Leah Ness's Blog, page 9

Playing with Fear

Greetings from Houston! Here we are, on the other side of our move. And wow was that a lot of work. When did we accumulate so much stuff?!

It was a long, hard two weeks. There were too many tearful goodbyes, several hours of drive time, and a lot of heavy lifting. But in a way, the weeks that preceded them were even more difficult. It was that question people kept asking: “Are you ready?”

Well, I’m a good Christian girl so my answer had to sound spiritual, right? “As much as we can be; the rest is up to God.” “Yep, we feel prepared but in the end, it’s in God’s hands.” “We are if He is.”

The trouble is, whenever I gave one of these answers, it was with a grimace and (I kid you not) crossed fingers. I literally stood in front of people, professed faith in God, and held up crossed fingers.

One night, about a week before we left, I was praying and what I’d been doing hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized I had been presenting the move to people as if it were some huge risk that my husband and I were spiritual enough to take. I professed faith with my mouth while at the same time, purposely showing that I was fearful because we were taking such a chance.

I realized I was doing this for two reasons:

First, because my faith was (is) weak. I’m all right when it comes to showing faith in big things like Salvation (I only question that when I’m feeling down on myself). But when it comes to relying on God for our daily bread? Well, that’s a tricky one.

The second, larger reason was that I wanted the glory. By making it clear to everyone who asked that we were taking a huge leap of faith, I was keeping the attention fixed on myself. Instead of steadfastly affirming that God is good, I allowed fear into my voice and my face, to show how brave I was to press on anyway. I was down-playing God in order to raise myself up.

Now, I know that we need to keep it real with our brothers and sisters, and that we shouldn’t try to hide or stifle our problems. But the issue here was that I really wasn’t that afraid.

I know God will take care of us and that He’s promised to provide. But when people started making comments on how great it was that we were stepping out in faith, I wanted more of that praise. So I played it up.

Instead of acting like I knew God was good, I told people that I hoped He was.

And I began to buy my own product. “Wow, this is a big risk we’re taking.” “Yeah, I really would rather stay in Colorado.” “Uh-oh, what if things don’t work out?”

Because I wanted credit for overcoming fear, I played with it. And I got burned. I lost my peace and my joy and, even worse, I missed out on a terrific opportunity to give God the glory.

So on this side of The Move, I’m determined to act like I believe in the faithfulness of God. And so far, He has been so good. Our journey down here was completely incident free, our travels were protected, we had some great fellowship with friends, our apartment turned out to be even nicer than the one we left, our stuff arrived safely and we were able to unpack it in record time, and we had a very nice experience in the first church we tried.

God is good. And I can’t wait to see what else He has planned for us.

My Second Liebster!

Despite the fact that I’ve been out of the game for a few several weeks, (not entirely my fault! I’m preparing for a cross country move!) I have been very kindly nominated for my second Liebster Award! Many thanks to the wonderful Writefury for the nomination!

Here are the questions I was tasked with answering:

What is your favorite unusual name?

Oh boy. Funny you should ask. I’m obsessed with names, the more unusual the better! I can’t even pick a favorite… But here are the top two of the moment: I’ve always wanted boy/girl twins and should the Lord bless me that way, I would love to name the girl Mercy and the boy Justus.

What is your favorite book of the Bible?

Song of Solomon. I know that’s an unusual (even slightly dirty) choice, but it’s the book God used to first begin showing me how much He loves me.

What would be your superhero name?

Squirrel Girl (I know that one’s already taken, but seriously, what an awesome super hero name)

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

Mint Chocolate Chip, but only the Breyers version, with white ice cream, not green.

What’s your favorite song to sing when you’re alone?

That’s a tricky one since it depends on my mood… but usually anything by ELO.

If you were to play an instrument (not counting ones you already play) what would it be?

The Bagpipes, no question.

What new US State would you like to go to and what would you like to see?

I’ll go with Texas, to see Houston. Mainly cuz I’m moving there and so don’t have a choice. May as well make it on purpose.

What new country would you like to go to and what would you like to see?

England! To see… everything, basically.

What’s your favorite holiday and why?

Fall daylight savings. There are no manipulative guilt-trips from stores telling you to spend money on stuff people won’t even like. There are no dishes to clean after a day of preparing a huge meal. There’s no need to stress about cards and parties and dresses and making sure everybody has a nice day. There’s just that sweet awareness that when the 6 o’clock alarm rings, it’s really only 5, and you can roll over and go back to sleep.

