Gillian Marchenko's Blog, page 5
September 29, 2014
Introducing my monthly newsletter and a FREE eBook download: Pulling to Stand; Glimpses of parenting two children with Down syndrome on very different paths
Introducing my monthly newsletter and a FREE eBook download: Pulling to Stand; Glimpses of parenting two children with Down syndrome on very different paths
October!
It is almost October, one of my favorite months!
I love October. I love crunchy leaves, crisp air, and pumpkin patches. I also love it because it is Down syndrome awareness month!
This year in honor of DSAM and to help raise awareness about and appreciation of individuals with Down syndrome, I am kicking off a new monthly author email. If you subscribe, the email will come directly to your inbox.
In my monthly newsletter, you can expect:
-Book and speaking information before anyone else gets it
-Thoughts and encouragement about all things family, faith, and life
-Embarrassing stories about myself and my family my husband probably wishes I won’t share
-Some free downloads and giveaways periodically… for your eyes only!
-And someone suggested recipes… But I think I’ll spare you on that one (Sergei is the main cook around here.)
And Introducing Pulling to Stand; Glimpses of parenting two children with Down syndrome on very different paths, a FREE eBook
Also, to sweeten the pot, I am giving away a free PDF download of my brand spanking new eBook Pulling to Stand; Glimpses of parenting two children with Down syndrome on very different paths as a special gift when you sign up here on the website for my newsletter. The eBook is a compilation of my favorite blog posts from the last seven years, showing the trajectory of Polly and Evie’s lives.
Interested? Check out the widget on the right side of my website. All you have to do is enter your email and hit subscribe. Then you’ll receive a confirmation email to make sure you really meant to do it and the download will be yours!
You might want to get to gettin… The eBook may not be free after October and my first newsletter comes out at the end of this week.
Thanks for you friendship and support. I appreciate you all.
You might also like:
Daily Bread: parenting kids with special needs
Join the Sun Shine Down Book Launch Team
Sun Shine Down is now available on Amazon!
Tomorrow’s a ‘no’ day, a needed reminder in parenting kids with special needs
I’m afraid of going on vacation with my kids who have special needs …ZemantaThe post Introducing my monthly newsletter and a FREE eBook download: Pulling to Stand; Glimpses of parenting two children with Down syndrome on very different paths appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
September 15, 2014
Happy Fall, All! {And a Book Anniversary Giveaway!}
A few weeks ago, the year anniversary of my book, Sun Shine Down, hit the calendar. With hubbub of preparing the kids for back-to-school, the celebration was a bit delayed, but alas here we are! The air is turning crisp here and so to celebrate the year anniversary, I’ve put together a little Welcome to Fall giveaway and added an excerpt as well.
“Lifting my hand, I placed it on my breastbone and slid it towards my navel. My mid-section felt numb. Pushing down, it was as if I tapped another person’s toneless stomach. White gauze held my empty abdomen tight. I had been eight months pregnant.” ***
What if? What if you dreamed of having a beautiful child and in your mind you saw the life you’d share with that child. First steps, little league (or ballet). Maybe the child would play piano or make you proud on the Honor Roll. There’d be eventual graduations, college, even marriage and grandchildren. You might dream it out that far. Or not. Every parent has hopes. No parents wish for pain—their own, or a child’s.
Then you had a premature delivery in a foreign country. And the words swirling around you said a different kind of “what if.” What if something was wrong? The dream was at risk—or so it seemed. Would you be ready for that? Could you make peace? Or would it take you down?
These are the questions author Gillian Marchenko faced as she woke up after an emergency C-section in Ukraine. Only her newborn child could answer them, in time. But first she had to find a way to hear more than the words “Down syndrome.”
Now Available through T.S. Poetry Press on:
Giveaway
The giveaway will run from today through September 22nd, 2014 CST. One winner will receive this Welcome to Fall Gift Package, including a copy of Sun Shine Down, Medium Zippy Pouch, $20 Starbucks gift card and a Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin Candle!
Hope you win!
You might also like:
Join the Sun Shine Down Book Launch Team
Sun Shine Down is now available on Amazon!
Goodreads Sun Shine Down giveaway!
