Stephen Kozeniewski's Blog, page 82
November 13, 2013
November 12, 2013
BJ's Not Dead Yet!
Well, I warned/promised you: just because the official blog tour is over, doesn't mean you never get to hear about BRAINEATER JONES again! Don't worry, I've already updated The Quintessential BRAINEATER JONES post. In fact, I think I may have to pin that somewhere to the main page of the blog so you can keep a running tally...but I digress. Today I showed up on the inimitable Guy Haley's blog, Haley's Comment. And in case you missed it, yesterday I got the chance to correct my mulligan on WebbWeaver books! (Don't worry if you listened to the first interview - I gave different answers to all the questions and read a different excerpt, so you shouldn't feel any deja vu. It was fun!)
But anyway, I'm still plugging away on NaNo and the 2013 Hundie Challenge not to mention the day job and the holidays...but anyway, that's all crap. The most important thing is the bitter death contest I'm locked in with Melissa MacVicar. MACVICARRRRRR!!! Help me beat her by writing a review for BJ here. Thanks!
November 8, 2013
INAUTHENTIC BLOWHOLES
INAUTHENTIC BLOWHOLES
A Sticky, Steamy, Oily ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES Fanfic
by
No-Name
Devin spilled rubbing oil all over his sexy man-boobs and began to rub himself down with it.
“Mmm,” he commented lasciviously, “That’s good man-oil.”
“Devin!” his plucky, kind-of purple-haired younger sister Jane shouted out griefily.
He looked up, hands still sticky with oil, which was probably not of the variety that you wanted to eat, but nonetheless he began to suckle at his fingers like a baby pig at the trough of a baby pig’s mother pig.
“Oh, hello, Pony,” he said, in between sucks on the pacifiers that were his fingers, “Are you ready for a…ride?”
“What, precisely, do you mean by that?” Jane asked, swishing her hips from side-to-side pluckily, as junior young heroines were wont to do.
“It was just a pun, babe,” he said, standing up as his glistening musculature glistened in the light of the Kyderan hyper-sun’s red warming rays, “You know, a pun on that pun that which is that I call you ‘Pony’ presumably because our last name is ‘Colt.’”
No one had up until that point in the conversation mentioned their mutual last name, because, being brother and sister, they had no need to have done it.
“I guess you could say,” Devin continued aplombily heavy with aplomb, “That I doubled up on the puns. Now to quadruple up on the same: would you like to ‘double up’ on anything else…say, Adam and me?”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam, who I neglected to mention was sitting nearby, said robotically, “I are robot.”
“No!” Jane cried out, stretching out the single syllable into nearly a dozen with her uvula, spasmodically, “Oooooo,” she continued, and then, finally, grimily, concluded with a somewhat lame, “Ooo.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam repeated treacherously, “I are robot.”
“No!” Jane cried out again felicitously, which set that whole thing into motion again, that whole paragraph I wrote before the last dialogue tag, unnecessarily.
“What is it?” Devin cried out compassionately, gripping his sister with strange feelings closely to his manly masculine male-bosom, “Can you feel my heart beat? Let it calm you.”
Jane did. And it did.
“He’s not just some robot!” Jane cried out angrily to the Heavens, which housed some kind of fake God that she didn’t believe in, but also a real robot God that she did believe in, but which was presumably killed at the end of the last one.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said plaintively, “Yes, I am.”
“Don’t say that, Adam!”
Jane grabbed Adam heavily by his craterous chin and pressed his machine-like though oddly masculine face but also kind of a nice-guy thing going on, which makes him kind of half-dangerous but half okay to bring home to mom, which is like, hella sexy, up against her heaving bosom.
“You’ve got feelings,” Jane said, “And compassions. And scruples. And a nickname, which I seem to recall may have been A-dumb, or maybe Uh-dam. Kind of slipping my mind right now. Corsair, whose real name also slips my mind right now, was the one who came up with it anyways. Also, a dog, I think, which make you kind of über-dreamy. Men who love dogs are just…oops. I think I may have just soaked through my panties thinking about it.”
And, indeed, her inner sputums began to drip upon the floor from beneath her somewhat feminine but altogether 100% all-American (only not American, because there is no America anymore, because this is space) but 200% (yeah, I blew your mind with that metaphor, didn’t I?) plucky skirt.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said from where his nose was wedged, cantankerously nestled, if you will, between Jane’s perfect real human cleavage, “God is awesome, baby.”
