M. Joseph Murphy's Blog, page 9
October 1, 2013
Celebrating Small Victories: Council of Peacocks Free Oct 2-5 #kindle #freebook
Yesterday I received a wonderful surprise. A wonderful review that made me giddy from someone I didn't know.
Here's a summary of what she said.
"If the reader isn't willing to invest time and pay close attention to details, this probably isn't the tale for you. It is definitely your loss if you don't want to invest that initial bit of patience, because the book is definitely a winner once the pieces start to fall into place.
Joseph Murphy is an author worth watching. Council of Peacocks is an original story in a genre begging for a taste of originality. Murphy writes in a vein similar to the older works of Stephen King. His writing is intense, creative, and imaginative. It has themes of fantasy, horror, mystery, and romance all commingled in a delightful smorgasbord of literary genius."
For the full review click here: Review by Michelle S. Willms Sept 26, 2013
OR View the review on her blog
Who I envision playing Wisdom in the movie version of Council of PeacocksTo celebrate this awesome review and the end of enrollment in KDP Select, I'm making Council of Peacocks free for the rest of this week, from Oct 2-5.If you've ever considered getting Council of Peacocks, now's the time. Grab a copy and, if you're so inclined, let me know what you think about it. Here's a sample of what others have said.
BLURBS
Its X-MEN meets CLASH OF THE TITANS directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Travis Luedke,
author of the Nightlife SeriesI can't wait for the next in the series Drako , author of the Dragon Hunter Series
I found this book incredibly enjoyable, and having already read through it twice, I am still finding new areas to enjoy. In absolute honesty, I cannot wait for the second book to be released.Louis K Writer, Blogger at Words of Wisdom
The Council of Peacocks has it all, epic battles, conspiracy theories, romance, and a great story line. The first page will suck you into a complex and unpredictable, page-turning plot. Tiffany Huson
For more reviews check out Council of Peacocks on Goodreads.
Lastly, a huge thank you to everyone who has read and enjoyed the book. It means more to me than you'll ever know.
Joseph Murphy
Oct 1, 2013
September 12, 2013
A Fallen Hero Rises - My Second Novel is Ready for Beta Reading
Today I finished the "last" of my revisions on my second novel, A Fallen Hero Rises. Last is in quotations because I know there's lots of work ahead but there's nothing else I can do to improve it.
What it needs now is fresh eyes. So it's off to beta readers. After that, more revisions. After those revisions are made, it's off to an editor and a proofreader (two very different things).
This is the second book I've completed in less than a year. And I'm well on my way with my third book (the sequel to Council of Peacocks). My writing process is getting much faster, more efficient. There is no better way to improve your creativity than to keep creating.
I also have to work on the synopsis of A Fallen Hero Rises. In some ways, that's the most annoying part of the writing process. Trying to summarize an entire books in a few paragraphs does not come naturally to me.So, what you'll see below is my first attempt. I'm sure it will be updated.
SYNOPSIS - A FALLEN HERO RISESTadgh Dooley wakes up on the planet Maghe Sihre with no memory of how he got there. He’s wounded, near death, in the care of a monastic group called the Brotherhood of Tyche. But he has more than that to worry about. The way he came to Maghe Sihre created a crack in an interdimensional prison called the Void. And something fell out of the Void: a powerful artifact called The Sword of Kassandra.
Tadgh is also more powerful than he suspects. He is Fod Sel-Onde, born with the ability to warp the fabric of reality. Every time he uses his ability, the Void cracks open further. If it cracks too much, the prisoners will slip out. The results could be catastrophic.
Can Tadgh gain control over his power before it's too late? And what does the appearance of the Sword of Kassandra mean for the people of Maghe Sihre?
A Fallen Hero Rises is written for high school age and above. Tadgh is gay. I mention that only because I know some people have issues. This is not a gay novel. It's a fantasy novel in which one of the characters just so happens to be gay.
Why did I include a gay character? My first thought is: that's a stupid question. Gay people exist in the real world. Why shouldn't they exist in fiction. Then I calm down and say he needs to be gay because it's important for the story I need to tell.
To quote one of my heroes, Jane Espenson:
September 10, 2013
Review: Deadly Election by Arthur Crandon is a Strong, Believable Novel
Deadly Election by Arthur CrandonMy rating: 4 of 5 stars
This is a perfect example of how a good rewrite can greatly improve a book.
I received this book free in exchange for an honest review. The first time through, however, I noticed very significant grammar errors and weaknesses in the plot. I informed the author of my concerns. To his credit, he said he'd heard similar critiques from others. He let me know he was in contact with an editor and would be reworking the novel.I told him I would reserve my review until after reading the new edition.
I'm glad I did.
SYNOPSIS FROM GOODREADSThree young and innocent youths awake one day in their remote village in the Northern Philippines. They could not know that the events of the day would change their lives, more than that - it would end their lives.
The day started well – breakfast, preparing for a fishing trip, the anticipation of an exciting day out – maybe with a good meal at the end of it. Along the way, they find a fortune - enough to keep them all in riches for many lifetimes. Their naive misjudgments bring about their downfall – and start a chain of events that will change the course of history for the small South East Asian nation.
