Deanndra Hall's Blog, page 8
June 28, 2014
What do I do when I'm not writing?
Every once in a while when I’m doing an interview, or maybe filling out a bio sheet, this question crops up:
“When you’re not writing, what do you do?”
And I just laugh and laugh.
So what do I do when I’m not writing? Let’s see . . . it’s been a while . . .
Well, I sleep. Okay, not much. Maybe four hours? Five? Whatever length of time the dogs will let me.
And sometimes I dream. I dream plot lines. I dream about my characters, about conversations they’ve had, about places they’ve gone and things they’ve done. Sometimes I even have to get out of bed and write something down so I won’t forget it by the time I wake up, because it’s really, really good. That cuts into my sleep.
Wait. If I’m doing all that, then I’m writing.
Okay, I’m cooking. I have to cook eventually, because I have to eat – eventually. I cook myself eggs. Most of the time I just fix fruit to eat. Sometimes I get something frozen out of the freezer. Sometimes it’s the meatloaf that one of my characters makes. Sometimes I cook something from one of their recipes. And sometimes, while I’m cooking whatever it is, I think about them, what they’d cook, who would be there with them, what they’d be talking about.
And that means I’m still writing.
Well, what about this? I go to the store. The big store. You know the one, the huge one that has everything. Correction: It has everything if they’d just stock the shelves (my pet peeve). And I always take a list. If I don’t take a list, there’s no point in me going to the store. It’s time wasted because I come home with less than a quarter of the stuff on the list. While I’m in the store, I’m watching all the time, watching for people who look like my characters. This one’s got her eyes, that one’s got his hair, this one over here has her lips. I see them everywhere. I also look at the products and try to guess which ones they’d buy. Sometimes I see something in the clothing department that I think one of them would look good in.
Nope. Writing then too.
Answering this question is harder than I thought. Maybe I go to dinner with a friend – yeah, that’s something! We talk and laugh. I order a bottle of wine, and I think about how one of my characters really likes wine. I look at the menu and try to imagine what they’d order. While we’re having our conversation, there’s another one going on in my head, and it’s begging to be written down. Sometimes I even have trouble concentrating on the conversation because I’m thinking of my characters and what they’re saying.
I guess that means I’m writing then too.
So let’s think about the other times of day. I’m in the shower . . . Nope. They’re there too. How about when I’m driving to the mall? They’re having an argument – out loud – and people at the intersection are staring at me. Well, and then there’s the time I spend actually in my chair at my desk, writing. That’s most of the rest of it.
I’m sitting here trying to think of a time during the day that I’m not writing, and I can’t come up with a single one. Sitting on the swing, out in the kayak, washing the car. Technically speaking, I’m writing at all of those times.
And now, to answer the question: What are you doing when you’re not writing? That’s obviously not as clear-cut as it seems it should be. The question is still about what I’m doing when I’m not writing.
The answer is pretty simple. When I’m not writing I’m . . . dead. Otherwise, I’m writing.
“When you’re not writing, what do you do?”
And I just laugh and laugh.
So what do I do when I’m not writing? Let’s see . . . it’s been a while . . .
Well, I sleep. Okay, not much. Maybe four hours? Five? Whatever length of time the dogs will let me.
And sometimes I dream. I dream plot lines. I dream about my characters, about conversations they’ve had, about places they’ve gone and things they’ve done. Sometimes I even have to get out of bed and write something down so I won’t forget it by the time I wake up, because it’s really, really good. That cuts into my sleep.
Wait. If I’m doing all that, then I’m writing.
Okay, I’m cooking. I have to cook eventually, because I have to eat – eventually. I cook myself eggs. Most of the time I just fix fruit to eat. Sometimes I get something frozen out of the freezer. Sometimes it’s the meatloaf that one of my characters makes. Sometimes I cook something from one of their recipes. And sometimes, while I’m cooking whatever it is, I think about them, what they’d cook, who would be there with them, what they’d be talking about.
And that means I’m still writing.
Well, what about this? I go to the store. The big store. You know the one, the huge one that has everything. Correction: It has everything if they’d just stock the shelves (my pet peeve). And I always take a list. If I don’t take a list, there’s no point in me going to the store. It’s time wasted because I come home with less than a quarter of the stuff on the list. While I’m in the store, I’m watching all the time, watching for people who look like my characters. This one’s got her eyes, that one’s got his hair, this one over here has her lips. I see them everywhere. I also look at the products and try to guess which ones they’d buy. Sometimes I see something in the clothing department that I think one of them would look good in.
Nope. Writing then too.
Answering this question is harder than I thought. Maybe I go to dinner with a friend – yeah, that’s something! We talk and laugh. I order a bottle of wine, and I think about how one of my characters really likes wine. I look at the menu and try to imagine what they’d order. While we’re having our conversation, there’s another one going on in my head, and it’s begging to be written down. Sometimes I even have trouble concentrating on the conversation because I’m thinking of my characters and what they’re saying.
I guess that means I’m writing then too.
So let’s think about the other times of day. I’m in the shower . . . Nope. They’re there too. How about when I’m driving to the mall? They’re having an argument – out loud – and people at the intersection are staring at me. Well, and then there’s the time I spend actually in my chair at my desk, writing. That’s most of the rest of it.
I’m sitting here trying to think of a time during the day that I’m not writing, and I can’t come up with a single one. Sitting on the swing, out in the kayak, washing the car. Technically speaking, I’m writing at all of those times.
And now, to answer the question: What are you doing when you’re not writing? That’s obviously not as clear-cut as it seems it should be. The question is still about what I’m doing when I’m not writing.
The answer is pretty simple. When I’m not writing I’m . . . dead. Otherwise, I’m writing.
June 25, 2014
My Reads: Breaking Kate by Dee Kelly
I’ve started something new, so this is the inaugural entry for this particular new thing. Every Wednesday I will be featuring a book that I’ve read and liked. Let me be really clear: This is NOT a review. It’s simply a way for me to tell you about authors whose work I’ve found meaningful, entertaining, or just plain fun.
So today, for the first time, I’m going to tell you about something I’ve read. For the first go ‘round, I’ve chosen Dee Kelly’s book, Breaking Kate.
This book kind of surprised me. I didn’t really know what to expect when I started it. I’d been told by a couple of people that they really liked Dee’s work, so I went into it with some expectations, but still with an open mind. I also usually read in the erotic romance and erotica genre- wonder why? - so I was afraid this would be too frou-frou for my taste.
I had absolutely nothing to fear.
First of all, Dee did exactly what everyone is told not to do but, like me, also thankfully ignored: She writes this book in first person point of view, something I love to do. That in itself is quite a feat. And to top it off, she writes it in present tense – another difficult task, and also one which I love to do. Any editor will tell you not to do this. I think that’s a ridiculous tack to take. I find it very effective ifdone by someone who knows how. And Dee Kelly obviously knows how. If you’ll recall, “that popular trilogy written by a British author” that took the world by storm a couple of years ago is written the exact same way, and it was a bestseller. Further proof that a literary device, when used appropriately by someone who can effectively do so, can be just right for a particular story.
I also liked that the point of view changed back and forth between Kate and Michael. The story was presented from both sides so I could see it knit together, and that was very effective. Most writers can’t pull that off, but Dee managed to do just that, and in fine form too.
