Randi Kreger, author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
and owner of BPDCentral.com

The number of people who become involved with partners who abuse them emotionally and/or who are emotionally abusive themselves is phenomenal, and yet emotional abuse is the least understood form of abuse. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel, one of the world’s leading experts on the subject, shows us what it is and what to do about it.

Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book is for you. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will tell you how to identify emotional abuse and how to find the roots of your behavior. Combining dramatic personal stories with action steps to heal, Engel provides prescriptive strategies that will allow you and your partner to work together to stop bringing out the worst in each other and stop the abuse.

By teaching those who are being emotionally abused how to help themselves and those who are being emotionally abusive how to stop abusing, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers the expert guidance and support you need.

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Escaping Emotional Abouse

The world-renowned therapist and author of the groundbreaking self-help classic, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, delves into the most destructive and powerful weapon of the abuser: shame. And reveals its most powerful antidote…

In The Emotionally Abused Woman, therapist Beverly Engel introduced the concept of emotional abuse, one of the most subtle, yet devastating forms of abuse within a relationship. Now Engel exposes the most destructive technique the abuser uses to break our spirit and gain control–and guides readers on how to free themselves from the shame that can keep them from the life (and the love) they deserve.

Emotionally abused people are gradually stripped of self-esteem, dignity, and humanity–making them feel unworthy and utterly powerless to escape. But they possess a potent tool with which to combat shame: self-compassion. In these pages, Engel shows how to access it. Using her highly effective Shame Reduction Program, she helps readers jumpstart the process of recovery by offering specific steps to help heal, regain self-confidence–and ultimately become empowered enough to leave–for good.

An invaluable resource for both men and women who suffer from emotional abuse, as well as therapists and advocates, Escaping Emotional Abuse is a supportive, nurturing guide for anyone seeking to break the chains of shame, and gain the emotional freedom to create healthier, lasting relationships.

Buy From Amazon

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Taking the Shame Out of Your Sexual Relationships

Read on Psychology Today For survivors of childhood sexual abuse.KEY POINTSSexual problems that former victims of sexual abuse experience may include sexual aversion or promiscuity.Realizing that many former victims of child sexual abuse suffer similar sexual issues as adults can help survivors feel less alone.Survivors of sexual abuse may cope in passive ways, like choosing an abusive partner, or in aggressive ways, like being abusive themselves.

It should come as no surprise that former victims of child sexual abuse often suffer from a tremendous amount of sexual shame. When your first experiences of sex are characterized by shame, secretiveness, exploitation, control, and manipulation, it is not difficult to understand how shame can permeate your sexual experiences from that time forward.

Child sexual abuse (CSA), more than any other factor, can literally shape a survivor’s sexual personality. For many former victims, it can be almost impossible to engage in sexual activities without subjecting themselves to shame. For others, shame occurs due to the choices they make and the circumstances surrounding their current sexual experiences. Many former victims experience shame because they suffer from sexual dysfunction, such as an inability to achieve orgasm or painful intercourse in women, or erectile dysfunction or premature or delayed ejaculation in men. And many former victims are very restricted when it comes to where they can be touched, how they want to be touched, and what kinds of sexual acts they can tolerate. To make matters worse, some former victims suffer from destructive sexual obsessions and fantasies that cause them to feel enormous shame.

In this post, we will focus on helping former victims of CSA identify the sexual issues they may experience due to the abuse. In the next post, I will offer active steps they can take in order to minimize or eliminate many of the sexual behaviors that continue to bring shame into their life.

If you are a former victim of CSA you will be encouraged to be understanding and forgiving of the ways you have come to view sex, even when these ways are problematic. The ultimate goal is to help you take the shame out of sex as much as possible.

Sexual problems that former CSA victims may experience

Let’s begin by identifying the various sexual problems former victims experience. All of these sexual problems can cause former victims to feel a great deal of shame. Put a checkmark next to each item that applies to you.

