Alexis Rose's Blog, page 3

He knows all my secrets

What do I do?

He knows all my secrets.

I told him because I trusted him.

Then I didn’t trust him any longer-because he broke my confidentiality-but by then he said he wrote it all down and gave it to his friend for safe keeping.

He always said I was safe – so why did he write it down and give it to someone for safekeeping?

I asked for it back and he said he was just kidding. He didn’t write it all down.

Which is the truth? Did he write it down or was he lying-and why?

I gave him all the names!

What do I do?

Maybe he was just being manipulative so I should leave it alone. Forget about it.

Or do I keep in contact with him so I don’t have to worry he’ll try to tell my story to whomever he likes. Keep em’ close!

How long is he required to keep my secrets?

How much do we tell when we try to trust? Can we share too much?

Trust is a funny thing and was often held hostage with strings attached.

Reflections of the many lessons on the trail of the messy healing journey.

Incorporating whats helpful, and discarding the rest. Lessons of teachers who come in and out of our lives. Grateful for them all-and wiser by experience.

And I guarantee that no one will learn all my secrets again!

Sunday Desperation

That dark-haired little girl

wants to run away to the cliffs surrounding the ocean

washing the dirt from her feet and hands

watching as the dirt bubbles to the surface

emptying the soot from the bottom of the boxes

She wants to be free

free to see the stars, hear the crickets

smell the ocean waves

and listen to the call of the owl and

the songs of the loons

But she’s bent over holding herself in a ball

The pain in her chest, her heart, her biceps

and the hollowness of her soul

writhes in fuzzy fear and loneliness

She’s trying to grab a hand

a metaphorical lifeline

that provides the hope that this walk will not be alone

It’s not dead girl walking

it’s tiger slayer trying, once again

to navigate the world where her past

doesn’t define her

Fear keeps her from asking

the skeleton hands of the past in for tea

Can she ask them in

Can she ask them why they crawl up her spine

and try to pull her down the rope of the past

Can she ask them to release her – to set her free

Does she set them free with a thank you or a f**k you or both

She doesn’t want to fight them anymore ~ She’s tired

She wants to set them on a raft and send them down the river

free

She wants to set both self-doubt, and fear on a leaf

and watch them take flight with the wind

free

Or maybe put it all in a balloon and set it alight

to become stardust

And when that’s done

she’ll sit for a while

breathe, say thank you ~ and rest

free

©Alexis Rose

I Woke Up This Morning

I woke up this morning and felt….

that maybe I’m allergic to having too many sweets in the house

encouraged that this leap-year I have 366 days to practice self care

resolute to actively work on my happiness project

excited about deepening new relationships while tending to my many precious time-honored friendships

calm as I cheer on my kids as they continue to figure out their niche in the world

apprehensive but curious to take leaps of faith as new roads appear

I woke up this first day of the new year/new decade and knew I would continue…

to love

to breathe

to be present

to heal and grow

to have hope and gratitude

to live

blinders off-face towards the sun

[image error]

©️Alexis Rose; image: Pexels

Always in our Hearts

As the rain gently falls

we remember those who are 

with us in our hearts



They will always be a part of us



We honor their heart and soul

surrounded by their essence

as we tend to the flowers of the earth

[image error]

©Alexis Rose, image source: Pixabay

 

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

 

 

 

‘Tis the Season

For many ’tis the season

of

places to go

things to do

friends and family

For many ’tis the season

of

loneliness, painful memories

hunger, grief, and sadness

Breathe in joy, gratefulness, and thankfulness

breathe out compassion

Compassion for the many

who look at the calendar

and silently say Jan 2nd can not come soon enough

Joy for the many

who love everything about this season

Room to feel compassion, joy, and understanding

so the many, the few, and the silent

are seen, heard and understood

[image error]

©Alexis Rose. Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

Until the Promise of Spring

The words dried up

and stuck deep in my throat

before they blew away

I watched them swirl

like the dry autumn leaves

before they were swept up

and dispersed by the winds

Maybe its the season

or a fluke

a phase, the moon

or a moment in time

I’m sure there’s more to say

But for now

the words lay quiet

silenced by blankets of snow

still, resting, waiting

until the sun shines warm with the promise of spring

[image error]©Alexis Rose, Image source: Pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