I don’t do spoilers, so I’ll tell you what I can. I didn’t expect what happened in the beginning, and I felt every moment of searing, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking pain that Kate felt. I can only describe it this way: If you’ve read my book Laying a Foundation you should remember this. Nikki was talking to Tony about the family that she’d lost and, if you’ll recall, she said of her grief, “Sometimes it hurts to breathe.” That was exactlythe same sensation I had when I read the last paragraph of the prologue to Breaking Kate. All that suffering is the same. And it took my breath away.
As the book progressed, I caught what was happening, although it’s not blatant. I’m one of those people who’s always watching for the little signs, and I saw them, so I was pretty sure I knew what was happening, but I didn’t know how Dee would resolve it. What I didn’t see coming was the ending, if you could call it that. It sets the stage for the next book in the series, Catching Kate, out very soon. I’m looking forward to it, and I’m lucky enough to be participating in the release day festivities (thanks, Dee!). My biggest question is about what role Daniel will continue to play in the books. I’m very, very curious about that given the ending of this book.
All in all, I enjoyed Breaking Kate. It was every bit as good as everyone had told me it was. Get a copy now. You don’t have long before Catching Kate comes out on July 7, and you’ll want to have it under your belt before then.
So today, for the first time, I’m going to tell you about something I’ve read. For the first go ‘round, I’ve chosen Dee Kelly’s book, Breaking Kate.
This book kind of surprised me. I didn’t really know what to expect when I started it. I’d been told by a couple of people that they really liked Dee’s work, so I went into it with some expectations, but still with an open mind. I also usually read in the erotic romance and erotica genre- wonder why? - so I was afraid this would be too frou-frou for my taste.
I had absolutely nothing to fear.
First of all, Dee did exactly what everyone is told not to do but, like me, also thankfully ignored: She writes this book in first person point of view, something I love to do. That in itself is quite a feat. And to top it off, she writes it in present tense – another difficult task, and also one which I love to do. Any editor will tell you not to do this. I think that’s a ridiculous tack to take. I find it very effective ifdone by someone who knows how. And Dee Kelly obviously knows how. If you’ll recall, “that popular trilogy written by a British author” that took the world by storm a couple of years ago is written the exact same way, and it was a bestseller. Further proof that a literary device, when used appropriately by someone who can effectively do so, can be just right for a particular story.
I also liked that the point of view changed back and forth between Kate and Michael. The story was presented from both sides so I could see it knit together, and that was very effective. Most writers can’t pull that off, but Dee managed to do just that, and in fine form too.
I don’t do spoilers, so I’ll tell you what I can. I didn’t expect what happened in the beginning, and I felt every moment of searing, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking pain that Kate felt. I can only describe it this way: If you’ve read my book Laying a Foundation you should remember this. Nikki was talking to Tony about the family that she’d lost and, if you’ll recall, she said of her grief, “Sometimes it hurts to breathe.” That was exactlythe same sensation I had when I read the last paragraph of the prologue to Breaking Kate. All that suffering is the same. And it took my breath away.
As the book progressed, I caught what was happening, although it’s not blatant. I’m one of those people who’s always watching for the little signs, and I saw them, so I was pretty sure I knew what was happening, but I didn’t know how Dee would resolve it. What I didn’t see coming was the ending, if you could call it that. It sets the stage for the next book in the series, Catching Kate, out very soon. I’m looking forward to it, and I’m lucky enough to be participating in the release day festivities (thanks, Dee!). My biggest question is about what role Daniel will continue to play in the books. I’m very, very curious about that given the ending of this book.
All in all, I enjoyed Breaking Kate. It was every bit as good as everyone had told me it was. Get a copy now. You don’t have long before Catching Kate comes out on July 7, and you’ll want to have it under your belt before then.
June 21, 2014
Oh, those dirty words!
Well, here I sit, an erotic romance and erotica writer, contemplating writing a blog post about dirty words. So let me share an excerpt from a work in progress for you to cut your teeth on.
“So, what do you talk about while you’re fucking?”Her eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, we don’t talk while we’re having sex.”“Fucking.”“Fucking.” She sighs. “Nobody does.”I give her a knowing grin. “Oh yes they do. Guys love to talk while they’re fucking.”Her eyebrows knit together gently. “About what?”“They love to hear you use those words, clit, pussy, tits, fuck, ass, cock, dick, shaft, prick, cunt, suck, blow, horny, stroke, pound, hammer, cum. And there are more – can’t think of them right now. But they want you to talk about them. Talk about how they make your clit feel, how hard their cock is, how big it is, how badly you want their dick, how hard you want them to fuck you, how deep you want them to pound. You tell them how good their cum tastes. You tell them how hot and horny you are for them, how badly you need to be fucked, how you’ll give them anything if they’ll just use you for their pleasure.”“You’re kidding, right?” She chuckles. “Seriously? They think you’ll actually say that?”“I say that to them. I said it to your husband. And he loved it and pounded me that much harder.”
Well, class dismissed. She’s a hooker and she couldn’t think of any more dirty words, so neither can I.
But really, where did those things come from? Those vulgar words?
First, let’s look up the word “vulgar.” In reality, it means “common” or “ordinary.” So those vulgar words people are afraid of are really just common or ordinary. But by whose standards? I mean, if you leave the store and the cashier calls out behind you, “Have a fucking wonderful day!” you’d probably be all over the manager like stink on . . . you get the idea.
Usage of the word “fuck” was first noted in 1475. That was awhile back. I don’t remember it, so it must’ve been a long time ago. But the origins of what we now call vulgar words are considerably older than that.
You see, in 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England. Consequently, French became the language of the land, especially in the courts and government houses. English was relegated to lesser, everyday uses. Here’s where things get interesting.
Remember the definition of “vulgar?” Well, many of those words that were shoved aside were what we now know as vulgar or dirty words. What made them so? Unfortunately, just the use of them by the English. Prior to 1066, “cunt” was an acceptable term for female genitalia in most social circles and nothing was thought of it. That goes for all of the other words too. “Cock” was most definitely the word used to describe the male genitalia, while testicles were known as “cods.” We know “tit” is a distorted form of the word “teat,” which is what most mammals’ mammary glands are still tipped with, according to any farmer who knows anything about livestock. I’m sure “slit” and “gash” were as equally commonly used. Matter of fact, most people in those days didn’t have a clue as to the proper names of body parts. They just named them as they saw them, hence the term “pussy.” Those French women weren’t having Brazilians back then, ladies and gents.
As for “cum,” well, that turned up first in the 1970s as a variation of the word “come.” But the source of the word “come” as ejaculation came from brewing. Yep, beer, if you can believe that. Seems that during the roasting of grain in the malting process, it can sometimes pop in a way similar to popcorn. When it does that, it’s referred to as the “come.” And there you have it. Others believe it came from shortening the phrase, “I’m about to come to orgasm.” Kind of like how we used to “go steady with” and now kids just “go with.” I have yet to find out where they’re going and if you ask them, they don’t know either.
And as for “shit?” That’s been around in various derivations for as long as mankind has record; actually, for as long as mankind has shit, which is a long, long time. I don’t know when it became a bad word, but face it, I’d rather hear “shit” than “bowel movement” any time. I mean, really? Where did that come from? Dreadful. Much worse mental picture than “shit” could ever bring about.
But remember that famous line from Hamlet:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
That pretty well sums it up. A vulgar word, dirty word, call them what you will, is just the stringing together of a group of letters to make a sound that can then identify something. And this just begs this question: If a random term, oh, let’s say “brick,” had been used to describe female genitalia, would it now be a “dirty word?” I suspect it would be. Here’s one: “shaft.” Nobody flinches when someone talks about the shaft of a golf club, even though in my world it’s used to mean a cock, er, penis. Yeah, there ya go – that better?
