Matt Fradd's Blog, page 22

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Parents

The Fourth Commandment tells us to honor our parents. This means we should love, respect, and care for them.

But what if you have a codependent parent-child relationship? Codependent parents are unhealthily attached to their adult children and excessively interfere with their lives. This often makes the adult child feel resentful and want to pull away.

Does the Fourth Commandment require you, the independent adult, to submit to your parent’s every wish? The answer is no.

You have a right to set reasonable boundaries with your parents. Here are some tips for achieving that.

 

1. Don’t let your parents’ reactions determine your boundaries.
How people respond to your boundaries doesn’t determine the reasonableness of your boundaries. Because a codependent parent already has an unhealthy idea of what their relationship with you should be, they’ll probably respond negatively to some of the lines you draw. And that’s okay.

2. Don’t fall for the claim that boundaries are “unchristian.”
If you want proof that boundaries are compatible with Christianity, look to Jesus Christ. In the Gospels, Christ often removed Himself from the crowd, and even His apostles, to spend time alone with His Father.

It’s reasonable to assume that His apostles wanted to follow Him — they never seemed to leave His side! Yet Christ shows that it’s okay to have a well-defined personal space.

3. Implement boundaries in stages.
Start with a minimal boundary that will let you achieve whatever it is you need to improve your relationship with your parent. You don’t want to make things worse by being stricter than necessary. If that minimal boundary is not respected, take it up a notch.

4. Don’t create boundaries simply to hurt your parent.
The ultimate goal of boundaries is to create a healthier relationship with your parent. Don’t do it to get back at them or make their life miserable.

Communicate this to them. Even if your boundaries are completely justified, your parent may interpret them as a personal attack. Make sure they know you’re drawing these lines out of love.

In fact, setting healthy boundaries is a great example of honoring your parents. Codependent parents do themselves a disservice by being unnecessarily intrusive in their children’s lives.

The bottom line is, honor your parents, but don’t let them dictate your life. Respectfully listen to their opinions, but know that you are answerable to God and His call for your life.

 

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Why Cigars Are Awesome

G.K. Chesterton once wrote, “In Catholicism, the pint, the pipe, and the cross can all fit together.” We here at Pints With Aquinas completely agree, although we’d also like to throw cigars into that mix. We think good ole’ G.K. would be okay with that.

Smoking often gets a bad rap from other non-Catholic Christians, quasi-Christians, and even certain Catholics. Some think that smoking is sinful. And many Leftists would love to cancel your smoking alongside your car, burger, and fireplace.

Well, they’re all wrong! Of course, over-indulging on cigars, cigarettes, and pipes can be sinful. And not everyone should smoke, including those with certain health or addiction issues.

But smoking in itself is a beautiful thing. And cigars, pipes, and cigarettes each add their own stamp to the experience.

Here, we’ll focus on cigars and why they’re so incredibly awesome!

Cigars are great for contemplation
Let’s face it: Many of us need a lot more contemplation in life. Our fast-paced world encourages us to quickly go from one thing to the next, and to always stay busy. We then become consumed by this world and forget to let our souls breathe and take some time to contemplate the true, good, and beautiful.

A cigar is our giant NO to a world that doesn’t want us to think for ourselves, that merely wants us to comply.

There’s nothing quite like kicking back with a good cigar and letting your thoughts rise to the heavens on wisps of smoke. Those who have never tried cigars don’t realize just how much cigars can inspire deep thoughts. But there’s a reason why many great, insightful writers, artists, and thinkers smoked cigars!

The Mill Brothers know what we’re talking about. To quote their song “Smoke Rings”:

“Where do they go, the smoke rings I blow each night? What do they do, those circles of blue and white? O little smoke rings I love, please take me above!”

Cigars represent the spirited part of the human person
Author Michael P. Foley has compared pipes, cigarettes, and cigars to Plato’s view of the tripartite soul. The pipe corresponds to the rational part of the soul. You often see photos of professors with pipes — we bet that J.R.R. Tolkien popped into some of your minds!