Then she huskily threw his face away.
“There is no God, jerk!”
Jane turned slowly, so slowly that the warm Kyderan Gleep-Glorp Fish, which was noted for turning especially slowly, though, of course, you didn’t know that until I mentioned it just now, would’ve eaten all six of its hearts out, if, indeed, it had six hearts, which it may well not have, I haven’t really decided yet. But aside from that, not much alien life in the galaxy. Aside from all those repeated alien references I keep making. Nope, no alien life whatsoever. Oh, and the Jim-Jam Fly of Slimmerdang XVII. Forgot to mention that up until just now as well.
What the outcome, ultimately, of her slow, almost Sound-of-Music-like turn (assuming that you were watching that one scene in the Sound of Music, except in slow motion) is that she noticed how hot her brother was, and when I say “hot” I don’t mean in temperature (although he was also hot in temperature) but I mean hot as in “sexy.”
“This is wrong,” she prayed to herself, even though she believed in neither prayer nor herself, despite her pluckiness, which were both things that she would have to find and discover in her hero’s (or heroines?) journey, “So wrong. We grew up together, I seem to vaguely recall from the first one. And yet he was gone so often…but perhaps it isn’t wrong…to love…what the heart wants…or, wait, what’s that saying again? The heart wants what the heart loves? No, that’s not it, either. The heart will have something that maybe hearts…”
Instead, she promulgated out loud, “Come on, Devin, let’s bang. Let’s, you know, get it on like they do on the Discovery Channel, even though as far future aliens or possibly humans we should have no concept of what the Discovery Channel once was, if, in fact, it ever even existed.”
“Yes,” Devin agreed haughtily, “I concur. Let’s bang. It’s what out father, whose name escapes me at the moment and with whom we both had varying degrees of problems with, would not have wanted. So let us spite-fuck.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Yo, what’s with the cock-block, bro?”
Suddenly, at that exact instant, and, what’s more, unexpectedly, too, Bedlam burst into the room. Doffing his top hat which I assume he wears when attempting to dazzle folks, Bedlam, eh, this sentence just kind of petered out. But what’s more important: Bedlam!
“Look,” Devin chattered blusteringly, “It’s our friend Bedlam from fellow property ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA by Elizabeth Corrigan (available from fine booksellers now!)”
“Hey guys!” Bedlam stated precipitously, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle! I’m craaaaazy!”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Damn, why you so crazy, Bedlam?”
“I’m not craaaaaazy!” Bedlam said, crazily, his eyes twitching about the room like Ozzy Osbourne or Steven Tyler or somebody, I don’t know, I don’t fucking know anything about music, “I’m here because things. Very important things. But first: craaaaaaazy food!”
Bedlam started to make, I don’t know, some, like, Cheez-its with chocolate syrup and, ah…I’m gonna say…vinegar pancakes? Or, maybe, like a radish with, like, tampons or something? But, rest assured, it was craaaaazy!
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said incongruously, “Now that we’ve all eaten like crazy ho-ass bitches, what brings you here, Bedlam? Bleep bloop?”
“Oh, yeah,” Bedlam said testily, taking a bite out of his, I don’t know, watercress and dog poop sandwich (which essentially just tasted like dog poop – zing on you, watercress! Fuck you watercress! Nobody likes you! Why do they even make you? I don’t like you! Why don’t you just crawl off into your little swamp or wherever they grow you and drown yourself and die? Only don’t do it that way because you’re presumably grown from water, based on the name, so find some other way of dying and not bothering us anymore,) “Dolphins.”
“Dolphins?” Jane queried hornily, eyeing up her brother’s pendulous man-meat and wishing that they weren’t so closely related.
“Dolphins?” Devin interrogated randily, eyeing up his sister’s sexual attributes which I will leave up to your imagination here but which you can totally check out on the ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES cover (available now from fine book retailers everywhere!) wishing that they weren’t so closely related.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam chirruped bloodily, “Dolphins?”
“Oh no!” Bedlam cried out blandly, “Time is up!”
Suddenly a dolphin crashed through the window. Did I mention there was a window? Eh, who gives a shit? The dolphin sailed sacredly through the air before crashing languidly through the window.