With all of that said, I’m left to surmise that the thing that makes a word vulgar or dirty is indeed thinking that it is. You decide that a word is going to be dirty, and it becomes dirty. Just another pattern of strung-together letters to add to the rules about what people do and don’t think we should say. I say, fuck ‘em all and say what you like. Except in front of little kids. They have no filters. But in light of the truth, that shouldn’t matter either. A six year old who tells his teacher that he has to go take a shit will probably garner a call from said teacher to the parent, and all because someone decided that the word “shit” is a dirty word.
I certainly hope no one decides that about “dinner.” I know a bunch of uptight people who’d starve to death.
“So, what do you talk about while you’re fucking?”Her eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, we don’t talk while we’re having sex.”“Fucking.”“Fucking.” She sighs. “Nobody does.”I give her a knowing grin. “Oh yes they do. Guys love to talk while they’re fucking.”Her eyebrows knit together gently. “About what?”“They love to hear you use those words, clit, pussy, tits, fuck, ass, cock, dick, shaft, prick, cunt, suck, blow, horny, stroke, pound, hammer, cum. And there are more – can’t think of them right now. But they want you to talk about them. Talk about how they make your clit feel, how hard their cock is, how big it is, how badly you want their dick, how hard you want them to fuck you, how deep you want them to pound. You tell them how good their cum tastes. You tell them how hot and horny you are for them, how badly you need to be fucked, how you’ll give them anything if they’ll just use you for their pleasure.”“You’re kidding, right?” She chuckles. “Seriously? They think you’ll actually say that?”“I say that to them. I said it to your husband. And he loved it and pounded me that much harder.”
Well, class dismissed. She’s a hooker and she couldn’t think of any more dirty words, so neither can I.
But really, where did those things come from? Those vulgar words?
First, let’s look up the word “vulgar.” In reality, it means “common” or “ordinary.” So those vulgar words people are afraid of are really just common or ordinary. But by whose standards? I mean, if you leave the store and the cashier calls out behind you, “Have a fucking wonderful day!” you’d probably be all over the manager like stink on . . . you get the idea.
Usage of the word “fuck” was first noted in 1475. That was awhile back. I don’t remember it, so it must’ve been a long time ago. But the origins of what we now call vulgar words are considerably older than that.
You see, in 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England. Consequently, French became the language of the land, especially in the courts and government houses. English was relegated to lesser, everyday uses. Here’s where things get interesting.
Remember the definition of “vulgar?” Well, many of those words that were shoved aside were what we now know as vulgar or dirty words. What made them so? Unfortunately, just the use of them by the English. Prior to 1066, “cunt” was an acceptable term for female genitalia in most social circles and nothing was thought of it. That goes for all of the other words too. “Cock” was most definitely the word used to describe the male genitalia, while testicles were known as “cods.” We know “tit” is a distorted form of the word “teat,” which is what most mammals’ mammary glands are still tipped with, according to any farmer who knows anything about livestock. I’m sure “slit” and “gash” were as equally commonly used. Matter of fact, most people in those days didn’t have a clue as to the proper names of body parts. They just named them as they saw them, hence the term “pussy.” Those French women weren’t having Brazilians back then, ladies and gents.
As for “cum,” well, that turned up first in the 1970s as a variation of the word “come.” But the source of the word “come” as ejaculation came from brewing. Yep, beer, if you can believe that. Seems that during the roasting of grain in the malting process, it can sometimes pop in a way similar to popcorn. When it does that, it’s referred to as the “come.” And there you have it. Others believe it came from shortening the phrase, “I’m about to come to orgasm.” Kind of like how we used to “go steady with” and now kids just “go with.” I have yet to find out where they’re going and if you ask them, they don’t know either.
And as for “shit?” That’s been around in various derivations for as long as mankind has record; actually, for as long as mankind has shit, which is a long, long time. I don’t know when it became a bad word, but face it, I’d rather hear “shit” than “bowel movement” any time. I mean, really? Where did that come from? Dreadful. Much worse mental picture than “shit” could ever bring about.
But remember that famous line from Hamlet:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
That pretty well sums it up. A vulgar word, dirty word, call them what you will, is just the stringing together of a group of letters to make a sound that can then identify something. And this just begs this question: If a random term, oh, let’s say “brick,” had been used to describe female genitalia, would it now be a “dirty word?” I suspect it would be. Here’s one: “shaft.” Nobody flinches when someone talks about the shaft of a golf club, even though in my world it’s used to mean a cock, er, penis. Yeah, there ya go – that better?
With all of that said, I’m left to surmise that the thing that makes a word vulgar or dirty is indeed thinking that it is. You decide that a word is going to be dirty, and it becomes dirty. Just another pattern of strung-together letters to add to the rules about what people do and don’t think we should say. I say, fuck ‘em all and say what you like. Except in front of little kids. They have no filters. But in light of the truth, that shouldn’t matter either. A six year old who tells his teacher that he has to go take a shit will probably garner a call from said teacher to the parent, and all because someone decided that the word “shit” is a dirty word.
I certainly hope no one decides that about “dinner.” I know a bunch of uptight people who’d starve to death.
June 14, 2014
Traditional vs. Indie: Do you REALLY get it?
I laughed when I saw this the other day. Anyone who knows me knows that I firmly believe in good punctuation, grammar, and spelling. I’m also a stickler for details. I spend a lot of time in the Chicago Manual of Style but, admittedly, there are lots of things in there that I've never seen. So when I ran across this in the back of the book, I laughed until I cried, and I knew this was a subject that I had to pick apart. Take a really good look at this and you can see why so many people are self-publishing.
That’s right, folks, the steps to traditional publishing. Ah, I remember those days. Sitting around waiting for rejection letters, or having a manuscript accepted and sitting around waiting to see when they'd publish it or if you’d make any money because the publisher was pretty much taking it all. Those were the good ol’ days, huh?
So here’s the new and improved version of publishing. It’s really simple: The writer does everything. No kidding. If they don’t do it they hire it done. So let’s go over the basics.
I write the book. When I’m finished writing it, I do a few things. First, it’s proofed. That’s the search for spelling errors, incorrect punctuation, grammar problems (“was” and “were,” sheesh), etc. This is also the time for revisions. Don’t like that paragraph? Take it out. Got the wrong character’s name in that scene? Change it back. Found out that he gave her a ring on Christmas morning, then took her to Thanksgiving dinner the next day? That timeline’s a screwed-up mess. Fix it – fix it all. And good luck with that, too.
In the meantime, the concept of the book also goes to the cover designer. That’s always fun. Most cover designers are pretty intuitive, so if you can just give them an idea what the book is about, they’ll run with it. I think mine does an excellent job, but then I’m kind of biased.
Once the cover is back and all the proofing, editing, and revisions have been done, both come back to the author. Now, if the author is smart, they send the files out to a formatter. If not, they format them themselves. I did that once. Notice I said once. Never again. The cost is minimal as opposed to the hours and hours I spent tinkering with the files and never getting them quite right. Plus, let me tell you, readers and other authors can tell which books have been professionally formatted and which ones were self-formatted, and it's a glaring disparity. So nope. Off to the formatter the files go. But it's your call. If you have a masochistic streak and enjoy spending countless hours beating your head against a wall, go for it.
