Kirk B. Axelson's Blog

Change is Good

For the last 10 years, the kids and I would make a ritual to visit the grave site of their mother, release some balloons, go to lunch and spend the day together. Something different happen this year. Nicole, my daughter said she needed to talk to me about visiting mothers’ grave. I turned the television off and focused my attention on Nicole.

“Dad, I don’t understand why we go every year to mothers grave and celebrate her death. I understand when we were little why you did it out of respect. Now that we are older I’m confused as I don’t see why we have to make it a big ritual, the same thing over and over. I miss mom every day and the way I see it, I’ll miss her 60 more years. I’m sure mom is okay with us not visiting. I miss mom more on the important dates, graduation day, when I get married, my first baby, etc. Each day is hard”. Nicole is in tears.

It was difficult not to get teary-eyed myself. At first I was somewhat hurt that she wanted to do something else, it was like a routine, something I look forward in spending the day with the kids. Then it dawned on me, it’s not about me, it’s about her. I told her I was making that day special as I thought it was what you kids wanted, something we’ve done every year. I shared that early I had made an appointment on that day to install some draperies, and then realized I need to have that day off, then scrambled to get things moved around to have that day off.

The next morning while at breakfast Nicole and I brought it up with Brandon and he too agreed with Nicole. Later that day we went bowling and then dinner, and realized on the way back we never made it to the grave site.  I asked the kids “are you okay with this”? They both said “Yes”, and I too was okay with it.

 

Shift Happens

By making the change of not visiting the grave site, along with few other changes a shift happened to where I actually had a wonderful Christmas. I admit the last 10 years has been pretty painful during this time a year, where the wounds of the soul are reopened of memories, healings and wondering. In the past, the first few year the tears would get heavy around August and continue until January. As the years move on so did the months until Christmas. This year the tears didn’t happen until only a few days from her death.  Time heals the soul.

I believe the other changes come from my prayer partner from class. We pray for each other every day, giving each other spiritual mind treatment and meditating.  By speaking more affirmative within has shifted and created that space of love, joy, and happiness.  An enrichment of healing is filled with deep love for each other as we dig deep into our souls of knowing God is Good and God is with us at all times as we are connected among each other,that our thoughts make up the next day. By choosing better words and sentences we can change our destiny.  It goes like this; S + R = O. Situations + Response = Outcome. Whatever situation and response equals your outcome for the next day. It is here you begin to make better choices for a better outcome.

Another shift was finishing the book; writing FANTASTIC was difficult as it kept me stuck in the past for nearly four years. During the time I wasn’t aware that it was keeping me from moving forward. Traveling to the past is dangerous as you can become stuck and dwelling on the good and bad times. It feels so good to be done and moving forward, knowing that God has my back and more Fantastic times ahead.

Love and Blessing

Kirk Axelson

Fantastic Friday

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Spiritual in Addiction Recovery

I attended Spiritual in Recovery at Mile Hi Church on Wednesday evening just before evening services.  This group used to meet every Friday evening, and since moved to Wednesday nights at 6:00pm.  I was asked by Rev RAS to be part of this group because of my experiences in addiction. The turnout was incredibly fantastic of spiritual soles showing up to make a difference, to share, to heal and inspire.  The group format is community based in which the meeting is lead each week by a volunteer of the group, versus the same leader every week.

The topic this evening was “denial”  after a short while I spoke up and shared addiction choices, and denial experiences.  After the meeting I began contemplating more deeply with meditation about denial.

It came to me that denial was not being in truth with others and myself. If I couldn’t be honest with my wife, girlfriend, kids, co-workers, workers then I’m in denial. I also feel as this applies not only in addiction but asking for help in whatever I’m overwhelmed whether that is financially, depression, and sadness.  There is a part of me which I’m in denial that I’ll be rejected if I open up, it has happened in the past, and getting past that rejection has taken some nurturing.  It has taken tremendous amount of courage and vulnerably to begin opening up.

Stepping into any program of sharing takes courage, and I’m blessed to share that it all started when I stepped into bereavement with my wife and other losses as there again there is denial in “I don’t need that”. There comes a time when the soul breaks down to where the soul is directing you to seek relief, this applies to addiction, bankruptcy, death, losses, mental and physical.