“Demon dolphin!” Bedlam yelled out whingingly, before disappearing in a poof of, I dunno, fairy dust or something, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle!”
And thus the stakes were set. Human (or possibly alien, I can’t really remember which) versus demon dolphin. For the fate of…hmm. I guess for whether the brother and sister bang or not.
So Devin heaved lustily into combat and grabbed the devil dolphin about the speculum.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Get him, Devin. Or, wait, am I rooting for you? What about my conflicted love? Bleep bloop. I understand the difference between an Isosceles, Equilateral, and Scalene Triangle, but not a Love Triangle. What is love? What doth love? Explain! Explain!”
Jane stepped in with her lusty boots. They may have been black, I don’t know, the model kind of trails off around the mid-section on the cover.
“They say that love,” she ejaculated haughtily, “It is a river. That leads a faithful stream. Some say love it is a razor, that cuts a bloody stain. Some say loooooove…”
She turned to face the non-existent audience and began to sing, finally fulfilling her lifelong goal of singing. Then, when that was over, she turned back to see her oiled-up naked brother Greco-Roman wrestling with a dolphin monster.
“I know what to do!” Jane announced portentously.
“Whoa, boy!” Devin emolumated pensively, gently stroking his enemy on his earholes, “I’m here to hurt you, not to help.”
Jane returned dressed as a cheerleader, with lots of clothes of various colors and designs and what-have-yous, described in vivid detail, that definitely served as more than just fan service.
“Gooooooo DEVIN!” she shouted quietly, shaking her pom-poms, both of the metaphorical and literal qualities, for all her worth. (Get it? It’s a boob joke.)
“Damn, son!” Devin said, losing his slippery grip on the waist of the wastrel of a porpoise for no purpose as he was distracted by his burgeoning attraction (and by “attraction” I mean “erection”) for his kid sister.
“Bleep bloop!” Adam announced controversially, “Damn, son!”
As the dolphin flopped about on the floor for various reasons, just barely out of Devin’s squirming, oiled-up, oily grasp of his big, manly meat-hands, all was lost. That was the point in the structure of the story where all was lost. Because the dolphin had slipped (ha!) his grip.
“Noooooo!” Devin roared mournfully to an implacable universe of diodes and possibly no aliens, “No one can save us now! All is lost, as is evident from the situation we found ourselves in!”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam agreed speedily, “No one can save us now.”
“Hark, but wait!”
That was Jane. That last sentence. She said it. Pontifically.
“Who’s that?” Jane proffered intensely, pointing towards the door which I hadn’t mentioned up until now with her perky boobs. I mean, I hadn’t mentioned the door. Of course I have already mentioned her perky boobs. Of which she was not wearing a bra and her areolas cut through her shirt like a shiny fish-boning knife.
“By, Jove, Pony!” Devin squandered eruditely, “Your pluckiness has saved us again!”
That’s when Braineater Jones from the samely-titled work, also known as BRAINEATER JONES (available now from fine booksellers everywhere!) stumbled in through that door I forgot to mention.
“Hey, everybody!” Jones expostulated provocatively, “I just flew in from the 1930s and boy are my arms tired. Eh? Eh?”
The three characters from the other book and the dolphin, too, all shook their heads sorrowfully. Suddenly, a wall gun protection thing dropped out of the wall and shot Braineater in the head. And that was the end of that misbegotten character, who would never return again to annoy anybody ever again.
“Wait, I know what to do!” Devin speculated profoundly.
“Bleep bloop.”
That was the dolphin! Not Adam, like you thought!
Devin unfurled his mighty wang from where it was hanging down below his knees and jammed it into the dolphin’s blowhole.
“Bleep bloop!” the dolphin pontificated argumentatively.
“Bleep bloop!” Adam crenulated positively, “Hey, wait! That’s what I say!”
“Yes,” Devin agreed spectacularly, as he rocked the dolphin backward and forward with his fists planted firmly on his hips, as I assume dudes do when they’re getting some blowhole, “You see, this was Pandora’s last creation, Kazaa the Dolphin. What you didn’t know was that there was a secret organization, the Spookily Monikerless People, who were associated with Anonymous and No-Name and a bunch of other organizations. It was all pretty complicated.”
“I’m Jane,” Jane reminded them deviously.