For Foley, the cigarette corresponds to the appetitive part of the soul. We often go for cigarettes when we simply need a smoke right now.

The cigar corresponds to that noble-spirited part of us — the chest. That’s because a cigar is more about what you blow out than what you inhale. It’s therefore no surprise that great speakers and politicians — such as Winston Churchill — loved cigars.

Of course, we will never find full satisfaction in any earthly thing. True happiness is only obtained in heaven. But God in His mercy has given us little foretastes of joy sprinkled here and there.

Some of us find echoes of this joy in cigars. Let’s offer this joy back to God and let our smoking fuel beautiful, holy thoughts!

 

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Do This Before You Judge Your Neighbor

It’s ironic. In many ways, we live in one of the most tolerant ages in history. Yet, many of us — liberals, moderates, and conservatives alike — love getting up on our pedestals and dealing out judgment on our neighbors.

You see this a lot on social media: name-calling, rash judgment about people’s motives, and an ad nauseum amount of ad hominem arguments.

We see the bitter fruits of this behavior — those we judge attack us back. The cycle of hate continues.

Of course, we sometimes need to judge people’s actions. We’re not saying you should turn a blind eye to evil.

But how we judge matters. Many people jump right to judging and skip the secret ingredient: love.

You need to love people into letting go
You need to love before you judge. Love your neighbor into letting go of their faults.

Love is like the fuel in a car. When your car tank is empty, you can’t yell at it for not going where you want it to go. The car can’t do anything about it. It doesn’t have gas.

It’s the same way with us. How can you yell at your neighbor for not changing direction when they have no fuel? Love is the fuel. You need to love them into life.

It’s possible that your neighbor may use that “gas” to continue going down the wrong road. But at least you’ve given them a fighting chance to change direction.

But if you just judge them, they stay stuck in the mud.

Continue loving while you correct someone
Not only should love precede judgment. It should inspire the way you correct your neighbor. As we said, love doesn’t mean ignoring things that shouldn’t be ignored. It just means not trying to cut someone down, but instead building them up.

It means showing your neighbor that you believe in them and their ability to change (with God’s grace, of course).

If you struggle to show love when correcting someone, ask God for help. Remember the great mercy He has shown you. After all, you are full of your own sins. Don’t be too quick to jump on someone just because they struggle with something you don’t.

Let’s close with this beautiful passage from “The Lord of the Rings.” When Frodo laments the fact that Bilbo didn’t slay the weasley Gollum when he had the chance, Gandalf tells him:

“It was pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand…Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends…My heart tells me that [Gollum] has some part to play in it, for good or ill, before the end…The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.”

 

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3 Reasons Why We Still Need the Latin Mass

Every form of the Mass officially approved by the Church is beautiful. This includes the Novus Ordo — at least, when it’s said with reverence.

But there is a beauty and depth to the Traditional Latin Mass that’s hard to beat. It’s no surprise that faithful Catholics are flocking to it.

Of course, many in the Church would love to see this venerable form of worship vanish from the earth. But the Traditional Latin Mass still has a place in our Church and world.

Here’s why.

1. We still need beauty
We in the West live in possibly the most consumeristic age in history. We accumulate things that have little worth. We gorge ourselves on unhealthy food. We spend hours mindlessly scrolling on social media. Limitless porn is only a few clicks away.

We have everything we need to “satisfy” our appetites, but we’re starving for authentic truth, goodness, and beauty. The Traditional Latin Mass shocks those who first attend it with a radiance not of this world. The beautiful gestures, prayers, silence, and chants lift us up to a higher spiritual plane.

Not that there can’t be a beautiful Novus Ordo Mass. Priests need to follow Vatican II’s guidance on the liturgy and bring back a sense of the sacred to this form of the Mass. For example, Vatican II called for Gregorian chant and sacred polyphony. But we rarely find these in parishes that supposedly follow Vatican II.

2. Young people are flocking to Traditional Latin Mass
This is an uncomfortable truth for those still convinced that the Mass needs to be radically modernized. If you go to many “modern” parishes today, you’ll often see a sea of older people. Young adults are noticeably absent.

But young people are flocking to the Traditional Latin Mass, and are wondering why this treasure was denied to them. They don’t want “fashionable” liturgy; they want something that is eternally relevant.

So if you’re still not convinced of the Latin Mass’s intrinsic worth, there’s also a practical aspect: the Catholic Church today is losing young people like crazy. Without them, many parishes will close in the future.

To keep the Church young, we need to keep the old traditions.

3. It has a positive effect on the Novus Ordo
We know that after Vatican II (but not because of it), many parishes went wild with liturgical experimentation. This posed a risk: Would these irreverent Masses be all that future seminarians know?

Thankfully, both Pope St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI did a lot to loosen restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. This was a great thing not only for adherents of that Mass, but also for the Novus Ordo. The Traditional Latin Mass has inspired many seminarians to celebrate the Novus Ordo with greater reverence.

The Traditional Latin Mass has an important role to play in the Church today. Of course, it’s wrong to use it as an excuse for disobedience to the pope and bishops. Instead, we obediently encourage our shepherds to see just how much glorious fruit has come from this true experience of heaven on earth.

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How Should You Discipline Your Toddler?

Toddlers are cute. They can also drive you crazy with their screaming and obstinance.

But what’s a parent to do? These kids don’t have full control over their behavior yet. Maybe you wonder if disciplining your toddler does more harm than good.

Our friend Dr. Matt Breuninger knows a ton about the toddler brain. Here are his tips on whether you should discipline your toddler and — if so — how to go about it.

Remember that we are developmental creatures
Many parents know that their toddler isn’t fully developed mentally and behaviorally. Still, some don’t appreciate just how underdeveloped a toddler’s brain is compared to theirs. A toddler isn’t just a little adult.

The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that controls inhibition and planning — won’t be fully developed until the child is between 21 and 23 years old. This means it’s constantly firing, rewiring, growing, and making connections. Any information the toddler’s brain receives from you may quickly be swept away. This is where discipline comes in.

You DO need discipline
In answer to the question “Am I expecting too much from my toddler?” the answer is always yes — in a sense. You should have expectations, but not the same as you would have for an adult. A three-year-old is not going to walk up to their mother and say, “Greetings, Mother. Would you like me to clean my room today?” That’s something you should expect from a teen — although that’s another battle to discuss another time.

But you do need to have rules and structure. There absolutely should be discipline. Through repeated acts of discipline, you’re helping to shape your toddler’s growing mind.

You need patient repetition
You can’t expect a toddler to master a rule or behavior after being disciplined once or twice. Repetition is key. Toddlers struggle to learn without repetition. They can’t abstract or do long-term planning, and their memories are REALLY short-term.

For example, you may tell your toddler to go upstairs and clean up their toys. If you ask them to repeat those instructions back to you, they may respond with something completely different. But as you patiently repeat this assignment over time, they’ll start to remember.

Avoid giving your child an assignment you know they won’t be able to complete
But what if you just can’t get your toddler to clean their room? Then start small. Break the job down into smaller tasks. For example, instead of telling them to clean their whole room, teach them to put their shoes away in the closet.

Don’t be surprised, though, if your toddler fails even these simple tasks the first ten times or so. Don’t let this make you impatient. Remember, your toddler has a brain that still has a lot of developing to do. And they’re literally having to learn EVERYTHING: speaking, grammar, how to treat people, etc.

Expect failure. We don’t mean to settle for failure, but expect it so you can approach your child with patience and love. And be patient with yourself, too. You’re a loving but imperfect parent. Do a gentle examination of yourself each night to see where you can improve.

When you feel tempted to let it all out on your toddler, remember we adults are like toddlers in relation to our heavenly Father. How many times do we make the same mistakes? For most of us, a lot. But our Father still loves us and is patient with us as He gently guides us to become the people we are called to be.

Let’s imitate His love with our own kids.

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Is the SSPX Doctrinally Sound?

The Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) adheres to a form of Traditionalism that undermines the authority of the church hierarchy. Many of their adherents reject Vatican II and some teachings of recent popes.

In many ways, it’s easy to be sympathetic to the SSPX. They rightly decry the liberalism and liturgical abuses that have infiltrated many parishes in the past half-century or so. They defend the enduring value of so much of our great Catholic tradition.

Some of these are doctrinal, which is ironic since the SSPX always talks about how faithful they are to Church’s Tradition.

Here is why the SSPX is not as doctrinally sound as you may think.

They reject certain required teachings.
Pope St. John Paul II’s 1989 Profession of Faith includes propositions that we must accept as Catholics. It includes the three categories of official Church teaching:

Dogma — That which the Church teaches as revealed truth, which must be believed by a divine and catholic faith.Other definitive teachings — These are teachings that must be definitively held (Both this and dogma are considered infallible teachings).Nondefinitive, authoritative teachings — These are doctrines that aren’t infallibly defined. As we said in an earlier blog, elements of these teachings may change over time. But they are still authoritatively taught by the Church and require our religious assent of intellect and will.

The SSPX has no issue with the first two categories, but it rejects the third. This is odd since many of the pre-Vatican II popes the SSPX admires also taught that nondefinitive doctrines authoritatively taught by the pope must be accepted by Catholics.

Again, elements of these teachings may change over time, but when they are being taught, we are bound to accept them. Period. This includes the teachings of Vatican II. These teachings may not be infallibly defined, but they are still authoritatively taught.

Many adherents of the SSPX reject Vatican II and the 1989 Profession of Faith, both of which the Church requires us to accept. This makes them doctrinally deficient.

They undermine the legitimate authority of the papacy.
The SSPX is perhaps most infamous for selecting their own bishops contrary to the will of the pope. This behavior goes against divine law. Bishops receive their mission from the pope, not a society acting contrary to him.

The SSPX tries to excuse itself by saying it has an extraordinary mission. It admits that it doesn’t have a canonical or juridical mission. One of its priests even said that the SSPX operates contrary to the will of the princes of the Church.

But in order to have an extraordinary mission, you have to prove it by canonically approved miracles. Plus, extraordinary missions always need to act in consonance with the ordinary mission to be legitimate.

Again, there are many members of the SSPX who have understandable grievances with so many of the abuses we see in the Church today. But this is not an excuse for attacking the lawful authority of the Church established by Christ Himself.

Don’t fall for the claim that the SSPX is merely defending “Tradition.” Few things are as anti-Tradition as rejecting authoritative teachings the Church requires you to submit to.

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What Some Eastern Orthodox Get Wrong About the Immaculate Conception

As Catholics, we firmly profess Mary’s Immaculate Conception. It’s a dogma of the Church requiring the highest level of assent. It means that the Blessed Virgin Mary — from the moment of her conception — was preserved from original sin.

Original sin deprives us of sanctifying grace and wounds our human nature. But Mary had the gift of sanctifying grace her entire life.

Not all Eastern Orthodox believers agree with the Catholic Church about the Immaculate Conception. Some simply object to the language that is used. They think the Church’s use of the word “stain” with regard to original sin is too strong.

Other Eastern Orthodox completely reject the belief that Mary was conceived without original sin, although many think God later removed it from her.

Here is the Catholic response.

Death is the result of sin, but there are exceptions.
First, let’s note that the question of whether Mary died before being assumed into heaven is open to debate. But many Church Fathers believed that she did die, so we’ll hold that for the sake of argument.

Eastern Orthodox say that her death resulted from her inheriting original sin. That makes sense since death is a punishment for original sin.

But there are exceptions to this general rule. For example, the Old Testament figures of Enoch and Elijah are believed to have gone straight to heaven without dying. Yet there’s no indication that these men were free of original sin.

Some Eastern Orthodox — pointing to a belief by some that Enoch and Elijah would return at the end of time — say that they are coming again in order to die. But there’s no solid evidence of this. The Church Fathers are not in unanimity on this point.

The key here is that while death and original sin are normally linked, we have exceptions where people with original sin don’t die and those with it do die. If God can make exceptions for Enoch and Elijah, He can do it for His Mother.

If Mary died, her death may have not been like normal human death.
As we said, many Church Fathers believed that Mary died. This includes such luminaries as St. John of Damascus and St. Andrew of Crete. But when you examine all of these “dormition” Fathers, you’ll notice that they treat Mary’s death as being very different from ours.

If she died in a unique way, this weakens the argument that her death was due to original sin.

As Catholics, we have a lot in common with our Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters. But Mary’s Immaculate Conception is a dogma we will defend as God’s revelation. Let’s pray that as we near the 1,000-year anniversary of the split between Rome and the East, the Eastern Orthodox come to fully embrace this immensely beautiful truth of our faith.

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Did Pope Benedict XVI Really Resign?

“Sedevacantists” are people who say that the office of the papacy is currently vacant. In other words, they don’t think the current pope is really the pope. Most sedevacantists hold that all popes since Pius XII or John XXIII are actually antipopes.

Recently, a new variation of this spiritual disease has emerged: “Benevacantism.” Benevacantists believe that Pope Benedict XVI was the real pope until his death at the end of 2022. They say that his resignation in 2013 wasn’t legitimate; therefore, Pope Francis is not the real pope.

We love Pope Benedict and miss him dearly. But he really did resign in 2013. Here’s how we know.

The pope does not need to resign in any specific way.
The conditions required for a pope to resign are that he does it freely and makes it manifest. That’s what the law of the Church provides. He doesn’t even have to write a resignation letter.

In 2013 — when Pope Benedict broke the shocking news — he made it clear that he was going to resign in such a way that the See of Peter would be vacant. He also said that a conclave would be called to elect a new pope. He emphasized that he would no longer be pope after the resignation went into effect.

That’s pretty manifest! Also, there’s no solid evidence that the pope was forced to resign. Therefore, Pope Benedict’s actions meet the criteria of a legitimate resignation.

By giving up the ministry, the pope gave up the office.
A theory of some Benevacantists is that Pope Benedict didn’t give up the office of pope, but only the active ministry of teaching and governing. The problem with this argument is that jurisdiction makes a man a pope and jurisdiction involves teaching and governing.

By admitting that Pope Benedict gave up the ministry of teaching and governing, Benevacantists are really admitting that he gave up the papacy in full. That’s because if he gave up teaching and governing, he gave up jurisdiction. And if he gave up jurisdiction, he gave up the office of pope.

Pope Benedict continued to pray and suffer for the universal Church during the last years of his life. But this didn’t make him head of the Church.

We’re not required to be personal fans of any one pope. Some people have concerns about Pope Francis and think that Benedict was a better pope.

But Francis is the real pope. We are bound in conscience to accept him as such and obey him when he acts with the authority of his office.

After all, this is Christ’s Church, not ours.

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Why Ad Orientem Needs to Come Back

In Latin, ad orientem means “to the east.” In the Catholic liturgy, it refers to the priest and the congregation facing the same direction during Mass. Traditionally, churches were built so that everyone faced east together. While many newer churches don’t face east, the phrase ad orientem continues to be used whenever the priest and the people face the same direction.

Ad orientem was — and still is — a feature of the Traditional Latin Mass. You can also celebrate the New Mass this way, although in most New Masses the priest faces the congregation. Contrary to common belief, the Vatican II documents didn’t call for this change of direction; it came several years later.

Some Catholics strongly object to the “old” ad orientem style of Mass. They complain that the priest “turns his back on the people.” Other Catholics strongly support ad orientem becoming standard again in the New Mass. Of course, Traditional Latin Mass attendees still have it.

There are some good reasons to fully bring back ad orientem in the New Mass. Here are a few.

1. It puts more focus on Christ
There is nothing inherently wrong with the priest and people facing each other during Mass. But there can be a tendency to focus too much on the priest. Many priests feel more pressure to be funny, clever, or creative when everyone is looking at them. At times, it feels like the relationship between an actor and his audience.

When the priest faces the same direction as the congregation, many of these pressures are lifted. He is focused on the sacrifice before him. He’s talking not to the people, but to Christ. The people — no longer in a position to analyze the facial expressions of the priest — can more easily turn their attention to Christ.

Of course, the priest has always faced the people during moments of the Mass, such as the homily. But that’s because those are times for instruction. The rest of the Mass is for a more intimate union with Christ in the Eucharist.

2. It represents our pilgrimage to heaven
Let’s face it, in our consumerist culture, we need frequent reminders that earth is not our final home. We are made for eternal joy in heaven!

The beautiful thing about ad orientem is that it reminds us that we are pilgrims on a journey back to God. The “east” represents Jerusalem — not only the earthly one, but the heavenly Jerusalem.

Throughout history, many Christians believed that Christ would return from the east. And the east is where the sun rises — a powerful symbol of the resurrection.

3. It’s a long-standing tradition
Not everything that’s traditional needs to endure. But when it comes to the liturgy, you should be VERY careful before changing anything, even those elements of the Mass subject to change.

We live in a world that feels increasingly cut off from the past. We need things in place to keep us connected to our great Catholic heritage.

Countless saints and sinners attended ad orientem Masses for centuries. There’s something consoling about sharing this tradition with them.

Again, all of this is not to say that Mass facing the people is bad. Many people derive a lot of spiritual fruits from such Masses.

But has it really improved the Church overall? That’s a question worth debating.

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In Defense of Fantasy

Do you love magical elves, fire-breathing dragons, and dwarves in their halls of stone? Or do you think that’s all a waste of time?

Not everyone has a taste for the fantastical. C.S. Lewis laments how neither of his parents ever listened for the horns of elfland. And that’s okay.

It’s one thing to prefer other genres of literature, but it’s another to accuse fantasy of being worthless, as some people do.

Good fantasy can shape our everyday lives in profound ways. Here are some to consider.

1. It helps us see the world as we should see it
We are blind creatures. Beauty surrounds us, yet in the hustle and bustle of life, we miss a lot: the dance of sunlight on the forest floor, the music of the birds, the smile of a child passing us on the street.

Subpar fantasy offers an escape from our world, but it doesn’t prepare us to reenter it. In contrast, good fantasy offers a retreat and sends us back to our world seeing it as we should have all along — transfigured in beauty and goodness.

After reading J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings,” some people said they have a heightened appreciation for a simple, hearty meal and a stroll through the woods. Fantasy removes the veil and reveals the richness — and dare we say “magic” — of real life.

It also whets our appetite for heaven. It awakens a longing in our souls for something beyond the veil of this world, preventing us from getting too cozy here or falling for sterile materialism.

2. It reveals the image of God stamped on our souls
God made us in His image. We show this in many ways, especially by being “creators.” We can’t create from nothing like God can. But we can take what He has made and produce new things. Tolkien referred to this as “sub-creation.”

When you invent an imaginary world, you become a humble image of God the creator. You reveal even more of His glory. God is found wherever beauty and goodness reside — even in imaginary worlds.

3. It contains moral and metaphysical truths
Although the world, characters, and plot of a fantasy story may not be literally true, this doesn’t mean there is no truth in fantasy. Fantasy sometimes does a better job of communicating moral and metaphysical truths than a textbook or lecture.

“The Lord of the Rings” is once again a great example. Who has read that great work and not been touched by the powerful messages? Here are a few classic lines:

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Haldir: The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.

Sam: It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. . . . Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. . . . There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

God created us for this world. And we can’t shirk our calling here. We need fantasy, but not to escape from reality. We need it as a reminder that hidden beneath the cloak of this world — with its noisy traffic, endless wars, and heart-wrenching suffering — there is a hidden magic.

That magic is the glory of God, who will one day transform everything in His redeeming love and bring His faithful ones to their ultimate happy ending in heaven.

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