I loved being part of this group, it couldn’t have come at a better time while reading the book “Practicing The Presence” for Practitioner training. It’s so inspiring to read in the depth of God and how the book touches my soul. So much needed as for several weeks I’ve been down and empty. I know now why, I’ve stepped away from God/Spirit and that it’s going to require practice, and practice to come to realization of the spirit is with in and every where all the time.

Love and Blessings

Kirk Axelson

FANTASTIC FRIDAY!

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Empowering Words Do Change Your Destiny

FAN-TAS-TIC!

It’s been eleven years practicing and spreading the word Fantastic to everyone including me. It also marks the anniversary of a word that changed my life forever!

Thursday June 26th2003, I attended event called “Unleash the Power Within” by Tony Robbins. Donna, my wife had been dead for six months; it had been two months since my accidental overdose to crystal meth, pornography, whiskey, and sleeping pills. I relapsed to crystal meth and pornography the weekend before the event.

Encouragement Makes a Difference

The day of the event I was scared to death and whipped out emotionally and physically. The demands of work, home, kids, withdrawals and the mind were swimming in doubt. Half of me was boiling with emotional rage, the other half pretending I was handling it. As the hour neared I convinced myself I’m not fucking going. Jessica pulled me aside and said, “You can do this. You need this. Do it for me.” With tears running down my cheeks, I agreed. Her soft spoken empowering words, hugs and kisses were all it took to calm me down and re-channel my mind.

Empowering Words Awake the Consciousness

By Saturday morning I was fired up making breakthrough after breakthrough. Tony shared a quote, “Past Does Not Equal the Future.” I paused for a moment; conscious awareness awoke and said, “Yes I can do this, the Past Does Not Equal the Future.” Even though, I was battling the feelings of Donna’s death, addicted to crystal meth, sex and pornography I could do anything! I began releasing the armor I had hidden; I was becoming a different man.

Energy Supercharged with Empowering Words

Tony Robbins high was wearing thin. Then I recalled that Tony suggested finding a word that moved you beyond your current state of mind. It was then I discovered FANTASTIC. I also discovered that it was hard to say, “Fantastic!” when the flood gates of tears and doubt rushed in. I had to reinforce myself to say the word Fantastic, whether I wanted to or not.

Reinforcing the Mind with Empowering Words

I was reminded by Nicole, my six year old daughter just how easy the mind wants to revert to the old way of processing and thinking. How easy it is to fall into the same trap of old mind thinking. I also felt the power of FANTASTIC to lift me above my current environment. Nicole too felt the uplifting and vibration of the empowering words and that word being FANTASTIC.

Reinforcing the Mind during Prayer

This practice works the same during mediation and prayer. We must reinforce our mind with who we are and that happens with positive reinforcing of the mind of just how good we are and how proud we are of ourselves. To know that we are one with God, the universe and that we do make a difference in this world. We all make a difference and we all can change our consciousness for the better versus betting ourselves up on the negative. Reinforce the mind with positive empowering affirmation, drowning out all the doubt that tries to tell us different.

FANTASTIC Shapes Destiny

By saying Fantastic every day compelled and evolved to accomplish so much and so can you. Below is a list of accomplishments I have endured, without Fantastic I couldn’t have done them.

Become  an author, motherhood, fatherhood, being of service, attend college, energized, empowerment, quit crystal meth, rise above depression, higher levels of self-esteem, publisher, video producer, manage stress, encourage others, self-confidence, get through bankruptcies, candid , truth, speaker, improv etc. The list goes on and on. FANTASTIC was the power to shape destiny.

I was reminded by a six year old, just how powerful the mind can be. Give it a try and practice and practice until you feel the energy of your empowering word. Be cautious as the mind will try to go back to the old way. Visit empowering word list here

You too can shape your destiny!