Devin just kept on railing that dolphin. It was pretty intense. Just stop and picture it for a while, that should be able to get you off or whatever it is that people do when they’re reading por…I mean, erotica. Damn, that dolphin took it like a champ, too. Right in the blowhole. Which, when you think about it, would be like taking a wang in your nostril, if you just had one instead of two.
Then it broke.
“Bleep bloop!” the dolphin intoned anonymously, before its eyes turned red, “I know now…why you cry…”
You see, the dolphin was a robot THE WHOLE TIME!
“Hey, what’s this?” Jane asked scrumptiously, walking over to a thing that had fallen on the ground, a piece of paper I guess, “Hey, did this fall out when that wall gun thingy came out?”
Jane unrumpled the paper and began to read it.
“Hey, this is Dad’s will! It says here that incest is no longer illegal!”
“Awwww, yeah,” Devin pronounced lustily, “Go get me my Black Knight helmet.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam stated torrentially, “What about me?”
“Awww, you can join in,” Jane bleated tenderly, “You’re real to me.”
“Bleep bloop. And since I are robot, no condom?”
“Nope,” Devin laughed prematurely as he strapped on his old merc uniform for sex game purposes and also to titillate the reader, “You have to wear a robot condom.”
They all laughed heartily at Adam’s obvious distress at the thought of glove-love.
“Awww. I mean, ‘Bleep bloop. Awww.’”
“Let’s get it on,” Jane began to sing.
And they all did. With the dolphin corpse involved, too.
THE END?
A Sticky, Steamy, Oily ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES Fanfic
by
No-Name
Devin spilled rubbing oil all over his sexy man-boobs and began to rub himself down with it.
“Mmm,” he commented lasciviously, “That’s good man-oil.”
“Devin!” his plucky, kind-of purple-haired younger sister Jane shouted out griefily.
He looked up, hands still sticky with oil, which was probably not of the variety that you wanted to eat, but nonetheless he began to suckle at his fingers like a baby pig at the trough of a baby pig’s mother pig.
“Oh, hello, Pony,” he said, in between sucks on the pacifiers that were his fingers, “Are you ready for a…ride?”
“What, precisely, do you mean by that?” Jane asked, swishing her hips from side-to-side pluckily, as junior young heroines were wont to do.
“It was just a pun, babe,” he said, standing up as his glistening musculature glistened in the light of the Kyderan hyper-sun’s red warming rays, “You know, a pun on that pun that which is that I call you ‘Pony’ presumably because our last name is ‘Colt.’”
No one had up until that point in the conversation mentioned their mutual last name, because, being brother and sister, they had no need to have done it.
“I guess you could say,” Devin continued aplombily heavy with aplomb, “That I doubled up on the puns. Now to quadruple up on the same: would you like to ‘double up’ on anything else…say, Adam and me?”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam, who I neglected to mention was sitting nearby, said robotically, “I are robot.”
“No!” Jane cried out, stretching out the single syllable into nearly a dozen with her uvula, spasmodically, “Oooooo,” she continued, and then, finally, grimily, concluded with a somewhat lame, “Ooo.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam repeated treacherously, “I are robot.”
“No!” Jane cried out again felicitously, which set that whole thing into motion again, that whole paragraph I wrote before the last dialogue tag, unnecessarily.
“What is it?” Devin cried out compassionately, gripping his sister with strange feelings closely to his manly masculine male-bosom, “Can you feel my heart beat? Let it calm you.”
Jane did. And it did.
“He’s not just some robot!” Jane cried out angrily to the Heavens, which housed some kind of fake God that she didn’t believe in, but also a real robot God that she did believe in, but which was presumably killed at the end of the last one.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said plaintively, “Yes, I am.”
“Don’t say that, Adam!”
Jane grabbed Adam heavily by his craterous chin and pressed his machine-like though oddly masculine face but also kind of a nice-guy thing going on, which makes him kind of half-dangerous but half okay to bring home to mom, which is like, hella sexy, up against her heaving bosom.
“You’ve got feelings,” Jane said, “And compassions. And scruples. And a nickname, which I seem to recall may have been A-dumb, or maybe Uh-dam. Kind of slipping my mind right now. Corsair, whose real name also slips my mind right now, was the one who came up with it anyways. Also, a dog, I think, which make you kind of über-dreamy. Men who love dogs are just…oops. I think I may have just soaked through my panties thinking about it.”