If you could live in a fiction book world, which one would it be?

Dang. Toughest question of the lot. I’m planning a fantasy book for a few years down the road and the world I’m envisioning for it has me all excited. So I think I’ll pick that one.

Kudos on the questions, they were a lot of fun! Here are the ones I plan to spring on my unsuspecting nominees:

What’s one thing you’ve made that you’re most proud of?
If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
If you could completely forgive one person in your life, who would it be?
Would you rather live in your dream house in a less than ideal location, or in your dream location in a less than ideal house?
What’s your favorite Bible story and why?
What’s your idea of the perfect vacation?
If you could spend the day with one author, living or dead, who would it be?
If you could change one thing about your physical appearance would you, and if so, what would it be?
What one, random skill do you secretly wish you could master?
In your best estimation, where is Waldo?

And the nominees are….. (*Drum roll*)

Your True Value

Keystrokes

Waiting for Baby Bird

Thanks again to Writefury and to all my kind, patient readers who are hanging in there with me through the move!

In a Word: Striving

Hello all my wonderful readers! I’m back! And full of apologies for my long absence. I have a whole list of really good excuses but I’ll sum it up: Movin’ to Houston. The day of the move draws nigh, but I hope to submit a few posts in this calm before the storm.

The most common question my move announcement has produced is “Why Houston?” The ‘spiritual’ answer I usually give is, “Because God said so.” Which is true. If my husband and I had our druthers, we’d probably stay put. But God’s direction isn’t the only reason.

The whole truth is that of all the cities we researched, Houston seems to provide the healthiest job and housing markets. From where we’re sitting, it looks like the land of opportunity and prosperity, and my husband and I are setting out with hope in our hearts and stars in our eyes.

But hey, aren’t we all?

Prestigious, high paying job; big, beautiful house; healthy, precocious kids; it’s the American dream, right? It’s our dream, anyway.

But this creeping, little doubt has been needling me for a while now: What if God’s plans don’t line up with mine?

This not-so-secret fear led me to ask God the question, “Why Houston?” And in typical fashion, He answered my question with questions. “Why a big house?” “Why a high-paying job?” “Why healthy, happy kids?”

Because that’s my dream. That’s the goal my husband and I have been planning and working and waiting and, in a word, striving for.

This answer didn’t satisfy the Lord, and He asked me again.

“Why?”

Because, I want to be happy. I want to feel secure and at peace. I want to know our bills are paid and there will be food on the table. I want to rest in the knowledge that we’re home, safe and sound. I want to feel well loved and well taken care of. I can hardly wait to feel that joy and peace and fulfillment.

That’s the ultimate goal. That’s what I’m striving for.

I was talking to God about this yesterday when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks: I don’t have to strive for those things. I don’t have to work toward them. I don’t have to wait patiently for them. They are all ready right in front of me.

God is all ready holding out His hands and offering me all the peace and joy and security and love and fulfillment I could even want or need. And unlike the fleeting and uncertain fulfillment the world and its shinies offer me, God is offering genuine, eternal peace. Genuine, eternal joy.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.

John 14:27

See, God wants to satisfy us. But not with the things of this world. Because they could never possibly do the job. God wants to be our all in all. He is offering everything we’re actually striving for: Love, forgiveness, peace, contentment, security, etc. And He’s offering it all, freely.

What are we waiting for? Why should we keep striving in hopeless, earthly power for even one more minute?

You may not realize it, but God’s goal for you and your goal for yourself are the same; He just wants you to be happy. But, He wants you to have genuine and lasting happiness, which can only come from loving and following Him.

Please don’t waste another minute striving in this world. Enjoy Jesus, and everything He has for you, starting now!

Grace for Grace

This is something my grandfather sent me recently. Since it’s something I needed to read this morning, I thought I’d pass it on… (My apologies, I do not know who the author is)

Of His [Jesus'] fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.

John 1:16 NKJV

God first reveals grace in the New Testament as the empowerment that gives us the fullness of Jesus. Grace is not first mentioned as a free gift or as the remittance of sins, although both these things are aspects of grace.

Grace is more than a “get out of jail free card.” It’s an unstoppable force that enables us to fulfill all God has called us to do. The primary function of God’s grace is to empower us, giving us the ability to go beyond our natural ability.

My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 TEV

In giving us the richest abundance of grace, God has given us the fullness of Jesus Christ Himself! This includes all of His characteristics. So one way to put it is that God’s grace has re-created us to be like Jesus and to live on the earth like He did.

Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.

1 John 2:6 NIV

This is no suggestion; it is God’s command! This charge might seem intimidating, especially when we are struggling with sin. But holiness is not a work of the flesh; it is a product of His grace. We will always struggle with sin if we don’t tap into the power God has given us to set us free. If we see grace as only covering our sins, of course we’re going to struggle to find victory. But when we take hold of His grace as He truly intended it—as an empowering force that enables us to be like Him—then we can acceptably serve Him (see Hebrews 12:28).

God knows that we are human. He knows where we are weak. We cannot live rightly on our own, which is why He gave us His grace. It gives us the ability to do what we cannot do in our own ability.

…we beg you who have received God’s grace not to let it be wasted…

…So then, let us purify ourselves from everything that makes body or soul unclean, and let us be completely holy.    (2 Corinthians 6:1; 7:1 TEV)

When God calls you to be holy, He is not setting you up for failure. He didn’t send Jesus to die and conquer death just so you could survive in a small, sinful life until you finally make it to heaven. He has made available to you all that you need to live a relentless life of victory and righteousness. Do you believe you can appropriate the grace He has placed before you and use it as He intended?

In Light of the King

I think King David is such a kooky character. By that I mean he’ll do something so admirable one minute, and something I totally disagree with the next. Case in point:

In 2 Sam.9 we read about how David takes Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth, and basically adopts him. David gives him everything that belonged to Saul as well as a permanent spot at his dinner table along with his other sons.

Fast forward a few years and David is on the run from his son Absalom. While he’s leaving his kingdom, Mephibosheth’s servant, Ziba, tells David that Mephibosheth has joined Absalom. In light of this act of betrayal, David gives Ziba all of Mephibosheth’s possessions.

The Bible keeps us in suspense until Absalom and his army are defeated and David returns. He is met by Mephibosheth, who tells him that Ziba lied. In fact, Mephibosheth hasn’t shaved or washed since David left and is beyond overjoyed to have the king home again.

So here’s the kooky bit: David’s response to this news is to say, “You and Ziba divide the land.”

This would have flat out ticked me off. “Sorry, your Majesty, perhaps you didn’t understand me. Ziba betrayed me, lied about me, and stole all I own. I think what you meant to say was ‘To the dungeon with him!’ not ‘Reward his betrayal by giving him half your stuff.’ I mean, what’s up with that?!”

I don’t know why David did this. Some speculate that he was testing Mephibosheth’s heart. I’m sure he had his reasons. But what I really is love Mephibosheth’s response:

‘Then Mephibosheth said to the king, “Rather, let him take it all, inasmuch as my lord the king has come back in peace to his own house.”’

2 Sam.19:30

There are two things that hit me about this.

First, when someone wrongs us, our first inclination is typically to seek justice. Some of us have kept quarrels alive for years, trying to get a little of our own back. Right is right, we’ll say as we try to justify our actions and prove that we were wronged.

But that’s not what happens here. Here, the focus isn’t on settling the score, the focus is on the king. Rather than pursuing a quarrel, Mephibosheth readily forgives Ziba, testifying to the fact that the king’s return is the only thing that matters to him.

This one hits me right between the eyes. I’ve always had trouble letting go if grudges. I want my vindication and I want it right away. But how much does getting even really matter in the presence of the King?

Second, Mephibosheth also makes it abundantly clear that he is loyal to David because he loves him as his king and adopted father, not because David gave him Saul’s land. He loves the giver, not the gift.

I tend to turn my gifts into idols. In fact, there are some gifts God’s given me that, should He take them back, I would miss enough to be angry with Him. Actually, this happens to me all the time.

When things don’t go according to plan, or when unexpected expenses arise, basically, when my comfortable world is rocked at all, I grumble and complain. I’m more attached to my gifts than I am to the Giver. And I spend far too much of my free time trying to protect what I have or amass more.

I love what the name Mephibosheth means: ‘exterminator of idols.’ How appropriate. The man who gave him everything takes it away and his response is to love him even more. His heart wasn’t in the things of this world, it was in serving the king.

I want to surrender the idols in my life, and I want to give up on petty disputes that mean nothing when compared to all that God has forgiven me.

In light of the King, nothing else matters. It’s all about Him.

The Same Different Spirit

My husband and I recently made a very big decision: we are moving out of state.