Love and Blessings

Kirk aka Fantastic Friday

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Inspirational Journey of a Men’s Retreat

April, 2014 I attended inspirational journey to Mile Hi Church Men’s retreat. The retreat titled “The drumbeat of men: dreams of the heart” was on progressive dream work. The presenter and expert was with Dr. Royce Fitts. The idea was to interpret another man’s dream and ask yourself “If this was my dream, what did the dream mean to you”. It was an interesting process to take a dream by someone else and apply the dream to me.

Getting past the fears and self-doubt

It was my second time to Mile Hi Men’s retreat. The first men’s retreat was an inspirational journey, enlightening  and emotionally draining as I worked on some past grieving and loss of Jessica, an old girlfriend. We had big dreams. It was time to let go so that I could set my dreams on another girl. I was nervous, scared, frightened and struggling with self-doubt to attend as I knew deep soul work would be involved, with the possibilities of heart wrenching tears. In this work I also knew through the tears, is freedom. I was determined and compelled to follow through. I knew this is a place to heal the heart among other men.

Where the work begins

The biggest impact of the men’s retreat was in the clan circles. This is where you are in groups of four to six men. In these clan groups you learn to trust each other with whatever issues you are facing. This is where the best deep rooted work one can do for himself. It’s where you open your heart and feel what is at the soul level of your heart. These are the secrets, the silent, and the positive you keep to yourself that weigh you down, afraid to share openly in the everyday world, the stuff that could shame your heart and soul from being you. In order to do this work I knew I would need to put aside “Fantastic Friday” from time to time.

Setting the mood

With the drumming, meditation, prayer and songs it sets the mood for spirit to flow within each other as a sacred place to begin the process of opening at the heart level. During one of the clan circles I split my heart wide open and cried about regrets of wishing I could take back all of what I did or done, if it would save Donna and bring her back. Regretting the poor choices I made in life, from the drugs, love affair, poor business decisions, and the failures, to the heart aches that I put on my children. The tears kept coming and coming. The tears have been heavy for the last year and I was ready to release them all. I felt safe crying among other men. It’s in the crying from the center of heart and soul without judgments or fixing that one heals and releases.

 Unexpected gift

A unexpected gift came when I saw other men my father’s age crying. What I realized is my father held all his tears, pain or compassion in and never cried in front of me. It brings great sadness knowing he couldn’t or wouldn’t cry or show his feelings. He chose the angry side. He died with all his tears inside his heart and soul.

I can’t speak for the other men, however I will share that the men’s retreat is about supporting each other’s in their dreams and supporting them no matter what they are facing and doing in their life. It’s about being there for each other, fellowship and being of service. Some men are in good place and there to support others and uplift.

Have you experienced a men’s retreat? If you are compelled, please comment below your experiences, with hopes that it could help a fellow brother.

Love and Blessings

Kirk Axelson aka Fantastic Friday

 

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Trusting the Unfoldment Process

For the latter part of the year it’s been about trusting. What do I mean?

After four rewrites of the book Fantastic!, there came a time where I had to trust editor Melanie Mulhall with Dragonheart to transform my writing into a great and inspiring story. At first there was resistance. I believed the book was in perfect order the way I had written it. After being told by Melanie it needed work, I was offended and hurt emotionally. She was correct, the book needed work.

The first thing I had to do was embrace, trust and allow the unfoldment process. It was difficult to talk about pornography, sex, drugs, abuse, molestation and everything else with a stranger, especially a female. There were times I got severely emotional talking about my story.

Each time I took a deep breath and trusted Melanie to put all the pieces together of the story so it flowed and kept the reader engaged. During the process she said many times “It took courage to write what you did”. I didn’t think much about it, until I heard from others.

I was rejected by some people because of my past engagement to pornography and my honesty about it. I faced many rejections during the process, and it sparked an emotional nerve of wanting to quit. I kept telling myself “It’s not who I’m today”. I wrote the truth, however at times I wanted to hide because I kept worrying “what will others think” especially since I have been praying for a female relationship.

It was during these emotional outbursts when a healing of transformational breakthrough, and the dark shadow that I had been hiding, no longer had power over me. Little by little, reliving the story over and over allowed me to be free. I remained focused and trusting everything is unfolding as it should.

I was able to meet with Mary Walewski of Buy The Book Marketing.  She coached me during this painful time, along with marketing ideas and inspiring me to share my story.