On at least trying … and bouncing pretty good
Sun Shine Down Happenings: some places you’ll find me this week…ZemantaThe post Happy Fall, All! {And a Book Anniversary Giveaway!} appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
August 21, 2014
A few places I’m showing up…
I wanted to make sure 
you know about a few places I’m showing up these days both online and in print.
About Down syndrome
I have an article up at Today’s Christian Woman called Fighting the Darkness about my daughter Polly’s diagnosis of Down syndrome:
Sometimes I look back on that time with shame. Having a child is a good thing. We know from the Psalms that “children are a gift from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). And my theology is rooted in the providence of God. Down syndrome did not surprise him—but it surprised me and seemed to blow the candle out of my life. I assumed children with special needs would be born to other parents, not us. I stalled out in the dark, and all I wanted was to get out of the darkness as quickly as possible.
Read the rest of the article here.
About special needs: Back to school tips and a frank talk about therapy
I have two feature articles in the most recently published Chicago Special Parent. One is entitled 10 ways to help your child with special needs make a positive start to the school year:
For families affected by special needs, the new school year has added challenges and concerns. How will my child interact with her new teacher? What can I do to ease him into a new routine? Will she be able to keep up with the curriculum? Is his placement the best? Where did I put her most recent IEP? Chicago public schools start Tuesday, Sept. 2. Many suburban schools start in August. Here are 10 ways to help your child with special needs start the new school year on a positive note…
The other Chicago Special Parent article is Chicago mom advises parents of children with special needs to trust their instinct in regards to therapy:
When it comes to therapy, one size does not fit all. Less therapy? More? Take a season off? The answer to all of this is yes.
Read the rest of the feature here…
About parenting school-aged girls
And my post at Faith Happenings: your complete, tailored, faith resource called Believing I am fearfully and wonderfully made for the sake of my girls:
I am a mom. My body has been beat up through the years. My stomach is wobbly from growing babies. Stretch marks snake up my belly and curl around my thighs. I am at my heaviest weight to date, but regardless of all that, I know that I am loved, and that my body simply holds me, and that I have value.
Read the rest at FaithHappenings…
And lastly, my memoir Sun Shine Down is celebrating its one year anniversary out in the world. Stay tuned for a party (once I get my kids back to school!) including a blog tour, some fun giveaways, and a chance to interact with my daughter Polly and I. Thanks so much, everyone, for your support!
You might also like:
5 things to do/not do after you receive a special needs diagnosis at Chicago Parent
In which I ramble about the end of summer & my kids heading back to school
Memoir holiday gift… Order yours today
How I am raising awareness during Down syndrome awareness month
The importance of sunny soccer Saturdays in a special needs lifeZemantaThe post A few places I’m showing up… appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
August 12, 2014
Depression can no longer be the elephant in the room
Robin Williams died yesterday from his own hand.
Yesterday morning, I sobbed in the shower and fought thoughts in my head that people wouldn’t think I would have, or even allow myself to have as a Christian, a Pastor’s wife, a writer, a speaker, a mother, a wife, a daughter.
But I do have thoughts. And sometimes they are very bad.
Last night I sat at a table in a Mexican restaurant with my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and my nephew in Michigan. We were all laughing and cutting up as we often do when we are together. I was trying to keep up. But I think I laughed a little too loud at a few things. My hands shook a little. I hoped no one could tell.
“Hey, I just read a tweet that Robin Williams died,” Ben said.
“Is it true? Is it a hoax?” we all wanted to know.
“This is from CNN. It says it was a suicide.”
The mood of the table changed instantly, all of us thinking about Robin Williams; Mork and Mindy, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Night at the Museum, Dead Poets Society, so many movies, too many to name.
Our conversation, of course, turned towards the sadness of it all. What a loss. What a talent. How terrible. I can’t believe it.
We talked a little bit about suicide too. All very respectful. All of us just spitting out things we were thinking at a time of great shock. Can’t imagine doing it to your kids. So hard that a person is in that much pain that they go to that place, it is importance to stay close to a person who is struggling, and other things.
I listened. I agreed. I chimed in a couple of thoughts. I shifted my weight.
When I got back home later that night, I went on-line to find out more. I read that he had been struggling with severe depression.
Depression. Great.