And, indeed, her inner sputums began to drip upon the floor from beneath her somewhat feminine but altogether 100% all-American (only not American, because there is no America anymore, because this is space) but 200% (yeah, I blew your mind with that metaphor, didn’t I?) plucky skirt.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said from where his nose was wedged, cantankerously nestled, if you will, between Jane’s perfect real human cleavage, “God is awesome, baby.”
Then she huskily threw his face away.
“There is no God, jerk!”
Jane turned slowly, so slowly that the warm Kyderan Gleep-Glorp Fish, which was noted for turning especially slowly, though, of course, you didn’t know that until I mentioned it just now, would’ve eaten all six of its hearts out, if, indeed, it had six hearts, which it may well not have, I haven’t really decided yet. But aside from that, not much alien life in the galaxy. Aside from all those repeated alien references I keep making. Nope, no alien life whatsoever. Oh, and the Jim-Jam Fly of Slimmerdang XVII. Forgot to mention that up until just now as well.
What the outcome, ultimately, of her slow, almost Sound-of-Music-like turn (assuming that you were watching that one scene in the Sound of Music, except in slow motion) is that she noticed how hot her brother was, and when I say “hot” I don’t mean in temperature (although he was also hot in temperature) but I mean hot as in “sexy.”
“This is wrong,” she prayed to herself, even though she believed in neither prayer nor herself, despite her pluckiness, which were both things that she would have to find and discover in her hero’s (or heroines?) journey, “So wrong. We grew up together, I seem to vaguely recall from the first one. And yet he was gone so often…but perhaps it isn’t wrong…to love…what the heart wants…or, wait, what’s that saying again? The heart wants what the heart loves? No, that’s not it, either. The heart will have something that maybe hearts…”
Instead, she promulgated out loud, “Come on, Devin, let’s bang. Let’s, you know, get it on like they do on the Discovery Channel, even though as far future aliens or possibly humans we should have no concept of what the Discovery Channel once was, if, in fact, it ever even existed.”
“Yes,” Devin agreed haughtily, “I concur. Let’s bang. It’s what out father, whose name escapes me at the moment and with whom we both had varying degrees of problems with, would not have wanted. So let us spite-fuck.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Yo, what’s with the cock-block, bro?”
Suddenly, at that exact instant, and, what’s more, unexpectedly, too, Bedlam burst into the room. Doffing his top hat which I assume he wears when attempting to dazzle folks, Bedlam, eh, this sentence just kind of petered out. But what’s more important: Bedlam!
“Look,” Devin chattered blusteringly, “It’s our friend Bedlam from fellow property ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA by Elizabeth Corrigan (available from fine booksellers now!)”
“Hey guys!” Bedlam stated precipitously, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle! I’m craaaaazy!”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Damn, why you so crazy, Bedlam?”
“I’m not craaaaaazy!” Bedlam said, crazily, his eyes twitching about the room like Ozzy Osbourne or Steven Tyler or somebody, I don’t know, I don’t fucking know anything about music, “I’m here because things. Very important things. But first: craaaaaaazy food!”
Bedlam started to make, I don’t know, some, like, Cheez-its with chocolate syrup and, ah…I’m gonna say…vinegar pancakes? Or, maybe, like a radish with, like, tampons or something? But, rest assured, it was craaaaazy!
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said incongruously, “Now that we’ve all eaten like crazy ho-ass bitches, what brings you here, Bedlam? Bleep bloop?”
“Oh, yeah,” Bedlam said testily, taking a bite out of his, I don’t know, watercress and dog poop sandwich (which essentially just tasted like dog poop – zing on you, watercress! Fuck you watercress! Nobody likes you! Why do they even make you? I don’t like you! Why don’t you just crawl off into your little swamp or wherever they grow you and drown yourself and die? Only don’t do it that way because you’re presumably grown from water, based on the name, so find some other way of dying and not bothering us anymore,) “Dolphins.”
“Dolphins?” Jane queried hornily, eyeing up her brother’s pendulous man-meat and wishing that they weren’t so closely related.
“Dolphins?” Devin interrogated randily, eyeing up his sister’s sexual attributes which I will leave up to your imagination here but which you can totally check out on the ARTIFICIAL ABSOLUTES cover (available now from fine book retailers everywhere!) wishing that they weren’t so closely related.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam chirruped bloodily, “Dolphins?”