 

More Trusting

When the manuscript was completed it was time to search out endorsements for the book. More trusting would be required that the right people would come forward. At first there was resistance as I was scared, ashamed and afraid of more rejection to criticize my story. To help with the resistance I relied on prayer, practitioner prayers, and kept telling myself “it’s not who I’m today”.

I was on Facebook and took a chance one evening and sent a personal message to Kathleen McGowan, New York Times Best Selling author of The Expected One had been following her for a few years. I said, “Kathleen, I’ve been following your posts especially the ones of the loss of your husband. At times I can feel your pain, as I lost my wife 10 years ago in an auto accident and at times the pain was unbearable. I am inspired at your openness and courage to move forward. I was wondering would you be open to reading a manuscript I wrote about what I endured during the loss of my wife? If you find it interesting would you be open for an endorsement? Thanks for reading and your time.”

Within seconds she replied back “of course I would”. I was completely shocked, and inspired that she agreed so fast. She inspired me to search out twenty five others. A few replied with “no”, and it hurt, others said “yes”. Some followed through as being too busy. Those who did reply back made me feel I was blessed. I received ten endorsements, and trusted these where the ones that were meant to be.

 

Continuing to Trust

I attended a CIPA (Colorado Independent Publishers Association) meeting on Saturday April 19, 2014 where they had six panelists of experts in the field of publishing; marketing, editing, and book cover artists. They asked for any brave authors who were open for ideas. I felt a nudge to speak out but stopped out of fear.  At the last minute I shouted out, “Have room for one other?”.

My heart was racing and sweating when one of the panelists looked at my cover and said “It needs to be redesigned. Sorry, but the cover looks as if it’s a stock photo, the mix of text centered and left justification  needs correcting. Another panelist said “You have a killer subtitle however it’s hard to read as it blends in with the sun.” I was somewhat hurt, but knew she was correct. It was a stock photo and my design that I tried to convey to the book artist.

I contacted Nick Zelinger with nzgraphics and explained to him what had happened along with Melanie Mulhall. I told Nick, “You are the expert at book cover designs and I trust you will come up with a design that fits the expression of the book.” He created five new designs. I then reached out to the men’s council at Mile Hi Church and they voted for this cover.

The key here was to trust people, trust the unfoldment, and trust God. All the rejection was making me stronger, so that I can stand in the truth of who I am.

The new cover created a “pop” causing the reader to pick-up the book, turn it over and be inspired.

I’m very pleased with the new cover and it really does express the impact of the story and of course, it is FANTASTIC!

Does it make a FANTASTIC statement for you? Have you trusted the unfoldment process in your life? Please comment below. I appreciate your thoughts and would love your feedback. Thank you.

 

Yours truly

Mr. Fantastic!

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Book Giveaway

Author Kirk Axelson will be giving away 5 autographed copies of Fantastic! Every Day is Friday with his Goodreads contest. Enter below! Good luck.

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Strange Occurrences after Donna’s Death

One evening something different happened, something that I will never forget, nor will the kids.

Several weeks after Donna’s passing I was laying on the bed resting, still trying to grasp what had happened.  Brandon would be playing a video game in his room, while Nicole would be lying on his bed watching him.

I manage to get up and walk into Brandon’s room, telling him its bedtime, it’s a school night.  I look on the lower bunk bed and see Nicole sound asleep with a sippy cup of milk by her pillow.  I fill her sippy cup with milk and grab myself a class of water from the kitchen for the night. I place the sippy cup next to Nicole to keep her from waking me up during night.

Brandon climbs in the top bunk and I tuck him in, and say “Good night, love you”.  I walk into my bedroom placing the glass of water on the nightstand.  I undress, turn the light off and climb into bed. While lying there staring at the ceiling, somewhat asleep and somewhat awake, suddenly I feel the foot of the bed sink in, with the covers pressing against my legs, as if someone was climbing onto the bed.  I’m shocked, frightened and puzzled as to what is happening, and was it real?