We’ve been praying about this move for a while now. My husband received an answer from God first, and asked me to pray about it before he told me what he thought, to see if we were both hearing the same thing. So, a few nights ago, I told him I felt like God was telling us to move. My husband felt the same.

First came the excitement of setting out on a brand new adventure together, with God at the helm. Then I panicked.

My husband does not yet have a job in the city we’ve chosen as our new home. Neither do we have a place to live. I’m completely unfamiliar with the area. I don’t even know where to buy groceries. We don’t know where we’ll go to church and we have only one connection in the area (my grandmother who lives about 45min away).

Most of all, I’ll be leaving my parents, my sisters (one of whom is about to have her first baby), my brothers, my friends, and the little boys I used to nanny, who still have tight holds on my heart. It was the thought of saying goodbye to those little faces that had me crying soon after the decision was made.

But what can I do? If God is saying “Go” how can I stay?

The following morning, the next chapter in my Bible reading ‘just happened’ to be about how the Israelites sent spies into Canaan to see what the land was like. They come back with hearts melted by fear and spread a bad report. “What were we thinking?! We can’t take this land! We’ll have to either go back or stay here.”

But that’s not what Joshua and Caleb said:

‘Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, “Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it.”’

Num.13:30

“If the Lord delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us,…the Lord is with us. Do not fear…”

Num. 14:8a,9b

‘If the Lord delights in us…’

That’s a big ‘if.’ After all, we are leaving everything that is comfortable and familiar and safe. ‘Surely the Lord delights in us’ might be a tad more cheering.

But honestly, I don’t want comfort and safety; not if God is calling me in another direction. I want to please God’s heart, and chase after it with all I have. Because that’s the kind of faith that delights Him.

Of all the people of Israel over 20yrs old, God permitted only Joshua and Caleb to enter the promise land. Why? Here’s what He said about Caleb:

“…because he has a different spirit in him, and has followed Me fully…”

Num. 14:24

What a beautiful testimony… to delight the heart of God by following Him fully.

I want to have the same different spirit as Caleb and Joshua. I want to step forward with boldness and courage, convinced in my heart of hearts that God is trustworthy. That He alone is faithful.

So whatever the future holds, whatever successes and failures, joys and sorrows, I am determined to follow Jesus fully.

“…nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”

2Tim.1:12

A Tragic Retraction

As many of you know, I’m a strong advocate of the charity Compassion International. I blog about it at least once a month and have sponsored children with them for many years.

That’s why it broke my heart to hear that some of Compassion’s leaders have been slowly but steadily grafting the charity into the Emergent church movement over the last several years.

I heard this first from my boss at the church who used to work at Compassion. She said it’s only getting worse. When I heard this tragic news, I went immediately to the internet to do research that confirmed what she’d told  me.

I have not yet decided whether or not I’ll end my sponsorships, but I can no longer in clear conscience recommend the charity.

Please join me in praying for the leaders of Compassion International, that the Lord would open their eyes and change their hearts. And also for each of us, as more ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’ pervert the Word of God in an attempt to confuse and trap us.

 

Common Frustration

The other morning, when I took my trash to the dumpster, I saw an elderly gentleman dumpster diving. I don’t believe he is homeless, as he looked clean and tidy and had a truck. But I still felt bad for him.

I live in a part of town where this type of thing is common place. Nearly every trip to Walmart includes a couple panhandlers. Whenever I go online, I’m bombarded with a long list of tragedies that are occurring all over the world.

So many people need help. So much change is needed. It makes me feel so small and powerless and frustrated!

But I serve a mighty God. One Who heals the sick and sets the lonely in families. One Who is beyond able to bless all those who call upon His name. One Who has equipped me for every good work.

It can be easy to fall into the mindset that one person cannot make a difference, but there really is One who can. God is good, and He is faithful, and He will even let us help. If we let Him, He will use us as His instruments to bless others. He will make a difference and He will use us to do so.

We only have to be willing and He will cause the opportunities to flood in.

One of my favorite avenues for change is the charity Compassion International. Here is a beautiful video about the difference any one of us can make in the life of a child.

Help doesn’t have to come in monetary forms either. Time can be just as beautiful a donation. Many of us don’t have to look any further than our church nursery for volunteering opportunities.

Or maybe God wants to use some of us in our own homes, and break our hearts for the hurts of those nearest to us.