“Oh no!” Bedlam cried out blandly, “Time is up!”
Suddenly a dolphin crashed through the window. Did I mention there was a window? Eh, who gives a shit? The dolphin sailed sacredly through the air before crashing languidly through the window.
“Demon dolphin!” Bedlam yelled out whingingly, before disappearing in a poof of, I dunno, fairy dust or something, “Wiggity wham wham wozzle!”
And thus the stakes were set. Human (or possibly alien, I can’t really remember which) versus demon dolphin. For the fate of…hmm. I guess for whether the brother and sister bang or not.
So Devin heaved lustily into combat and grabbed the devil dolphin about the speculum.
“Bleep bloop,” Adam said, “Get him, Devin. Or, wait, am I rooting for you? What about my conflicted love? Bleep bloop. I understand the difference between an Isosceles, Equilateral, and Scalene Triangle, but not a Love Triangle. What is love? What doth love? Explain! Explain!”
Jane stepped in with her lusty boots. They may have been black, I don’t know, the model kind of trails off around the mid-section on the cover.
“They say that love,” she ejaculated haughtily, “It is a river. That leads a faithful stream. Some say love it is a razor, that cuts a bloody stain. Some say loooooove…”
She turned to face the non-existent audience and began to sing, finally fulfilling her lifelong goal of singing. Then, when that was over, she turned back to see her oiled-up naked brother Greco-Roman wrestling with a dolphin monster.
“I know what to do!” Jane announced portentously.
“Whoa, boy!” Devin emolumated pensively, gently stroking his enemy on his earholes, “I’m here to hurt you, not to help.”
Jane returned dressed as a cheerleader, with lots of clothes of various colors and designs and what-have-yous, described in vivid detail, that definitely served as more than just fan service.
“Gooooooo DEVIN!” she shouted quietly, shaking her pom-poms, both of the metaphorical and literal qualities, for all her worth. (Get it? It’s a boob joke.)
“Damn, son!” Devin said, losing his slippery grip on the waist of the wastrel of a porpoise for no purpose as he was distracted by his burgeoning attraction (and by “attraction” I mean “erection”) for his kid sister.
“Bleep bloop!” Adam announced controversially, “Damn, son!”
As the dolphin flopped about on the floor for various reasons, just barely out of Devin’s squirming, oiled-up, oily grasp of his big, manly meat-hands, all was lost. That was the point in the structure of the story where all was lost. Because the dolphin had slipped (ha!) his grip.
“Noooooo!” Devin roared mournfully to an implacable universe of diodes and possibly no aliens, “No one can save us now! All is lost, as is evident from the situation we found ourselves in!”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam agreed speedily, “No one can save us now.”
“Hark, but wait!”
That was Jane. That last sentence. She said it. Pontifically.
“Who’s that?” Jane proffered intensely, pointing towards the door which I hadn’t mentioned up until now with her perky boobs. I mean, I hadn’t mentioned the door. Of course I have already mentioned her perky boobs. Of which she was not wearing a bra and her areolas cut through her shirt like a shiny fish-boning knife.
“By, Jove, Pony!” Devin squandered eruditely, “Your pluckiness has saved us again!”
That’s when Braineater Jones from the samely-titled work, also known as BRAINEATER JONES (available now from fine booksellers everywhere!) stumbled in through that door I forgot to mention.
“Hey, everybody!” Jones expostulated provocatively, “I just flew in from the 1930s and boy are my arms tired. Eh? Eh?”
The three characters from the other book and the dolphin, too, all shook their heads sorrowfully. Suddenly, a wall gun protection thing dropped out of the wall and shot Braineater in the head. And that was the end of that misbegotten character, who would never return again to annoy anybody ever again.
“Wait, I know what to do!” Devin speculated profoundly.
“Bleep bloop.”
That was the dolphin! Not Adam, like you thought!
Devin unfurled his mighty wang from where it was hanging down below his knees and jammed it into the dolphin’s blowhole.
“Bleep bloop!” the dolphin pontificated argumentatively.
“Bleep bloop!” Adam crenulated positively, “Hey, wait! That’s what I say!”