Lack of sexual desireSexual aversionInability to enjoy sex or to have an orgasmSexual dysfunctions, such as painful intercourseAn inability to enjoy certain types of sex (can’t be penetrated but can engage in oral sex, can’t be fondled but can be penetrated, can’t be touched on certain parts of the body)Anger and disgust at any public (or media) display of affection, sexuality, nudity, or partial nudityPromiscuity, continuing to be a sexual objectA pattern of sexual re-victimizationGynecological issues, including menstrual irregularities and severe menstrual cramps, pelvic and genital pain, external and internal scarring as a consequence of the abuse, chronic yeast infections or sexually transmitted diseases from the abuse as well as frequent urinary tract infectionsProblems with sexual identity (questioning whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual)Attraction to “illicit” sexual activities such as pornography and prostitutionSexual manipulation, including using seductiveness or other forms of sexual manipulation to get what you want in your marital, social, or business relationshipsSexualizing all relationships (which can cause victims to become sexual victimizers)Sexual addictionPornography addictionAttraction to kinky or public sex

If you identify with a certain item or items on the above list, you probably feel a great deal of shame about it. One way of countering this is to tell yourself that it is understandable that you would suffer from these issues since they are all common reactions to having been sexually abused. Telling yourself that it is understandable is your first step toward practicing self-compassion, which is the antidote to shame.

Recognizing that all these symptoms are typical of sexual abuse survivors can also help. Realizing that you are not alone since many former victims of CSA suffer from these same sexual issues as a result of having been sexually abused can help you to feel less alone. (For more detailed information on the connection between each of the above sexual issues and child sexual abuse, refer to my book: Freedom At Last: Healing the Shame of Child Sexual Abuse).

Other behaviors that can result from CSA include:

An inability to initiate sexAn inability to say no to sexA tendency to fake sexual enjoymentHaving sex when you really don’t want toFeeling you have no physical boundaries when it comes to sexNeeding to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs to enjoy sex Allowing sex to be forced on youHaving sex while half-asleepBeing confused as to what is appropriate and inappropriate touch in datingUsing sex to feel better when you’re downUsing sexual fantasies that are re-enactments of the sexual abuse

While not all of the above behaviors are caused solely as a result of CSA, often they are. What is most important to understand is that any or all of the above sexual problems and issues can elicit shame in someone. Our sexuality is an extremely fragile aspect of ourselves and one which can cause us to feel enormously vulnerable. Many people rely on their sexuality to gain attention, approval, and love. If they can’t perform the way they would like to, they also feel “less than,” and this can affect their self-esteem and self-image.

Passive behavior

Many of the above behaviors would be considered “passive behavior.” Passive behavior is continuing to view sex from a victim’s perspective and therefore can become a re-enactment of the abuse. Behaving in any of these ways causes you to feel ashamed of yourself and to continue to lose respect for yourself. Even more troubling, behaving in these passive ways is often re-traumatizing.

Examples of passive behavior can include:

Not being able to say no to someone who comes on to you or to getting involved with sexual activities that you are not interested in or are even repulsed by.Allowing someone to pressure you into sex or demand sex of you.Being involved with domineering/abusive partners.Being involved with shame-inducing behaviors—sexual activities that cause you to feel deep shame during or after sex. Examples: someone humiliating you sexually or saying derogatory things to you during or after sex.Practicing risky behaviors such as drinking too much or taking drugs at bars or parties, especially when out alone or where you don’t know anyone. This includes not watching your drink or leaving your drink to go to the restroom and not insisting that a man where a condom.Aggressive behavior

Not all survivors of CSA exhibit passive behavior in reaction to the abuse. Some identified with the aggressor or hid their shame behind a wall of arrogance or bravado. This can cause them to recreate the abuse by being aggressive sexually. This can include:

Being sexually inappropriate (standing too close to a stranger, touching a stranger in an intimate way [hand on their leg, hip, back, behind].Being sexually coercive or demanding.Humiliating and degrading your sexual partners.Being emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive toward your partner. 

It is crucial that you make the all-important connection between your passive or aggressive sexual behavior and the fact that you were sexually abused as a child or teen.

References

Engel, Beverly. (2022). Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Guildford, CONN: Prometheus Books

Beverly Engel

LMFT

Beverly Engel has been a therapist specializing in abuse issues for the past 35 years. Beverly is the author of numerous self-help books, including her latest books: Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse; Escaping Emotional Abuse and It Wasn’t Your Fault.