I stood in the shower at my parent’s house sobbing on Monday morning. No one else was home and I had just finished getting angry with my mom and my daughters about an hour before… I no longer remember why, or what I said, or what they said, I just know that I needed to apologize when I saw them later that day.
Something had been off with me on Sunday, too. I was anxious. Sweat poured down my face. I would laugh at something that was moderately funny until tears streamed down my face. My hands worked a fidget toy around and around, a gadget I had bought for my kids at some point, but now keep in my purse for myself. I cowered and even screamed out a few times in the car as my husband drove his usual way, sure that we were going to flip the car or hit someone.
Yesterday morning in the shower, my mind raced with negative thoughts. If they see who I really am they won’t love me. I am a terrible person. I am losing my mind.
I fought the thoughts with rebukes. No, I’m not. Thank you for sharing. Not listening. Jesus give me your peace that surpasses my understanding. I need it now. I got out of the shower, dried, got dressed and made sure I took my anti-depressant for the day. I slathered the Young Living essential oil Joy over my heart, and Peace and Calming on my neck and shoulders. I bowed my head and prayed. I texted my husband to let him know I was struggling. I took deep breaths; in for five counts, hold for five counts, let out for five counts.
I worked ‘my program.’ The stuff I do to fight the ugly monster of depression that unfortunately exists in my head. At that moment I had a choice: to give in to a depressive episode, or to fight it tooth and nail.
I chose to fight, and I won that day. That’s the deal. You fight depression day by day.
But here’s the thing: I don’t always have a choice to fight. And I want to try to help people understand that others don’t always have a choice either.
Sometimes my depression is just too strong. It is a tsunami wave and I am a toddler. I get knocked down before I even realize what is happening.
Because depression is an illness.
People think and even say things: that person should just snap out of it. That person who committed suicide should have thought about how it would affect his family. That person should have gotten some help.
I understand. I even agree to an extent. Suicide affects everyone who knew and loved the lost life. And depression is tricky. It is an active illness in the sense that one needs to participate in the action of getting better if she is able. And there is help to be had. I read somewhere recently that depression is 95% treatable, as in 95% of those who seek help for depression can find it.
This encourages me. It is true so far for my life.
I’m not cured of depression. But it no longer governs every day of my life.
But when a person who is depressed gets to the point of making a plan to take her own life, she is just as sick as a person in hospice with raging cancer. It is a hidden illness. Imagine seeing depression on a person, imagine hundreds of tumors and ulcers on a body, oozing, and if untreated, causing the person to get sicker and sicker.
When a person who is depressed gets to the point of making a plan to take her own life, she needs help (well, she needs help way before then, but more than ever); a doctor, a family member, an in-patient care facility, a friend, a therapist.
If you are depressed, please, let me say this: reach out to someone. This is not your fault. And you can’t handle this on your own, whether you are a pastor or the Dalai Lama or a regular everyday Joe. ( The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is at 1-800-273-8255.) (Here are warning signs for depression.)
If you love someone who battles depression, if they talk to you about their struggles, don’t blow them off. This is your job. That person may be too sick to bring up their mental illness. If you saw a car accident and a person was trapped inside, would you drive by? How about if the person trapped inside was your mom or your sister or your friend? Watch for clues about suicide: isolation, quirky behavior, verbal signs (I want to die, I don’t want to do this anymore), physical changes… (Here are other warning signs of suicide.)
The stigma that depression is just something weak or lazy people can’t get a handle on… of mental illness in general… needs to be abolished.
Depression can no longer be the elephant in the room.
As long as it is; in living rooms, in churches, or out to dinner with friends, it will continue to be a silent killer.
I’m praying for Robin William’s family and friends and all who were touched by his life.
What an incredible loss.
You might also like:
A glimpse at a mother’s depression
Why I tell my kids about my depression
10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression
My Big News… A Book Deal about Depression
On depression, hiding, and the need for raised handsZemantaThe post Depression can no longer be the elephant in the room appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
July 29, 2014
How I can best advocate for my kids with special needs
(A version of this post first appeared on my talented friend Addie Zierman’s blog. I’ve changed it up a bit to post here because it still rings true for me… it often does.)
How I can best advocate for my kids with special needs
(This was writing back when the most recent Chicago winter wouldn’t end.)