Behind the Glass

A quick glance to the right

triggered the shiver from the deepest

part of my soul

Like a whisper in the night

bringing memory into focus

I’m stopped in my tracks

and enshrouded

in a dark and heavy fog

A series of photographs

posed, and etched deep inside my mind

play quickly, vividly

like a silent filmstrip

then fades

leaving muted color

and vague felt-sense memory

Lodged behind a scrim

and never completely melting away

I walk along, wondering

what happened on that day

what happened behind the glass when I glanced to the right

Will, it ever be okay

Will, it ever go away

[image error]©Alexis Rose; Image source, Pixels

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

 

 

 

 

A New Road? ~ Let’s Take It!

It has been four years since I began my blog. Wow! Time snuck up on me. Thank-You to everyone who has clicked the follow button or just stopped by for a moment for a quick read. I always appreciate a follow, a like and a comment, or even a pass-through. I have had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people here on WordPress. And even when some of them no longer choose to blog, we have remained connected through email and messenger.

I love everything about blogging. I love the connectedness; the variety of writers, the amazing group of survivors that have taught me that, not only am I not alone but that I can be a touchstone for someone at a time in their lives when they need to know they are seen, heard, and cared about. Peer support in our blogging community looks and means different things to all of us, but it can offer amazing and real connections.

About a year ago, I wondered if I could muster up some courage and begin to support survivors in a different way. I began to trust that I had come far enough on my healing journey, that I could use my voice in a more confident way to provide support and hope to survivors of trauma.

This past year, I’ve had several opportunities to speak about living with PTSD. Because of these opportunities, I have met some astounding advocates for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and trauma.  I have learned that there are many different and successful programs and support that are offered in conjunction with traditional therapy.

One of the biggest lessons I learned this year is the importance of peer-to-peer support organizations. For many people, a group where they are supported by thriving survivors after going through their own dark, ruddy road of healing can help bridge the gap between therapy sessions. Or for many, peer-led support may be the first time a person realizes that they no longer have to suffer in silence. They are feeling heard, have a safe place to tell their story, and can get help finding resources.

This past summer, after getting to know one of the local non-profit organizations I was asked to join their team. As they enter their sixth year, they found the demand for services has grown beyond what the director can manage on her own.

At first, I was reluctant to accept. Imposter syndrome and self-doubt came out loud and strong! I just couldn’t get myself to believe that I would have anything useful to offer this successful organization. Then, I stopped myself. I began to accept that there was no way the director of the program would ask me to join the team if she didn’t think I could contribute. So, I accepted. I joined the team of EmpowerSurvivors in September.

I have always used the metaphor of climbing a mountain when I speak or write about my healing journey. The more I’ve healed, the metaphor has changed to roads instead of mountains. I like to take different roads as they appear in the distance. Being a part of EmpowerSurvivors is definitely a new and wonderful road and…I’ll take it!

[image error]

 

image source: madhu-shesharam-unsplash

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

Owl’s of the Past

A little fiction…

Looking back, she realized it may have been her secret intention to leave her known world behind all along. She had been dreaming of the ocean. The diamond-glinted turquoise waters, and the sound of waves comforting her restless soul. She wanted to find some peace, some quiet, some insight into why her life had unfolded into the daily grind of never-ending responsibility.

Knowing that an ocean adventure was well out of her budget, she set her sights closer to home, and thought a little weekend away at a cabin in the woods was just what she needed.

The advertisement for the cabin had been benign, but enticing. North woods rustic cabin with expansive views of Owl Lake. Firewood included. That was the draw, she was willing to go without indoor plumbing, but cut and available firewood was the luxury item that sparked her interest. There were photos of nearby labyrinths to walk, and a telescope ensconced in a grand old gazeebo pointing to the stars that called to her desire to connect with nature.

The name of the lake also caught her attention. She felt at peace with the sound of the owls. They brought her comfort. Never quite knowing why she was drawn to them, just knowing that the call of the owl always relaxed her and made her feel safe. She began dreaming of sitting by the fireplace; reading, writing in her journal, snacking on simple meals and resting. She made reservations and was on the road the following week.