In the instance that you do show enough intelligence to publish a book by actually paying for formatting, the files come back to the author as a completed book. Yay! Next step? Choose your retailers, make sure you have files formatted for their devices, set up everything, and hit “Publish.”
Now take a deep breath and pour yourself a glass of champagne. You’re a published author! You’re finished!
Eh, not quite. If you were traditionally published and used the model from the first flow chart, yeah, you would be. All you could do then is hope that the publisher keeps all their promises and that someday you’re popular enough with readers to make demands regarding placement and royalties and maybe even make other publishing houses sit up and take notice. Not so much at this point, but you are done.
Not if you’re an indie.
If you’re an indie, your work is just beginning. You see, every day thousands and thousands of books are uploaded to sites like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Kobo. Some of them are great. Some of them, not so good. Okay, a lot of them not so good. A great many of them are poor and a surprising number are really, really bad. I mean really bad. Frighteningly bad. And guess what?You’re out there competing with them.
What’s happened is that good authors are getting harder and harder to find. I don’t mean that they’re not out there; I mean they’re hard to literally find. Their books are jammed into the pile with so many fair, poor, and really, really bad books that it becomes hard to figure out what’s good and what’s not. Readers don’t like to buy a book just to have to return it because it’s so bad they can’t make it through. Of course, some of them return the books anyway, but that’s a completely different blog post. Asshats.
What that means is that, as authors, we have to find a way to rise above the pile; to stand out from the crowd; to make sure people know who we are.
Behold, the indie after-publishing flow chart.
Looks a little chaotic, huh? That’s because it is. And this just scratches the surface - there's so much more. You see, no one’s found a formula yet. Sure, some claim to have, but really, not so much. Any successful author will tell you that what works for them doesn’t necessarily work for others. And I even sat and listened to two pretty successful authors say that a lot of it was just plain luck. Not very encouraging, since I’m not one of the luckiest people I know. That would be Kathy. But enough of that. It’s just that you have to try a lot of things to see what works.
Worse yet, it’s not always clear early on what’s working. You have to give it time, which means often you give time to something that, in the end, just doesn't work.
But the worst part is this: You can’t stop. There is no end. If you want to sell books, you have to keep going. An author I know said that she took one day off Facebook and her sales plummeted. I can’t say when the last time was that I had a day off. I’m typing this in the car as the hubby drives. By the time this is posted tomorrow morning (Saturday), I’ll be 4.5 hours from home visiting relatives, and I’ll be up and doing promo. There’ll be more on Sunday morning. When I’m not doing that kind of thing, I’m checking on swag prices and designing the stuff, trying to find conferences to attend, working with my promo people, staying in touch with my street team (Hey, ladies - I love you!), and just generally busting my ass to sell a few books. I've been working 18 to 20 hour days for almost two years. And there’s not an end in sight.
Now you know the truth. We don’t just put our books out there, sit back, and watch them magically become bestsellers. That actually happens to some people, but not very many. In the meantime, most of us are out there face-planting on our desks from exhaustion, looking for a pencil to stick in our eye to dull the pain, and seriously considering turning to a life of prostitution because it would pay better and at least you’d have your days free.
I won’t do that. I love my books. I love the characters. I love it when someone else loves them as much as I do. I love when I forget that they’re not real people, or I’m depressed when one of them is hurt or sick (I’m tearing up right now), or two of them get into an argument – out loud – while I’m driving in the car. If no one ever bought another one of my books, I’d keep writing.
But after a while, I’d sure as hell take a day off.
That’s right, folks, the steps to traditional publishing. Ah, I remember those days. Sitting around waiting for rejection letters, or having a manuscript accepted and sitting around waiting to see when they'd publish it or if you’d make any money because the publisher was pretty much taking it all. Those were the good ol’ days, huh?
So here’s the new and improved version of publishing. It’s really simple: The writer does everything. No kidding. If they don’t do it they hire it done. So let’s go over the basics.
I write the book. When I’m finished writing it, I do a few things. First, it’s proofed. That’s the search for spelling errors, incorrect punctuation, grammar problems (“was” and “were,” sheesh), etc. This is also the time for revisions. Don’t like that paragraph? Take it out. Got the wrong character’s name in that scene? Change it back. Found out that he gave her a ring on Christmas morning, then took her to Thanksgiving dinner the next day? That timeline’s a screwed-up mess. Fix it – fix it all. And good luck with that, too.
In the meantime, the concept of the book also goes to the cover designer. That’s always fun. Most cover designers are pretty intuitive, so if you can just give them an idea what the book is about, they’ll run with it. I think mine does an excellent job, but then I’m kind of biased.
Once the cover is back and all the proofing, editing, and revisions have been done, both come back to the author. Now, if the author is smart, they send the files out to a formatter. If not, they format them themselves. I did that once. Notice I said once. Never again. The cost is minimal as opposed to the hours and hours I spent tinkering with the files and never getting them quite right. Plus, let me tell you, readers and other authors can tell which books have been professionally formatted and which ones were self-formatted, and it's a glaring disparity. So nope. Off to the formatter the files go. But it's your call. If you have a masochistic streak and enjoy spending countless hours beating your head against a wall, go for it.
In the instance that you do show enough intelligence to publish a book by actually paying for formatting, the files come back to the author as a completed book. Yay! Next step? Choose your retailers, make sure you have files formatted for their devices, set up everything, and hit “Publish.”
Now take a deep breath and pour yourself a glass of champagne. You’re a published author! You’re finished!
Eh, not quite. If you were traditionally published and used the model from the first flow chart, yeah, you would be. All you could do then is hope that the publisher keeps all their promises and that someday you’re popular enough with readers to make demands regarding placement and royalties and maybe even make other publishing houses sit up and take notice. Not so much at this point, but you are done.
Not if you’re an indie.
If you’re an indie, your work is just beginning. You see, every day thousands and thousands of books are uploaded to sites like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Kobo. Some of them are great. Some of them, not so good. Okay, a lot of them not so good. A great many of them are poor and a surprising number are really, really bad. I mean really bad. Frighteningly bad. And guess what?You’re out there competing with them.
What’s happened is that good authors are getting harder and harder to find. I don’t mean that they’re not out there; I mean they’re hard to literally find. Their books are jammed into the pile with so many fair, poor, and really, really bad books that it becomes hard to figure out what’s good and what’s not. Readers don’t like to buy a book just to have to return it because it’s so bad they can’t make it through. Of course, some of them return the books anyway, but that’s a completely different blog post. Asshats.
What that means is that, as authors, we have to find a way to rise above the pile; to stand out from the crowd; to make sure people know who we are.
Behold, the indie after-publishing flow chart.
Looks a little chaotic, huh? That’s because it is. And this just scratches the surface - there's so much more. You see, no one’s found a formula yet. Sure, some claim to have, but really, not so much. Any successful author will tell you that what works for them doesn’t necessarily work for others. And I even sat and listened to two pretty successful authors say that a lot of it was just plain luck. Not very encouraging, since I’m not one of the luckiest people I know. That would be Kathy. But enough of that. It’s just that you have to try a lot of things to see what works.
Worse yet, it’s not always clear early on what’s working. You have to give it time, which means often you give time to something that, in the end, just doesn't work.