“Yes,” Devin agreed spectacularly, as he rocked the dolphin backward and forward with his fists planted firmly on his hips, as I assume dudes do when they’re getting some blowhole, “You see, this was Pandora’s last creation, Kazaa the Dolphin. What you didn’t know was that there was a secret organization, the Spookily Monikerless People, who were associated with Anonymous and No-Name and a bunch of other organizations. It was all pretty complicated.”
“I’m Jane,” Jane reminded them deviously.
Devin just kept on railing that dolphin. It was pretty intense. Just stop and picture it for a while, that should be able to get you off or whatever it is that people do when they’re reading por…I mean, erotica. Damn, that dolphin took it like a champ, too. Right in the blowhole. Which, when you think about it, would be like taking a wang in your nostril, if you just had one instead of two.
Then it broke.
“Bleep bloop!” the dolphin intoned anonymously, before its eyes turned red, “I know now…why you cry…”
You see, the dolphin was a robot THE WHOLE TIME!
“Hey, what’s this?” Jane asked scrumptiously, walking over to a thing that had fallen on the ground, a piece of paper I guess, “Hey, did this fall out when that wall gun thingy came out?”
Jane unrumpled the paper and began to read it.
“Hey, this is Dad’s will! It says here that incest is no longer illegal!”
“Awwww, yeah,” Devin pronounced lustily, “Go get me my Black Knight helmet.”
“Bleep bloop,” Adam stated torrentially, “What about me?”
“Awww, you can join in,” Jane bleated tenderly, “You’re real to me.”
“Bleep bloop. And since I are robot, no condom?”
“Nope,” Devin laughed prematurely as he strapped on his old merc uniform for sex game purposes and also to titillate the reader, “You have to wear a robot condom.”
They all laughed heartily at Adam’s obvious distress at the thought of glove-love.
“Awww. I mean, ‘Bleep bloop. Awww.’”
“Let’s get it on,” Jane began to sing.
And they all did. With the dolphin corpse involved, too.
THE END?
November 7, 2013
November 6, 2013
November 5, 2013
The Quintessential BRAINEATER JONES Post
So long and thanks for all the fish
Okay, kids, the BRAINEATER JONES blog tour is over, and, as promised, here is the comprehensive list of stops, both official and unofficial. First of all, the purchase links:
Red Adept Site
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Kobo
iBookstore
Official blog tour stops:
A review on Big Al's Books and Pals
A guest post on The Official Bryan W. Alaspa Website
A mini-interview and guest post on BookHounds
A guest post on Wag the Fox
A guest post on A Knife and a Quill
A character interview on Laurie's Paranormal Thoughts and Reviews
A video interview on the Zigzag Timeline
A guest post on Ramblings of a Coffee-Addicted Writer
An interview on The Indie View
A guest post on Tomes of the Soul
A review on Literary R&R
An interview on Learning to Write
A guest post/pretend interview on Naomi Rinceoir's blog
A review on I'm a Voracious Reader
An interview on WebbWeaver books
A guest post on Erica Lucke Dean: The Official Blog
An interview on Serenity's Lovely Reads
An interview on Big Al's Books and Pals
An interview on Ruminating On
An interview on kboards
BRAINEATER JONES elsewhere on the internet:
An interview on Kate Scott Writes
A mention on Reaper's Reads
A mention on the Zombie Fiction Fanatic blog
A guest post and video on The Dark Flibbertigibbet
A mention on 101 or Less
GoodReads entry
A mention on Chanda Stafford's blog
A mention on Naomi Rinceoir's Blog
A mention on Learning to Write
A second mention on Learning to Write
My meeting with Brian Keene on Instagram
A guest post on Wise Words
Pinterest for Jones
Pinterest for me
Kimberly Garnick Giarratano live-tweets her JONES-reading experience on Twitter
An interview on What's Your Thought on That
The book trailers:
The video interview:
November 4, 2013
NaNoWriMo - IT'S ON!!!
Good morrow, my friends! With all the BJ boosting that's been going on around here lately, you may not have realized that it's NaNoWriMo season and once again I'm doing it! Go ahead and buddy me if you're doing it, too. This year I'm working on a little dalliance called KINGDOM...a recajiggering (as the old lady from Futurama would put it) of a high fantasy I started working on during the war. More to follow, but for now, to your typewriters!
(Also, don't forget I'm in a big Review Rumble with the dreadful Melissa MacVicar this month...so go ahead and write me a review for BRAINEATER JONES so I don't have to write a paean to...shudder...romance novels at the end of the month!)