Within days, more lives will be lost and fortunes will change hands. A chain of consequences has been started which will spread like a spiders web and end in tragedy for many and triumph for a few
WHY IT WORKSDeadly Election, in its current form, is a strong novel. It is based on real events and reads like non-fiction. That means it is very believable.
In the rewrite, the character of Chloe was greatly enhanced. She gives us a very human and relatively untainted view of this crime-filled, seedy world.
A word of caution: this is a very adult novel. There are graphic depictions of violence and violations.
IN CONCLUSIONI feel very privileged to have seen the novel in both iterations. If Arthur Crandon continues to grow like this, we can expect very good things from him in the future.
View all my reviews
Links:
Arthur Crandon on Twitter
Buy Deadly Election on Amazon
Review Black Hull - How to Completely Ruin a Book with Bad Dialogue
Black Hull by Joseph A. TurkotMy rating: 1 of 5 stars
I was given this book in exchange for an honest review. I really wanted to like it. The cover was amazing. The book blurb about a man stuck on a ship being sucked into a black hole was fascinating.
Unfortunately, the book has almost nothing to do with the book blurb. That interesting lead in takes up less than a chapter before the book unravels in a random series of encounters that lead nowhere.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE ITMy main critique of Black Hull is how it deals with dialogue. Many chapters have large, extended sections without a line of exposition, description, or dialogue markers. They are all dialogue. Not even a “he said”. This makes it very difficult for the reader to follow who is saying what. It also left me very unattached to the characters because it was difficult to create a visual image of them or the action.
For example:
Chapter 17
“At the T-Jump?”
“Yup.”
“How long?”
“Couple of days.”
“And how long after until you’ll reach Utopia?”
“I don’t know. Could be a month. I’ve got to stop off to do dad’s transfer.”
“Who’ll do that?”
“Cheapest? A droid on the West Rail Sector.”
This section goes on like this for several pages. What it’s missing is something to help the reader get a clear visual of who is saying what and what are they doing as they say it. Writers need to create a mental movie in the mind of the reader. This book fails to do that.
On a formatting note, there was no table of contents. This is a very helpful feature in ebooks and is an easy fix the author should consider.
IN CONCLUSIONI really wanted to like this book. Unfortunately, it would need a massive rewrite before I could give it anything but a one star.
View all my reviews
September 5, 2013
Ramping Up Tension - What I Learned from The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
RAMPING UP TENSIONI love thrillers. In preparing for a rewrite on my upcoming novel Beyond the Black Sea I'm surrounding myself with action packed mysteries. I've watched the first 2 seasons of Homeland and the first 6 seasons of 24. Most recently, I finished reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. I want to learn the best (and the worst) ways to increase the "page turner" aspect of fiction.
WHAT WORKS IN THE LOST SYMBOLThe entire first act is wonderful. One of the easiest ways to increase tension is to deal with deadlines. Dan Brown does in books what 24 does on television: everything happens in one day. The reader feels like he or she is racing against the clock. There's also a real sense that if the hero doesn't move quickly enough there will be dire consequences.
This is very different than the sprawling epic fantasies of Tolkien, Jordan and Sanderson. Those stories take place over several weeks or several months in dozens of different locations. A thriller limits time and location.
Another easy way to ramp up tension is careful placement of your pauses. Breaking your chapters during the middle of action forces the reader to move on to the next chapter. If you make the end of each chapter a mini cliffhanger, the reader is pushed forward. Be cautious, however. Do this too often and you will exhaust the reader. Everyone needs a break once in a while.
What is a CliffhangerLINK: Examples of Effective Cliffhangers
Another thing that works is the character of Robert Langdon. He is instantly likable. There are easy ways to make the reader like and relate to your character. One is making them very good at their job. Another is making them the victim of undeserved persecution. Dan Brown does both with Langdon. The CIA character Sato is completely unreasonable and it out to get Langdon. This makes us hate her and cheer on Langdon. We want him to get away from her but Dan Brown doesn't make it easy.
The same thing happens in 24. Jack Bauer is likable because he has the worst luck on the planet. The poor guy just can't catch a break. He's the best there is at what he does but the universe seems out to get him.
Jack Bauer from 24WHAT DOESN'T WORK IN THE LOST SYMBOLA few weeks ago I did one of those online surveys to determine which famous writer my prose is most like. It said I wrote like Dan Brown. I loved his first two books but never got around to the last two. I decided to check them out.
When I did, I realized I really DID write like Dan Brown. That includes all the things my editors and beta readers disliked were. The Lost Symbol switches POVs constantly, sometimes in the middle of a scene. It reads like a novelization of a movie focusing more on the "scene" than characters. It helped me realize the downside of constantly changing POVs. I really didn't care about any of the characters. We never spend enough time with them to become interested. The only important thing is the story...which is a big no-no. I want to write character driven stories.
The ending was also a little flat. The big "reveal" of Mal'akh was a yawn. It was too obvious 1/2 way through the book who he was. If you want a believable, tense mystery you can't beat people over the head with sledgehammer-like clues. Even worse, when I learned the "secret" Mal'akh has been searching for I wanted to throw my book. It was a complete let down after a very strong start.