But the worst part is this: You can’t stop. There is no end. If you want to sell books, you have to keep going. An author I know said that she took one day off Facebook and her sales plummeted. I can’t say when the last time was that I had a day off. I’m typing this in the car as the hubby drives. By the time this is posted tomorrow morning (Saturday), I’ll be 4.5 hours from home visiting relatives, and I’ll be up and doing promo. There’ll be more on Sunday morning. When I’m not doing that kind of thing, I’m checking on swag prices and designing the stuff, trying to find conferences to attend, working with my promo people, staying in touch with my street team (Hey, ladies - I love you!), and just generally busting my ass to sell a few books. I've been working 18 to 20 hour days for almost two years. And there’s not an end in sight.
Now you know the truth. We don’t just put our books out there, sit back, and watch them magically become bestsellers. That actually happens to some people, but not very many. In the meantime, most of us are out there face-planting on our desks from exhaustion, looking for a pencil to stick in our eye to dull the pain, and seriously considering turning to a life of prostitution because it would pay better and at least you’d have your days free.
I won’t do that. I love my books. I love the characters. I love it when someone else loves them as much as I do. I love when I forget that they’re not real people, or I’m depressed when one of them is hurt or sick (I’m tearing up right now), or two of them get into an argument – out loud – while I’m driving in the car. If no one ever bought another one of my books, I’d keep writing.
But after a while, I’d sure as hell take a day off.
June 7, 2014
The disservice we've done BDSM
It was inevitable. When Fifty Shades of Grey hit the bookstores, I was pretty sure what was about to happen, and I turned out to be correct. I remember thinking, We’re about to have a whole bunch of people trying to walk right into the fetish community cold. Boy oh boy, is that gonna be a mess.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Fetish community? BDSM isn’t a fetish!” then do us all a favor. Close this page, throw away your fur-lined wrist and ankle cuffs, and keep buying your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret. Spare some poor souls some grief.
As for my prediction, I couldn’t have been more right. Since the phenomenon known as FSOG, adult stores have had a boom in customers. Go to any of them and you’ll find more stuff than you could ever imagine. Eight different types of nipple clamps; five different riding crops; paddles that leave a word imprinted on flesh when they’ve made contact (how cute); cuffs of every size and kind; and, quite frankly, things that even I can’t identify without an instruction manual. Everybody’s creating a knock-off version of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I noticed in the last three trips that I made there (for research, of course *wink*) that the set of urethral sounders they’ve had all along are still there. Those weren’t in what I like to call “that popular trilogy written by a British author,” or they’d be gone too. Most visitors to the store don’t even know what they are.
And it’s gotten harder and harder to get membership into a BDSM club. Thank god/dess.
Women everywhere read the books and swooned over Christian Grey. They’ve been trying for several years now to talk their otherwise-clueless partners into doing the things they read about in the books. Most of these guys are just bewildered that a woman they’ve known for so long suddenly wants to be paddled. The great majority of them don’t even want to try that. Scares the hell out of them, frankly.
But I think readers are doing the fetish community, and the practice of BDSM, a grave disservice. It’s become “fashionable” to wear a collar.
Really?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Over twenty years ago, I read, for the first time, The Story of O, and I've read it several more times since then.If you’re trying like hell to get your partner to jump into the BDSM fray and you can’t understand why they won’t, you might want to get a copy of that book. Matter of fact, if you think you’re even remotelyinterested in BDSM, you should probably get that book. Read it; read all of it. See if you can understand it.
Because the simple truth is this: What you saw in FSOG? That’s not BDSM. Oh, yeah, she’s an authority! She knows better than that writer. Actually, that’s not it at all. I just think the writer and her intentions have been misunderstood. Let me dissect this for you so you can understand a little better.
The BDSM that readers found entertaining in FSOG was not what you see in the fetish community. Yes, there are sadists and masochists in the fetish community. Without them, there would probably be no community. But the truth of the matter is, there are very few true sadists and very few true masochists. A huge segment of the individuals in the fetish community are practicing portions of the BDSM lifestyle strictly for the purpose of arousal. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as you know the difference. They are women for whom the pinch of a clamp brings on a tingle of excitement, and men who want to push their partners to their limits.
But the community also includes those true sadists and masochists I mentioned. I’m a borderline masochist. What does that mean? Do you know what a cutter is? I’m not one, wasn’t one, but I did develop a habit early on of doing things to myself to cause pain. Most people don’t understand masochists, but for a great many of us, the pain we cause ourselves helps to redirect our thoughts and emotions away from emotional and mental pain that is unbearable. It’s a distraction. For me, it was to try to forget that, according to their actions, I was never good enough for my parents to really care a damn thing about me. For the masochist, handing themselves over to a true Dominant or Master is a safe way to take care of that need.
For the true sadist, something inside them needs to inflict pain on another for the same reason a masochist does their thing – to help redirect their own pain. The masochist enlists the sadist because they not only need relief, but they need to be relieved of the responsibility for gaining relief, and maybe perhaps they lack the stomach or nerve to cause enough pain to do the job. And the sadist is practicing simple transference. As they cause pain, theirs is relieved temporarily. They know that, with the use of a simple safeword or hand signal on the part of their submissive, it’s a safe and sane way to fulfill their needs.
For several years now, I’ve been following a particular blog. I’m not going to say whose it is, but this particular sadist is well-respected in the BDSM community. He has taken in several submissives who had been abused and mistreated by wanna-be Doms and helped them heal so that they could look for a worthy partner. I have been encouraged as I’ve read his posts, in which he often rails against supposed Doms who have no clue and only choose the lifestyle to make themselves feel powerful and important or to inflict pain indiscriminately. He’s not a Dominant; he’s a Master and has a full-time slave.
And his collared slave is also his wife. I was excited when I read that. I wanted to know more about their relationship, and he has been blessedly transparent; matter of fact, they both have. She has her own blog and shares regularly about their lives together. She approached him at a time in his life when he wasn’t looking for a permanent relationship, was happy to use unattached, willing slaves for his needs, and decided that’s all he wanted. She shook up his world with her needs and wants, and he found himself more and more interested in trying to meet her needs. Notice I said HER needs; his were already being met within the community.
What I found most interesting in their relationship is that he has a time every day when they talk. (If more vanilla couples actually did that, think what their relationships could be like.) Together they talk about what’s working, what’s not, what her duties are, how she’s doing meeting her goals, and if they need to change anything. She’s required to keep a journal, and they talk about her journal entries. Right now, they’re talking about his taking of a second slave (he’s outright stated that it won’t happen unless she understands the ramifications and is okay with it; she’s considering it). She wants his micromanaging, and he’s glad to give it to her. And he makes it clear that it’s his responsibility, he doesn’t take it lightly, and it’s a heavy burden, but he loves her and he’s committed to carrying out their relationship in the way in which they negotiated it. Matter of fact, they renegotiate when they need to. In all, he bears sole responsibility for EVERYTHING; she has none except to do as she’s told. Gotta tell ya, it tempts me.
Think his approach means he’s not a hardass? Yeah, well, think again. He’s described the times he’s come in, tired and upset, and taken her anally with no lube, knowing full well it was painful. I’ve also read him detailing how she didn’t do what she was told to accomplish and he’s had her lie on the bed with her head tipped over the edge and performed deep fellatio, watching her neck swell as he thrust into her. And they both will tell you that he has amazing sexual control and this can go on for extended periods of time.