Facebook More from Beverly Engel Taking the Shame Out of Your Sexual Relationships

Apr 5, 2023

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse. KEY POINTS: Sexual problems that former victims of sexual abuse experience may include sexual aversion or promiscuity. Realizing that many former victims of child sexual abuse suffer similar sexual issues as adults can help survivors feel less alone. Survivors of sexual abuse may cope in passive ways, like choosing an abusive partner, or in aggressive ways, like being abusive themselves.

How to Determine If Someone You Care About Is a Narcissist

Nov 17, 2022

Narcissists are often portrayed as evil people who deliberately focus on undermining and destroying their partner. But this simply is not true for many with narcissism or narcissistic traits. Although their behavior can certainly fall under the category of emotional abuse, many who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are …

Healing Emotional Abuse With Self-Kindness

Nov 5, 2021

This is Part II. in my series on how self-compassion can help heal victims of emotional abuse.

Once you have begun to acknowledge your suffering, you are ready to learn how to provide yourself with self-kindness, an important component of self-compassion. | If you fall down and scrape your knee, you know that you need to cleanse the …

The post Taking the Shame Out of Your Sexual Relationships appeared first on Beverly Engel, LMFT.

How to Determine If Someone You Care About Is a Narcissist

Not all abusers are narcissists and not all narcissists are abusers.

Posted November 10, 2022

KEY POINTS

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) include a grandiose sense of self-importance and a need for admiration, among others.Many people with NPD may not be aware that their behavior is hurtful or abusive.The three subtypes of NPD are grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, and malignant narcissism.

Narcissists are often portrayed as evil people who deliberately focus on undermining and destroying their partner. But this simply is not true for many with narcissism or narcissistic traits. Although their behavior can certainly fall under the category of emotional abuse, many who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are unaware that their behavior is hurtful. And many who suffer from NPD straddle the fence between being an unintentional abuser and one who does so intentionally.

Let’s start by taking a look at the typical behavior and emotional makeup of those who suffer from NPD. Symptoms of this disorder include poor self-identity, inability to appreciate others, entitlement, lack of authenticity, need for control, intolerance of the views/opinions of others, emotional detachment, grandiosity, lack of awareness or concern regarding the impact of their behavior, minimal emotional reciprocity, and a desperate need for the approval and positive attention from others. The following questionnaire, taken from my book, Escaping Emotional Abuse, may also be helpful in determining whether someone is a narcissist.

Questionnaire: Is Your Partner Suffering From Narcissism?Does your partner seem to be constantly wrapped up in himself—his interests and projects—and have little interest in what is going on with you?Does your partner like to be the center of attention? Does she become bored or rude when someone else has the floor?Does he seem to feel he is entitled to special treatment from you and others?Does she seem to lack empathy and compassion for other people? Does she seem to have particular difficulty feeling other people’s pain evenhough she expects others to feel hers?Does your partner feel that his opinions and beliefs are always the right ones and that others (including you) really don’t know what they are alking about?Does she think she is smarter, hipper, more attractive or more talented than almost anyone else?Does he seem to have an inordinate need to be right, no matter what issue is being discussed?Is your partner very charismatic, charming and/or manipulative when she wants something only to be dismissive or cold after a person has served her purpose?Have you come to distrust your partner because you have frequently caught him in exaggerations and lies?Does she often appear to be aloof, arrogant, grandiose or conceited?Can he be blisteringly insulting or condescending to people, including you?Is she frequently critical, belittling, or sarcastic?Does your partner become enraged if he is proven wrong or when someone has the audacity to confront him about his inappropriate behavior?Does she frequently complain that others do not give her enough respect, recognition or appreciation?Does he constantly challenge authority or have difficulty with authority figures or with anyone who is in a position of control or power?Does your partner seldom, if ever, acknowledge what you do for him or show appreciation to you?Does she instead seem to find fault with almost everything you do?Even when he is forced to acknowledge something you’ve done for him or a gift you’ve given him does he somehow always downplay it or imply that it really didn’t meet his standard?Does your partner focus a great deal of attention on attaining wealth, recognition, popularity or celebrity?

If you answered “yes” to more than half of the above questions, your partner may be suffering from NPD or may have strong narcissistic personality traits.

Are All Narcissists Abusive?

