Alexis Rose's Blog, page 5

Road Tripping with PTSD

As summer begins to wane and the occasional cool breeze brings a hint of fall in the evenings,  I find myself packing to hit the road to participate in an art and authors festival in Northern Minnesota. It’s been planned since last winter, but I gave it zero thoughts until this week. I’m excited because I will be traveling with my bestie and we have always wanted to take a road trip together, but the driver is someone I don’t know. I’m a bit anxious about that part of it because it’s not easy for me to travel and manage my symptoms, especially around strangers. I don’t want to be the person who appears nervous, edgy or aloof as I navigate new places and different surroundings.

Traveling with PTSD takes a lot of planning on my part, and I have to be aware that this time of year can bring about triggers as the evenings turn a bit fall-like. I have to make sure I have some plans firmly in place so my fun little road trip doesn’t become a series of frightening flashbacks or anxiety-riddled days of being overwhelmed and hypervigilant.

I absolutely love the freedom of hitting the road. I love the spontaneity of it, and the possibilities of  “let’s take this road and see where it leads” adventure. I love to explore, I love new places, I love new people! These things appeal to my carefree nature but unless I’m planful, these experiences of joy can often be squashed by PTSD symptoms that lie just below the surface.

My trauma occurred over a 20-year period in many different places throughout the world. I can be triggered by certain smells, sounds, the way the wind blows, dialect, and many other things. Sometimes, that can start a flashback. Sometimes, I get disoriented and anxious, and sometimes it’s just a general feeling of knowing something’s off. When I’m at home, I can figure out ways to ground myself, get support or use one of my distress tolerance tools to ride out the wave. When I travel, things are unfamiliar and it takes longer to come out of a trigger.

Another symptom of my PTSD is that I become overwhelmed in busy, loud, places — restaurants, for example. It’s very easy for me to get flooded by too many menu choices and a voracious appetite can become non-existent. Before PTSD, I loved trying new food and going to restaurants that I wouldn’t have visited while in my hometown.

Busy roads while not necessarily triggering, can be overwhelming for me. The speed and crowded freeways can be overstimulating, and I tend to get anxious.  The same anxiety I used to feel in gridlock or driving at night with 18-wheelers whizzing by is now more pronounced for me. My anxiety is ramped up because my perpetrators often drove me to places across the country.

My support system is different when I travel. For my family, it’s often a good respite for them when I go out of town for a few days. It’s not an easy decision for them to let me go off without one of them accompanying me. So, a lot of moving parts must happen before I leave. My support works together to provide regual check-ins and remains available if I need to reach out. It feels uncomfortable for me to know that I require this support, but I’m grateful that I have this in place so I can do the things I would like to do and experience new adventures.

Road Trippin’ with PTSD is certainly a challenge, but not impossible. In fact, with a bit of planning and the agreement to tell my travel companion if I’m having any symptoms and their willingness to be fluid with plans this adventure is not only possible, it’s happening!

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Photo by Madhu Shesharam on Unsplash

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph    

Fly free little bird; Remember the lessons of the flowers

Stretching and flapping her strong wings

this is the eve of our youngest bird

preparing to fly far from the nest.

Across the country

the hallowed halls of law are ready to take our bird

on her chosen path; her next life steps.

I know that as she embarks

on this  journey that our little bird will

take with her the lessons from the flowers.

She will persevere and grow

Silently displaying her inner beauty and strength

She will reach towards the sun, hold fast during storms

and live life fully in bloom.

Fly free little bird. Enjoy, and remember the lessons from the flowers.

[image error]©Alexis Rose, Photo by Chloe Si on Unsplash

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

It’s Okay; You’re Okay!

It’s okay to just be in the moment

of love, acceptance respect, and friendship

It’s okay to let yourself feel

love, acceptance, respect, and friendship

It’s okay to give

love, acceptance, respect, and friendship

You’re okay and worthy

of being heard, being seen, being loved

The squeeze of a friend’s hand

That reassuring knowing

that whatever version of you shows up

it is okay; that you are okay

Being in the moment

Feeling the love, giving love

It’s okay, you’re okay

And the world shines brighter

Because you are in it!

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©words and photo: Alexis Rose

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

Crosswinds

Two souls and a dog

create a circle of healing

Encompassed with compassion and empathy

the misted space is safe and authentic

Words, hopes, and dreams

for a gentle life

become

more than an inaudible whisper to the stars

in the shadow of the night

Misted crosswinds

fuel safety and trust

Possibilities are endless

in a circle of healing

breath, gratitude, hope

and a dog

[image error]©Alexis Rose,  Photo by Jack Brind on Unsplash

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

Adventures of Yesterday

Adventures of yesterday

are the shadows that promise

that there is light

just beyond the curve.

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©From the collaboration, Of Earth and Sky by Alexis Rose and photographer Shelley Bauer.

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

An Agile Survivor

I was fine

Then it seems I wasn’t

What happened?

Seems I forgot

Then I remembered

Okay – now what?

My quirks began to make sense

to me, my family and friends

Am I irreparably damaged?

No, no I’m not

but there are limitations

They don’t define me

but it’s hard and confusing

to understand what that really means

Acceptance, self-compassion

understanding

So now what?