You ask yourself, Why would she subject herself to that? Because it meets a need in her life. She needs to be used by someone she trusts. She treats his use of her as a service to him, and because she loves him, she understands that it’s used to help her learn to do as she’s told. She knows the difference; she was abused by at least one "Dom" previously. And if it’s just to relieve stress for him? That’s her service to him too. She takes it in stride. “Safe word?” He has a thing about ladies cursing, and he says that when she mutters “fuck,” he knows she’s had enough. And yes, even though he’ll whip her until she’s striped, he’ll tell you she’s a lady, and he treats her as such.
But here’s something most dabblers don’t understand: BDSM isn’t necessarily about sex. And it’s true. Take the Domme I saw on TV who has numerous clients coming to her during the day. She has them undress to a certain degree or maybe altogether, makes them wear collars, whips them, instructs them to lick her boots. And she never has sex with them, not once. So why make them undress? Because nakedness breeds vulnerability. And that’s what she’s looking for to help them receive what they need from her. They leave there having bowed and prostrated themselves to her, maybe even having been sexually humiliated, and they’re relieved and happy about it.
To all of you who still don’t understand, let me assure you, this is not a game. It’s not something you do for recreation. Not everyone practices discipline. Some only practice extreme sexual arousal techniques, with the desired effect being to push their partner to the outer limits of their sexual tolerance. And many Doms/Dommes like that. They want to know their partner so intimately that they know when they’re pushing too far and can back away just enough to give them the ultimate sexual release they crave. Often times they practice bondage and restraint. That can be very, very arousing. It feeds the rape fantasies many women have (matter of fact, research shows that’s the number one fantasy among women), relieving them of the guilt of enjoying sex by having it done to them, rather than doing it with someone. For others, being restrained is similar to a baby being wrapped in swaddling cloth; the restriction is oddly comforting. A good example of that is kinbaku and/or shibari; they’re considered an art form without sex ever taking place. And sometimes those undergoing them do have spontaneous orgasms. It’s about the feel of the rope and the constriction, or the suspension and feel of “flying,” not actual sexual manipulation. Me? I'm claustrophobic, so that's a no-no.
You should also know that, for the record, those gorgeous, muscled-up Doms and curvy, buxom submissives with long, wavy hair you read about in books? Nah. For the most part, you won’t see them in clubs. Most Doms and subs are average, some barely so. They choose each other on skills, abilities, and willingness, not looks. Some are even sort of repulsive, and for many in the community, being able to submit to or dominate someone whose looks don’t appeal to them, and yet still respect them, is another form of self-discipline. And I’d say that’s something to which we should aspire.
But the most important aspect of FSOG that most readers didn’t get was simply this: Christian Grey dropped the whole thing at the end of the third book, remember? And why? Because he wasn’t a true Dominant – his tendencies were the result of being abused as a child, first in foster care and then by a pedophile. His “dominance” was nothing more than hurt and anger being wreaked on another, and it gave him no relief. That lack of relief? That’sthe tipoff that his “dominance” was misdirected. He didn’t go into the community and find submissives; he found a girl he was attracted to and tried to turn her into a submissive. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t. A true Dominant wouldn’t do that. He’d give her a taste and if she didn’t fall into it, he’d walk away for her good. Otherwise, he’s just an abuser. Get it?
So how have we done BDSM a disservice?
First, we’ve treated it like a game. It’s not a game. It’s serious business for the people who are committed to the relationship, but it’s been turned into a form of entertainment.
Second, it’s also been turned into big business. I should know; I write about the stuff, although I attempt to be bare-bones honest about it. People have been lured into it by pretty trinkets and interesting gadgets, not to mention promises of over-the-top sexual gratification. Tools of discipline and punishment are in every household if you’re creative. It shouldn’t cost you thousands of dollars to get your needs met. (But good-quality lube is a must.)
Third, we’ve been led to believe that if our chosen partner isn’t our complement, we can turn them that way. Sure, if someone has never been exposed, we may be able to show them something that they’ll come to desire and enjoy. If if they need to be coerced, that’s a no-no. If you do manage to make your partner be something they're not, the self-loathing and guilt they'll feel about what they're doing will eventually wreck your relationship. Unless they're a complete jerk. But that's another blog post.
Fourth and last, if you’re a supposed “Dominant” who gets squeamish when your “submissive” undresses and you see the razor marks on her arms and legs, especially to the point that you refuse to administer any pain to her, you’ve missed the point. And if you’re a “submissive” who refuses, without consideration, something your “Dominant” decides they want to do to you simply because you just don’t “like” it, you’ve missed the point as well. Even more importantly, if your partner wants you to become one or the other and you really don’t feel it suits you, either ask them to get some psychotherapy or let them go to a true Dominant or submissive to find some relief. And remember, you’ll have to accept the consequences of their possible sexual interaction. Find a happy medium somehow or let go. In the end, you’ll both be grateful.
So go ahead. Be as kinky as you want. But, for the love of leather, do not call yourself a Dominant just because you like to tie up your girlfriend, or a submissive just because you like to be spanked occasionally. And regardless what they say they want or need, never let anyone do anything to you that will have long-term harmful effects. A Dominant you’ve just met insists on penetrating you without a condom? No. Not cool. Autoerotic asphyxiation play? I refuse to discuss that. Even with the most experienced Dom at the helm, all it takes is one misreading of a submissive and damage can occur that can’t be undone. In this instance, I wouldn’t even trust a skilled Dominant who was also a physician. Just too risky. But that's just me. As the community says, "safe, sane, and consensual." If you approach it that way, you'll be fine.
And if you want to criticize others who engage in golden showers, age play, or sterile blade or needle play, not to mention some of the other lesser-known fetishes? Maybe you should just go back to reading about BDSM and spare someone else a lot of grief.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Fetish community? BDSM isn’t a fetish!” then do us all a favor. Close this page, throw away your fur-lined wrist and ankle cuffs, and keep buying your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret. Spare some poor souls some grief.
As for my prediction, I couldn’t have been more right. Since the phenomenon known as FSOG, adult stores have had a boom in customers. Go to any of them and you’ll find more stuff than you could ever imagine. Eight different types of nipple clamps; five different riding crops; paddles that leave a word imprinted on flesh when they’ve made contact (how cute); cuffs of every size and kind; and, quite frankly, things that even I can’t identify without an instruction manual. Everybody’s creating a knock-off version of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I noticed in the last three trips that I made there (for research, of course *wink*) that the set of urethral sounders they’ve had all along are still there. Those weren’t in what I like to call “that popular trilogy written by a British author,” or they’d be gone too. Most visitors to the store don’t even know what they are.
And it’s gotten harder and harder to get membership into a BDSM club. Thank god/dess.
Women everywhere read the books and swooned over Christian Grey. They’ve been trying for several years now to talk their otherwise-clueless partners into doing the things they read about in the books. Most of these guys are just bewildered that a woman they’ve known for so long suddenly wants to be paddled. The great majority of them don’t even want to try that. Scares the hell out of them, frankly.
But I think readers are doing the fetish community, and the practice of BDSM, a grave disservice. It’s become “fashionable” to wear a collar.
Really?
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Over twenty years ago, I read, for the first time, The Story of O, and I've read it several more times since then.If you’re trying like hell to get your partner to jump into the BDSM fray and you can’t understand why they won’t, you might want to get a copy of that book. Matter of fact, if you think you’re even remotelyinterested in BDSM, you should probably get that book. Read it; read all of it. See if you can understand it.
Because the simple truth is this: What you saw in FSOG? That’s not BDSM. Oh, yeah, she’s an authority! She knows better than that writer. Actually, that’s not it at all. I just think the writer and her intentions have been misunderstood. Let me dissect this for you so you can understand a little better.