I started this series with the premise that not all abusers are narcissists. It is equally important to understand that not all narcissists are abusers. Current research has revealed that there are at least three distinguishable subtypes of NPD: 1) the grandiose, overt narcissist and 2) the vulnerable, covert narcissist, and 3) the malignant narcissist.

The grandiose, overt narcissist is characterized by boldness, arrogance, and grandiose personality traits. People with this type of NPD are more likely to lack empathy, behave aggressively, exploit others, and engage in exhibitionist behaviors. They also require excessive praise and attention.

The vulnerable, covert narcissist is characterized by hypersensitivity and defensiveness. This type of narcissist tends to have a lot of anxiety and need a lot of supportive attention. People with this type of NPD may crave and seek approval and admiration but act in more subtle, often passive-aggressive ways than an overt narcissist and may socially withdraw if it is not given. A covert narcissist may even be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach but the end goals are the same.

Both the grandiose narcissist and the covert narcissist can certainly exhibit abusive behavior. The grandiose narcissist lacks empathy and therefore has difficulty recognizing how his behavior can be hurtful. He or she can be demanding and have unreasonable expectations. And many will do anything to get their way, including walking all over people. The covert narcissist can also be demanding due to their extreme insecurity. They can be unreasonably jealous and tend to focus only on their own needs. But it is important to understand that neither of these two types of narcissists set out to be abusive or controlling.

The malignant narcissist is an entirely different story. Considered the most severe type of narcissism and the most harmful to others, the malignant narcissist tends to have a darker side to their self-absorption. While most narcissists do not consciously set out to abuse others, the alignant narcissist does just that. In addition to having general traits of NPD, they have antisocial traits and even a sadistic streak. There is also often some paranoia involved. In fact, malignant narcissists display traits and symptoms of both antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder.

When a Narcissist Becomes Abusive

It is important when dealing with a narcissistic individual or someone with strong narcissistic traits to keep remembering that he or she is not a very aware human being, especially when it comes to his or her own behavior. Although much of his or her behavior can be experienced as emotionally abusive (e.g., his arrogance, his dismissive attitude, his need to be right), he or she isn’t necessarily trying to make you feel bad about yourself (the malignant narcissist being the exception). In fact, the primary goal of the narcissist is to make himself feel good, even at the expense of others. His inattentiveness, his brashness, and his insensitive comments may seem as if he is deliberately trying to hurt you, when in reality, most of the time he frankly could care less about how you feel.

For this reason it is important not to take what a narcissistic individual says or does personally. This, of course, is a very difficult task. But if you can try to remember that in a narcissistic individual’s world, he or she is the center of the universe and everyone else is but a mere satellite revolving around him or her, it might help. This doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t have feelings or that he or she isn’t capable of caring about others, but it does mean that his or her needs will always come first.

The only time most narcissistic individuals deliberately try to hurt others (again, with the exception of the malignant narcissist) is when they themselves feel criticized or threatened in some way (e.g., if you dare to question their ability or knowledge, if you tell them they are wrong about something, or if you challenge their authority). This is when you will feel their full wrath. Narcissistic individuals can cut you to your core in seconds by using just the right words that can wound you the most.

In the fourth and final post in this series, I will discuss what causes both NPD and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and whether it is possible for those who suffer from either NPD or BPD to change.

References

Engel, Beverly. (2021). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York, NY: Citadel Press.

Healing Emotional Abuse With Self-Kindness

Part II: Self-kindness can help you get stronger if emotionally abused.

Posted October 29, 2021

 

KEY POINTSSelf-kindness is a powerful tool to help heal emotional abuse.People need to take the time to acknowledge how much the abuse has hurt them.Comforting oneself through self-kindness can be the beginning of the healing journey.

This is Part II. in my series on how self-compassion can help heal victims of emotional abuse.

Once you have begun to acknowledge your suffering, you are ready to learn how to provide yourself with self-kindness, an important component of self-compassion.

If you fall down and scrape your knee, you know that you need to cleanse the wound and apply medicine to it to heal. But time after time, victims of emotional abuse get hurt by their partner, and instead of tending to the wound, they minimize how much it hurts or ignore it completely. Left untended in this way, your wounds tend to fester and get worse. Giving yourself compassion, in contrast, is like applying a healing salve to your wounds.