WHAT I LEARNEDTo ramp up the tension, use carefully placed breaks in the action. End chapters on small cliffhangers to push the reader forward.
Limit your scope. Keep time, location, and POVs limited to increase the sense of claustrophobia and intensity. Make your characters likable by making them good at what they do. Then put them in a situation in which they are unfairly treated, persecuted, or surround them with ever-increasing danger.
LINKS:Three Key Questions to Ramp Up Your Story’s MojoWriting Tips - 3 Ways to Ramp Up the Tension in Your WritingTranscripts - Writing Excuses 8.15: Narrative Rhythm (Transcript) which discusses Dan Brown
August 15, 2013
Review: The Nightlife: Paris & Why I Literally Screamed at the End
Synopsis (From Amazon)Vampire master Michelle, and her slave, Aaron Pilan, leave the heartbreak of Vegas for a new start in Paris. Aaron’s mistakes in Vegas make him question everything he knows about Michelle, and the prospect of a long, lonely future with her.
Michelle answers his demands by opening her heart and soul to him. Their minds intertwine and Aaron relives her dark, gritty tale of survival in the ravages of war-torn Paris under the German occupation.
But they are not alone in Paris. An investigator has shadowed them from Vegas, seeking the unique gifts of Michelle’s blood. He hunts the vampires, attacking them at their most vulnerable time. Michelle and Aaron face death and worse – separation.
The GoodThe Nightlife: Paris is the third book in a series focused on vampires Aaron Pilan and Michelle. It is, by far, the best written of the series. I thoroughly enjoyed the first two books. The third blew my mind.
It grabbed me from the first page. However, makes The Nightlife: Paris so engaging is the reveal of Michelle's back story. Luedke changes Point of View to first person. We see the world through Michelle's eyes as she meets the monster who turns her into a vampire. Her past mixes brutality and hope, violation and eroticism. We see Michelle's humanity and monstrosity. We pity her, cheer for her, and scream at her for bad decisions.
Hyperbole drives me mental. I hate reading reviews like "Best book ever written" and "Just as Good as Tolkien." I don't believe them. However, I realized halfway through The Nightlife: Paris that this was indeed one of the best written vampire books I've ever read . I have no problem putting it side by side with Interview with a Vampire and I Am Legend. It truly is that good.
See Also: Review of Nightlife: New York and Nightlife: Las VegasThe BadWhen I finished reading The Nightlife: Paris I LITERALLY screamed. I was having so much fun with the book I couldn't believe it was over. The new book is scheduled for release in September. That's too far away for my liking.
ConclusionBuy this book and read it. Buy it now.
Links:Buy The Nightlife: Paris on Amazon.ca or Amazon.com
The Nightlife: Paris on Goodreads
Travis Luedke on Smashwords
The Nightlife: Paris on the Sony Reader Store
The Nightlife: Paris on iTunes
The Nightlife Official Blog
August 6, 2013
Writers and Mental Illness
For the past week my OCD has been completely out of control.
There are many sorts of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mine, thankfully, is not focused on germs. I'm an organizer. I'm compelled to refold everything in the linen closet, straighten the fridge, recategorize my music collection, or alphabetize my library.
Once I start an activity, any activity, it is almost impossible for me to stop. This is wonderful when that activity is writing or editing. But last week I had nothing to focus on.
Megan Fox Reportedly Suffers from OCD10 Celebrities Who Suffer from OCDWithout the "distraction" is writing, my compulsive behavior is focused on everything else. I spent 10 hours working in Photoshop on a map for my next novel. Ten hours without so much as a washroom break. My hand seized several times. In fact, my muscles are still sore from it days later. The crazy reason why I didn't stop: a little voice in my head kept saying:
"What if you died tonight? You can't leave this unfinished just in case."
I knew it was stupid. Completely irrational. I argued with my craziness saying "Stop after the water features are done." Then it got worse.
I turned to Netflix. I started Season 2 of the series 24 at 8:00 p.m. I didn't stop until 10:00 a.m. the next morning. I probably wouldn't have stopped then but my fiance gave me a look...so I napped for a few hours.
Compulsion isn't always a bad thing. Most of the time it actually works in my favor. I keep working on things long after everyone else would have stopped. It makes me a great employee and a very dedicated writer. I can spend hours writing or editing to get a scene just right. As long as I have a goal my compulsion doesn't get in the way of a normal, healthy life. Most of the time.
Dan Wells - Contributor to Writing ExcusesA few months ago I listened to a great podcast, Writing Excuses 8.8: Writing and Personal Health. All of the writers discussed their mental health issues. It helped me realize I wasn't alone. So what can I do about it? I refuse to take drugs to solve this type of problem. I think society in general is too over-drugged. I'm more in favor of cognitive retraining which is why I'm writing this post.
A few days ago I listened to a song on the radio: Who Can it Be Now by Men at Work. It got me really thinking about mental health. I come from a creative family who also have history of mental illness. My mother had paranoid delusions and frequently suffered from hallucinations. My father was diagnosed as bipolar with sociopathic tendencies years ago but, as far as I know, has never taken medication.