The BDSM that readers found entertaining in FSOG was not what you see in the fetish community. Yes, there are sadists and masochists in the fetish community. Without them, there would probably be no community. But the truth of the matter is, there are very few true sadists and very few true masochists. A huge segment of the individuals in the fetish community are practicing portions of the BDSM lifestyle strictly for the purpose of arousal. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as you know the difference. They are women for whom the pinch of a clamp brings on a tingle of excitement, and men who want to push their partners to their limits.
But the community also includes those true sadists and masochists I mentioned. I’m a borderline masochist. What does that mean? Do you know what a cutter is? I’m not one, wasn’t one, but I did develop a habit early on of doing things to myself to cause pain. Most people don’t understand masochists, but for a great many of us, the pain we cause ourselves helps to redirect our thoughts and emotions away from emotional and mental pain that is unbearable. It’s a distraction. For me, it was to try to forget that, according to their actions, I was never good enough for my parents to really care a damn thing about me. For the masochist, handing themselves over to a true Dominant or Master is a safe way to take care of that need.
For the true sadist, something inside them needs to inflict pain on another for the same reason a masochist does their thing – to help redirect their own pain. The masochist enlists the sadist because they not only need relief, but they need to be relieved of the responsibility for gaining relief, and maybe perhaps they lack the stomach or nerve to cause enough pain to do the job. And the sadist is practicing simple transference. As they cause pain, theirs is relieved temporarily. They know that, with the use of a simple safeword or hand signal on the part of their submissive, it’s a safe and sane way to fulfill their needs.
For several years now, I’ve been following a particular blog. I’m not going to say whose it is, but this particular sadist is well-respected in the BDSM community. He has taken in several submissives who had been abused and mistreated by wanna-be Doms and helped them heal so that they could look for a worthy partner. I have been encouraged as I’ve read his posts, in which he often rails against supposed Doms who have no clue and only choose the lifestyle to make themselves feel powerful and important or to inflict pain indiscriminately. He’s not a Dominant; he’s a Master and has a full-time slave.
And his collared slave is also his wife. I was excited when I read that. I wanted to know more about their relationship, and he has been blessedly transparent; matter of fact, they both have. She has her own blog and shares regularly about their lives together. She approached him at a time in his life when he wasn’t looking for a permanent relationship, was happy to use unattached, willing slaves for his needs, and decided that’s all he wanted. She shook up his world with her needs and wants, and he found himself more and more interested in trying to meet her needs. Notice I said HER needs; his were already being met within the community.
What I found most interesting in their relationship is that he has a time every day when they talk. (If more vanilla couples actually did that, think what their relationships could be like.) Together they talk about what’s working, what’s not, what her duties are, how she’s doing meeting her goals, and if they need to change anything. She’s required to keep a journal, and they talk about her journal entries. Right now, they’re talking about his taking of a second slave (he’s outright stated that it won’t happen unless she understands the ramifications and is okay with it; she’s considering it). She wants his micromanaging, and he’s glad to give it to her. And he makes it clear that it’s his responsibility, he doesn’t take it lightly, and it’s a heavy burden, but he loves her and he’s committed to carrying out their relationship in the way in which they negotiated it. Matter of fact, they renegotiate when they need to. In all, he bears sole responsibility for EVERYTHING; she has none except to do as she’s told. Gotta tell ya, it tempts me.
Think his approach means he’s not a hardass? Yeah, well, think again. He’s described the times he’s come in, tired and upset, and taken her anally with no lube, knowing full well it was painful. I’ve also read him detailing how she didn’t do what she was told to accomplish and he’s had her lie on the bed with her head tipped over the edge and performed deep fellatio, watching her neck swell as he thrust into her. And they both will tell you that he has amazing sexual control and this can go on for extended periods of time.
You ask yourself, Why would she subject herself to that? Because it meets a need in her life. She needs to be used by someone she trusts. She treats his use of her as a service to him, and because she loves him, she understands that it’s used to help her learn to do as she’s told. She knows the difference; she was abused by at least one "Dom" previously. And if it’s just to relieve stress for him? That’s her service to him too. She takes it in stride. “Safe word?” He has a thing about ladies cursing, and he says that when she mutters “fuck,” he knows she’s had enough. And yes, even though he’ll whip her until she’s striped, he’ll tell you she’s a lady, and he treats her as such.
But here’s something most dabblers don’t understand: BDSM isn’t necessarily about sex. And it’s true. Take the Domme I saw on TV who has numerous clients coming to her during the day. She has them undress to a certain degree or maybe altogether, makes them wear collars, whips them, instructs them to lick her boots. And she never has sex with them, not once. So why make them undress? Because nakedness breeds vulnerability. And that’s what she’s looking for to help them receive what they need from her. They leave there having bowed and prostrated themselves to her, maybe even having been sexually humiliated, and they’re relieved and happy about it.
To all of you who still don’t understand, let me assure you, this is not a game. It’s not something you do for recreation. Not everyone practices discipline. Some only practice extreme sexual arousal techniques, with the desired effect being to push their partner to the outer limits of their sexual tolerance. And many Doms/Dommes like that. They want to know their partner so intimately that they know when they’re pushing too far and can back away just enough to give them the ultimate sexual release they crave. Often times they practice bondage and restraint. That can be very, very arousing. It feeds the rape fantasies many women have (matter of fact, research shows that’s the number one fantasy among women), relieving them of the guilt of enjoying sex by having it done to them, rather than doing it with someone. For others, being restrained is similar to a baby being wrapped in swaddling cloth; the restriction is oddly comforting. A good example of that is kinbaku and/or shibari; they’re considered an art form without sex ever taking place. And sometimes those undergoing them do have spontaneous orgasms. It’s about the feel of the rope and the constriction, or the suspension and feel of “flying,” not actual sexual manipulation. Me? I'm claustrophobic, so that's a no-no.
You should also know that, for the record, those gorgeous, muscled-up Doms and curvy, buxom submissives with long, wavy hair you read about in books? Nah. For the most part, you won’t see them in clubs. Most Doms and subs are average, some barely so. They choose each other on skills, abilities, and willingness, not looks. Some are even sort of repulsive, and for many in the community, being able to submit to or dominate someone whose looks don’t appeal to them, and yet still respect them, is another form of self-discipline. And I’d say that’s something to which we should aspire.
But the most important aspect of FSOG that most readers didn’t get was simply this: Christian Grey dropped the whole thing at the end of the third book, remember? And why? Because he wasn’t a true Dominant – his tendencies were the result of being abused as a child, first in foster care and then by a pedophile. His “dominance” was nothing more than hurt and anger being wreaked on another, and it gave him no relief. That lack of relief? That’sthe tipoff that his “dominance” was misdirected. He didn’t go into the community and find submissives; he found a girl he was attracted to and tried to turn her into a submissive. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t. A true Dominant wouldn’t do that. He’d give her a taste and if she didn’t fall into it, he’d walk away for her good. Otherwise, he’s just an abuser. Get it?
So how have we done BDSM a disservice?
First, we’ve treated it like a game. It’s not a game. It’s serious business for the people who are committed to the relationship, but it’s been turned into a form of entertainment.
Second, it’s also been turned into big business. I should know; I write about the stuff, although I attempt to be bare-bones honest about it. People have been lured into it by pretty trinkets and interesting gadgets, not to mention promises of over-the-top sexual gratification. Tools of discipline and punishment are in every household if you’re creative. It shouldn’t cost you thousands of dollars to get your needs met. (But good-quality lube is a must.)