Unfortunately, even if you are willing to acknowledge your wound, you may not know how to apply the soothing salve of compassion to it. This will help: Think about the most compassionate person you have known—someone who has been kind, understanding, and supportive of you. It may have been a teacher, a friend, or perhaps a friend’s parent.

Think about how this person conveyed their compassion toward you and how you felt in this person’s presence. If you can’t think of someone in your life who has been compassionate toward you, think of a compassionate public figure or even a fictional character from a book, film, or television. Now imagine that you have the ability to become as compassionate toward yourself as this person has been toward you (or you imagine this person would be toward you). How would you treat yourself? What kinds of words would you use when you talk to yourself?

This is the goal of self-compassion: to treat yourself, in the same way the most compassionate person you know would treat you—to talk to yourself in loving, kind, and supportive ways that this compassionate person would talk to you.

Exercise: Self-Compassionate WordsPlease use the list I suggested you create in Part I. If you haven’t done so, please do it now.Say or write down something that expresses compassion toward yourself for each item on your list. Do this as if someone outside yourself is saying the words. For example, “I’m so sorry your wife said those horrible things to you. They were not true, and she had no right to hurt you like that,” or “It must be so confusing to have your partner constantly lie to you and try to make you feel like you are crazy. I’m so sorry.” If you can’t think of something to say to yourself, think of what a supportive friend or family member might say if you told them about how your partner abused you.Now think about the entirety of everything you have been through with your partner: all the pain, all the suffering. Say to yourself (out loud or silently) the words that will most comfort you regarding how you are suffering—the words you most long to hear. Again, if you experience difficulty, it might help to imagine someone who has been kind and loving toward you saying the words. If words don’t come to mind, say things to yourself like:“I’m so sorry your partner treats you in this way.”“No one should have to endure treatment like that.”“Oh, how horrible. That must have been so painful, so humiliating.”“I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this all alone.”Get a cup of hot tea and sit quietly, letting it all sink in—all the pain, all the humiliation. Put your arms around your shoulders or across your stomach as if someone is hugging you. Let yourself feel comforted. Let your tears flow if you feel sad. Know that the way you have been treated is not okay.

Think about how much the abuse has damaged your self-confidence and self-esteem, how much it has affected your ability to trust, how much the abuse has kept you off-balance and even caused you to doubt yourself. Give yourself credit for how hard you have to work to maintain your sanity. This acknowledgment and compassion for all you’ve suffered are what will help you to gain the strength and courage to do what is best for yourself, to put yourself first, to believe that you deserve a better life than this.

You’ve just offered yourself self-compassion. It isn’t a complicated process to learn. It is just about acknowledging your suffering and attending to that suffering. It is just about treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care you would give to a wounded loved one.

References

Engel, Beverly (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York, NY: Kensington Press.

Read Part I

Healing Emotional Abuse Through Self-Compassion

Part 1: How practicing self-compassion can help heal emotional abuse.

Posted October 28, 2021

KEY POINTSSelf-compassion is a powerful tool for those who experience emotional abuse.Those experiencing emotional abuse seldom offer themselves compassion.Self-compassion can help you develop more self-acceptance.

If you have been a victim of emotional or physical abuse, you are probably very good at putting yourself in your partner’s position and imagining how they feel. And you no doubt have a great deal of compassion for how difficult your partner’s life has been and what struggles and challenges he faces every day. But I doubt that you offer yourself the same compassion.

Instead of being concerned about your own life and your struggles, you probably tend to ignore these things. Instead of acknowledging how much you suffer from your partner’s disrespectful, hurtful, and abusive behavior, you probably minimize and deny it. Instead of offering yourself self-understanding for how you have had to learn to cope with the abuse, you are likely extremely self-critical.

There is a way to turn this dynamic around, and it is for you to learn to become as compassionate toward yourself as you are toward others—especially your partner. In this article, I will introduce you to the concept and practice of self-compassion and explain how it can aid you in healing from the emotional abuse you have experienced and help you gain the courage, strength, and determination to end an abusive relationship.

Whereas compassion is the ability to feel and connect with the suffering of another human being, self-compassion is the ability to feel and connect with your suffering. More specifically, for our purposes, self-compassion is the act of extending compassion to yourself in instances of suffering or perceived inadequacy and failure.

Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, is the leading researcher in the growing field of self-compassion. In her ground-breaking book, Self-Compassion (2011), she defined self-compassion as:

Being open to and moved by one’s suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.

Providing yourself with self-compassion is going to be the most healing thing you can do for yourself. Primarily, it will help you be less critical and impatient with yourself—a habit you undoubtedly have taken on due to the amount of criticism you have heard from your partner. It will help you judge yourself less harshly and move you toward more self-acceptance—something you desperately need.

Think of yourself as a cactus that lives in the harshest conditions—little water, extreme heat, few nutrients from the sand you are planted in. Even under these sparse conditions, you have managed to survive, but certainly not to thrive. I want you to thrive. I want you to be one of those cacti that bloom beautiful pink flowers.

The way for you to do this is with self-compassion. Providing yourself with self-compassion will be like having a soft rain trickle down upon you, satisfying your thirsty soul. It will be like a gentle wind coming up to cool your parched skin. And most important, it will be like precious nutrients sinking into your hungry spirit.

Self-compassion begins with acknowledging your suffering. If you don’t do this, you can’t expect yourself to heal from the multitude of wounds you have experienced. If you are like most people, you’ve become accustomed to ignoring your pain and suffering. You believe you need to “grin and bear it.”

But now, you need to stop and address your suffering because you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.

Write About Your Pain

Begin by making a list of all the ways your partner has been abusive to you. It may take some time to create this list. Once you have completed it, you will need to go one step further: Identify and connect with the pain attached to each type of emotional abuse or each incident of emotional abuse. Here are some examples of what I am talking about:

“When my husband criticizes me I feel pain in the following ways____________________.”

“When my wife makes fun of me in front of others it affects me in the following ways___________”

“When my partner accuses me of things I didn’t do I feel hurt because________________.”

While you no doubt feel other emotions such as shame and fear, and anger, for now, focus on your pain. Write about the pain you feel due to your partner’s treatment of you.

Here is an example of what one client wrote:

When my partner criticizes me, I feel this intense pain. It feels like I’m being burnt with a hot iron or a hot branding tool. The hot pain pierces my skin, my organs, down to my very core. I feel mortally wounded. The pain is so bad I can’t believe I can survive it.

And here is another client example:

When my husband starts in on me, I feel like I’m drowning. As he barrages me with one criticism after another, I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper. I can’t breathe, and I can’t stop myself from sinking. I feel helpless and hopeless.

Notice how these images and writings give us a real sense of what it feels like to be emotionally abused. While the feeling can be different from person to person, the overall idea is the same. The pain is almost unbearable, and it has a visceral effect—a felt sense.

Your pain doesn’t go away because you ignore it. Unexpressed emotions tend to fester and grow. Offering yourself self-compassion involves first acknowledging your pain and suffering and then comforting yourself.

Exercise: Talking to Your Pain and Suffering

Sit quietly with no distractions around you.Take some deep breaths.See if you can find your pain by either visualizing it or noticing it in your body. You can imagine it to be an object, a color, or a shape.Imagine you are reaching inside and pulling out your pain.Imagine placing your pain in the palm of your hand and lifting your palm to your lips.Whisper these words to your pain and suffering:

“I see you.”

“I hear you.”

“I’m so sorry you have suffered.”

Once you have begun to acknowledge your pain and suffering, you have taken the first step toward offering yourself self-compassion. Most victims of emotional abuse have received very little compassion or empathy for the suffering they have endured due to emotional abuse. Emotional abusers are notorious for lacking the ability to have empathy or compassion for others.

Since most abusers are bent on blaming their partner and trying to make them feel bad about themselves, they aren’t likely to express any feelings of concern, caring, or understanding of their partner’s feelings. They are more likely to try to talk their partners out of their feelings, accuse them of exaggerating, trying to get attention, or expecting too much.

On the other hand, victims are so busy blaming and shaming themselves that they seldom, if ever, experience compassion for themselves. And victims seldom tell anyone about the fact that they are being abused, so they miss opportunities for others to provide them with empathy and compassion.