It’s nine o’clock in the morning. I spoon leftover chili into my mouth and look out a smudged window full of fingerprints. My four daughters are at school after days at home because of icy temperatures that managed to fluster even the most tenured Chicagoans. The house is still, quiet. My dog Scout licks her lips as she naps in a chair next to me.
I’ve been wanting to write about advocacy, about the special needs mom, and how to be inclusive to her and her child in your community. But today, I don’t want to write about that.
I have two kids with special needs. Polly has Down syndrome and a stroke and seizure disorder. Evangeline (adopted from Ukraine) has Down syndrome and autism. I write and speak and educate about disabilities and own the proverbial advocacy pompoms. I often don a cheerleader outfit when it comes to my girls.
But not this morning.
Today I’m not throwing my pompons in the air to get your attention. I’m not thinking about inclusivity. I’m thinking about survival. I’m not thinking about changing a community. I’m wondering how in the hell I can stop my seven-year-old from breaking up the floor boards in her bedroom and eating them.
I’m not a cheerleader. I’m just a deflated mom sitting in her pajamas, eating last night’s dinner for breakfast.
Today I can’t really advocate for my girls on a large scale.
But I can do this…
I’m going to love my children.
As I spoon lukewarm chili into my mouth, a thought occurs. Perhaps the best way to advocate for my girls is by loving them well and enjoying the crap out of them. And any mother will tell you, loving our kids isn’t always easy. It takes work. Maybe I should ration what little energy I have in the trenches of early motherhood not for big groups of people but for those in my charge. Mother Theresa said “Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.”
The person nearest to me…
“I like you best,” Polly says to me first thing when she wakes up in the morning, her nose all bunched up as she giggles. Her arms encircle my neck.
Advocacy on a larger scale will happen. I’ll get over my bad mood, apply chestnut colored lipstick to my lips, and stand in front of a group abolishing myths and assumptions about disability with Hallmarkisque remarks and funny stories about my kids. I really do want the world to change. I want everyone to see value, purpose, and dignity in people who are differently-abled.
But I realize that as a frazzled mom of four girls, the most important work I should attempt to sustain is to love my children, thus showing the world not only that kids with special needs can be valued, respected, and loved, but that they are.
You might also like:
A thought about my daughter who has Down syndrome
“You’re doing it wrong” – Special needs adoption and mom guilt
Who’s in your pit crew? Parenting a child with special needs
‘This belongs to’ … realizing who our special needs kids really belong to in a hospital cafeteria
Why a wave matters, thoughts on parenting a nonverbal childZemantaThe post How I can best advocate for my kids with special needs appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
July 22, 2014
A Down syndrome diagnosis shouldn’t be about luck
(Friends, please help me welcome Heather Bradley today on the blog… Thank you, Heather, for your tireless efforts to help every family have ‘good luck’ when they get a Down syndrome diagnosis.)
A Down syndrome diagnosis shouldn’t be about luck
Sometimes life can stop you in your tracks.
“Your daughter is showing signs that she could have Down syndrome.”
When our daughter, Isabel, was born in August 2012, those were the words my husband and I heard.
At first, I felt blindsided. Down syndrome seemed to push me into a pit and I had no idea how to get out.
However, I did get out. You see, Isabel has Down syndrome and today I’m perfectly happy about that.
But in looking back, now I see that I was fortunate.
I was fortunate that our OB, nurses and pediatrician never once said they had “bad news” or talked about Down syndrome in a negative way.
I was fortunate to have received a large packet of up-to-date information so I could take a crash course on what Down syndrome is and isn’t.
I was fortunate to have a husband who told our waiting family members our suspicions that Isabel had Down syndrome so I could avoid talking about it until I was ready.
I was fortunate that our 5 and 3-year-old daughters got to celebrate the birth of their new little sister with no understanding of fear and worry.
I was fortunate that we only heard “Congratulations” and “She’s perfect”.
I was fortunate that we had good health insurance and the additional medical bills weren’t a burden on our family.
I was fortunate that a Down syndrome parent support group was relatively close to where we lived.
I was fortunate that I found another “family” of new mothers in a Facebook support group.
A diagnosis story
Everyone has a diagnosis story. Mine is a fortunate one. For this, I will forever be grateful. However, I see areas where I could have used additional support, information and connection.