Third, we’ve been led to believe that if our chosen partner isn’t our complement, we can turn them that way. Sure, if someone has never been exposed, we may be able to show them something that they’ll come to desire and enjoy. If if they need to be coerced, that’s a no-no. If you do manage to make your partner be something they're not, the self-loathing and guilt they'll feel about what they're doing will eventually wreck your relationship. Unless they're a complete jerk. But that's another blog post.
Fourth and last, if you’re a supposed “Dominant” who gets squeamish when your “submissive” undresses and you see the razor marks on her arms and legs, especially to the point that you refuse to administer any pain to her, you’ve missed the point. And if you’re a “submissive” who refuses, without consideration, something your “Dominant” decides they want to do to you simply because you just don’t “like” it, you’ve missed the point as well. Even more importantly, if your partner wants you to become one or the other and you really don’t feel it suits you, either ask them to get some psychotherapy or let them go to a true Dominant or submissive to find some relief. And remember, you’ll have to accept the consequences of their possible sexual interaction. Find a happy medium somehow or let go. In the end, you’ll both be grateful.
So go ahead. Be as kinky as you want. But, for the love of leather, do not call yourself a Dominant just because you like to tie up your girlfriend, or a submissive just because you like to be spanked occasionally. And regardless what they say they want or need, never let anyone do anything to you that will have long-term harmful effects. A Dominant you’ve just met insists on penetrating you without a condom? No. Not cool. Autoerotic asphyxiation play? I refuse to discuss that. Even with the most experienced Dom at the helm, all it takes is one misreading of a submissive and damage can occur that can’t be undone. In this instance, I wouldn’t even trust a skilled Dominant who was also a physician. Just too risky. But that's just me. As the community says, "safe, sane, and consensual." If you approach it that way, you'll be fine.
And if you want to criticize others who engage in golden showers, age play, or sterile blade or needle play, not to mention some of the other lesser-known fetishes? Maybe you should just go back to reading about BDSM and spare someone else a lot of grief.
May 26, 2014
It's the big day!
I know some of you have been biting your nails over this, so here we go.
The winner of the entire Love Under Construction series to date is
Ann Fantom!
Congratulations! I'll be emailing you later to let you know what information I need to get those to you, Ann. I hope you enjoy the books!
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. The winner of the Kindle Paperwhite is
Kristi Car!
Congratulations, Kristi! I'll be contacting you to get all of the information necessary to get that Kindle shipped to you ASAP. Load that thing up with books (hopefully mine) and enjoy it.
Thanks to everyone who worked so hard on this blog tour, especially Drue over at Drue's Random Chatter. Thanks too to all the bloggers and reviewers who participated, and most of all, to my readers. I love all of you and I can't wait to get the next Love Under Construction book into your hands.
Have a great holiday!
The winner of the entire Love Under Construction series to date is
Ann Fantom!
Congratulations! I'll be emailing you later to let you know what information I need to get those to you, Ann. I hope you enjoy the books!
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. The winner of the Kindle Paperwhite is
Kristi Car!
Congratulations, Kristi! I'll be contacting you to get all of the information necessary to get that Kindle shipped to you ASAP. Load that thing up with books (hopefully mine) and enjoy it.
Thanks to everyone who worked so hard on this blog tour, especially Drue over at Drue's Random Chatter. Thanks too to all the bloggers and reviewers who participated, and most of all, to my readers. I love all of you and I can't wait to get the next Love Under Construction book into your hands.
Have a great holiday!
May 24, 2014
The tour's over - the fun isn't
So that's that. The tour's over. We have a daily winner to announce. Friday's copy of the ebook goes to
CJ S.!
The moment we've all been waiting for is coming. One lucky winner will get the entire Love Under Construction series to date in ebook format. And someone is going to win that
Kindle Paperwhite!
The winners will be announced Monday morning, so be sure to check in. In the meantime, if you haven't signed up for my newsletter, there's a button on here that you can use to do so. And you might want to. I'll be having giveaways and other fun stuff from time to time and you won't know about it unless you get the newsletter. But know this: I don't have time to do a newsletter every week. If you're worried about tons of stuff from me clogging your inbox, well, I don't have time to do all of that, so no worries.
I've enjoyed this tour. Thanks to everyone who participated and to the readers who went along for all the fun. And I've got news:
I wrote another 15,000 words on the new book between Thursday night and now. It's coming along quite well and should be done in the next few weeks or so to go to betas and pre-readers. Then the fun begins - editing. Ugh. I hate it, but it's necessary. So hang in there to find out what happens to the crew, especially someone we've grown to love whose life is in the balance.
Happy reading!
May 23, 2014
Last chance!
Well, it's almost over. Today is your last chance to check out the participating blogs and enter the drawing. So go on over to the blogs and look around. Don't forget to show them some love.
Tsukime Reads and ReviewsBooks and FriendzBooks are LoveBeanieBrain ReadersThis Redhead LOVES BooksA Book Addict's DelightAll Things RomanceTattered Book BlogJackie's Book Reviews
We have another winner today. She receives a copy of the new book, Renovating a Heart. Today's winner is
Erin D.!
And don't forget, come on and enter the drawing before midnight tonight, because that's when it ends. What are we drawing for? Someone is going to win the entire series, oh yes they are. And some other lucky winner is going to win a
Kindle Paperwhite!
Hope you'll enter before it's too late. We'll be announcing the winners of the two big prizes on Monday, so come back and check.
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May 22, 2014
We're coming down to the wire
The tour is almost over. Today's blogs are:
Book Bangers BlogReadingReneeReviewsSassy Ray Book ReviewsAnny BooksPinky's Favorite ReadsBrazen BibliophileCrazy Cajun Book AddictsNaughty Moms' Story Time
Our winner for yesterday is
Diane C.G.!
Diane gets a signed digital copy of Renovating a Heart. There'll be a few more opportunities to win, so be sure to register. I know you'd like to get a chance to win that
Kindle Paperwhite!
We had a great time last night at the Facebook takeover with Drue's Random Chatter. It was so much fun! I gave away great prizes too.
Register to win. And check back in tomorrow, the last day of the tour. Until then, happy reading!
May 21, 2014
Tonight!
There's something happening tonight. Hold on just a second and I'll tell you what it is. Right now, there's housekeeping to be done.
First off, here are the blogs participating in the tour today. Go over and check them out, show them some love in the form of comments, and have fun.
Escape by FictioniHeartBooksbyMiLo18Beautifully Broken Book BlogHines and Bigham's Literary TrystLove to ReadCajun Book LoverMeleth Bookaddicted
Today's winner of the giveaway, which is a signed digital copy of Renovating a Heart, is
Buffy H.K.!
She'll be getting an email soon. She entered and won a book, but she's still entered into the big drawing. What is being given away? Well, it's a
Kindle Paperwhite!
That's a pretty good prize, huh? I thought so. The contest runs through Friday night. On Saturday, we'll announce the prize winners. There's not just the Paperwhite; someone is going to win the entire Love Under Construction series!
As for tonight, I'll be doing a takeover with Drue's Random Chatter at 8:00 EDT. We'll be playing some games, giving away prizes, and just generally having fun! Come over and join us and see what we're up to.
This week has been fun and we're not finished yet. Stay with us - it just keeps getting better!
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