Maybe acknowledging and sharing my unhealthy behavior will help alleviate it.
Links:
List of Famous Authors with Mental Illness
Creativity 'closely entwined with mental illness'
Women Writers and their Mental Health
Writers Have Higher Risk of Mental Illness: Study
Dan Wells on Depression
July 31, 2013
Writing about Rape and the Indie Writer
Speak by Laurie Halse AndersonA few days ago I finished reading Deadly Election by Arthur Crandon. The prologue features a very violent rape that left me unsettled. While it did set the tone for the rest of the book, it didn't feel necessary. The scene takes place during the Japanese occupation of the Philippines. Though historically correct, it adds nothing to character development. None of the characters mentioned in the scene ever appear again. All it did was create a very icky feeling.
Deadly Election by Arthur CrandonOf course, this is how we should feel about rape. But should we be writing about it?Another book I read this year, Mythology by Helen Boswell, deals with rape in a completely different way. The main character is a survivor of date rape. It is a key reason for her entire demeanor. While it's not a story about rape, the act completely changed the character and impacts her story arch. Mythology's target market is young adult and I couldn't help but feel the whole rape back story would be gutted if she published through one of the big publishing houses.
Who wants our teenagers to read about rape?
Judy Blume has led protests against a call to censor Laurie Halse Anderson's novel Speak
But they should be reading about it. Because it happens. And maybe seeing character who is real and flawed and still in love with life after being violated will help other victims. Actually I shouldn't use that word. It has a bad connotation. In mythology, Hope is not a victim. A horrible thing happened to her but she does not let it destroy her. She doesn't begin a series of revenge murders. She struggles to get back to real life. When she has a chance to violently punish the rapist she chooses differently. She decides that she will not be defined by the actions of another.
NOTE: There's an entire sub-genre of movies about rape and revenge
My first book, Council of Peacocks, had a rape scene until a few drafts ago. One of my beta readers, Charles Ekeke, told me it made a certain character completely unlikable. That character is immortal and it happened over a thousand years ago but it was unforgivable. It was also not relevant. It felt gratuitous. Cheap, actually. So I took it out.
Reading Deadly Election and Mythology helped me realize something very important. Independently published writers have no real filters. We can write about anything. No one is telling us we can't do something. So why not pick something meaning, a story no one else is brave enough to tell?
Mythology by Helen BoswellMy next book, A Fallen Hero Rises, features Tadgh Dooley: a high school student who is also the victim of gay bashing. He and his boyfriend are attacked by classmates. Tadgh is hospitalized and his boyfriend is murdered. Unfortunately for the attackers, Tadgh has superpowers and uses them to take revenge.
I realized that was too one-dimensional so I went further. The book takes place after the assault and after the revenge. It's more about Tadgh dealing with what he allowed himself to become because of his anger and loss. And, because it's an epic fantasy set on an alien world, there is also magic, zombies and dragons.
Conclusion
As independent writers, we can write about anything we want to write about. However, we should think long and hard about what we're trying to say. Just because you can write about it doesn't mean you should. Trivializing rape serves no purpose and helps no one. We should strive for something better.
Links:
Buy Mythology by Helen Boswell
Buy Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
Taboos and Tropes: Writing About Rape
Writing About Rape by Jim C. Hines
July 24, 2013
This One Time an Idiot Editor Criticized My Book Review
I could also title this: Why Not to Hire Kimberly Reickmann To Edit My Book.
Kimberly RieckmannA few months ago I put up a post called Have We Become Too Nice? I had finished a book by a fellow indie write. Well, by finished I mean gave up on. I'd spoken to the author several times about the problems in the book. He contacted and hired an editor to help fix the book and gave me another copy.
It was better but still completely unreadable. I then sent a private email to the author telling him my concerns. Here's what I sent (May 29th)
I read through the new edition. I did get further. However, there are still some very serious problems with this edit.
1) No chapter breaks. You need to put in something every 10-20 pages showing "end scene". Right now you are using "***" for that. But it all seems like one, very long chapter. There are 117 pages and only 3 chapters.
2) Capitalization. When Wenzo speaks you do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence. It was jarring but I assumed it was just meant to show he had a small voice. However, you also do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence when the troll speaks. That's kind of when I gave up reading any further.
3) Characters. You have too many characters introduced too quickly. I lost track of who was who. This is something editors and beta readers gave me heck for. Too many Points of View (POV). I would recommend focusing solely on one of two characters. If it was my choice, I'd focus only on Valus.
4) Pacing. Too much happens too quickly. Take your time. You know you took out some of the worldbuilding. Replace it with more character interaction (e.g. banter) and scene descriptions.
5) Grammar. There are far too many grammar errors. I know you hired an editor. Whoever you had go through this did you a grave disservice. If you paid them, they basically robbed you. Just a few examples:
pg 1 "The blow was deadly, and they both knew it" - there should be no comma.
pg. 2 "Each of the three major races, men, elves, and dwarves, sent their best warriors, sorcerors, clerics, druids, and trackers to teach them for an undetermined length of time." - should be "Each of the three major races - men, elves, and dwarves - sent..."
pg. 4 "Master! Master!" came the frantic cry resounding loudly off the cold stonewalls of the corridor. - Should be "Master! Master!" The frantic cry resounded loudly off the cold stone walls. Anything after a ! needs to be a new sentence.
pg. 4 "You must come with me Master, something terrible hast happened last night," the words seemed as if they came from a frightened child, even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid. - Most of these commas should be periods. "You must come with me Master. Something terrible happened last night." The words seemed as if they came from a frightened child. Even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid.(avoid hast. It's archaic unless you want do all dialogue in Shakespearean English...which I don't recommend)Also this is contradictory: either he is a frightened child or his composure is solid. Not both.
pg. 5 "To where? To where must I go young one?" - "Where should I go, young one." or if you want Shakespearean it would be "Whither must I go, young one." Again, I don't recommend old style English. It will alienate most readers.
pg. 7 "Who was on guard last night?" the question was quizzical, but also filled with anger. - Should be "Who was on guard last night?" The question was quizzical but also filled with anger. The T needs to be capitalized and there should be no comma.
6) Telling instead of Showing. You can solve this a few ways. Instead of long periods of exposition, have characters talking. Or have characters read information from a book. Or have teachers grill students as if in history class. For example:pg. 5 "The great weaponsmiths (not this should be one word, not two) forged the Phoenix Blade sixty years earlier for use against Mashu and his armies." This is what they mean by "telling". It sounds like something out of a history book. Try:"I knew the men that forged this," Valus said. "They were the greatest weaponsmiths of their time. Do you remember why it was forged?""Of course Master," the student replied. "It was used against Mashu and his armies in....(then you can add in as much world building as you want and most editors will find it acceptable.
Suggestions:Try to keep your sentences short. When I teach composition classes, I tell my students to try and keep sentences under 20 words long. Any longer and you risk the reading not comprehending the meaning of the sentence. Each sentence should have only one main idea. Using the example from above, a stronger composition would be "There were three major races - men, elves and dwarves. Each sent their finest to teach at the school. Sorcerers, clerics, druids and trackers arrived and remained for an indeterminate time.
A book that really helped me flush out characters and "showing" was The Emotion Thesaurus http://www.amazon.com/Emotion-Thesaurus-Writers-Character-Expression/dp/1475004958. You state which emotion you want to show and it has dozens of suggestions for what your characters can do to show the emotion.
To give you an idea of how much time I spend editing, my novel Council of Peacocks is on currently out with the 3rd group of beta readers. That is after 7 rounds of edits. The last time I edited I averaged 1 hour per page, spending 5-10 hours a day editing for nearly 2 months. ***
I'm sorry I can't give a better review. I wish I had time to offer a full line edit but I'm completely swamped right now. I understand if you want to choose to ignore everything I've said. If you are happy with the amount of sales you're generating do nothing different. However, if you want to increase your sales you will need to spend significant time reworking this novel.
I did not get a response. I waited several weeks and then, with no further communication, I posted my review on Amazon and Goodreads. My review was as kind as I could be.
And then today I received this incredibly unprofessional response from Kimberly Rieckmann who just so happens to be the editor of this piece. Here's what she had to say:
I thought about just letting it go I think I've been kind enough. Here was my response.
To be clear, I'm not blaming the writer on this one. I think the fault lies very much with the editor. If you are going to call yourself an editor and charge for it you should at least understand basic grammar rules. That's not even editing; it's simply proofreading which Kimberly Rieckmann did not do either. To follow that up with criticizing an honest review is unprofessional and just ridiculous.
To conclude: Do not hire Kimberly Rieckmann for her editing. Her website is here (Kim's Editing Services) if you want to check her out. But I wouldn't.
P.S.
The editor has since removed her posts from Amazon, probably because I sent an email to the author suggesting he speak with her.
Kimberly RieckmannA few months ago I put up a post called Have We Become Too Nice? I had finished a book by a fellow indie write. Well, by finished I mean gave up on. I'd spoken to the author several times about the problems in the book. He contacted and hired an editor to help fix the book and gave me another copy.It was better but still completely unreadable. I then sent a private email to the author telling him my concerns. Here's what I sent (May 29th)
I read through the new edition. I did get further. However, there are still some very serious problems with this edit.
1) No chapter breaks. You need to put in something every 10-20 pages showing "end scene". Right now you are using "***" for that. But it all seems like one, very long chapter. There are 117 pages and only 3 chapters.
2) Capitalization. When Wenzo speaks you do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence. It was jarring but I assumed it was just meant to show he had a small voice. However, you also do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence when the troll speaks. That's kind of when I gave up reading any further.
3) Characters. You have too many characters introduced too quickly. I lost track of who was who. This is something editors and beta readers gave me heck for. Too many Points of View (POV). I would recommend focusing solely on one of two characters. If it was my choice, I'd focus only on Valus.
4) Pacing. Too much happens too quickly. Take your time. You know you took out some of the worldbuilding. Replace it with more character interaction (e.g. banter) and scene descriptions.
5) Grammar. There are far too many grammar errors. I know you hired an editor. Whoever you had go through this did you a grave disservice. If you paid them, they basically robbed you. Just a few examples:
pg 1 "The blow was deadly, and they both knew it" - there should be no comma.
pg. 2 "Each of the three major races, men, elves, and dwarves, sent their best warriors, sorcerors, clerics, druids, and trackers to teach them for an undetermined length of time." - should be "Each of the three major races - men, elves, and dwarves - sent..."
pg. 4 "Master! Master!" came the frantic cry resounding loudly off the cold stonewalls of the corridor. - Should be "Master! Master!" The frantic cry resounded loudly off the cold stone walls. Anything after a ! needs to be a new sentence.
pg. 4 "You must come with me Master, something terrible hast happened last night," the words seemed as if they came from a frightened child, even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid. - Most of these commas should be periods. "You must come with me Master. Something terrible happened last night." The words seemed as if they came from a frightened child. Even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid.(avoid hast. It's archaic unless you want do all dialogue in Shakespearean English...which I don't recommend)Also this is contradictory: either he is a frightened child or his composure is solid. Not both.
pg. 5 "To where? To where must I go young one?" - "Where should I go, young one." or if you want Shakespearean it would be "Whither must I go, young one." Again, I don't recommend old style English. It will alienate most readers.
pg. 7 "Who was on guard last night?" the question was quizzical, but also filled with anger. - Should be "Who was on guard last night?" The question was quizzical but also filled with anger. The T needs to be capitalized and there should be no comma.
6) Telling instead of Showing. You can solve this a few ways. Instead of long periods of exposition, have characters talking. Or have characters read information from a book. Or have teachers grill students as if in history class. For example:pg. 5 "The great weaponsmiths (not this should be one word, not two) forged the Phoenix Blade sixty years earlier for use against Mashu and his armies." This is what they mean by "telling". It sounds like something out of a history book. Try:"I knew the men that forged this," Valus said. "They were the greatest weaponsmiths of their time. Do you remember why it was forged?""Of course Master," the student replied. "It was used against Mashu and his armies in....(then you can add in as much world building as you want and most editors will find it acceptable.
Suggestions:Try to keep your sentences short. When I teach composition classes, I tell my students to try and keep sentences under 20 words long. Any longer and you risk the reading not comprehending the meaning of the sentence. Each sentence should have only one main idea. Using the example from above, a stronger composition would be "There were three major races - men, elves and dwarves. Each sent their finest to teach at the school. Sorcerers, clerics, druids and trackers arrived and remained for an indeterminate time.
A book that really helped me flush out characters and "showing" was The Emotion Thesaurus http://www.amazon.com/Emotion-Thesaurus-Writers-Character-Expression/dp/1475004958. You state which emotion you want to show and it has dozens of suggestions for what your characters can do to show the emotion.
To give you an idea of how much time I spend editing, my novel Council of Peacocks is on currently out with the 3rd group of beta readers. That is after 7 rounds of edits. The last time I edited I averaged 1 hour per page, spending 5-10 hours a day editing for nearly 2 months. ***
I'm sorry I can't give a better review. I wish I had time to offer a full line edit but I'm completely swamped right now. I understand if you want to choose to ignore everything I've said. If you are happy with the amount of sales you're generating do nothing different. However, if you want to increase your sales you will need to spend significant time reworking this novel.
I did not get a response. I waited several weeks and then, with no further communication, I posted my review on Amazon and Goodreads. My review was as kind as I could be.
And then today I received this incredibly unprofessional response from Kimberly Rieckmann who just so happens to be the editor of this piece. Here's what she had to say:
I thought about just letting it go I think I've been kind enough. Here was my response.
To be clear, I'm not blaming the writer on this one. I think the fault lies very much with the editor. If you are going to call yourself an editor and charge for it you should at least understand basic grammar rules. That's not even editing; it's simply proofreading which Kimberly Rieckmann did not do either. To follow that up with criticizing an honest review is unprofessional and just ridiculous.
To conclude: Do not hire Kimberly Rieckmann for her editing. Her website is here (Kim's Editing Services) if you want to check her out. But I wouldn't.
P.S.
The editor has since removed her posts from Amazon, probably because I sent an email to the author suggesting he speak with her.
This Time an Idiot Editor Criticized My Book Review
I could also title this: Why Not to Hire Kimberly Reickmann To Edit My Book.
Kimberly RieckmannA few months ago I put up a post called Have We Become Too Nice? I had finished a book by a fellow indie write. Well, by finished I mean gave up on. I'd spoken to the author several times about the problems in the book. He contacted and hired an editor to help fix the book and gave me another copy.
It was better but still completely unreadable. I then sent a private email to the author telling him my concerns. Here's what I sent (May 29th)
I read through the new edition. I did get further. However, there are still some very serious problems with this edit.
1) No chapter breaks. You need to put in something every 10-20 pages showing "end scene". Right now you are using "***" for that. But it all seems like one, very long chapter. There are 117 pages and only 3 chapters.
2) Capitalization. When Wenzo speaks you do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence. It was jarring but I assumed it was just meant to show he had a small voice. However, you also do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence when the troll speaks. That's kind of when I gave up reading any further.
3) Characters. You have too many characters introduced too quickly. I lost track of who was who. This is something editors and beta readers gave me heck for. Too many Points of View (POV). I would recommend focusing solely on one of two characters. If it was my choice, I'd focus only on Valus.
4) Pacing. Too much happens too quickly. Take your time. You know you took out some of the worldbuilding. Replace it with more character interaction (e.g. banter) and scene descriptions.
5) Grammar. There are far too many grammar errors. I know you hired an editor. Whoever you had go through this did you a grave disservice. If you paid them, they basically robbed you. Just a few examples:
pg 1 "The blow was deadly, and they both knew it" - there should be no comma.
pg. 2 "Each of the three major races, men, elves, and dwarves, sent their best warriors, sorcerors, clerics, druids, and trackers to teach them for an undetermined length of time." - should be "Each of the three major races - men, elves, and dwarves - sent..."
pg. 4 "Master! Master!" came the frantic cry resounding loudly off the cold stonewalls of the corridor. - Should be "Master! Master!" The frantic cry resounded loudly off the cold stone walls. Anything after a ! needs to be a new sentence.
pg. 4 "You must come with me Master, something terrible hast happened last night," the words seemed as if they came from a frightened child, even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid. - Most of these commas should be periods. "You must come with me Master. Something terrible happened last night." The words seemed as if they came from a frightened child. Even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid.(avoid hast. It's archaic unless you want do all dialogue in Shakespearean English...which I don't recommend)Also this is contradictory: either he is a frightened child or his composure is solid. Not both.
pg. 5 "To where? To where must I go young one?" - "Where should I go, young one." or if you want Shakespearean it would be "Whither must I go, young one." Again, I don't recommend old style English. It will alienate most readers.
pg. 7 "Who was on guard last night?" the question was quizzical, but also filled with anger. - Should be "Who was on guard last night?" The question was quizzical but also filled with anger. The T needs to be capitalized and there should be no comma.
6) Telling instead of Showing. You can solve this a few ways. Instead of long periods of exposition, have characters talking. Or have characters read information from a book. Or have teachers grill students as if in history class. For example:pg. 5 "The great weaponsmiths (not this should be one word, not two) forged the Phoenix Blade sixty years earlier for use against Mashu and his armies." This is what they mean by "telling". It sounds like something out of a history book. Try:"I knew the men that forged this," Valus said. "They were the greatest weaponsmiths of their time. Do you remember why it was forged?""Of course Master," the student replied. "It was used against Mashu and his armies in....(then you can add in as much world building as you want and most editors will find it acceptable.
Suggestions:Try to keep your sentences short. When I teach composition classes, I tell my students to try and keep sentences under 20 words long. Any longer and you risk the reading not comprehending the meaning of the sentence. Each sentence should have only one main idea. Using the example from above, a stronger composition would be "There were three major races - men, elves and dwarves. Each sent their finest to teach at the school. Sorcerers, clerics, druids and trackers arrived and remained for an indeterminate time.
A book that really helped me flush out characters and "showing" was The Emotion Thesaurus http://www.amazon.com/Emotion-Thesaurus-Writers-Character-Expression/dp/1475004958. You state which emotion you want to show and it has dozens of suggestions for what your characters can do to show the emotion.
To give you an idea of how much time I spend editing, my novel Council of Peacocks is on currently out with the 3rd group of beta readers. That is after 7 rounds of edits. The last time I edited I averaged 1 hour per page, spending 5-10 hours a day editing for nearly 2 months. ***
I'm sorry I can't give a better review. I wish I had time to offer a full line edit but I'm completely swamped right now. I understand if you want to choose to ignore everything I've said. If you are happy with the amount of sales you're generating do nothing different. However, if you want to increase your sales you will need to spend significant time reworking this novel.
I did not get a response. I waited several weeks and then, with no further communication, I posted my review on Amazon and Goodreads. My review was as kind as I could be.
And then today I received this incredibly unprofessional response from Kimberly Rieckmann who just so happens to be the editor of this piece. Here's what she had to say:
I thought about just letting it go I think I've been kind enough. Here was my response.
To be clear, I'm not blaming the writer on this one. I think the fault lies very much with the editor. If you are going to call yourself an editor and charge for it you should at least understand basic grammar rules. That's not even editing; it's simply proofreading which Kimberly Rieckmann did not do either. To follow that up with criticizing an honest review is unprofessional and just ridiculous.
To conclude: Do not hire Kimberly Rieckmann for her editing. Her website is here (Kim's Editing Services) if you want to check her out. But I wouldn't.
P.S.
The editor has since removed her posts from Amazon, probably because I sent an email to the author suggesting he speak with her.
Kimberly RieckmannA few months ago I put up a post called Have We Become Too Nice? I had finished a book by a fellow indie write. Well, by finished I mean gave up on. I'd spoken to the author several times about the problems in the book. He contacted and hired an editor to help fix the book and gave me another copy.It was better but still completely unreadable. I then sent a private email to the author telling him my concerns. Here's what I sent (May 29th)
I read through the new edition. I did get further. However, there are still some very serious problems with this edit.
1) No chapter breaks. You need to put in something every 10-20 pages showing "end scene". Right now you are using "***" for that. But it all seems like one, very long chapter. There are 117 pages and only 3 chapters.
2) Capitalization. When Wenzo speaks you do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence. It was jarring but I assumed it was just meant to show he had a small voice. However, you also do not capitalize the first letter of the sentence when the troll speaks. That's kind of when I gave up reading any further.
3) Characters. You have too many characters introduced too quickly. I lost track of who was who. This is something editors and beta readers gave me heck for. Too many Points of View (POV). I would recommend focusing solely on one of two characters. If it was my choice, I'd focus only on Valus.
4) Pacing. Too much happens too quickly. Take your time. You know you took out some of the worldbuilding. Replace it with more character interaction (e.g. banter) and scene descriptions.
5) Grammar. There are far too many grammar errors. I know you hired an editor. Whoever you had go through this did you a grave disservice. If you paid them, they basically robbed you. Just a few examples:
pg 1 "The blow was deadly, and they both knew it" - there should be no comma.
pg. 2 "Each of the three major races, men, elves, and dwarves, sent their best warriors, sorcerors, clerics, druids, and trackers to teach them for an undetermined length of time." - should be "Each of the three major races - men, elves, and dwarves - sent..."
pg. 4 "Master! Master!" came the frantic cry resounding loudly off the cold stonewalls of the corridor. - Should be "Master! Master!" The frantic cry resounded loudly off the cold stone walls. Anything after a ! needs to be a new sentence.
pg. 4 "You must come with me Master, something terrible hast happened last night," the words seemed as if they came from a frightened child, even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid. - Most of these commas should be periods. "You must come with me Master. Something terrible happened last night." The words seemed as if they came from a frightened child. Even though the dwarf was in his second year of training, his composure was solid.(avoid hast. It's archaic unless you want do all dialogue in Shakespearean English...which I don't recommend)Also this is contradictory: either he is a frightened child or his composure is solid. Not both.
pg. 5 "To where? To where must I go young one?" - "Where should I go, young one." or if you want Shakespearean it would be "Whither must I go, young one." Again, I don't recommend old style English. It will alienate most readers.
pg. 7 "Who was on guard last night?" the question was quizzical, but also filled with anger. - Should be "Who was on guard last night?" The question was quizzical but also filled with anger. The T needs to be capitalized and there should be no comma.
6) Telling instead of Showing. You can solve this a few ways. Instead of long periods of exposition, have characters talking. Or have characters read information from a book. Or have teachers grill students as if in history class. For example:pg. 5 "The great weaponsmiths (not this should be one word, not two) forged the Phoenix Blade sixty years earlier for use against Mashu and his armies." This is what they mean by "telling". It sounds like something out of a history book. Try:"I knew the men that forged this," Valus said. "They were the greatest weaponsmiths of their time. Do you remember why it was forged?""Of course Master," the student replied. "It was used against Mashu and his armies in....(then you can add in as much world building as you want and most editors will find it acceptable.
Suggestions:Try to keep your sentences short. When I teach composition classes, I tell my students to try and keep sentences under 20 words long. Any longer and you risk the reading not comprehending the meaning of the sentence. Each sentence should have only one main idea. Using the example from above, a stronger composition would be "There were three major races - men, elves and dwarves. Each sent their finest to teach at the school. Sorcerers, clerics, druids and trackers arrived and remained for an indeterminate time.
A book that really helped me flush out characters and "showing" was The Emotion Thesaurus http://www.amazon.com/Emotion-Thesaurus-Writers-Character-Expression/dp/1475004958. You state which emotion you want to show and it has dozens of suggestions for what your characters can do to show the emotion.
To give you an idea of how much time I spend editing, my novel Council of Peacocks is on currently out with the 3rd group of beta readers. That is after 7 rounds of edits. The last time I edited I averaged 1 hour per page, spending 5-10 hours a day editing for nearly 2 months. ***
I'm sorry I can't give a better review. I wish I had time to offer a full line edit but I'm completely swamped right now. I understand if you want to choose to ignore everything I've said. If you are happy with the amount of sales you're generating do nothing different. However, if you want to increase your sales you will need to spend significant time reworking this novel.
I did not get a response. I waited several weeks and then, with no further communication, I posted my review on Amazon and Goodreads. My review was as kind as I could be.
And then today I received this incredibly unprofessional response from Kimberly Rieckmann who just so happens to be the editor of this piece. Here's what she had to say:
I thought about just letting it go I think I've been kind enough. Here was my response.
To be clear, I'm not blaming the writer on this one. I think the fault lies very much with the editor. If you are going to call yourself an editor and charge for it you should at least understand basic grammar rules. That's not even editing; it's simply proofreading which Kimberly Rieckmann did not do either. To follow that up with criticizing an honest review is unprofessional and just ridiculous.
To conclude: Do not hire Kimberly Rieckmann for her editing. Her website is here (Kim's Editing Services) if you want to check her out. But I wouldn't.
P.S.
The editor has since removed her posts from Amazon, probably because I sent an email to the author suggesting he speak with her.