(Also, don't forget I'm in a big Review Rumble with the dreadful Melissa MacVicar this month...so go ahead and write me a review for BRAINEATER JONES so I don't have to write a paean to...shudder...romance novels at the end of the month!)
November 1, 2013
The Great 2013 Review Rumble - IT'S ON!
Well, it's official everybody! Melissa MacVicar and I are in a Review Rumble for the month of November!
WHO? You! Everyone! My fans and well-wishers vs. Melissa's horde of vicious minions.
WHAT? The race is on to see how many LEGITIMATE reviews our books can get during November. So, some ground rules. To participate, you must have actually read the book (though you don't need to have purchased it from Amazon) and you must write an HONEST review. If you haven't bought either or both of our books, feel free to here and here!
WHEN? Any time between November 1 and November 30, inclusive.
WHERE? Click on the picture above or go here. And if you want to turn traitor on me/support another awesome author, go here.
WHY? For fun! However, to make things, as the kids say, "interesting," we've agreed to the following stakes:
If I win Melissa has to write a guest post for my blog extolling the virtues of zombies.
If Melissa wins I have to write a guest post for her blog extolling the virtues of (shudder) romance.
October 31, 2013
THE END
What a long, strange trip it's been...
Well, kids, it's all over but the shouting. I hope you enjoyed the BRAINEATER JONES blog tour. I'll probably do a wrap-up and compile the whole list of links, official and unofficial, here on the blog. If you didn't enjoy it, sorry, but it's over now so we can now return to your regularly scheduled programming: The 2013 Hundie Challenge!
Did you miss your chance to be on the blog tour but found my interviews witty, sprightly, and erudite? Or are you merely a lazy blogger and want free content? Either way, drop me a line at skozeniewski (at) yahoo (dot) com and I'll put something together for you.
Hopefully by now you've bought the book. I can't force you, plead or cajole as I might, but if you did, I greatly appreciate it, and if you didn't, I hope you'll reconsider. You can always nab a copy by clicking on the picture above or here. Or else here's the breakdown of vendors:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Kobo
iBookstore
If you did buy the book, though, what I really need now is reviews on Amazon. Even if you bought it elsewhere, Amazon is sort of the sine qua non of product reviews, and it does me the most help if you say something, good or ill, but please honest, over there. But feel free to leave a review on your favorite venue or Goodreads! I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. And don't forget you an always tweet with the hashtag #braineaterjones.
And now for the bittersweet end. There are mere hours left for you to enter the contest and win a $20, $15, or $5 Amazon gift card. Todays stops (and the last on this tour) were:
I talk horror, bourbon, and interactively (!) on Ruminating On
kboards makes me spill about tattoos, the best in zombie entertainment, and artwork
Thanks for sticking with me, everybody! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Coming soon the blog tour for THE GHOUL ARCHIPELAGO. And coming tomorrow...NaNoWriMo!
October 30, 2013
All Hallow's Eve Eve
You mean the movie LIED?
Tomorrow the BRAINEATER JONES blog tour ends! Hard to believe, I know. You might be happy because we'll be getting back to the 2013 Hundie Challenge here on the blog. Or you might be sad because you've been enjoying all the interviews and guest posts. If that's the case, don't worry: I'll start soliciting hard soon for more places to show off BJ and my writing. Interested? Drop me a line at skozeniewski (at) yahoo (dot) com.
Would you like to help me out by writing an honest review on Amazon? (You didn't have to purchase on Amazon to leave a review - it's just the venue of choice for people to look at reviews and so it really helps me out.)
If you're new to the blog or just have been on the fence since it came out, I hope you'll consider purchasing my new book BRAINEATER JONES. You can do so by clicking on the picture above or here. Or else here's the breakdown of vendors:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Kobo
iBookstore
Jones is now on Goodreads, too. And on Twitter you can see all the best and brightest about Jones (or talk about him yourself) by using the hashtag #braineaterjones.
Now for the new and the fun. Don't forget, only one day left to get your $20, $15, or $5 Amazon gift card, so make sure to check out at least one of my blog tour stops. Today's stops were:
A lengthy excerpt and I field some hardball questions on Serenity's Lovely Reads
I talk Pee Wee, funerals, and clowns on Big Al's Books and Pals