I work on healing

exploring new ways to live

within my limitations

Knowing the skeleton hands

may come and go

stress and health

ebb and flow, sometimes taking away hours

teaching me to notice the gift of perfect moments

of  breath, peace, and exhaled contentment

I wasn’t fine

Now I am – at this moment

I recognize and I’m grateful for impermanence

What happened?

I live the potential

embrace the possibility

and embody compassionate healing

I become who I am ~ who I always was

not broken, not fragile

An Agile Survivor

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©Alexis Rose, image source: Pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

Ageless

Throwing caution to the wind

dancing

running

skinny dipping in the river

secrets

singing in unison

off-key, on key, harmonized – back-up singing rock stars

cruising with the top down

THAT song…blast that song

Was that my back – my knee – my neck

the pain of play, of life, of age

Wait I need my glasses ~ there we go

What is gravity doing to my body – those used to be higher

They are playing THAT song,  Blast it!

throw caution to the wind

dance

run

skinny dip in the river

whisper secrets

sing loud, soft – any key

cruise with the top down

Smile – it’s life

We’re Ageless!

[image error]©Alexis Rose, image source Pixabay

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

Barefoot

Feet soaking up the heat

lavender toes

sun glistening

birds singing

surrounded by trees, a chair, a stack of books

Freedom from shoes and socks

flip-flops resting by the door

The intensity when the energy

simultaneously surges upward

yet grounds and roots

connecting me to the earth

The ancients footfalls echo underneath me

pulling, comforting aftershocks of fire and dance

securing the tie to all who walked here before

and to all those who will walk in the future

On the same ground

I walk a different path

but I know our hearts are the same

our truth of love is the same

we do the best we can

In a flap of a butterflies wing

the simple flutter of the leaves

the buzz of the bee and the child’s laugh

once again it becomes clear

we are one…barefoot

[image error]©Alexis Rose, image source: google images

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

Message of the Water

I listened to the message of the water

as the waves lapped and splashed on the rocks

At first, I thought it was inviting me

to dive deep

to trust the cool darkness

and the baptizing waves

For the tiniest of seconds

my mind grew dark

as the tricky light of the clouds

passed across the sun

I turned and found the place

where the rocks were both

smooth and rough all at once

full of the earth’s energy

each stone delivering a surge

in both my hands and feet

The waves splashing against

the ancient log told me to

stop ~ listen to waves

feel ~ smell the cool, clean water air

taste the humidity

sit ~ breathe

I heard what the water had to say

its message soft, but loud and clear

it brought a smile to my face

and a relaxed peace to my heart

I listened, my heart listened and I received the message of the water

[image error]©words and photo Alexis Rose

Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph      

 

Fireworks and PTSD

We are heading into the week of 4th of July.  The holiday lands on a Thursday this year. The firework store billboards are now up, looming huge on the side of the road, and the fireworks-stands seem to pop up out of nowhere in the parking lot of strip malls. Business must be pretty good, because already many, many people are shooting off fireworks and firecrackers at all hours of the day and night.

I understand the fun and enjoyment some people may have from setting off fireworks. Although there are many legal fireworks for sale in the state where I live, there is a never-ending supply of both legal and illegal varieties lying in wait for the excited revelers to buy just across our state-line. There you can purchase the big ones, the percussion of which shakes the houses in the neighborhood.

We have become accustomed to many of our local county fairs shooting off a fireworks display at the end of the night before they close down for the day. But over the last few years, people are shooting them off at random times during the day, and the night. Sometimes at midnight or later, we will hear a loud percussive blast coming from somewhere in the neighborhood. Just one, loud blast that jolts you from sleep, and can cause great distress for animals, and young children.

Unfortunately for some of our combat veterans, the random fireworks/firecrackers going off can be extremely anxiety provoking and be triggering. For some vets with post-traumatic stress disorder, that string of firecrackers may sound like automatic weapons fire, and the big explosions may sound like the IEDs that threatened so many of their lives.

Flashbacks are a horrible reliving of past traumatic events. When you are setting off these illegal fireworks, chances are there is someone hearing them who are struggling with their combat-related trauma.  If you are unable to resist the urge to set-off those huge explosions, then please consider driving out somewhere that is less populated.

For many dogs, the sounds reverberating off the other houses can often make them disoriented and traumatized.  Their stress level becomes unbearable and some of our animals run away or get lost. There are numerous stories about the many dogs winding up in shelters, especially during the days right before and after the 4th of July.

If this is happening in your neighborhood, try talking to your neighbors who are setting off the big ones, or write them a letter. Often people don’t know that they may be causing harming to some of our vets, scaring our little children, or making our animals shake with fear.

In many neighborhoods where I live, the 4th of July has gone from, the ooh and ahh of fireworks displays at the local parks, to almost every house having their own sunup to sundown fireworks/firecrackers celebrations.

People who suffer from PTSD, (whether it is combat-induced or trauma-related) will try to do what they can to take care of themselves over the next week. Typically, I would escape to the secluded boundary waters canoe area for four days, coming back after the 4th. This year, I need to stay home and care for my dog who is becoming more and more agoraphobic the past few weeks with the increasing lighting of firecrackers at all hours of the day and night.

Please be courteous when setting off your fireworks and firecrackers at your home. Be thoughtful not only of our veterans but also the small children, the elderly, pets, and others who may suffer from illness and startle easily.

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Thank you for reading my books: If I Could Tell You How It Feels, and Untangled, A Story of Resilience, Courage, and Triumph