At first, I think it’s Nicole climbing into bed, but when I look up the bedroom door is closed. I get out of bed, turn on the lights, there is nobody there.   I turn off the lights and climb back into bed.  It took me awhile to fall back asleep as I kept wondering who or what climbed onto the bed, was it Donna’s spirit, was it Samoan, I was kind of afraid, but also curious.

The next morning the alarm goes off and I step into the shower.  I get dressed, walk into Brandon’s room to wake both kids up. I walk back into my room and stopp in my tracks! On the foot of the bed, standing upright is the glass of water that was on my nightstand. I say to myself, “how in the hell did that water glass get on the foot of bed”. I would have never placed a full glass of water on top of the bed coverings messed up”. I turn around and walk back into Brandon’s room where both kids have fallen back to sleep. 

This is not the only time strange occurrences have happened in this house.  I do believe there was a presence in his house. To back up this theory when my mother’s dog “Andy” came to the home, Andy refused to go down into the basement.  When Andy refused so did Zena our dog. Even when my mother went downstairs and called Andy, Andy would bark and refuse to come down.

Nicole would tell Donna and me that she had an imaginary friend who she played often with her in the basement under the stairs called Samoan, Donna and I would play along. What is interesting Samoan was not imaginary friend, she was a ghost for sure. 

Samoan’s presence became stronger after the passing of Donna, to where Samoan wondered around the home. Nicole was sleeping in her room when Brandon entered Nicole’s room, lied next to her, and he heard “what are you doing in here” Brandon looked at Nicole and she was sound asleep with a sippy cup in her month.  At first he though Nicole said those words. It was Samoan.

A few times Donna or I would see a young girl, white hair, white nightgown standing at the bottom of the stairs though the reflection off the glass of the china cabinet.  We would shake it off as if we are seeing things, being high on Meth.

Weeks would go by with no occurrences, and then it happened again. All of us were down stairs in the basement with a realtor showing her the home as I wanted to sell.  Zena was locked outside. From above we hear foot-steps running across the hardwood floor down the hallway.  The realtor had shock look on her face, when I said “It’s our ghost Samoan”. Brandon and Nicole smiled and said yep.

To this day I wonder if it was Donna’s spirit trying to make the transition into passing over, was it Samoan too. I searched on internet, “Paranormal researchers believe that a ghost or an apparition is the spirit/energy of a person that has died usually from a traumatic or a highly unusual circumstance. Oftentimes, the spirits are not aware that they have died as they are stuck between the level of existence and passing over.”

To this day Nicole doesn’t like to talk about it, to Nicole it was real, and Samoan was a real presence.

Like more, read about Baja Rock Pat “Tapping an Unknown Realm Ghosts”  story.

Check out  the book “Ghost Under Foot – The Spirit of Mary Bell” A true story of one family’s haunting. The story is about haunted house in Fort Collins Colordao.

 

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Scared Love Book

I’m known more for being a writer , then reading books. However with that said there is start for everything.  It was a honor to read my very first poem book which was Scared Love by Kanta Bosniak. I was very touched by the deep heart felt of each poem and the illustrations were inspiring. Check it out sometime and let me know what your thoughts were.

Sacred Love: More Love Poems by Kanta Bosniak

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Each of the poems came from the heart as I read each one. I could feel the depth and clarity in each poem as I let it sink in. Along the book there are illustrations adding inspiration along the way. Poem for love, love poetry, spiritual poetry, wedding readings, romantic poems it has them all.

View all my reviews

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The Seven Steps of Writing FANTASTIC

The Seven “P”s of Writing FANTASTIC
Perseverance

Looking back some 32 years ago, I was 22 years old.  I had a dream of writing a book. Along the way I got frustrated very easily as I couldn’t read well, let alone write.  I didn’t have a clue how to go about writing my life. I just knew one day I would write a memoir about my journey. However I never knew I would be writing about the death of my wife, drug addiction, sex, pornography and raising 2 children alone and discovering the one word that changed it all “FANTASTIC”. Somehow the universe/God knew it would come about, first I had to be patience, follow a path, a journey, and experience.

Plant the Seed

It all began the second Christmas in our new home that I had moved the kids and me into. It was during this Christmas that my Brother Glenn’s family gave me two books that planted the seed for me to begin writing a memoir.