The drive was uneventful. Miles of cows, forest, big blue sky, and puffy white clouds. The radio-gods were with her, playing song after song of beloved classic hits of her teens and twenty’s.  Each song bringing back memories of unabashed fun with long-ago friends. The time of life when she was invincible; a free and easy spirit. For just a moment, before the next song played, she began to think about how it all went sideways. How did she end up, in a life that was unfulfilling and stagnant? She shuddered and left the thought behind as she belted out the next song.

Her GPS indicated that her turn off was a mile away. As she drove the twisty turny dusty roads she noticed how thick and foggy the woods were becoming. Not the thick impenetrable fog that you can’t see through, this was different. This fog felt almost enchanted, full of dancing colors of green and blue. She laughed to herself, thinking that she must really need a vacation.

At last, she arrived at the long narrow driveway. Parking her car and looking around she felt a sense of electricity in the air. The trees were a dense dark green, the ground was lush and moist with the dew that hadn’t dried off from the morning sun. But there was something else that had caught her eye. The sparkle of Owl Lake that expanded from the back of the cabin was stunning. It almost looked like the ocean she had been dreaming about the past few weeks. Closing her eyes for a moment, she thought she heard the sound of waves crashing against the shore. Shaking her head, she got her bearings, grabbed her backpack and unlocked the door to the cabin.

Immediately she was drawn to the sliding back door. Drawn to the deck as if a siren song was playing in the distance; as if she was being called to the aft of a ship to look for mermaids. Dropping her backpack on the floor she slid the heavy door open, stepping onto a thickly wooded platform she found she was suddenly floating on a vast ocean.

Stunned at the sudden jolt of being adrift on the high seas, she began to scream for help. She was steady on the deck, but as she turned around the woods had disappeared, there was nothing behind her but ocean. Not knowing what to do, she threw open the sliding glass door, and stepped back into the cabin, hoping that she had just experienced the most intense hallucination of her life.

Back inside, she closed her eyes tight and said a quick prayer that this was all a dream. She prayed that when she opened her eyes she would see the dense woods through the front door and her car at the end of the driveway.  But all she saw was the waves of a turquoise sea lapping against the cabin that had suddenly transformed into a boat.

The realization that this wasn’t a dream brought her to her knees. She sat down and with her head in her hands wondering if she had died. Was she in heaven or hell? Was she dreaming? What was happening?

The boat seemed to be on a course, somehow steering itself. Was she on a ghost ship? As fear overtook her, she curled tight against the wall and fell into a dreamless sleep.

She woke up to the rhythmic rocking of the cabin on the sea. A bit disoriented, but with steady sea-legs she opened the deck door and stood in the clear starlit sky. Breathing in the sea air she suddenly developed a knowing and trusting awareness. She decided to quell her fear and not think about what was happening until the morning.

As the pink sky appeared over the horizon she noticed the unmistakable outline of land. Her heart quickening, she found that the fear that had overtaken her when the cabin became a boat was again tightening her chest and constricting her throat. Where was she landing and who would be on that island?

The current brought the cabin to rest on the island. In front of her lay a beautiful white sandy beach and a green, steep mountain range. Getting off the boat and nervously looking around she felt a strange sensation; electric shivers coursing through her body. Looking up towards the highest mountain peak, she noticed a black owl totem, with piles of firewood neatly stacked in front of it.

Hugging herself, she looked back towards the turquoise sea, the sun glinting like diamonds upon the water. Behind her the call of an owl high on the mountain reminded her she was home. Walking up the mountain, she turned around once again, and remembered!

[image error]

photo:pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

The Whispering Dark Shadows

Dark shadows once quiet

whisper

come with me

Tempting me

with safe corners

in darkened rooms

Shadows playing on the wind

then falling

deep into silence

tempting me to follow

I learned long ago

to listen to the shadows

to feel the yin

to acknowledge the damp, deep cold

I’ll settle in

with the softest of down

and multi-layers of love

until the whispering dark shadows

are quiet once again

[image error]

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph