Stephen Kozeniewski's Blog, page 86
August 14, 2013
August 12, 2013
The 2013 Hundie Challenge #68: Dastardly Bastard
As we wind down the Red Adept books on this list - after today, there's two more - I thought we'd come back and take a look at the very first book RAP published, way back in 2012 A.D.: DASTARDLY BASTARD by Edward Lorn. Let's kick this post off with a tagline.
DASTARDLY BASTARD is like EVIL DEAD meets THE SHINING.
Not sure that's one of my best but these seem to get harder the further I delve into this list. I've got to say, DB definitely has a Stephen King-ish quality to it, I might even say a George R. R. Martin quality to it the way it jumps from head to head. (Not to mention the...well, I won't get into that.) And it's definitely got a "We're trapped, oh shit, the bridge is out too and the clocks stopped" feeling to it a la Raimi.
Señor Lorn disagrees with me, but I believe this is his best book. Well, he's welcome to be wrong.
For the back cover blurb and places to buy, click here.
To read an excerpt click here.
DASTARDLY BASTARD is like EVIL DEAD meets THE SHINING.
Not sure that's one of my best but these seem to get harder the further I delve into this list. I've got to say, DB definitely has a Stephen King-ish quality to it, I might even say a George R. R. Martin quality to it the way it jumps from head to head. (Not to mention the...well, I won't get into that.) And it's definitely got a "We're trapped, oh shit, the bridge is out too and the clocks stopped" feeling to it a la Raimi.
Señor Lorn disagrees with me, but I believe this is his best book. Well, he's welcome to be wrong.
For the back cover blurb and places to buy, click here.
To read an excerpt click here.
August 9, 2013
August 7, 2013
August 5, 2013
The 2013 Hundie Challenge #65: Oracle of Philadelphia
So, as I've mentioned ad nauseum, I can't really properly "review" any of the books from my publisher because, you know, conflict of interest. Either I'm going to call them awesome and be accused of being a meat puppet (which, seriously, WTF, Wikipedia) or call it terrible and then be a terrible, terrible person and be ostracized from my fledgling author community. So there's no winning there. I've been upset about this prohibition to varying degrees regarding each Red Adept book I've spotlighted here on the blog, but none moreso than ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA by Elizabeth Corrigan.
I should SERIOUSLY not review OoP, though, because Lizzy "Don't Call Me Lizzy" Corrigan is the one who first hooked me up with Red Adept, so I have so much residual goodwill to her, that it almost doesn't matter that she also wrote an incredible book. That theoretical review would've been glowing either way. Glowing...like a halo! (Get it? Get it? No? Well, read the book, then, you Philistine.) That being said, let me do the one fun thing which I am not ethically prohibited from doing, which is to come up with a tagline. Here goes:
ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA is like THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE meets HIGHLANDER.
Awesome! Nailed it! Holy shit, that was good. I didn't even think I was going to be able to come up with one, but that just like, slid off my fingertips and into your eyeholes.
Aaaaaanyway, OoP is basically a story of a woman, I'm not even going to bother because she's got like 50 names in the book, oh, all right, let's just call her Carrie, I think that's the one she presently uses, who can, like, read people's minds and stuff. Which basically makes her a pawn in the whole Cold War between Heaven and Hell, because her powers come from Lucifer, but she wants to help people, and in a lot of ways she can't, so it basically amounts to a curse rather than a blessing. But she tries as best she can to find a Third Way (take that, Tito!) and is friends with both angel and devils, including the awesome chaos demon Bedlam, who everyone pretty much agrees has taken over the book and the series, as good demons are wont to do.
For the back cover and places to buy, click here.
Or to read an excerpt check this out.
Oh, also, I would be SERIOUSLY remiss if I didn't tell you to follow Bedlam on Twitter. He's soooo much fun to harass.
I should SERIOUSLY not review OoP, though, because Lizzy "Don't Call Me Lizzy" Corrigan is the one who first hooked me up with Red Adept, so I have so much residual goodwill to her, that it almost doesn't matter that she also wrote an incredible book. That theoretical review would've been glowing either way. Glowing...like a halo! (Get it? Get it? No? Well, read the book, then, you Philistine.) That being said, let me do the one fun thing which I am not ethically prohibited from doing, which is to come up with a tagline. Here goes:
ORACLE OF PHILADELPHIA is like THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE meets HIGHLANDER.
Awesome! Nailed it! Holy shit, that was good. I didn't even think I was going to be able to come up with one, but that just like, slid off my fingertips and into your eyeholes.
Aaaaaanyway, OoP is basically a story of a woman, I'm not even going to bother because she's got like 50 names in the book, oh, all right, let's just call her Carrie, I think that's the one she presently uses, who can, like, read people's minds and stuff. Which basically makes her a pawn in the whole Cold War between Heaven and Hell, because her powers come from Lucifer, but she wants to help people, and in a lot of ways she can't, so it basically amounts to a curse rather than a blessing. But she tries as best she can to find a Third Way (take that, Tito!) and is friends with both angel and devils, including the awesome chaos demon Bedlam, who everyone pretty much agrees has taken over the book and the series, as good demons are wont to do.
For the back cover and places to buy, click here.
Or to read an excerpt check this out.
Oh, also, I would be SERIOUSLY remiss if I didn't tell you to follow Bedlam on Twitter. He's soooo much fun to harass.
August 2, 2013
August 1, 2013
BRAINEATER JONES Blog Tour Accepting Applications Now!
ATTENTION BLOGGERS!
The blog tour for BRAINEATER JONES is accepting applications now. Not only does your blog get exposure but there are PRIZES and that's always good for traffic. Hey, it's not all just about pimping me.
If you want to get on board the brain train, send an e-mail directly to my publisher lynn@redadeptpublishing.com.
Lookit dem sexy bitches
The blog tour for BRAINEATER JONES is accepting applications now. Not only does your blog get exposure but there are PRIZES and that's always good for traffic. Hey, it's not all just about pimping me.
If you want to get on board the brain train, send an e-mail directly to my publisher lynn@redadeptpublishing.com.
Lookit dem sexy bitches
July 31, 2013
July 30, 2013
DIRTY SOCIAL WORKING
***One of my favorite unpublished manuscripts remains to this day MAVERICK, LCSW. And one of my all-time favorite parts of MAVERICK, LCSW is a little piece I like to call DIRTY SOCIAL WORKING. I like to think of this as the GRAND INQUISITOR to MAVERICK LCSW's THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV. So, for everyone's benefit, but especially newcomers to the blog, please enjoy...DIRTY SOCIAL WORKING.***
CLOSEUP FADES TO wavy transition
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
We met in the summer of 1963. My future wife was vacationing at a summer camp in the Catskills.
wide shot
ANGIE
Wait, did you say 1963?
MAVERICK
Oh, I meant 1987.
ANGIE
1987, are you sure?
MAVERICK
Whatever year is appropriate for the current year, based on my apparent age.
Angie rolls her eyes. Maverick goes back to string off into the distance.
closeup fades to wavy transition
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
Anyway, as I was saying. We met in the summer of 1963. My future wife was vacationing at a summer camp in the Catskills.
ext.resort in the catskills - flashback
The soundtrack and clothing indicate to the audience that this is a "Dirty Dancing" spoof. LISA, Maverick's wife, enters the camp with her family, chewing on a stick of bubblegum. Young Maverick, dressed in a black leotard, is hanging out by the pool, stretching his calves.
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
I was one of the social services instructors at the resort that year.
ANGIE
(v.o.)
Whatever year that was?
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
Right, whatever year that was.
Lisa walks up to Young Maverick and blows a bubble. Young Maverick puts his hands on his hips.
young maverick
Hey, baby. You want to go over in that corner and make out?
INT.ANGIE'S APARTMENT - present day - continuous
Maverick is gesturing at Angie like, "Huh? Huh? Get it?"
ANGIE
What? I don't get what you're doing?
MAVERICK
Go to the corner? Get it? With a girl I just called baby?
Angie shrugs and shakes her head.
MAVERICK
Well, I thought it was clever.
ANGIE
You seem to think lots of things are clever.
EXT.RESORT IN THE CATSKILLS - FLASHBACK - continuous
Maverick and Lisa are making out behind the pool shed. Suddenly she stops and pushes him away.
lisa
Wait a minute, handsome stranger. Who are you?
YOUNG MAVERICK
I'm Maverick, MSW. I teach social services and a little bit of leathercraft here at the resort. But that's not all I plan to ever do.
Young Maverick gestures expansively out at the wide world.
YOUNG MAVERICK
I'm going places, baby.
LISA
Why do you keep calling me that?
YOUNG MAVERICK
Someday I'm going to be a big cog in the social work empire. Someday I'll be king of the social workers, and everybody will listen to what I say: presidents, popes, everybody. And razor-thin funding won't ever be a problem again.
LISA
Oh, you and your dreams, Maverick, MSW! Could you teach me to social work?
Young Maverick takes her arm and moves her into an elegant en pointe ballet position. He runs his fingers along the underside of her arm and armpit.
YOUNG MAVERICK
I can do better than that. I can teach you to...dirty social work.
EXT.RESORT IN THE CATSKILLS - various locations
An appropriate song plays on the soundtrack for a dirty social working MONTAGE.
Lisa carries a watermelon in her arms like it's a baby. Young Maverick jumps in the way and takes her watermelon baby and gives it to another crying vacationer.
They dance in the woods across a log bridge with a bunch of tri-folders in their hands. On the other side of the log bridge they put the folders into a filing cabinet sitting in the mud.
Lisa sits at a pottery wheel. Young Maverick comes up behind her and sensually helps her make a clay vase.
Lisa carries the vase she just made in her arms like it's a baby. Young Maverick jumps in the way and takes her vase baby and gives it to another crying vacationer.
The MONTAGE ENDS
INT.the big social work cotillion - flashback
LISA'S FATHER stands up.
lisa's FATHER
I forbid you to do any more of this...this...dirty social work!
INT.ANGIE'S APARTMENT - PRESENT DAY
Angie is on the edge of her seat.
ANGIE
What happened after that?
MAVERICK
Well, her father forbade her. What would we do, defy his wishes?
ANGIE
So you just didn't do anything?
MAVERICK
Well, another one of my students won the Big Social Work Cotillion that year, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
ANGIE
Well, what happened after that magical, nostalgia-inspiring summer?
MAVERICK
Well, her father went on to star in Law and Order for a number of years.
ANGIE
No, I meant with you two.
MAVERICK
Oh, I don't know. We got married or something.
CLOSEUP FADES TO wavy transition
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
We met in the summer of 1963. My future wife was vacationing at a summer camp in the Catskills.
wide shot
ANGIE
Wait, did you say 1963?
MAVERICK
Oh, I meant 1987.
ANGIE
1987, are you sure?
MAVERICK
Whatever year is appropriate for the current year, based on my apparent age.
Angie rolls her eyes. Maverick goes back to string off into the distance.
closeup fades to wavy transition
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
Anyway, as I was saying. We met in the summer of 1963. My future wife was vacationing at a summer camp in the Catskills.
ext.resort in the catskills - flashback
The soundtrack and clothing indicate to the audience that this is a "Dirty Dancing" spoof. LISA, Maverick's wife, enters the camp with her family, chewing on a stick of bubblegum. Young Maverick, dressed in a black leotard, is hanging out by the pool, stretching his calves.
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
I was one of the social services instructors at the resort that year.
ANGIE
(v.o.)
Whatever year that was?
MAVERICK
(v.o.)
Right, whatever year that was.
Lisa walks up to Young Maverick and blows a bubble. Young Maverick puts his hands on his hips.
young maverick
Hey, baby. You want to go over in that corner and make out?
INT.ANGIE'S APARTMENT - present day - continuous
Maverick is gesturing at Angie like, "Huh? Huh? Get it?"
ANGIE
What? I don't get what you're doing?
MAVERICK
Go to the corner? Get it? With a girl I just called baby?
Angie shrugs and shakes her head.
MAVERICK
Well, I thought it was clever.
ANGIE
You seem to think lots of things are clever.
EXT.RESORT IN THE CATSKILLS - FLASHBACK - continuous
Maverick and Lisa are making out behind the pool shed. Suddenly she stops and pushes him away.
lisa
Wait a minute, handsome stranger. Who are you?
YOUNG MAVERICK
I'm Maverick, MSW. I teach social services and a little bit of leathercraft here at the resort. But that's not all I plan to ever do.
Young Maverick gestures expansively out at the wide world.
YOUNG MAVERICK
I'm going places, baby.
LISA
Why do you keep calling me that?
YOUNG MAVERICK
Someday I'm going to be a big cog in the social work empire. Someday I'll be king of the social workers, and everybody will listen to what I say: presidents, popes, everybody. And razor-thin funding won't ever be a problem again.
LISA
Oh, you and your dreams, Maverick, MSW! Could you teach me to social work?
Young Maverick takes her arm and moves her into an elegant en pointe ballet position. He runs his fingers along the underside of her arm and armpit.
YOUNG MAVERICK
I can do better than that. I can teach you to...dirty social work.
EXT.RESORT IN THE CATSKILLS - various locations
An appropriate song plays on the soundtrack for a dirty social working MONTAGE.
Lisa carries a watermelon in her arms like it's a baby. Young Maverick jumps in the way and takes her watermelon baby and gives it to another crying vacationer.
They dance in the woods across a log bridge with a bunch of tri-folders in their hands. On the other side of the log bridge they put the folders into a filing cabinet sitting in the mud.
Lisa sits at a pottery wheel. Young Maverick comes up behind her and sensually helps her make a clay vase.
Lisa carries the vase she just made in her arms like it's a baby. Young Maverick jumps in the way and takes her vase baby and gives it to another crying vacationer.
The MONTAGE ENDS
INT.the big social work cotillion - flashback
LISA'S FATHER stands up.
lisa's FATHER
I forbid you to do any more of this...this...dirty social work!
INT.ANGIE'S APARTMENT - PRESENT DAY
Angie is on the edge of her seat.
ANGIE
What happened after that?
MAVERICK
Well, her father forbade her. What would we do, defy his wishes?
ANGIE
So you just didn't do anything?
MAVERICK
Well, another one of my students won the Big Social Work Cotillion that year, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
ANGIE
Well, what happened after that magical, nostalgia-inspiring summer?
MAVERICK
Well, her father went on to star in Law and Order for a number of years.
ANGIE
No, I meant with you two.
MAVERICK
Oh, I don't know. We got married or something.
July 29, 2013
The 2013 Hundie Challenge #62: The Sun, the Moon, and Maybe the Trains
Ooh, this was a fun book. It's too bad I'm ethically prohibited from reviewing this books, because I have some nice things to say about that one. But, since that is the case, let's go ahead and proceed with coming up with a tagline.
THE SUN, THE MOON, AND MAYBE THE TRAINS is like THE TERMINATOR meets LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.
Hey, that was pretty good! I was going to throw a BACK TO THE FUTURE III reference in there, but I wasn't sure I could make it fit.
This book is supposed to be YA, but I never felt like I was reading a kid's book. It felt very mature to me, although I guess that might be me exposing my bias of assuming kids aren't mature. But anyway, I fell deeply, deeply in love with the characters, which is really saying something because I usually care fuck-all about characters and am only interested in a crack-a-lacking plot.
Basically, THE SUN, THE MOON, AND MAYBE THE TRAINS by Rodney Jones is a time travel story but a most UNUSUAL time travel story. John, a kid from 1875 (well, I guess not really a kid by the standards of that time) accidentally stumbles into a portal and find himself in 2009. It's a culture clash of the type you know I probably love due to my ongoing unrequited love affair with LIFE ON MARS (which, not incidentally, I'm watching the unaired U.S. Los Angeles pilot of right now...yeah, that's right, everyone's totally stoked on me.) But back to the book. John is cool but when he meets Tess, a girl from 2009, that's when the book really takes off. These two are just electric right from the get-go (see, that's a funny joke because electricity is only really meaningful in 2009...get it? Get it?)
For the back cover blurb, click here.
Or to read an excerpt check this out.
And, finally, to go the whole hog and buy the book and support one of our great RAP authors, click here.
THE SUN, THE MOON, AND MAYBE THE TRAINS is like THE TERMINATOR meets LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.
Hey, that was pretty good! I was going to throw a BACK TO THE FUTURE III reference in there, but I wasn't sure I could make it fit.
This book is supposed to be YA, but I never felt like I was reading a kid's book. It felt very mature to me, although I guess that might be me exposing my bias of assuming kids aren't mature. But anyway, I fell deeply, deeply in love with the characters, which is really saying something because I usually care fuck-all about characters and am only interested in a crack-a-lacking plot.
Basically, THE SUN, THE MOON, AND MAYBE THE TRAINS by Rodney Jones is a time travel story but a most UNUSUAL time travel story. John, a kid from 1875 (well, I guess not really a kid by the standards of that time) accidentally stumbles into a portal and find himself in 2009. It's a culture clash of the type you know I probably love due to my ongoing unrequited love affair with LIFE ON MARS (which, not incidentally, I'm watching the unaired U.S. Los Angeles pilot of right now...yeah, that's right, everyone's totally stoked on me.) But back to the book. John is cool but when he meets Tess, a girl from 2009, that's when the book really takes off. These two are just electric right from the get-go (see, that's a funny joke because electricity is only really meaningful in 2009...get it? Get it?)
For the back cover blurb, click here.
Or to read an excerpt check this out.
And, finally, to go the whole hog and buy the book and support one of our great RAP authors, click here.