It had only been 2 years since my wife died. I sold our other home with hopes of letting go of memories of my wife, drugs and to make a fresh new start. The two books were Writing Your Life Story by Bernard Selling and The Power to Write by Caroline Joy Adams. The two books sat on the coffee table in the living room for nearly 4 years. Occasionally I would read a page here and there hoping to understand what it was saying.  Within a few minutes I would become distracted and set the book down.

Pushing Forward

I had a strong sense to write about what I knew in the drapery field. For years I had all this knowledge of the wholesale drapery world in my head that I needed to release. For years I would access this information in my work. It wasn’t until my wife’s death that made it possible for me to release all in my head to the paper. There was one catch, I would need help in the writing of this book, which Glenn offered to help. It was during the course of eight months that he would come over after work and read what I had written. There were times he would have to re-write what I had written to make better sense. At times I got frustrated and discouraged. I kept pushing forward believing that I could write. It was the writing of the books The Study Guide to The Ultimate Designers Workbook and Elements of Soft Treatments that help me succeed in writing my memoir.

Propelled

Publishing the drapery books I was propelled to outline the chapters of what I wanted to write for the memoir. I was in a lot of pain from the grief, failed love affair and sad from closing the company.  I began trying to write what I was feeling on paper. It was here I would get frustrated as my spelling, word vocabulary and writing skills were poor.  I stopped and focused my skills on illustration and interior book design. From time to time I find myself sitting in front of the computer looking at the outline wishing I could write what I was feeling. After few beers and wine I would quit because of the frustration that I felt.

Prepare

It was during the frustration that kept pushing me forward. I would prepare the notes of what I would write about. I didn’t really have a clue what I was doing other then I took what skills I did have and I began drafting a timeline of my life. First I printed out calendars from 1981 thru 2008 in Outlook, and then circled dates using chicken scratches of events that impacted my life. Then I transferred them to an Excel spread sheet where I listed the year in row, and columns for the month.  I printed the spread sheet out onto 42” x 42” paper and hung it on bedroom wall for nearly year. At times it was difficult to look at the events without feeling either sad, loneliness, joy or helpless and at times it was inspiring to feel and know I’m making progress. As I began writing the highlights I transferred the timeline to OneNote so that while I was writing I could refer back to the timeline from the computer versus the Excel spread sheet. Over time it was extremely helpful as I had forgot when it happened when the editor Melanie asked for details.

Proceed through the Pain

For the next two years I wrote near every story in the timeline from good times, sad times, addiction to drugs, marriage, love affair, raising the kids, abuse, sex, and porn addiction, to drinking. It was extremely hard to write about the sex and porn without having some kind of relapse. With perseverance, pushing forward, propelled, and prepared I proceeded and wrote near one million raw unedited words for the first draft.  By this time I wrote without worrying whether I was good at writing, flow, or spelling.

Possibilities Endless

I wrote because my heart told me too. If my wife Donna wouldn’t have died the books that help many would not have been born, nor would my kids and I discovered FANTASTIC and it’s energy.

Never give up, keep the faith, keep planting the seed, working the garden until you reach your dream.

More to come…..

Yours Truly

Mr. FANTASTIC

 

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Bankruptcy Not As Bad As It Seems

It was pretty freighting three years ago when I filed bankruptcy and living a life without credit cards. The good news I made it through it. At first it was nerve racking, physically and emotionally thinking I was going to loss everything I owned. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. The worst fear I though of was the loss of credit cards. As time passed it became easier and still kept telling myself FANTASTIC everyday, even through the raw emotions of filling out the three ring binder full of trustee request. When it was all over it was all good.

Keep push forward no matter what is happening in your life. Find that word that moves you beyond your current state of mind. Just think I received the discharge and finished my manuscript to the book all in the same week. That is Double Fantastic News If I say so.

I’m very pleased how attorney Benjamin Yablon handled my bankruptcy. He and his fellow team did an incredible job, even through there was tons of paper work involved. Over all his team were outstanding.  Check out Yablon Law get the true facts moving forward.

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