I remember feeling overwhelmed looking at the wealth of information on the national organizations websites because I wasn’t ready to see adults with Down syndrome or think about inclusive education.
I remember those first few nights in the hospital when I could have benefited from the connection of knowing another family impacted by Down syndrome.
I remember those first few weeks when I could have used professional guidance as I watched our newborn daughter struggle to gain weight while breastfeeding.
What about those who are not as fortunate on this new ride? It shouldn’t boil down to the luck of the draw.
These needs prompted eight mothers to start the Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network. Our goal is simple; to ensure every parent has a good start on this journey. Check us out.
Join us on Facebook, Twitter, or on our website.
Heather Bradley is President of Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network, a Non Profit Organization that launched this past March. She and her husband, Mike, live in Stillwater, Minnesota. They have three daughters and a yellow lab.
You might also like:
5 things to do/not do after you receive a special needs diagnosis at Chicago Parent
Ten things not to say to a parent of a child with Down syndrome
Down syndrome through a dad’s eyes
If you’ve received a prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis & are considering abortion…
Q&A with Secrets to a Happy Life author Bill Giovannetti, a special announcement, and a book giveaway!ZemantaThe post A Down syndrome diagnosis shouldn’t be about luck appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
July 15, 2014
Listen to me on ‘So Here’s the Thing’ podcast with Kathi Lipp
Listen to me on ‘So Here’s the Thing’ podcast with Kathi Lipp
Friends, today I am on a podcast called ‘So Here’s the Thing’ with Kathi Lipp about my book, what we do when life throws us curve balls, and what friends and family can say when someone they love has a child with a disability. I’d love for you to check it out and share it with others.
Here’s what Kathi had to say about our exchange:
“Just when you think you have this life thing figured out, here comes a major curve ball that rocks your world. How would you react? How would your faith be tested? Gillian Marchenko gets real on the podcast this week on how she dealt with the birth of her third child and the diagnosis of down syndrome. http://www.kathilipp.com/podcast/107-when-life-throws-you-a-curve-ball”
I’m also giving away a copy of the Sun Shine Down there.
Leave a message on the podcast site for a chance to win.
And Click here to stream the podcast…
Thanks!
Oh, and I’m very sorry about my nasally voice.
You might also like:
An Interview with author Alexandra Kuykendall and The Artist’s Daughter book giveaway!
Sun Shine Down Happenings: some places you’ll find me this week…
Love You More, and MOMumental book giveaway, plus an interview with author Jennifer Grant
Sun Shine Down is now available on Amazon!
Memoir holiday gift… Order yours todayZemantaThe post Listen to me on ‘So Here’s the Thing’ podcast with Kathi Lipp appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
July 7, 2014
She lives hard and well, and falls asleep fast
She lives hard and well, and falls asleep fast
We’re lying in bed together just before she goes to sleep. She has her arm slung over my body. We look at each other. Face to face. Just the two of us. I start singing a song and Polly joins in even though she doesn’t know the words. I sing, and she sings, and her relaxed attempt at joining in without knowing what she is doing and without realizing she should care sends a tickle down my throat. I break out into laughter and she joins in with that, too. We laugh until we can’t breathe. Tears stream down my face. Her smile is as wide as a waxing moon. I stare at her beautiful almond eyes and think, who would want to give this up?
They say that moments make up our lives.
If that’s true, then I best remember the good and the bad.
The bad: me looking away at her diagnosis of Down syndrome, her standing and falling over way past when she should be walking, head shaking stroke in the middle of eating pancakes at Bob Evans, brain surgeries, her hand wobbly as she attempts to write her name, kids doting on her at school and then walking away to talk to their ‘real’ friends, a little girl following us at the park asking “What’s wrong with her?”, and Polly, smiley, happy Polly struggling herself as she grows and attempts to figure things out. “Kids don’t like me, Mom. I’m different.”
But there is more to the story. Because for all the bad moments, there are a million good.