Having self-compassion, connecting to one’s suffering, is a way of validating yourself, your feelings, perception, and experience. The emotional abuse you have experienced has damaged your self-esteem and self-confidence. It has made you feel so bad about yourself that you have begun to feel unworthy and unlovable. It probably has caused you to question your perceptions and even your sanity. These and other consequences of emotional abuse are some of the ways you have suffered at the hands of your partner. It would help if you acknowledged these wounds to heal them. If, on the other hand, you continue to minimize or deny how your partner has harmed you, not only will you not have the opportunity to heal your wounds, but you will be adding to them day after day.

Let It Sink In

Take time now to let in pain you are faced with every day. Allow yourself to feel compassion for what you have endured and for what you will likely continue to endure. Acknowledge how hard it has been to be constantly criticized, threatened, yelled at, lied to, blamed, ignored, and dismissed.

Exercise: Your Experiences of Abuse

Use the same list you created of how your partner for this exercise has abused you.

Read through your list carefully, taking time to take in the fact that you suffered from each type of emotional abuse. Now read each item and take a deep breath. This will allow you to absorb the fact that you suffered from this form of abuse. If at all possible, do this with each and every item on your list.Allow yourself to experience whatever feelings arise in you. Don’t hold back. Remember, acknowledging your feelings is a significant part of addressing your suffering and a beginning step toward offering yourself self-compassion.

If you don’t stop to acknowledge just how bad it is, you risk normalizing your partner’s abusive behavior. It would be best to acknowledge how much the criticism, the gaslighting, the unreasonable expectations, the constant blaming, shaming and humiliation, damages you daily. It would help if you admitted the truth—that all of it is bad and that you don’t deserve any of it.

To come to believe that you deserve to be treated with respect by others, particularly your partner, you need to learn how to recognize and then tend to your suffering. And before you can teach others to treat you with kindness and respect, you will need to learn to treat yourself with kindness and respect. This brings us to the next step. In Part II of this series, I will focus on self-kindness, an important aspect of self-compassion.

References

Engel, Beverly (2021). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. New York, NY: Kensington Publishing Corp.

Read Part II

How to Reduce the Shame Caused by Emotional Abuse

An effective shame-reduction program.

As I have shared in my previous posts, I believe that shame is the most damaging aspect of emotional abuse, so much so that I designed a shame reduction program for emotional abuse victims. This proprietary program has been highly successful with my clients. It features six major avenues for reducing or eliminating the shame of emotional abuse. They are:

Emotional abuse de-programming. Like members of a cult, victims of emotional abuse have been brain-washed. Ever so slowly the abuse whittles away at their self-esteem, self-confidence, trust in their own perceptions, and even their sanity. Because of this brain-washing, they need to be de-programmed.

Most victims come to believe that the problems in their relationship are because of them. They are accused of being stupid, lazy, or selfish, of not giving their partner enough sex, no longer being sexually attractive, and numerous other reasons why they are a bad partner or parent. For most victims, it is difficult to avoid believing these multiple complaints, while in reality the problem usually lies in the unreasonable expectations of their partner or in the distorted way their partner views themselves, others, and the world.

Those who are being abused tend to believe that when their partner complains about something, it is because they are, in fact, doing something wrong. It doesn’t occur to them that he is complaining because he has a need to make them feel bad about themselves. They don’t suspect that their partner focuses on their real or imagined faults so he or she won’t have to focus on their own issues. They don’t understand that abusers blame their partner so they don’t have to feel guilty about the things they have done or take responsibility for their own problems, weaknesses, and faults. Most important: They don’t understand that as long as their partner shames them, he or she doesn’t have to feel their own shame.

Because all the above may be true, it is important that you come to believe and understand the following: Most abusers do not criticize you because they have your best interest at heart, nor do they have the best interest of your relationship at heart. They are focused on their own self-interest and unfortunately, they are often focused on making you feel “less than” them. Once you have absorbed this truth, it will be the beginning of you taking on a totally new perspective when it comes to your partner.

Anger expression. Whereas shame depletes our energy, anger does the opposite, it energizes and empowers. It can help restore your sense of power and control over your own life. Expressing your righteous anger about being abused can help you begin to feel less helpless and hopeless and can motivate you to begin making important changes. It can help you become less fearful of your abuser and may even help you to imagine standing up to your abuser. And perhaps most important, it will help you to give the shame you are experiencing back to your abuser. Instead of believing your abuser’s words and continually blaming yourself for the abuse, you can push away his words with your anger.