Whatever the case may be, God is in control and His plan is perfect. Waiting patiently for His perfect will in this world, and committing to serve as He advances His kingdom, shows that we have faith in His promises to bring all things together for the good of those who love Him and call upon His name.

That kind of faith in action is the best weapon I know of to combat the frustration.

The Care and Maintenance of Regrets, a Guest Post

Today I have the honor of guest posting on Waiting for Baby Bird. I felt lead to write on the subject of regrets because so many of us allow them to mar even our happiest times. Click here to check out the post.

Elisha, author of Waiting for Baby Bird, has such a beautiful testimony of faith in God and her writing is so honest and passionate that you can’t help but be drawn into her story. I’m always inspired by what I read there. Please don’t miss out on her blog!

A Blog Hop

First off, I would like to thank Linda Samaritoni for inviting me to participate in this blog-hop. The idea behind it is to get to know other writers/bloggers better by asking a few questions. I’ve enjoyed reading the other writers’ posts and I’m eager to share my own thoughts. So without further adieu….

What am I working on?

Now that I’ve finally completed and published my first novel, I’m shifting my attention to writing my second. It’s entitled ‘Waking Moment’ and it’s based on the premise that if a Christian is walking in an ever deepening relationship with Christ, he will, at least once, experience one raw and overwhelming moment when he understands that this life is not all there it. And he’ll wake up to the knowledge that he is a warrior on a battlefield.

The story is about a young man who is just trying to provide for his family and ‘get by.’ He is a Believer, but his life has been less than ideal and he’s switched to survival mode. Then one day, he wakes up to that raw moment of realization. From there, the book takes an allegorical twist that I’m both excited and apprehensive to explore.

But as I keep reminding myself, if God gave me the story, then He will give me every word.

How does my work differ from others in its genre?

I was raised in a Christian home, homeschooled all the way through. I stayed away from all the major Christian no-no’s, had waist long hair, and wore a lot of skirts. Laura Ingalls was one of my biggest role models. Basically, picture the stereotypical Christian homeschooler and that was me.

Enter: my rebellious phase. I pierced my own nose, cut of 22ins of hair, died some of it blue, got a motorcycle license, and frequently entertain the idea of getting a tattoo. Can you say over-correction?

But that’s me. I like it one way or the other. And that definitely bleeds through into my writing. In my books, I strive to avoid many Christian stereotypes while leaving my strong moral and spiritual convictions intact. The result I’m aiming for is unique stories that avoid clichés and tear down stereotypes while still holding fast to the timeless truths of God and Jesus Christ as outlined in the Bible.

Why do I write what I do?

My ultimate goal is to glorify God through my writing. But there is more to the story…

I’ve always loved fantasy and sci-fi and when I was a kid I couldn’t get enough of it. This, unfortunately, lead me to read books that were not at all God-honoring. As soon my mom found out what kind of books I was reading, she took them away, leaving me no other alternative but Christian fiction. But at the time, all I’d seen of the genre were western romances, something I had no interest in whatsoever. Then my friend pointed me in the direction of Karen Hancock’s Light of Eidon series and I was blown away. Here was an excellent story-line with engaging characters set in a fantasy world. And all God-honoring and God-glorifying. In fact, God used those books mightily in many areas of my life, and I’ve grown closer to Him as a result of reading them.

Thus I was inspired to set out and write something ‘different’ for the reader who has yet to find that one story that feels like it was written specifically for them, the way I felt like Karen Hancock had written The Light of Eidon specifically for me.

How does my writing process work?

Wait, there’s supposed to be a process?! Honestly, I have tried, really tried, to write an outline and stick to it. But it’s no use. Getting my characters and their actions to follow a set outline is like herding cats. So I play out the story in my head, chronologically, and describe what I’m seeing. If I get ideas for plot twists, character details, etc. then I jot down a note on my ‘sounding board,’ which is a fancy way of saying ‘messing note page.’ I ask God to give me every word and then I just go for it. Then I edit. A lot.

All right, now for the groovy part, passing the questions along. Here are the talented authors I’ve chosen:

Johnathan Ness – My dear husband who wrote the book Your True Value. God used this book to draw me closer to Him and to help me root my identity in Him.

Sandra Ardoin – She runs a lovely blog that’s chocked full for excellent book reviews and (even better) some great advice on writing and publishing. Do not give this blog a miss!

Rosemary Mucklestone – She’s a talented young writer who has already published two books. Plus, her blog is titled ‘Writefury’ and includes a picture of Toothless the dragon and I think that’s just marvelous.