The good: jumping out of bed every morning, “What’s going on today, Mom?” ready to accept the answer with joy and vigor, her sisters teaching their classmates about Down syndrome, Polly thanking the nurse after a shot, her hard earned walk turning into a run, her body stopping and taking a deep breath when frustrated, the girls from her class coming to her cooking birthday party, her dash up to the front of the church to join her dad, hand raised and all, in the benediction, bothering her big sisters just like sisters would, getting up and singing to an auditorium of people, looking out for Evie when she is sad, her usual greeting of a smile and a hug regardless if she knows you or not, her little voice praying The Lord’s Prayer with the rest of the family, ‘Give us this day or daily bread,’ her little hand warm on my cheek, “You are my best friend, Mom.”
Moments make up our lives, right?
Then I have to remember that the bad is just life. The bad moments have a purpose. The bad make the good that much better.
Polly’s good moments resoundingly beat out her bad. Oh, of course she is human; mean and selfish and sneaky. “Polly, are your toys cleaned up?” “Yes,” she lies, happily running on to her next activity.
But also, there’s this: she is a bell that rings daily. She was made to exude sunshine. She does her job well.
Seconds after we are crying from hilarity, she is fast asleep. She’s been known to fall asleep mid-sentence.
She lives hard and well, and falls asleep fast.
What more could a mother want? I must remember moments like this.
Moments make up our lives.
You might also like:
World Down Syndrome Day 2013, RAISE YOUR FLAG
10 things TO SAY when a baby is born with Down syndrome
My top Down syndrome posts
The importance of sunny soccer Saturdays in a special needs life
I’m Polly & I don’t want to talk about Down syndrome, I want to talk about my loose toothZemantaThe post She lives hard and well, and falls asleep fast appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
July 1, 2014
Why I tell my kids about my depression
Why I tell my kids about my depression
I guess the short answer is: they already know about it anyway.
I have four girls. I have depression. One of my most serious episodes occurred at the end of 2011 into 2012. At some point during that time, I basically gave up on life. It’s hard to admit as a mom, and also as a Christian, but I stopped functioning. I found myself in and out of bed, sometimes up to a week at a time, for months. Unless there was something I absolutely had to do, I was locked away in my room, sleeping or watching television.
Before 2012, my major depressive episodes occurred mostly around the birth of my kids. So the girls were younger. They didn’t notice as much, And I liked it that way.
But two years ago, my children were 11, 10, 6, and 5. The older girls, obviously, knew something was up with mom. All of a sudden I wasn’t making their lunches, picking them up from school, participating in family prayers, washing their clothes, or kissing them goodnight at bedtime. Their mother was no longer home, although I spent the majority of my life those months in our house.
Since then, as I am able, my goal has been health. I call it ‘working the system.’ There are several things I do to help me stay in the safe zone and away from the waves of depression that still threaten (and sometimes succeed) to knock me down on a daily basis. I pray. I read scripture. I see a cognitive behavioral therapist, I take anti-depressants, I am trying to open up more to friends and family, and recently I started to use essential oils to combat moods.
I’m not healed. But I am healing.
But depression lingers as a family illness.
It not only affects me. It also affects my husband and my kids. One of my daughters is often angry that she has a mom who fights depression. Another doesn’t talk about it much, but spends a lot more time alone in her room. The little girls show their emotions, too. One wants to always be in my face, like if we aren’t touching, I’ll disappear. The other tends to ignore me after a bout of depression. I have to work to get back into her good graces.
So here is some ground work our family has set into place regarding my depression:
1. Our children are told when I am struggling.
Trust me, they can tell when I am having a bad day. But still, we say it out loud (and if I can’t verbalize it, my husband does it for me). I am a firm believer in words. If the spirit in our home is downtrodden and we don’t talk about it, then it becomes a bigger deal and scarier to our children. If we talk about it, depression no longer is the elephant in the room. By naming it and talking about it (according to the girls’ ages and level of understanding), it isn’t me against my family, but us together moving towards health. It also teaches my kids to talk about their struggles, too.
2. They are protected from it too, though.
But we don’t tell them everything. Our job as parents is to protect them. There’s no need to go into the depth of my despair. They are not my confidants or my counselors. I’m the adult. I’m the mom. They should get to be the kids.
3. When I’m not actively struggling with depression, my children can tell me how they are feeling.
One of my daughters is a verbal processor. She needs to talk about things to get them out of her system. So our rule is that she can say anything she wants to me about my depression when I am well enough to hear it. “I hate that you have depression! You don’t do enough as a mom! Why can’t you just get over it?” I let her tell me what she is thinking, and pray that I have the wherewithal to stand it, and also to grow from it. I commiserate with her. “I’m sorry that my illness is so hard for you. It isn’t fair. I am trying to get better.” I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but I know she feels a lot better being heard. Her mom cares. That’s huge to her.