By allowing yourself to get angry at your abuser, the vital force of anger will be moving in the right direction, outward instead of inward. Internalizing your anger and blame not only causes you to feel shame but can cause you to punish yourself with self-destructive behavior (alcohol or drug abuse, starving yourself, or self-mutilation). Many people are afraid that if they begin to express their righteous anger they will lose control or become like their abuser. For this reason, the shame reduction program I offer in my new book, Escaping Emotional Abuse, provides strategies to help you overcome any fear you have about getting angry and techniques to use to release your anger in healthy and safe ways.

THE BASICSWhat Is Embarrassment?Find counselling near me

Self-compassion. As it is with most poisons, the toxicity of shame needs to be neutralized by another substance if we are truly going to save the patient. Compassion is the only thing that can neutralize shame. Self-compassion will teach you how to develop an internal compassionate relationship with yourself in order to counter the shame you have experienced due to emotional abuse. Instead of constantly hearing a powerful critical voice inside your head due to the abuser’s constant fault-finding, you can begin to hear a more loving voice that will comfort and support you when you need it the most.

You can also learn specific compassionate attitudes and skills that can reverse your tendency to blame yourself for the abuse and begin to understand that you did nothing to deserve the abuse. Finally, self-compassion will help you to give yourself the nurturance, understanding, and validation you so desperately need in order to feel worthy of care, respect, and acceptance. For all these reasons, practicing self-compassion is a primary strategy for healing shame.

Self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is a powerful way to reduce or even eliminate shame. First and foremost, those who have been shamed or abused need to forgive themselves for the abuse itself. Most victims of any kind of abuse automatically blame themselves for their own victimization. In a strange way, it makes victims feel less helpless. Even small children believe they should have been able to defend themselves and feel terrible shame because they couldn’t.

Second, victims need to forgive themselves for remaining in the relationship. Instead of being critical of themselves for not ending an abusive relationship, victims need to come to a place where they recognize that they have good reasons for not leaving—that it is understandable based on their personal history, as well as their current situation. Victims also need to forgive themselves for the negative behaviors they may have exhibited in response to their abuse experiences—everything from alcohol and drug abuse to the harm they caused their children or others. And finally, victims need to forgive themselves for harm they caused themselves.

Self-kindness. Once you have begun to acknowledge your suffering, you are ready to learn how to provide yourself with self-kindness, an important component of self-compassion. Unfortunately, shame has kept many victims from feeling kind toward themselves or even liking themselves. They may not believe they deserve to be treated with kindness, patience, tenderness, or comfort. Hopefully, with some of their shame dissipated, they will now be more open to believing they deserve these things.

You might not know how to treat yourself with loving-kindness, but if you can come to believe you deserve it, you can learn how to practice it.

Sit in a comfortable chair, take a deep breath, and place your right hand on your heart. Think about the entirety of everything you have been through with your partner. All the pain, all the suffering. Say to yourself, either out loud or silently to yourself, the words that will be most healing. The words you most long to hear. If you experience difficulty, it might help if you imagine someone who has been kind and loving toward you saying the words. If words don’t come to mind, say things to yourself like: “You didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness,” or “I’m sending you love to heal your wounded heart,” or “I’m sorry you had to endure all this alone.”Put your arms around your shoulders or across your stomach, as if someone is hugging you. Let yourself feel comforted. Get a cup of hot tea and sit quietly, letting it all sink in—all the pain, all the humiliation. Let your tears flow if you feel sad. Know that the way you have been treated is not okay and that you deserve to be respected and loved.

Many of you are afraid to seek counseling—either because you are afraid of being judged, of learning something painful about yourself or your partner, or because you are afraid of your partner finding out. While a self-help book is a great option because you can get answers to your questions and get some help without having to risk being embarrassed or exposed, I do encourage you to reach out for help. Look for a support group in your area (you can even find them online during the pandemic) or, if you can afford it, look for a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma and abuse.

References

Engel, Beverly (2020). Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing the Shame You Don’t Deserve. Kensington Publishing Corp. New York, N.Y.