4. Life goes on when mom is struggling.
Yes, everyone has to pitch in more when I am not doing well. But generally, we want our kids to know that life goes on. My husband and I try to get them to all their school and social obligations. There’s still laughter in the house, and prayer. Sergei makes a point to spend more time with them if I’m out of commission. I am trying to connect more with all of them as I am able. The kids are learning (and re-learning, and re-learning) that life isn’t perfect. People get sick. People struggle. But life continues.
5. And God is still good.
We are believers in Jesus. I want my kids to see that in the midst of trials, God is still good, and he is still in control. It is work, I’m not going to lie, but I try to thank God for what he is teaching me through my depression… in the presence of my children. I want them to see that I trust God. And that they can trust him too.
6. Having a plan regarding my kids helps me.
Guilt and catastrophic thinking are two major components of my depression. “They hate me. I’m the worst mom in the world.” unfortunately are thoughts I combat often. Knowing that we have a structure in line for our kids helps. It helps me to feel like a better mom because I am doing what I can, well, to be a better mom.
If you struggle with depression or another mental illness, what are some things you are doing in regards to family health? I could use more ideas!
You might also like:
A glimpse at a mother’s depression
10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression
On depression, hiding, and the need for raised hands
Can a Christian be depressed?
On coming out of depressionZemantaThe post Why I tell my kids about my depression appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
June 24, 2014
Interview with ‘Broke’ author Caryn Rivadeneira
Years ago, while visiting a Sunday school class at a new church, the teacher challenged us to take out our wallets and pass them to the person to our left. “Now, just wait,” he said while most of us squirmed in our seats. Anxiety grew as I watched the man next to me hold my wallet even though there probably was only a ten in there. Money: how much we have, how we get it, save it, spend it, and give it, is eerily personal, although it governs how we live, and often times, how we love. Our parents taught us that talk about money was impolite. You just don’t do it. But there’s lessons there, right? Can a person be broke, and yet still believe in an abundant God?
After a few moments that day in class, the teacher said we could reclaim our wallets. The whole room let out a collective sigh.
Introducing Caryn Rivadeneira
I’m pleased to welcome my friend and fellow INK and InterVarsity Press writer Caryn Rivadeneira today. Caryn’s most recent book Broke, What Financial Desperation Revealed About God’s Abundance tackles this taboo topic of money, more specifically, lack thereof, and what God taught her family through going broke. Why did Caryn chose such a difficult subject? And how does a person of faith handle it? In this brief interview, Caryn shares how God showed up through her experience, and also what she loves and hates about writing. Enjoy! (And get yourself a copy of her book. I highly recommend it!) Welcome Caryn…
Caryn, how did you decide to write about such an unexplored topic?
I don’t know that this topic is so unexplored as a genre. But it had been unexplored in my own life. For sure.
So, while we were going broke and then when we were broke, I had a hard time with God to say the least. I doubted his faithfulness and his goodness. For a while, I doubted his existence. I just couldn’t reconcile what I thought were qualities of a good God, a provider God, with what he allowed in our lives.
All along there were “simple” solutions to our financial desperation that a sovereign God could’ve “fixed” for us. So when he didn’t, I had to face my doubts and questions head on. If I were going to believe God existed and that he was faithful and that he was good, I had to look hard at my assumptions of what God’s faithfulness and blessings looked like.
Because I figure out what I think (and what God’s trying to teach me) by writing, I started writing what became Broke. Through it I began to see God’s “hand” in places I wouldn’t have otherwise. I also started to see his provision to us, his presence with us, and his goodness and faithfulness to us. And it helped me realize how upside-down my theology had been.
My hope is that my readers see this, too. We often misunderstand blessings and provision.
Even if we outwardly eschew the Prosperity Gospel, still: most of us associate God’s goodness with blessing us with health and wealth and easy street livin’. A quick gander through the Bible tells us that ain’t so. But most of us don’t like to think that God could bless us by letting us go broke, or that he blesses us by depriving us of something (or someone) that’s normally seen as the blessing.
And yet it’s in our neediness, in our dependence, that life in God is at its richest.
You write beautifully about nature in the book. Can you share a little bit here about the correlation between nature/money/God’s provision?
You’d think I was much more outdoorsy than I am from what I write in this book! I’m not really in those woods that much. Maybe that’s what makes them so sacred to me. God and I have some of our best conversations and wrestling matches in our walks through the woods.
When I need to lament—to gripe or groan to God about a hurt or frustration or some confusion or anger—I take it to the woods, or just outside. Somehow it’s there that I “hear” (or taste or see or smell or feel) God and his presence better than anywhere else. I can start the walk all angry and stompy and frustrated with God’s “negligence” and end it tingling with God’s presence and abundance.
If I believed in magic, I’d call it that. But instead, I know it as the miracle that happens when we accept God’s invitation to explore him, to take life up with him, to enter into his mystery and his unusual ways.
So while I’d love to say that I appreciate nature because when I look at birds and foxes and lilies, I remember Jesus’ command not to worry because his eye is on the sparrow and I’ll be fine. But not so. The “do not worry” and “his eye is on the sparrow” are tough passages. I confess: it only takes one run-over squirrel or one lightening-struck branch to make me go, “Oh, really?” to Jesus’ words. “So I shouldn’t worry then, Jesus? Your eye was on that squirrel and that branch?”
My time in nature is really about taking these sorts of hard questions to God. It’s there that I get reassurance of his mysterious work in the world—even though lightening still strikes and squirrels still get mowed down.
There are so many take aways. What’s one that has stuck with you since Broke published?
Oh, man. Is it bad to admit I still feel like much of it is a work in progress? It’s not like I’ve mastered the stuff I write about. It’s all about what I discover along the way. I have to revisit so much of it, remind myself to look for God, to stay sharp for his presence.
But the one idea I can’t stop noodling is his mystery. I love, love, love that God is mysterious and beckons us to explore him. I love that when God is confusing, when life disappointing, when our hurts are overwhelming, he welcomes our big questions. God invites us to poke around, to peak behind curtains, to run up those secret stairs in an effort to know him better. That’s what the Scriptures offer us and that’s what a life lived keenly aware of God’s presence and work offer us. Again, it’s in this mysterious and adventurous journey with God that abundant life awaits.
Writing question: What is the hardest thing about writing books in your opinion? Best?
The hardest thing about writing books is promoting books.
Of course, writing a book is a ton of work (and the work is not limited to butt-in-chair time, but includes the decades of mastering the craft, the months spent dreaming, planning, plotting and then the ever-restless heart, mind and soul that must accompany the book-writing). But writing a book energizes me. I love it and don’t think of it as “hardest” in any way.
But promoting a book, being “on” and “out there?” Fun, but exhausting. Facing less-than-stellar reviews, worrying about disappointing publishers if sales don’t meet expectations? Not fun, and exhausting. Definitely the hardest.
The best part about writing a book is the rest of it. I love everything from the initial seed, what-if thoughts that spark an idea to the jotting down random notes to the starting to craft chapter ideas and a proposal (okay, I don’t really love the proposal part), to the sitting down to write. The sitting down to write is actually the best.
Being able to do this is one of the greatest blessings of my life. And I’m thrilled that God broke me to bless me in this way. It may sound cheesy and trite, but it’s true. Writing books hasn’t made me rich financially but it’s made me rich in way better ways.
Caryn Rivadeneira is a writer, speaker and author of 5 book, the most recent of which is Broke: What Financial Desperation Revealed about God’s Abundance (InterVarsity Press, 2014). You can hear Caryn on Moody Radio‘s Midday Connection, where she is either on-air or producing, part-time. Caryn lives in the western suburbs of Chicago with her husband, three kids and one rescued pit bull. Visit Caryn at carynrivadeneira.com.
You might also like:
My Big News… A Book Deal about Depression
My response to being called an attention whore for advocating for my children with special needs
Setting a fly free, a special needs mom attempts to let herself off the hook in her struggles with parenting
The importance of a voice
Telling the whole truth; trading ugly for gloryZemantaThe post Interview with ‘Broke’ author Caryn Rivadeneira appeared first on Gillian Marchenko.
